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Sunday Deep Dive: Why I Speak Now — My Story & Identity Shift · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

0:00
Hey everybody, welcome back to unlocking the Paradigm portal.
0:03
My name is Sarah, and today is my very first episode of what
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I'm calling Sunday Deep dives. So my plan is that these
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episodes are going to move at a different pace than the rest of
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the content on the channel. And this one today is get to
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know who I am because if you've been listening, you have heard
0:25
my voice, you've heard what I've talked about, I've thrown in
0:28
some personal stuff here and there, but you have no idea who
0:31
the hell I am. And as one of my goals in life
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is to create connection, I need to open up that door of
0:37
vulnerability to you so that hopefully that allows you to
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feel more comfortable. So these Sunday deep dives are
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going to be slower and a bit more reflective and more
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expansive. And my plan is, and on later
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dates to bring in other people that we can kind of work
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together. I'm working on that.
1:01
We'll see where it goes. But the deep dives are going to
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be where I go really under the surface of everything that we're
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talking about. And I talk about healing and
1:11
patterns and relationships and identity shifts and nervous
1:14
system work, like all of it. And I want you to know that the
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things that I'm talking about, it's not I read a book or I did
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a certification, which I've done those too.
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I'm bringing up topics that have directly personally impacted me,
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things that I have worked through.
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Also. It's like I have been in the
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fire and come out the other side.
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Sometimes I get knocked right back into the fire.
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You know, it happens. But I've learned so much and
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I've worked with so many people for so many years in my private
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practice that I just, I want to share what I've learned.
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And you either take it if it resonates, or you say no thanks.
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And either way, that's fine. So I feel like if you're going
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to listen to someone talk about any of these things, then you
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deserve to know the human being behind the microphone, right?
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And I, it's actually a really big challenge for me to do this
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because it feels very uncomfortable on such a platform
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to put so much of me directly out.
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But that is why I'm doing it. And I've referenced this in a
2:27
video previously that this has become my newest form of
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therapy. And I've done my best to tackle
2:34
as many different kinds of therapy, whether traditional
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talk therapy, somatic therapies, body works, all of it.
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Just on my quest to find myself and unwrap from all the bullshit
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layers that either I've put upon me.
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I've felt other people have put upon me, old stories, you know,
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things I've adopted throughout time.
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I feel like a mummy that is slowly unraveling.
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So I want to talk about why I started talking publicly,
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speaking publicly, and why now and why this way because it ties
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back very integrally to one of my biggest core wounds.
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And just as a side note, if you're into attachment styles, I
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am a recovering or healing fearful avoidant.
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And if you know much about that, it is tends to be the most
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chaotic of the attachment styles.
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The old school version of it was disorganized.
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And that just to me sounds very messy.
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And yes, that attachment style is very messy, but fearful
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avoidance feels much more appropriate.
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And I did a lot, a lot of intensive deep dive work on my
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attachment style over the last few years.
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And it was amazing because where I had processed through so much
3:55
stuff for so long with a variety of practitioners and therapists,
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the attachment work was what kind of put the pieces together.
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And all the sudden I went, holy shit, it makes sense.
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And if you do a Google search of the core wounds that exist in a
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fearful avoidant, it's like all the main ones, there's like 21
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predominant ones. I mean, there's an abundance of
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core wounds, but there's 21 major ones.
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And when I read through them, I was like, Oh my God, I have
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literally every single one. And it felt like staring down a
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mountain like my own personal Everest.
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Which side note, I'm obsessed with mountaineering so I was
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staring at actually I'm not going to use Everest.
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K2 is my personal favorite. Staring at K2 being like how the
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hell am I going to climb this? Well what is that phrase that I
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find so dumb but I have used it repeatedly.
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How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
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Please don't eat elephants. I don't condone that.
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But so I started just tackling 1 core wound at a time and then
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that one would start to feel better and then the next one
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would pop up typically through interactions and things.
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And all the sudden it felt like getting sucker punched in the
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gut. And I'm like, OK, that's where
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we're going next. So I started this podcast
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because the core wound that was coming up this past summer was
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the I am unheard wound. And I have literally spent most
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of my life feeling unheard. And I felt very much like I had
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a lot of things to say, a lot of really important good things to
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say. And I felt like it got shut
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down. Or there were many times, and
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this is an adulthood too, where I would be communicating
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something that was really valuable and really profound at
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times, or vulnerable. That was a big one, vulnerable.
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And people that were in the conversation with me would
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literally start talking over me as I was mid sentence like I
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wasn't even existing. And I just would quiet down and
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be like well I guess nobody wants to hear it.
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And it's interesting how this wound started to show up over
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the years. Anyone who knows me personally,
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I can be a chatterbox a lot. And that I realized in the last
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couple of years is due to that I'm unheard core wound.
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So you can either go totally silent or in my case, I just
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started over sharing everything, which also is tied into a few
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other ones. But for right now, focusing on
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the unheard, I started sharing everything because it was like,
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especially if anybody would listen.
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Then I just felt like I need to verbally vomit out everything
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because holy shit, this person's actually listening to me.
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But the problem is then you're over sharing and over sharing
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with people that either don't want to hear or it's not the
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person that deserves to hear all of these things.
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And you open yourself up to feedback and criticisms and
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judgments and everything. And it definitely tied into
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seeking external validation. So that has been the bulk of my
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life. And then this past summer, it
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all came to a head. And it came to a head because I
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started, I have done a somatic breath work training and which
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profound work. It's amazing.
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That's why I bring a lot of breathing into all of my videos
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and into my private practice too.
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And I just suddenly I, I could do it one-on-one.
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I'm excellent one-on-one. But in a group setting, I felt
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terrified. Like I just, I felt scared to
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project my voice. I felt like, what if I don't
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know what to say? A lot of second guessing my own
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intuition and just my skill level.
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Damn it. I've been in my field for 21
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years. Like, it's ridiculous how
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imposter syndrome can still sneak up and kick me in the face
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once in a while. But so this summer I decided,
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OK, it's time. Like you, there's a phrase on a
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little piece of paper at my office and I love it.
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And it says fearlessness is not a prerequisite.
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Do it scared. And I kept looking at that and I
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was like, yes, I'm doing it. So I talked to Renee, who
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trained me with everything and is amazing.
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And I said, all right, it's go time, let's do it.
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And so she was right on board. And we tried three different
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times. We set up three classes.
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They were amazing. The 1st 2, she'd put together
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the music, and the music is intended to trigger an emotional
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response. And as the music's playing and
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you're doing a certain breathing style, we're walking around
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saying things meaning like, like we're talking to the the inner
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child trying to almost poke and prod at those wounds.
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And I know it sounds scary, but it is a tremendous cathartic
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release. And the first two classes, she
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did the music and I was just going to go around, but I
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literally, it felt like my throat was getting choked off.
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And the third one, I finally was like, I'm taking over.
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And I made this incredible playlist and I was so proud of
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it. Like listening to it I was
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crying and Renee was taking a step back and like letting me
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take the lead. And as soon as it got started I
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just remember literally feeling like someone had their hands
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around my throat, choking my voice off and just looking at
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her wide eyed because I could not get past this block.
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And bless her soul because she just jumped right in and took
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over and saved me from just completely falling on my face.
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But I did feel like a complete epic failure.
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But I had to sit with that and figure out why.
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And it was just the fear of the unknown and the fear of what if
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I do it wrong? All the other core wounds were
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coming up and I had to. I spent a lot of time this fall
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just processing that and thinking about it and noticing
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it and noticing where I was oversharing, where I was
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refusing to open up to more vulnerability and how easy it is
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for me one-on-one, but how difficult it is when I was with
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a group. And that had me thinking about,
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I've wanted to do a podcast for years and I just got myself
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caught up in the logistics of it.
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I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do that
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instead of like just shut up and do it.
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And so I set it all up and I got it set up and then it sat for
10:28
months and then something happened.
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I had some big life shifts. I had a big like emotional
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collapse a few months ago back in November.
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I had, and I've referenced this I think in a different video.
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I have elderly parents and they were, their health has been not
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great. And I have teenagers and they're
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they were having struggles and I was trying to hold everybody up
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and all the sudden all four collapsed like in a week span.
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Not literally, but metaphorically.
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And it, I crumbled under it because it was like I've been
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holding up the table, not realizing that I was trying to
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act as table legs for everybody and not obviously I thought I
11:13
was really doing a good job. But then the final straw broke
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the camel's back or whatever the phrases and I literally had a
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complete emotional breakdown. Like I was, I couldn't speak.
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I was like hysterically sobbing in ways for like two or three
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days. I had it.
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It was really bad. It was the lowest point I've
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ever been at in my entire life. And it was exactly what needed
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to happen. And I did end up talking to my
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doctor. I got really fortunate with the
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one that I saw who was amazing. And I just, I allowed myself
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like honestly, about the first three weeks of November, maybe 4
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weeks, I spent all that time by myself besides when I had to go
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to work and just, I wasn't being productive, I wasn't getting
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things done and I was moving shortly after.
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And I'm like, I have to pack, but I thought I need to just be
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with me and be quiet. So I would go to work, I'd come
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home, I get into comfy pajamas and I would curl up under fuzzy
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warm blankets and I would watch funny TV shows and just it was
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the most intense period of self soothing and it was amazing.
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And in that time I realized I'm done waiting, I'm done
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tiptoeing, I'm done hiding from the world.
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I'm just done. So I opened up the podcast and
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that's the first 4 episodes on here were the first four where I
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was borderline like peeing my pants, nervous.
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And I'm sitting at my kitchen counter.
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I was so cold from nerves. I had so many layers on and then
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a bathrobe on top of it and then a winter hat on top of that.
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And I'm just like hunched over the microphone just being like,
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OK, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this.
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And it's not like anybody was around.
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I was talking to a microphone, but it wasn't even that.
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It was putting my voice out to the world.
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That was absolutely terrifying. And so I did those couple of
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episodes. I did them like every couple of
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days or something like that. And it got a little less
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intimidating and I felt a little bit more comfortable.
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And then I started to feel that choked off voice again once I
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realized, holy shit, I just published this out in the
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YouTube. And why was I still feeling so
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scared? What was this throat blockage
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about? Because, yeah, people had talked
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over me, but, you know, it's not that terrifying.
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And it was literal terror. And what was interesting with
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this is that as I sat with that and processed through it, I
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started remembering one particular relationship I had
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many years ago. And I was a sweet little 18 year
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old who was ready to go take on the world.
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And all I'd ever wanted was to get away from my hometown and
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everyone I knew and just explore and find who I am separate from
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my family's identity and living in a small town and all of the
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just everything that comes with it.
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And not that any of it had been bad, it just I needed something
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different. Which is really funny because I
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I don't live far from my hometown anymore, but I had to
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go and explore in order to feel comfortable coming back.
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But so in that time of being the sweet, naive, innocent 18 year
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old, I got entangled with someone that was unbelievably,
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terrifyingly toxic. And fortunately it was only a
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short period of time. However, even short periods of
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time with someone who is abusive and toxic and destructive leave
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a massive imprint. And that is what I was realizing
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because one of the phrases that he would say to me is I can find
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you anywhere at any time. And that was particularly scary
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because if it was your average Joe, it wouldn't really be a big
15:25
deal. However, this guy was in the
15:27
military, he was in intelligence, and I couldn't
15:31
know for certain if he actually had the ability to find me
15:34
anywhere. And there was a lot of that kind
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of not so subtle threatening that was happening.
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And there's so much more with that.
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That led to a tremendous amount of stored trauma that has been
15:51
coming up to process. And I will say happily that that
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piece of garbage is in jail. And that makes me honestly
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finding that fact out was what I don't know.
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It just all the sudden it was like why?
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I heard an old therapist voice of mine in my head saying, when
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are you going to stop letting him control you?
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And I was like, Oh my God, that's what's happening.
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So karma's a bitch or it's good if you do beautiful things and
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put beauty out into the world. But it there is something
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validating about knowing that someone who, and it wasn't just
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me, there were many people that this happened that he did this
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to that I've heard about. It is really nice to see.
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Not nice. It's validating to see when
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people who do bad things get what they have coming to them.
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And that alone, it was like the key to that unlocked me.
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And all the sudden my confidence grew and my just my
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expansiveness grew and my power started coming back.
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And I had done so many practices to reclaim my power and keep
17:01
taking it back and taking it back.
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But it kept getting shut down. And that was what was doing it,
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this intense, bone deep, pervasive fear of if I put
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myself out there, he will find me.
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And even if it's not him, it would open the door to other
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people like that. Well, guess what?
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Once you see it, you can't Unsee it.
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So no, that's not what happened. That's not what will happen
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because I, I've freaking risen into some glory and it feels
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absolutely amazing. So I got sitting down with this
17:37
podcast and I started talking and it felt good.
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It felt cathartic. It felt like it's been my
17:47
therapy and it allowed me to harness these incredible
17:54
conversations because I I can't stand small talk.
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I can't stand like, you know, putting on the bullshit
18:02
conversation about things like I don't, I want to know people.
18:07
I want to know who you are deep down.
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I want to know what you struggle with and what you feel proud of
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and what has you feeling really confident?
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What has you feeling really insecure?
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Because that is what makes up all of us.
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That's the stuff I want to know. So when I talk to somebody, I
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don't want to hear some bullshit surface level stuff.
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I don't want. Like, I already see your mask
18:31
when you talk to me. When I communicate with people,
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I can see the mask that they're adopting and I can see the
18:38
person that's inside. And I have an incredibly,
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incredibly astute bullshit meter.
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And I can tell when people are operating from the mask.
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And I have at times looked at that person depending on who it
18:51
is. Like if it's a superficial out
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in general society, no, I'm not going to do this.
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Maybe I will. We'll see how feisty I am at the
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time. But people that I know well,
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when they put the mask on, I have looked at them and said,
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what are we doing here? You know me, I know you cut the
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bullshit. Just be real.
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And most people look a little bit startled, but I also see a
19:15
touch of fear and relief. Some people skitter back into
19:19
their masking because it's there.
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They get afraid of, I don't know, maybe rejection or
19:24
something or being judged. But I don't judge people and I'm
19:27
not going to reject people. I am going to call you out on
19:30
your shit lovingly. I have been called the nurturing
19:34
Sledgehammer. But that's what I I with all of
19:39
the episodes that I'm doing, with all the content, I want
19:44
everyone to just be real. If you're having a hard time,
19:47
you're having a hard time. Let me sit with you.
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That's why I started the series. That's every Tuesday, Thursday,
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Saturday. I'm trying to remember.
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I have it all written down somewhere called Light in the
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Dark. Because I'm just going to sit
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there with you and shine a little light and you just feel
20:06
however you're feeling in that moment.
20:08
And then the other episodes that I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday
20:11
are like, all right, let's cut the shit.
20:12
Let's take her power back. Let's start making things
20:14
happen. And these Sunday deep dives are
20:17
just going to be, let's just be real and authentic.
20:22
And I will say I have not done another group class because I
20:28
realized I don't know that I want to do with the group
20:31
classes like that. It doesn't feel like a driving
20:35
force anymore. I suspect.
20:37
And I feel strongly that setting up those three classes, and
20:42
actually I did do a couple by myself wasn't so much about
20:46
getting into the rhythm of that. It was about unlocking my voice.
20:51
And now I am excited to sit down and do these episodes and I, I'm
20:57
OK with fumbling over things. I will say there's a couple of
21:00
times that I will pause and I have to go back and like start
21:03
over again because like I'll have, my mouth will start
21:07
watering and I feel like I'm choking or something or, or I
21:10
fumble like super epically and I have to go back and then try to
21:15
remember where I was in the 1st place.
21:19
But it feels good, and the feedback I'm getting is awesome.
21:23
And it makes me really happy to hear from other people, like,
21:28
getting fired up or expressing things that they're struggling
21:32
with. Like, it's just beautiful.
21:34
And God knows, we need more community, like, genuine,
21:38
authentic community. And we just have been lacking
21:41
that in so many ways. And, you know, all the
21:47
technology and the Internet and the AI and everything.
21:51
Yeah. This is how things progress.
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This is just societal progression and it can create a
21:57
tremendous amount of disconnect, or you can use it and harness it
22:03
to create connection. And that's what I decided to do.
22:07
And I hope that's what you're feeling because that's, that's
22:13
my mission in life is just one by one, bit by bit, baby step by
22:19
baby step, just keep creating connections between me and other
22:23
people, between everyone to bring up authenticity.
22:29
Like that's my my #1 value in life, in friendships, in
22:36
relationships and communication in my work.
22:38
And everything is authenticity. So who you're getting right now
22:44
speaking is who my clients get in my practice.
22:47
It's who my parents get, it's who my children get, it's who
22:51
everyone gets. And it took me a lot of work to
22:55
start breaking away the masks. And now actually, I almost wish,
23:02
and I did that episode on authenticity versus masking.
23:07
I almost wish that I could at times adopt even just a touch of
23:12
a mask because if you've ever watched The Golden Girls, I can
23:16
sometimes when people are really fake and really like saccharine
23:21
sweet. I it drives me nuts when I get
23:23
the Oh my God, it's so great to see you 'cause I immediately am
23:27
like bullshit because I don't have the ability to put a mask
23:33
on. It's very difficult for me to
23:34
school my expression. So it's I'm like Dorothy on The
23:39
Golden Girls and when, if you know that show, she always has
23:44
this like kind of slightly leaned back, scrunched eyebrows,
23:49
like what the F kind of look on her face.
23:52
And this is where COVID masking times was actually incredibly
23:55
helpful because at least it hid part of my face.
23:58
And just a fun little anecdote. After all the masking things
24:02
went away, my daughter and I went to Target and didn't have
24:07
masks on. I forgot I didn't.
24:08
We're walking through the store. I saw someone I just really did
24:13
not want to run into who just one of the most fake, phony
24:17
human beings ever. And it's it was like physically
24:20
painful to have to engage. And so I was trying to do a duck
24:25
and run. And but before I did, my
24:27
daughter looks at me and goes, mom, your face.
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And I'm like, what? And she goes, stop making that
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scrunched up face. And I realized I had the
24:36
Dorothy's Warnock look on, but I didn't have a mask covering it.
24:40
And ever since then, I realized I have to like, consciously pay
24:44
attention to what expression I'm making.
24:47
So I just went completely off the topic.
24:52
So let me see. I talked about my unheard wound.
24:57
What else do I want you to know? Let's see.
25:03
I'll give you some little snapshots.
25:06
So I've been a massage therapist, a licensed massage
25:10
therapist for 21 years. That's all I've done full time
25:13
besides popping up babies. It has been intense.
25:18
It has been grueling at times. I went into that field because I
25:25
had tremendous body dissociation and wasn't fully aware of it or
25:30
actually even a little bit aware of it.
25:32
So I was really good at, I'd go to work on someone and my wrist
25:36
would be totally screwed up and dislodged and complete agony.
25:41
And I was the person was face down.
25:43
If any of my clients are listening, you didn't know this.
25:47
As the person was face down, I would be silently sobbing in
25:51
pain because, you know, I'm a mom.
25:54
Got to do what I got to do, got to make some money and take care
25:58
of people and sacrifice myself and all that good stuff.
26:03
And going into the field, I realize now it was I was meant
26:07
to do that because I gravitated to a field where I had the most
26:11
wounding and I was so unaware of it.
26:14
So I was helping everybody else while not being not helping
26:20
myself. But through the career, it led
26:23
me to training in Craniosacral therapy and Reiki, both Usui and
26:28
Holy Fire in the somatic breath work training.
26:32
I most recently did a certification with Tyice Gibson,
26:36
who is amazing with the personal development school in integrated
26:40
attachment theory. Gosh, what else have I done?
26:44
Like everything I can get my hands on.
26:46
And all of it brought me full circle to who I am now.
26:52
So let's see, I've done all of that.
26:55
So now I do a combination of everything.
26:57
I kind of created my own little hybrid blend and it's amazing.
27:02
And with the shifts that I've had, I am focusing very much on
27:07
authenticity with myself and accountability with myself and
27:11
with my clients. And that means saying to them
27:18
directly and knowing that they may leave and not come back.
27:21
And that's OK, but saying we are a team and our goal here is to
27:27
reduce your pain and figure out what are the patterns that you
27:30
have that are leading to this pain.
27:32
Are you in a place to do that? And I've had some people say no.
27:36
And that's OK because everyone has to come to it when or if
27:39
they are able to and ready to. And other people look surprised.
27:44
And it is amazing to see them suddenly just grow and expand.
27:49
It's absolutely beautiful. So that is one thing that I do.
27:55
And you know what, I'm going to take a momentary pause and then
27:59
I will be right back. OK, I'm back.
28:03
Sorry about that little break. That was a long time.
28:07
So other things about me for you to get to know me is I am a mom
28:14
of two teenagers which is interesting for sure.
28:20
They are magical amazing human beings that are forging their
28:25
own paths and I respect this hard because that is how I am
28:29
too and tackling their challenges and unraveling the
28:34
bullshit in their teenage years. Like how amazing is that?
28:38
It is so, so cool to watch these kids just morph and grow and
28:44
change and evolve and become such more emotionally
28:50
intelligent and aware and commutative human beings than a
28:54
lot of other people that I know. It is an absolute privilege and
28:58
an honor. And don't get me wrong, I also
29:00
at times want to just, like, scream.
29:02
And there are times that I just have said, OK, I'm off duty.
29:06
I cannot do this right now. And I will walk away.
29:10
And the three of us have an understanding that actually my
29:14
daughter uses the phrase her social media is maxed out and
29:18
that means she needs to step away.
29:19
So we all, we seem to have a pretty good understanding that
29:23
everyone gets overwhelmed and all you have to do is
29:25
communicate that you need to step away.
29:28
And that's all right. And you know, I'm, I went
29:34
through a few years ago the same thing that I'm willing to bet a
29:37
lot of parents, I'm going to specifically focus on moms
29:42
because I don't know what dad's experiences are like.
29:45
So actually, if there's any dads out there who have been going
29:48
through that, I would really love to understand.
29:52
Anybody who has a different experience than I do, I want to
29:55
hear your story because I'm very aware.
29:58
I only know what I know and everyone.
30:02
You can just grow and expand your own view of the world and
30:05
everything by listening to other people and really practicing.
30:11
I don't know, patience and curiosity.
30:13
I love curiosity. That's my other number one
30:15
thing, authenticity and curiosity.
30:17
Boom, there we go. But a few years ago, I also went
30:22
through what I will call my midlife identity shift.
30:26
And I was about 4041. And that was a crucial, pivotal
30:33
moment when my kids were old enough that they didn't want to
30:37
hang out with me. So they'd come home from school
30:40
and I was all like ready to do with the mom thing.
30:43
And they would like disappear in their rooms and I'd sit at the
30:46
kitchen counter by myself kind of sad and feeling a little bit
30:49
abandoned and rejected. And then it took me a while.
30:53
And then I went, Oh my God. So what is happening is I get to
30:57
have my things now What? And I'm, this might sound crazy.
31:03
I am fortunate in many ways with my Co parenting situation.
31:07
Yes it is very unfortunate and it has created a lot of turmoil
31:11
and challenges for all of us, especially my kids because I'm
31:16
divorced and that is a whole thing in and of itself.
31:22
However, one of the glimmers in it is that because of Co
31:25
parenting and fortunately we have a really good Co parenting
31:28
relationship. I the time that my kids are with
31:32
their dad, I get to have me time.
31:36
And that was really uncomfortable for a while
31:39
because I didn't know who I was besides my kids mom.
31:43
I mean, I had all my other things, but that was my focus.
31:45
And let's talk about societal pressures on what it means to be
31:49
a mom. You have to be doing everything
31:51
and if you're not well, you're not good enough.
31:54
Well, I say screw that because all that's teaching our children
31:58
is that we that parents need to sacrifice themselves 100% and
32:03
the kids are the center of the universe.
32:04
And then guess what? Those kids grow up and do the
32:06
same thing. So at what point are we going to
32:08
stop this generational pattern? So instead it was a slow
32:12
practice of saying, and I communicated these things.
32:16
I didn't just do stuff. I would say to the kids, you are
32:20
my primary focus right now. However, I also am a person and
32:25
I have things that I love and that I need and that I want and
32:29
that make me happy. So I'm finding the balance.
32:32
So we're going to work together on this.
32:35
And it's been really cool to see the effect years later because
32:42
both of my kids have developed an ability to really speak up
32:45
for themselves, sometimes a little aggressively, sometimes
32:48
just very assertively. And I feel like that was a
32:53
crucial, pivotal moment for me. And then as a result of it being
32:57
for me, for them. And that's, I mean, my job is
33:02
not to hold on. And I watch so many parents that
33:07
are just very emotionally destroyed by their kids getting
33:11
older and growing up. And it is hard.
33:14
And don't get me wrong, I've had my times of like sitting and
33:16
crying and remembering and feeling regret and sadness for
33:21
times lost. But at the same time, this is
33:24
what we signed up for. Like we didn't sign up to hold
33:27
on to our kids forever and ever. We signed up to raise them and
33:31
to teach them how to be healthy, independent, functioning adults
33:36
and then to set them free. We picked that because we knew
33:40
that was the end goal. And it gets very easy to lose
33:43
sight of that end goal and get caught up in wanting to keep
33:48
them little and wanting to hold on to them as long as you can.
33:53
And I'm going to gently say, and again, this is from my own
33:57
experience, if you're having those feelings, it's completely
34:01
normal and it makes complete sense.
34:05
And maybe try flipping the dynamic on that.
34:09
And instead of or in addition to noticing, you want to hold on to
34:14
them and keep them small and keep them in that little like
34:17
snow globe of the past. You can feel that and take it as
34:24
a glimmer for you. I'm going to start referencing
34:26
glimmers in a minute. Take it as a glimmer that this
34:30
is your opportunity to start slowly finding who are you now?
34:36
Who are you at this point in life with all the experiences
34:40
under your belt, all the life you've lived, all the hardships,
34:44
all the successes, everything that has happened to you and for
34:48
you. You are not the same person now
34:52
that you were five years ago, that you were when you had that
34:55
baby, that you were when you were a teenager.
35:00
And have you allowed yourself the opportunity to explore who
35:05
you are now? Just think about that because I
35:08
know I certainly really had it. And I tried doing things that I
35:12
enjoyed when in my 20s. Yeah, that's not me anymore.
35:16
And so I tried different things and I had to get out of my
35:19
comfort zone. But I did it by thinking what
35:21
are things that light me up? And it started small.
35:25
Like I said earlier, I have been obsessed with mountaineering
35:29
forever. I have 0 interest in
35:31
mountaineering. I think they're absolutely
35:32
batshit crazy. However, it's fascinating to me
35:38
the psychology behind someone who feels the need to go to that
35:43
kind of extreme and who or what are they trying to prove
35:47
themselves to. And I just love reading the
35:51
stories. So like I said, I started
35:53
getting obsessed with Everest. So I started the such a good
35:56
book Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer, Amazing book.
36:00
I read it in like a six hour span because I couldn't go to
36:04
sleep. When people are dying on
36:05
Everest, I was like, I can't put the book down.
36:07
And I finished it at like 8:00 in the morning or something like
36:09
that. Maybe it was longer than six
36:11
hours. And then that led me to reading
36:15
more about K2 because everybody's about Everest.
36:18
K2K2 is intense. And if I'm remembering
36:22
correctly, the book I loved was, was it the Thousand Summits?
36:28
Something about the 1000 summits, about the 2008 climbing
36:31
disaster that was there. There's a documentary on YouTube
36:34
about it too. There's probably a lot more,
36:37
but, and so I just started reading books about it just to
36:41
kind of be like, oh, this is something I'm intrigued by.
36:44
And then I started noticing other things that I'm really
36:46
into. Like I've been obsessed with
36:48
crystals because they're pretty and they're fun and I like
36:52
looking up the spiritual and metaphysical meanings behind
36:55
them and I feel energy off of them and I'm drawn to certain
36:59
ones and I'm repelled from other ones.
37:02
So I just started collecting more and more and going to this
37:04
really cool crystal shop that's about 1/2 an hour away from me
37:09
and acquiring them. And then that led me to doing a
37:13
crystal healing practitioner training with Ashley, who owns
37:18
the Love and Light School in Madison, WI, all online.
37:22
That woman has more knowledge than most human beings I know.
37:26
And I love that she ties the science into the spiritual
37:29
aspect of it. It was the coolest, coolest
37:34
training I've ever done. I will say no, I'm going to hold
37:40
that. That was the coolest training
37:41
I've ever done. Totally worth it.
37:43
Check her out. She's got a cool podcast too.
37:45
Her shop is really cool. You can or I've never been there
37:48
in person. I've just ordered online, but
37:50
more knowledge base about crystals than anyone.
37:54
And it's just, it's amazing. So I started doing that and then
37:59
I just, I realized when I was a little little, I had said, I
38:02
really want to make jewelry and I'd forgotten about that.
38:06
And my mom mentioned it to me at one point.
38:09
So on a whim, I was like, why am I avoiding this?
38:12
I wanted to do it forever. And I signed up and I did a
38:15
metal smithing class with, I'm not going to say where it is
38:19
because it's local, but Kelly was the IT was the greatest
38:25
class I've ever taken. And it was terrifying because it
38:29
brought up all of my perfectionism issues, which I
38:32
didn't realize how strong they were until that moment.
38:35
But here's the cool thing with metal smithing, If you fuck up,
38:38
you just melt it all down and you start all over again.
38:42
How awesome is that? And if you screw up, you just
38:46
kind of deviate. Course, I have so many pieces,
38:48
like really intricate pendants that I've made, and maybe I'll
38:53
find some of the pictures and I'll upload them.
38:56
Really cool pendant that I made that I was grinding out this one
38:59
little section of metal and my hand slipped and it just made a
39:04
divot further down. But the shape of it, and I will
39:07
post a picture with this, the shape of it is like a leaf.
39:11
So then I'm like, well, wait a minute, I can just keep making
39:14
divots in a little pattern. And then it, it literally.
39:16
And then I started adding etching into it and it became so
39:20
much cooler than it would have been because I fucked up.
39:23
And then I just ran with it. So then that led to me taking a
39:29
lapidary arts training because I was into crystals, I was into
39:32
metal smithing. I didn't want to keep buying the
39:34
cabochon stones, which if you don't know what a cabochon is,
39:37
it's the like Dome top, flat, but not always Dome top, but
39:40
flat backstone that they you make the setting and then you
39:43
set the stone into the setting. And I got sick of buying them
39:47
from other people and I'm like, I want to do this.
39:49
So I went to my local gem and mineral society and I joined up
39:52
with them and I did a lapidary arts training and I met some
39:55
really cool is honestly like all older guys, really cool older
39:59
guys that had so much knowledge. And one of them was a lifelong
40:04
jeweler like fine jewelry. And as you can tell, as I'm
40:09
talking, I'm get so excited because one thing led to the
40:12
next thing. And I started finding things
40:14
that I felt passionate about. And it was like I experienced
40:19
for the first time joy, like true, true joy.
40:24
And I, I think I'd noticed flickers of it in the past, but
40:28
until finding all of these things in one led to the next
40:31
led to the next, I'd never really known what would full on
40:36
bring me joy that I could keep going back to.
40:40
And I found it. And now I've moved.
40:43
I don't have the space for to do the laboratory arts, but I am
40:48
once, hopefully this winter, the never ending winter breaks, I'm
40:52
going to set up my metal smithing workshop down in my
40:54
basement so I can just head down there and keep working on stuff.
40:58
Because there is something beautiful for me about putting
41:04
on music and having some metal laid out in front of me.
41:09
Pulling out one of the 8 million cabochons that I've made and
41:13
just I literally will talk to it and be like, what do you want to
41:15
be and what kind of metal do I want to use?
41:18
I love working with copper. FYI, if you get into this
41:21
copper, I mean all metal is toxic, but copper is
41:24
extraordinarily toxic. So please make sure that you
41:27
have proper ventilation and, and I mean heavy duty masking and
41:32
make sure that you are showering afterwards.
41:36
Wash your clothes afterwards. Like just be extremely
41:39
thoughtful. And same with some of the
41:42
stones. A lot of them have some pretty
41:44
toxic elements in them. And there's some that I have
41:49
that I've worked with specifically, like I have a
41:53
these big beautiful chunks of golden Tiger's eye, red Tiger's
41:57
eye, and blue Tiger's eye from Africa.
41:59
Like straight from Africa. They came caked in the red sand.
42:03
Like, I mean, they're amazing. They look like giant slabs of
42:07
bacon, but they are so high in toxic like I'm trying to
42:14
remember. I haven't worked with it in so
42:15
long, but I want to say it's arsenic that you have to cut
42:19
them outdoors and you have to be extremely cautious when working
42:23
with them. And you can smell it.
42:24
Some of them it smells like sulfur.
42:27
Some of the older ones that have fossils in them like Turrotella
42:29
agate is one of my absolute favorites.
42:31
But it smells like sulfur and gas being released because it
42:35
is. And guess what that's ancient.
42:37
It's toxic. So if you get into this, learn
42:42
from people that are really knowledgeable and definitely
42:46
check out some of Ashley's info with Love and Light school
42:49
because she gets so heavily into the science and the the chemical
42:53
makeup and everything of it. So you, you really, it's not
42:56
just it's a pretty stone. Go do something with it.
42:58
There's a lot more to it. So yeah, I found my joy and I
43:03
started making things and now like all the jewelry that I wear
43:07
is stuff that I made. So then on top of it, I have
43:10
that feeling of pride and accomplishment because I made
43:14
this like, how cool is it? And it just, it was the first
43:21
steps toward me finding me. And this podcast is the follow
43:27
up to that. It's knowing that I'm going to
43:31
say I'm going to have pauses, I'm going to fumble over words
43:35
and guess what? That's me and that's just how it
43:39
is. And I often will do that where I
43:41
say and and then I have a pause. I've heard that in some of the
43:43
recordings. I'm working on catching that.
43:46
But you know what, whatever, it's not going to be all pretty
43:48
and polished because I'm not all pretty and polished.
43:51
I am raw and unique and authentic.
43:55
I, I'm kind of a Unicorn. We all are unicorns.
43:59
It's just taking the time to figure out what is it about you
44:03
specifically that is your Unicorn Ness man, that is making
44:08
me think I'm going to do an episode on what is your, what
44:11
are your Unicorn qualities? Because you are someone
44:16
beautiful and magical and special and powerful.
44:23
And maybe you just haven't seen it yet.
44:25
So my hope through these episodes is that you find some
44:30
of the glimmers and I talk about triggers a lot.
44:33
And triggers bring up negative emotions.
44:34
Glimmers bring up positive. There are those little moments
44:38
that you have that awareness and recognition of like, wow, I, I
44:41
do that. That's pretty cool.
44:44
And being able to recognize that there are things that I
44:48
guarantee that you do or traits that you have that are so normal
44:52
to you that you don't realize that they're pretty special.
44:55
So my challenge wrapping up this whole long episode is that you
45:03
take the time to learn who you are.
45:05
Yeah, you may be a mom or dad. Guess what?
45:07
You're a person too. And your kids need to see that.
45:10
Your partner needs to see that. You need to see that.
45:14
You need to see that you are your own unique individual with
45:17
your own wants and desires and loves.
45:20
And I'm not saying to do any of that to the detriment of
45:23
everyone else. If you're doing things that hurt
45:25
people, that is not OK. I will shut that shit down hard.
45:29
But you are allowed to explore. Who are you?
45:32
You are allowed to say I need to just be quiet for a little bit.
45:38
I need some space. This is what I need in this
45:41
moment. To your kids, to your friends,
45:43
to your family. And most importantly, set some
45:46
boundaries. Boundaries are an incredible
45:49
thing. They are necessary.
45:52
I'll do more episodes on boundaries specifically.
45:56
They are how you show people that they are allowed to treat
45:59
you and to be involved in your life and to love you or care for
46:04
you and you decide what they are.
46:08
And I just want, I don't know, I want to spread some love and joy
46:13
and connection. So this is me.
46:16
And do with it what you will. I hope that if you feel so
46:22
inclined, share one of your glimmers about yourself in the
46:28
comments or if you don't want to do it publicly, you can send me
46:31
a message. I do believe my e-mail is on
46:35
there. It's unlocking the Paradigm
46:36
portal@gmail.com. And I would really love to hear
46:41
from you. What are some of your glimmers?
46:43
We talk about triggers so much. Let's focus on the glimmers for
46:45
a little bit. So I will say for today, one of
46:49
my glimmers let me think is doing this actually, because I,
46:55
I normally try to have like a framework or a structure because
46:59
I, I have a pretty heavy dose of ADHD and I can kind of ping pong
47:06
around because especially when it's things I get caught up
47:08
with, I need to have something that I can kind of follow.
47:12
But today I didn't have one. Actually, I started with one and
47:15
then I quickly pitched it and literally deleted it off my
47:18
computer while I was talking. I was just like, Nope, we're
47:20
going to just roll with this. So you got the unfiltered,
47:24
authentic version of me. I would love to know the
47:27
authentic, unfiltered version of you.
47:31
So leave me some comments like share, subscribe.
47:35
I mean, you don't have to do that.
47:36
I want more than anything for you just to hear it.
47:38
And maybe if it strikes a note in you, that's awesome and I
47:43
will be back for more soon. Fantastic.
47:49
I don't know how to end it, so I'm just going to say thank you
47:51
for listening. Have a wonderful day.