Latest / R.E.A.L. Talk for REAL L.Y.F.E. / Rejection Isn't Your Story — Heal the Residue

Transcript

Rejection Isn't Your Story — Heal the Residue · R.E.A.L. Talk for REAL L.Y.F.E.

• 0:00
  Let me stop you before you spend another day asking why they didn't choose you.
• 0:07
  Before you reread that message, before you revisit that conversation,
• 0:13
  before you start negotiating with yourself about what you could have changed to make somebody stay.
• 0:20
  Take a breath. Because something didn't go your way, it does not mean your life has lost its way.
• 0:28
  Now welcome back to Real Talk for Real Life. I'm your girl and your host, Coach C.
• 0:34
  And as we continue to fall into focus and work toward a fulfilling fourth quarter finish,
• 0:42
  we need to talk about something that can follow us long after a person leaves
• 0:49
  or an opportunity passes.
• 0:52
  Rejection. Listen, rejection is redirection.
• 0:59
  And what I want to talk about today more specifically is the residue rejection leaves behind.
• 1:06
  Because sometimes the situation is over, but we are still living under the impression it made on us.
• 1:14
  They left, but the insecurity stayed. The opportunity passed,
• 1:19
  but the embarrassment stayed.
• 1:21
  The answer was no, and somewhere along the way, we started believing that no
• 1:27
  was a description of who we are.
• 1:30
  Today, we are interrupting that belief. Rejection happened to you.
• 1:36
  It does not get to define you.
• 1:39
  Now, I know rejection is redirection sounds good when you're on the other side of it.
• 1:45
  It sounds real good when the new opportunity has arrived, when your heart has
• 1:50
  healed, when you can finally see why the old situation wasn't working.
• 1:56
  But what about when you're still standing there with your feelings hurt,
• 2:01
  what about when you prayed for it prepared for it made room for it what about
• 2:07
  when you pictured a future with somebody who apparently pictured something else that hurts,
• 2:14
  and i'm not going to rush past that part just to give you something catchy to
• 2:19
  repeat some of us are grieving something we never even got to experience.
• 2:25
  We're grieving the relationship we thought it could become, the career move
• 2:29
  we thought would change everything, the support we believed would come from
• 2:33
  people who knew how much it mattered to us.
• 2:36
  You can acknowledge that loss. You can cry about it.
• 2:40
  You can wish the ending had been kinder. But baby, you cannot keep placing your
• 2:46
  entire future on hold while you wait for the past to give you a different answer.
• 2:52
  At some point, we have to say, this is what happened.
• 2:58
  This is how it affected me. And now I need to decide how I'm going to care for
• 3:04
  myself and move forward.
• 3:08
  That is where the redirect begins.
• 3:12
  Sometimes, rejection leaves us trying to prove something.
• 3:17
  Now you want to work harder so they'll regret overlooking you.
• 3:21
  Now you want to look better so they'll regret leaving you.
• 3:24
  Now every accomplishment comes with an imaginary audience of people you hope are watching.
• 3:32
  And listen, I understand the feeling, but I want you to have a life you enjoy
• 3:38
  even if they never see another second of it.
• 3:42
  I want you to reach a place where your joy doesn't depend on somebody realizing they made a mistake.
• 3:49
  Because what happens if they never apologize? What happens if they never explain?
• 3:55
  What happens if they go on believing their decision was the right one?
• 4:00
  You still deserve peace.
• 4:03
  You still deserve love. You still have work to do, gifts to share, and a life to live.
• 4:11
  Your healing cannot require their participation.
• 4:15
  You can move forward without their agreement about what happened.
• 4:19
  Let's talk about that residue. Because the residue of rejection doesn't always look like crying.
• 4:26
  Sometimes it looks like refusing to try again.
• 4:30
  You call it being realistic, but deep down you are scared another no will confirm
• 4:36
  what the first one made you fear.
• 4:38
  Sometimes it looks like over-explaining. You think if you can just find the
• 4:43
  perfect words, nobody will misunderstand you, disapprove of you, or leave.
• 4:50
  Sometimes it looks like saying yes when you need to say no, because you're afraid
• 4:56
  a boundary will cost you a relationship.
• 4:59
  Sometimes it looks like accepting very little and acting grateful for it because
• 5:05
  somebody once made you feel like your needs were too much.
• 5:09
  And sometimes it sounds like this. I don't need anybody.
• 5:14
  I wasn't interested anyway. I'm never putting myself out there again.
• 5:19
  But in a quiet moment, when you're honest with yourself, you know you still want connection.
• 5:26
  You still have ambition. You still hope.
• 5:29
  You're just trying to keep that hope from getting hurt again.
• 5:33
  I understand. But we have to be careful about making permanent decisions from a wounded place.
• 5:41
  You may need rest. You may need distance.
• 5:45
  You may need support and time to rebuild trust.
• 5:48
  Give yourself those things. Just don't let one painful experience make every
• 5:55
  decision that comes after it.
• 5:57
  Now, here's where our faith has to meet us. I believe God can guide us after
• 6:02
  disappointment, even when we cannot explain why it happened.
• 6:07
  I don't have an explanation for every closed door. I cannot tell you why every
• 6:12
  person left, and I'm careful about putting God's name on somebody else's hurtful behavior.
• 6:19
  But I can tell you what I believe. God has not run out of ways to work in your life.
• 6:25
  One person's decision does not exhaust his possibilities.
• 6:30
  One missed opportunity does not cancel every gift he placed inside you.
• 6:35
  And an ending you didn't want does not mean you have reached the end of your purpose.
• 6:42
  Psalm 34 reminds us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
• 6:47
  That means you do not have to become perfectly positive before you can come to him.
• 6:53
  You can pray with tears in your eyes. You can say, Lord, I believe you're with
• 6:58
  me, but I'm having a hard time understanding this.
• 7:02
  You can bring him the disappointment without dressing it up.
• 7:06
  There is room for your honesty in your relationship with God.
• 7:11
  And maybe over time, you will begin to appreciate what didn't happen.
• 7:17
  Maybe you'll recognize how much of yourself you are given away trying to keep something together.
• 7:24
  Maybe you'll see that the role you wanted would have required more than you could sustainably get.
• 7:31
  Maybe you'll realize that somebody's departure finally made you pay attention
• 7:37
  to needs you had been ignoring, or maybe you will never get a satisfying explanation.
• 7:44
  You can still build a meaningful life.
• 7:48
  You do not have to call the pain good to believe good remains possible.
• 7:53
  That matters because sometimes we pressure ourselves to be thankful for an experience
• 8:01
  before we have even processed it.
• 8:04
  Start here. God, I'm thankful you are still with me. God, I'm thankful I have
• 8:10
  another decision to make.
• 8:12
  God, I'm thankful this hurt has not taken away my ability to love, learn, or begin again.
• 8:19
  That is enough for today.
• 8:21
  Now, let me bring some real talk into this. We say, if it was meant to be, it would be.
• 8:28
  And sometimes that helps us release what we cannot control.
• 8:33
  But don't use that statement to stop participating in your own life.
• 8:37
  Apply again. Learn the skill. Have the honest conversation.
• 8:43
  Take responsibility where you need to. Some things require another attempt.
• 8:50
  Some things require a different approach.
• 8:53
  And some things require acceptance.
• 8:56
  The work is learning which one is in front of you.
• 9:00
  If you made a mistake, you can own it without deciding you are a mistake.
• 9:06
  If you need to grow, you can grow
• 9:08
  without treating yourself like you are unworthy until you get it right.
• 9:13
  And if somebody has clearly told you no, you can respect that answer without,
• 9:19
  turning it into a lifetime sentence against yourself.
• 9:24
  Their decision tells you what they chose. It does not tell you everything you are worth.
• 9:30
  So how do we begin reversing the residue of rejection?
• 9:34
  First, separate what happened from what you started telling yourself about it.
• 9:40
  They didn't offer me the position is what happened.
• 9:43
  I will never get anywhere is a story or disappointment added.
• 9:48
  They ended the relationship is what happened. Nobody will ever love me is the fear that followed.
• 9:55
  Pay attention to that difference because you cannot always change the event,
• 10:00
  but you can question the conclusion you drew about yourself.
• 10:05
  Second, stop reopening the wound on purpose.
• 10:10
  If checking their page leaves you hurting, pay attention.
• 10:14
  If rereading old messages keeps pulling you into the same argument in your head,
• 10:20
  give yourself a break from them.
• 10:22
  You don't have to keep exposing yourself to something just to prove it no longer affects you.
• 10:29
  Third, make one decision that supports the life you want now.
• 10:35
  Send the application. Get back to your routine.
• 10:39
  Call somebody who cares about you. Work on the idea you keep post-cony.
• 10:44
  Let the next step be small enough to take today.
• 10:48
  You do not need a complete picture of the future to begin caring for it.
• 10:54
  As we finish this fourth quarter, I want you to think about where your attention has been going.
• 11:00
  How much of your day belongs to what didn't happen? How often are you mentally
• 11:05
  returning to somebody who is no longer participating in your life?
• 11:09
  What have you stopped doing because you're still disappointed?
• 11:13
  Those questions are an invitation to come back to yourself.
• 11:17
  There are people who love you now. There are responsibilities that need your attention now.
• 11:23
  There may be an opportunity in front of you that looks different from the one you wanted.
• 11:29
  Give yourself permission to notice it. You can miss what you hoped for and still
• 11:35
  make room for what is possible.
• 11:38
  You can have a tender heart and a firm boundary. You can remember what happened
• 11:43
  without organizing your whole life around it.
• 11:46
  Say this with me. I can be disappointed without giving up on myself.
• 11:52
  I can learn from this without caring and shame.
• 11:56
  I can respect an ending without chasing another answer.
• 12:01
  I am worthy of care, honesty, and mutual effort.
• 12:05
  God is with me while I heal, and I am willing to take my next step.
• 12:12
  Let's pray. God, meet us in the places where rejection has changed the way we see ourselves.
• 12:19
  Help us recognize the beliefs we picked up in painful moments,
• 12:23
  the fear that we are unwanted, the feeling that we must earn every bit of love,
• 12:29
  the thought that one disappointment has decided our future.
• 12:33
  Give us wisdom to know when to try again, when to change direction,
• 12:38
  and when to release what we cannot control.
• 12:41
  Help us take responsibility without condemning ourselves.
• 12:46
  Help us establish boundaries without becoming close to love.
• 12:50
  Restore our courage for the life we still have to live.
• 12:54
  And when we cannot see what comes next, help us take the next faithful step.
• 13:00
  In Jesus' name, amen.
• 13:03
  Before you go, hear me. You do not have to spend the rest of this year trying
• 13:08
  to become acceptable to somebody who has already made their decision.
• 13:13
  Come back to your life. Come back to your faith.
• 13:16
  Come back to the gifts, goals, and relationships that need your presence.
• 13:21
  We are falling into focus.
• 13:24
  We are working toward a fulfilling finish, and part of that work is releasing
• 13:30
  the belief that rejection gets the final word.
• 13:33
  Let it inform you where there is something to learn.
• 13:37
  Let it redirect you where a change is needed and give yourself the care it takes to heal.
• 13:44
  This is Coach D and this is Real Call for Real Life where we're realizing everyone
• 13:49
  is always learning and you're living your full experience.
• 13:54
  If this episode met you in a tender place, save it.
• 13:58
  Come back to it when that old story starts getting loud and share it with somebody
• 14:03
  who needs help remembering their work.
• 14:06
  Somebody said no, you still have a life to say yes to.
• 14:11
  As always, decide, commit, succeed. Keep learning, keep living.
• 14:18
  Make sure you're following me on Instagram and Facebook at Real Talk for Real Life.
• 14:23
  That's L-Y-F-E for more inspiration, merchandise, and motivation between episodes.
• 14:30
  This is Coach C. I'll see you in the next one.