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The Biggest Mistake People Make When Going No Contact With a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is the number one mistake that people make when they go no
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  contact with a narcissist? That's what we're talking about
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  today, y'all. The number one mistake from my
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  perspective that people make when they go no contact with
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  their narcissist or toxic person in their in their life.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  the Narcissist Code. Let's get it.
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  Welcome back folks. Yes, the number 1111 Uno mistake
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  that I feel that people make when they are trying to leave a
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  narcissist, y'all, and it's going to sound super
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  rudimentary. I already noticed.
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  I get it, I get it, I get it. The number one mistake that
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  people make to me is the number one mistake people make is
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  feeling sorry for the narcissist.
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  And I know using the word mistake seems like it doesn't
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  seem like it fits right here, but I feel like it does.
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  It doesn't seem like it fits to most people.
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  But for me, as someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality
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  disorder, I get why I get why people make this mistake.
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  I get it because you are a human being.
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  You have high, not only are you a human being, you have high
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  levels of emotional empathy, you have compassion, you care about
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  others. You don't want to hurt people.
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  You don't. You don't go around
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  unnecessarily trying to hurt people, trying to hurt other
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  people, trying to ruin their lives, whatever the case may be,
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  right? You don't do that.
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  So when you were trying to move forward and you finally made
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  this, made the decision to go fully no contact with your
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  narcissistic person, it it it can be tough.
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  So you feel bad for them. And I yeah, I get the, I promise
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  you, I get it. This is not me trying to hammer
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  away people. Just be like, you're a horrible
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  person for feeling bad for them. No, it's understandable that you
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  feel sorry for the narcissistic person because yeah, they could
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  have had a bad childhood. That could honestly, that could
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  honestly be true. Not every single narcissist has
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  had a bad childhood, but a lot have, right?
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  So it just like in these spaces, right?
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  When you're dealing with this personality type, understand
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  it's OK to feel sorry for them, but but don't let you feeling
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  sorry for them or you feeling guilty about your decision to go
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  no contact and cut off, you know, cut off access to your
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  life, cut off access to you as a person.
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  Don't let that decision stop. Change your mind.
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  Don't know, don't let that thought change your mind because
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  narcissistic people will absolutely pounce on the
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  opportunity to come back into your life and ruin your life.
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  They absolutely will. They want you to feel sorry for
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  them. They want you to feel bad for
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  the for going no contact with them.
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  They want that with a raw seething passion.
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  They want I I can. I don't think of, I can't think
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  of anything I want more actually than to go no, for you to go no
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  contact with them. I mean for you to break no
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  contact with them or refuse to go no contact with them and give
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  them yet another chance. Give them yet another chance.
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  So I tell people, do my one-on-one coaching, my
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  one-on-one Zoom meetings that I still do at mentalillness.net.
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  It's scrolled across the bottom of the screen.
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  You'll see it or the link is in the description of every video
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  and podcast that I do. I've, you know, from almost 5000
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  people that I've helped over the last four years, right?
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  Understand that this is how the mind works.
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  Like I tell them, make sure that you're ready to go no contact in
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  order to get rid of the guilt or to alleviate the guilt or
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  feeling sorry for this person or feeling bad about yourself or
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  feeling bad about the situation. In order to alleviate those
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  feelings. Make sure that you are ready and
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  done for. Make sure that you are ready to
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  cut ties with this person. Make sure that you make sure
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  that I'm just, I'm just being serious.
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  Make sure that it is actually over and done with because you
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  have to like, I'm not saying that you can't fully go no
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  contact and not feel bad, right? I'm saying you can still feel
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  bad and go no contact. Like the the two things do not
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  have to be mutually exclusive. They can exist in the same
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  space, right? They can absolutely exist in the
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  same space. You can feel sorry for them and
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  also go no contact without without problems for a lot for
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  some people. No, as I said, some people, not
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  everybody can do this. So if you're feeling bad for
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  this person that you feel sorry for them or whatever the case
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  may be, understand that part of your healing journey, part of
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  part of understanding what you've been through, part of
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  understanding what comes next for you is just like making sure
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  that you are ready and done with this person, because that can
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  absolutely be tough. Make sure that you don't have
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  any like you don't need any clothes.
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  Oh God, what's the word right there?
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  Ain't it came like I said that word make sure that you don't
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  need any closure because so many people get caught up in this
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  word closure and they can ruin like closure.
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  Wanting closure from a narcissist can absolutely ruin
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  your life. Wanting closure from a
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  narcissistic person can absolutely ruin your life
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  because like, well, I feel bad because there's so many things I
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  want to say and what if they have some things that they want
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  to say to me too, Lee, what if I, I can't?
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  Should I not feel bad for them? Yo, again, what does closure
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  mean to you? Because I know what it means to
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  me. I know, I know what closure
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  means to me on a personal level, but what does it mean to you?
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  Because closure to me is the disrespectful behaviors, the
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  horrible treatment that they exhibited with you.
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  That's to be, that's closure right there, right?
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  That should be closure. That the way they treated you
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  should be the closure. The way they behave with you
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  should be the closure. The way they acted with you
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  should be the closure. Like we'll leave.
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  What, what, what if they. I just feel like maybe they're
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  misunderstood. Maybe.
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  What if I'm what if I'm wrong, Lee?
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  What if I'm wrong about them? What if you're right?
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  Which one gives you the most power?
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  Which one empowers you the most? What if you're right about them?
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  And every decision that you make going forward, even including
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  the decision to go no contact with them, What if that's the
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  right decision to make? What if this is absolutely the
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  right decision to make? And because you have this fear
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  of feeling sorry for them or or not, or having things that are
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  left unsaid, because you have that fear in you, you don't go
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  no contact. And they guess what happens?
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  That narcissistic person in your life, they used it to their
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  advantage. Come back into your life and try
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  to ruin your whole entire life. Because guess what, if you
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  welcome me back into your life, no matter what I say again, no
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  matter what I say, if you welcome me back into your life,
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  I think that you are OK with everything that I have done to
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  you. Well, Lee, I'm not OK.
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  Yes, you are today narcissists in their minds.
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  Yes, you are OK. And this is not me trying to be
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  harsh. This isn't just trying me trying
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  to let you know how narcissists think.
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  Like if you come back to me after I've treated you horribly,
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  if you break no contact with me, if you cut me off and let me
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  back in your life, I think it's OK, y'all?
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  It's black and white thinking. It's either all good or it's all
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  bad. There is very little or no in
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  between. All good or all bad.
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  Well, Lee, that sound kind of tough.
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  Yeah, it is. It's all good or all bad.
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  It's all good. If you break no contact, then
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  reach out to me. That means I am good, does it
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  not? Because why would you reach out
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  to me? Why are you talking to me?
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  Why are we in contact with each other if you're not OK with what
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  I have done? If I I wouldn't deal with a bad
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  person, I wouldn't deal with someone that I consider to be a
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  bad person. So why would you?
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  This is how they justify their behaviors.
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  This is how they justify their actions to you.
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  They think because you keep coming back to them, because you
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  don't let them go, because you don't release them, they think
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  you're OK with the behaviors. Yes, they might promise to
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  change and promise to do better with Lee.
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  They promised me that they would change this time.
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  How many? Look, ask yourself this question
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  right here. How many opportunities do you
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  have to give this person? How many opportunities do you
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  feel like you have to get you? You do you need?
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  Does this person need to act the right?
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  How many chances? How many chances have you
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  already given them? Well, Lee, what's wrong with one
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  more? One more chance could cost you
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  your life. One more chance.
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  Giving this person one more opportunity could cost you your
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  life. If you're no contact because
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  they've been physically abusive and try to maybe try to take
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  your life that one more breaking no contact could cost you your
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  life. If you have kids, put do like
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  this right here. Think about this right here.
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  If you have kids, imagine a world where your kids grow up
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  without you because you broke no contact and don't leave.
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  That's that's dark. Yeah.
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  This is what I have to tell some people to breakthrough that
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  mental fog, right? I did a one-on-one with Lisa
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  Sunny, stronger than her name is stronger than before.
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  She's an amazing coach, amazing person.
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  She she's helping, she's helped thousands of people to heal from
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  narcissistic abuse over the last few years.
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  She kept breaking no contact. She kept going back into her
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  toxic relationship dynamic. And I told her, I said, Lisa,
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  your husband is going to take your life and your kids are
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  going to grow up without you. You know, from that day forward,
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  because she believed me, because he had, he had put his hands
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  around her throat, he threw up and down some stairs.
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  He had did so much damage to her.
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  You know what happened after that?
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  She stopped talking to him. She stopped dealing with him,
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  even though they had kids. She started talking to way less.
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  She moved out, kicked him out or whatever.
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  And now she's built a thriving, thriving business helping
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  survivors get to the point where she's at right now, where she's
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  engaged to a good person. Whoever I've actually met in
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  real life, I got to meet him in real life.
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  She got engaged to a good person, so she saved her own
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  life by leaving this toxic relationship dynamic.
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  You can save your own life. You can save your own space.
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  This is what y'all. This is what's necessary
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  sometimes right here, y'all. I know it sounds bad.
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  I know it sounds super simplistic sometimes, but it's
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  it's getting it it. You don't want to let you don't
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  want to give your life for this person right here.
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  You don't want to allow this person into your space to come
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  ruin your life and hurt you and harm you in any way just because
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  you love them. Sometimes love ain't enough.
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  You can love people from a distance.
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  You can love them and keep them across the street.
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  Hey, I love you. I got so much love for you, but
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  I got to stay over here. Why can't you do that?
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  You know what I mean? Why can't you do that right
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  there? You can have love for them and
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  still kick them across the street.
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  That's a possibility too, right? You can have absolute love for
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  this person and keep them across the street because you don't
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  want to deal with them anymore. No contact is important.
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  No contact keeps you safe. No contact can help you heal.
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  Well, Lee, I'm just so sad. I, I get, I feel so bad.
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  What are they going to do by themselves?
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  Lee, I've taken, I haven't had to take care of this person for
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  so long. Are there is this person an
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  adult? Yes.
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  Then it might be time to go ahead and dip, dip, dip, dip,
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  dip bike, right. Might be good time to go and go
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  ahead and dip, dip. But they didn't have a good
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  childhood. You're not going to have a good
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  adulthood. What about you?
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  What about you? This is the type of stuff you
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  have to go. This is the type of stuff that
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  you have to literally work through in your mind in order to
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  physically and mentally and emotionally set yourself free
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  from a narcissistic toxic person, from an abusive person,
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  whatever name you want to give them.
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  This is the type of stuff that is necessary in order for you to
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  break fully break free and to survive and to thrive.
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  This is what I'm just, I'm just being dead serious, y'all.
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  The number one mistake that people make when they're when
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  they're when they go in no go in no contact with a narcissist is
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  feeling bad for them and breaking no contact, feeling bad
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  for them and not even starting in no contact feeling sorry for
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  that person. No, we're not feeling sorry.
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  No MO no MO. Anyways, y'all let me cut this
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  thing short. If you don't know my next
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  course, my newest course of finding your why Healing from
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  narcissistic abuse is not available.
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  Everything link is in the description of every video and
• 12:18
  podcast that I do. You can find
• 12:19
  everything@mentalillness.net or courses dot mental illness
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  myname.net see you there. I'm out peace.
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  Before you go make sure that you hit that subscribe button if you
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  haven't already. Y'all you already here just hit
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  the button. Also you can find my coaching my
• 12:36
  courses, my one on ones. Everything is available at my
• 12:38
  website mentalillness.net, kids book, self love journal.
• 12:42
  Also check out joining the channel memberships as well.
• 12:44
  Y'all thank you so much for being here.
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  I'm super grateful I'm out. Peace.