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Rabbi Moshe Haber- The Power of Discipline: Consequences and Accountability Perashat Ekeb 8.17.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Normally I'm not a guy personally who has these things.
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  He stands on a soapbox. I proclaim something that's
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  wrong with the world. But this sort of thing that's
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  becoming a fat peeve of mine and I'm watching and it's very
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  bothersome and I want to develop the concept.
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  I'll show you what take me off in the mirror.
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  So now, yes, it is proud of SHOT.
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  It's not Messiah's dream. Yes, it is proud of SHOT Moshe
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  Evan is recounting as he always does in this Sephard, the things
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  that happened in the recent history in the Mubarak and he
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  talks about one part. He says that the Jewish people
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  you have to remember he says that you sinned when it came to
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  Heta ego. It was a serious sin at first.
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  He says like this, when you're going into the land, the visual,
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  you'll be given a blessed man, wonderful man, Altum Abbottabah,
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  don't say that you're getting this land because of your
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  righteousness, but Hashem is giving me the land because of
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  what I did so well and because of the evil of the nations
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  around us. Don't say that it's not true.
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  Hashem is not giving you the land because of your own
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  righteousness. Jewish people, you were coming
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  to inherit the land. No, that's not what you're
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  getting it. Hashem is giving it to you for
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  two reasons. One, the nations will live on
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  our land and our people. Two, God made a promise to you,
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  your forefathers, and He has to keep the promise.
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  It's not your credit. It doesn't sound like such a
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  positive thing to say. We adopt and He emphasizes it.
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  You for your reason. You know what?
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  You are a stubborn nation. Remember I never forget that you
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  got got angry in the desert. You've been getting got angry
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  since you time It's I am up until this day.
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  You have to remember you made Hashem very upset, but God wants
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  to destroy you. What happened?
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  He recounts the idea that went up.
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  I went up the mountain to get to the hot ballot Tiara la caca de
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  l'hota Abraham Bahota breed. I climbed up the mountain to get
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  to the hot. I say cut out Hashem the treaty
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  that the hot would represent the connection of God and us.
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  I stayed up there for 40 days and 40 nights.
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  Moshe, everybody gets to detail. He gets dramatic.
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  Let him blow a haughty on my own law Satiti.
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  I didn't eat or drink for 40 days.
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  It was a miraculous time and Hashem gave me this little hot.
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  And by the way, they were reined by the hand of God to reimburse
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  by the King and they had the entire Torah and they were given
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  in a bowl of fire. And at the end of four days,
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  Hashem gave it to me. Hashem then tells me, go down
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  fast, go down fast because your people have gone astray because
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  of the hit. They go Saruma, your people have
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  loved to fold very fast. And then Hashem told me, I see
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  these people, they're bare. They're they're stubborn people.
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  Time to wipe them out. Hashem says Mosheba is
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  recounting this. I came down the mountain and I
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  saw your sins. I took the two little hot, I
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  threw them to the ground and they broke in front of your eyes
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  and then I prayed to Hashem 40 days and 40 nights and I told
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  Hashem I prayed to Hashem again and then I went up and I solely
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  but surely calm the Hashem's anger, etcetera, etcetera, and I
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  pray and I prayed well share about his time with Jew people
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  to tell them you are not so great.
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  Don't think you're so special. Don't think you deserve the
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  land. You're not getting in because of
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  your marriage, you're getting in because your forefathers sounds
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  pretty strong and not so positive.
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  Now, why is he telling them to them?
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  And then he tells them eventually Hashem accepts you,
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  teshiva, etcetera. Why is he telling this time
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  myself? Why didn't he do this?
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  So I think there's an important concept.
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  We know that we have an idea called teshiva, and teshiva
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  means your pestis, and we have an idea that Hashem is the
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  merciful God. Our mercy means that God wipes
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  away things that we do wrong. But there can be a major problem
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  was harping too much on the mercy and harping too much on
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  the Shuvak. Here's the problem.
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  I'm going to get to the modern day right now.
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  I was watching two kids get into a fight.
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  I saw it last week or so. Two kids get into a fight and
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  after I saw the two kids get into a fight, one kid was
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  clearly wrong. The kids threw a empty soda can.
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  Another kid fine. The mother walks over and
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  watches my own eyes and tell me crazy.
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  The mother walks over and says, oh, the words like he should
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  apologize, talking about her son, he should apologize.
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  They were both fighting. He made a mistake.
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  They were both fighting, but he should apologize.
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  You want as he can her own son. And I saw this and I said, if I
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  can label what's wrong with this generation in one sentence or
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  one picture will be that image. What is her son did something
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  wrong? I watched a scene.
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  He doesn't mean totally wrong and she doesn't want to
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  reprimand them outright 'cause she's nervous, she's scared,
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  whatever her reason is. And therefore she cushioned the
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  blow and she in a sense got nothing out of that.
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  In fact, she just allowed her son to get away with something
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  that was terrible. I watch this.
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  I said she's not the only one who's afford this.
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  We do this all the time. What has happened to our current
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  generation? I think I look at my own
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  children. I owe it self told my children
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  this happens all the time and that is that we cushioned the
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  blow way too much. He's depressed.
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  There used to be something called discipline, right?
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  Exactly. Used to be usually something
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  called spring, right? Word.
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  The slippers correct the slipper.
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  I used to be afraid. And now my mother's wonderful
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  woman belies your belts. I used to be my mother's
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  wonderful woman. I used to be afraid.
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  If I was going to bed, at a certain point, he sent us
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  upstairs, whatever it was. Might have been late at night
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  eventually, if I was past the time she was started running up
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  the stairs with the slipper and the threat was using hairs with
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  the back of the slipper, literally the heels.
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  But not so many years ago, the back of the slipper.
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  I never got hit one. I meant I never got hit once.
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  But the threat was there. In fact, we were so nervous, so
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  scared. You got, I'm sure you did.
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  We were so scared, OK, even in my day was so scared of this
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  threat that if the light was on in the room pass a certain
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  point, the breather hit officially.
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  So we had we set up a contraption in my room.
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  I rather the VNI or the VNI instead of a contraption.
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  We're in the same room. The system was like this.
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  We're going to leave the light on Duo.
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  All this thing if mommy starts to yell or run up the stairs, we
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  have a wire around the whole room.
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  OK, They get us to the light switch.
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  We pull on that wire, light switch goes off and we're fine.
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  We're peaceful, we're good. This is our shtick because
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  you're without afraid of the belt or the back of the slipper.
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  I never got it once, but the threat was there Tank in school
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  while I went to school. This is again, not a million
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  years ago and why'd the team like they used to tell you, you
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  didn't go to the principal. You messed around, you didn't go
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  to the principal's office. What happens in the principal's
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  office? Nobody knows that you go to the
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  principal's office. Officially he would hit He never
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  hit once while I was there, but officially the threat was he
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  would hit. There was a concept called
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  discipline and that concept. What's the depth of the
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  discipline. This is what it means
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  consequences. What my share better was telling
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  the Jewish people was is the Jewish people at that time were
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  in a fine position. They're about to go into ADCL
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  and they all said they came. They are all good people.
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  Why is he being so strong in them?
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  Why isn't he just telling them dash and loves them and to Shiva
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  works and there's something called raha mean mercy.
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  Why does he get so strong? Because he where is the idea if
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  there's no consequences, Consequences, excuse me, and no
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  discipline and the people go astray and there's no way around
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  it. This is a reality without
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  consequences. Without discipline, a person is
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  not molded properly. And the challenge that I
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  witnessed when I saw this scene last week and the challenge that
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  we face today is that we are a world and maybe with children
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  and reality also buys to adults in many ways, we are a world
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  which is without consequence. And when people are not given
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  understanding of consequences, they do not mold properly.
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  Now, what's the next step without such a concept called
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  consequence? The next step is, is that people
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  do not feel responsible for their actions.
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  People do not feel that they are liable and they make a mistake.
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  And if you think about when we have a concept called onish
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  punishment and sin, do you know that it's sin?
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  The way it works is here's the depth of concept.
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  Why is consequence so in person? Why is it that the idea of a
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  person getting punished is so valuable?
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  What's happening is when they do something wrong, they feel that
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  their action leads to that. So they start to be molded in a
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  way that if I do this, A = B. So now really the real result of
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  that kid, you know, hated throwing a soda cane, the real
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  result is not really that he has to get yelled at by his mother,
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  and that's not the result of his action.
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  The result of the action is that he just created a fight.
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  Now he just harm somebody. That's a result.
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  You can't do that to him. So instead you give him a
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  punishment, whatever the punishment may be, which is
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  basically a way of feeling the responsibility, the same
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  responsibility of his actions. We have a constant knowledge
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  that are called onesh, called punishment.
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  We have it and we never give it. So why is it there?
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  You know, they give him our rights and we talk about if we
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  learn this master thought you talk about hayamita, Hayamita,
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  hayamita someone's liable for death.
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  How often do you think the bad thing if it's Hayden gave a
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  death penalty? How often we're talking about
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  anyone is mahalo Shabbat. He does anything wrong with
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  Shabbat get death penalty. Anyone that's inappropriate or
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  anything Hayamita all over the place people are are liable for
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  death. How often do they get death
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  penalty? Probably never the game out says
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  I think the number is if they did it once every 70 years, 70
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  years. If a bedeen gave death to me
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  once every 70 years, that bedeen was referred to as a murderous
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  bedeen because they're overdoing their punishments.
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  That means they weren't supposed to get.
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  So why do we have what do we have on this channel?
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  What are we talking about it so much?
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  Why do we everything that says don't do this.
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  You got lashes. Get this, get that, talk about
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  it so much because the person has to absorb the concept of
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  consequence. Person has to recognize a = B.
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  If I mess up actually something, when he tells the Jewish, he
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  curses all the curses we have. And so we have these curses.
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  We we say we have all these curses in the ta da and we never
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  want them to happen and they're supposed to never happen.
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  But why they're there? They're there to be a guardrail
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  for a person to mold themselves. And accountability is the
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  greatest thing a person can have.
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  If I, let's say, you know, if I no, it's like giving a personal
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  example. Before I had anything to do with
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  money, I had no constant of money.
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  I didn't have constant of money. Even during my early years of
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  Coleto, I didn't have much of constant of money.
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  Then I came into build a bigger family and then this shoe.
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  And all of a sudden I know if I spend the wrong way, they will
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  not, will not be able to pay our bills.
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  If I do something that's not smart and not calculated, I'll
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  be in big trouble. I'll be in hot water.
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  You have accountability. You become a different person.
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  You become smarter and clearer financially in every way, right?
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  The best way to raise a person, to teach a person how to work is
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  to give them a sense of accountability.
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  I know there are certain people who have they're way well off
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  and they don't give their children endless money, like
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  build their children a house, whatever it is.
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  They give them a lot, but they won't give them endless money.
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  Everything has to be calculated. And at first it seems like it's
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  almost like not fair. Don't believe me The kid has
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  money the parents have money. Who are we fooling?
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  What are we doing? But the reality is they treat
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  their children they raise their children to be developed people
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  because when a person recognizes consequence and a person
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  recognizes it as a result and they develop accountability and
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  they're molded and our generation today is a lost arc.
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  This is a son that's really going to the way to the to the
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  side and saying they were not well sure I've been with Tommy
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  Binaya's sale. Why is it telling them now these
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  are not the people who are committed this sin.
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  Even he's talking to people who did not commit to Sina Vega.
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  Why is he telling them on the most beautiful day when they're
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  about to go in talking about going to they tell them now why
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  he's about to die and they're going in.
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  He says by the way, you committed a terrible sinkhole to
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  go in the cab. You know good people.
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  Why you tell them that he wants them to recognize do not think
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  that life was without consequence.
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  I really believe in this day and age.
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  This is my soapbox little opinion and this an agent is to
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  the side. This has been pushed aside
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  because of a difficult term. Now, why, why does this happen?
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  If I had to ask you, why is it that today we've gotten rid of
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  to a degree, got rid of discipline, got rid of
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  consequence? We're always, you know,
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  welcoming people back in. And I'll tell you the reason, I
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  think, and this is across the border, maybe with children, no
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  matter what adults, the reason really is, is because we're too
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  afraid or very afraid of the other side.
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  What are we afraid of? If I give too much discipline to
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  my children, what am I fearful of then they may not be so close
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  to me. I'm afraid.
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  Even worse, I'm afraid it's going to lead to I know in the
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  yeshiva system talking about I I went to the most that's called
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  yeshiva's yeshiva system in the world.
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  OK, I went to Lakewood and Israel and Lakewood and the most
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  yeshiva she gets. And originally the yeshiva
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  system was a very time discipline to to an extreme.
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  You came late to something, you got find you got penalized, you
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  can get suspended, you can get expelled on a time it was very
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  tough. Now it's much more LAX.
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  Do you know why? The whole yeshiva system much
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  more LAX. The reason is because they're so
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  afraid of the other side. There's so many children law,
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  you know, who have gone astray. So many children in the issue
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  resist them who have gone are left to fold.
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  It's a terrible epidemic. It's a it's a crazy challenge
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  they're facing. So because of that, because of
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  that, they reran the system and now the system is about love and
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  warmth and no having a good time and making comes to this and
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  making some fun. And barbecues change the whole
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  system to revamp the whole system because of that fear.
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  But I believe that there has to be a middle ground.
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  And the middle ground is, yes, there's something called
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  repercussions reactions. Or share it around with Tony
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  Benignis. Hashem loves you, but at the
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  same time He punishes. So they need to be fearful, yes,
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  because they have to realize there is discipline, there's
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  molding, there's consequence, and there's accountability.
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  Every child who's raised without accountability, you know that we
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  know this to be the case in America, the children of rich
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  parents. I say rich because I'm talking
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  about those people who live, you know, out there, children of
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  rich parents. How many of them have the
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  ability to go to work every day, actually put in the time?
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  How many of them have the ability to actually develop a
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  new idea? They might go through college,
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  got by maybe, but they also have very wacky ideas in college
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  because it's the same structure. How many of them have the
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  ability to do what you did, which is actually mold
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  themselves and work very hard because they never dealt with a
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  bad day, they never dealt with consequence, they never dealt
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  with loss. They never do anything.
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  It's been a silver powder platter and a silver spoon their
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  entire life. And it actually does them no
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  good, does them harm. So Moshe is telling us, and I
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  think the trial is telling us, is a world of discipline with
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  love, is a world of consequence with a cushion.
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  That has to be destruction. I think has to be destruction
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  going forward, which is we do away with the old way.
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  No longer do we have the slipper anymore.
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  No longer do we have the belt. All right.
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  I can never even think about threatening my kids.
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  They're a slipper or a belt. You try.
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  Have you tried? I say I bring you back.
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  They're not still up. Hey, they laugh, they laugh.
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  They know. They know it's coming.
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  They know it's coming. They know that there's those
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  things. Kind of just the whole
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  generation. Yeah, it's before you.
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  That was basically close to L score.
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  That's douching the other way. I understand.
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  I need the reason they did away that.
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  Because that's an abuse. Also true.
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  That's they got to an extreme too much.
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  Aren't you 1000 percent, 1000%? You need somewhere down the
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  middle. Apparently you need to return.
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  Or Agon. David in the 60s was go to the
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  principal and I don't even want to say what happened and then go
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  home and my mother with the slipper and my hair out of my
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  head. Then wait till your father gets
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  home. Sir.
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  Right. So I I don't win this one of
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  those. And I and I appreciate every
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  beating I got. It taught me a lot.
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  Yeah. What to do with you?
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  Please, I have to. This is the balance on the one
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  end. It was all over the place in the
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  old days. They talk about it.
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  They talk about all the laws of a father hitting your child, all
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  these things. And today it's never done and
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  it's not done for a good reason. It should not be done.
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  That's reality. If a father does do this, he's
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  probably abusive. That's truth.
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  But because coming from anger, it's coming from a different
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  place. Well, that's true.
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  The world has changed you. You go through the process how
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  the world has changed. The parents relationship with
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  their children is much more. I was once working in IT, I
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  don't know one of these stores and I heard a child, non Jewish
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  referring to his parent by their name.
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  I said they'd. However I heard another person
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  say my best friend is my mom. Your mom is not your best
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  friend. You're very close to her.
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  You're very very close. She's not your best friend
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  because best friends talk with each other, best friends guys
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  around, you're very close to them.
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  Nothing wrong with that. You should be extremely close.
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  You rely on her, you talk to her, you talk to all the time.
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  You have a good time, everything's great.
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  But I think you tell me if I'm wrong, but my mindset is if you
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  take the best friend approach too far, then you run into this
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  exact same problem. So again, the world is very
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  soft. We know that.
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  We know everyone across the board.
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  I'm talking about from the most strong yeshivish, whatever is
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  across the world. The whole system has changed and
• 19:00
  it's softened the entire blow in America and Israel across the
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  March. But everywhere it's only soft.
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  It's not soft in many countries. And LJ for exactly those.
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  America's soft. America has a soft mentality.
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  A lot of it comes from this. Nice.
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  Soft huh, China? 'S not soft exactly, but you
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  know what, at the same time the Chinese, you know, little crazy,
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  but they're still moles in their children and the children are
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  still hard workers, obviously a little bit nutty.
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  We have to find, we have to find the happy medium.
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  I believe I'm talking to myself just to say when I started
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  raising my children, in the beginning, I was OK.
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  So how are you doing? A great job.
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  Yeah. Pretty much.
• 19:42
  Shame for math. OK, this is trying to.
• 19:44
  I was the beginning as part of the structure problem.
• 19:47
  Beginning my mother was a tough one.
• 19:49
  You can imagine. My father, he never hit a soul,
• 19:53
  ever. He never yelled, ever.
• 19:56
  Literally ever. He never got angry, ever.
• 19:59
  So I thought, that's the structure, you know, the wife
• 20:02
  gets, you know, you know, what's it called?
• 20:03
  Get disciplined. And the father of Mr. Happy Guy,
• 20:06
  Mr. Nice Guy, as I thought. And it backfired in the
• 20:09
  beginning. It backfired, which means I saw
• 20:11
  that my kids could run right over you make do whatever they
• 20:14
  want and there's no discipline and there's no punishment.
• 20:18
  And they just keep asking. And every kid expects, you know,
• 20:21
  a birthday present. And then this president,
• 20:23
  president. So I realized that the whole
• 20:25
  structure's off right. And even though I like to be a
• 20:28
  soft person and I don't really like confrontation at all, as
• 20:31
  you know, I realized that a parent has to have a line, has
• 20:37
  to have that discipline. And I'm only doing my chosen A
• 20:40
  disservice when I miss a softy all the time, when I miss a nice
• 20:44
  guy all the time. And that's really the point.
• 20:46
  The point is you have to have accountability.
• 20:48
  Our today is built on accountability and our homes
• 20:52
  should be built on that same accountability, which means they
• 20:55
  get and they get and they get. Find me a child today that
• 20:59
  doesn't get what he wants pretty much.
• 21:00
  Oh, we don't know that doesn't get what he wants.
• 21:03
  All right. I don't.
• 21:03
  I don't know what child I'm not thinking about again.
• 21:05
  Again, this is across the board. I'm spending my summers and
• 21:08
  weekdays in Lakewood. Yeah, across the bar.
• 21:10
  I'm in Lakewood. Every kid has exactly what he
• 21:12
  wants. Every bike, every this.
• 21:14
  In fact, when I had this bike struggle, right, the bike
• 21:16
  conversation. My son still does on a bike.
• 21:18
  When I was a bike conversation. No, I took a little bike.
• 21:20
  So he he went great on the 500. I said, I'll see you later.
• 21:24
  I took another bike to him and I'm walking.
• 21:26
  I said now. I said, after that conversation,
• 21:28
  I said, let me look around in Lakewood, NJ.
• 21:30
  What do kids get a judge based on that can deals, Specialized,
• 21:37
  other companies, Schwinn's, these are the $500 bikes.
• 21:40
  I said one SEC, where am I? I'm sure there's some other
• 21:44
  bikes. What's the Huffy's there too?
• 21:45
  But I said, where am I right? I realized the world across the
• 21:50
  board gives their children that may they maybe they have charts
• 21:53
  and maybe they have takes a minute and maybe they have to be
• 21:55
  a birthday present. But eventually, because we love
• 21:57
  our children so much, because we care about them so much, we give
• 22:01
  them what they want by the same time we're doing them with the
• 22:04
  service. So we have to figure out a way.
• 22:06
  And again, this takes a lot of work, how we can display clear
• 22:11
  understanding of consequence, which means if you do something
• 22:15
  wrong, you get docked. Do you remember the corner?
• 22:19
  Oh yeah, the corner and you're in the court on your lease.
• 22:23
  Give it to them, but make it difficult for them to make make
• 22:26
  a structure make it develop them.
• 22:28
  The point of all this why don't we give our children so much.
• 22:30
  We love them we want we're hurting them when we love them
• 22:33
  right. If we do it the wrong way, we're
• 22:34
  hurting them. We make them more spoiled.
• 22:36
  We make them have everything, We make them not believes anything
• 22:39
  wrong with making a mistake, getting into a fight right now
• 22:43
  when a child gets into a fight, every time a child gets into a
• 22:45
  fight, natural reaction of the mother is my child is right.
• 22:48
  It used to be the old days, my child is wrong.
• 22:51
  Now it's only my child is right. I understand the love, I
• 22:54
  appreciate the love, but at the same time, you're enabling them
• 22:57
  to think that there's nothing that's going to come out of
• 23:00
  their mistakes. The development of a person
• 23:03
  comes when they recognize A = B Discipline, consequence molds a
• 23:10
  person. Again, I'm talking like Mr.
• 23:12
  Tough Car. I might be the softest guy you
• 23:14
  know, and I might be, you see my child running around.
• 23:17
  You see, I don't really like this one like that.
• 23:19
  But at times I realize that you're doing a disservice.
• 23:23
  I think this is the structure. It has to be going forward,
• 23:25
  which is the one hand. We're the softest, most loving
• 23:29
  parents of life. We no longer can be distant from
• 23:32
  our children, all right? We can't be not talking to them
• 23:36
  every day. We talk to them every day.
• 23:37
  We're warm to them all the time. We talk to them in a night.
• 23:41
  We we tell them all good things. We give them Kazuk.
• 23:43
  All these things have to be We spend shout out with them.
• 23:46
  We spend someone something with them all right.
• 23:50
  But the idea that a parent, you know, sweats over their child
• 23:54
  and goes crazy over their child and then at the same time
• 23:58
  enables them to do the wrong thing is actually creating in a
• 24:03
  certain sense, the monster mentality that children can have
• 24:07
  or they believe that they have backing and no one's ever going
• 24:10
  to tell them all they believe that.
• 24:12
  And why would they do anything? Why would they not do what they
• 24:14
  want? Have you had built this be a
• 24:16
  million times? Have you had to show that child
• 24:18
  that took whatever he wants and his parent doesn't tell him it's
• 24:21
  a bad idea. Why not right?
• 24:23
  Who's going to tell him to stop? Who's going to stop him?
• 24:26
  Where is he repercussions. So when he's 30 years old, I'll
• 24:28
  stop. In our life, the mindset has to
• 24:32
  be I mold and the way I mold is through the structure, I believe
• 24:37
  to the warmth and through the tough.
• 24:39
  At the same time, Hashem is the exact same way.
• 24:41
  He's a Hami Mendin, a Hami Mendin mixing back and forth.
• 24:44
  They strengthen his mercy, mercy and strength.
• 24:46
  Why does he got to do it this way?
• 24:47
  Make a clear path, guard path. The guard path is not just a
• 24:51
  storm clear path. The clear path is both our
• 24:54
  families, our homes, our our employees, everyone that we're
• 24:58
  on top of need to be treated with that concept.
• 25:01
  Even a rabbi, by the way, of course, even a rabbi has to have
• 25:04
  a little bit of both. He can't just be warm, warm, old
• 25:07
  time. He's afraid.
• 25:08
  He's the loser. Confident.
• 25:09
  I understand. So you don't do anything that's
• 25:10
  tough, but you do something that's moldy.
• 25:13
  The best thing you can do is mold a person, and you build and
• 25:16
  you develop and you create a person that way.
• 25:18
  We'll start with this.