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The Secret of Repairing Ruptures: Second Level Communication · Trauma Free Relationship

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  So here's something I see all the time in my practice.
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  Couples will come in either for their first session or for any
• 0:09
  subsequent sessions they have, and they'll want to tell me
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  about an argument or a rupture they had during the week.
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  And as they start to get into what happened, invariably one
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  partner's version of events differs greatly from the other
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  partners. And then they want to get right
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  back into the same argument, because they want to tell me
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  about who said what to whom and in what order.
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  And in doing so, their version of the events are quite
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  different, and they begin to debate whose version is correct.
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  And in debating that, what they're trying to do is
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  determine who has the better memory and who has the better
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  perception of what really unfolded in that rupture.
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  And this is something, as I said, I see all the time in my
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  couples. Heck, I do it in my own
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  relationship at times. And really what happens is it
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  doesn't get the partners, the couples, it doesn't get my wife
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  and I very close at all to repairing a rupture That
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  happens. And when ruptures happen in a
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  relationship, really both partners want to get back to a
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  place of connection. However, one of the things that
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  blocks them, that blocks me, maybe it blocks you too, That I
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  see, as I said in my practice, is that they want to recount the
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  event over and over to determine who has a better memory of that
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  event. And really, this doesn't get the
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  couple very far at all. And being able to repair that
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  rupture and being able to understand what happened, why it
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  happened, and understanding each other at a deeper level, it
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  really stops growth. It stunts growth in the couple.
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  On one level I get this. I understand because we all need
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  to have our version of reality validated.
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  We only know who we are by our experiences with others.
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  Because other people have validated us, we have been
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  reflected in others eyes. That's how we built a sense of
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  self in the 1st place. So I'm not Pollyannish enough to
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  say that that it's not necessary to have our version of reality
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  validated, because I do think on some level it is.
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  But at the same time, what really bogs couples down, what
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  keeps them stuck, is when they hold so tightly to their version
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  of reality that they can't make any room for another version
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  that might have occurred for anybody else's perception of
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  what might have happened. They get so locked in their own
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  perception. We all want to be validated for
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  our feelings and our perceptions of the event.
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  And that kind of validation, again, it creates more of a
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  cohesive sense of self. When we can be validated for the
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  way we see things for our feelings, then we feel less
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  crazy. We feel more in touch with
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  reality. It it creates a more cohesive
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  sense of self. This is the whole piece behind
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  gaslighting, right? Gaslighting is a toxic defense
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  mechanism where one person is trying to convince another
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  person that their version of reality is either consistently
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  skewed or unreal. And if that goes on for too
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  long, I've certainly seen it in my practice.
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  Maybe you've experienced it in your own life.
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  It it can, it can create a fragmentation in our sense of
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  self, unlike cohesion, which we can hold ourselves together by a
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  sense of validation of what we think, feel and believe through
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  others. When we've been gaslighted is
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  just the opposite. We become more fragmented, more
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  undone, more unhinged, if you will, because our version of
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  what we truly believe doesn't match what other people are
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  saying. So when our partners make us
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  feel like our experience is foreign or wrong, then we begin
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  to question ourselves. And so validation is very
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  important on some level, but we can't hold so tightly to our own
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  experience of what's happening that we lose any empathy for
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  other people's experience. And this is where I see empathy
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  playing such a huge role in in partnerships, in relationships,
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  in marriages. Because it's only through
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  empathy that we can begin to truly understand other people's
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  perceptions of what might have happened.
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  It's only through empathy that we can begin to understand and
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  make room for other perceptions. So today isn't really about
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  different perceptions. What today is about is how might
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  we as couples and and partners in relationships break out of
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  this this deadlock that we get into when we start arguing with
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  our partners about whose version of reality is correct.
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  And what I call this is, is second level communication
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  versus first level communication.
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  So talking about the rupture at the level of the event is what I
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  would call the first level of communication.
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  And we're going to talk about how to break out of that by
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  talking at a second level of communication.
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  I'll explain all that in detailed in just a few minutes.
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  Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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  Relationship, the podcast that provides support and guidance to
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  help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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  Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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  issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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  current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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  scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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  to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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  partner. And here's your host, Tom
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  Phillip. OK, So what we're talking about
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  here is two different levels of communication in our
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  relationships for your marriages, for you and your
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  partner. And as I said, what happens is
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  couples often times get locked in these silos of their own
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  experience of an event, and it's very difficult for them to try
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  to make room for any other interpretations of it.
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  And so we can talk about what happened.
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  We could talk about ruptures in our relationships on two
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  different levels. The first level is the level of
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  the event. So what happened?
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  Who said what to whom and in what order?
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  This is how I often refer to level one.
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  It usually doesn't work well for partners and couples when they
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  try to discuss the event at this level because what ends up
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  happening is they both get defensive and their perception
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  of the event is skewed anyways. Each person thinks they have a
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  valid perception of the event when really what is happening is
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  their perception was narrowed by the strong emotion that they
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  were feeling. That's part of what
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  neuroscientists taught us is that when we are flooded, when
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  our heart rate increases to 100 beats per minute, then the
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  neurons tend to fire much more excessively in the amygdala area
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  of our brain, which is a midbrain structure, and that is
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  where our emotions are housed. That is closely related to the
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  the the fight or flight systems that create are created in our
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  brain stem. So all that's firing together
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  and what happens is, is the prefrontal cortex, the area
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  right behind our forehead. It's sort of drains of blood and
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  we don't have as much firing going on there.
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  So everything is being filtered through this strong emotion and
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  we use it as a lens in which we view the event.
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  This is why witness testimonies in in trials as we have learned
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  more and more are often times very unreliable because we
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  simply don't have a a a didactic or complete memory of events as
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  they unfolded. Sometimes we add things to the
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  event, sometimes we take it away.
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  And we do that because all events are filtered through our
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  perceptions. They're filtered through our
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  feelings and our thoughts, and especially thoughts that we've
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  already had these templates. We use things that we already
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  know we superimpose on these situations because that is the
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  most economical way for us to assimilate new information is to
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  integrate it into what we already know.
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  So all this is happening inside of us, all this is happening
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  outside of our awareness. And as I said, it tends to skew
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  the events. So this produces more defensive
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  cycles in couples as we then try to debate at a level one about
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  what happened. And So what the couple needs to
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  do is they need to learn how to communicate ruptures and events
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  at what I call level 2 or a second level, which means they
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  need to communicate about their thoughts, feelings, and their
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  perceptions of the event, not the event itself.
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  Let me rephrase that, because this is something that I think
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  happens daily in my work with couples, is they need to learn
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  how to communicate about what happened through their thoughts,
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  feelings, and perceptions of the event, not the event itself.
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  Discussing the event itself is a level one communication.
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  Discussing your thoughts, feelings and perceptions is
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  level 2. So communicating at level 2
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  usually produces much better results for the couple and
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  produces better repair attempts as well as emotional growth for
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  the couple as well. So what does level 2 look like?
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  Well, let me kind of script out a couple of things about what it
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  might sound like if we're communicating at a level 2 as
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  opposed to a level 1. So first of all, we might
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  communicate our thoughts. This is, this is a thought of
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  level one versus a thought of level 2 Level one.
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  I know what you meant by that. You can't convince me otherwise.
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  When you said this, you did it because you were trying to hurt
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  my feelings. You knew that would push my
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  buttons and you were trying to hurt me in that moment.
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  That's disgusting it At level one, Level 2, when you use that
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  tone, I feel like I and I think I'm often in trouble and I want
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  to pull away and I want to go hide in a hole somewhere because
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  I don't like feeling like I'm in trouble with you.
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  And so that tone often makes me think I'm in trouble.
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  Hear the difference. Level one, you're saying that
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  you know what the motivation of your partner was, and you're
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  accusing them of that motivation and trying to hurt you.
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  Level 2 is telling you what your thoughts are when they use that
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  particular tone. All right, What about from a
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  feelings perspective? What might you say from a level
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  one versus a level 2? So feelings of level one.
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  I get so angry when you use that tone because I know that you're
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  trying to talk down to me and you know it's a trigger for me
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  and you're only doing it to hurt me.
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  And you say that every single time.
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  It always comes up. Notice I'm using always the
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  extremes of conversations that we never should use.
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  Always and never. Nobody does everything.
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  Always and never. But we tend to throw it out in
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  the heat of the moment, don't we?
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  So you always use that tone with me and you know, it drives me
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  nuts. And I just, it's it just makes
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  me crazy. So that's feelings from a level
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  one perspective. What about a level 2 perspective
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  might sound something like this? When you use that tone, I feel
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  talked down to like I'm a child and it really makes me feel
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  ashamed, like I'm a bad person. Again, you're talking about it
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  from a Level 2. So you're describing what's
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  happening inside of you from a thought and a feeling
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  perspective. You're not focusing on what the
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  person did, you're focusing on the impact it had on you.
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  And I'm going to say that again because that's another little
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  nugget here that I say to my couples often.
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  Can you say that? I might say to one of my
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  partners, can you say that by focusing on the impact it had on
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  you, not so much what they did or said?
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  And so it really causes them to stop sometimes and to shift and
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  to have to rethink. Oh, wait a minute.
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  You want me to speak for my own thoughts and feelings and
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  perspectives, not focus on their behavior, not focus on the thing
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  that triggered me? That's correct.
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  I'm asking you to speak from the impact, not speak from what they
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  did that caused, that caused the trigger.
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  So here's a third one. What about level of perception?
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  Now, I've kind of gotten to some of these a little bit with the
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  thoughts and feelings, but what would a level of perception be
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  like if we were to speak to that with our partner from a level
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  one versus a level 2? So perception from a level one
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  might sound like this. I know that you are trying to
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  hurt me when you say that. And when you do that, it makes
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  me just want to think I can't do this anymore in our
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  relationship. You're driving me crazy.
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  I know what happened. You can't convince me otherwise.
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  I'm 100% right and you'll never prove me wrong.
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  That's level 1A. Level 2 perception might sound
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  like this. When you use that tone, I feel
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  like I'm being scolded by my mother and we both know what my
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  mother was like. So I go back to this place where
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  I can't get away from these feelings of a crazy woman who
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  never wanted to understand me or listen to my side of the story.
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  And it it sends me this place where I feel like I'm scolded
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  like a child and it makes me just want to shut down.
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  And I feel like a bad person and I would just want to hide in a
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  hole and I want to move away from you.
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  I just want to get as far away as possible.
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  That's what happens to me when I hear this, when I hear that
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  tone. So this is kind of an example of
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  what does it sound like if we if we were able to move from a
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  Level 1 communication with our partner about an event versus a
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  Level 2 communication, Level 2 is deeper.
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  Level 2 gets us much closer to repair.
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  Level 2 is less defensive. Level 2 is focused more on our
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  thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the event and not
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  on what our partner did that might have caused the trigger.
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  I really believe that in being able to move from a Level 1 to a
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  Level 2 communication for couples that you're going to get
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  much closer. To being able to hear your
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  partner, to being able to use empathy to step into your
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  partner's shoes, To being able to expand your perception of the
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  event so that you can add a whole nother perception, not
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  just yours, but your partner's perception of what really
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  happened as well. And this often times gets us
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  much closer, much faster to making better repair attempts.
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  So in your next rupture you have with the inner partner, and
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  again, I want to emphasize that there will be another rupture,
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  and that's OK because ruptures are a normal and healthy part of
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  all relationships. We shouldn't fear conflict.
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  We shouldn't fear ruptures, because when we make the repairs
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  to those ruptures, then we deepen our understanding of
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  ourselves, we deepen our understanding of our partner,
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  and we begin to grow together in our relationship.
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  And by using Level 2 communication, that's a useful
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  tool to get you to growing faster, deeper and better with
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  your partner. Hey, I want to thank you again
• 17:44
  for listening and tuning in. We've got people from all over
• 17:47
  the world being listening to this podcast and I I just can't
• 17:51
  thank you enough. Please respond.
• 17:53
  Let us know what you like, what you don't like.
• 17:56
  I'd love to even be able to create a podcast in the future
• 18:00
  and be able to answer some of those burning questions you guys
• 18:03
  have. So feel free to respond.
• 18:05
  Let us know what you like, what you don't like, what you want to
• 18:08
  hear more of and until then, thank you so much and we'll talk
• 18:12
  to you next time. Thank you for listening to
• 18:17
  Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
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  attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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• 18:27
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