Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #175 Unspoiling The Kids This Christmas

Transcript

#175 Unspoiling The Kids This Christmas · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: My favorite thing about Christmas is actually not receiving. I
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  Speaker 1: just get so much joy out of giving.
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  Speaker 2: It's a Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: Poor parent he Yes Wants Answers Now. Hello.
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  Speaker 3: This is doctor Justin Colson and the author of six
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  Speaker 3: books about raising Happy Families. And I'm here with my
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  Speaker 3: wife and co host missus Happy Families, Kylie, mom to
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  Speaker 3: our six daughters.
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  Speaker 1: Well, tonight you are doing a webinar.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I love doing webinars.
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  Speaker 3: So if you remember, if you Every time I say
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  Speaker 3: if you remember, it's like I'm saying if you remember,
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  Speaker 3: but I'm not saying if you remember. I'm saying if
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  Speaker 3: you're a member of the Happy Families membership. Every single
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  Speaker 3: month we do a webinar, and tonight is our December webinar.
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  Speaker 3: And you know what, I'm just so excited about tonight
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  Speaker 3: because one of the big questions that comes up in
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  Speaker 3: the media at this time every year is how are
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  Speaker 3: we supposed to get the balance ripe with the gift
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  Speaker 3: giving and the kids and the entitlement and the expectations
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  Speaker 3: and all that sort of stuff. So we're talking about
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  Speaker 3: how to unspoil the kids for Christmas. And I've put
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  Speaker 3: so much effort into this webinar. I can't wait to
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  Speaker 3: talk about it because I reckon that's it's a topic
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  Speaker 3: that's really pressing, right.
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  Speaker 2: We want our kids to have the magic of Christmas.
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  Speaker 3: We want them to feel the joy and or the
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  Speaker 3: goodness that Christmas offers, but we don't want.
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  Speaker 2: To over do it.
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  Speaker 3: You know, that whole indulgence thing. It really weighs on parents'
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  Speaker 3: minds at this time.
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  Speaker 2: Of the year.
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  Speaker 1: I have to admit so that at this time of
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  Speaker 1: the year, I am a little bit jealous of families
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  Speaker 1: with only two kids.
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  Speaker 3: Can you imagine how quiet Christmas Morning would be with
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  Speaker 3: two kids?
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  Speaker 1: I don't even worry about Christmas Morning. It's how do
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  Speaker 1: I make sure that six children feel like they're equally
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  Speaker 1: gifted and do it in such a way that I
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  Speaker 1: don't lose my mind in the process because it's so
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  Speaker 1: hard to keep track of it all.
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  Speaker 2: It's actually really interesting.
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  Speaker 3: I've watched you do this over the year, So something
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  Speaker 3: about Kylie and I I'm like, I just don't really
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  Speaker 3: care about gifts.
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  Speaker 2: I don't care or you.
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  Speaker 1: Are literally the hardest person to buy for.
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  Speaker 2: So I don't need anything. I don't want anything.
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  Speaker 3: I literally my perfect Christmas gift is, Hey, here's here's
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  Speaker 3: some money. Let's all go to the cafe and have
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  Speaker 3: a really nice brunch. Obviously not on Christmas Day, because.
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  Speaker 2: That's a lie.
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  Speaker 1: Your favorite gift is a book every year without fail.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, well I like that too, But really it's just
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  Speaker 3: about time with the people that I love, and I
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  Speaker 3: don't care about stuff. But because I don't care about
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  Speaker 3: receiving gifts, I'm really lousy at buying.
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  Speaker 2: Them and giving them.
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  Speaker 3: And so you have, like Kylie will come to me
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  Speaker 3: and say, what should we get the kids for Christmas?
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  Speaker 3: Or what should we get your brother or you know,
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  Speaker 3: the sisters or whoever it is. We've got a large
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  Speaker 3: extended family, and I stare blankly at Kylie, and I'm like,
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  Speaker 3: does anybody really need anything? Like I don't need anything.
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  Speaker 3: Why would anyone else need anything? I'm just not into
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  Speaker 3: the whole Christmas gift giving. And so you carry the burden,
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  Speaker 3: the significant burden of buying for your family and extended family,
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  Speaker 3: which I think totals around about twenty odd people, and
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  Speaker 3: my family and extended family, which probably total is about
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  Speaker 3: forty odd people.
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  Speaker 2: Do we actually buy gifts for that many people. Not anymore.
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  Speaker 2: We've backed off, haven't we.
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  Speaker 1: We have backed off a little bit. The problem is,
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  Speaker 1: I guess that whole opposite attracts thing because I am
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  Speaker 1: a gift giver. Oh oh my goodness, absolutely so. My
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  Speaker 1: favorite thing about Christmas is actually not receiving. I just
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  Speaker 1: get so much joy out of giving.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm with you on that.
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  Speaker 3: What I've found is i've gotten older, is I get
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  Speaker 3: I'm not interested in opening any gifts that people get
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  Speaker 3: for me. I don't care, and I don't say that
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  Speaker 3: in a nasty way, like I'm so grateful that they've
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  Speaker 3: thought of me and wants to do that, But I'm
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  Speaker 3: just not that excited about opening gifts. It's not important
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  Speaker 3: to me because gifts don't interest me that much. But
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  Speaker 3: what I love is the excitement that comes as we
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  Speaker 3: watch somebody picking up the gift that you have taken
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  Speaker 3: so much time to carefully select and thoughtfully personalize so
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  Speaker 3: that it's something for them. I love the anticipation behind
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  Speaker 3: the giving, which is I know what you love as well.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, tonight you're actually going to talk about how
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  Speaker 1: we unspoil kids at Christmas time. It's a pretty interesting topic.
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  Speaker 3: I think yeah, let's talk about that in a sec
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  Speaker 3: But before we do that, I reckon, just this conversation
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  Speaker 3: has sparked something for me. I reckon, We've got a
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  Speaker 3: couple of Christmas conversations that we've got to have on
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  Speaker 3: the podcast. So in the next few days, let's have
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  Speaker 3: a conversation about whether we should be you know, like,
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  Speaker 3: what is an appropriate amount of gifts for the kids,
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  Speaker 3: whether we should be buying them essentials. Let's talk about
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  Speaker 3: Santa Claus and what Santa should be bringing, what parents
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  Speaker 3: should be bringing. I reckon, there's a whole lot of
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  Speaker 3: really fun Christmas stuff that we can talk about now
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  Speaker 3: that we're in December.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, gosh, Christmas is count the days. Monday the seventh.
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  Speaker 2: I can't do the Mass, but like three.
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  Speaker 3: Weeks away or something like that. It's less than three weeks,
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  Speaker 3: holy smokes. So let's do that over the next few days.
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  Speaker 3: In just a sect though, we'll talk about what's happening
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  Speaker 3: in tonight's webinar. By the way, if you haven't grabbed
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  Speaker 3: tickets for tonight's webinar, they're available at Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 3: com dot au. Just go to the shop and click
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  Speaker 3: on how to unspoil the kids. This Chris, we'll give
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  Speaker 3: you a taster of what's in the webinar tonight in
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  Speaker 3: just a second.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
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  Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
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  Speaker 4: of discipline. There's a webinar to help parents set limits
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
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  Speaker 4: dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast and today we are talking
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  Speaker 1: about how we unspoil the kids at Christmas. You've got
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  Speaker 1: a webinar coming up tonight, and I did have a
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  Speaker 1: sneak peek at your notes just to have a look
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  Speaker 1: at what you are going to talk about, and I'm
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  Speaker 1: actually really impressed.
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  Speaker 2: Cool.
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  Speaker 1: I don't get to watch your webinize usually because I'm.
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  Speaker 2: The one children, yeah at night, trying to put them
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  Speaker 2: on to bed.
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  Speaker 1: But I love number one seeing what Ev does with
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  Speaker 1: your slides because she just does such an amazing job
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  Speaker 1: at the visuals. But the concepts that you're going to
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  Speaker 1: talk about tonight, I think are really important.
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  Speaker 3: So let's do a quick snapshot of a couple of
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  Speaker 3: ideas because obviously we can't go over it all. There's
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  Speaker 3: an hour's worth of content. Let's talk about two things
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  Speaker 3: that I'll discuss tonight.
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  Speaker 2: It just in brief.
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  Speaker 1: So I think the first thing I really want to
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  Speaker 1: touch on with you is perspective. I think that that's
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  Speaker 1: probably going to set the scene for what you're talking
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  Speaker 1: about tonight.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I reckon that when it comes to Christmas, sometimes we
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  Speaker 3: lose all perspective about everything Christmas related. We get so
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  Speaker 3: caught up in and I know this is going to
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  Speaker 3: sound so stereotypical, but we get caught up in the
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  Speaker 3: rush and the busyness and the buying, the gifts, and
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  Speaker 3: the materialism and the commercialization and the you know, like
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  Speaker 3: we actually sometimes think that the whole purpose of Christmas
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  Speaker 3: is indulgence, and well, that's.
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  Speaker 1: What it is, isn't it.
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  Speaker 2: No, it's not. But here's you're so funny. Yes, that's
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  Speaker 2: exactly what it is for some people like you. And
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  Speaker 2: I'm just kidding.
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  Speaker 3: You know what I actually think drives this though, there's
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  Speaker 3: this feeling that hopefully, if we had wonderful childhoods, we
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  Speaker 3: have grown up experiencing what we loosely called the magic
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  Speaker 3: of Christmas.
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  Speaker 2: You know, everyone talks about the.
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  Speaker 3: Magic of Christmas, and as adults, what we think the
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  Speaker 3: magic of Christmas means is lots and lots of presents,
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  Speaker 3: or as my mum says, prasies.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to get preezies for everyone.
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  Speaker 3: We need presies for you and for the grandkids, and
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  Speaker 3: presies and presies.
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  Speaker 2: I hate it when she says prazies. For goodness sakes,
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  Speaker 2: they're not prezies. Anyway.
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  Speaker 3: We get so caught up in that, and it actually
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  Speaker 3: feels like that is the purpose of Christmas.
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  Speaker 1: But if that's not the purpose of Christmas, what is well.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, some people will have a faith background, and
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  Speaker 3: so for them, and that's us as well.
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  Speaker 2: That's absolutely the very core of it.
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  Speaker 3: But even if you don't have a faith background and
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  Speaker 3: you're just trying to recreate the magic of Christmas that
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  Speaker 3: you enjoyed when you were a child, you'll probably recall,
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  Speaker 3: if you reflect carefully, that prezzies was only a very
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  Speaker 3: small part of the magic of Christmas. Yes, there was
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  Speaker 3: excitement about what Santa would bring, and there was delight
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  Speaker 3: and thrill that you could all sit around the Christmas
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  Speaker 3: tree and unpack these preises. But there was something else though,
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  Speaker 3: that was really really magical about Christmas. And here's what
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  Speaker 3: it was. We focused on zero agenda. It was just family.
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  Speaker 3: It was relationships. It was fun, games, humor, music. If
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  Speaker 3: you're lucky enough to have a pool, that was swimming
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  Speaker 3: in the backyard pool with dad, and you know, all
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  Speaker 3: those things that you you don't get on pretty much
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  Speaker 3: any other day of the year. No shops are open,
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  Speaker 3: no one's driving around doing stuff unless you're going to
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  Speaker 3: visit loved ones or they're coming to visit you.
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  Speaker 2: But it's pretty much a day where everyone is so
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  Speaker 2: focused on here.
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  Speaker 1: And now, you know, when I think back to my
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  Speaker 1: childhood and think about the things that I remember so
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  Speaker 1: fondly about Christmas, my great grandparents they actually would put
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  Speaker 1: on a family reunion every Christmas. So we would have
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  Speaker 1: cousins and aunties and uncles like showing up from all
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  Speaker 1: over the place that I hadn't seen all year. And
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  Speaker 1: there were no gifts involved in that process. It was
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  Speaker 1: just about family time and I didn't have the stress
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  Speaker 1: that parents have, you know, as a young kid, the
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  Speaker 1: magic of Christmas was having everybody together, like all my
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  Speaker 1: favorite people in the whole wide world in one space.
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  Speaker 3: So when I talk about, you know, getting that, understanding
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  Speaker 3: the purpose, and taking the long view what we want
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  Speaker 3: the kids to remember twenty years from now, I bet
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  Speaker 3: your boots that they're not going to remember the presents
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  Speaker 3: that were under the tree. They're not going to remember, oh,
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  Speaker 3: do you remember that Christmas where I got that thing?
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  Speaker 3: They just don't remember that. That's not what the man.
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  Speaker 1: Unless it was a pony I read, they.
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  Speaker 2: Probably would remember the pony.
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  Speaker 3: But when we talk about the magic of Christmas, it's
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  Speaker 3: usually it's about the time, it's about the moment, it's
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  Speaker 3: about the relationships, it's about all.
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  Speaker 1: My sister's chocolate moose trifle.
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  Speaker 3: I do like your chocolate moose trifles. If that's one
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  Speaker 3: gift that somebody could give me this Christmas, I'll take
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  Speaker 3: your sister's chocolate moose trifle.
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  Speaker 1: I hope she's listening.
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  Speaker 2: Adele, there's your hint.
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  Speaker 3: Will make sure that you hear this episode.
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  Speaker 1: All right, So we've got perspective now, and you're going
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  Speaker 1: to share three things that we're going to focus on tonight. Now,
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  Speaker 1: we've really talked heavily about family, because that I think
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  Speaker 1: is at the center and the heart of what Christmas is.
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  Speaker 1: For me at least.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's worth just pausing for a moment and
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  Speaker 3: acknowledging that there are many people who don't have the
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  Speaker 3: joy that comes from having a close knit type family
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  Speaker 3: where they get to share that time. And if that
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  Speaker 3: is you, finding people that you have wonderful support and
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  Speaker 3: joy with, people that you can rely on, people who
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  Speaker 3: make up your village, having some kind of engagement with
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  Speaker 3: them is the best that you can hope for. Make
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  Speaker 3: sure that you organize it, make sure it happens. Don't
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  Speaker 3: stay home and be on your lonesome. It's just it's
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  Speaker 3: too important to day.
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  Speaker 1: So the last thing we're going to focus on before
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  Speaker 1: we close up is focusing on others.
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  Speaker 2: Ah.
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  Speaker 3: You know what, we don't have time to talk about
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  Speaker 3: all the amazing things that I want to share here.
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  Speaker 3: There is so much research that highlights and I quote
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  Speaker 3: from Elizabeth Dunn, who is just a beautiful researcher who's
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  Speaker 3: done some great science around the science of giving, volunteering, sharing,
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  Speaker 3: helping others. She says, quote, investing financial and emotional resources
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  Speaker 3: in others is associated with greater happiness than investing in oneself.
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  Speaker 1: And I guess that's why I love the gift giving
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  Speaker 1: because I just I love bringing joy to other people,
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  Speaker 1: and whether it be a homemade treat that my daughters
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  Speaker 1: and I have, you know, cooked in the kitchen, or
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  Speaker 1: whether it be a gift that I have carefully, painstakingly hicked.
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  Speaker 1: As I've been out at the shops and something's jumped
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  Speaker 1: out at me and I've thought about a particular person
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  Speaker 1: that just would love that. There is just so much
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  Speaker 1: joy that fills my heart seeing someone out feel appreciated, valued,
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  Speaker 1: and just noticed.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm going to share a couple of stories that
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: underscore that point in the webinar. I'm going to share
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: that's in the webinar tonight. I'm going to mention one
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: just in brief and I'll expand on it more in
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  Speaker 3: the webinar.
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  Speaker 2: But some years ago, when we.
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  Speaker 3: Lived in a different place at a different time, we
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  Speaker 3: had some neighbors who went through a really acrimonious separation.
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  Speaker 3: A couple of weeks before Christmas, he moved out. She
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  Speaker 3: was at home with the three kids, and I remember
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: watching and we talked about how hard that must be.
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  Speaker 2: She just felt broken.
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  Speaker 3: She's trying to manage full time work and dealing with
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  Speaker 3: the three children and the sadness and the sorrow, and you,
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  Speaker 3: because you've got this remarkable giving heart, you said, well,
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: why don't we do something for them? And so we
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  Speaker 3: put together a hamper. We were university students at the time.
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  Speaker 3: It's not like we had a whole lot of cash,
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  Speaker 3: but we put together what was I thought, an extravagant,
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: amazing hamper.
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  Speaker 2: But they didn't have anything. They were really struggling.
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  Speaker 3: And we went up there and knocked on the door
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  Speaker 3: and said, we know that we were pretty bold about it.
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  Speaker 3: We said, we know that things are really bad for
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  Speaker 3: you at the moment, and that your family's going through
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  Speaker 3: a hard time, and we brought you this Christmas hamper
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  Speaker 3: because we thought that it might just help you to
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: have a merrier Christmas.
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  Speaker 1: Annie and I were just talking about that the other day.
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  Speaker 1: It's something that really stood out to her, is that, right,
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  Speaker 1: she doesn't remember who it was, and she was very
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  Speaker 1: young at the time.
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  Speaker 2: She would have been like five years old or seven
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  Speaker 2: years old.
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  Speaker 1: Time, do you remember that Christmas when we did that,
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  Speaker 1: Like it really has affected her. It's something that she
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  Speaker 1: has actually asked that we do again this year.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: And so when we give to others it actually starts
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: to matter a whole lot less what's underneath our tree.
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  Speaker 3: And so I'm going to be talking about the different
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: ways that we can do that and involve the children
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: to actually make Christmas much more meaningful. You know, we
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: started this conversation by talking about how to make Christmas
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  Speaker 3: matam more I how to focus on that long view,
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  Speaker 3: and I reckon this is actually the heart of Christmas.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: Well, I wish I was able to tune in tonight
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: because I really think that there's going to be some
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: exciting stuff to share. So if you have got time and.
• 14:09
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• 14:13
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• 14:15
  Speaker 3: Tickets for how to Unspoil the Kids for Christmas. If
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: you are a Happy Famili's member, it's already included in
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: your membership. Look forward to seeing you there. Hey, I
• 14:22
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  Speaker 1: Eight