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S3E27 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Understanding Power Struggles in Child-Centered Play Therapy · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing in the Parent Companion series.
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  And we have been recently diving into
• 0:28
  the 7 most common issues
• 0:30
  that children are struggling with and why they begin therapy in the first place
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  and how that will sort itself out in the child-centered process.
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  So last week we covered anxiety
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  and how anxious kids will work through things,
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  and this week we're going to talk through power and control.
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  This is usually the one that is the kicker.
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  In other words,
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  when a child starts to struggle with
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  wanting power,
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  wanting control,
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  trying to take it at any opportunity,
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  and pulling real hard for things to go in their direction,
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  it creates a lot of friction,
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  a lot of conflict,
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  a lot of headache.
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  And so typically
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  this is one of the most common reasons why children
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  end up in CCPT.
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  Because
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  this wreaks havoc in all kinds of scenarios.
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  At
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  school,
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  of course,
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  with teachers and staff,
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  with parents at home,
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  with peers and siblings.
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  With
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  really any scenario,
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  they just will be hungry for power and control,
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  and it's difficult to navigate.
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  So
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  we have to look at root issue first.
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  It is understandably very frustrating and difficult to
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  be around someone who is constantly fighting for power.
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  And
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  from the parenting side of it,
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  it
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  kind of upsets the family dynamic apple cart,
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  if you will.
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  In other words,
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  kids are supposed to be
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  the ones that are not in power
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  and do not have all the control.
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  And so when a child starts to fight for that,
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  it can really make it difficult to just do standard normal family things.
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  But I think it's
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  equally important to say,
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  yes,
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  it's frustrating and difficult,
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  but we have to understand what's going on at the heart of it.
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  So,
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  when a child starts to fight for power and control,
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  We have to go back to the why.
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  We are going to say this over and over and over again because it
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  is worth repeating.
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  Kids never choose to stay stuck in maladaptive patterns of behavior.
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  Kids never choose to stay stuck
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  with inappropriate coping mechanisms.
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  They never choose
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  to stay stuck in
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  behavior patterns that are unhealthy.
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  If they are stuck,
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  it's because they don't know what to do
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  and they're struggling
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  and they don't see a way out.
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  So almost always,
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  if a child is fighting for power and control,
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  we understand it's because the child has been in situations and circumstances.
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  Where they have felt completely powerless
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  and completely out of control.
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  In other words,
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  I didn't choose for mom and dad to get a divorce.
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  I didn't choose to have to move across the country.
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  I didn't choose to start kindergarten when I didn't want
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  to leave mom and dad and go be with strangers
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  all day every day.
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  I didn't choose for my new sibling to be born.
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  I didn't choose to have this medical crisis where I was hospitalized for 3 weeks.
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  I didn't choose to get in that car accident,
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  so on and so forth.
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  So
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  if you think about
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  child's perspective,
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  They
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  are at the mercy of their circumstances almost all the time.
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  That's level one.
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  Level 2,
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  another why for power and control struggles
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  is kids only have control
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  over a handful of things.
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  And I literally mean a handful.
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  Like I'm holding up
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  my hand with 5 fingers.
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  They only have control over a handful of things.
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  They are told where to go,
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  when to go,
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  how to go,
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  why to go.
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  They have no
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  governance over their own lives.
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  They have no autonomy.
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  They have no freedom.
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  Get up,
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  do your homework,
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  grab your backpack,
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  get on the bus,
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  get in bed,
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  brush your teeth,
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  take a bath.
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  They are ordered around all day every day.
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  And they only have control over a handful of things,
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  and those handful of things don't outweigh,
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  even come close.
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  To
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  how little control and power they have
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  and their perception thereof.
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  They,
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  they feel like they're just.
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  Steered
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  like someone is the marionette and they're just the puppet
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  all day every day,
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  that would make anyone nuts.
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  Put yourself in those shoes,
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  put yourself in that position
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  where someone other than you
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  gets to dictate pretty much your every move.
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  You'd
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  be crazy by the end of the day,
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  legit.
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  And this is the child's reality all day every day,
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  and we are so callous to this,
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  we don't even realize
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  how awful that feels for kids.
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  And then we get really irritated
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  when kids fight for power and control.
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  They have a right to fight for that.
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  It's not pleasant for us,
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  but good for them for saying,
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  I've had enough of this.
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  I am tired
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  of just being dictated to,
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  and I'm tired of circumstances in the world,
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  which is big and scary and unpredictable and overwhelming,
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  just absolutely consuming my life,
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  and I'm just like floating on a crazy sea,
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  and I have no ship and I have no rudder and I have nothing,
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  and here I am.
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  It's no wonder they fight for power and control,
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  y'all.
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  So we really have to understand the why.
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  They're not doing it to tick you off.
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  They're not doing it because they're trying to manipulate you.
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  They're not doing it because
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  they just find joy in creating conflict.
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  And by the way,
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  I've heard all of those hypotheses.
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  And more.
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  I have a very long list
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  of,
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  of how
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  I'm told the child is behaving.
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  Well,
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  they're just trying to be manipulative.
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  Well,
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  they just like,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no,
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  no.
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  Kids are good
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  Kids are good.
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  Kids are incredible.
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  Kids are awesome.
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  Kids are amazing.
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  They are the most
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  lovely beings.
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  But they get stuck in maladaptive coping behaviors.
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  Power and control's one of them.
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  Understandably so.
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  If I can only control my eating,
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  sleeping,
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  toileting
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  behavior,
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  I,
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  you know what,
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  that's not enough.
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  So they will fight for power and control because
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  they feel that's the only.
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  Antidote
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  I have no power in my life.
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  Well,
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  watch this.
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  I can have power right now.
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  I have no control over anything.
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  Well,
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  watch this.
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  I can control this.
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  It is
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  just
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  the way that things evolve when kids have felt
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  at the mercy of circumstance.
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  So,
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  what does that look like in the playroom now that we've
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  kind of done a little deep dive into what's going on?
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  How does that sort itself out and address itself in the playroom?
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  Well,
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  the beauty of a child-centered playroom
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  is that
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  the child has power and control.
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  They're in charge.
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  They get to decide what to do.
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  And they largely get to
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  govern
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  the whole session.
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  Obviously,
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  if we need to set limits,
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  we do.
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  But for the most part,
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  we trust them,
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  we believe in them,
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  and we give them the environment and the relationship
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  to do whatever they need to do.
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  So here's what will happen.
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  A kid that is really needing power and control,
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  they come in
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  and
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  they love the fact that they have power and control in the playroom.
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  I mean,
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  this is what they've needed their whole lives.
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  You know,
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  all 1,416 days of it.
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  So,
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  look,
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  I've been waiting 1400 days for this.
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  Here we go,
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  we're finally ready.
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  All right,
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  I get to be in charge.
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  And what's interesting is
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  They get to be in charge,
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  and then they take it even further.
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  So being in charge is not enough.
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  We always talk about a pendulum,
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  and if you've been listening for any length of time,
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  you understand this notion,
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  but I'll briefly kind of make sense of it again
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  because I know every day we've got new listeners.
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  So if you're new,
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  I'm so glad you're here.
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  Welcome.
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  We are
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  a group of people that absolutely adore kids and we're trying to be the best
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  version of ourselves so that we can help them be the best versions of themselves.
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  So,
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  really glad you're here.
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  Thanks for hanging out with us.
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  And when we think about
• 8:47
  what's going on for a child,
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  everything is very black and white
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  and extreme
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  in a child's world.
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  So you are either good
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  or you are bad.
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  Someone either likes you or they hate you.
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  Everything is very opposite driven for children.
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  Because they're not rational.
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  They're not cognitive.
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  The gray area requires a lot of brain function.
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  OK,
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  so,
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  when a child comes in and they get to be in charge,
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  that's not enough.
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  They believe,
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  you know what,
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  I never have control.
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  I never have power.
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  I can't just be told that I have power and control.
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  I'm going to take
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  ultimate
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  dictatorial
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  power.
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  Because if I
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  don't want to feel powerless,
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  I need to have
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  all the power.
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  It's a pendulum swing.
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  That's the way you can think about it.
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  That's the illustration that I said I talk about a lot.
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  So you think about it.
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  Either end of the pendulum,
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  either end of a spectrum is unhealthy
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  for anything.
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  You can't always be mean,
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  you can't always be kind.
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  You can't always have power.
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  You can't always have no power.
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  You can't always
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  be aggressive.
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  You can't always be passive.
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  Any
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  end of a spectrum
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  is unhealthy.
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  Health is found in the center where the balance is.
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  So a child comes in
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  and they're like,
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  well,
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  I get power in here,
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  so I'm going to take power in here.
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  It becomes dictatorial,
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  demanding,
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  over the top power.
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  Shut up.
• 10:14
  Do that.
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  Get over there.
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  You're not allowed to talk.
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  I was jailed just as a little cute illustration.
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  I was jailed
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  every week.
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  8 weeks straight
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  Handcuffed,
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  thrown in jail,
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  which technically was behind my puppet theater,
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  just so you have a visual for this.
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  So I was shoved behind my puppet theater,
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  handcuffed.
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  I was jailed.
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  My notes were ripped out of my hand.
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  He scratched X's all over my note sheet
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  with a marker.
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  And every single week
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  said,
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  you're gonna be in here for 8000 years.
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  8000,
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  that every week I was in jail for 8000 years.
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  And then it evolved into,
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  you don't get food,
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  you don't get water,
• 11:00
  you don't even get to get out for Christmas.
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  I mean,
• 11:05
  it,
• 11:05
  it was
• 11:07
  power.
• 11:08
  OK.
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  Why?
• 11:10
  Why is that happening?
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  Because
• 11:12
  they believe.
• 11:14
  That I have to have
• 11:16
  all the power
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  because I hate having none of the power
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  or perception of none of the power.
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  So,
• 11:24
  over time,
• 11:25
  what happens in the playroom,
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  you get that level of dictatorial power.
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  They want all of it,
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  all the time.
• 11:32
  Unequivocal power,
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  dictatorial power.
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  It's all mine
• 11:37
  You're never going to have any
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  But they know that
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  that's not appropriate.
• 11:43
  They know it's not healthy.
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  They know they can't
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  exist like that.
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  So what happens over
• 11:51
  certain
• 11:53
  time frame?
• 11:54
  Over the course of weeks.
• 11:56
  Out of the blue one day.
• 11:58
  A child's going to give me back
• 12:01
  the smallest amount of power.
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  Now,
• 12:05
  often I'm given a small amount of power and then it is immediately revoked.
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  So like,
• 12:09
  actually,
• 12:10
  you don't have to be handcuffed today.
• 12:14
  That is a huge shift
• 12:16
  for a kid in power and control.
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  And our job is to neutrally acknowledge that,
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  oh,
• 12:22
  you're choosing for me not to be handcuffed today.
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  It's not,
• 12:25
  oh,
• 12:25
  thank God.
• 12:26
  Oh my gosh,
• 12:27
  I've been waiting for this moment.
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  That's not CCPT.
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  I know that's how a lot of you would react,
• 12:32
  so don't blame yourself,
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  but you're not CCPTs.
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  So,
• 12:36
  we're neutral.
• 12:37
  Oh,
• 12:37
  you're choosing for me not to be handcuffed today,
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  and within 30 seconds,
• 12:40
  we're usually handcuffed again.
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  But why is that important?
• 12:44
  Because the child gave me the tiniest little bit of power.
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  Why?
• 12:47
  Because they know they can't take it all the time.
• 12:49
  They know they can't have that all the time.
• 12:51
  They know they can't lord that over us all the time.
• 12:53
  It's not healthy.
• 12:54
  The pendulum is starting to shift back.
• 12:57
  And eventually what happens is
• 12:59
  the child will actually put themselves in a position where they have no power.
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  And I know for some of you,
• 13:03
  you're like,
• 13:04
  my kid would never do that.
• 13:05
  Yes,
• 13:06
  they would.
• 13:07
  That's the beauty of CCPT.
• 13:10
  A kid will come in.
• 13:11
  The kid that told me I was in jail 8000 years.
• 13:15
  We were walking back to the playroom
• 13:17
  on week nine.
• 13:18
  We weren't even in there yet,
• 13:20
  and he says,
• 13:21
  I have to go to jail today.
• 13:23
  And our,
• 13:25
  our mantra as CCPTs
• 13:27
  is
• 13:28
  neutral on the outside,
• 13:29
  party on the inside.
• 13:31
  So,
• 13:31
  I was like internally doing backflips and cartwheels down the hallway.
• 13:35
  What the child saw was,
• 13:37
  oh,
• 13:38
  you're gonna be in jail today.
• 13:41
  But inside I was like,
• 13:42
  ah,
• 13:42
  the angels are singing the hallelujah chorus.
• 13:45
  OK,
• 13:45
  why?
• 13:46
  Not because I didn't want to be in jail.
• 13:47
  I don't care.
• 13:48
  I've spent
• 13:49
  collective years of my life in jail with CCPT kids.
• 13:52
  So,
• 13:53
  it's not because I didn't want to be in jail that day.
• 13:56
  It's because I knew what an important shift
• 13:58
  in the child's power and control needs that was.
• 14:01
  He's willing to put himself in a powerless position.
• 14:04
  Why?
• 14:04
  Because the pendulum swung completely the other way.
• 14:07
  I had all of it.
• 14:09
  Now I'm going to give myself none of it.
• 14:10
  Guess what they learn?
• 14:12
  Neither end of this is where I want to be.
• 14:14
  I don't want to have all of it.
• 14:15
  I don't want to have none of it.
• 14:16
  So how do I find middle ground?
• 14:18
  And that's exactly what they do.
• 14:20
  They get to a point where they want power sometimes.
• 14:22
  They don't want it other times.
• 14:24
  They're OK with having it.
• 14:25
  They're OK with not having it.
• 14:26
  They're not fighting for it so often.
• 14:28
  They're not pushing for it so hard.
• 14:30
  And part of the process is that we're constantly giving them choices.
• 14:34
  When kids are given choices,
• 14:36
  they have control.
• 14:38
  So if maybe your child is not in
• 14:41
  play therapy,
• 14:41
  working with a play therapist,
• 14:43
  but your kid is a power hungry kid,
• 14:46
  the more control that you can give them through choices,
• 14:50
  the more they're going to feel,
• 14:51
  you know what,
• 14:52
  I have a measure of control in things in my life,
• 14:55
  and it will help.
• 14:57
  Now,
• 14:57
  they may actually need to process it at a deeper level with a therapist at some point,
• 15:01
  but that is certainly the first step.
• 15:03
  They need to feel that they have a measure of control,
• 15:05
  and they have that when they're given choices.
• 15:08
  So,
• 15:09
  I hope that that illustrates how things get sorted
• 15:12
  out in play because a lot of parents say,
• 15:14
  how is just playing with you
• 15:16
  going to stop my kid from being a dictator?
• 15:20
  Well,
• 15:20
  I just gave you one specific story
• 15:23
  of how it happened for that kid.
• 15:24
  And guess what?
• 15:25
  Parents started reporting
• 15:27
  a change,
• 15:27
  teachers started reporting a change,
• 15:29
  I started seeing a change.
• 15:31
  Why?
• 15:32
  Because he realized,
• 15:33
  I don't like the feeling
• 15:36
  of being a dictator.
• 15:38
  I don't want to be that person.
• 15:39
  Kids become better versions of themselves
• 15:42
  in the playroom.
• 15:43
  I don't want to be a dictator.
• 15:44
  I don't want to be the one that orders people
• 15:46
  around and yells at people and makes people feel bad.
• 15:48
  No kid wants to stay stuck there.
• 15:51
  So they'll naturally figure out a way to get themselves out of it,
• 15:54
  and they have to swing the pendulum the other way,
• 15:56
  and then they find balanced center.
• 15:59
  So I hope that is helpful to illustrate the power and control behavior.
• 16:02
  We have 5 more.
• 16:03
  So this is a round of 7 of the most common behaviors.
• 16:06
  So we'll be diving into 5 more in these next 5 weeks.
• 16:10
  If you want to reach out to me,
• 16:11
  say hello,
• 16:11
  ask me a question.
• 16:12
  If you'd like me to answer something about your child,
• 16:15
  you can absolutely ask
• 16:17
  brenna@kidcounselor.com
• 16:19
  I love y'all.
• 16:20
  Have a great week.
• 16:20
  We'll talk again soon.
• 16:21
  Bye.
• 16:22
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 16:26
  Brenna Hicks.
• 16:27
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 16:31
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.