Latest / GlowInto / Glow&Tell-"What Happens When The Life You Built Doesn't Fit Anymore?"
Transcript
- Jen: Welcome to Glow and Tell, the conversations where we talk about what women are really experiencing as we move through the next chapters of our lives. There's something I've been hearing over and over again in the women I interview. It doesn't always sound the same. Sometimes it's a woman leaving a career she thought she would have forever. Sometimes it comes after a divorce when she realizes she isn't only rebuilding emotionally, she may be rebuilding financially, socially, and personally too. And sometimes the change isn't forced on her at all. She simply wakes up one day and realizes that the life she worked incredibly hard to build doesn't quite fit the woman she has become. And I think there's a question underneath it all. Are women allowed to change their minds? Kim Kilgore's story has always stayed with me for this reason. She had built a career as a criminal prosecutor. She was a s she was successful at it. But another part of her was growing at the same time. And eventually her creativity and passion led her toward an entirely different life with Paper Moon. There's something powerful about realizing you don't have to hate the life you have in order to want something different. And change isn't always about career. I've talked with women who have found themselves rebuilding after divorce, learning about their own finances for the first time. Discovering new friendships, starting businesses, finding new communities, and asking who they were when the roles that defined them for years began to change. Alison Tyndall spent years in healthcare before reaching a point where that identity no longer completely fit. Her next chapter became Thriving Willow, and with it came the work of figuring out not only what she wanted to do, but who she wanted to be. And then there are women who remind us that changing doesn't always mean walking away from something different. Sometimes it means finally allowing another part of yourself to take up more room. In my upcoming story with Jodi, you'll meet a woman who at 50, almost 51, is becoming more visible, more expressive, and more willing to wear the happy clothes, show up and take space. And in an upcoming interview with Regina Dawkins, we talk about what happens when an identity built around years of military service, leadership, and responsibility begins to shift. Who are you when a role that has defined so much of your adult life is no longer the thing introducing you? Maybe that's why this subject keeps finding its way into my conversations. Because somewhere between 40 and whatever comes next, A lot of us begin looking at the lives we created and asking different questions. Not did I make the wrong choices, but those choices do they still fit me? And maybe the answer doesn't require blowing up your entire life. Maybe your career still fits, but the way you're working doesn't. Maybe your relationship still fits, but you've lost a little of yourself inside it. And maybe the friendships that carried you through one chapter. Aren't giving you the connection you need in this one. And maybe you've spent decades being responsible, practical, and dependable, and there's another part of you asking for a turn. And like some of the women I've interviewed in their 50s, 60s, and beyond, you're realizing something surprisingly simple. I'm not done yet. So today on Glow and Tell, that's what we're going to talk about. What happens when the life you built doesn't fit anymore? And perhaps the bigger question, who are you willing to become when you finally give yourself permission to change your mind? So let's get to the part I find really interesting. How do you know when something doesn't fit anymore? Because most of us don't wake up on a Tuesday morning and suddenly announce, well, this entire life is wrong. Usually it's much quieter than that. You start noticing what you're tolerating. You notice what you're constantly complaining about. You notice what you're jealous of when another woman tells you what she's doing, and you notice the things that keep saying You'll do it someday. And sometimes you notice when you're really good at maintaining a life, you're not actually excited about living. And that's uncomfortable to admit. When I should be happy enters the conversation. I think one of the biggest things that women keep from exploring is those feelings of guilt. I have a good husband. I have healthy kids. I make good money. I have a nice home. People would love the job I have. What do I have to complain about? Maybe nothing. But gratitude doesn't desire opposites. You can appreciate what you have and still wonder what else you want. And if there's and that's where Kim Kilgore's story has always interested me. She wasn't running from a career she failed at. She had built a successful career as a criminal prosecutor. That's an entirely different decision. What do you do when you're good at something that no longer fits the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Because walking away from failure is understandable. And walking away from success, people have questions. And you probably have a few questions for yourself too. And then there's the sunk cost question that becomes one of the biggest traps. But I've already spent so many years doing this. 20 years in a career. Twenty-five years building a business, years getting the degree, years developing the reputation, years becoming the person everybody calls because you know exactly what you're doing, and that does matter. There's another question worth asking. If you knew you had another 20 productive years ahead of you, would the 20 years behind you automatically determine how you spent them? I don't think that's a question we ask ourselves enough. And this doesn't only apply to work. We do it with hobbies, organizations, friendships, routines, and commitments. Sometimes we continue doing things simply because we've always done them. And at some point, I've always done it, stopped being a reason, and became a habit. Here's another question I think can tell us a lot. What are you envious of? Not jealous in a nasty way. I'm talking about the little feeling you get when another woman tells you she's doing something you immediately think of. I wish I could do that. Pay attention to that. Maybe your friend takes a trip by herself and you think, I could never. Why not? Maybe someone starts a business and your first reaction is, must be nice. Why did that bother you? Maybe you see a woman wearing something bold and think I love that, but I couldn't pull it off. According to whom? That's part of what I enjoy about my upcoming story with Jody. Her happy clothes aren't really just about clothes. There's something underneath that willingness to be seen, and I think that's why her story connects with women. At some point we can decide you don't need permission to enjoy to be visible. Now here's where those conversations can become unrealistic. We tell women, figure out what you want. Great. What if I don't know? What if you've spent 30 years making decisions based on what your family needed, what your employer needed, and what financially responsible decisions had to be made to decide what happens next. Then someone ask, what do you want? And you honestly don't know. I think that's more common than we admit. Maybe the first step isn't answering the question, maybe it's experimenting. Take the class, volunteer, go to the event, try the hobby, have coffee with a woman whose career interests you. Spend a Saturday somewhere by yourself. Start writing, try the clothes, ask about the job, research the business. You don't have to make every curiosity into a five year plan. Some things are allowed to simply show you something about yourself. There's another pattern I've heard from women. They spent years being the reliable one, the organizer, the caretaker, the person who remembers birthdays, the person everybody calls, the one who figures it out, and the one who doesn't fall apart because there isn't enough time to fall apart. That role can be so normal that's nobody, including yourself, thinks to ask whether she wants to keep carrying all of it. my upcoming interview with Regina made me think about identity and responsibility in a different way because leadership and service Have been such a significant part of her life. And obviously, most women aren't transitioning from a military career, but I think many will understand the question underneath it. Who am I when I am not needed in exactly the same way anymore? That question can show up after retirement, after children leave home, after caregiving ends, after leaving management, after stepping away from a volunteer position you've held forever. Or being needed can become part of your identity. So can being busy. And those are not necessarily the same things as being fulfilled. Now we have to talk about the unglamorous part of changing your life. Money. Because follow your dreams sounds wonderful until the mortgage is due. I've interviewed women who have to think very differently about money after divorce, career changes. business ownership and unexpected life changes. Millette Johnson's story in particular was relevant here because rebuilding financially after divorce eventually became connected to the work she does helping other women understand their finances. And there's something practical I take from that. Knowing your numbers gives you information. Maybe you discover you can't afford to leave your job right now. Okay, that's information, not necessarily the end of the idea. What would have to happen first? Do you need six months of savings? Do you need to pay something off? Could you test the business on the side? Do you need additional training? Could you reduce your expenses? Sometimes the bravest move isn't quitting tomorrow. It's quietly spending the next year creating options. Are you lonely or do you need different connection? There's another idea here where I think women can feel a shift without understanding exactly what's happening. Friendship and community. We've already talked on Glow and Two about friendships after 40, but there's another piece of it. And as our lives change, the kind of connection we need changes too. Gita Beckman was writing about craving community recently that made me think of this. You can know plenty of people. You can have coworkers, family, Facebook friends, neighbors, and a calendar full of things to do and still feel like you're missing meaningful connection. Maybe you're not looking for more people. Maybe you're looking for people who know the version of you that's emerging now. That's different. And sometimes creating that community means being the one willing to go first. Invite someone to coffee. Join the group. Start the book club. Go to the event alone. Tell somebody, I'd really like to know you better. Adult friendship can require an awkward moment of intentionality, but waiting for somebody else to create the community you want can leave you waiting a very long time. What if the people around you don't like the change? Now that is a hard one. You start changing and somebody else doesn't particularly like it. Maybe you're setting boundaries you didn't have before. Maybe you're spending time on something that's yours. Maybe you're confident, maybe you're saying no, maybe you make your own money, maybe you decide to dress differently, maybe you stopped automatically volunteering for everything. And suddenly someone says, You've changed. Well, maybe you have. The real question is whether the change is healthy for you. Because sometimes people generally see something we're missing and we should listen. But sometimes what they actually are saying is the old version of you worked better for me. Those are two very different conversations. I also think we've developed this idea that transformation has to be public. It doesn't. You don't have to post big things coming. You don't need a dramatic announcement. You don't have to tell everyone you're entering your new era. You can quietly start. You can save the money, take the course, write the business plan, go to therapy, update your resume, and make a phone call. And perhaps decide you don't like it. That's allowed too. Changing your mind includes changing it again. But what if we're not ready to slow down? I also want to talk about age because I hear this in women I interview who are further into this chapter. There's a strange expectation that at some point women should become satisfied with maintaining. Kathleen Kaiser's story challenges that idea for me. Because what if you're 60 or 65 and you still want to build something? What if you want another career? What if you want to travel? What if you want to fall in love? What if you want to start a podcast, write a book, launch a business, learn something completely new, or finally become really good at something you always wanted to try? Who's decided when the building years are over? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to a little quieter life. And I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting one. So how do you know? Maybe that's the question underneath the entire conversation. How do you know whether you've outgrown something or you're simply going through a difficult season? I don't think there's one answer. But I'd start paying attention to the patterns. Is this feeling temporary? Or have you been having the same conversation with yourself for three years? are you running towards something or only running away? Have you actually tried to improve the situation you're in? And what would staying cost you? What would leaving cost you? And here's what I really like. If nothing changed for the next five years, how would you feel? Don't answer that quickly, because sometimes that question brings relief. Actually, I'd be pretty happy. That's a valuable piece of information for yourself. and sometimes your entire body says, absolutely not. That's more information too. You don't necessarily need to act on it tomorrow, but you probably shouldn't keep pretending you didn't hear it either. As we wrap up, maybe the biggest thing I hope you take away from today's topic is that you simply start paying attention. Pay attention to the things that keep tugging at you, the idea you keep coming back to, the conversation you keep having with yourself, the thing you keep saying you'll do someday. And you don't have to know exactly where it's leading. You don't have to make a big announcement, and you certainly don't have to have everything figured out. But you can get curious about what you're feeling and give yourself enough room to see where it might take you. I keep thinking about something Doreen Warfield said when I asked her what she would tell her younger self. She said, I would tell myself I'm worth it. That's such a simple statement, but I think there's a lot inside it. You're worth exploring the idea that's been sitting in the back of your mind. You're worth making time for something that matters to you. You're worth asking yourself what you want now, even if the answer is different from what you wanted 10 or 20 years ago. And maybe changing your life isn't always about one enormous decision. Maybe it's a series of little votes for the woman you're becoming, the class you finally signed up for, the boundary you set, the money you're saving. The conversation you're finally ready to have and the invitation you accept. the idea you explore instead of immediately taking yourself out of it. Those choices might look small to everyone else, but over time they can begin to change the direction of your life, and you don't necessarily know where they're going to lead. Doreen said something else in her interview that I think fits beautifully here. Hang on for the ride because your story is going to unfold how you don't even imagine it to unfold. There are a lot of great things ahead, and I love that. Because there are still little parts of your story you can't see. People you haven't met, things you haven't tried, places you haven't gone, ideas you haven't even had yet, and the version of yourself you haven't met yet. So Doreen says, don't let the old girl in. She's not talking about being afraid of getting older. For Doreen, it's about refusing to quit on yourself too early. And I think that's a pretty good challenge for all of us. Stay curious. Keep trying things. Keep paying attention to what fits and what doesn't, and keep believing there are still some really good chapters ahead. That's exactly what I want Glow and Tell to continue to become. A place where we talk about the things we're actually thinking about. The conversations we're having with our girlfriends, the questions we're asking ourselves in the car on the way home from work, and even those things we're lying awake thinking about at two o'clock in the morning. So I want to hear from you. If there's a topic you think we should talk about on Glow and Tell, please let me know. Maybe it's something you're experiencing right now, maybe it's something you keep hearing from other women. Or maybe it's one of those subjects you wish somebody would finally talk about. I'll be setting up future glow and tell interviews, and I'm looking for women who are willing to sit down and have these conversations with me. If there's something on your mind, reach out and tell me what you want to talk about. Your idea, your story. It might just become one of our next conversations. So I'll leave you here with a reminder from Doreen that says, I'm worth it. And maybe that's something all of us need to say to ourselves a little more often. Keep making those small choices for the woman you're becoming. Don't let the old girl in. And until next time, keep glowing into who you were always meant to be.