Latest / MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose / Episode 137: The Soft Skills Nobody Teaches (But Every Kid Needs) with Kari Kampakis

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Episode 137: The Soft Skills Nobody Teaches (But Every Kid Needs) with Kari Kampakis · MESSmerized - Funny and faith based encouragement in marriage , family , Christian parenting , and finding purpose

• 0:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: This is Cynthia Gannoff, and you are listening to the mesmerized podcast.
• 0:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: Hey friends, welcome to the podcast.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_04]: Glad you're here today.
• 0:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: I was in college station where my middle goes to college this last weekend, and I was speaking to some amazing women at Grace Bubble Church shout out.
• 0:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I was made aware that not everybody knows I have more than one podcast.
• 0:32
  [SPEAKER_04]: So I'm gonna start with a little PSA,
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: I am on a show called SideTrack with Heather McFadion and it is literally us being side tracked by all things in life and it's silly and technically under the comedy section of podcasts and so if you're looking for something funny to laugh at with minimal, minimal, useful value, that's the one for you.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm also on one called feeding them out with the bite you and that is for anyone raising teens and Dr. Ken Wilgus, psychologist, amazing,
• 1:05
  [SPEAKER_04]: He feeds into, literally, no pun intended, how to raise teenagers well.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so, I'm on that one kind of just as a host, and then obviously you're here, you know about mesmerize.
• 1:14
  [SPEAKER_04]: So, I am going to tell you a story that I also told on sidetracks.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: So if you do overlap between the two, you're probably gonna hear this twice, but I'm gonna share this with the mesmerized family because I think you'll laugh in a lot of you relate to this.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: But I have,
• 1:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: Put a girl through college and I've gone to visit her college many times and I just went and visited my son And there's a big difference between visiting a girl in college versus visiting a boy your son in college And so when you go visit a girl like when you pull up in front of her apartment or house Whatever she knows you're there.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_03]: She's already waiting out front.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: She's getting she's been following you on live 360 She runs out usually with a friend or two so excited
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_03]: telling you about dinner reservations and all the friends she wants to take to dinner with us and that she wants to run by this boutique she knows you're gonna love and then before you go in she wants you to see the new jeans she bought and they fit okay and it's a whole thing you go to dinner and afterwards they have their favorite cookie place and it opens in eight and you go over there and then you go watch the sunset somewhere with the cookie in hand and then you go back to her house and you stay there because mom why would you want to stay in a hotel like this is how this whole thing goes
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_03]: Well, I pull up this weekend to see my son.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_03]: I went a little bit early before I spoke this weekend in college station and I texted him and said, I'm here and he's like, oh, I forgot.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_03]: I have a test have to take online.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: I'll be done in a few minutes.
• 2:36
  [SPEAKER_03]: Next 20 minutes or so.
• 2:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Okay.
• 2:38
  [SPEAKER_03]: Then he comes down, he gets a car, he's like, set mom.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I said, okay, where are we going to dinner and he started with a reference to maybe going to Chipotle to which I made a reference to driving back home if he didn't come up with something a little better.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_03]: And so he thought and thought and finally he came up with a place and I figured out he was trying to find a place where he would not be caught on a Friday night with his mom looking like he was on a date with her in college stations.
• 3:03
  [SPEAKER_03]: So we went to this quaint, amazing little Italian place kind of far from campus and we had a great time.
• 3:09
  [SPEAKER_03]: And I asked him a lot of questions and here's the thing about boys.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_03]: They don't want to answer a lot of questions.
• 3:15
  [SPEAKER_03]: You have like five max and you know that you've asked too many questions or at least I know with my son when he starts repeating the question.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_03]: So I say, do you feel like you've made a lot of friends?
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't know, Mom, do you feel like you've made a lot of friends?
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_03]: Okay.
• 3:30
  [SPEAKER_03]: Have you changed your sheets?
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_03]: I don't know, Mom, have you changed your sheets?
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_03]: All right, well, that's the end of that.
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_03]: So we finished dinner and we are leaving.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_03]: He says, all right, you ready for me to take you back to the hotel, and I was like, it's 705 p.m. Like, what am I going to go to the hotel yet?
• 3:45
  [SPEAKER_03]: But okay, so I said, give me a flavor of the town, of college life, of college stations.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_03]: So I wanted kind of a little tour, maybe see some of his favorite spots on the campus.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_03]: He drove me by the crunch gym.
• 3:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, where he works out, we went by a driving range.
• 4:02
  [SPEAKER_04]: And then finally, he said, oh, I know, I know, I've got the perfect place, I thought, okay, he's finally got what I'm looking for, the taste of campus life.
• 4:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: And we ended our tour at Academy Sports Goods, the sporting goods store.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_04]: So that was kind of how it went, everybody.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I loved every minute with him, but that's a difference between visiting a girl in college and visiting a boy in college.
• 4:24
  [SPEAKER_04]: But I love him both, so fun weekend.
• 4:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: And this weekend I'm going to Memphis.
• 4:29
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so if you're in the Memphis area, DM me, and I will let you know if you details on that.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: So all of that being said, today we have Carrie come back as with us and I got to go spend some time with Carrie and Birmingham with her a couple of months ago and we taped a few shows and she's going to speak into raising girls from a girls perspective and soft skills what are the soft skills our kids need and I'm going to weigh in a little bit on the boys and raising boys.
• 4:56
  [SPEAKER_04]: And it's just a fun conversation.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're doing two weeks with Carrie Compacas.
• 5:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: We taped two shows.
• 5:01
  [SPEAKER_04]: So this is the first one.
• 5:03
  [SPEAKER_04]: And then next week, we will have our second edition.
• 5:05
  [SPEAKER_04]: So I'm thrilled to have her with us.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_04]: I am a big fan of Carrie Compacas.
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I know you will be if you are not already.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: So let's kick it off today with Carrie Compacas.
• 5:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: Harry, come pack us, we are together in the same town in the same room.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Finally.
• 5:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Finally, I know.
• 5:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: I feel like we've already met before, but I guess we haven't.
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: I know, my friends that are in town with me with.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_04]: everyone, so you know, I'm in Birmingham and I may never go back to Dallas because it's so beautiful and so here we are in Carey's house on my first one.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_04]: Have you not met before?
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_04]: I said, yeah, and I was like, I'm not sure we have.
• 5:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: We've done a lot of work together, you're sweet and endorsed my new book and we've podcasted together and we've talked on the phone, but this is it?
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know.
• 5:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: I know.
• 5:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: You get to visit Mountainbrook.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_04]: Oh my goodness.
• 5:53
  [SPEAKER_04]: So guys, if you haven't been to Birmingham, it's time for a trip to Birmingham, especially in the
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it is.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's with snow vimber right now.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think we're airing this in the spring, but right now snow vimber and the leaves are beautiful.
• 6:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is one of my favorite times of year.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, so pretty.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so it's fun that we decided we wanted to do something together and we were going to tape some shows and release them on both of our shows, which is super fun.
• 6:14
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so two podcasts are trying to not interview each other.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: It's going to be interesting.
• 6:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: I know.
• 6:20
  [SPEAKER_04]: The hope is it's just a conversation today, but just so everybody kind of knows if people are listening to yours or not mine or vice versa, let's just tell everybody in each other kind of where we are in life with kids and all the things.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
• 6:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: I have four girls.
• 6:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: They are ages.
• 6:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Let's see 15.
• 6:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: My one left at home.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: 19, a freshman at Auburn, 20, a junior at Alabama, and then 23.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: My oldest daughter is in grad school back here in Birmingham and as an occupational therapist.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: Wow.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_04]: Wow.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_04]: So all the ages.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: All the ages.
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: What about you?
• 6:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: I have one that is 22, just graduated from the University of Texas.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_04]: I have one that is 18, and he's at A&M University, which
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: for those of you that don't live in the Texas area, those are huge rivals.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's what they say, you're like, that's like the Alabama Auburn.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, exactly.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: So, and then my youngest, brace yourself, is in third grade.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: So, out of college, in college, in third grade.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's awesome.
• 7:13
  [SPEAKER_04]: A late adoption from foster care, the little one, and he is for sure going to keep me humble and all my toes and close to the Lord.
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, if you aren't already a prayer warrior you will be now.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_04]: Absolutely.
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so we were thinking about this in topics and you had suggested you're like, let's talk about soft skills with our kids something that we overlook and I thought that was really
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_04]: a brilliant thing to consider because of all the things we focus on.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_04]: We don't focus or I didn't.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know, did you?
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: On these soft skills like maybe we should and I read an article yesterday that was talking about how with the rise of AI that soft skills are going to be the different differentiators.
• 7:57
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so they were saying like you're
• 7:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: and we'll define soft skills and hard skills, but you know, like your resume, your measurable things will get you the job, but your soft skills will get you the promotions.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_04]: They will get you the better job.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so I thought that, wow, like that's something we should consider.
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_04]: So good call, Kerry, can you ask us?
• 8:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm a head of my times, so true, and this become one of my biggest messages for girls, and I can say that after a parenting for 23 years, and I'm sure you're seeing this, you know, I'm an oldest daughter and her friends, and the girls that I started writing for, you know, with my first book, they're now at a college and getting jobs and going to grad school, and you start noticing you're like, who's getting jobs, who's getting into med school, like who's seeing these doors open,
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so many times, again, and again, you're saying that it is the soft skills.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm not saying that the numbers don't matter because, you know, if you're applying to med school, you've got to have a certain criteria, you've got to meet a certain bar.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: But when you have 1,000 people or 5,000 people apply for 36 spots or 72 spots, whatever it is in a program,
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: what's going to send somebody over the top or those imaginal things like it's personality, you know, optimism, just a fun person to be around a great outlook on life, resilience, just those soft skills.
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: And as pain as a young mom, I never thought about that.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: You don't realize that you're building it, just as your children are growing social skills and how they're going to need those skills and it could be the game changer.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: All right.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
• 9:22
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think in advantage I have now of parenting a little when and after having adult kids like I actually get to look at it differently and I have a different lens and I would say one of the main things I look at now like from a different lens from my first to is that what seems most important in the moment when it comes to parenting almost never is.
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like it seems like it's always the most important thing is, you know, getting on the right soccer team, being in the right friend group, making sure they're included in this or that or that this particular tutor, whatever your things are that you think and it's not that those things don't matter, but now knowing what I know, those things they have a shelf life and what doesn't have a shelf life is character and kindness and work ethic and perseverance and all these soft skills, like those don't have a shelf life, those are the things that
• 10:08
  [SPEAKER_04]: They matter long term.
• 10:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so I love it.
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're talking on it.
• 10:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: Let's kind of define it.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_04]: And by the way, I don't know if you did carry that I didn't like do some huge research into the actual definition.
• 10:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm just going off a kind of things I've read and what I think it is.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_04]: But do you have in your mind, like what is a soft skill versus what is not a soft skill?
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you know, I think it's just those things we can't measure like a great personality.
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Somebody who just likes people and is good with people, just so social skills.
• 10:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Coachability is huge, you know, you talk to any coach, I know some people who are very successful coaches like I'd much rather have.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: an average athlete with a great attitude, then a star who is entitled, you know, nobody wants and know it all, nobody wants somebody who's not coachable, whether that is a team or a classroom or wherever you are or business.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I just think, you know, and even recently, I was talking to our friend and we were talking about a guy that we both knew from college and I was like, oh, yeah, I remember him, my friend, her husband is friends with the sky and I was like,
• 11:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: the me but he was always just like a great personality so fun to talk to and she's like yes that personality is taken him for that her son had actually in turn formed this summer and he's killing it he is making a fortune um but she's like he doesn't do the work you know he's other people doing the work behind the scenes but he's the face man you know he's the one the personality and her son was like mom you should see him with clients he is amazing wow
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: And, and I'm like, I believe it, like that's what, that was the first thing I said about him.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: He had a great personality.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: He was just so likable.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: He, you know, was the type of person, even in college, you're talking to him, remember your name, same genuinely, interest in you, you know, as a girl, not like from a flirtatious standpoint.
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: My little sister actually went out with him some time, so I knew him that way, but anyway, it's just very interesting to hear that.
• 11:54
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:55
  [SPEAKER_04]: Well, and I think, especially as, as Christians, as
• 11:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: moms that are believers and we care about the long-term and we care about the eternal things.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_04]: At the end of the day, the things that are not measurable are usually the most god-honoring things our kids will do on any given day.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, obviously it matters what my kids ACT score is.
• 12:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: If our kids go to college, if they don't, that's great too.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: But that matters, and in their grade point matters, and maybe how fast they can run around the track, like those are all measurable things, and it's not that they're insignificant, but as believers, the things we want most from our kids, most God honoring things on any given day, are not measurable.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_04]: And that's like, be nice to the kid and the cafeteria.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: Be respectful of the teacher when others aren't.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_04]: Take yourself off of the text red, that is unkind, or whatever's going on.
• 12:42
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like, there's a million ways that our kids every day can do the most God honoring thing that matters.
• 12:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: that is not measurable, but it's important.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so we as a culture, we don't, we don't reward those things.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like I'm not going to make the Instagram post and be like, hey everyone, my kid took themselves off a mean text, but I'm like, right, weird, right.
• 13:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: You're not going to get called to the front of the cafeteria.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_04]: for the big award because hey just so you know they've been sitting by someone in the cafeteria like that doesn't happen and so right we have to care about those things you have to emphasize those and celebrate them and celebrate them as moms and they not only
• 13:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, they're God honoring and they have eternal impact, but they also as we're seeing here They're at the soft skills that actually make a difference for the longevity of their life So mm-hmm, you know, now that they can do this is why I think grandparents and that older generation are so important because they get it And I was telling Harry that the day is like it's really a shame that when you become a parent You don't know any of this you really don't know what is so important to instill But at this point in time, I have such a clear vision you do too.
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: I cannot wait to be a grandparent to be able to do these things that you realize intentionally that are so important.
• 13:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Even the gratitude, like every year at Halloween, you know, hearing our life is so different now because it used to be Halloween, we were chasing kids around the neighborhood, could barely keep up, right?
• 14:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: But two years ago, I'll never forget we were sitting on our front porch swing, we're that couple now we just sit on the swing and pass out candy and watch all the young kids and families and a lot of the kids have their grandparents with them too.
• 14:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: And there's this one little boy he came up our driveway got some candy went back down and he was with his grandfather and his grandfather leaned over very patiently whispered in his ear and kind of pointed to us.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: He made a little boy go all the way back up the driveway and tell us thank you and it just hit me I'm like this is why we need grandparents.
• 14:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was like as a young mom I knew that that was important But I didn't have time to make my kids do that.
• 14:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was my other child was running down the street and I had to go chase after them Yeah, but like now I'm like he is teaching that boy just such a crucial the soft skills That you know could make the difference in him getting the job or him seeing that door open You know the things that the things that he wants to happen.
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, which is, by the way, me, I'm grandparenting my youngest child.
• 14:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, exactly.
• 14:55
  [SPEAKER_04]: Or at least that glows in the classroom when they see me.
• 14:57
  [SPEAKER_04]: You're like, oh, it must be grandmother.
• 14:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm like, no, I'm not.
• 14:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: But I just looked like it.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: Thank you.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 15:01
  [SPEAKER_04]: Well, let's hit a couple of them.
• 15:03
  [SPEAKER_04]: There's so many that you've already mentioned that we could cover.
• 15:05
  [SPEAKER_04]: But you and I thought we would talk about a couple that came to mind.
• 15:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so we were going to address this a little bit as a maving and boy mom, although I do have a daughter, too.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_04]: But
• 15:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: Raising two boys and you coming at it from a girl mom perspective, and so that'll kind of ring True and what we're saying as we go through this, but let's start with Communication and conflict.
• 15:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, and in really conflict resolution right is what we're talking about.
• 15:31
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, and so which let's I was thinking about this like Boys versus girls and how they communicate and how they handle conflict and how important it is to really
• 15:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: To focus on those things and I think with boys and everyone's different, but it's especially showing up for my son right now I sent a girl to college first and I was like, oh, devastated I mean just can't believe she won't be in our home and then she called every 12 minutes for the next four years And I knew I would think going on and I was like, oh, it wasn't so bad But now I've sent a boy to college and I think this kind of speaks
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_04]: to how this plays out with communication, like he's great, but I hear from him when he needs something, not in a bad way, but we'll talk to other things, but he's very, um, there's a like goal-oriented in his way he communicates, like he needs to know something, get something, ask something, and then we have other, and that's okay, but, um, talk to us just a little bit about that.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like, if we're talking about soft skills, let's talk about communication first, I guess with our kids and how important that is in with girls.
• 16:29
  [SPEAKER_04]: How do we do this well, practically with any of our
• 16:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, especially with girls, girls are so relationship driven.
• 16:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I mean, I would say 99% of the emails that I get from girls and moms about the heartache they're facing.
• 16:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: It all boils down to relationships and usually their friendships.
• 16:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: And they're struggling in friendships and I think one thing that they're really struggling is conflict resolution.
• 16:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: And sadly, we live in this age of disposable friendships.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: We live in an age where people are just writing off their friends.
• 16:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: And even their family members left and right.
• 16:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: and, you know, calling everyone toxic and, you know, some people are toxic, but I'm like not everybody is toxic and the sad thing is what I see as I see that we're going to have a generation of boys and girls who like have no long-term relationships because they don't, they don't know which relationships are worth fighting for, they don't know how to resolve conflict.
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: But, you know, my friends and I've talked about this, like, I don't think anybody can have a long-term relationship without some season that's hard or some season where you wonder will we be friends again or will we get through this?
• 17:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, you've got to learn how to get through those seasons.
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: And, you know, nobody teaches us conflict resolution, but one of my big messages because it's probably mostly moms listening is like, you know, when you and your daughter fight or you and your son fight, you know, you really can look at that as an opportunity.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: like that is your chance to teach them how to argue well, how to be respectful, how to be able to state your point, but not burn bridges.
• 17:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And now that, you know, it's actually the perfect place for our kids to learn that because they're not going to lose our love.
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, like they might a friend's love and, you know, when we really can teach them that conflict resolution skill,
• 17:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we're really setting them up to win in all the relationships and even I've heard it said that in marriage, the number one predictor of whether a marriage will last is how well the couple can work through conflict.
• 18:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
• 18:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: And as John Gottman said that, he's like the expert on marriage and relationships.
• 18:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so, you know, when I read that I think, you know, if we teach them how to do that well under our roof coach them in that.
• 18:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: then we're sending them up to win in their marriage and their career everything because we all know adults who have lost jobs or spouses or friends because they just blow up or they just you know write people off and they don't know how to resolve conflict.
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah and it seems like and and this is again I'm over generalizing but with boys I think they with communication and or conflict I think they tend to withdraw more whereas girls
• 18:49
  [SPEAKER_04]: get into it too soon without really assessing the situation.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_04]: Do you think that's a yes?
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think they can let their emotions take control.
• 18:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: And they, yeah, yeah, emotional regulation is huge.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And even like I would tell my girls when they're growing up, I'm like, you know, when they're getting feisty or spicy with me.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, I get it.
• 19:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, you know, they're days, you know, especially at that time of the month.
• 19:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, like, I remember there are days.
• 19:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: I wanted to claw somebody's eyes out.
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, but you've got to have that self-awareness to be like, you know, uh, this is maybe I don't need to be around people today.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, or I need to apologize.
• 19:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: I need to tell them in advance that I'm just in a bad mood.
• 19:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, I could be easily triggered just having that self-awareness.
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then if you do blow up, don't make a habit of that go back.
• 19:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: Circle back around repair what you just did.
• 19:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Apologize and own up to it.
• 19:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: And you know most of us are not taught this.
• 19:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was never taught this and I share the story all the time I shared in my new book, but you know when I was growing up we grew up in a family of five kids We were not taught we were not taught how to resolve conflict.
• 19:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: We got to fight my sisters And I just didn't speak for three days and then we start talking.
• 19:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: It was assumed to be over
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: So that was what I brought into my parenting and it sort of calls in a lot of problems with my daughter.
• 19:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I had to learn to go back and circle back around, be the first one to own up to my responsibility, my mistake.
• 20:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so worth it, that's what led me to love her well, because I'm like, I'm not losing my relationship with my daughter.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I know that I will, if I don't learn how to resolve this conflict and get through the arguing.
• 20:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: So yeah, yeah, and so practically speaking, I think if we can help our kids,
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: learn to listen, listen first, right before you speak, own your part like you're saying, ask questions, like get curious about what the conflict is, what's going on.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think that's something I'm trying to really work with my kids, with my boys in particular, I too,
• 20:30
  [SPEAKER_04]: to help and encourage them to invest when it would be easier with draw or move on to really invest in people.
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_04]: But I would say one other thing that I think my mom taught me well that I hope my kids learn is that it's in friendship and really just in our relationships.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_04]: It's not all about you.
• 20:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so there are times when maybe it would be easier, and I'm not talking about toxic relationships where we need to get out of some of those, but there's lots of hard relationships that we still need to be in.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: That our kids still need to be in, that it's not all about your easier comfort and your fun, that sometimes as specialised believers, like listen, we need to be, I always refer to as carrying the mat.
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like the paralytic and the Bible, the buddies carried him.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_04]: on his mat to Jesus.
• 21:14
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
• 21:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like, we are called to carry some mats.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_04]: We don't need to be sent them at down because we got offended or they didn't, you know, they asked my friend out or they didn't invite me to this, like, don't set down the mat too early.
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_04]: Your call is to bring people before Jesus.
• 21:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yes.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: And that requires that we are persistent and that we, we do the hard things and so
• 21:33
  [SPEAKER_04]: in relationships as we communicate and we work through conflict resolution.
• 21:37
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think remembering sometimes it like the end of the day, it isn't about us.
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: It's about something much larger than us and where they are in their faith walk and their spiritual life and where their eternity lies and how we can be with us to other people around us by how we resolve conflict.
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I love that and I also think it's good for our kids like going back to the self-awareness like it's really good to know how to them understand that people are different and conflicts really can lead to a lot can help you become closer actually because you learn about the person so say you and I you know we're best friends and say you like to tease me at lunch and you're tough you know you're you don't get your feelings heart easily and so you tease me and you think it's funny because if somebody was doing that to you you would laugh at it you wouldn't hurt your feelings
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: but I'm a very sensitive soul and so like when you're doing it it just hurts me and I'm just cringing and I'm embarrassed and so but you don't know that because that's not your personality and so to be able to go back to the person like saying that situation you know not not to do it necessarily in front of everyone but because I say hey
• 22:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love you and I don't want to lose our relationship and that's why I want to say something.
• 22:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: But when you tease me at lunch, it really hurts my feelings and then you would hopefully say, oh, I'm so sorry.
• 22:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: I had no idea.
• 22:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that leads to a whole new conversation where you're learning about each other.
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: And, you know, that's one thing I will say having four kids that, you know, really was helpful because they have so many different personality traits and, you know, I did have some that were sent to them and some that were more thick skin and I'm like y'all are here to learn from each other and they really did and I would have so many conversations like this might not hurt your feelings, but it hurts your sister's feelings and so you need to be aware of that.
• 23:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then the one who was really sensitive like, you know, we got to learn how to have a tender heart, but a thick skin, because people are going to be even more hurtful than what your sister said, you know, like you're going to face something, and that's just the reality of a broken world, and so just really teaching our kids those skills and like trying to look at the person that look at the situation through their perspective, even if you don't agree with it, but to understand down the road, you know, okay, that's hard.
• 23:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's going to hurt her feelings.
• 23:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not going to taste her about that.
• 23:38
  [SPEAKER_04]: Because in your example, there's not a right or wrong or a black and white, like it's just differences and how we're created and how we interact and it may be that
• 23:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: What works in your home is working in your home, but when you go to college, you're gonna see all personalities.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 23:52
  [SPEAKER_04]: And you leave the home.
• 23:53
  [SPEAKER_04]: You go to work place, like your Boston care that you get your feelings hurt when, you know, they're a little disswear though.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Right.
• 23:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: Do you have to figure out how that works?
• 24:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: So, yes.
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_04]: I love that you're saying, let's do it at home and let's start by how we resolve conflict within our home and even our girl friendships.
• 24:07
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I think we'll get this later, but as women, how are we resolving conflict with our friends?
• 24:12
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so, I think we'll get that when we get down a little further.
• 24:14
  [SPEAKER_04]: And, okay, soft skill, number two.
• 24:17
  [SPEAKER_04]: adaptability and resilience.
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: I don't know if I did this well with my kids.
• 24:21
  [SPEAKER_04]: Do you feel like you did this well with yours?
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't think so.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I know it was an intentional with it.
• 24:25
  [SPEAKER_04]: Me neither.
• 24:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I do think they develop these skills just because of the hard things they went through.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: We just something I wish at nine as a mom because as a young mom, you just want their life to be perfect.
• 24:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: But you realize when you look back over the 20 years, you're like, gosh, we're really shaped them and help them become awesome.
• 24:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: We're the a lot of the hard things that they went through.
• 24:42
  [SPEAKER_04]: Because we want to rescue, we want to solve it, we want to make the roads easier for them, right?
• 24:48
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so well-intentioned.
• 24:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: And it's an easy way to build a soft skill, this adaptability and resilience is to not do those things.
• 24:56
  [SPEAKER_04]: Is there are occasions, of course, where we step in where we need to be a part of that.
• 25:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: But I read that there was Harvard research done saying the strongest predictor of resilience is kids having one stable supportive adult relationship.
• 25:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I think that's interesting.
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: If that's what creates resilient kids, we can do that.
• 25:15
  [SPEAKER_04]: It didn't say that the predictor was strong parental figure that goes in and fixes it, a strong parental figure that stands up for them.
• 25:23
  [SPEAKER_04]: It doesn't say that, and so I feel like we can be that at home, but still allow them to walk rocky roads and flex that little muscle of resilience and adaptability.
• 25:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: exactly.
• 25:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm reminded of a quote from Tim Keller.
• 25:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: He was talking about marriage, but he basically was saying that marriage is a profound shock absorber when you face adversities in life.
• 25:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he's like being married, having a healthy marriage, you'll recover your equilibrium faster.
• 25:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I thought that is true for every healthy relationship.
• 25:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: We can overcome and get through anything if we've got one or faith and then two solid people in a corner.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I always tell moms
• 26:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Think back on the dark seasons in your life.
• 26:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, it wasn't a posse of 10 friends who got you through it.
• 26:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: It was usually one or two key people.
• 26:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: It might have been a friend, but it might also been your grandmother or your dad or your mom, or whoever, like some key figure.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: And our kids are the same way.
• 26:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like they don't need 10 people helping them get through a hard time.
• 26:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like don't underestimate the value of what you bring to the table as a strong and resilient mom, teaching your kids at skill.
• 26:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: Let's talk on a practical level if we want to, again, build up this muscle of adaptability and resilience.
• 26:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: I was just thinking through this in my own life with my kids, and I should have done this better.
• 26:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: But forcing them to do things they're not good at.
• 26:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think is one of those things.
• 26:46
  [SPEAKER_04]: I have one well my daughter, particularly she's very very athletic and so she loves sports And I feel like all we did with sports, but I realized at some point she avoided all the other things like even recently We were to wedding and she doesn't she's she's not a dancer She's not a good dancer at all.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_04]: It doesn't like like we're wedding and she didn't want to dance like just fun out there But he's dancing having a good time.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: She's like, I'm starting to get dancing.
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_04]: I was like
• 27:08
  [SPEAKER_04]: Who cares?
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like, I think that's part of this having this adaptability resilience is also saying like, we're gonna do some things that aren't natural to us that maybe we're not good at, and praise effort and not outcome.
• 27:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it reminds me of Adam Grant, who is one of my favorite thought leaders, but he said that every year he tries to do something or he attempts a new goal that he knows he probably can't reach.
• 27:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: He sets himself up to do something
• 27:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: just to keep himself in that net habit of getting outside of his comfort zone and pushing himself.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 27:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: And something else I thought about.
• 27:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I just think this is what can we do as parents, is just sometimes just be in there.
• 27:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like you said, we cannot fix a situation, but we can change their perspective of a situation.
• 27:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: And one thing I've been working on this week, and it has ended up being the biggest blessing to me.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: I thought, I'm a dreaded, working on it because I knew it was going to take a lot of time, but my dad's about to turn 90, and so we're doing this photo book for him.
• 28:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so I've been getting all the nephews, and nieces, and my siblings, and spouses, like everybody to send me a picture of them with my dad.
• 28:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: and then also a story about him and I've cried so many times from what these grandkids are writing about him because my dad is that strong, resilient figure like he is my role model and how I want to be is I get older and try to still be a support system to my girls but my nephews was my favorite there's this picture he's in a baseball uniform
• 28:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: with my dad and he's smiling, he's got this huge smile on his face and he's like a debate in which memory to share because I have so many great memories with you, Papa, but he chose this one because that day he'd had the worst game of his life.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he said, I felt like the biggest failure and I just wanted to go into my hotel room and lock myself up and never come out.
• 28:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he said, I didn't even want to take that picture and say he's like, what happened after the game?
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: And my dad was a great athlete.
• 28:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: He was very, he was played for the Cleveland Indians, University of Alabama, all that.
• 29:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: But anyway, so he loves sports.
• 29:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he was always there for his games.
• 29:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: But my nephew said, well, what happened after the game was, y'all walked up to me.
• 29:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he goes, I'll never forget how you smiled.
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: You threw your arm around me.
• 29:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And with calm and tense that you said, you'll get him next time.
• 29:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he said, that was exactly what I needed.
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Everybody else was trying to hide me up or make me feel better or tell me what I could have done differently.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: And he's like, you were the one who gave me the direction I needed.
• 29:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like you could say the future.
• 29:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I found such reassurance in that vision that you had.
• 29:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I thought that's what builds resilient kids.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it was my favorite story in the whole book.
• 29:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 29:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so you just never know that when your kids do fail, they had those disappointments.
• 29:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's our opportunity to really shine as a parent.
• 29:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't know about you, but I can say this.
• 29:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: I have a lot of friends who have lost parents.
• 29:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like I'm just in that season where people have lost their mothers and their fathers.
• 29:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: And one trend that I'm seeing again and again and again, is that when someone loses a parent, the core memory that usually comes back first is how that parent handled a huge disappointment or failure in the child's life.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
• 30:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm just seeing it, this like what keeps coming back is how the parent loved them through that or how they help them find their strength when they didn't have that strength of their own.
• 30:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so I think, this matters, how we handle their lowest moments.
• 30:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: for us to set the blueprint and give them that perspective that could totally change everything.
• 30:29
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, that's interesting too with the funerals.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_04]: I love that.
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think about one of my sons had a really hard time in school from the time he was really little and I literally would walk the neighborhood with one of my friends who's actually sitting in the room.
• 30:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, that's here with me and we would just pray in praying pray.
• 30:46
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I would beg God to take away the learning difference he had.
• 30:49
  [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I just was like, Lord, I know in a moment you could do this and I would pray in praying pray.
• 30:54
  [SPEAKER_04]: and the Lord didn't, and he struggled hard to school, got through, I mean, he's in college now, but I mean, struggled, struggled.
• 31:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: And it's interesting because now, I know without a doubt, the very things I prayed for for him, where the things God has used the most as life to make him
• 31:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: The kiddie is now, the young adult, I mean he is compassionate, he is kind, he's empathetic and more than anything he is hard working because he's always had to be because it was never easy and the way that he has this empathy for other kids that struggle even if it's not academic and whatever way, I mean these things and the other thing is he just keeps going even when things are stacked up against him, he just keeps going, it's resilience, it's adaptability.
• 31:33
  [SPEAKER_04]: And it's the very thing I tried, the thing I tried to pray out of him was the thing God was using the most to make him who he is today.
• 31:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so I would just say as parents like, those things that you're praying over your kids, that hard road that you're trying to get the Lord to take away, listen, I'm with you.
• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_04]: I want the Lord to take the hard road's way, but I believe that's building the very soft skills and those God-given characteristics we wanted him.
• 31:55
  [SPEAKER_04]: So yeah.
• 31:57
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, should we get our third one?
• 31:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 31:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: What's our third one?
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Our third soft skill is
• 32:02
  [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, and it feels like this should be natural and there was like, yes, I mean, academically, we all want kids that are empathetic and kind, but are I mean, are we raising empathetic and kind kids?
• 32:13
  [SPEAKER_04]: I hear stories day and day out to tell me the proof otherwise.
• 32:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, I do too.
• 32:18
  [SPEAKER_04]: So what are your thoughts on this?
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: Are we doing this well?
• 32:20
  [SPEAKER_04]: Are we not?
• 32:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, I think I think one thing that's working against us is that we live in a culture of child-centered parenting.
• 32:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: And and I've been as guilty as any other parent of making my child the center of the universe and what I see is that I think a lot of parents you know worry about their child and their point everything into their child But they're not teaching their child to think about others and even with with friendships I tell girls I was like everybody wants great friends everybody wants kind friends everybody's looking for that but not everybody's putting that same effort into becoming that for themselves.
• 32:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: And so yeah, that's what I think is preventing empathy, is that people are just very self-centered and self-focused.
• 32:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you've ever had a friendship with somebody who's like that, you just know that it's never going to get very deep.
• 33:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: You just know, you hold that friendship for what it is.
• 33:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know that they're going to be a taker, you're a giver, and it's just never going to be very deep.
• 33:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that's not where you need to invest all your time and energy.
• 33:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: But if we want kids to have that empathy and the kindness, we got to teach them how to think about somebody else's feelings.
• 33:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I was saying so in the other day, having raised a girl and boys now, give me a mean boy day and a day out.
• 33:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I prefer it wasn't my child.
• 33:29
  [SPEAKER_04]: But a mean boy general versus the mean girl situation to not attend.
• 33:33
  [SPEAKER_04]: Because mean boys and again, over generalizing, but mean boys, or they could be physical, maybe they're bullies, that kind of thing.
• 33:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: But you can see it.
• 33:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: You can put your finger on it.
• 33:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, what it is.
• 33:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 33:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: So different with girls because
• 33:45
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I've had him in my life, mean girls, and I'm like, I don't even, I can't even tell you in a statement what makes it mean and hurtful.
• 33:53
  [SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I'm not sure, but I know what I see.
• 33:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, it's a feeling.
• 33:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a feeling where you know, okay, I know what I'm dealing with with hire, and I got to keep my guard up.
• 34:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, you just gotta be smart, you can be kind, you can be friendly, but you can't let them have too much information.
• 34:07
  [SPEAKER_04]: Right.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so it's we're trying to raise
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: girls and boys that are empathetic and kind, like practically speaking, like this is one of those things I think, especially back to what we started talking at the top of this show, talking about.
• 34:22
  [SPEAKER_04]: It's one of those things that doesn't see most important in the moment, but it is.
• 34:26
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I've seen it like,
• 34:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: When my kid didn't get to play in the final quarter of the biggest basketball game, how Mike and I responded at the car, or what we say to the coach if he talks to us later, like those moments right there is where we're modeling, what it looks like to be kind.
• 34:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: And under pressure, under stress, all what we say when we don't agree with how the teacher had this assignment in the group project and you got in a bad group, are we kind?
• 34:49
  [SPEAKER_04]: Are we empathetic to the kids that got put in the group that maybe are not the strongest in the class?
• 34:54
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like,
• 34:55
  [SPEAKER_04]: Right, like I'm about that lowest grade day out opportunities to show empathy and kindness like this isn't I think where I fell short Is I wanted to have a conversation around it yet off's or kind people we are going to be empathetic like yeah Stop talking about it and let's start doing it and valuing it and placing emphasis on it in our home and I think that's that swings of pendulum
• 35:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, yeah, and I think also just teaching them to serve, to have a servant's heart, and that could look like, let's give visit the grandparents.
• 35:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't want to visit the grandparents.
• 35:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, we're going to, you know, she's really down right now.
• 35:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, she's, she, you know, can't walk right now, or she's just, she has a help element.
• 35:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, you have no idea much joy.
• 35:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: You can bring your grandparents just by showing up.
• 35:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 35:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: And just teaching them, like, think about, think about how your grandparents feels.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: And remember, all the games that they've showed up for you, but um, yeah.
• 35:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: and remember all the times that they've shown up for you.
• 35:49
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, do you think, and this is maybe, without trying to be controversial or ugly or anything, but do you think mean girls come from mean moms?
• 35:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: Is that a true statement?
• 36:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: a lot of times.
• 36:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, more often than not.
• 36:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: I would say a lot of times you also see sometimes the girls that really mean their moms are really kind.
• 36:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know, so it kind of depends, but a lot of the times, especially what I see is that girls who are very gossipy, their moms gossip a lot.
• 36:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: but the ones that they just talk about people constantly, their moms are the same way.
• 36:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I think that, and that's something that I can look back and I'm so thankful, my mom was not like that.
• 36:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, my mom truly loved her friends.
• 36:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: She was not the person who would throw her friends under the bus when they weren't around.
• 36:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that just you know that always went so when I started seeing that in college and beyond that just seems that so I've normal to me I'm like what like that doesn't make sense and she was not gossipy, you know She wasn't always talking about everybody else So I think that's so important for us to model this moms because that's a big problem and I know girls in There in the teenage years in the college years and they're they're now getting smart enough like you know what?
• 36:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I do not like being with this group or I like this friend one on one But I don't like how she acts in a group because she just gets so gossipy and then
• 37:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: My other friends who I love, they get gossipy too, and it creates that whole dynamic.
• 37:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah, and I would say for boys, I think yes, they have some of those same struggles, but more often it's, I think, helping them have self-awareness of what's going on around them.
• 37:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: I think a lot of times I've seen it with boys with my sons and their friends, they're not trying to be mean, exclude people, they just don't see that person.
• 37:26
  [SPEAKER_04]: Like you're not on the football team, so we didn't invite you to the party, because we only, we're, the football,
• 37:30
  [SPEAKER_04]: and helping them be aware of the fact that there is a world outside of your world and there's a fight and so having sometimes the boys maybe aren't as caddy sometimes as maybe my daughter's been or whatever but just doesn't see the world outside of himself and saying like listen yes actually not kind when you don't do this or you know are you noticing that you're showing a lack of empathy that kid never got to play on the team and ended up quitting if you reached out to that kid and having those kind of intentional conversations so
• 37:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 37:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's so good.
• 37:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
• 37:59
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're running out of time.
• 38:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: So we're going to do, we're going to just mention the last one.
• 38:02
  [SPEAKER_04]: But what do you think about this, Carrie?
• 38:03
  [SPEAKER_04]: What about on this last one?
• 38:04
  [SPEAKER_04]: We'll give a quick overview.
• 38:06
  [SPEAKER_04]: And then what if we write up something we'll put on both our social and everybody can kind of look at that?
• 38:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 38:11
  [SPEAKER_04]: Talking about perseverance and work ethic.
• 38:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, self skill number four, perseverance and work ethic.
• 38:17
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
• 38:17
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm here's the overview I was thinking about.
• 38:19
  [SPEAKER_04]: I saw a CNBC article,
• 38:20
  [SPEAKER_04]: this said that her severe to work ethic is a higher predictor of success than IQ.
• 38:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow, that's amazing.
• 38:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: Right.
• 38:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so listen, it makes me think of a Tom Brady quote I've used before and I'm not a huge patron's fan.
• 38:34
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm a Dallas Cowboys fans, which is really, yeah, it's really disappointing.
• 38:38
  [SPEAKER_04]: Um, it's real hard to be that good.
• 38:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, look good, though.
• 38:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 38:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Got a good show.
• 38:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
• 38:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: We try.
• 38:42
  [SPEAKER_04]: But Tom Brady, they were asking about just being this like Hall of Fame quarterback that's done everything.
• 38:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: He's a goat of all quarterbacks and he's like, listen, it's like anything.
• 38:50
  [SPEAKER_04]: You know, to be successful, you don't have to be special.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_04]: You just have to be what most people aren't consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.
• 38:57
  [SPEAKER_04]: And that's just I've talked to my kids so many times about that.
• 39:00
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm like there will always be someone smarter There will always be someone more connected all things, but you can control don't get out work Don't get you know that perseverance that grit.
• 39:10
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yes, that work ethic and so yeah That is a mom of girls.
• 39:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, huge you know, and I guess I'll look back for myself Nothing ever came easily to me.
• 39:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was just I was not the sharpest tool in the toolbox.
• 39:20
  [SPEAKER_04]: I say same
• 39:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: I always struggled in school when I was younger and so I made great grades as I got older but I had to work and it was always so frustrating to me because I had to work so much harder than my friends and high school and college.
• 39:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: I feel like everything I do, even writing.
• 39:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I'm, you know, I have friends who go right to book in six weeks or just whip it out and I'm like, it just, it takes me abnormally.
• 39:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: long to do anything.
• 39:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: But what is the upside of that is it made, it's made me a very hard worker and it has really fed my work ethic and so I try to pass that on to my girls and, you know, none of them are prodigies.
• 39:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: They've all done well in school but it's because they work hard.
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: And when they feel that frustration like, I try to trust so hard in my friends, it just comes more easily to them or
• 39:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, they have a great GPA, but you know, one or two might struggle with the standardized testing.
• 40:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, you know what, I would much rather you have the HGPA than the high ACT, because your GPA reflects your work ethic.
• 40:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: Your ACT, I was like, I have friends whose kids get a very high ACT, but their GPA does not match it because they're lazy.
• 40:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: They're very smart, but they don't have to work very hard.
• 40:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: So I was like, I would much rather you have to have that work ethic and that grip, because it's going to take you so much further in life.
• 40:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, yeah.
• 40:28
  [SPEAKER_04]: My husband says to my little one.
• 40:30
  [SPEAKER_04]: He's a little bit of a giver upper.
• 40:32
  [SPEAKER_04]: If it gets hard, he's like, I'm done.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_04]: I'm out.
• 40:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: And so almost every day, Michael say, hey, what's your name?
• 40:38
  [SPEAKER_04]: And he says, J.B. Yannel.
• 40:40
  [SPEAKER_04]: And he's like, what do you do?
• 40:41
  [SPEAKER_04]: And he says, hard things.
• 40:43
  [SPEAKER_04]: And then he says, what do you not do?
• 40:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: And J.B. says, don't give up.
• 40:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: I love that.
• 40:47
  [SPEAKER_04]: And he kind of has this mantra with him because he's so quick to give up on things.
• 40:51
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I think this is something that we can have one of those places where maybe a mantra works in our home.
• 40:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 40:56
  [SPEAKER_04]: Not only are we going to actually do the hard things.
• 40:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're going to do hard things ourselves and have a work ethic and persevere through the hard things when it we live in a culture that's like, don't do it if it's hard.
• 41:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 41:05
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're going to do our selves, but I also think it's a place where good mantra works of like, hey.
• 41:09
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're gonna do the things because God will call you to hard things that you're not good at and he will call you to things that are discouraging and defeating like writing books and everything in between raising kids and we gotta keep showing up like that's that's how it works.
• 41:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: And those are really the things that grow your faith.
• 41:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, when you know, I'm not good at this.
• 41:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: And then you see yourself improving, or you see yourself do it well, like, well, I know that was not me because I know my ability.
• 41:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 41:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know that was God coming through.
• 41:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know that was the Holy Spirit working through me.
• 41:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that helps us stay humble and not take credit for these things that we might like to take credit for, because we have to realize our weaknesses to realize how much we really need and depend on God.
• 41:48
  [SPEAKER_04]: That's so good.
• 41:49
  [SPEAKER_04]: All right, I'm going to promise something that who knows if it happens, but I'm going to, I'm going to try, I'm going to loosely promise everyone, carry an eye when these come out will have just a quick little, well, well, carries care cell sites on this, they kind of summarize them and will hit the perseverance and work ethic a little bit harder and add a little bit more to that and hopefully I'll give you something to kind of keep in mind as we think through soft skills, but.
• 42:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I think that we should create, create a document, or like a printable.
• 42:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: What you just said, what you do for your son, that people can write in, let their child write in their name, write in all the answers.
• 42:23
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay, that's why she's carry compacts for better, okay?
• 42:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: My mom's spending.
• 42:27
  [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, she's got a, she's got a PDF in the works people.
• 42:30
  [SPEAKER_04]: So, all right, this was fun, friend.
• 42:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: That name, thank you.
• 42:33
  [SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
• 42:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Conversation.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_04]: We're doing another one, guys.
• 42:35
  [SPEAKER_04]: That's right, too, in a row.
• 42:36
  [SPEAKER_04]: All right, thanks, Kiri.
• 42:39
  [SPEAKER_04]: All right, I hope you enjoyed that with Carrie Capacas and next week we have another show with her.
• 42:44
  [SPEAKER_04]: Another item of business, if you are not following me on social, will you do that so that we can all keep up and I can share some of the things going on?
• 42:51
  [SPEAKER_04]: And I would love for you to share this show.
• 42:53
  [SPEAKER_04]: This forward the link to your friends, your group chats, would be amazing, keep growing the show.
• 42:58
  [SPEAKER_04]: So thanks for being a part of the mesmerized family.
• 43:01
  [SPEAKER_04]: You guys do the very best.