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Why Women Are Exhausted: The Price of Carrying Care in a World That Doesn't Value It · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story podcast.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I am coming to you today with a solo episode.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the first solo episode of Cancer Season.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you listen to our Cycle Sync episode that aired right around our last new moon, I introduced this overarching theme and several overarching themes that we'll be exploring through Cancer Season.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: In our cycle sync episodes, we are exploring how we can incorporate, or rather, how we can work with the lunar energy in terms of our self-care.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I invite you to follow along for those Monday episodes.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And each week I'll be sharing some simple and practical things that you can do to work with the lunar energy of the week via your self-care.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And today's episode is about one specific theme that we'll be exploring that I've already mentioned, and that is care and what it means to care for ourselves, what it means to care for each other, and on a deeper level, how we relate to care, both as individuals, perhaps as women, and also within our culture as well.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a very nuanced topic.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And while I was taking my women in psychology class a year ago or so, there was a particular chapter on this, and I was fascinated by the research.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna be sharing some of that research today from um psychology of women.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that's the title of the book.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have to bear with me today.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a fuller season, and uh it's been interesting making time for these episodes in that fuller season.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe deeply, greatly, or rather, I believe in this work deeply.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm excited to be here today to have this conversation with you today, in spite of the the challenges that um can sometimes, yeah, just make it like life is so demanding, right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's like, how do we find time for the things that we care about?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that ties really closely into this theme of care, actually, because I've noticed within my own life as I am in this fuller season managing a youth performing arts summer camp locally here where I live, super fun and very energetically and and physically demanding.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: And in that I get quite frustrated that I don't have the same amount of time to care for myself.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I've noticed that care is sometimes the first thing that gets taken off of my schedule because the full-time load is a lot.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I don't think anybody should work full-time.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's too much for anyone.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: How can you possibly find not just the time but the energy to really care for yourself when your work is demanding so much of you?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in some ways, I'm grateful for the experience because I typically don't work full-time.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I work, I probably work full-time across the various roles that I fill.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they're all a little different, and I have a lot more flexibility and a lot more choice in agency, especially when it comes to my work.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a little different than working for either the state or a private corporation or whatever sort of industry you may find yourself in.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I do really want to acknowledge that as we are talking about this theme, this topic of care, is that our world, our systems, they don't make it easy to care for ourselves.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, part of me believes that that's very much a part of the design because people are much easier to control when they're exhausted and overwhelmed and under-resourced and undernourished.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so why would the powers that be, if you will, want us nourished and well?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we were, I think many of us would start to really see how the way we're living our lives is is not quite right for many of us.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we've accepted a lot of things as normal, and normal, I think, is subjective.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: What is really normal?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe a better word would be it's not sustainable, which is something I know we come back to a lot here on the show.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what we're gonna be exploring today.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've also included some notes from a previous episode, so this is kind of like a re-recorded episode, and this originally came from the episode titled Unpaid, Invisible, Undervalued, The Cost of Caring in a Patriarchal World.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I may change the topic a bit, but if you listen to that episode, a lot of this is gonna be a reminder or perhaps a revisitation.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say that while we're in this energy of cancer season, this is really where I found the inspiration for this conversation because cancer is associated with that motherly nurturing energy.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so this feels like a really potent time to revisit this topic and to also add a little bit more.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel like I have a bit more to add to this conversation now.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna start with the numbers.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: As you may know, if you've been here for a while, I love my research and my data, and so I want to start by sharing a little bit of that data today, and this data, the intention of sharing this data is to give us an idea of how we relate to care as a society.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: In June of 2024, the National Partnership for Women and Families released an analysis showing that Americans' unpaid work, nearly two-thirds of which is done by women, is valued at more than$1 trillion per year.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Each person, on average, spends about 245 hours annually on caregiving.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: For women specifically, the value of that unpaid labor is$643 billion.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when I say women, I think we have to pause and be honest that the word woman doesn't actually represent all women equally, because black women, Asian women, trans women, Latinas, they don't all that share the same privilege, even if they do share a gender identity.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: The data shows that Asian women and Latinas spend more time than any other group providing unpaid care, roughly an hour more per day than the average.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Asian women collectively provide 3.5 billion hours of unpaid care annually.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Latinas provide 8.4 billion hours.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: The total value of that labor$55 billion and$133 billion respectively.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Black women provide about$4,250 in unpaid care per capita each year, and white women$4,540 per capita.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: I really do believe that these numbers are telling us something we already feel and experience in our bodies and our systems, but don't always have the language to articulate it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: To me, when I hear these numbers, I see a society that doesn't value care.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I see a society that has put a lot of this care onto women and that women aren't compensated for that care.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so if they're doing the bulk of it and they're not being compensated for it, then this to me becomes a problem.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it shows that this work isn't important to us when actually it is some of the most important work.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Jocelyn Fry, president of the National Partnership for Women and Families, puts it plainly.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: This data reveals exactly how much we undervalue care and shows the enormous potential impact of actually compensating women for what they do, even at the inadequate wage levels currently offered to paid care workers.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: So can you imagine if women were paid for all of that care?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine Gallagher Robbins from the same organization said something that really landed for me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Caregiving has long been viewed as women's work, air quotes around women's work, because what does that mean?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that gap between men's and women's unpaid labor reflects gender stereotypes that harm everyone, increasing women's economic inequality and limiting men's ability to truly show up as caregivers too.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because why worry about it if the women are taking care of it and we don't have to pay them for it?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Care work is the most essential industry in the world.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: It includes looking after children, the elderly, people living with illness and disability.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It includes the daily domestic labor of cooking, cleaning, washing, and maintaining a home.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Without someone investing time and energy into these tasks, communities, workplaces, and entire economies would literally stop functioning.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, across the globe, 42% of women cannot get jobs because they are responsible for all of the caregiving compared to just 6% of men.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: 80% of the world's 67 million domestic workers are women.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And 90% of those women don't have access to social security.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: More than half have no limits on their weekly working hours.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And even when care work is paid, it's often deeply underpaid.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about teachers, in-home care providers, child care workers.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I was looking for some part-time work probably over a year ago now, and I had an interview with a local nonprofit supporting foster children.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: The position required home visits, evaluations, traveling across a rural area, supporting not just the child but the foster parents too.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Emotionally, practically, it was almost like coaching the foster parents.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was shocked to learn the pay was$20 an hour.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And even at 40 hours a week, that is nowhere near enough to cover rent and living expenses in California, yet alone actually really taking care of yourself the way that you need to be taken care of if you are taking care of other people.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually working close to full-time right now, as I was sharing.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Very long days, deeply fulfilling.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And as I was saying, when I get off, I have almost nothing left over at the end of the day.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I really don't understand how people do it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, it makes so much sense why women are experiencing higher rates of anxiety, depression, of loneliness, because it's incredibly difficult to really care for yourself, especially when you are in these caregiving roles.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: The feminist economist Nancy Fulber argues that care work has been historically undervalued because it was historically provided by women at low or no cost, and our patriarchal systems just don't allow that devaluation.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: They uphold it actively.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna offer a few questions for you to perhaps reflect upon.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see the caregiving you do as valuable work?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's around your home or if you happen to work with kiddos like myself, or maybe there's other ways that you're caring for people, social worker, therapist, coach, body worker.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel obligated to care for others at the expense of yourself?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find it easier to show up for others rather than to show up for yourself?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna come back to those, but I'll give you a moment here to plant those seeds.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I feel like I've been on a lifelong exploration of what it truly means to care for myself.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: And what I thought was self-care for most of my life, I realized with time that there were things missing.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's by no fault of my own.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I believe it's a reflection of the systems and cultures we live in because most of us, especially those of us living in a female body, were never taught how to genuinely care for ourselves or even how to care for each other.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, I remember most being taught to wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get myself together, look presentable.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: My mom really emphasized that, and honestly, it stuck.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I still have a whole morning ritual that ends with me feeling put together.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I do really value that.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: It does something for me.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I also had parents who were fairly physically active.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Both of them are retired Navy, and so I did grow up watching them prioritize their bodies.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I remember going on runs with my dad.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: I remember my mom having workout videos and workout equipment around.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was very much part of my understanding of what it meant to care for yourself.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And there was a lot that I wasn't taught, such as what foods actually support a female body, what it means to care for my emotional self, my nervous system, the way I relate to myself and others, how to navigate that inner landscape.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that a lot of us approach self-care from a pretty surface level.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think for the most part, in our culture, it's about looking good and getting a workout in, maybe eating quote unquote cleaner.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you got the red light face mask, which is cool.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And our culture doesn't really push us deeper than that.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think there's a shift happening now with it becoming more common to go to therapy.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately, I would say that most of us still probably aren't doing it.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's because our culture is really designed around convenience, around speed, and getting on with things so you can get back to work as fast as possible.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what we miss when we live our lives in that way is the opportunity to connect.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that opportunity to connect not just with ourselves but with others also has a significant impact on the way we care for ourselves because we are hardwired for connection as human beings.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And especially for those of us living in a female body.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And what they don't teach you in school, friends, those of you who are living in a female body, is that the primary regulator for your system is oxytocin, not dopamine.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: For male bodies, the primary regulator tends to be dopamine.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's that hit of completion, it's crossing things off the list, it's getting things done, getting a quick little hit.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get me wrong, this isn't to like bash dopamine.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: It has a very important role in our overall overall well-being.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a misunderstanding in assuming that this is the way the female body is wired as well.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those of us living in a female body really do need oxytocin.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we get oxytocin through intimacy, through touch, through the right connection, connection where we truly feel met and seen and reciprocated and understood.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: That is a biological need for the female body to thrive and regulate.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what I find extraordinary is that women were actually the ones who developed this part of our nervous system.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: The ventral vagal part of our nervous system, also known as our social engagement system, this was evolved through mothers caring for their babies.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Over generations, the women who came before us literally shaped this part of our biology through breastfeeding and caring for little ones.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: I find that so beautiful.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And yet I speak to so many women, and something that I have very much experienced myself is that we're not actually receiving this kind of connection and care.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're not always getting the reciprocal connection that truly does nourish us and regulate us.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have to think this part is or what I'm trying to say here is that I think this is part partly a reflection of how disconnected we've become as a society through social media, through screens, through living in homes that are separated from communal, from communal environments and community.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: We have more technology than ever, and yet we have higher rates of anxiety, depression, loneliness, autoimmune disorders, especially among and let me be clear, this is not our fault.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happens when a society programs women to override their biological needs, to keep giving and to keep showing up and taking care of everyone else, and to believe that doing it at the expense of ourselves is actually something to be celebrated.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've already named here, the systems that we live in aren't helping either.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been listening to our Monday episodes, you might know that I'm currently on what I'm calling the wild goose chase through the Western medical system.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've been exploring symptoms I've been experiencing, and it's been over six months now, and I still haven't gotten one clear answer from any doctor that I've seen.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And in one appointment, when I went to go try to learn more about hormonal health and what was going on, and I do know quite a bit, so I wasn't necessarily expecting her to give me answers that I didn't already have, but I did find it very interesting that she referred me to a telehealth service when I was asked about hormone health.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I let her know I'm quite familiar with these services, so thank you.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: I will take that route.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what's really cool, I will say, is that there are beautiful innovative practices emerging.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: We've had Dana Cope on the show, and she specializes in menopause and supporting women in midlife.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm really grateful that these spaces exist.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the mainstream system, the medical, Western medical system, it's not designed to get to the root.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's designed to treat symptoms.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, most of the solutions that they offer are.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I do believe that this too is a reflection of the patriarchal system and really highlights that we don't take women's health seriously.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're conditioned to look outside of ourselves for answers and then told that those answers don't exist, or we're perhaps invalidated or dismissed.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be quite a disorienting loop.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another piece that I see missing here too, when it comes to the mental health care system, which is also a branch of this overarching Western model.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have to say that majority of clients who come to work with me have already tried talk therapy.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: And most of them tell me that not it's not that it doesn't work, it's just that it only gets them to a certain point and that they're not able to go any further.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't believe this is a Reflection of the individuals.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: I believe this is a reflection of the system because the systems were never really designed with the full biology and lived experience of a woman in mind.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your rage, your frustration, your anxiety, your depression.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: I believe they are very wise, valid, and healthy responses to living in a system that asks women to make themselves small, to silence themselves, to override their body signals, and to keep giving.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: So when you look at it in this way, there's really actually nothing wrong with you.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is responding appropriately to an oppressive system.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that is actually a beautiful intelligence.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you might be wondering, where do we go from here?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have been on my own journey of learning what it truly means to care for myself, not just on the surface, but at the level of my nervous system, my relationships, the systems that support me, the cyclical rhythm of my body.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm bringing more and more into the work that I do with women because there is a huge gap.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: We know how to take care of others.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And yet we don't always know how to receive or to even give that care to ourselves.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: If your daughters are watching you, if there are young women around you, what they learn about care, taking care of themselves, they learn from watching you.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we can begin to truly understand what it means to care for ourselves in an integrative, holistic, supportive way, then that can create this ripple effect.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we can start to lay the path for the women coming after us.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so as we are moving through cancer season, I'm gonna invite you to explore what does it mean to really care for yourself?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're all so individual and unique, and so the way I care for myself may or may not be the way that you care for yourself.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I would almost guarantee it would look different in some way.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we think about this physical body and what it means to take care of a physical body, what does that mean to you?
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: When we think about our heart and our emotional health, our emotional body, what does that mean to really take care of your emotions?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then if we think about a cyclical body, what what does it mean to take care of a cyclical body that's constantly changing?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if we think about the spirit as well, our spiritual selves, our soul, what does that mean to take care of that part of ourselves as well?
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be weaving some of these reflections into the cycle sync episode, so I hope that you'll continue this conversation with me there, and we'll definitely be continuing this conversation over the next several weeks.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: But before I let you go, I want you I want to invite you to come back to those questions I asked earlier.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna ask them again and perhaps you can begin to make some connections here.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you see the caregiving you do as valuable?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel obligated to care for others at the expense of yourself?
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find it easier to care for others than to care for yourself?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation stirred something in you and you're ready to explore what it actually looks like to receive the right kind of care, to have a plan that honors your whole self, your nervous system, your cycle, your life, then I have a next step for you.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to go deeper with this work, I invite you to go to the show notes and to book a somatic assessment and care planning session with me.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is a one-on-one session where we look at what's going on with you, what your goals are, what your body's asking for, and we create a plan specific to you.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is also an opportunity to explore the somatic work.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you are drawn to the somatic work, this is a place where you can start to see what it might be able to do for you, how it might be able to support you.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the first step, whether you're joining one of my one-on-one programs or whether you're joining our group offer.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll leave that in the show notes for you.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, I invite you with my whole heart to really care for yourself.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then after you have taken care of yourself, then to take care of others.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll look forward to connecting with you in the next episode.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.