Latest / Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha / Rabbi Moshe Haber Iggeret Ramban: The Necessity of Guardrails: Character and the Power of Review 1.11.26

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Rabbi Moshe Haber Iggeret Ramban: The Necessity of Guardrails: Character and the Power of Review 1.11.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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This thing which is this idea of his entire letter than a bonds
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letter telling his son how to act, how to be in front of other
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people, how to speak and really eventually leading to spiritual
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developments as well, which is interesting how character leads
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to spiritual. We know this concepts to that
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and eventually lead to the fact that you every word that comes
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out of your mouth, you to watch before you say it explain and
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we're dealt with how many times we've gotten ourselves into hot
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water just because it says something without thinking and
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how it's so important to think before you speak and the less
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points are how your tefillah will become pure.
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So we explained that seems like it's love feels.
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Where's my tefillah becoming pure have anything to do with
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all this stuff. So we developed at the idea is
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the more a person is of healthy character and mind, the less
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that person has all sorts of struggles with arrogance and
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insults and all those insecurities.
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And he's therefore much more of a clear thinker.
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And it relates directly to his diffilah, his prayer, because
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your prayer when it's clear thinking is a different prayer
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than your prayer with a foggy mark.
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That's his idea. Just to go a little bit on his
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side point for a minute. Our diffilah is extremely
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powerful and the words that we say can go straight up to Hashem
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and if we have the right frame of mind, it goes right up.
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I'll leave this eye point for later.
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I'll tell you one more point. He says to cry get Azot read
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this letter Palma hot by Shavua once a week.
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The lot of hot he's telling his son to read his letter.
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He gates and I bought him any suited in the printed somewhere
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because he wanted his son to read it once a week with Kaima
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to fulfill it with a record by Tamit and to be able to follow
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in the ways of if you read my letter, he says you're going to
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follow the ways of Hashem. When you follow the ways of
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Hashem, when you connected you connect to Hashem.
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You'll be in a very good spot. So he's telling his son, as
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we've read over the last few months, the most seemingly
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simple letter on direction to life.
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And then he's telling his son repeat it constantly because if
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you do, you're going to be in the right frame of mind and
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you'll be able to follow in the ways of Hashem and you're going
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to do very successful in life. And then he goes out and tell us
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a very big bit of how, which we'll get to the question I have
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is very simple. We know the letter.
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It's a beautiful letter. It's very nice.
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Why would someone think you need to repeat it?
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I understand. Learn the letter and get the
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concepts and goodbye. Why do I need to repeat
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something that is maybe, you know, nice and beautiful?
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I understand that I have to repeat it so often.
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Basic stuff, talk softly, have the right character, have the
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right mindset. Eventually, watch what you say,
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watch how you walked, don't be arrogant.
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Don't be dominating the other people.
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All good ideas. Why is it necessary to repeat so
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often? I'll throw into that a similar
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idea we have with the book of Messiah Shadim.
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So we do this book on Sunday and every day, weekdays we do buy
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the breakfast class Messiah Shadim.
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That's also considered one of the most classic works and he
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writes in the introduction to his book.
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If you're going to read my book once, it's a waste of time.
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You have to read it and repeat it and repeat it again.
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While these books were just telling you the basic rules of
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character required. He'd be repeated so often.
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John Bond says read my letter once a week.
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He's telling his son, and that'll keep you connected to
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Hashem on the right track. Why is it so significant once a
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week? Count it to human nature.
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They're shocked when they review it.
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Zakir The idea is that the simplicity of good character is
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really something that we all believe in.
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We all were raised on this idea. We all learn Torah, which leads
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us to these ideas all understand that.
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However, there's however, the major however, is, is that life,
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the structure of this world and the life that we live,
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everything is wired to destroy character.
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Literally everything in this world, whether it be your
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relationships, business, money scenarios, your ego or your
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emotions, all these things, the wiring is set up in a way at the
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main directive of this wiring of the world that we live in is
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destroy character constantly. That is the director.
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That's why you see people go off the rails so often.
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And so when you watch the news every, I was thinking about this
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last night, actually, OK, we have the new hysteria based on
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the new raids and then the people fighting the raids and
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the things that are going on. And a part of me said to myself,
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a little thing was last time listened to something about it
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was like, when is this end? Which means you have this
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version now. Like, has there ever been some
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sort of calm in the news? I know social media drives you
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crazy and the people fanning the flames.
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And I don't think there's been the time in my, you know,
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relatively recent history reacted.
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There's no calm. It doesn't sell.
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So they're always spanning different flames.
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And I actually heard, I actually heard someone make a joke.
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One of these comedians make a joke.
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He says, Oh, so they go from the they jump from the free
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Palestine protests and then they jump in front of the Ice Age and
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to block them, right. That's what he said.
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In other words, they're going from things to things to pain,
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all right, on one thing to the next, you know, classic.
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They go. It was very funny and and last
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week in the city they went straight from with these free
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Palestine people and then they eventually went to anti Maduro
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capture people. They were same people.
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I didn't even know if it relates.
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I don't know who holds what. I have no ID.
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But why is it now you say they're getting paid.
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I understand that they're getting, but the real theme is
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in a different sense. Maybe those people are extreme,
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but the overall sense is is that people's character, people's
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existence are all ready for the next craziness.
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We are wired. We are in a situation in a
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world, whether it be media or ourselves, which are wired for
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craziness. And unless a president stops
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himself constantly, unless he has a million breaks, he will
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one way or another end up in a level of craziness.
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This is what I tell you that you have to have moussaar in your
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life. You have to have hard rails in
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your life because aside from those, man is naturally wired to
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become very difficult person or to do very bad things just the
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way we are. Messiah Shame writes this in the
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beginning of his book. He says the world that we're
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placed in, this is with the idea of the neshama, which is from
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next to upstairs, being placed into this world, which are
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literally polar opposite. The soul is pretty, the body is
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destructive and the combination and the fusing of the two is
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that we're placed in this world fighting this battle every
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single day. This is why that I'm Bond will
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tell us in his letter. You have to read his letter of
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character once a week. What he's telling you is you
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have to have in your life, whether it be his, his letter or
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something else, something that constantly keeps you on the
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right track, something you need to have, something that keeps
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you humble, something that keeps you wired properly.
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The class is an example, as we mentioned somewhere in one of
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the class yesterday is another example, but it's same theme,
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which is that they came on our rights that every leader has to
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have. AI think it's called the cost
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Shashira Azim, a case of bugs hanging over his neck.
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What do those words mean? A case of bugs dangling over his
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neck. So think about explaining stuff.
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What does it mean? It means that every leader,
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every grain leader needs to have as you may maybe a call a
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skeleton in his closet or a part of his history.
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It's embarrassing. Why is that?
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Why is that an important thing that every leader has to have a
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part of his history that he's ashamed about?
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A parent, a grandparent, something he did years ago,
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someone who's related to. And lo and behold, if you look
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around, you'll find it. By the way, every great leader
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I'm talking about from the beginning of time.
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Let's take Mosher Banner as an example.
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Mosher Banner has a few that are somewhat endorsing.
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Maybe you say growing up in Paro's house, that might not be
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so shameful, but it's a little different, definitely a little
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odd. Maybe it wasn't, didn't live
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among the people for many years. Not such a shameful thing.
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But it kind of is a knock against him.
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If you're looking for the perfect leader.
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He could easily say he doesn't relate to the situation.
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He lives in a different place. Whatever he must have been had
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was. A better example, which I
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learned recently, which is a wild example, is that what
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should have been his parents was a relationship between an aunt
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and a nephew. His mother was the aunt of his
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father. And according to the Toda, once
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a thou would be given, that's not not a marriage as proper,
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which means he was born from a marriage which had it happened
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after that would have been a sin.
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Now it was before that I was nothing wrong, but it still
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wasn't an example that won't be proud of.
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And then you have and then you have so shameful.
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But also something is independent is his speech
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impediment. Whichever live with, why is this
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necessary? Because you need to be
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constantly over and over reminded to pull yourself back
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to have character. So whenever you're getting at
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yourself, Michelle was about to get ahead of himself.
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Let's just say argument's sake. He's to get ahead of himself.
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One second. I'm given the position like you
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mentioned, I'm king. Michelle was defined as king.
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I'm the greatest prophet of all time.
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I'm also defined as original Quan Gado.
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Moshe did the middle of him, which was the original Quan
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Gado. All right, I come from the
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greatest tribe to tribe of Levy. I have all that going for me,
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right? My sister is a prophet.
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My elder brother is crying outdoor, the other crying
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outdoor Almighty little family has everything is out of it.
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There is arrogance ready to go at any time when you have that
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going for you. I'm going to share that you
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know, therefore to have this causal should have seen hanging
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over his neck some embarrassing things.
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We'll call him in his family's history just to keep him at Bay.
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And what did it develop? It developed the most unnomical
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Adam person, the most humble person.
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And then we gave the other example, which is wild as well,
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which is the most shit about a speech impediment, a speech
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impediment. It was difficult to listen to
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him to if he got up to speak, it was hard to hear, hard to listen
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to talk. And he and Ramban says one
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second, you're dealing with a man, miracles are going through
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his hands left and right. The greatest miracles of all
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time happened through Musharra Banu.
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God, send it to Musharra Banu. You know the thing, God can make
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a little tweak on the man's mouth the same way Shem does,
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same way doctors do today. And the boss says why not?
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And the answer is, is the answer.
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Now Vine gives another answer, which is Shem wanted to prove it
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to tada is true. And someone might say, oh, I'm
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listening to Moshe Evano speeches because it's very
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dynamic. No, he listened to his speeches
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because of tada sounds and rings true even if the person doesn't
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know how to speak. That's a good answer, but the
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other answer is this team that Moshe needed to carry his life,
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or the constant reminder that he's limited his limitation
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there. And that keeps you sane and
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keeps you humble. You know some of the most
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impressive leaders of all time. You want to know who kept them
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humble? It's a funny thing.
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You want to know who kept them normal and made them not have
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the arrogance. We're telling you to learn
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Moussa every day. You know what that Moussa was
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every day? Their wives and met their wives
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because they would come home and their wife would say to them,
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you know, you you ignore me today.
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You didn't say something you think you got you forgot to that
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some things and they say there's a you're telling me I'm here.
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I am on top of the world and people are coming to with the
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biggest shit in Lord and the hardest questions and they
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expect me to be and you're getting upset at me or something
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small and they're about to basically be arrogant to their
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wife and they know where that's going to go.
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It'll lead to a more difficult day tomorrow and a more
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difficult day next day. And they therefore have to pull
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themselves but rein themselves in, rein themselves in and to
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start thinking like an old person and that keeps them sane.
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I'm telling you from personal witnessing experience, not in my
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family, but it's so many great rabbis where their wives were
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very tough and their wives are very much buttoned down.
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And I believe watching the situation, it kept those leaders
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very normal and very sane. Because you have to understand
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one way or another, arrogance is set, is ready to set in.
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The feeling of on top of the world can hit anybody.
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The ability to go up the rails is very, very relevant and very
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practical for any normal person. These people who are crazy in
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the streets, you might say they're crazy, you might say
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they paid for. You might say whatever.
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There is an area where if you would have a conversation with
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them before they got crazy, if you would have spoke to them in
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a normal state, all right, Maybe sometimes even within the crazy
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world, if you would have a normal conversation not relating
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to politics, you might even say they're nice people.
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I'll give you a classic example. Many people are nurses and
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hospitals, huh? You might say they're nice.
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You might say so much of the craziness has set in so it's not
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so relevant. Nurses and hospitals.
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A lot of nurses and hospitals have these beliefs a lot.
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And a lot of them at times seem so nice.
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My class example was when my wife was giving birth recently
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and we wanted to get, we wanted to get, I don't know why my wife
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has this thing. She likes to come home.
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Maybe I'm also guys buttoned down, by the way.
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Should I stick at home with some extra stuff from the hospital?
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OK, You can just put Amazon order and you're doing the
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Amazon order anyhow. She likes the extra diapers and
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the extra bottles for whatever reason.
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That's her thing. OK.
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And I have to get it. And if you know me, I'm the type
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of guy I don't ask for a single favor.
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I can handle favors and I'm I'm comfortable when I ask for it.
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But my job when I'm in the hospital and I'm one most
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important job is not to be the delivery is is to take sure that
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we come alls with this stuff. So that is the job.
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Everybody do a good job with that mission accomplished.
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If I fail, then you know it's the way it is.
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So the nurse came in. It's right before we're leaving
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and we asked didn't really go so well.
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And then we got like some like like like really cloth diapers.
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It was nothing. It was a waste of time.
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So our wife gives me she had chocolate bars admit I don't
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know if she told me to go buy choke a bars that she had choke
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a bars. And my job was to basically woo
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in one of the nurses. Like you know, when one of the
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nurses came in, I gave them choke a bars to thank them what
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they did. And then I had to ask them.
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And the feeling first was ridiculous.
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OK, I felt like she would lose real honestly, but I did it and
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it was very effective. And then I went and I got we
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have a full suitcase and stuff. I still have it now.
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And then I went to the front desk to thank them and he's a
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whole bunch of these nurses swinging around that desk and I
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brought a had extra candy with me and I gave to all of them and
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they're all like a bunch of wackos, honestly, with all the
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very funny. It was very weird, all very
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strange to I forget the look. And they were all and I gave
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them all gifts, these little candies, nothing.
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And they were all so thankful and so nice.
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And they're telling each other about this guy and they're all
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so excited. I remember the answer was thing
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to myself, like these people, one guy's got long hair and this
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and the other thing, they're weird as it gets, but there's a
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part of them that actually has a nice angle.
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Like they almost got humanized for a second and a half.
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And it's true. When you go somewhere and you
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see somewhere and there's something about them that's
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you're human. What is it?
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They really can have easily, you can easily find and people can
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be wired normally anyone. The problem is, is that they go
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crazy and they go crazy and crazy and they have nothing
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stopping them. Instead, they have a world
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that's pushing the craziness and it's boiling up.
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You think about that woman in Minnesota.
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I thought about it myself. I even watched some of the
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videos. What happened?
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She's a mother. She's a human being.
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She got wired and got crazy and got so upset and got so upset
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until she said to herself, let me just whatever drive into them
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or block whatever she did. It's such a crazy wiring, but
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it's so easily able. Yeah, he was so able to get
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there. You can get there in a second.
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The same way we can get wired an hour with things, they can get
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wired on theirs. The reality is you need to have
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no matter what you believe in, you need to have guardrails.
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You need to have something that reminds you every single day.
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Let me think about this. Let me say to myself, does it
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make sense? That's all you need.
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Does it make sense is kind of from a good character.
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Would my excuse me, would my parents be proud of this right
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on the same day when I say have certain guardrails and when you
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do, you become an incredible great, incredibly great person.
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If you don't, any person in any situation can go off the rails.
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Literally if you don't have that control.
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This is what he's telling you. This is a letter of what is
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lesson of why read a letter like this every single day?
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Because you need to have stop gaps.
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You need to have guardrails. You do something that reminds
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you and yes, if it's your wife, it's a baraka.
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If your wife, it's once in a while it tells you you should
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think about it staring things. So maybe that doesn't make
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sense. It's a blessing.
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It is a blessing because she'll stop you if it's your kids.
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If it's your kids, it's also a blessing.
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It is if you think about many great people, it's reality.
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Many great people I know personally, there was certain
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things I was very into and my wife could care less for them,
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could care less for her and she just wasn't on board with these
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certain things, right? She's on board with certain
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things I do, certain things I was very highly motivated about.
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I want to get more detailed because it reveal itself
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certainly is highly motivated about and I was very proud of
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myself. I felt very good about myself
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doing it and my wife did not care for at all.
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And that helped me really and that helped me drop those things
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in my life. And it was the greatest thing
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for me to drop those things. Why wasn't good for me.
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Those areas wasn't my type, wasn't where my strengths were,
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but it was only because she didn't care.
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And I came home after doing those things and I felt very
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good about myself and I got nothing and they got nothing.
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And then help guy. Anyway, how come it only works
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one way? What if the wife life something
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and you don't like it? She's really here.
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True, that's very good. It true it is, by the way, It's
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true. There's a reason for his
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dynamic. I don't know what it is.
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Maybe it's because a man is more aggressive.
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Maybe because we have more forward thinking in a sense.
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We really have a lot of great strengths, but we do need their.
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I don't know if it's just it's a level of sanity, which is
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surprising. It's surprising because they
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seem to be a certain woman seem to be much hot, much more
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emotional. So you'd be, I always find it
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very surprising. Like how does she know?
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How does she have a sense that this is the wrong thing, but
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she's not really related to it? I, I my, my favorite example of
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all time personally, I've said this example before, was that
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when my father first got really sick and I spent an entire month
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on and off in the hospital, it was Ilhu I spent the time with
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on the hospital, in the hospital every other night sleeping
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there. And I missed yeshiva for a
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month, pretty much missed this year for a month and I was some
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hot tud. I've set this example for some
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hot tud. And normally every year my
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custom, whatever my thing is, she was in Bay Parkway.
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I walked down some hot tud all night.
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It's a great celebration. It's very exciting.
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They go wee hours in a night. That's a lot of fun.
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So that year I told my wife this, I'm not going.
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She said why not going? I said I'm not going because I'm
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embarrassed to go. I went and learned for a month.
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I was literally yeshiva. I showed up once and it's
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embarrassing. So I'm not going to go.
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He says, I'm telling you right now, if you don't go, you're
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going to leave Yoshi if ever I said, what are you crazy?
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I'm on Yoshi if ever, but it's not going to go this time
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because I'm embarrassed to go. It doesn't make sense.
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You should go because you're going to leave Yoshi.
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If I said I'm going to walk, I said I'm going to walk into the
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Mama dodge and they're going to look at me funny, right, because
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I have a monetary pretty much in a month and I'm going to feel
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very weird. What am I doing going?
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He should just go. I remember I went.
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I remember I took my some of my family, even care of my kids
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came with me. And some reason they don't look
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at me funny as an always, you know, you always say this to
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yourself. It's not true.
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You don't let you know your situation.
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What what it was. Yeah, that's true.
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It is true. That's by the feel that way.
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You're right. By the feel that way.
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I don't know why I feel that way playing Wookie.
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You know, it's a good point. It's true.
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Fairpoint. I was doing the right thing.
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I agree with you, but I was a little bit uncomfortable about
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this. I went, I was a great
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celebration. I had a great time.
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They literally handed me a service without the calorie
20:41
immediately, which is a very big on over there and it's a very
20:43
big deal. And I Hashem been yeshiva from
20:47
then time. It's about 7 years ago now.
20:49
I'm still there and my plan is to never leave.
20:51
And it's very much I related to that move and I was I thought
20:54
she was crazy. I thought she was pushing too
20:55
hard. I thought she was out of her
20:56
mind honestly. And she pushed and pushed his
20:59
intuition. And that's true in those areas
21:01
when they push you, it's also true when they stop you.
21:05
And a person has to accept like guardrails in life, you need to
21:08
be stopped over and over again. We get wired, we get very fast,
21:13
we get very motivated, we get very driven, we get very angry,
21:17
and we lose ourselves. And you need to have guardrails.
21:19
If it's your wife, it's a badaja.
21:21
If it's your parents, it's a badaja.
21:24
I can't tell how many times I had my parents call me up.
21:26
They used to call me up on speaker.
21:28
This is their system. I still get it till today.
21:31
My parents used to call me up on speaker.
21:33
All right. I mean, they're sitting by their
21:35
dinner table and they're debating something and what the
21:37
demanding is me. That's right.
21:41
Am I doing the right thing, doing the wrong thing?
21:43
And they would tell me something.
21:44
A classic example on my mind was one of the people in the shul
21:47
wanted a bar mitzvah and I didn't want to go.
21:50
Was this relates to right now or so one of that about mitzvah and
21:53
I didn't feel like going was I don't really want to go.
21:56
My wife was do whatever. And my parents said you got to
21:59
go. And I thought they're crazy and
22:00
I got to go and I have to go with his room and they say more
22:03
so you got to go. This guy did a lot.
22:05
You have to go. And I went and it was one of the
22:07
greatest things also because they told me you need to have
22:10
people who talk to you who are not just yes men or yes women.
22:14
There are people who are guardrails.
22:16
And the same thing is true with learning something, to have
22:18
something that makes you reflect and says to yourself, hey, is
22:22
this a good idea or is it a bad idea?
22:23
Maybe I'm a little too wired right now.
22:25
Maybe I'm a little too fast. Maybe I'm a little bit too much
22:28
in my own head and I'm going off the rails.
22:31
That's the idea of learning these things all the time to
22:34
slow us down and better yet, to guide us.
22:37
That's what you need. Guide us all.
22:38
Are the women ever wrong? A million times Witty.
22:41
A lot of times they're wrong. Turns out to be the wrong.
22:43
Yeah, Yeah, they are long wrong. A lot of times they're wrong.
22:48
And this is the truth. Or I have a joy when saying this
22:50
speech. I thought it was the greatest
22:51
line. He said a guy who says, oh, I
22:53
always listen to my wife. That guy's teal.
22:56
The guy always says I never listen to my wife.
22:58
Something like that guy's either arrogant or silly, the in
23:01
between and when you take them as God rules, God ruling.
23:05
The same thing with Musar. By the way, anything I'm telling
23:08
you in this book or whatever, if you took it 100%, it may take
23:12
you off the wrong path, may take you nothing properly.
23:14
You need to take it and put it into your mind like common
23:18
exactly apply common sense and come just the point is you need
23:21
to have an outside look, some of them outside the reality of you.
23:25
If you would be yourself over there looking at yourself, you'd
23:28
be able to tell yourself this. Sometimes our emotions are so
23:31
strong where our feelings are so strong, our drive is so
23:34
motivated. It's hard to see the other side.
23:37
You need to have another side. And yes, especially your wives
23:40
who know you, who know where you're going with this.
23:43
They have an intuition. So they, they, they can
23:45
definitely be wrong. That's that's very teal to think
23:47
that they're 100% right, but they have an outside reflected
23:51
intuition trouble by. You though, so if she's if your
23:55
wife tells you something it's not right and turns out wrong,
23:57
at least you had shallow blood. You listen to her.
24:01
Two weeks ago. I'll be honest.
24:02
Not that well, MOA. If your wife's wrong, you don't
24:05
have to listen to her. No, I'm gonna say, let's say.
24:07
You do it, you got a little pauses.
24:09
Though. You got a little pause a little,
24:12
you got a little, you got a little gift for that getting.
24:15
I two weeks ago in my mind, I had a situation, it was late at
24:18
night and someone needed a visit and my wife told me don't go,
24:23
don't go. I don't think it's right for you
24:24
to go. You're going to have no effect.
24:26
Don't go. I said, I feel bad for the
24:28
person. I got to go visit them.
24:29
She said don't go, it's not going to be effective.
24:31
Don't go. And I, I convinced her to say
24:35
yes. And there was, it's a nice
24:37
thing. How can I say no?
24:38
And I went and one of the, you know, the last three weeks I had
24:42
two colds. One of my colds came, but I went
24:45
there. I got so heavily.
24:46
I think I got so emotionally evolved.
24:49
I came home late. I went to sleep late.
24:51
I woke up early for class and I got sick from it, I believe, and
24:55
I really believe I got sick because the person didn't listen
24:57
to me. Honestly, the person I believe
24:59
made a mistake and it was completely, it was totally in
25:02
effect. And for the next two days I had
25:06
to deal with those 4 words. I told you so, I told you so, I
25:11
told you so. And she's right.
25:12
And my wife's the best, the greatest supporter there is.
25:14
But she was 1000% right. The reason I accepted I told you
25:17
so was because I felt the same way, which was I was too heavily
25:21
involved emotionally to deal with the thing clearly.
25:24
And the truth is, you need the guard rails.
25:26
If you don't have him, if you drive to him like I just did,
25:29
you know where it goes. So what's up with this?