Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 123: The 3 Kinds Of Empathizers: How Cognitive Empathizers, Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) & Empaths Empathize with Others

Transcript

123: The 3 Kinds Of Empathizers: How Cognitive Empathizers, Highly Sensitive People (HSP's) & Empaths Empathize with Others · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for empath and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And today we're going to be exploring the three different kinds of empathizers.
• 0:30
  But before we do, I wanted to share a few things with you.
• 0:34
  I've been getting more comments on my social media, as well as over on my YouTube and I wanted to share just a few of those comments with you.
• 0:41
  The first comment, because from St.
• 0:43
  George Utah, she found me on social media because she had recognized Dixie rock from St.
• 0:48
  George in the background of one of my videos and she said, Hey, I love Dixie rock.
• 0:52
  And so we connected in that way and she started following me and then she sent me such a sweet message.
• 0:58
  She said, Hey, I know that I'm not your target audience, but I just want you to know as somebody with a new diagnosis of OCD.
• 1:06
  I find the mindfulness tips here to be very helpful for me.
• 1:10
  So thank you.
• 1:11
  So first, let me return her thing.
• 1:13
  So thank you for listening.
• 1:15
  And thank you for your comment and also.
• 1:18
  I do think that the tools here are helpful for a lot of populations.
• 1:22
  So yes.
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  I cater to the empaths and the highly sensitive people.
• 1:26
  And also, I think people with OCD, as well as other conditions, they fit into that umbrella of being highly sensitive.
• 1:34
  They're highly sensitive to their surroundings.
• 1:36
  And so I really appreciated her comment and I want her to know that yeah, you belong here.
• 1:41
  And I want you to know that if you find things here that resonate with you, you, belong here.
• 1:47
  The other comment that I received came from somebody in Germany and this was over on YouTube.
• 1:51
  and I loved what they said.
• 1:53
  They said, Hey, I know I'm not your target audience.
• 1:55
  And in fact, most of the time I identify with the other person in your story.
• 2:00
  But because you address that side of things too, I find your content to be very helpful.
• 2:05
  So thank you so much for what you're putting out into the world.
• 2:08
  So, let me give a shout out and a thank you to Germany.
• 2:11
  Thank you so much for reaching out and letting me know that this has been supportive for you.
• 2:15
  And yeah, I am so glad that you are here.
• 2:17
  I absolutely love that both of these comments started out with, I know I'm not your target audience, but..
• 2:23
  Because I think what you're going to find out today is that you feel drawn to this content because really all of us do have our own way of empathizing.
• 2:30
  And I really do try to illustrate that here that we're all different, but that we can come together.
• 2:35
  We might all have different operating systems, but we can find more effective ways of communicating.
• 2:40
  So if my content resonates with you, you are in the right place and you are my target audience.
• 2:47
  So now let's go ahead and jump in and talk about the three different kinds of empathizers.
• 2:51
  And as I talk about these different kinds of empathizers, I want you first to identify what kind of an empathize or you are.
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  I also want you to get curious about what kind of an empathizer those in your immediate circle are, and then see if there's any places where you've been experiencing conflict.
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  And I hope that this understanding will help you to find some resolution in those relationships.
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  So the first kind of empathizer I want to talk to you about is the cognitive empathizer.
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  The cognitive empathizer is a person who really, they really think things through they're very cerebral.
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  And so they use logic to come to their conclusion.
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  They might be looking at the facts they're going to see"okay, well, I've seen these statistics that say that this is most likely to happen.
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  So therefore then this is what's going to happen." Right?
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  And so the super power of the cognitive empathizer is that they are the most likely to ask questions.
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  They're the most likely to do their own research.
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  They want to find out what really is the source of the problem there.
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  And so they're actually most likely to do that.
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  The shadow aspect of the cognitive empathizer is that they tend to assume that whatever they have deemed as true for them, whatever conclusion they have come to as being true for them is therefore true for everyone.
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  That's how they relate to the world as they think, okay, I am going to mentally put myself into the other person's shoes and walk a mile in their shoes and see what conclusions I come to.
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  And then therefore, whatever I come up with is going to be applicable for them.
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  And sometimes they're correct in their mental assessment and sometimes they are not.
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  And so just kind of notice that for yourself, if you're assuming that there's only one way to relate to an experience or one way to respond to a given situation, you might be a cognitive empathizer, and that might be getting in the way of connection.
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  Another problem that I see with the cognitive empathizers in my practice is that it's really easy for them to relate to other people through their own personal experience.
• 4:45
  Right.
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  They're using the facts of their lived experiences to relate to other people.
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  So as somebody is sharing a personal experience with them, Their response might be"I completely understand, because this one time in college.." And now they're sharing their personal experience, but they're in essence making it about them under the guise of trying to let this person know that they understand.
• 5:06
  But sometimes their understanding is lost in their logically telling the person how it is that they understand.
• 5:13
  So, if this is you, then I encourage you when somebody does share their experience, maybe the way that you relate to them is through your own lived experience.
• 5:21
  But maybe just keep that to yourself for a little minute.
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  Okay.
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  So it's okay if that's how you relate to the world.
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  But sometimes if someone empathizes differently, they're going to misinterpret you trying to explain to them why you understand it might get lost in translation because that's not how they relate to the world.
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  And so then they're not going to feel like you understand, instead, they're going to be feeling like you are making it about yourself and that you don't actually understand.
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  And then they're going to have to feel like they're explaining things.
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  So just notice if that's something that's coming up for you and kind of check in with yourself.
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  So when somebody shares their experience, You can know inside of your own mind and inside of your own heart that I understand because of this, but instead of telling them your reasoning, why, and assuming that if they cognitively understand that you understand, then they will understand that you understand.
• 6:07
  Instead, just tell them I understand.
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  and leave it at that.
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  If later then there's an opportunity where you can expound on your situation.
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  If you think it would be helpful for their situation, then go ahead and do that.
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  But first, just tell them, Hey, I understand and maybe ask some clarifying questions to make sure that your situation actually is the same as theirs, rather than just assuming that you have the same experience, even though maybe it's just a little bit similar.
• 6:34
  Essentially, what I'm saying is if you were a cognitive empathizer, it's easy to assume that everybody relates to the world in the same way that you do, but they might not relate in the same way that you do.
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  And so really getting curious again, as I said at the beginning here as to how do I empathize and how do they empathize?
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  It can help you to better understand what is needed in that moment, in order for them to feel seen and heard.
• 6:55
  And of course you can always use your superpower of asking those clarifying questions to gain more information and make sure that you are seeing their situation more clearly.
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  And rather than just attributing how it is that you had show up in that situation.
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  All right.
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  So the next kind of empathize we're going to talk about is the highly sensitive person.
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  And there's two kinds of highly sensitive people.
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  There are the more emotionally evolved or emotionally mature, highly sensitive people.
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  And then there are the more emotionally immature, highly sensitive people.
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  Now I will expand on this a little bit more in future episodes, but something that I've observed is that a lot of narcissists, particularly covert narcissists are highly sensitive people.
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  And oftentimes they end up in relationship with the more emotionally mature, highly sensitive person.
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  And they kind of feel like they're the same.
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  So there's this magnet there, but there's also that polarity between the emotionally mature and the emotionally immature.
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  And it can just kind of show up differently.
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  So sometimes we think because someone as a highly sensitive person, that they have a high level of empathy.
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  And I will say that, yes, if they are an emotionally mature, highly sensitive person, their level of empathy and compassion is pretty great.
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  And if there are any more emotionally immature, or maybe they even have some covert narcissistic tendencies, they may be a highly sensitive person, but their level of empathy is going to look vastly different than yours.
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  So I just kind of want to point that out.
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  As I talk about highly sensitive people, I'm going to be talking more about the emotionally mature, highly sensitive people and what this can look like.
• 8:25
  And in future episodes, then we'll talk a little bit more about how the more, covert narcissistic traits show up through that emotionally immature lens.
• 8:33
  So make sure that you are subscribed.
• 8:35
  If that is something that sounds applicable for you, make sure that you hit that little button and subscribe so you can learn more.
• 8:41
  So let me tell you about highly sensitive people, Highly sensitive people are utilizing all of their senses.
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  They are very attuned to their senses and they're very attuned to other people in that way.
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  So they're hypersensitive to other people's micro-expressions.
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  To their tone of voice, to the words that they are using via text, they're highly attuned to all of those things and are using all of their senses to gather information.
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  And they are essentially doing this in order to assess personal safety.
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  This is a safety mechanism.
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  And for some highly sensitive people, some people are born with it.
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  Other people become a highly sensitive person because essentially they've had to develop the skillset of assessing personal safety by increasing the sensitivity of their senses to assess personal safety.
• 9:27
  So they might be in a relationship, maybe it was a parent, maybe it was a friend, but they may have had some experience where they were unable to trust the other person's words.
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  Their words and their actions did not line up.
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  And therefore this person had to develop a higher sensitivity so that they could, again, assess that personal safety and see what it was that was needed of them in order to keep them safe in that moment.
• 9:50
  And this might be appeasing other people in order to keep them safe or it might show up in just different ways.
• 9:55
  So that's what the highly sensitive person is as they're highly sensitive and use all of their senses in order to gather information.
• 10:02
  Now the superpower of the highly sensitive person is that they are very good at assessing what it is that another person is experiencing in that moment.
• 10:12
  So they will be able to know from people's micro-expressions what it is that they are feeling and experiencing at any given time., and they're quite accurate with this.
• 10:20
  But the shadow aspect of the highly sensitive person is that yes.
• 10:24
  While they are able to, for the most part.
• 10:27
  Assess what it is that the other person is feeling and experiencing.
• 10:30
  Then the downside is that oftentimes they miss a tribute, the cause of that person's emotion because they are on high alert and they are trying to assess personal safety, they tend to over own the other person's emotion.
• 10:42
  So rather than just taking it at face value, that I can see that you're upset today.
• 10:47
  Instead, the highly sensitive person is inclined to say, you must be upset because of me today.
• 10:53
  And again, this is a safety mechanism because if we are the source of the other person's emotion, Then we have some sense of control over it, right?
• 11:01
  If we're the ones that made them feel upset, that means that we can change our behaviors in order to make them happy.
• 11:08
  But then we tend to over own the other person's emotional response.
• 11:12
  And not only does that keep us walking on eggshells, but it also, in some cases can prevent the other person from developing their own emotional capacity to self regulate.
• 11:25
  Okay.
• 11:25
  And then the third kind of empathizer I want to talk to you about is the empath and the empaths are the people that they literally feel what it is that the other person is feeling and experiencing.
• 11:35
  Sometimes then we think an empath is someone who just has a lot of empathy.
• 11:39
  I want to correct that narrative because whether you are a cognitive empathizer or a highly sensitive person or an empath, you can have a significant level of empathy for other people.
• 11:52
  But the empathic experience is a little bit different than just having a lot of empathy for somebody.
• 11:57
  Now, I think I've shared these experiences on the podcast here before, but I think they're really helpful to help you to see what might be showing up for you.
• 12:04
  So I'm going to share a few of my personal empathic experiences.
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  So one experience that I had, I was driving down the road.
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  And I was suddenly overcome with fear and shame and insecurity.
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  It came on so quickly.
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  My eyes welled up with tears.
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  And I had just enough time to think to myself.
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  Where did this come from?
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  When my phone rang.
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  And when I picked up my phone, it was my friend and she had let me know that she had come home to an empty closet.
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  Her husband had left with no notice.
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  And then that's when I recognize that.
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  Oh, Those really big feelings.
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  They don't belong to me.
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  They belong to her.
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  Now for me, my empathic experiences, I usually am able to recognize that they belong to somebody else because of how quickly and out of nowhere they seem to come on.
• 12:53
  So that's how it shows up for me, another experience that I had, I was over at a friend's house and again, it came on so quickly for me.
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  I felt awful.
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  I had this really awful feeling in my stomach and I had just enough time to think, man, it feels like there's a rock in my gut.
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  I used those exact words in my mind.
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  And right then my friend walked into the room and said, man, it feels like there's a rock in my gut.
• 13:16
  And again, that's when I was able to recognize that, okay, this doesn't belong to me.
• 13:19
  This belongs to them.
• 13:21
  And once I was able to recognize that it belonged to them, then I was able to show up for them and help to bring comfort to these friends without actually taking on myself and feeling and processing it in my own body.
• 13:33
  But it gave me information where I could say, okay, yep.
• 13:36
  I can understand how you're feeling that way.
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  Let me show up and help you.
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  But I also had to get to a point where I was able to recognize that I cannot process this for you.
• 13:45
  So that is the gift of the empath is they do truly understand what it is that you're going through because they feel it in their physical body, they truly do feel it deeply.
• 13:55
  But some of the downsides to being an empath is again, we tend to over own it, but also it can be really hard to differentiate self from other people.
• 14:04
  Honestly, if I hadn't received that phone call in that moment, or if my friend hadn't walked into the room and used those exact words in that moment, I would have been wondering what was happening for me.
• 14:14
  It would have been very confusing and disorienting.
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  I might be wondering if I was maybe bipolar if something else was happening for me.
• 14:20
  And so I really deeply appreciated that my friends made those comments and made those phone calls in that exact time so I could better understand what my personal experience is.
• 14:31
  Now as I describe each of these kinds of empathizers, I want you to know that we do all empathize differently.
• 14:38
  And a lot of the conflict that I hear about in my coaching practice, a lot of that conflict stems from empathizing differently.
• 14:46
  We're judging the other person's experience rather than trying to understand it.
• 14:52
  Now At the beginning of this episode, I encouraged you to first identify how it is that you empathize with others.
• 14:57
  And then to think about those in your immediate circle and get curious about how they empathize.
• 15:02
  And so I really want you to think about that for a little moment and then think about what might be needed.
• 15:07
  We tend to judge another's experience with how they relate to the world or how they express themselves emotionally or how they empathize.
• 15:16
  I saw an article recently where they were talking about grief and they said in this article that couples that have lost a child are significantly more likely to divorce, but the reason for divorce isn't because of blame and shame around the death of the child.
• 15:31
  But instead it is because of judgment around how the partner is choosing to grieve.
• 15:37
  It really can create a lot of conflict.
• 15:39
  when we're experiencing these big emotions, We expect other people to show up in different ways, but we're all going to show up differently depending on the lens that we're seeing the world through, depending on how it is that we empathize and relate to each other.
• 15:53
  So here's some tips to help you to better relate to each other.
• 15:56
  First, I want you to just get curious about what's happening for the other person.
• 16:01
  All of us have the ability to be cognitive empathizers and ask those questions and that can become a huge superpower when it comes to relating to others.
• 16:10
  In fact, that's something that I really encourage my highly sensitive clients to do is tap into that ability to cognitively empathize.
• 16:17
  Rather than just assuming that somebody is upset with you.
• 16:20
  Ask the question.
• 16:22
  Ask an open-ended question say, Hey, it seems that you're really upset right now.
• 16:26
  What's going on for you.
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  Ask the question rather than assuming what is happening.
• 16:32
  In fact, this is something that I really do a lot in my practice.
• 16:35
  I might be talking with somebody and their words are conveying one message, but their body language is conveying another message.
• 16:42
  So I might say, yeah, I heard what you said, but can you tell me a little bit about what your face is telling me right now, or your body language?
• 16:49
  Like I just saw you slumped back in your chair.
• 16:51
  What's coming up for you.
• 16:52
  And I can just ask those open-ended questions to get more information, and this is especially helpful when you can see that their words.
• 16:59
  and their actions are not currently matching up.
• 17:02
  The reality is that most of the time we really don't know what is happening for other people.
• 17:07
  Be willing to ask those questions so that you can gain more understanding.
• 17:12
  Be willing to ask them, Hey, am I hearing you correctly?
• 17:15
  Is this what you're trying to tell me?
• 17:16
  Be willing to ask them, Hey, I'm just noticing a change in your facial expression right now is something coming up for you?
• 17:22
  Be willing to ask the questions to gain more information, rather than just assuming that we know what's coming up for them.
• 17:30
  Another thing that I really encourage you to do is to be willing to state what it is that you need.
• 17:35
  If the other person is not meeting your need, ask yourself.
• 17:39
  Okay.
• 17:39
  Have I explicitly stated what it is that I need?
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  Because, depending on what kind of an empathize or you are, your needs are going to be a little bit different.
• 17:48
  So be willing to vocalize that, be willing to say, Hey, could you please ask me three clarifying questions so that I know that you understand.
• 17:56
  Be willing to say, Hey, can you please just hold me for a little while?
• 18:00
  I don't want to talk about it.
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  I just need to be held.
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  Or be willing to say, Hey, I actually just need a little bit of space to feel and process this in my body.
• 18:07
  And then we can talk about it.
• 18:09
  When someone empathizes differently, they're not going to know what it is that you need.
• 18:14
  So be willing to state what it is that you need.
• 18:18
  So I really hope that today at the very least you're able to better understand how it is that you empathize with others and how those around you might empathize differently because as we raise our awareness around how we all engage with the world and with each other, it really can help us to just increase our levels of empathy and compassion.
• 18:36
  And also it makes it a lot easier for us to communicate.
• 18:39
  And that's what I really want you to think about this week is number one.
• 18:42
  How do I empathize?
• 18:44
  How do those around me empathize?
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  And am I asking the right questions to gain more understanding?
• 18:50
  And am I explicitly stating my need?
• 18:53
  And Hey, if you need help and support really dissecting this, I know that it sounds super simple here at a podcast and yes, it is simple, but that doesn't mean that it necessarily comes easy to a lot of people.
• 19:03
  So if you would like some help and support navigating your own personal levels of empathy, come and work with me.
• 19:10
  If as you were listening here, if you thought, boy, I really identify more as a cognitive empathizer or highly sensitive person or an empath, and I want to better understand that experience no matter where you are at on the empathy scale, you are here for a reason, you connected with me for a reason.
• 19:25
  And I would love to work with you and helping support you.
• 19:27
  You are my target audience.
• 19:29
  Okay.
• 19:29
  I just want you to know that, but yes, I am here to love and support you.
• 19:33
  And if anything in here resonates with you, then we have connected for a reason.
• 19:37
  And I would love to explore that with you.
• 19:39
  All right.
• 19:40
  Well, that's all that I have for you for this week.
• 19:42
  If you would like to leave me a review, I would deeply appreciate it.
• 19:44
  It helps me to reach more people.
• 19:47
  If as you were listening, if you thought, wow, I think that this would really benefit me and my friend or me and my partner is we come to try to better understand each other.
• 19:53
  I encourage you to share this episode with them so that we can have that discussion.
• 19:58
  If you're watching on YouTube, let me know in the comments what's coming up for you and how can I best support you?
• 20:03
  All right.
• 20:04
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 20:06
  Bye now.