Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #495 From the Doctor's Desk

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#495 From the Doctor's Desk · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
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  Speaker 2: Reading helps with resilience, particularly for those kids who are
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  Speaker 2: most at risk.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that's fascinating.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is docor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot you, and I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: wife and mum to our six kids and Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: podcast partner.
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  Speaker 3: Kylie. I've got a question for you.
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  Speaker 2: When you think about our six children and their naming process, did.
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  Speaker 3: You name pretty much all of them? I sure I
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  Speaker 3: did so.
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  Speaker 2: I mean I vaguely remember with one or two of
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  Speaker 2: the kids I had some name preferences. And usually what
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  Speaker 2: happened in those cases was that you humored me, You let.
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  Speaker 3: Me believe whatever I wanted to believe.
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  Speaker 2: And then at the end of the labor as I
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  Speaker 2: was a blubbering mess, cry and telling you how amazing
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  Speaker 2: you were and how much I love this new baby,
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  Speaker 2: you would look at me and tell me her name
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  Speaker 2: is going to be, and then you would share the name.
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  Speaker 3: That's about how it worked, right.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I worked out very quickly that when I was
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  Speaker 4: in that space, you pretty much would give me anything
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  Speaker 4: I wanted.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's kind of how it worked, right, But.
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  Speaker 2: There are a couple of kids that it didn't work
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  Speaker 2: that way. Like it took a while to come up
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  Speaker 2: with some names.
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  Speaker 4: All of them were named by the time they were born,
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  Speaker 4: except for number six.
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  Speaker 3: Except for Emily. Yeah, yeah, yea, yes, she.
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  Speaker 4: Was kneeling nine days old before we came to a consensus.
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  Speaker 4: But the only reason that happened was because it was
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  Speaker 4: the very first time that you put your foot down
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  Speaker 4: and said I actually want to have a part of this.
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  Speaker 2: Well that was I'm stumbling and stammering because I want
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  Speaker 2: to say this with sensitivity and gentleness, but the name
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  Speaker 2: that you chose for the baby was one that I
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  Speaker 2: just couldn't go with.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know if I should share the name.
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  Speaker 4: I think that I could make a lot of money
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  Speaker 4: selling this name. It's beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: Well, okay, you might as well say it.
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  Speaker 4: I wanted to call her Ruby.
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  Speaker 2: Ruby Red, Ruby Red, And I mean for any Ruby
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  Speaker 2: Red who are listening, or any parents who named their
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  Speaker 2: children Ruby Red, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't live
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  Speaker 2: with a child that was called Ruby Red.
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  Speaker 3: I just names just so.
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  Speaker 4: Ruby was my great grandmother's name.
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  Speaker 3: Right, So I mean it's meaningful, and red.
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  Speaker 4: Is actually my favorite color. Yeah, and so I just
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  Speaker 4: I thought it was a little bit edgy, and I
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  Speaker 4: loved the fact that she was going to be called
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  Speaker 4: my favorite favorite right.
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  Speaker 2: And you couldn't stand the name that I had. I
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  Speaker 2: couldn't know, which was olive joy.
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  Speaker 4: I can't stand eating them, let alone the color.
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  Speaker 2: So obviously we were at an impasse, and eventually, nine
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  Speaker 2: days down the track, we came up with the name
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  Speaker 2: Emily Eden, which we have been really excited about and
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  Speaker 2: happy about for well, let's.
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  Speaker 4: Just say, even after a month of having her called
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  Speaker 4: Emily Eden, you asked me if you could change her
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  Speaker 4: name by deep hole.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the reason that I raised this and again, I
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  Speaker 2: mean a couple of months ago we did a podcast
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  Speaker 2: episode talk about some of the biggest Bogan names based
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  Speaker 2: on a news report at one of the better known
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  Speaker 2: news establishments in Australia. I don't know that we were
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  Speaker 2: sensitive enough and gentle enough. I mean, names really are personal,
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  Speaker 2: and as you explain why you like the name Ruby Red,
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  Speaker 2: I actually have a lot of sympathy, recognition, understanding empathy
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  Speaker 2: for why you might want to call a child a
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  Speaker 2: particular name. There's a professional baby namer in the United States, though,
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  Speaker 2: who is.
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  Speaker 3: Charging real dollars to name babies for people. Her name
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  Speaker 3: is Taylor Humphrey.
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  Speaker 2: She's got a TikTok account and she is a professional
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  Speaker 2: baby namer. Minimum fee to get your baby named two
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  Speaker 2: thousand dollars. Would you pay two thousand dollars to not
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  Speaker 2: go through the grief that we went through for nine
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  Speaker 2: days as we argued over names.
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  Speaker 4: This is really intriguing. I would actually like to be
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  Speaker 4: a fly on the wall and see how this process works, because,
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  Speaker 4: like you said, naming a child is such a personal thing,
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  Speaker 4: even though it was pretty tricky. Number six. I remember
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  Speaker 4: when the health nurse rang on day five to ask
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  Speaker 4: how everything was going. We were settling in, and did
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  Speaker 4: we have a name for baby yet? And I looked
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  Speaker 4: across at her door. I was in her bedroom changing
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  Speaker 4: her nappy at the time, and I looked across and
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  Speaker 4: a friend of mine had brought me this gorgeous little
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  Speaker 4: house tag that said number six on it, and it
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  Speaker 4: was hanging on her door, and I kind of went
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  Speaker 4: numbers of.
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  Speaker 1: The six.
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  Speaker 4: She had no idea what to say. I just it
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  Speaker 4: was such a tricky one for us. I think part
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  Speaker 4: of the reason was we'd already named five children. They
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  Speaker 4: each have a middle neighbor girls of my girl's names.
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  Speaker 4: But I think the other thing that was really tricky
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  Speaker 4: this time around was was we kind of knew she
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  Speaker 4: was our last, and there was just something so important
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  Speaker 4: about that process for us.
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  Speaker 2: I think that there's a market here though, like this,
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  Speaker 2: this baby namer, she's made two hundred grand last year naming.
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  Speaker 3: She's done a hundred baby names, two hundred thousand dollars
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  Speaker 3: in a year.
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  Speaker 2: To be a professional baby namemer, so understand the process.
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  Speaker 2: She'll charge a minimum fee if it's just going to
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  Speaker 2: be a phone call, but then she might go and
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  Speaker 2: do genealogical investigation and find some family names and puts
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  Speaker 2: this list together, bringing up all of the old family
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  Speaker 2: names that have been carried through the generations. Recently, she
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  Speaker 2: chose the baby name Parks Parks Parks for a couple
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  Speaker 2: who had their first kiss in a town called Parker,
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  Speaker 2: and I think it's kind of creative. She also advised
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  Speaker 2: an anxious mother who was considering changing her young daughter's
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  Speaker 2: name Eler Isla Isler because it kept being mispronounced, and
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  Speaker 2: she was paid for telling the mom to stick with
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  Speaker 2: the Scottish name two grand to keep the name she
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  Speaker 2: didn't even know anyway, she said, I think you should
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  Speaker 2: keep it. That only two thousand dollars pay the invoice,
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  Speaker 2: Thanks very much. I think it's fascinating the way that
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  Speaker 2: people do this. Her topics. For one mum recently who
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  Speaker 2: was having a third child and she needed a name
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  Speaker 2: that would go with Emmett and Miller.
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  Speaker 3: Her other two kid's Emmett and Miller. What am I
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  Speaker 3: going to do?
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  Speaker 2: And so she said Grady Wilson, Whale and or Fletcher.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm not quite sure that I get it.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know how she can charge two grand plus
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  Speaker 2: up to thirteen thousand dollars if she's going to do
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  Speaker 2: the genealogical investigations like.
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  Speaker 3: This is big money. But obviously people are willing to
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  Speaker 3: pay so they don't have to go through the pain.
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  Speaker 2: And I guess if they get a bad name because
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  Speaker 2: oh it wasn't our fault, it was the baby namer.
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  Speaker 3: Look, there's always deep all right. I guess there must.
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  Speaker 2: Be anyway we should get on with the podcast. And
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  Speaker 2: talk about what we're talking about today. After the break,
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  Speaker 2: we're going to come back and chat about two doctor's
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  Speaker 2: desk studies. As you know, every month we love to
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  Speaker 2: dive into what science is telling us about how to
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  Speaker 2: be better parents, what the latest parenting science is. And
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  Speaker 2: there's a couple of studies that have come out recently
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  Speaker 2: that highlight how we can help our children to be
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  Speaker 2: more resilient. And I'll give you some hints around this.
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  Speaker 2: One of the studies has to do with the power
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  Speaker 2: of reminiscence, and the other has to do with the
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  Speaker 2: power of reading for resilience. Your daughter just walked by,
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  Speaker 2: eyes glued to her phone, expression unreadable.
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  Speaker 3: You ask her to put it down, but she balks.
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  Speaker 2: You know it's not good for her, but you're not
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  Speaker 2: sure why or how to support better choices. In the
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  Speaker 2: webinar pixel perfect I joined with psychologists and Team tech
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: expert Jocelyn Brewer to discuss how to set screen boundaries
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: that work for you and your daughter. Check out pixel
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: perfect now on the Happy Family's webshop.
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  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast with a time
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  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm really curious
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  Speaker 4: how reading and remembrance can help build resilience.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So the first study we're going to talk about
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  Speaker 2: for our Doctor's Desk episode today comes from the University
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  Speaker 2: of South Australia some researchers there. Well, actually, let's get
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  Speaker 2: the context right. First of all, in Australia, there are
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  Speaker 2: a lot of children who are at risk.
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  Speaker 3: In fact, it's the same ride around the world.
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  Speaker 2: In twenty twenty one, so this is a COVID year,
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  Speaker 2: Nearly three one hundred thousand kids aged zero to seventeen
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  Speaker 2: had one or more child protection notifications, one hundred and
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  Speaker 2: five thousand of them with the subject of an investigation,
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  Speaker 2: and about fifty thousand, that's one thousand Australian children every
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  Speaker 2: week with the subject of substantiated abuse or neglect. In
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  Speaker 2: other words, we know that there is maltreatment going on here.
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  Speaker 2: We know that there is something damaging and wrong happening.
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  Speaker 2: These children are experiencing genuine adverse childhood experiences through the
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  Speaker 2: literally through the fault of their parents who are being
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  Speaker 2: liblectible or abusive, and so the researchers were trying to
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  Speaker 2: work out what can we do in terms of resilience
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  Speaker 2: with these kids. So sixty five thousand children completed the
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  Speaker 2: Early Australian Development Sensus some years ago at five to
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  Speaker 2: six years of age when they were studying primary school.
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  Speaker 2: And the research has found three four hundred of these
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  Speaker 2: kids that were high risk they'd experienced maltreatment. And what
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  Speaker 2: they found was that boys are developmentally behind the girls,
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  Speaker 2: particularly if they've been to abuse or neglect. Now we've
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  Speaker 2: always known that boys are behind when it comes to
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  Speaker 2: academics and neurological development. This is not a new thing,
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  Speaker 2: but it's particularly the case if they've been exposed to.
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  Speaker 3: Abuse or neglect.
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  Speaker 2: And these University of South Australia researchers basically said, well,
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  Speaker 2: what can we discover when it comes to resilience, protective factors,
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  Speaker 2: the kinds of factors that will help these kids.
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  Speaker 3: To do well in life.
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  Speaker 2: And in a nutshell, what they found was that there's
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  Speaker 2: a handful of things that can predict resilience. Number One,
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  Speaker 2: the older you are when these adverse experiences occur, the
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  Speaker 2: less likely it is that they'll have significant impact. So
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  Speaker 2: obviously younger kids have more negative impacts from those maltreatment,
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  Speaker 2: abuse and neglect scenarios.
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  Speaker 4: When you think about little children, so much of what
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  Speaker 4: goes on in the world they don't understand, right, And
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  Speaker 4: yet you're suggesting the data is suggesting that the younger
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  Speaker 4: they are, when they experience these things that they can't
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  Speaker 4: actually underst stand, yeah, the bigger than the impact.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And I don't know that I've got a really great
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  Speaker 2: explanation for this. This is not an area that I've
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  Speaker 2: studied in depth. But I have a hypothesis, and that
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  Speaker 2: is that because our mind is such a great storyteller,
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  Speaker 2: it's so great at coming up with a narrative explanation
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  Speaker 2: for things. When we're younger, we don't have that same
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  Speaker 2: storytelling capability, and so things that happen to us feel random,
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  Speaker 2: which make us feel increasingly vulnerable and at risk, and
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  Speaker 2: so therefore the world feels increasingly unpredictable and unsafe. Whereas
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  Speaker 2: as you get older, when these horrible things happen, they're
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  Speaker 2: still horrible, they're still adverse, and they still can be traumatizing.
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  Speaker 2: But when you've got the capacity to make up a
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  Speaker 2: story about it and to highlight or understand the predictable
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  Speaker 2: or unpredictable nature of it and why you may adapt
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  Speaker 2: better to it, I think that's part of the reason interesting.
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  Speaker 2: So further on, though, the research is found that not
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  Speaker 2: only being older, not only was that a predictor of resilience,
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  Speaker 2: not having an emotional condition is obviously going to be
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  Speaker 2: much better for you. And the other thing that's better
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  Speaker 2: for you is being read to at home. In other words,
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  Speaker 2: reading helps with resilience, particularly for those kids who are
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  Speaker 2: most at risk. And I think that's fascinating when you
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  Speaker 2: consider just the simple fact that somebody is sitting with you,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe you're sitting in their lap, and they're turning
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  Speaker 2: pages of a book and reading to you, and it
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  Speaker 2: makes you more resilient. I think that's an astonishing and
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  Speaker 2: simple intervention that can make so much difference.
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  Speaker 4: And when you think of these kids that are in
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  Speaker 4: high risk situations, the likelihood that somebody is doing that.
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  Speaker 3: Very very low, very low. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So the take home message from this particular study,
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  Speaker 2: I mean, most of the people who are listening to
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  Speaker 2: this podcast are probably raising children who are not at
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  Speaker 2: risk of maltreatment, abuse, neglect, but you may know somebody
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  Speaker 2: who is, or maybe you just want to give your
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  Speaker 2: children as much of a protective factor as you can.
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  Speaker 2: And while this study has been done with kids who
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  Speaker 2: are risk. We know that time together, connection, physical touch, reading,
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  Speaker 2: We know that these things actually boost resilience, they boost
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  Speaker 2: well being, and they can make a difference.
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  Speaker 3: So that's studying number one from the doctor's desk.
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  Speaker 2: The second one we're going to have to go through
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  Speaker 2: fairly quickly because our time is getting away from us.
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  Speaker 2: But some researchers in New Zealand, Kylie In at the
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  Speaker 2: University of Otago, did another fascinating study, this one about reminiscence.
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  Speaker 2: They did this study and basically they found that toddler's
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  Speaker 2: whose mothers received special coaching in talking about their memories,
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  Speaker 2: those toddlers grew into teenagers who experience better well being.
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  Speaker 3: That's intriguing.
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  Speaker 4: We've talked about this before on the podcast, this idea
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  Speaker 4: of helping our children understand where they came from, you know,
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  Speaker 4: sharing their family memories with them and stories about you know,
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  Speaker 4: people in their past, their grandparents asked growing up. But
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  Speaker 4: this obviously is kind of taking it to a whole
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  Speaker 4: other level because you're acknowledging that they're actually being trained
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  Speaker 4: in a certain way, in a certain style of sharing memories.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, the do you know scale is what you're talking
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  Speaker 2: about Professor Marshall Duke from Emory University is the one
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  Speaker 2: who came up with this idea that if you teach
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  Speaker 2: children where they're from by just teaching them about you
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  Speaker 2: your life. Look at the photos of where you grew up,
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  Speaker 2: how parents met, what went on at the child's birth,
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  Speaker 2: what school you went to. All those kinds of things
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  Speaker 2: they help kids to be more resilient. This University of
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  Speaker 2: a Tago research basically found that these fifteen year olds
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  Speaker 2: told more coherent stories about turning points in their lives
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  Speaker 2: if their mums had been taught these conversational techniques fourteen
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  Speaker 2: years earlier when they were one. And the conversational technique
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  Speaker 2: is really simple. You sit down with you a little one,
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  Speaker 2: and you reminisce about the stuff that's just happened. We
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: were down at the park and we were throwing the
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  Speaker 2: styropham plane and it did big loops, and do you
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  Speaker 2: remember the ducks on the water, and do you remember
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  Speaker 2: the way it was windy in the plane went along
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  Speaker 2: way like It's literally just about what we would call
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  Speaker 2: active and constructive conversations, active in that we're talking about
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  Speaker 2: it and constructing, we're building it into something more and
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  Speaker 2: more and more, reminiscence is a protective factor for resilience.
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  Speaker 4: I wonder if our eight year old actually has done
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  Speaker 4: a bit of research herself, because just yesterday we were
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  Speaker 4: sitting in the car and she says, do you remember
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  Speaker 4: when we were at the park that day, Mum? And
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  Speaker 4: she told me all of these things that happened at
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  Speaker 4: the park and I can't, for the life of me
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  Speaker 4: remember it, but it was so clear to her.
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  Speaker 2: I just think this is such an important thing to
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  Speaker 2: highlight because as a parent listening to the podcast, a
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: time poor parent who wants answers, now, this is something
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  Speaker 2: that is an answer for building resilience, and it's so simple.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, two answers today. Number one, read to your
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  Speaker 2: kids and number two reminisce with them. This is kind
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  Speaker 2: of the power of the grateful things conversations that you
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: have around the dinner table at night. What were you
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  Speaker 2: grateful for today, what stood out to you, what was
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  Speaker 2: wonderful about today. Let's share those stories, let's re enact
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  Speaker 2: those stories, Let's.
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  Speaker 3: Relive those stories.
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  Speaker 2: Because it helps kids to feel connected, understood, and it
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  Speaker 2: gives them that narrative art for their lives.
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  Speaker 3: One of the researchers.
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  Speaker 2: The lead researcher, who's a clinical psychologist sur name is
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  Speaker 2: doctor Claire Mitchell says that there's a whole lot of
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  Speaker 2: data that shows this wellbeing drop during adolescence and I
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  Speaker 2: talk about this all the time in my live presentations.
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  Speaker 2: I show the data that highlights that from the age
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  Speaker 2: of eight through to eighteen, resilience just it's on this
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  Speaker 2: downward slope and it keeps on dropping all the way
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  Speaker 2: through into adulthood.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, it's awful to watch.
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  Speaker 2: And only about one in four of our kids maintains
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  Speaker 2: a good or high level of resilience right through to
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  Speaker 2: the end of year twelve.
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  Speaker 3: One in four, three and four are.
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  Speaker 2: Not maintaining that high level of resilience. And so if
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  Speaker 2: this is the case, having conversations like this can make
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: such a difference resilience reminiscence. Reading the three hours for
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: today's podcast. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
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  Speaker 2: We really hope that today's podcast has been helpful for you.
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: The Doctor's Desk will return again next month. In the meantime,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: if you'd like more info about making your family happier.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: Please visit us at our
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Facebook page, doctor Justin Corson's Happy Families or happy families
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: dot com dot au