Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #213 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#213 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, when the kids blow it, you can be kind
0:12
Speaker 2: and compassionate and let them know how hard it is.
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Speaker 2: But ultimately, if they've made a mistake, they need to
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Speaker 2: fix it.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:21
Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 3: Hello.
0:22
Speaker 2: We are doctor Justin Coulson and Kylie Coulson. I've got
0:25
Speaker 2: a PhD in psychology and I've written six books about
0:27
Speaker 2: Happy Families. And Kylie my wife, mum to our six daughters,
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Speaker 2: married Tommy for We're about to celebrate an anniversary in
0:34
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks. Twenty three years Best, twenty three
0:37
Speaker 2: years more. Thank you Annie. That's great.
0:40
Speaker 4: Hey.
0:40
Speaker 2: We love getting your ratings and reviews via whatever app
0:43
Speaker 2: you're listening to the podcast on. We received one from
0:47
Speaker 2: APJ five star review.
0:50
Speaker 4: Real and Practical Advice. Doctor Justin and Kylie share their
0:54
Speaker 4: experiences in the parenting whirlwind and provide helpful, practical and
0:58
Speaker 4: real advice that you can use and everyday situations. They
1:02
Speaker 4: tackle the tougher times of parenting in a kind, understanding way.
1:05
Speaker 4: I love that I can share the podcast tips with
1:07
Speaker 4: my hubby so we can be on the same page.
1:09
Speaker 3: I love that I do too.
1:12
Speaker 4: Since discovering the podcast about six months ago, we have
1:16
Speaker 4: seen a happier, calmer home with our kids. I love that.
1:20
Speaker 4: I especially love that I'll Do Better Tomorrow podcasts, as
1:24
Speaker 4: it helps me reflect on our week as well as
1:26
Speaker 4: a family. Inevitably, there is always something we can do
1:29
Speaker 4: better at, and then the following week we can see
1:32
Speaker 4: that we've done better. Thanks so much for the review, APJ.
1:36
Speaker 4: We love Fridays as well, and so today.
1:39
Speaker 2: I'll do it tomorrow tomorrow. So for those of you
1:41
Speaker 2: who and you who have not heard I'll Do Better
1:43
Speaker 2: Tomorrow and don't understand why APJ gave us a five
1:45
Speaker 2: star review for I'll Do Better Tomorrow. Basically, Fridays or
1:49
Speaker 2: a day where we look back on the week that's
1:50
Speaker 2: been and try to tease a part the stuff that
1:53
Speaker 2: we've learned, the insights that we've had so that we
1:55
Speaker 2: can be better at parents tomorrow. Sometimes we'll celebrate our successes.
1:58
Speaker 2: Other times we're going to acknowledge that we blow it
2:00
Speaker 2: because we do not make any claims to perfection in parenting.
2:04
Speaker 2: And I reckon, I reckon that this is one of
2:07
Speaker 2: our favorite episodes each week as well, because that review
2:10
Speaker 2: helps us to set an intention, it helps us to
2:12
Speaker 2: be better parents.
2:14
Speaker 4: Well, who's going to go first today?
2:15
Speaker 2: I think you should.
2:17
Speaker 4: Well, I had a first this week in the parenting world.
2:21
Speaker 2: We did well.
2:22
Speaker 3: We did our family did.
2:24
Speaker 4: We have never in the twenty two years we've been parents,
2:27
Speaker 4: we have never had to call an ambulance.
2:30
Speaker 2: Which is a good thing. Is a good thing, although
2:32
Speaker 2: there's probably a few times when we could have, but
2:34
Speaker 2: we just decided not to. Yeah.
2:36
Speaker 4: So today, this is why I'm going to actually share
2:38
Speaker 4: this experience because it was a really big learning experience
2:41
Speaker 4: for me as a mum.
2:43
Speaker 3: I look at ambulance and.
2:45
Speaker 4: Paramedics and all of that as being that they deal
2:48
Speaker 4: with the life threatening stuff.
2:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, you do not dial triple O unless your life
2:53
Speaker 2: is in the balance. Yeah.
2:54
Speaker 4: And so I've had lots of experiences with our children
2:57
Speaker 4: where I've been a little bit out of my comfort zone.
3:00
Speaker 4: There is no thought in my mind that I should
3:01
Speaker 4: call an ambulance. But this weekend we had one of
3:04
Speaker 4: our children who had a gastrobarg It was not nice
3:08
Speaker 4: and I'll spare you all the details, but we got
3:12
Speaker 4: to a point where we were just really out of
3:15
Speaker 4: our depths, and after a number of episodes, realized that
3:18
Speaker 4: we probably needed some help.
3:20
Speaker 2: Okay, so so just a little bit of context, because
3:22
Speaker 2: I think we need to color this in just a
3:24
Speaker 2: little more. This particular child was very, very very sick,
3:27
Speaker 2: woke up in the middle of the night and fainted
3:30
Speaker 2: and was out cold.
3:32
Speaker 3: We were about five minutes.
3:33
Speaker 2: For a good five minutes, we could not wake her up,
3:36
Speaker 2: but eventually we did get he woken up, and it
3:38
Speaker 2: wasn't that she was asleep, she had passed out because
3:41
Speaker 2: of her illness. But we got her back to bed
3:43
Speaker 2: and got everything cleaned up and all the drama associated
3:46
Speaker 2: with that. And then early in the morning, once again,
3:49
Speaker 2: she passed out for somewhere between five and ten minutes,
3:52
Speaker 2: just absolutely gone. Couldn't wake her up, with watersh and color. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: like looked like she was dying. But once again we
4:00
Speaker 2: knew that she she just had a barg and we're like, well, well,
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Speaker 2: we could take her to the hospital, but let's just
4:05
Speaker 2: get her back into bed and get arresting. She's got
4:07
Speaker 2: a pole, she's breathing, Everything's going to be fine.
4:09
Speaker 4: You know, when you have those kind of bugs you
4:10
Speaker 4: kind of have, you know, a pretty massive episode, and
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Speaker 4: you seem to kind of pass through it, and so
4:15
Speaker 4: it passes through your And so in my mind, having
4:21
Speaker 4: been that person, she actually has this from me.
4:24
Speaker 3: This is my gene.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, because you used to faint when you were a kid,
4:27
Speaker 2: you don't.
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Speaker 3: You know, It's funny.
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Speaker 4: We've got six children, she's the only one who's fainted.
4:31
Speaker 2: Yeah. And then and then about like an hour later,
4:34
Speaker 2: it happened again. So she'd had three, or maybe maybe
4:36
Speaker 2: it was in four fainting spells, each of them at
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Speaker 2: least five minutes.
4:40
Speaker 4: And and so so I tried to ring the out
4:42
Speaker 4: of hours doctor, but he didn't get back to me.
4:45
Speaker 4: Was right on kind of, I guess change over shifts,
4:47
Speaker 4: and so I didn't actually hear back from him. And
4:49
Speaker 4: so when it happened the fourth time, I just went,
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Speaker 4: I really need to talk to someone.
4:54
Speaker 2: So again you're hassling me saying we got to put
4:56
Speaker 2: her in the car, we got to get to the doctors.
4:58
Speaker 2: And I'm like, we actually, because it's one of the
5:00
Speaker 2: bigger kids, I couldn't really get her to the car.
5:03
Speaker 2: And even if I did, she was probably going to
5:04
Speaker 2: pass out in the car. Because every time she stood up,
5:07
Speaker 2: this is what was happening.
5:08
Speaker 4: So I called the doctor's surgery. When they finally opened
5:11
Speaker 4: their doors, explained what was going on, and they just said,
5:13
Speaker 4: call an ambulance. And I said, look, she's fine, she's
5:16
Speaker 4: not going to die.
5:17
Speaker 2: I just got a bug.
5:18
Speaker 4: She DIDs fainting, but I just don't feel comfortable moving her,
5:21
Speaker 4: and they just they were adamant that I needed to
5:23
Speaker 4: call an ambulance. So I called the ambulance and I
5:25
Speaker 4: even when they picked up, I just said, look, I
5:27
Speaker 4: don't know if I've rung the right number.
5:28
Speaker 2: And I didn't want you to call triple. I was like,
5:29
Speaker 2: surely there's like an ambulance phone number that we can
5:32
Speaker 2: call for the you know, non life threatening emergencies. But
5:35
Speaker 2: we called True and.
5:36
Speaker 4: So I rang, and the lady on the other end
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Speaker 4: she was so wonderful. She asked me all of the
5:39
Speaker 4: triage questions, and she just made me feel so at
5:42
Speaker 4: ease that number one I had done the right thing,
5:45
Speaker 4: that I wasn't that parent who was overreacting to the situation,
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Speaker 4: and that somebody would be there to help me soon.
5:50
Speaker 4: Well I didn't realize soon meant three minutes.
5:52
Speaker 2: Later yeah, in no time, were.
5:55
Speaker 3: There in an instant.
5:56
Speaker 4: And when I talked to the guy at the other end,
5:58
Speaker 4: which is why I wanted to share this today, I
6:00
Speaker 4: just said, you know, I've had six children, and I
6:03
Speaker 4: have been lots of scary situations, but I have never
6:05
Speaker 4: in a million years thought to ring an ambulance because
6:08
Speaker 4: I see you guys as being the ones who, you know,
6:11
Speaker 4: come to help those people who are literally out there last,
6:14
Speaker 4: you know, on their last legs. And I said, I
6:17
Speaker 4: would hate to think that I'm taking you away from
6:19
Speaker 4: someone else that really really needs your help. And he
6:21
Speaker 4: just said to me, he said, you one hundred percent
6:23
Speaker 4: did the right thing. First of all, they had marked
6:25
Speaker 4: our daughter as a category to which means not life
6:28
Speaker 4: threatening but instant immediate action required. And so when he
6:33
Speaker 4: talked me through the process, he just said to me,
6:35
Speaker 4: and this is the advice I want to share with
6:36
Speaker 4: everybody today, that if you find yourself in a position
6:40
Speaker 4: where you are not comfortable, literally if it takes you
6:44
Speaker 4: out of your comfort zone, then you call them because
6:47
Speaker 4: you actually go through the triage questions on the phone.
6:51
Speaker 4: So if at any time you call an ambulance and
6:54
Speaker 4: they're actually not needed, they'll work through that process with
6:57
Speaker 4: you on the phone, and they'll give you the information
6:59
Speaker 4: you need, or they'll pass you on to your medical center,
7:03
Speaker 4: or otherwise an ambulance will arrive. And so it was
7:06
Speaker 4: a really big learning experience for me as a mum,
7:10
Speaker 4: first of all, to recognize that there is actually support
7:13
Speaker 4: there to help me in those times when I do
7:16
Speaker 4: feel an out of quicksis. I think as mums, we
7:18
Speaker 4: often feel parents in general, we feel like we've got
7:20
Speaker 4: to have all the answers and we just don't. And
7:23
Speaker 4: so I was so grateful for the compassion and support
7:27
Speaker 4: of the ambulance community who came to our aid on
7:32
Speaker 4: Saturday for not a life threatening situation, but one that
7:36
Speaker 4: was really quite scary for our family.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, really important insight, not the way recommending that everyone
7:40
Speaker 2: suddenly start calling me Ambo please start for everything, but
7:43
Speaker 2: just the fact that they've got a system in place
7:45
Speaker 2: so that they can work out how badly that ambulance
7:48
Speaker 2: needs to get to you, or if you should just
7:49
Speaker 2: pop down to the local hospital or the local doctor
7:51
Speaker 2: or whatever it is. The Other thing that really struck
7:53
Speaker 2: me about that story is, you know, I'm the dad
7:56
Speaker 2: that says I don't worry. You'll be right. And I've
7:58
Speaker 2: said that so many times to the kids over there's
8:00
Speaker 2: probably four or five instances that I can think of
8:02
Speaker 2: or I've been like, you'll be right, and they haven't been.
8:05
Speaker 2: And I think that it's a really important reminder for
8:07
Speaker 2: dads to recognize that when someone says that they're crook,
8:11
Speaker 2: just because you're not feeling crooked like they are, doesn't
8:13
Speaker 2: mean that they're not sick and that they don't need help.
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Speaker 1: You know.
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Speaker 4: The other thing that really stood out to me was
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Speaker 4: they ended up taking her to the hospital because she
8:19
Speaker 4: was so badly dehydrated and needed to have a drip.
8:24
Speaker 4: And the difference between when she left our home and
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Speaker 4: when we were able to be with her in the
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Speaker 4: hospital was chalk and cheese. She just came to life
8:36
Speaker 4: after that bag of saleine.
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Speaker 2: It's amazing what a little bit of drugs will do
8:39
Speaker 2: for you.
8:40
Speaker 4: And the funny thing is, though, as a mum, I
8:42
Speaker 4: would have kept her at home and I would have
8:43
Speaker 4: nursed her and she would have finally got back to,
8:46
Speaker 4: you know, the right state, but it would have taken
8:48
Speaker 4: me days to get her there. And yet having the
8:50
Speaker 4: right treatment meant that she was able to kind of
8:52
Speaker 4: jump back up and feel much better very quickly.
8:56
Speaker 2: Well, I've got an i'll do better tomorrow that I'm
8:58
Speaker 2: going to share in just a.
8:59
Speaker 1: Sec Happy Families Podcast For.
9:02
Speaker 4: A happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because a
9:06
Speaker 4: happy family doesn't just happen.
9:08
Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
9:11
Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for a time
9:14
Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we
9:17
Speaker 4: are sharing our parenting insights from this week just gone, justin.
9:21
Speaker 3: What have you got to share with us today?
9:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, your mine's not nearly as dramatic as yours, but
9:24
Speaker 2: I think that it's a really great parenting tip or
9:26
Speaker 2: a really important insight. With six kids, we've replaced a
9:30
Speaker 2: lot of stuff. You know, children lose things.
9:33
Speaker 3: School hats, got lunch boxes, jumpers, jump bags.
9:37
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know what else we've replaced, but
9:39
Speaker 2: over the years we've replaced sitch stuff, and as the
9:42
Speaker 2: children are getting older, I've kind of just thought, no,
9:45
Speaker 2: I'm done with that. And so recently our thirteen year
9:48
Speaker 2: old lost her swimming bag. So we've got the kids
9:51
Speaker 2: in swimming squad because we want them to be swimming
9:53
Speaker 2: well because we've got a pool and we lived, you know,
9:55
Speaker 2: we attend the beach regularly. And she lost a swimming bag,
10:00
Speaker 2: was flippers, it was goggles, that was a snorkly thing
10:02
Speaker 2: that they have to have, the pool boy, big boy.
10:05
Speaker 3: It was all in there, and she said, what that
10:08
Speaker 3: was brand new set.
10:10
Speaker 4: So I had brought her a brand new set during
10:12
Speaker 4: the day that she was then going to be swimming,
10:16
Speaker 4: so there had been nothing had been marked, and I
10:18
Speaker 4: didn't realize that she was planning on leaving the swimming
10:21
Speaker 4: bag with the rest of her squad's stuff.
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Speaker 3: They do every day.
10:25
Speaker 2: You're not going to take the bag home, You're just
10:26
Speaker 2: going to leave it because that's what teenagers do.
10:28
Speaker 3: Right without any name on it. Somebody has said you beauty.
10:32
Speaker 2: So she's lost it and she needed to have it replaced,
10:35
Speaker 2: and it was two hundred bucks worth and I just
10:37
Speaker 2: said to her, I'm not.
10:38
Speaker 4: Paying that's going to hurt.
10:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, So she took me to the swimming shop and
10:44
Speaker 2: we bought all of the gear and it cost I
10:45
Speaker 2: think it was one hundred and ninety odd dollars or
10:47
Speaker 2: something like that, and I said, well, how are you
10:48
Speaker 2: going to pay this back, kiddo? And she said, well,
10:51
Speaker 2: you already owe me for some chores, and we worked
10:53
Speaker 2: out while I owed her and there was a bit
10:54
Speaker 2: of money there and she said, and I've got that job.
10:57
Speaker 2: So she's a bit entrepreneurial. She's pretty on finding unique
11:01
Speaker 2: well not even unique, just any way to earn money.
11:03
Speaker 2: And one of our neighbors is selling their house. They've
11:05
Speaker 2: moved out, and so she mows the lawn. She's negotiated
11:09
Speaker 2: a fifty dollars a week fee for mowing the lawn.
11:11
Speaker 2: Who pays that And within a very very short time
11:16
Speaker 2: she's going to have this thing paid off. And it's
11:18
Speaker 2: not even bothered her. She's like, yeah, that's cool. I'll
11:19
Speaker 2: pay for it and I can go without some money
11:21
Speaker 2: for a few weeks so I can get this done.
11:23
Speaker 2: But she's looking after the new swimming gear a whole
11:26
Speaker 2: lot better. The first thing she did was say, Mum,
11:28
Speaker 2: can you please put my name on all of this,
11:32
Speaker 2: I'm not going to go through this again?
11:34
Speaker 3: And I just thought, and she's not leaving it. It
11:37
Speaker 3: swims quite any worry either.
11:38
Speaker 2: No, she's bringing it home. Yeah, so I mean it's
11:40
Speaker 2: only just happened, but she brings it home after every recession, now,
11:42
Speaker 2: and I thought, this is we've got to stop protecting
11:45
Speaker 2: our kids from the consequences of their choices. If they
11:48
Speaker 2: do something and there's a consequence to it, I'm not
11:51
Speaker 2: going to impose a consequence. But it's not my responsibility
11:54
Speaker 2: for a thirteen Now, if it was a six year old,
11:56
Speaker 2: I'd be a lot more charitable, a lot more compassionate.
11:59
Speaker 2: I'm not going to make my six year old going
12:01
Speaker 2: mo the neighbors lord to try and pay back stuff
12:04
Speaker 2: that they've lost. But by the time they get to thirteen,
12:07
Speaker 2: I just think, no, you can. You can earn the
12:09
Speaker 2: money back. And wouldn't you know it, A couple of
12:12
Speaker 2: days later, our seventeen year old lost her retainer. So,
12:15
Speaker 2: I mean, you know how much money we've spent on
12:17
Speaker 2: dental stuff over the years, and this particular child didn't
12:20
Speaker 2: want braces. She wanted that new invisible bracer thing called
12:23
Speaker 2: in visial line I think it is. And she lost
12:27
Speaker 2: her retainers. She's almost at the end of the process.
12:29
Speaker 2: She lost the retainers. They're four hundred bucks to replace,
12:32
Speaker 2: and I just said to her, you're up for some cash.
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Speaker 4: She protested a little bit more than a thirteen year old.
12:38
Speaker 2: Well, I can't pay that. I'm like, you've got a
12:40
Speaker 2: job and you can do chores around the house. In fact,
12:43
Speaker 2: she looked at me when we had to pay for
12:44
Speaker 2: it because she didn't have the cash, and I said, well,
12:46
Speaker 2: I'll pay for it, but I need a payment plan.
12:48
Speaker 2: We've got to get this paid off really fast. And
12:50
Speaker 2: she's like, can I pay it off with chaws? And
12:52
Speaker 2: I actually said to her, because she's seventeen, I said, no,
12:54
Speaker 2: this is cash. You owe me the cash. And she
12:57
Speaker 2: was like, oh, but I'll tell you what she's already.
13:00
Speaker 2: It's only been twenty four hours, but she is looking
13:03
Speaker 2: after those retainers like she has never looked after them before.
13:06
Speaker 2: Bit of personal responsibility, bit of accountability, bit of ownership.
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Speaker 2: That's my old do better tomorrow. That's my insight for
13:13
Speaker 2: the week. When the kids blow it, you can be
13:16
Speaker 2: kind and compassionate and let them know how hard it is,
13:19
Speaker 2: but ultimately, if they've made a mistake, they need to
13:21
Speaker 2: fix it.
13:22
Speaker 4: Well, hopefully we won't have any more of those blondes
13:24
Speaker 4: in the next few weeks, because it's been an expensive process.
13:28
Speaker 2: Even if we do, I don't care, I'll pay for it.
13:30
Speaker 2: Is that too hard? Most I don't think that's too hard.
13:32
Speaker 2: I think that's totally reasonable.
13:33
Speaker 4: In defense of these two kids, that's been a really
13:37
Speaker 4: big learning curve very quickly. Usually it's a hat for
13:40
Speaker 4: fifteen dollars or a jumper for forty. It needs have
13:43
Speaker 4: been really they're really but.
13:46
Speaker 2: The bottom line, but you know, it's not inflicted by dad.
13:50
Speaker 2: This is just the consequence of you losing stuff. You
13:52
Speaker 2: need to repay it, you need to come up with it,
13:54
Speaker 2: and they're going to be better because of it. I
13:56
Speaker 2: don't We've been warm, we've been kind, we've been understanding,
14:00
Speaker 2: and I think that.
14:00
Speaker 4: That's a really really important part of the process is compassion.
14:03
Speaker 4: They're not going to have four hundred dollars to just
14:05
Speaker 4: hand it over, and so working out a payment plan
14:08
Speaker 4: that the two of you are comfortable with to achieve
14:11
Speaker 4: the outcome that you want.
14:14
Speaker 2: MACS runs. Hey, we really hope that you've enjoyed our
14:17
Speaker 2: Old Do Better Tomorrow today and that the podcast is
14:19
Speaker 2: making a difference in your life. If it is, we'd
14:21
Speaker 2: be so grateful if you'd leave a rating and review
14:23
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14:33
Speaker 2: love those ratings and reviews. They help other people to
14:35
Speaker 2: find out about the podcast and make their families happier.
14:37
Speaker 2: As always, we appreciate our executive producer, Craig Bruce, and
14:40
Speaker 2: the producer of the podcast is just a rule On
14:42
Speaker 2: from Bridge Media. If you would like more information about
14:45
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14:49
Speaker 2: to day, week to week, months to month family happiness
14:52
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Speaker 2: of the information at happy families dot com, dot a
14:58
Speaker 2: yuke
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Speaker 1: A