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Why Your Calmness Rattles A Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So why does your calmness rattle a narcissist?
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  Why does you being calm, cool, and collected get on a
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  narcissist's nerves? Why does it make them go crazy
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  sometimes? Why can't they just handle it it
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  when you are calm? That's what we talked about
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  today, y'all. If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist here
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  to help you understand the mind of a narcissist.
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  And welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  Boom. Welcome back folks.
• 0:43
  Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back.
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  Yes, so calm, cool, collected. CCC, right?
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  CCC calm, cool and collected. Why does you being calm mess
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  with a narcissist's head? A lot of people, yeah, a lot of
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  people ask me that question like some narcissistic people like
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  when you are when they're yelling and screaming at you or
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  they're throwing stuff at you or they'll get they, they
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  themselves are giving you the silent treatment or stonewalling
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  you. Why don't they like it when you
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  are just calm and not and and are acting or unbothered?
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  Why does they get on their nerves?
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  So one of the main reasons why this gets on narcissist nerves
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  is because you are in control. Your calmness means that you are
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  in control. I said it y'all, you being calm,
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  you being cool, you being collected means that you are in
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  control of the situation. Narcissist the the one reason,
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  one of the reasons why narcissist give you the silent
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  treatment and rage out on you and scream at you and yell at
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  you and try to instill fear in you is because they want to.
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  They want to be in control. They want to feel like they are.
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  They have some type of power over you and whatnot.
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  So when you are cool, calm and collected, when you are not,
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  when you are not reacting to their abuse, when you are not
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  giving them their your emotional energy, they lose their they can
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  lose their minds right? And a lot of times this happens
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  y'all probably hear if you haven't heard it before, the
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  grey rock technique when you remove all your emotional
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  energy, when you're almost always calm and you never like
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  you rarely. I'm going to say never because I
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  can't speak in absolutes right. When you are like when you are
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  rarely giving them any type of energy outside of the necessary
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  reactions, outside of the necessary communication, outside
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  of the necessary talk and whatnot, when you are doing
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  that, it makes a difference. It makes sense, right?
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  So we, as you keep, as we keep going along, as you keep trying
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  to survive and thrive, understand that your calmness is
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  your yeah, your you being calm is a weapon.
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  It's like when you are Zen, it is a weapon against them.
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  It is. And no, you're not trying to
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  hurt them. This is not me trying to say,
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  look, I don't want to hurt them. You're not.
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  Yeah. How how is you?
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  You. You being calm is not going to
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  hurt them. It just reestablishes that you
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  are in control. You have power that's and they
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  don't want that, right? They don't want you to feel like
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  you have any type of power or dominion or any type of autonomy
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  within the relationship space. So a lot of them are going to
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  react this way. A lot of them are going to say
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  and do this type of stuff because they feel like it
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  benefits them in some way, shape or form.
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  This is the mind of a manipulator.
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  This is the mind of a narcissistic person.
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  This is the mind of a toxic person, right?
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  This is how they go about doing things.
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  So I'll say that to say this right here, yo, as you're moving
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  forward, used it. Y'all used this used the
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  calmness in your at at being calm, cool and collected.
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  Add the great rock technique to your arsenal because it can help
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  you right? It's not the end all be all.
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  It's not the fix. It's not like fix a flat for a
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  flat tire, but it can help you out right there.
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  And that's the main thing you want to do is get help, right?
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  Is that that why you're here to get help?
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  So that's something you have to consider right there.
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  But I also say this, another reason why narcissistic people
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  why get get uneven, get unnerved, can lose their lose
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  their minds when you are calm is because they are bored.
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  Y'all they are bored you get One of the most dangerous types of
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  narcissists out there is the bored narcissist.
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  The narcissist that is extremely bored and has nothing else to
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  do, that type of person right there literally will lose their
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  whole damn mind, literally will lose their whole, will lose
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  their whole. They can't take it.
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  So when they narcissist who when I, I believe, then this is what
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  I believe right here, that most narcissistic people suffer from
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  chronic boredom. Like we just get bored very
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  easily. And once we get bored, it's very
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  hard to shake that boredom feeling.
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  It's very hard to not to get like get on bored, right?
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  It's very difficult to get on bored in these spaces.
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  And we're not so as you like. So when they're bored and
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  they're trying to intentionally antagonize you, that's what you
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  have to think about too. Because if they get bored and
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  you're not willing to play this game with them, they get, they
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  can really get upset, you know, so they're messing with your
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  heads, they're messing with your minds and they're like, they're
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  like life is boring everything. And the crazy, the crazy thing
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  about the boredom part is y'all, everything else could be going
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  well, right? Literally everything else could
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  be going well, like literally every single thing y'all could
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  be everything else in the relationship.
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  Everything else in life could be going could be pristine, could
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  be the the at the top at the peak.
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  Everything else could be peaking at the top.
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  And then out of nowhere, boom, they get bored and still try to
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  disrupt you. They get bored and still try to
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  disrupt you like I said and they and if they can't unnerve you,
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  if they can't router you, if they can't get a reaction from
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  you, yeah sometimes they will lose their minds even further.
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  So This is why I'm saying like you being calm is a weapon
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  right? But and you not giving them your
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  reactions is a weapon. But again y'all, it could
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  backfire you. Sometimes when you get these
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  ultra abusive manipulative ass beaten narcissist, they will try
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  to put their hands on you or trying to put their hands around
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  your throat and stop you from breathing.
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  I got to say it like that stop you from breathing.
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  A lot of them will do that as well, but that's something that
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  happens. There really is something that
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  goes down. There really is something that
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  gets deeper as you go along. When you're dealing with
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  manipulative, abusive people, They keep doing the same thing
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  over and over again because they absolutely do get bored and they
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  want you to play games with them, right?
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  Because in their minds, there's another thing right here, y'all.
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  In their minds, if you're too calm, you don't love them
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  anymore, especially when you do, when they're so used to you
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  reacting to them, when they're so used to give, giving them
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  emotional energy, they see that as you caring.
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  So when you remove that or try to remove it, like, yeah, it's
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  not a perfect science. You can't remove all your
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  reactions. You're a human being, right?
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  Sometimes you're going to falter, right?
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  It is, It is not a perfect science at all.
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  But when you remove those reactions, when you remove that
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  energy that they're that you're giving them, they do tend to get
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  mad as hell. And like I said, because they
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  think that you have someone else because if you're this is the,
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  the clear black and white thinking of a narcissist mind or
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  hey, y'all, if you're not giving me that energy, you must be
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  giving it to someone else. That's the clear and present
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  meaning of it right there. If you're not giving me the
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  energy, you must be giving it to someone else.
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  Somebody else must be giving this energy.
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  Somebody else must be taking it. As I say, you must be given to
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  somebody else. So, and it's just they, they can
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  get very paranoid. And when they get paranoid, the
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  more paranoid they get, the more dangerous they can become.
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  Now, I think everybody, I think everybody can attest to that.
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  The more paranoid your narcissistic partner gets, the
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  more dangerous that they can become because they, they'd be
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  losing their damn minds. They don't know how to act, they
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  don't know how to react. They don't know how to treat
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  you. They don't know how to do a lot
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  of just normal human functions, right.
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  And that can be to the detriment of everybody else that's dealing
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  with this person. They can keep doing this type of
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  stuff over and over again. So I say even even when they
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  start accusing you because like I said, if they yell and scream
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  at you or they stay out late at night or they or give you the
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  silent treatment or you go to their like they they're doing
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  sometimes, sometimes y'all realize this, they're doing some
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  of this stuff intentionally to try to antagonize you.
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  They want to set you off. They want you to feel a certain
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  type of way. So if they can do this and it
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  works, they'll keep doing it. So in their minds, if I do this
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  and she doesn't react, or he doesn't react, or they don't
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  react to me, then they don't care about me, which means they
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  have someone else. You see how asinine that mindset
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  is right there. It's just like they must not
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  care about me because they did this and they did that, so it
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  must mean that they have someone else.
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  This must be the mentality of it out.
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  This must be how it works, like because they would do the same
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  thing out. If they are not connected to
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  you, they are either seeking out someone else or they already
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  have someone else. So they're assuming that you
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  have the same mentality. They're assuming that you have
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  that same mindset. This is what they're assuming
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  right here. They're assuming that the same
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  things that they're doing to you or that they would do to you
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  that you would do to them, that you would hold them to the same
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  account that they would hold you.
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  This is the mindset of a narcissist right here, y'all.
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  And This is why it's so be so dangerous to deal with them over
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  and over again. This is why we be so dangerous
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  to do, to do, to do the constant back and forth stuff with this
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  abusive, manipulative person. This is why I could be so
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  dangerous. So this is something like that.
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  This is all things you have to consider, y'all.
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  Your calmness, your stillness, your Zen is a superpower against
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  this abusive, manipulative person.
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  But that's something you have to work on, y'all.
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  It is not not it's not. Again, like I said earlier, it's
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  not a perfect science. It just isn't.
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  It's not a perfect science. It's not something that's you
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  know, you, you're going to perfect.
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  This is things right here they go are going to take a while to
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  just because you're not, you can't, you can't go from
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  reactive abuse episodes where you're yelling and screaming and
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  throwing stuff at them to being calm the next day.
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  That's tough. So it takes a little while to
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  build up this Zen. You have to go ahead and talk
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  about, talk to you have to do a lot of talking to yourself and
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  have a lot of, you know, get a lot of support from other people
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  if it's possible, other people that understand what you're
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  going through, not people who don't understand it, not people
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  who don't get it, people who understand what you're going
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  through, people who can attest to it.
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  People just like, that's right. I remember that.
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  I know how that happens. I know how that goes.
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  Here we go. Thanks for tuning into tuning
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  into another episode. I appreciate y'all being here so
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  much. If you haven't, if you don't
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  know, April 5th, we'll be in St. Louis, MO for our next in person
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  workshop, April, April 5th, St. Louis, MO in person event, in
• 11:18
  person workshop meet up, whatever you want to call it.
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  And then April 12th, we're going to be in Durham, NC for our next
• 11:24
  meet up as well. So 5th the 5th St.
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  Louis the 12th is Durham, NC. You can find more information at
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  mentalillness.net/events or go to mentalillness.net scroll to
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  the bottom. It's at the bottom of the
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  screen. Y'all in but y'all see y'all in
• 11:37
  Saint Louis and Durham and I'm out peace.
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  Before you go, make sure that you hit that subscribe button if
• 11:43
  you haven't already. Y'all, you already here, just
• 11:45
  hit the button. Also, you can find my coaching,
• 11:47
  my courses, my one on ones. Everything is available at my
• 11:50
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• 11:54
  Also check out joining the channel memberships as well.
• 11:56
  Y'all thank you so much for being here.
• 11:57
  I'm super grateful I'm out. Peace.