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When I Snapped and My Eyes Turned Black · The Mental Healness Podcast

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The time my eyes turn blacks as a narcissist, right?
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I know a lot of people have these, these scenarios where you
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face a narcissist and you say their eyes turn black and they
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lose their minds and they start going crazy.
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Is that a phenomenon? Is that real?
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Has it happened to me before? That's what we're talking about
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today, y'all. Of course, if you're near I'm
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Lee Hammock, I'm a diagnosed narcissist, and welcome to
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another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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So boom, y'all welcome back y'all welcome back, welcome back
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yo. Before we hop too deep in
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today's episode, y'all make sure you haven't already to check out
0:46
my course. It's called Finding Your Why.
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It's about healing from narcissistic abuse.
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The course is available at my website, mentalillness.net.
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Enter the code Mothers or Fathers for 50% off mental
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illness.net. Yeah, y'all my eyes.
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These not baby blue. These are baby Browns.
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Beep blink, blink, blink. They turn black.
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One time, that one time that I know of, Did I see my eyes turn
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black? No.
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Did I feel it? No.
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But my wife said hey, your eyes turned black.
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I didn't know what the hell was going on.
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I got police tell tell you about that experience right there.
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So if a narcissist or talk to a person, whoever you deal with,
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they didn't have to be a narcissist, right?
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If you see them and their eyes become huge, right, dilated or
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whatever the case may be, sometimes they could be a sign
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of something deeper going on. No, I know what people are going
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to say. Yeah, At least something deeper.
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Something deeper from the depths of hell because you're a demon
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as a devil. I don't think it's the devil.
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I think I don't think it's the devil.
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More alone in my mind is more likely a psychotic break, right?
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When I when this happened to me, I was I'm 40 years old right
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now. I've been in therapy for eight
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years. So I might have been in therapy
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at this time. So this between 6:00.
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It might be 9 years ago. I'm not 100%.
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Sorry. Maybe 19 years ago.
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But yeah, we were in this house about 9 years.
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I said about nine years ago, right?
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I me, me and my wife again to an argument about something dumb.
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It's something that I used to saw a dumb argument.
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Y'all, it isn't 100% on me. I don't even I don't even
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remember what it was. I know I started it.
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It was something stupid, right? And the deeper the argument got,
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the angrier that I was getting because I felt like my wife was
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not listening to me. This is the part I'm lucid for,
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right? This is the part I can remember.
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I felt like my wife was not listening to me.
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Like no matter what I say, she had a counterpoint and she I
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feel like my words are not getting through.
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I'm like, you just not listening.
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You just not listening. Like what the hell is going on?
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Like what can I say to make you understand my point?
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Like you're too stupid, you're too dumb.
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You just don't understand. Like your feeble little tiny
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brain is not just like you don't get it.
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I'm have, I have an elevated way of thinking narcissistic.
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Y'all horrible. Yes, yes, I've apologized my
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wife for saying horrible stuff to her right?
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But I'm like, none of that stuff was working right?
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And that's the last thing I remember.
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Now this is what my wife tells me the story.
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She's like, no, Lee. She didn't call me Lee.
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My wife calls me Damon. My first name is Damon.
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So she like, I only think so. I remember looking at a picture.
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This is what we were. I remember looking at a picture
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on the wall, right? It was a picture like a canvas
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picture of my wife and I, right, that we had took in the woods or
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whatever. It was like a professional shoot
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and it was like a canvas picture, canvas print out.
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I remember looking at that picture, staring at it, and
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that's the last thing I remember.
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The next thing I remember is open to my eyes.
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The last thing I remember is kind of like blinking and open
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my eyes and like, I was outside and the police were there.
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The police was like, come here, come everybody come here and
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talk to us. I was like, wait, what the hell?
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I'm like, huh. I'm literally shocked.
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I went from looking at a picture on the wall to the like 3 or 4
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police officers and my wife running out, running outside
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with my, with my infants and my, with my infant son.
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So yeah, he's nine years old. So he's about nine years ago.
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Yeah, I remember now. I remember her running outside
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and they were like, what's going on here?
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I'm like, literally, I do not know what's going on.
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And I meant it. And I know my wife, she's
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sitting over there. She's just looking.
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She was like, what the hell? You know, she's scared.
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She's like, what the hell is going on?
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What the hell is like? And she told me like later on,
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she's like you realistically. She's like, I was so angry at
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the police because they believed you, because you said you didn't
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know what happened. I was like I really truly do not
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know what happened. I do not know what I did.
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So that's why I was so convincing to the police because
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I honestly did not know what happened.
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I did not know why they were here.
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I'm like what the hell y'all doing here?
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What I didn't, I haven't done anything.
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I was just talking to my wife, which I thought I was doing
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right but I didn't. So later on my wife fills in the
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gaps y'all. So let's prepare for the fill in
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the gaps. It's not good.
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Of course, she's like you were looking at that picture on the
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wall and then you started humming and then you started
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humming and whistling and then you looked at me and your eyes
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was like huge if pupils, if pupils had dilated.
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And then you grabbed you went to the kitchen, grab some scissors
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and you took that. You just stabbed the pain.
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You stabbed the pitcher and ripped it through, ripped it
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through. And this is like I had to back
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up. I had to back up, Ralph.
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I, I had to back up because this is how we bought, this is how
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the conversation came up. Like we didn't talk about it for
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years. We didn't talk about what had
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happened for years, right until we were laying in the bed.
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We were laying in the bed one night and I saw that picture in
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the closet in my son's closet ripped up.
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The picture was in my son's closet, like ripped the shreds.
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And I thought that she had cut it up.
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I thought my wife had angrily done that.
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I thought just literally she had angrily cut that picture up and
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I, I left it in the closet. I was like, my wife's going to,
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she's going to see that picture one day and she's going to get
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rid of it like this. Just her reminder of of my bad
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days and I just need to be better.
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So I'm going to, I'm going to let her throw it away when I'm
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ready. A year went by.
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I'm like, why the hell is that picture still in the closet?
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So I asked my therapist. I'm like, there's this picture
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that my wife cut up. It's in my son's closet that I,
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it bothers me that it's still there.
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It's like mom is reminded me of bad times and I don't want to,
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you know, I know, I know she, I know she.
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I said, I know she cut it up out of anger, but I think I'm ready
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to talk about it. She's like, yeah, go home.
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Talk to your wife about it. So we were in bed.
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Yeah, we were literally in bed and she was on the phone.
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I was like, hey, babe. I was like, I was like, when are
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you gonna throw that pitch away in in our son's closet that you
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cut up? Y'all?
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You should have seen her damn face.
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She was like, you cut that picture up.
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I was like, no, I didn't. I did not cut that picture up.
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You did that. I was like, he's been in the
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closet for years. She's like, you cut that picture
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up and then when you hid it in in our son's closet and it's
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been in there for years. I waited for you to throw it
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away. I was like, no, I didn't, you
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did that. I have no memory of it's like
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you cut that picture off because the police are here.
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You remember the police. I definitely remember the police
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being here, but you cut that, you did that.
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She's like, Nope. She's like, you're not going to
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do this. You're not going to gas like me.
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I'm like, I'm not trying to gas like I'm being dead serious.
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That's why I'm asking you to throw it away.
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If I, if I thought I did, I would throw it away.
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She scrolled back years and she showed me the text messages that
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she was texting her aunt. She was like demons is losing
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his mind. His eyes are black and he's
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cutting up a he's cutting up a picture.
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He's cutting. He took some stages and he's
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cutting up a picture. Her aunt is the one to call the
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police. My wife didn't call the police.
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Her aunt did. I'm like, what the hell?
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I was shocked. I was like, wait, what?
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She's like, yes, you were staring at the picture.
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Then you started humming and whistling.
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Now we're back to the part while I was telling my telling y'all
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about she's like you were staring at the picture, you were
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humming and whistling and then you said you looked at me and
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your eyes were huge and your eyes was black.
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You said I got something for your ass.
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You ran to the kitchen. You grab some scissors and you
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start cutting the picture up on the wall and you took it off the
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wall and you ran away with it and that's when you put it in
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the closet. I was like, what, Yo, I'm
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shocked. I'm like, huh.
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So yeah, I'm like, I remember staring at that picture.
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I remember the police coming. And I said, I remember talking
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to police. And she's like, yeah, when you
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talk to the police, it's like your eyes.
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I watched your eyes change. That's why when you were looking
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at me, I was so shocked. I was like, oh, because like you
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really, you really, you said you were a really good actor in that
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moment because I thought you, you, you, like you really didn't
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know what the hell I was talking about.
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What the why the police were there.
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I like, because I really didn't. I had logged out, like literally
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she's like when the police came, your eyes changed, changed right
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back to normal, like the way they look right now.
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I was like, what? Yeah.
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I was flabbering. My mind was blown.
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Y'all should see that look on her face when I, when I
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accidentally throw that picture away there.
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I wish I I wish I had some little metal ray band glasses.
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I wish I could have recorded her face.
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When I said that, I was like, I was nervous too.
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I was like I said, baby, when are you going to throw that
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picture away that you cut up in this and our son's closet?
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Man, she, she was looking at her phone.
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She was like, you cut that picture.
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I'm like, what y'all? Her face is crazy.
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Her face is what? Her eyes turn black.
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No, but serious, man, I was. I was like, I'm sitting there.
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I'm like, what the hell happened?
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And she told me she's like, yeah, you whistling and humming
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and then you skip it through the house and you grab those
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scissors. You cut that picture up and you
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disappear. I haven't.
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This is like, I saw the picture. I just left it in the closet.
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She's like, I was waiting for you to throw it away whenever
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you were ready. I was sitting there thinking she
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did it. So the picture was sitting there
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and the stalemate, the picture was literally at a stalemate.
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Y'all, it was literally sitting there.
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I was like man, what in the hell?
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I was yeah, I'm, I'm just being real with you.
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I was so shocked that I had did that.
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And so y'all know, I don't remember what happened.
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So I went I asked my therapist. I was like, So what the hell is
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I said, I asked my therapist. I said what the hell is going
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on? I told her about it and my
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therapist is like, oh, what? My therapist, my therapist was
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shocked. She's like you cut it up.
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I was like, apparently I did. She was like, oh, she's like,
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that's that's not, she's like that, that's not good.
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I was like, I know it's not good, but why isn't it good?
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Tell me why. Tell me how how not good that
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is. And she was like, because they
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probably meant you had a psychotic break.
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That's probably a sign of a psychotic break right there.
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That has happened. Like when you are not getting
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your needs met in one way or another, like when your needs
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are not, when your needs are not being met in one way or another,
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your body, your mind can shut down and you can have you can
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snap. Especially when you have a
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personality disorder like mine. Something in you can make it
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something in you can make it set.
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It can take a different path in your mind.
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The narcissism, the narcissistic part of you can and will take
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over. It will take over it.
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It that's that's your mind's last mode of protection right
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there is to literally snap and go dark.
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That's why you have no memory of what happened.
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That's why you don't remember cutting that picture up.
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I put it in the closet because you didn't do it.
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Technically you did it. Your body did it, but your mind
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didn't do it. You were not your mind.
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Your human mind was not present for when it actually happened.
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I was like, man, what in the hell?
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And there was like literally one of those situations that like
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literally blew my mind. I was like, how the hell do I
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not remember that? And she's like, that's why going
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forward, communication is so important on your healing
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journey, on your growth journey, you have to learn how to
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communicate better because if you don't, your mind will shut
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down. Like the possibility exists that
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your mind will shut down and you might do something that you
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can't go back from. You can't come back from.
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I was like, oh, I don't want to become, you know, like I'm alive
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or hurt somebody or beat somebody.
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I was like, hell no. So that's one of the main
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reasons y'all why I work so hard in therapy.
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That's one of the main reasons that I go so hard at what I do
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and how I go about it because I don't want that to happen.
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So if I'm getting angry, I communicate, right?
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If something that's bothering me with my my wife, my kids or
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something like that, I feel like there's a something holding us
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up, I communicate it because I know if I don't what the other
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side of it is, if I don't communicate, I could snap.
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I don't want to snap, right? Hell no.
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I would. I would rather us have this
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conversation right now and be able to talk rather than this go
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haywire and this go to hell because that that's what ends up
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happening to so many people. Like, learn how to talk, learn
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how to communicate, or you going to end up like me in that
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situation. That situation could have been
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so yeah, that situation could have went so much worse.
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And I'm so glad I did. I know I hate the fact that I
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had to scare my wife like that, but I did my mind.
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I'm glad I was able to talk to my therapist about it so I can
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prevent that from happening again, right?
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Because the more it happened, the I, I just don't want it to
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happen again. I really truly enjoy my family
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life. I enjoy my freedom, especially
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I, I definitely enjoy my freedom.
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You know what I mean? Freedom is one of these things
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that I love, I love to have and I don't want to go back on it
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and whatnot because like learn how to communicate.
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If you're a narcissist or somebody who's had a psychotic
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break or eyes have turned black to somebody, say hey, say hey,
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your eyes went black. You need to learn how to
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communicate and you also need to sit your ass down to the
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therapist office before you do something that you can't take
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back. Kind of like kind of like almost
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like me. You see what I'm saying?
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I'm literally almost like me because I almost did something.
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I could have never took him back.
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And that's important right there.
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Yeah. That's one of the important
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things that I'm just so glad that I was able to come back
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from because, like, right, there's a possibility to exist
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that my wife, she didn't have to forgive me.
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She could have just left and never came back, and there would
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have been a valid reason. I'm in there screaming, humming,
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whistling, cutting up pictures, trying to intimidate her.
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Yeah. There's been an absolute valid
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reason to not come back. And would I be angry if she
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wouldn't have came back and left for good?
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Yeah, I'd have been angry, but that would have been on me.
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That would absolutely, 100% have been my fault and there's
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nothing I can say. I was like, yeah, that's on me.
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That's absolutely my fault. Yeah, I threw that picture away.
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That's I'm looking down. I'm I threw that picture away.
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I was trying to find it real quick, but on that movie, had to
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find that God take so many pictures and stuff like that in
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my family. But I took a I took a picture of
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that of that that cut up thing before I threw it away just to
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have that memory so I don't do it again.
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It's like having a memory to mentally check in and whatnot.
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Like I took a picture of this just so I don't have to, you
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know, forget it. Like just so this is always in
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the front of my mind. So if in case I'd never forget
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again, you ain't like you won't forget this because you always
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have a picture of it. I have thousands of pictures,
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y'all. But anyway, y'all, y'all like
15:04
these story times, just like just give me some ideas about
15:07
different different things and sometimes they they make they
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make me remember a story. There's something that's
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happening similar in my life, y'all.
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Anyways, hit the subscribe button, y'all.
15:16
You want to book a one-on-one call or take a course mental
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illness.net for all things Lee Hammond.
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Also, y'all look, I offered a new service.
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Now I do like these kind of cameo things where you if you go
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to my website and go to do one on ones with Lee, you Scroll
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down a little bit. I have like a a service where
15:32
you can send your story in. I will.
15:34
I will do your story in a private video.
15:36
It's like a private YouTube video just for you like private
15:39
just for you. Nobody else will see it.
15:41
It's private. Don't use your name.
15:43
Just check that out as well. Yeah, peace.