Latest / Pod Therapy / #446: Self-Compassion, Feeling Attacked, Struggling with Loneliness

Transcript

#446: Self-Compassion, Feeling Attacked, Struggling with Loneliness · Pod Therapy

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I can't do anything fun government. Don't you work for
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: the government. Yeah, in a way. From Fabulous Las Vegas. No, madam,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: this is pod Therapy, real people, real problem and real therapist.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: You can submit your questions anonymously at pod therapy dot
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: net or email us at pod therapy guys at gmail
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: dot com. And now broadcasting from the Jerking my Chicken,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Chicken pulling my Pork Studio. That's right. We will read
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: anything us to read. That's Nick. It's time for some
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: pot therapy. I'm Jim Job. Hey, Jim, how you doing.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I'm good.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Oh good, thanks for coming in tonight. Gem's not here.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Gem's not here. Sorry, another another gymless episode.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: It caurs to me right now that we we forgot
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: to say that in the Patriot section.
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah, maybe they figured it out. I'll probably figured it
• 0:59
  Speaker 4: out what they did.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Our listeners are pretty smart. The clap that's why Jim's
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: not here.
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: That has to.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: He's getting some treatment. So uh yeah, so no Jim today,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: But we're going to push forward and uh we're gonna
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: make Yeah, We're gonna we will survive barely barely. Well yeah,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: or we may not see how it goes.
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: I'll tell you something that bothered me this week. How
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: do we feel about cream cheese on sushi?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I love it. I know that I know that Jim
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: is our sushi. I'll go to a sushi guy. But
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I had some sushi this.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: Week and I like the cream cheese and sushi. You know,
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: it's not authentic, but I'm not looking I'm not always
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: looking for authenticity, so I don't mind the cream cheese
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: on there. I got a rolled the other day. It
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: easily had a third of a block of cream cheese.
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: I was like, I like A I.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Was like, this is so I couldn't finish the role.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I ordered two rolls.
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: I ate, uh, almost all of both of them, which
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: was which was not that much, And.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I was like, I can't eat anymore. I've eaten so
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: much cream cheese. I mean it sounds good, but that
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: would be a filling. Yeah, Like you can only have
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: a few bites of that, I think before you're done.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: I wanted three pieces, not eight. The Japanese lasagna has cream.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: This was an.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Amped up version of the Japanese lasagna. They called it
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: Vegas Lasagna. Oh okay, so it was a baked Yeah,
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: it was a baked roll. It had a lot more
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: cream cheese on it. I think that was the main difference.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: They had part of the cream cheese. They had like
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: cream cheese on top of the roll. And then they
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: had a lobster like a lobster mix that was mixed
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: with cream cheese. Yeah, like a lobster cream cheese salad
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: that was mixed on top of it. It was and
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: like baked down into it, and so like they had
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: a sheet of cream cheese. Basically they put stuff with
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: more cream cheese on top of that and put that
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: in the oven. This is a ridiculous amount of cream
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: cheese because it was like it had to have been
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: like a quarter inch thick sheet of cream cheese a
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: just set down on top of it before they put
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: the thing with more cream cheese on top of the
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: cream cheese.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'll eat it. As I'm saying it, my heart
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: is slowing down.
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: It's a little hard to breathe in here. I try
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: to avoid the cream cheese ones though, because dairy and
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: I are not friends. I still eat it and just
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: torture myself. I think Nick does that was shellfish. No,
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: actually nuts or something.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: It's dairy now.
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: It is dairy. Now welcome to the club. Yeah, it sucks,
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: it's so good.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: And then in high in sight, I'm like, why did
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: I why did it take me so long to figure
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: this out? Because I feel like I'm a pretty smart guy,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: but like, but not going through these symptoms for like
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: six years.
• 4:14
  Speaker 4: Tune to your body.
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, what is your what is your main dairy intake?
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Well it was mostly milk in the form of lattes.
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: Ah, that is really hard.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: You switched like a oat mill. I did. I did,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and it's and I'm fine now. But the problem was again,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: like why did it take me so long to figure
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: that out? Like where are you?
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: I mean, yeah, without I mean, or you can go
• 4:43
  Speaker 4: into detail, take a guess, I mean I have a
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: guess from that's like you know, have to share.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: I know that in his last car and had to
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: get a new one. Yeah right, probably. Okay, Well, we
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: talked last week about packing and why I packed so
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: much underwear. Let's put two and two together. Yeah, that's
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: so much my luggage.
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: Way less underwears in there. Oh my gosh. No, my
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: stomach will literally expand like bloating. I mean I will
• 5:18
  Speaker 4: stand if I eat, I mean hardly any dairy even really,
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: and the the cream here the worst. So like milk,
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: the more liquidy I can deal with, like parmesan, that's
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: not terrible.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: Most people who have like a dairy sensitivity kind of
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: like the older harder cheeses are fine, butter's fine, like
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: soft soft cheese anything cream.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Are you like a order a pizza with no cheese? Oh?
• 5:42
  Speaker 4: I the pizza last night, and I feel bloated today.
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: I was at the gym earlier's like my trainer's like,
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: all right, tighten your tighten your lower section, Like I am.
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: I just can't see it because I'm bloated because I
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: ate pizza for dinner. No, that's the problem. I'll still
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: I'll still eat it sometimes.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Well, and pizza's on a bagel. You could eat pizza anytime.
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: But sushi, I'm like, I'm already in a dairy free environment,
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: so I just stay away when I go. I'm like, nah,
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: that's fair, that's fair.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Now. I don't know why I thought of this, and
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: I realized I realized we're no longer in the Patreon section.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: But I got to bring it up now because I
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: remembered I went to see Odyssey. Okay, have you guys
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: seen this.
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: Did you see it in Imax?
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: No? Nick, I know I don't. Okay, but go on,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: You're not the only one. You're not the only one.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: A friend of mine too, was like really upset with
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: me that I didn't see it in I'm.
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: Like one stream at the.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: No, there's still one at College Square or town Square.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: But anyway, He's like, they filmed it like it was
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: one of the first movies they actually filmed in imax,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: like purpose specifically for that. It's like, well, fine, whatever,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: final see it again. Here's the thing. I left that
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: movie and I told Laura, I said, that may be
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: the best movie I've ever seen in my life.
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: Well, don't tell me that. All my expectations are super high.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Sorry, that was a thank you. Okay, go on, but
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: holy shit, you need.
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: I should see that shitty movie.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: You need. I will probably go back. And it takes
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: a lot for me to see a movie in the
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: theater again a second time.
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: When's the last time you did that?
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: The old rotten Tomato on the audience score.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: There was some criticism I think the New York Times
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Film section or whatever film critics section. They had some weird,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: stupid critiques about it that like one of them, yeah,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: like one of them being that the language wasn't aras
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: like accurate or something like that. It wasn't in Latin. Yeah,
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I don't Latin. It's like, well great, if it was,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: no one would see it, or the same number of
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: people who would watch it would be the same number
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: of people who read the book, right, which is very few.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: And it also wasn't told in a long, droning voice
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: by a single man standing.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: In the middle of an amphitheater.
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like Homer fucking did when he when he told
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: the motherfuckery shut.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Up, yeah, shut up. Yeah, dumb. But everybody did such
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: a good job in that movie, like all of the actors. Oh,
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: I see this tomorrow night. I've got an early night
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: tomorrow night. I might pop over and see the Odyssey.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: S it is. It's a long movie, right, it is.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: A long movie. It is wear a diaper if you're
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: gonna have cheese. Two fifty two. Yeah, it's too long
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: for a movie.
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: It was.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: It was not, though it honestly was no Like how
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: long were the Lord of the Rings movies?
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: Those were like two and a half at least.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not a Lord of the Rings fan,
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: so that probably factors into this. But like if I
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: sit down and watch The Lord of the Rings, that
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: feels like forever. This did not. It did not feel
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: like a long time and it was like constant, like
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: the story just continues to go. There's no dead spots
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: in it's just it was.
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: I mean, it is a story that has had a
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: long time to to trim the fat. Really is a
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: story that has been told once or twice. Yeah, and
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: may maybe edited down to its its best version. Yeah,
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: I mean I've three hours. I've heard some people who've
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: you know, read the books and are like, oh, they
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: cut some stuff out.
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like this would be like an eight hour
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: long movie if they didn't totally. But yes, definitely worth
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: the watch. Amazing, Wow, amazing.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: Let's see, we got a letter coming to us here
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: from anonymous being more compassionate to myself? Hello, doctor Jacob
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: Pew Pew Texas macho man Randy Tanjiman and hot supple
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: Jim Jobin, long time therap producer, first time writer. The
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: short version of my question, how can I work on
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: being more self compassionate and accepting of my struggles when
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: I've been struggling for a long time and never learned
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: how to be kind to myself in the first place.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: For background, I think my whole life I've been somewhat
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: more anxious than is typical, and my parents largely modeled
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: coping with emotions by suppressing them, so I grew up
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: without really understanding what to do with big feelings. I
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: also had undiagnosed ADHD, and my primary memory of K
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: through twelve schooling was hearing from teachers that I wasn't
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: trying hard enough, quote unquote, so I started constantly beating
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: myself up for being a failure. Fast forward to adulthood.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: I spent several years as a firefighter and emt surprise, surprise,
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: I saw some shit. I became more and more anxious,
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: both in and out of work, and after some particularly
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: tough calls, I started having occasional panic attacks and flashbacks
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: while not really understanding what was going on in my head.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: The pandemic only made things worse. Well, you're the only
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: one that that happened, Joe, Yeah, everybody.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Ny for a barrel mount It is great. No, I'm kidding,
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: of course, writer.
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: The pandemic only made things worse, and I started working
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: fewer shifts while also drinking more frequently on nights I
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: didn't work, which in hindsight was self medication to well
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: the anxiety in order to sleep.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: At the end of twenty twenty.
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: My brain had finally had enough and I started having
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: crippling panic attacks at night and into the morning, which
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: basically put my entire life on hold. I left First
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: Response work, got into therapy, started listening to y'all, and
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: have been on a wild journey of learning how to
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: not just squish down all of my emotions until I implode.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: I've come such a long way.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: Gained so much in terms of emotional understanding and healthy
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: coping with what happens inside the brain I have, and
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: I've outwardly accomplished a lot, like finding my finishing my
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: bachelor's degree.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Finding my bachelor's degree. Where did you.
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: Like?
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Finishing my bachelor's.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: Degree and getting a master's, starting a successful side business,
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: and working my way into a leadership role into or
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: in my career. Shout out to Riddlin for the assists. Still, though,
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: I often go through periods where my anxiety symptoms put
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: up a real fight against my medication and coping skills
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: and I feel like I miss out on a lot
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: of life because of it. I then beat myself up,
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: in large part because I've been struggling for so long,
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: which just amplifies the anxiety and I get stuck in
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: a self defeating loop.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I hear that a good way to.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: Respond is with self compassion, but I feel so lost
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: when it actually or when it comes to actually putting
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: that into practice. I'm great at offering compassion to others,
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: but when I try to apply that to myself, it's
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: as though I have an emotional wall that blocks compassionate
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: words and gestures from myself.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Would love to hear any thoughts that you all have.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Thank you for all you do.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: This podcast has been instrumental to my mental health and
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: my life changing for the better.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: It's anonymous pronounce he and.
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: Him thanks for writing in Thanks.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: That's a quick little note. Oh yeah, just a little note,
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: just a little blurb.
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: I don't think you're alone in the challenge. I hear
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: this a lot in clients that I work with the challenge.
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: When we talk about that negative self talk and trying
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: to shift that into positive how it just feels overwhelming.
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: It does feel like a wall that like won't break
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: down or you can't get over, and it feels what
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: I'll hear is like inauthentic, Like, well, I don't really
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: mean it, So why am I going to say these
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: nice things to myself if I don't really believe it?
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: So I want to just start off by saying, that's
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: a very relatable spot you're in, writer.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: And.
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: A really big challenge. I mean, I have some thoughts
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: to it, But did you have anything that you might
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: dive in.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Just real quick? Yeah, because I can one hundred percent
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: relate to this A lot of this stuff that the
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: writer kind of talks about, as far as like growing
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: up and just kind of how you you know, how
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: emotions were modeled to you and how you learned all
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: of that. But then the thing of like having compassion
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: for everyone else and not having it for yourself. Totally
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: get that. And I know this is going to upset
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: some people in this room, but I'll talk about golf
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: for a second. I'll do this since Gym's not here. Yeah,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I'll get it in no, but like, like, I one
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: hundred percent agree with that because I am compassionate in
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: every way possible except golf, like like and now, But
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I've turned a corner. Okay, I've been doing this for
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: about two months now and it's working fucking amazing.
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: I stopped playing golf.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: I stopped playing. Yeah. So it's kind of this understanding
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: of like and I heard it was actually something that
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: was said by Sam Harris has in one of his
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: meditations that he does not like you. He texted me
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: about you. Yeah, I would listen to you guys all
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: the time, but that.
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: Texans on there. I'm a real bitch.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: But just kind of this, I start seeing that's what
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Sam Harris said, not me. Yeah, what just this idea
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: of looking at things as challenges and not something personal
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: about myself. So like this it's hard to describe, but
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like, Okay, like you can't expect to
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: go through life with no challenges. You could, you could
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: make the argument that that's really all life is, is
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: just a series of problems or a series of challenges,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: and you constantly overcoming them, and then as soon as
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: you overcome one, then you just.
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: One.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: And then that's just how it is, and it's it.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: It can't be any other way, right, And so when
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: you understand it from that context, then it's you kind
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: of start looking at it like, Okay, it's it's not
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: really about me. It's just this is the expectation.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: There's not a finish line. There's not a goal that
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: you're trying to get to. Yeah, like that that like,
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: you know, I have to do this in order to
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: achieve things thought process.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, there's not a finish line. Because I agree
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: with what Whitney said, which is like there's a lot
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: of things that just feel inauthentic. Like so a lot
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: of like my my friends that I golf with, you know,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: when we talk about stuff like this will just be
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: like okay, yeah. But like if you said the things
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: that you say to yourself to somebody else, you would
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: be a complete dick.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: That's always the thing, right, Like it's terrible about this.
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: I don't know about you guys, but it's I am
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: a constant stream in my head of when I fuck
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: something up, it's, well you fuck that up, didn't you?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But it's it's it doesn't stop and I have
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: to I have to stop it, like I have to energy.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: That's the thing is I have to kind of like
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: you're not helping.
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: This is this is not you know, yeah, this is
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: this really helping me know it's not.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: No, no, we fucked this up. Now now it's time
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: to fix it. Yeah, and so like, yes, I understand
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: that on an intellectual level, but it has never been
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: helpful to me. No, That's the part that I struggle with,
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: is Okay, yes, I understand this. However, I can't stop
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: myself from having the thoughts. And it's really hard for
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: me to like, this is how I feel in the moment.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: So for me to say like, Okay, no, I'm not
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: going to say that, I wouldn't say that to somebody else.
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: In my mind though, like the other part of my
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: brain's like, yeah, but it's not somebody else, it's me,
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: and I fucking know better, right, and I should have
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: done this and and so.
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: It's a different standard than others.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: It's yes, definitely, And it's still very hard to turn
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: that off.
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: So of course I'm better than others, so I hold
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: myself to a higher stand I know that I'm better
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: than these other people, So why wouldn't I hold myself
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: to a higher standard.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I can't live more.
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: You don't have low self esteem, got it.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: That's with great power comes great responsibility.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: They said it inspire man. I don't know, was unclear.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I can't expect to live my life down at that
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: level with all the rest of you people.
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: I'll be down there, so no.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: So what's actually helped me though, is not trying to
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: change that thought process in that sense, or or to
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: change the way that I talk to myself, because I've
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: tried and it has not worked. Okay, But what has
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: worked for me is just looking at every scenario as Okay,
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: what's the current challenge that I'm dealing with? Okay, and
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: then just it's a challenge. Yes, It's not like it's
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: not like God, damn it, I shouldn't be in this situation.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: It's just like, okay, here's I'm in the situation the problem,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: what are the challenges? And the understanding too that if
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: I hadn't put myself in this situation, I could easily
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: I would just be in another situation with other challenges.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: And I think that has helped me is understand.
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: This golf course there's gonna be lots about eighteen holes
• 18:57
  Speaker 4: worth of.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Challenge, yeah exactly, and that and that has helped.
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: Me in that way five more minutes in another way.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Exactly because like Okay, yeah, I I duck hooked it
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: left and I'm in the trees, break the ducks into it. Okay,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: now I've got all of these this shit over here.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: But even if I even if I hit it perfectly
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: straight in the fairway, it's like, Okay, I still have challenges.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: That shot has challenges too, so it's it's taken me
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: out of it and instead it's like, Okay, now I
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: just need to navigate the situation as opposed to trying
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: to change how I feel or how I think. Okay,
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: if that means I like that, no, I like that. Honestly,
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: it has worked amazingly, and not trying to focus on
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: outcomes has actually made outcomes better. And like my scores
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: have just been continually dropping, well, because.
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: You can't change something that's already happened. Kind of what
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: Jacob said, you just start ruminating. And that's kind of
• 19:54
  Speaker 4: what the writers saying. They're like, I'm just spiraling or
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: ruminating all this one thing that you know, my anxiety
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: caused me to miss out on a B or C.
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: So now I just messed up and I can't get
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: out of that cycle or that spiral. Yeah, kind of
• 20:09
  Speaker 4: instead of focusing on what's already happened in the past.
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: It sounds like you're forward thinking.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah exactly. So like in that example, and.
• 20:16
  Speaker 4: Jacob kind of said the same thing, It's like, all right,
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: I could sit here and just say you fucking idiot,
• 20:20
  Speaker 4: or I could say, all right, what have we got
• 20:21
  Speaker 4: to do next?
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So like to use my example or my way
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: of thinking or processing into this example. If the writer's
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: saying my anxiety caused me to miss out on X, Y,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: and Z, then I the way I would look at
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: it is like, Okay, yes, you have those challenges. Now, However,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: if your anxiety was not the issue, you're still going
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: to have challenges. Yeah, You're just you're You're not challenged free,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: you're not problem free. You're just you've got different sets
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: of problems. That's it. And that's just we need to
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: expect it different times, right, Yeah exactly. Yeah, you wouldn't
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: You wouldn't necessarily be in a better position.
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Some people say mo money, MO problems.
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: And because I think it's probably right, I was going
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: to say that the writer mentioned being very compassionate toward
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: their friends, and you started down this path a little bit, nick,
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: But my go to when when I'm meeting with clients
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: is if you can talk or speak to your friends
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: very compassionately and very understanding and very encouragingly, then you
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: know what would what would you be saying to your
• 21:35
  Speaker 4: friend that came to you with this problem. And I
• 21:37
  Speaker 4: would say even go as far as kind of like
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: an empty chair technique, like I want you to envision
• 21:43
  Speaker 4: my friend. I'm sitting here with my friend and they
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: are telling me, oh, my gosh, my anxiety has kept
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: me from doing blah blah blah bah blah, Like what
• 21:50
  Speaker 4: would you tell them if they were sitting right next
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: to you? Because I'm really I don't know. I really
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: encourage my clients to visualize and put themselves in that
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: spot so it feels more authentic. Then if we can
• 22:01
  Speaker 4: imagine certain things in our mind, it becomes real. Our
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: brain doesn't hardly know the difference. That's why we can
• 22:06
  Speaker 4: make up memories and stuff like. So I just say,
• 22:09
  Speaker 4: if you can kind of create an experience that allows
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: you to be compassionate about what you're going through, even
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: if it's from Hey, if my friend was sitting here
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: and this is what I would tell them, try your
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: best to create that, because I think that really can
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: kind of trick our brains into feeling a little more
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: authenticity with that that verbiage we're giving when instead of
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: just saying, well, I know better, I know this, you
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: are talking to your friend. It's just about your experience.
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: That's kind of my go too.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I mean that makes perfect sense. The other
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: thing too that I was going to mention just and
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: I realized that the writer is no longer in that
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: positioning more with the job as far as.
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: Being a yeah, smart way to do so many adjustments
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: by the way, I mean medication leaving stressful jobs that
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: are creating havoc.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: Like I love it, because first responders is a very
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: very challenging situation to be in because you're, yeah, you're
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: constantly dealt with trauma, dealing with trauma and stuff. So
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I I think I did a deep dive on this
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: many many years.
• 23:12
  Speaker 4: Ago, but many years many so long.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm sold. But several years ago I did a Uh,
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I had to do a presentation for the Nevada it's
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: like public Defenders not Public Defenders, Prosecutors Conference or whatever
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: for lawyers basically through the U through the DA's office.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: And I did it on vicarious trauma, So about like
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: how because as a prosecuting attorney, you're constantly looking at
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: crime scene photos and stuff like that, and so there's
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: a lot of stuff that you weren't there, you didn't
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: experience it, but you were seeing those. Yeah, you're getting
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: that exposure. And so one of the biggest things that
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: we talked about in that in that training or that conference,
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: that speech was about being able to have time immediately
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: after experiencing that to process it. And because that's the
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: thing that doesn't happen, especially for firefighters e mts, because
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: you know, you'll have those nights where you don't have time,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: like you're going from one call to the next call
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: to the next call, and so it's not always you
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: don't have you're not fortunate enough to have that time
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: to be able to kind of debrief, but having that
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: at the end of every shift, even if it's just
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: five to ten minutes, Hey, let's kind of talk about
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: what we saw today. Let's go before we check out
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: at the end of our shift, let's just process all this.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: Just doing something small like that as a preventative measure,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: because it's it's how your brain is going to process
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: the trauma and It's it's kind of like, I guess
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: an analogy would be like if you've ever had I
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: don't know what your desk at work looks like, Whitney,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: I'm guessing yours is very neat and organized right now
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: it is is pretty neat. Mine's a shit show, Okay.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: But I have noticed that if I actually plan time
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: five minutes at the end of every day to put
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: stuff away on my desk, how how big of an
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: impact that has on my mentality and my my Uh?
• 25:13
  Speaker 4: I do that my car too. I try and grab
• 25:15
  Speaker 4: anything I can every time I go back home and
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: just take it inside. I'm like, I don't want ship
• 25:21
  Speaker 4: building up in my gay.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: I don't like having shit in my car. Well, it's like,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: here's the worst. The worst is hashtags save Peter. He
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: also leaves it in his car. Yeah, but like, in
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: addition to being the worst, Peter, being able to kind
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: of clear your desk is like a way of clearing
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: your mind and processing. And it's so it's kind of
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: the same thing at the end of your shift as
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: a as a first responder.
• 25:46
  Speaker 4: A good analogy Nick Nick's analogy.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: Clean off your desk, Clean off your mental deskaloy, thank you,
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: thank you, thank you.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: I love them because yeah, if you don't, then it
• 25:55
  Speaker 4: gets piled up and then you're overwhelmed and it causes anxiety.
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: It causes all these emotions.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: And that's where the trauma comes back, a lot of
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: trauma because you just continue, Yeah, every time, every time
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: you look at your.
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: Desk sticking out like other paper.
• 26:09
  Speaker 3: I don't hopefully that helps as missing out on things
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: in life, there's not there's not that much going on.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: I mean, if you're not missing that much.
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: You know, fine, well yeah, or just like again going
• 26:19
  Speaker 4: into the acceptance, like Nick said, this is something I
• 26:22
  Speaker 4: think about a lot, you know, traveling a lot when
• 26:26
  Speaker 4: we were younger. Sometimes I think back on like, oh,
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: those were like earning years. We could have been saving
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: more money, or we could have been investing, or we
• 26:33
  Speaker 4: could have you know, done ABCD like all these things.
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: But now what's happening is as we get older, it's like, oh, well,
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: some places you can't travel to, or maybe there are
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: war zones now, or there was an earthquake that demolished
• 26:47
  Speaker 4: temples there, like there are things that we look back
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: now and we're like, oh, you know what we did
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: miss out on certain things. We would have more money
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: or whatever, but we wouldn't have those experiences. So it
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: kind of goes back to like it's just two roads
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: you're choosing between, like carrying so much weight and putting
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: so much weight on yourself. Writer to say like, oh,
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: I I my anxiety kept me from something that now
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: I have to just like really hold onto that and
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: and beat myself up about missing out on it. It's
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: just part of your journey. But you're working to change that.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Sound. So you're happy you went to Iran when you did.
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, and Pakistani.
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: You know what.
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: One time on a flight from Italy to Scotland there
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: I sat next to this political person's son from uh
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: They were Scottish but they were of like Pakistani descent
• 27:38
  Speaker 4: or what they sound like. I will not I can't
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: e tell. Yeah. So he he's there with like not
• 27:49
  Speaker 4: a bodyguard, but like a like a chaperone guys with him.
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: So we're sitting on the plane and the chaperone guys
• 27:56
  Speaker 4: just chatting it up with me as older. He's like,
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: you have to come to Pakistan. He's like, it's so beautiful,
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: the mountains, this and that and all. I'm thinking the
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: whole time, and this was like a decade ago. I
• 28:06
  Speaker 4: was like, I can't come to Pakist And I'm like,
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: I'm I'm sure I could find a way, right, No, thanks,
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: It's like I just I'm a little blonde girl. I
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: was like, it's not it's not going to work out
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: well for me.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: I would I would love to. I'd love to do
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: all these like I feel. I feel that I fear
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: the thing that I have.
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: Missed is going to Cuba and like seeing the Cuba
• 28:30
  Speaker 3: that was, you know, the result of the embargo and
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: every and you're just every year now it's more and
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: more modern and more influenced from outside.
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: That's a great point fifteen years ago if you'd go
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: on to Cuba versus now.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I'd still like to go to Cuba.
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't change it. It doesn't change
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: wanting to go.
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: But I but I know that I'm not going to
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: see the same thing that I wanted to go see,
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: you know when when it was really first opening exactly.
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: And are you going to ruminate and beat yourself up?
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: You can't do anything about it.
• 29:01
  Speaker 3: The things like I had an opportunity when I was
• 29:05
  Speaker 3: younger obviously, and uh, NASCAR was a much smaller company,
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: and I had an opportunity to work for NASCAR in
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: a in a role that could have potentially grown. And
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: like the people who did take those roles, you know,
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: it grew with Nascar and could have turned into something.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: I also could have hated it. Yeah, and like who cares?
• 29:28
  Speaker 4: Exactly, there's nothing.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Nothing to do about it?
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: Like I didn't take that job for a reason. Those
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: reasons existed and were and were there, and you know
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: they weren't going to change, And yeah, there's nothing else
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: to do about it. Also, like who cares?
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: There?
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: He cares?
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Stop caring? All right, there you go. We're gonna take
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: a deep breath. When do we come back. We're going
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: to discuss feeling attacked. You were listening to pot Therapy.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Today's episode is brought to you by Richard Macy, A
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: sunny Boy, thunder Cougar, Scoop, Slurp, motherfucker, Sander mcwopfa Elena Gabriel,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: Adam Adam Warren b Gay do crimes and not here? Knightley,
• 30:10
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• 30:12
  Speaker 1: dot com slo all right, it's one on one, one
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: v one, Whitney. We're to start with you some interesting
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: historical trivia, historical facts. Okay, Whitney, Which US president kept
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: an alligator at the White House? True? I mean John
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: h True true? Man options Uh, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy, Adams,
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: Andrew Jackson or Teddy Roosevelt. I mean.
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: Teddy Roosevelt.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: It feels like it wan, I know that's the red hair,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: I would say Andrew accent. Okay, that's a point for Nick,
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: John Quincy, Adam, Uh, Jacob. What was the primary cause
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: of the Great Molasses Flood of nineteen nineteen? Oh, that
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: is an easy one. There was too much molasses, A
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: lot of molasses. Would you say there was a flooding
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: of virtual flooding of molasses? Was it a a failed
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: military experiment? B a natural disaster? I don't know how
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: that would be got to be an overturn natural.
• 31:42
  Speaker 4: It's like slocks attacking.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: In Iowa. We had molasses rain all the time, heavy
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: molasses rain. Yeah. Yeah, see an industrial storage tank failure
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: or d a sabotage attack. I weirdly knew this already.
• 31:59
  Speaker 4: It is s like the trucks filled or something.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: Exactly. Uh, Whitney raining mole asses during World War I?
• 32:14
  Speaker 4: How they get kettle corn.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: During World War Two? What unusual object object did the
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: British disguise as explosives?
• 32:26
  Speaker 4: Options?
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: Cabbages, chocolate bars, playing cards or bars of soap? Cabbages,
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: chocolate bars, playing cards or bars of soap.
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: Soap? Guess they needed.
• 32:50
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's the thing I'm like, I'm picturing
• 32:53
  Speaker 3: kind of gorilla warfare, the access power.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: Is moving through the Allied kind of tack, the retreating
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: cabbage cars. What else? Playing cards, chocolate bars, good chocolate, Yes,
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: there you go, chocolate bars good? Yeah?
• 33:16
  Speaker 4: What brand?
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: Probably Caburry, right, Cabury.
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: It was an earlier It was actually an earlier version
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: of the one hundred grand bars. It was a German
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: version of the hundred grand bars.
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I believe whatever Jacob said.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Grand all right, Jacob. Last one which ancient civilization invented
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: concrete and has that has lasted over two thousand years?
• 33:48
  Speaker 4: The Romans, Yes, Jacob's killing the history when I'm sure.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: Well, he's just he's a concrete kind of I'm a
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: big concrete.
• 33:57
  Speaker 4: Concrete yeah, gotcha, gotcha? The ice cream concrete.
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: No, no, No, we saw a we were in Portugal
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: last year. We was in Portugal last year and one
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: of the cities we went to had a bridge that
• 34:11
  Speaker 3: had been built by the Romans. Oh that was still
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: like in daily use. Wow, it wasn't They didn't drive
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: on it in this city, but it was like, oh wait,
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: maybe they did go on it. It was definitely a
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: walking bridge. I think maybe just the driving actually was
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: just closed while we were there. I think they were
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: working on something, so it was just a walking bridge
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: while we were there. I think it might have been
• 34:34
  Speaker 3: something like that. But it was still definitely like a concrete,
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: a usable like in use bridge. It wasn't just an
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: old thing that was sitting over there that they were
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: like the Romans built that.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: They were like this thing that.
• 34:44
  Speaker 4: We're walking, this thing still hanging around.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this thing that we used to walk to our
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: house from the place that we work. Yeah. Yeah, the Romans,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I guess built that.
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: Wow, that's awesome.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: So why don't roads last that long now? Because the
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: man in.
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: Vegas to redo him every other year you get a
• 35:01
  Speaker 4: new asphalt ass, new ass, fault.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: Yep, putting the ass and pod therapy. That's what Whitney
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: does I'm doing great, guys, I feel attacked from anonymous
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: you should.
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: For a few years now, my wife and I have
• 35:15
  Speaker 3: been separately going to therapy. Recently, I changed therapists as
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: mine was leaving the profession. I would say both my
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: wife and I have remapped up what we are working
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: on in our sessions. I have been trying to use
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: the things I have learned in mind to communicate better.
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: I've been using things like I feel statements, but I
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: have been told by my wife I'm using them wrong
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: and they are still coming across as a story.
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: You ready to get married, Nick.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: Well, I feel that you're using I feel statements, and
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: I feel attacked by you're attacking my feeling. This could
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: go on forever. I like this so much. I'm sorry, writer,
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: but your pain is causing me joy.
• 36:05
  Speaker 3: My wife's therapist is working with her to step back
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: from doing things that I should be taken care of
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: as an adult, like figuring out what things need to
• 36:14
  Speaker 3: be done around the house and not being the one
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: that plans everything. My wife keeps using the phrase this
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: is above my pay grade. Talk to your therapist about that,
• 36:22
  Speaker 3: and this is not my job.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: I know. I rely on her too much.
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: But she also relies on me a lot, and I
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: don't feel like she is making any changes to step
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: back her reliance on me while I'm expected to basically
• 36:33
  Speaker 3: never use her to help me get things done.
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: At this point, I think I.
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Should clarify that I have ADHD and dyslexa and a
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: mom that did not teach me how to do anything
• 36:43
  Speaker 3: other than to play the piano. I was never responsible
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: for cleaning or taught how to manage money. I don't
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: even have I don't even have to type my reports,
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: and I didn't even have to type my reports in school,
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: as my mom typed them while I dictated with her,
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: helping with the dictation of the reports to move me forward.
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're right.
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: I'm just thinking how hard my mom would have laughed
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: at me if I had asked her to take dictation
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: on any of my school she would still be laughing
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: at me. I believe I could have been thoroughly dyslexic
• 37:19
  Speaker 3: and she'd be like, you'll figure it out. Good luck,
• 37:22
  Speaker 3: you're gonna figure this out.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: I know you guys. Yes, Whitney, you are including that statement.
• 37:26
  Speaker 3: Don't like diagnostics that are not being done by a professional,
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: but based on what I have seen and heard, I
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: believe my mom would qualify as having narcissistic personality disorder,
• 37:37
  Speaker 3: which is not something that gets diagnosed commonly with people.
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: That's something that doesn't get thrown around at all. That's
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: the nice thing about that.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: Now everyone's using that very response.
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So, growing up, the most important thing to my
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: mom was how to make her appear, and it was
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: how to make her appear as if and if I did, yeah,
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: as if I did something that made her look bad
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: to her community, that I.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: Was the problem. Okay, so she needed to look good
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: in the eyes of the community.
• 38:08
  Speaker 3: What you did, Yeah, yeah, you felt that you were.
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: Your well being perhaps was second in.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: Her mind to her what it's going to appear, how
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: she's perceived in the community. Sure, I feel like this
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: is going off the rails.
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: I will end with I don't know how to improve
• 38:23
  Speaker 3: what I am doing other than taking notes and I
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: have always been terrible at that.
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: Hope this makes sense, Sincerely, I feel a tax statements.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: Let's dive into your relationship with meey, how often do
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: you the two of you do you guys use a
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: lot of I feel statements with the typos. I believe
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: Peter wrote it.
• 38:49
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, that would never fly. If there are a
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: lot of commas in there, that would be Oh my gosh,
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: I feel let me sit with how much? No, we
• 39:03
  Speaker 4: don't do I feel state, let me refrain, Yeah, ask
• 39:09
  Speaker 4: me differently.
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: Here's when you're working with any of because you don't
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: do really couples.
• 39:15
  Speaker 4: No, but I a lot of my clients we dive
• 39:17
  Speaker 4: into their relationships, right, yeah.
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: Do you coach them a lot on I feel statements?
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: Is that still used a lot?
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: Is it?
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: And it might be I don't know. I don't use
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: a whole lot. I don't. I don't. I never really
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: did any couples work.
• 39:32
  Speaker 4: So no, I have a specific client in particular that
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: this letter reminds me of where it's a little challenging
• 39:37
  Speaker 4: working only with one side, but when one, you know,
• 39:41
  Speaker 4: side of the couple comes to you and is like, hey,
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: I'm trying to do these things, but like you use
• 39:46
  Speaker 4: the cleaning for example, like I'm just not a tidy person.
• 39:49
  Speaker 4: My parents are hoarders and my partner really wants me
• 39:53
  Speaker 4: to be cleaner. Now maybe it's just because it's my client.
• 39:57
  Speaker 4: I'm looking at this person thinking wow, you carry, like,
• 40:01
  Speaker 4: I feel like eighty percent of that invisible workload that
• 40:05
  Speaker 4: some people do in relationships. I mean scheduling all the
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: kids appointments, you have a six month like, like, there's
• 40:12
  Speaker 4: a lot we could go into, and as their advocate,
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: it kind of drives me a little crazy that maybe
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: your partner's saying, you know, why can't we keep the
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: house tidier. I'm like, there's nine million other things you're
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: doing here. So when we dive into that, I do
• 40:28
  Speaker 4: try and be very careful though, because this is their partner.
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: They still love them and they're telling me terrible things,
• 40:34
  Speaker 4: but that doesn't mean they're a terrible person, right, So
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: I usually try and go at it asking, you know,
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: what kind of communication they have had and that I
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: feel statements. I mean, I don't share that as much.
• 40:48
  Speaker 4: I think I go in for sure telling them to
• 40:51
  Speaker 4: share their perspective. So maybe that bleeds into the I
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: feel statements, But more so, hey, I am carrying, you
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: know a lot of this work and I'm not able
• 41:02
  Speaker 4: to fit in keeping the house as tidy as you'd like.
• 41:08
  Speaker 4: And part of me is like, if your partner wants
• 41:10
  Speaker 4: house tidy, they can tidy the house right, it's like
• 41:13
  Speaker 4: my perspective, but then you go down a really dangerous road.
• 41:16
  Speaker 4: They're like, well, if you want it that way, you
• 41:17
  Speaker 4: do it.
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: I feel like the definition of I feel statements has
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: either changed over the years or my understanding of it
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: has changed.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: But something has shifted in that for me.
• 41:30
  Speaker 3: Well, because when people start first started talking about the
• 41:33
  Speaker 3: whole I feel statement thing and kind of the popular zeitgeist.
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: Very genuinely, well, I understood it as.
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: Talk about things from your perspective. Discuss things as as
• 41:46
  Speaker 3: you see them and as you can control them. But
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: don't talk about things that are so like, don't say
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: things like I feel that you hate me?
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, don't put that on someone else in your
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: mind that's said I feel I.
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: You know this has happened.
• 42:03
  Speaker 3: This has happened, and this has happened, and that makes
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: me feel confused. That makes me feel bad that you
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: know that it's it's I feel like it's subtle, but
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: it's it's a big shift from where it has come now,
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: which is really just any sentence that can substantially begin
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: with the words I feel is qualified.
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I would one hundred percent agree with you
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: on that. I think like the purpose behind it is
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: exactly what you were saying, which is like, I'm not
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: I'm not attacking who you are and I'm not kind
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: of I don't want I don't want to trigger the
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: person's defenses, but I want to explain to them what's
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: going on with me.
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: So instead of I feel like you're attacking me, it's
• 42:46
  Speaker 3: this has happened, and this is lay the facts out
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: and you know, I feel confused about this and I'm
• 42:53
  Speaker 3: angry about this and I don't know what's going on
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: and helped me understand this when don't but don't come
• 42:59
  Speaker 3: at it that you know I've already I've already said
• 43:02
  Speaker 3: what you're doing, and now I'm just telling you how
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: that affects.
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: Me when you when you do X, Y, and Z behavior,
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: I get scared and I don't know what to do,
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: and as a result, I withdraw Like that's information and
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: it's presented in a way that's talking about how this
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: behavior creates this response. So if we don't want this response,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: then we need to look at the behavior. So I'll
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: give you a good example. And I don't think I
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: don't think Laura would be upset with me sharing this.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Tune in next week, Cliffhanger. No, but like this kind
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: of goes back to like the tidying and stuff, like
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: I can be kind of a messy person, Like when
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: I walk into the house, I just set shit down.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: And so one thing that she said to me, she
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: did a really good job. I don't think she was
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: doing this intentionally. I think this is just how she's
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: just communicated it this way to me. Is she just
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: kind of let me know, like, hey, you know, when
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: I'm cleaning up after you, I feel more like your
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: parents than your partner.
• 44:14
  Speaker 4: Woo go loveah. And she was telling you about her
• 44:19
  Speaker 4: this is what I'm feelingniulate.
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, and yes, it wasn't manipulative. It wasn't like hey
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: you need to do this or else. But it hit
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: me really I don't want exactly yeah, because like that
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: completely changed the relationship or did he feel the other
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: way because you're like I did not. Oh yeah, hello mama.
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: So then I was like, oh, ship like that that
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: was a great way to communicate to me because I
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: didn't feel personally attacked. It was just a matter of fact, Hey,
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: when this happens, it causes this spots, right, And then
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh shit, I don't want that response.
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: I need to do a better job of taking care
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: of this.
• 45:07
  Speaker 4: This is in my control. I cannot put my stuff
• 45:09
  Speaker 4: down right, yes, yeah.
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: And then so like that, it wasn't an I feel statement,
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: but it was accomplishing the same thing. So like there's
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: a number of different ways because I agree, like the
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I feel kind of became part of the zeitgeist, as
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: you had said, and and then it became a tool
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: for mockery and like manipulation, and it just kind of
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: spun out.
• 45:30
  Speaker 4: Like TV shows and movies kind of exactly ran away
• 45:33
  Speaker 4: with it a little in it.
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, most of the time when TVs and movies get
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: a hold of therapy, they don't make it better.
• 45:39
  Speaker 4: No, no, yeah, I'm still got to watch that show.
• 45:42
  Speaker 4: Everyone recommends shrinking.
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: But what about Bob?
• 45:46
  Speaker 4: He thought Maye so much and just just quoted Bob
• 45:51
  Speaker 4: to me though it's like no stop now.
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: So that being said, with the I feel statements, I
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: do want to talk a little bit about the ADHD dyslexia.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to pretend to be Jim for a
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: second because.
• 46:07
  Speaker 4: Put your Jim hat on has a hot year old.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: There we go. Let me just let me just trim
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: this mustache here and then I'll be I'll be right
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: with you. I want in my mouth.
• 46:23
  Speaker 4: We don't miss him.
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: So here's what I think Jim would say, And if
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: he is your.
• 46:30
  Speaker 4: That's exactly what he would say.
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: How do you know.
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: Because he's said it. Yes you have ADHD, Yes you
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: have dyslexia, and yes, both of those pose significant challenges
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: to your way of life and your overall functioning. However,
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: it is not to get out of jail free card.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: Thank you. You are still going to have to do things.
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: You're gonna have to. That does mean that you don't
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: do things. It means that you have to find new
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: ways of doing things that make you productive. And you
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: have to navigate around this in a way that other
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: people may not have to navigate around can be you
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: still you're you still have responsibilities, and I think that
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: may be it's more work for you to do. It's
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: not fair, but it is more work for you. It's yeah,
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: it sucks. And that's kind of where we're at with
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: it now. If your spouse is on board and saying, hey,
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: like I want to get better at doing these responsibilities,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: can you help me in these ways?
• 47:39
  Speaker 4: You know?
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: Like giving somebody a responsibility of like, can you, I
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: don't know, hold me accountable or can you help me
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: assist me with blah blah blah, or if I drop
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: the ball on something, can you approach me this way
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: about it? Like all of those are ways that your
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: spouse can help and assist. But having those issues doesn't
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: mean that you just got to not to say that
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: you're doing this. But it kind of sounds like this
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: a little bit letter just being like, Okay, well I
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: have this problem, so you're going to have to do this.
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: That's it. It can be like hold me accountable for this.
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: You know, if I say that I'm going to do
• 48:18
  Speaker 3: x y z, feel free to hold me accountable to
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: do to doing x y z. But it can't be
• 48:25
  Speaker 3: if I say I'm going to do x y z
• 48:26
  Speaker 3: and I just don't do it. You just have to
• 48:28
  Speaker 3: let me off the hook.
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: Right. And here's the thing, And you want it this way.
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: You may not see it now, but you want it
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: this way for the exact same example that I gave
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: with Laura and I. You don't want your spouse feeling
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: like your spouse is now your parents. No, okay, because
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: how does that impact intimacy bad bad Okay, yeah, okay,
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: told them would be. If you want to develop or
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: continue to develop intimacy or maintain that in your relationship,
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: you have to feel like partners and not one person
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: is parenting the other. And that's only going to be
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: in your best interest that you work on these things
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: and that you take an active role. Now, obviously there's
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: some things household duties kind of get divided up, right,
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: and that doesn't that doesn't that doesn't mean anything's wrong.
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: Like there's certain things in the house that Laura takes
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: care of and there's other things that I take care of,
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: And as long as we feel like we're contributing equally,
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: then we're good.
• 49:39
  Speaker 4: Appropriately for what you want I do. I kind of
• 49:44
  Speaker 4: agree with you, Nick on the part where it almost
• 49:49
  Speaker 4: felt a little bit like the writer was kind of
• 49:51
  Speaker 4: winning off hook, but I want to validate that it
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: sounds like that came from your mom, you know. I
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: just I just want to jump in and say it
• 49:59
  Speaker 4: makes sense like where you're coming from, and that not
• 50:03
  Speaker 4: only having ADHD, dyslexia things like that are already challenges,
• 50:08
  Speaker 4: but also enabling behavior due to your mom's We'll just
• 50:13
  Speaker 4: say potential personality disorder because I don't see narcissism per se,
• 50:17
  Speaker 4: but there's some other things sticking out to me. But
• 50:19
  Speaker 4: we aren't here to diagnose, so it doesn't matter. But
• 50:25
  Speaker 4: those can be challenging, And so I only say that
• 50:27
  Speaker 4: to say, like, your mom might have some challenging behaviors
• 50:30
  Speaker 4: that did not help you so much when you were younger,
• 50:34
  Speaker 4: but here you are, so you're fighting against some of
• 50:38
  Speaker 4: your own challenges, mental health challenges and some upbringing challenges.
• 50:43
  Speaker 4: Now sure your your wife could probably could be a
• 50:47
  Speaker 4: bit kinder about some of these things instead of just
• 50:50
  Speaker 4: like hanging you out to dry. But I don't think
• 50:52
  Speaker 4: it's the end of the world. I think that might
• 50:54
  Speaker 4: be her way of being fed up. Maybe her cup
• 50:57
  Speaker 4: was empty. And some of that's are therapists saying, you know,
• 50:59
  Speaker 4: like you need to step back from some of these
• 51:01
  Speaker 4: responsibilities and and you know your your partner needs to
• 51:05
  Speaker 4: step up. But I mean, I would say there are
• 51:11
  Speaker 4: so many resources available now for things like I don't
• 51:14
  Speaker 4: know what your wife's asking you to step up in,
• 51:16
  Speaker 4: but if it's keeping the house tidier and you have
• 51:19
  Speaker 4: the time ability all these things to do that keeping
• 51:22
  Speaker 4: the house tidier or cooking dinner or grocery shop. Whatever
• 51:24
  Speaker 4: does they're wanting you to do. Manage money or pay
• 51:27
  Speaker 4: a bill. It will be harder, it will be challenging,
• 51:31
  Speaker 4: but we have unlimited resources at our fingertips. Nowadays, there's
• 51:35
  Speaker 4: almost no excuse like to not better ourselves. And the
• 51:39
  Speaker 4: last part I was gonna say is your spouse will
• 51:42
  Speaker 4: probably care a lot if you she sees you trying.
• 51:47
  Speaker 4: So let's say you do start trying to be like, hey,
• 51:50
  Speaker 4: I was looking up. She wants you to fold the laundry,
• 51:53
  Speaker 4: and you're like, I don't know. I was never taught
• 51:55
  Speaker 4: how to fold laundry. Instead of saying, teach me how
• 51:57
  Speaker 4: to full laundry, I don't know how to fold laundry,
• 51:59
  Speaker 4: you know, like weapon is incompetence, we're gonna say, hey,
• 52:02
  Speaker 4: is there a certain way you want the laundry folded?
• 52:04
  Speaker 4: If I mean, I don't know, Peter and I check
• 52:07
  Speaker 4: in on that, like, oh, I'm loading the drawers to
• 52:09
  Speaker 4: different like do you want them to fold it a
• 52:10
  Speaker 4: certain way? Like that's a weird question, but it's valid.
• 52:13
  Speaker 4: So is there a certain way you want the laundry folded?
• 52:15
  Speaker 4: If she says no, great, I'm gonna go look up
• 52:17
  Speaker 4: a little YouTube video on how I hold the laundry.
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: If she says, yes, gadget person. Maybe you want to
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: get one of those little lad Yeah, like this makes.
• 52:24
  Speaker 4: My life easier. Let me get the little flip thing
• 52:26
  Speaker 4: that folds laundry. Absolutely, I support it.
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: I learned a three point technique for folding T shirts.
• 52:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, that's like a really old video.
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: It's not imagining.
• 52:42
  Speaker 4: I said that because I immediately thought of those videos.
• 52:44
  Speaker 4: I was like, those were around like a decade ago.
• 52:47
  Speaker 4: All yeah, you like full it over and grab it
• 52:49
  Speaker 4: and pull it through and then pold it. All right, fine,
• 52:55
  Speaker 4: share his laundry holding video on this I should is it?
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: Is it too late for me to start a YouTube
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: channel unfolding video? I think it's gonna be the entire
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: wing in discord Y.
• 53:10
  Speaker 4: Yeah. I want to poll to see who has seen
• 53:12
  Speaker 4: this video, Jacobin, because I feel like it's everyone but Nick.
• 53:17
  Speaker 4: But yeah, I feel like if we see our partners trying,
• 53:21
  Speaker 4: that goes a long way. So don't feel like defeated.
• 53:24
  Speaker 4: She may be kind of you know, no one can
• 53:26
  Speaker 4: make you feels her way, but you may be feeling defeated.
• 53:28
  Speaker 4: Based on her reaction. But once you start taking initiative
• 53:32
  Speaker 4: and saying, you know, accepting that you have some of
• 53:34
  Speaker 4: these setbacks, but you can still push through and overcome that,
• 53:37
  Speaker 4: then then yeah, I think that'll go a long way.
• 53:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, just deciding to deciding to get to it, deciding
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: to deciding that you were able.
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: To do it, and really hitting that is huge. Yeah,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: I think to the uh and thank you waiting waiting
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: for pointing that out too, about the the mom because yes,
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: I don't think the writer is coming at this from
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: any kind of malicious or manipulative technique. I don't think
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: anything exactly right. This was a learned behavior. He is
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: acting exactly how he was trained to act, and so
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: that does give him a little bit of like leeway
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: and then like, hey, we understand that you're not malicious.
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: We understand your heart's in the right place, we understand
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: that from his perspective, he's absolutely the victim in this
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: story because he's he sees like, hey, I was thrown
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: into this situation and now everyone's angry at with me,
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: you know, not understanding that there was a behavior that
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: was taught and now he's got to relearn this. Well,
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: it is, and it's challenging.
• 54:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah, especially if your mom had expectations to not mess up,
• 54:50
  Speaker 4: Like that's going to be another level of like, I'm
• 54:53
  Speaker 4: kind of people pleasing. I imagine writer. I mean, you
• 54:56
  Speaker 4: didn't say this, but these are things that I tend
• 54:58
  Speaker 4: to see. And so now with your wife, be a
• 55:01
  Speaker 4: little harsher with you it Probably it's harder because you're
• 55:04
  Speaker 4: just like, oh, I'm not doing the right thing.
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: And I bet mom comes up in these conversations with
• 55:10
  Speaker 3: wife as well.
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: Probably I bet mom is a is a is a subject.
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: My mom says, you're folding my socks wrong.
• 55:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, she'll mom is still around or not, But yeah,
• 55:20
  Speaker 3: I bet I bet mom comes up once with Wice
• 55:22
  Speaker 3: in these conversations. And I bet writer doesn't like when
• 55:24
  Speaker 3: mom comes up in these conversations.
• 55:26
  Speaker 4: I don't like when next mom comes up with these conversations.
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: I Nick's mom comes up with these conversations. But there's
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: part of that that I do understand, Like growing up
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: in a small town in the Midwest, the idea of
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: like we care what everyone else in the town thinks, Like,
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: you can't act this way because everyone's going to think that.
• 55:46
  Speaker 4: Will reflect on me as your part exactly. I didn't
• 55:48
  Speaker 4: raise my kid to be this way.
• 55:49
  Speaker 2: It's like I think I'm a garbage parent and gay, yes,
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: which like that's part of what society does. Yes, we absolutely,
• 55:58
  Speaker 2: that's part of the function of society is is shaming
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: you into.
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: Like it's just part of it. So here's the last
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: thing I'll say. There is an ADHD deep dive. Oh where. Yeah,
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: I've heard of this briefly in the Patreon and I'll
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: be honest, I didn't listen to it. Did anybody here listen? Now?
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: I assume like here this is where I would want
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: to pick Jim's brain a little bit on like functioning
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: as an adult with ADHD, because obviously medication helps a lot.
• 56:39
  Speaker 4: And yeah, they didn't mention being medicated, and not that
• 56:41
  Speaker 4: I'm telling you to, but that would that would be something.
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: We're but even like I remember, we had Jim's mom
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: on an episode once and she even talked about like
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: how she parented Jim once she learned that he had ADHD,
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: and like for her, she realized very quickly that touch
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: was important, so she had something important to tell him.
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: She had actually, yeah, she had to touch him and
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: to get him to focus and like, so I bring
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: that up only because like there's there are texts boop
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: him on the nose, andever I have something important to
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: tell him. Can we please.
• 57:17
  Speaker 4: Get along one of those long sticks that expands with
• 57:20
  Speaker 4: the little finger. The little hands have point and he's
• 57:26
  Speaker 4: not going to listen to this.
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: So I think we're here, Jim over here, I'll boop you.
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: That's hilarious. Yeah, we're all doing that next week. But
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: there's all sorts of different techniques and some of this
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: is going to be you know you're and honestly, there's
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: so many resources, like we said YouTube, like like get
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: on there try to find techniques for managing ADHD or
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: focusing as an adult. And you're gonna have to try
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: to find some techniques that are going to work for you.
• 57:55
  Speaker 3: Whatever you're dealing with, you're not the first person to
• 57:57
  Speaker 3: deal with them, and people have found success dealing with
• 58:02
  Speaker 3: everything that you're dealing with and you can too.
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: Yep. It sounds cliche and silly, but it's because it's true.
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: There you go, thanks for writing in.
• 58:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we're gonna take a break and when we come back,
• 58:15
  Speaker 3: we're gonna talk about struggling with loneliness. It's better than
• 58:18
  Speaker 3: a bear. You're in for some poor pod therapy. Don't
• 58:23
  Speaker 3: get it struggling with a bear. It's or struggling with
• 58:27
  Speaker 3: lonely Okay, yeah, okay, bears are strong.
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: I was overthinking it. I was really overthinking. All right,
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: let's tea if you're a salmon today. This episode is
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: brought to you by Jake Schneider, Malia, Richard Mason, Sonny Boy,
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: thunder Cooker, Falcon Scoop, Slurpike and Motherfucker. Sandra mcbaffell, Elena Gabriella,
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: dom Adam Warren Bay two crimes and not here Knightley,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: would you like sponse the show become a therap producer
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: Patreon dot com slash therapy. All right, here we go, Whitney,
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: which okay, oh.
• 59:02
  Speaker 4: Actually meant like yes I do.
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: That's the letters too, but yes, also all right. By
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: the rules of the game, no A s I which
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: country once had an emperor who ruled for only about
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: twenty minutes? France, China, Mexico or Vietnam.
• 59:28
  Speaker 4: France, China, Mexico, Vietnam are the four options. Vietnam, Yes,
• 59:38
  Speaker 4: whoa making my comeback? Uh? One whole point. I think
• 59:44
  Speaker 4: Jacoba's belt.
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: Any follow up to that? Nope, all right, emperor, Well
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: you're gonna make me pronounce this, aren't you. It's okay,
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: it looks like emperor duck.
• 59:55
  Speaker 4: Duck sounds good.
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: Go with this, dac do you sees? Rain is often
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: sited among the shortest, though exact variations durations vary. All right, Jacob,
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: which animal was once put on trial in medieval Europe?
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: Go goat?
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: I was thinking maybe a cat. Oh I got a
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: funny joke. You guys want to hear a joke? Sure, okay, yeah,
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: funck trivia. Here we go. So this guy you got
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: to need that point, goes up to this farmer and
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: he's like, hey, uh you got a horse there. It's
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: like Farmer's like yeah. He's like, do you mind if
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: I can I talk to the horse? And the guy's like,
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: the horse doesn't talk. But the guy goes up to
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: the horse. He's like, hey, horse, how you doing? The
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: horse is like I'm doing great. He's like, how does
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: your owner treat you? He's like, oh, he's great. The
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: farmer's amazing, yo. He he changes my shoes every once
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: in a while. He brushes me twice a day, I
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: get out, I get to run. I love him. He's
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: a great farmer. Oh great. Goes back to the farmer.
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: Farmers like, holy shit, I had no idea that the
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: horse could talk. That's amazing. The guy goes, can I
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 1: talk to your dog? The farmer's like, the dog doesn't talk.
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 1: Goes up to the dog. He's like, hey, how's your
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: owner for you?
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: He's amazing. He takes me on walks, he feeds me,
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: he shows me love and affection, he pets me. It
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: just I love my owner. He's amazing. The farmer's like,
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: holy shit, I had no idea that dog could talk.
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: And the guy goes, can I talk to you? Can
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: I talk to your sheep? And the farmer's like, that
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 1: sheep's a fucking liar.
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 4: Sheep does talk.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: I'll take options cats, pigs, horses, or wolves. I'll go cats. Wow.
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 4: No, No, I was gonna guess pigs.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: Yes. WHOA. Animals were sometimes tied to court for crimes.
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: BA smart, I'm not happy with the information coming from
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: these here. Yeah, let's move on.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 3: Okay, Well, if you're not happy with that information, then
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 3: you're gonna hate this. The next email is from anonymous.
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: No more information. Anonymous struggles with loneliness.
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 3: Hi, I'm struggling with being lonely, tough, that's not like
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 3: you have just been like I'm struggling with being lonely.
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 3: I'm thirty one. I've been broken up from my father's
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 3: son for about for almost a year now.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 4: Okay, Red, it's my son's father, if so hard?
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: Broken up from my son's father.
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 4: Yeah, my father's son is my brother.
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: For about a year now. I'm just gonna assume. Yeah,
• 1:02:52
  Speaker 1: the surgeon was his mom. Yeah, yeah, women could be
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: doctors now.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 3: Our son is three, in special needs suspected all too
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 3: and he's nonverbal ish, has just one word right now,
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 3: and I'm his primary caregiver.
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: His dad gets him once a week.
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 3: I moved a city away from my friends and family
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 3: to be with my ex when we were dating, and
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 3: I stay here now because my son's pre K school
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 3: is here and his babysitter and his dad. I have
• 1:03:19
  Speaker 3: three close friends I've had most of my life, but
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 3: they all struggle with mental and physical health issues and
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 3: aren't able to talk or hang out a lot. I
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 3: feel bad bothering them with my problems because I know
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 3: they have so much going on. And half the time
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 3: when I go talk to them, they aren't available, which
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 3: I totally understand. I have a therapist I see, Oh
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 3: thegger's my advice, and she's wonderful, but not a friend
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 3: of course.
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: Of course.
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 3: I've tried to make new friends but haven't been successful.
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 3: I'm not interested in dating. I lean on my work
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 3: mom and work dad a lot, but sometimes I feel
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 3: bad if I overshare. I have a pretty tight schedule,
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 3: so it's hard to make time. And while I do
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 3: see my family some I find myself very lonely. I
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 3: find myself wondering what people I watch or listen to
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 3: would think about my problems or my day. Like y'all,
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 3: I guess I reminisce a lot about my past and
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 3: have imagined conversations with people I used to know in
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 3: my head. I don't really see an end in sight
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 3: to my loneliness. I'm just trying to work on myself
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 3: right now and try to be the best mom I can,
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 3: and try to remember those positive changes in my life
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 3: as I see my son improve, as I lose weight
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 3: and eat healthier, et cetera. I just can't help, or
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 3: I can't escape escape this feeling of being alone. I
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 3: feel sad and isolated and like I'm really just talking
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 3: to myself a lot.
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: Of the time. Do you all have any advice? Thanks
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: for having a wonderful podcast. You truly make a difference.
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 3: Sincerely, Anonymous that she her ps if possible, save this
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 3: for when Whitney is gonna be on.
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: I really like her advice. I'm here.
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, Anonymous. That's all the time we have for
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 3: this episode. I'm sorry, And this was Whitney's last episode
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 3: of the month. We're gonna get into it next week though.
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, Loneliness at thirty one, that's a lot.
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: There's a lot going on.
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 4: There is a lot going on, and man, there's a
• 1:05:14
  Speaker 4: lot of things that came to mind sharing this, So
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 4: I mean my first go to I want to comment
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 4: on because I struggle with this as a therapist friend
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 4: and who has friends with therapist those friends, I feel
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 4: that a lot of times in my friendship dynamics, I
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 4: tend to be the recipient of like them calling asking
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 4: for advice or you know, to vent or they're stressed,
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 4: which I love, but it is challenging for me by
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 4: nature to like reach out to them, especially.
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: If they have a lot going on, right, I consider
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: myself friends with Whitney. I never bother Whitney with any
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: of my problems, thank you, because I don't respect hers.
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 4: That they're oh or as a friend.
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 1: Apparently I don't respect Whitney as a friend or therapist. See,
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: don't bother her with my.
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, here you are.
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: Not asking you about my life. Ema. That's this person.
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: We won't even put their name on it.
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 4: But yeah, I feel like it can be really challenging
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 4: to share when we're going through something when we feel
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 4: like other people are going through quote more than we're
• 1:06:36
  Speaker 4: going through something more difficult. I do hear that you
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 4: said you do try and reach out to them sometimes
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 4: and that they aren't available a lot of those times.
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 4: But what I have learned over the years is it
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 4: doesn't feel like a very fair friendship when you are
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 4: in that dynamic and you don't give them an opportunity
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 4: to be there for you. That doesn't feel good for
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 4: them either as your friend.
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: That's a good point. Yeah, it's something that I give
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: them the chance.
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 3: Don't don't put failure on them, give them the chance
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 3: to fail you mm hmm.
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 4: And again, writer, it sounds like you are trying this,
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 4: but I want to kind of encourage you. And I
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 4: know other people probably deal with this too because we
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 4: don't want to We don't want to hurt friendships. We
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 4: don't want to cause you know, distance by overwhelming someone.
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 4: But the reality is, if they are a really good friend,
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 4: they want to help you too. And I've gotten feedback
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 4: like that, when I have maybe a high needs friend,
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 4: we'll call them. But if I go through something that
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 4: you know is a little bit more challenging and don't
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 4: tell them their feelings are hurt, like wow, you didn't
• 1:07:39
  Speaker 4: show it with me, and I'm like, oh, well, you
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 4: just had a lot going on. Yeah, And I really
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 4: did feel that way. I was like, oh, I don't
• 1:07:43
  Speaker 4: want to bother them. It was very genuine.
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: But but they want to know they want to be
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: there for you. Of course you ought to give.
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 4: Them that chance. So I want to encourage you to
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 4: still reach out to your friends and try and pull
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 4: back on that mentality that you are bothering your friend
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 4: by telling them a struggle. Well even if you just
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 4: call them to say, man, i'm feeling I've just been
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 4: feeling really lonely lately, or you know, I don't have
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 4: anyone nearby and I missed you guys or whatever. So
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 4: that's like definitely one thing I wanted to touch on.
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: Well, I think kind of relating back to that, like
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: I kind of had that philosophy a little bit too,
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: Like I realized, like at my lowest points of my life,
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 1: I was reaching out to people and asking for help
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: and just just I wanted some sort of contact with
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: other human beings, mostly my golf game. Yeah, but.
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 4: That's damn golf.
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: I mean, I've went through a divorce, but I'll tell
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: you what, my golf game was way worse. Oh yeah, yeah,
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: wait until you see his next one.
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 4: Golf.
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: Golf may get out you want. Yeah, But like there
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 1: were people that were there for me that I know
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: I'll never be able to pay back. So I kind
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: of had the philosophy of, Okay, then I'll pay it forward.
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 1: So if someone reaches out to me, you know, then
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: I want to be there for them in the same
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 1: way that my friends were there for me, so on
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: and so forth. So I kind of looked at it
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 1: from the same perspective of like, don't deny me the
• 1:09:21
  Speaker 1: opportunity to pay my debts. Yeah, if that makes.
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 4: Sense, Yeah, it just feels balanced, you know, and if
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 4: they don't have anything going on, then like good for them,
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 4: or they're managing final they really don't need anyone to
• 1:09:35
  Speaker 4: talk to. But yeah, kind of what we're just saying.
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: You don't have to call when you have problems, Yeah,
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: because sometimes that you can feel like I feel like
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 1: talking to somebody, but I don't want to bother them
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 1: with my problems. Well, then just talk to them and
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 1: talking about something.
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 4: A lot of my friends obviously live out a state
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 4: far away. I schedule like catch up times with my friends.
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 4: And you know, I had one friend who was in
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 4: a very like toxic relationship with the guy she was
• 1:10:10
  Speaker 4: with at the time, and he tried to tell her, Oh,
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 4: your your friend has to schedule time with you. That's
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 4: not a real friend. I was like, uh, fuck you,
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 4: it is a real friend, because here I am. I
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 4: was like, I can't help it if our schedules don't align.
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: That I want schedule time to talk to you exactly.
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 4: But I share that because I think that can be
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 4: kind of a thought sometimes, like, oh, that's not like
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 4: true friendship. I can't just pick up the phone and call,
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 4: but no schedule that time too.
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I want, I want to talk about and I
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 3: want to acknowledge that your son, your special needs son.
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 1: Everything.
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 3: I bet everything we're talking about uh sounds to you like,
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 3: oh yeah, that would all be great if it weren't
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 3: for me having to to care for my son so
• 1:10:55
  Speaker 3: so much. Yeah, my friends, just like Whitney has friends,
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 3: I have friends.
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 1: Is this some sort of competition?
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 4: What? How many? Because I don't have friends so many?
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 1: Rub it in and that you can see assholes both
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 4: We do both have assholes.
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 1: I do have a few.
• 1:11:17
  Speaker 3: Friends that have special needs children. And it is uh lonely,
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 3: to use your word writer, it is a lonely life.
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 1: It is uh. People don't Yes, you say this all
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: the time, and I want to say it for you.
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 1: People don't know what you're going through. People. People simply don't.
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 1: Your friends don't know, your family doesn't know.
• 1:11:42
  Speaker 3: Uh.
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 1: People who haven't.
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 3: Done it, as far as I know, as far as
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 3: I believe, do not know what you're going through, and
• 1:11:50
  Speaker 3: me included, I certainly don't know.
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 1: I would encourage kind of show up for you.
• 1:11:56
  Speaker 4: They don't know how to even say are you okay?
• 1:11:58
  Speaker 4: Or when to do that? Like, they just don't know
• 1:12:00
  Speaker 4: that's a very great point.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 1: I would encourage you.
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 3: And this seems like, uh, as I say this, this
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 3: sounds like, uh, impossible advice, but I would. I would
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 3: encourage you to find friends that also have children in
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 3: the same boat exactly what exact It creates a support group.
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 3: Uh in my in my friend's experience and what I see,
• 1:12:25
  Speaker 3: you know, it certainly seems to create a support group.
• 1:12:27
  Speaker 3: And they talk about how integral those friendships are because
• 1:12:32
  Speaker 3: you know, it is things like, oh, your son is three, Uh,
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 3: maybe maybe you talk to somebody else and there's and
• 1:12:38
  Speaker 3: they have a child who is seven, you know, and
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 3: they're dealing with things that you dealt with, and they
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 3: can they can help you with things that you that
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 3: you're that you're dealing with or maybe and the opposite
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 3: is going to be true as well. There are going
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 3: to be people that that you're going to be able
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 3: to talk to that you have experience that's that it's
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 3: going to help them. I honestly don't know where else
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 3: to turn for something like that.
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 4: Yeah, even if it's online, because I know we kind
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 4: of talk about like our discord. But I have clients
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 4: also not that are going I have had clients going
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 4: through similar things that you are. But I have clients
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 4: to go through all different walks of life, and it
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 4: stands out to me when so many of them from
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 4: different avenues talk about how finding like like online buds.
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 4: They're online friends who they're in discords with, usually based
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 4: on shared interests. But in your case, I bet there
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 4: are online support groups or like discord groups where you know,
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 4: I imagine there's like options when you go in there,
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 4: like this is what I'm dealing with this age group,
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 4: Like can somebody reach out and help me?
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah? I'm also wondering too if you know, like you know,
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: the writer's son is pre k, obviously he's probably in
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 1: a classroom that is that for to help him out?
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, it sounds a writer moved to a city
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 3: in part because this is where the school is.
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: So I bet there's I bet there's something something spe
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 1: specific to that going on.
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I know, so like go move to the city
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 4: with your friends.
• 1:14:06
  Speaker 1: But oh well, what I was thinking is like, if
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: you whatever free time you have, if you're able to
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 1: volunteer at the school to help out or do other
• 1:14:16
  Speaker 1: things with other parents, if other parents are also volunteering,
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 1: and then that's kind of where you make that connection,
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 1: so it feels like more of a natural thing that like,
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: oh I met my friend so and so because her
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: daughter was in the same class as my son and
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 1: we kind of, you know, exchanged information and kind of
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 1: did that. So I don't know if maybe that would
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: be an idea too, just kind of you know, get
• 1:14:41
  Speaker 1: involved in the school and helping out. Yeah, I know.
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 4: One of my initial thoughts kind of was, can you
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 4: move to a place where your friends are, But yeah,
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 4: when you have he need's kiddo, Like again, clients have
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 4: with kids like that. Once you find a good a
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 4: good school, keep them in there, yeah, you kind of
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 4: don't want to leave.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: And it's like dad's there.
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 3: Look like dad gets the kiddo once a week, right now, Yeah,
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 3: which I mean that might be your day off, That
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 3: might be your day where you do have the opportunity
• 1:15:10
  Speaker 3: to go hang out with some you know, an adult friend.
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well they can't find the adult friends. That's a
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 4: problem too, right, I kind of what Jacob was saying earlier.
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 4: My go to thought was even if you didn't have
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 4: maybe like a special needs or high needs kiddo, a
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 4: lot of parents are lonely at this stage like single
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 4: parents I see, and especially moms, because they do a
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 4: lot of the caregiving and they don't have a lot
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 4: of time off, and I think they talk about like
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 4: dating or putting themselves out there for friendships, and they
• 1:15:44
  Speaker 4: just don't find the time. And so I know that
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 4: doesn't really help you with a solution, but I think
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 4: that is just one of the challenges right now in
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 4: parenting is that it is just lonely in general. Like
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 4: we our society has created an environment where we want
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 4: you to do every thing, and we've pulled back on
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 4: a lot of community, which I hate, but it results
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 4: in a lot of loneliness in single parenthood for sure.
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, hopefully there was something in there that you could use.
• 1:16:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, we saved it for when Whitney was going
• 1:16:16
  Speaker 1: to be here, So if you didn't find anything useful,
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 1: Jacob and I did podcast we did. We did all
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 1: we could. I feel like Nick and I really carried
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 1: that when and Whitney was also here. Yeah, I think
• 1:16:29
  Speaker 1: we measured up to the expectations.
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 4: Y'all are doing great and listening to me and learning.
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, exactly, Nick and I have successfully lowered expectations
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 3: enough so that when we say something that sounds good.
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 1: People go, oh, look at them. I didn't expect that
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 1: from Nick.
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 4: No, they mentioned the work mom and work dad. I
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 4: feel like that, y'all know what that is?
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 1: Yes, oh sure, okay, Yeah, I got a coworker that
• 1:16:53
  Speaker 1: Laura refers to as my work wife.
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, doctor, every.
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 1: Day about work I am. I feel like I am
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 1: quickly becoming the work dad. Yeah.
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 3: I don't love it, like new new acrobats and stuff
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 3: like that, not work grandpa.
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 1: I mean that's on its way too.
• 1:17:15
  Speaker 3: But like definitely like the new the newer crops of
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 3: like the young acrobats.
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 4: And everything, like the youngest person in twenty.
• 1:17:22
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, twenty Yeah, it's young, young twenties. Any
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 3: any new acrobat, they're always young twenties, early twenties. Yeah,
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 3: it's always like oh right, and they do.
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 4: Inevitably it seem like you're a peer to you, but
• 1:17:35
  Speaker 4: to them, they're like, that's it.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 1: That's that's the shocker.
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that really is the when I talked, when I
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 3: like talk to them in one like, oh yeah, I'm
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 3: talking to you like we are co workers and we
• 1:17:47
  Speaker 3: are we know the same things and we understand the
• 1:17:49
  Speaker 3: same things and they respond to me as someone.
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: Who is like, you know, no, I had never thought
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 1: about it.
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 4: Oh, like yeah, they're so wise.
• 1:18:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, oh god.
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 4: You're like, wait, no, just rumin us with me.
• 1:18:04
  Speaker 1: I was just saying, this is dumb. You should go
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 1: talk to Jacob. He was born in the nineteen hundreds.
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I have a shirt that says that I got
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 4: to wear it next week. Oh my gosh, the nineteen hundreds.
• 1:18:16
  Speaker 4: But yeah, the work, the work, mom, worke Dad.
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 3: And I think you're I think your instinct to kind
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 3: of keep personal and professional separate in some regard.
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 1: I think it's fine.
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 3: Like I think it's fine to talk to people about
• 1:18:27
  Speaker 3: your personal life at home.
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 1: I would just suggest to remember that you are at work.
• 1:18:33
  Speaker 3: Uh, and that like when those lines start getting too cross,
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 3: that can get messy and weird.
• 1:18:38
  Speaker 4: You have to really trust them or and that's hard
• 1:18:42
  Speaker 4: to do, so you'd have to navigate that.
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 3: I am like that something don't I'm not saying don't
• 1:18:46
  Speaker 3: do it, but just be aware of it. And yeah,
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 3: I think you're I'm saying your instinct is correct. Your
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 3: instinct to keep some kind of line of demarcation there
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 3: I think is a good a good thing to have.
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, very good, thanks for writing in. Well, we're gonna
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 1: take another break.
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 3: When we come back, we're gonna wrap up the show
• 1:19:05
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  Speaker 4: I'm there, I'm Whitney, I'm doctor Jacob.
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