Latest / The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast / Would the real you please stand up

Transcript

Would the real you please stand up · The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sex, porn, love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It got set up back in the childhood development years.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not about sex, it's not about porn.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's impacting women, men, children aged 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Kairos means your appointed time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it your time to reclaim your life?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Bring colour back to life without shame.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Click the link below and begin your journey.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You owe it to yourself and to others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's move on to look at the anxious attachment.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: They are less likely to fall in love and more likely to engage in casual sex.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Adults with this avoidant attachment style typically have a deactivated attachment system.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: What does that mean?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Avoidant individuals do not seek proximity, closeness, and intimacy.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: They avoid the display of emotions and appear distant and cold.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: People who have this attachment style are less likely to fall in love and they don't seem to believe in happiness ever after.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: They fear intimacy and tend to be less involved in their relationships.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Recognize this in you or in your partner?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't mean they really don't want to be there.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: But that might be the dynamics that they're giving off.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: This lends itself to some conversations and some work over your attachment style.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: But let's continue.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: For these reasons, avoidant individuals tend to have fewer longer term relationships and prefer to either abstain from sex or have short-term and casual encounters.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: They are likely to use fantasy or pornography as a substitute for intimacy.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Quite similar to the anxious attachment group we just looked at.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: They are more likely to engage in emotion free sex, I guess the one night stands.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Sex and intimacy generally can make avoidant adults uncomfortable.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Considering that sex typically requires physical and psychological proximity, it can evoke discomfort in avoidant individuals.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Therefore, adults with this style often don't enjoy sexual experiences.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: They are not likely to enjoy passionate and affectionate foreplay.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Their intimate behaviors are often driven by their ego.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: For example, sex might lead to high status and prestige amongst peers, or by a desire to manipulate or control the partner.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Avoidant adults are also likely to use sex simply to reduce stress, so casual sex might be more convenient for them.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: In adolescence, those with an avoidant attachment style perceive their sex drivers relatively low.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: If they do have sex, this might be driven by self-enhancing motives, such as losing their virginity.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Generally, avoidant individuals don't seem to use sex to express emotional proximity, closeness, and love for their partners.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: And this can be highly problematic if they have an anxious, preoccupied lover who relies on sex to feel love and desire.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: There's a conflict, a recipe for a lot of sparks, a lot of disunion in the relationship, isn't there?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let's move to the disorganized attachment.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And they feel unworthy of love, and they pursue casual sex and more likely to become sex addicts.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, this one often gets set up in the abused situations of the past.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: People are not safe.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: So people with the disorganized, also referred to as that fearful avoidant attachment style, tend to score high in both anxiety and avoidance.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: For this reason, the characteristics of disorganized attachment are a blend of the anxious, preoccupied and the avoidant dismissive styles.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Disorganized individuals tend to swing between anxiety and avoidance-driven behaviors, which creates an overall unstable and unpredictable behavioural pattern.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: The same tendency is likely to apply to these individuals' sexual interactions.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: For example, they might exhibit extreme passion and love for someone and then shut down their attachment systems during love making due to fear of intimacy.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Similar to the attachment group, these disorganized adults see themselves in a negative light, low self-esteem, low self-worth, and believe they are not worthy of love.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: After all, they are it's not true, but they would see themselves as desecrated, as soiled, not good enough, not worthy.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's so not true.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: But that's what they might be carrying.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Watch how that is playing out in your relationship.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: They have difficulties trusting and relying on their lovers, but these are more likely to need true psychosexual therapy, sex therapy, which is the work that I do.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if the abuses emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, are unprocessed and unresolved.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: That will need some individual work, particularly and more likely EMDR, eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing, which is something that I work with on a regular, weekly, if not daily basis with many clients.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: It works and it processes traumas, difficulties that have been present in individuals' lives for decades.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: So the disorganized attachment adults have difficulties trusting and relying on their lovers, and therefore they often pursue emotion-free casual sex.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Emotionless sex.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that emotionless sex is linked to higher likelihoods of sex addiction.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because it ain't about the sex.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Porn addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, it's not about porn.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about sex.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the sexual activity.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: So those who have love addiction are very likely to have attachment issues, seeking love and affection rather than being in a room on their own, flicking through images.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Those with love addiction need interaction with other people because the other people give a sense of being wanted, a sense of acceptance.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: If disorganized individuals do enter a relationship, they often end up in passive, submissive or secondary roles.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: They may therefore accept a partner who's in an affair, in an affair with Paul, in an affair with a real other person, because of course they're not worthy, so they take second best, they take the crumbs off the table.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is that you?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: For such a long time you've been accepting the crumbs off the table of what the other partner leaves you, gives you.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Come and do some work, some individual work with me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: The secure attached individuals, the ideal outcome, they are affectionate, seek long-term relationships, and less likely to engage in casual sex.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Adults with this secure attachment style, which is where we want to get you to, but it doesn't just happen, you need to do some work.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Some individual work, possibly some couples' work with EMDR.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So adults with this secure attachment style generally have low levels of anxiety and avoidance.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: They are less likely to worry about their self-worth or about their role in the relationship.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, they feel good about themselves and their love lives.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: They usually seek long-term and committed relationships based on trust, mutual understanding, and emotional closeness.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're not scared of emotional closeness.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Once they engage in such a relationship, securely attached adults feel satisfied with and positive about their sex lives.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: They are comfortable experimenting and trying new things in the bedroom.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: During adolescence, secure youngsters are less likely to engage in one night stands or casual sex.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: They are also less likely to use sex to manipulate others or to feed their egos.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: The main reason for secure adolescents' sexual encounters is to express affection for their lovers.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: As a result, such individuals already enjoy satisfying and passionate sex early in their lives.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: The article ends with this heading How to Heal Attachment Issues and Thrive in the Bedroom.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta go back to the beginning and do some work in identifying your attachment style.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: Once you identify your attachment style, you'll see how it's working out in the adult relationship, in all the different systems, not just with the partner.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: But then do some work in therapy.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: With me.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it might involve some sex therapy, but first of all, it's gonna mean looking at that insecure attachment style and doing some work around shifting that insecure attachment style.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Want to know more about the work?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Well, come and have an initial session with me.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a message.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do some work without shame and bring color back to life.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Kairos Center.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.