Latest / Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily / Priest by Sierra Simone - Can We Get a Clean-Up in the Confessional Booth?

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Priest by Sierra Simone - Can We Get a Clean-Up in the Confessional Booth? · Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily

0:00
Hi friends, you're listening to Lose the Pot with Carla and
0:03
Emily in this episode. We're reading, Priest.
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By Sierra Simone. We are talking about the entire
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book. So.
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Warning. There will be spoilers.
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I'm Carla. And 1 1/2 inches of damnation
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and all I could think about was sinking deeper into hell.
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I'm Emily. I'm nobody's Princess right now.
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I'm a panting lamb. Before we delve into today's
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sacred episode, we humbly ask for a small favour.
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If our past reflections have spoken to your soul and you wish
0:48
for us to continue sharing these messages, take a moment right
0:52
now to offer a five star rating on your chosen platform and
0:56
share our journey with a friend who might appreciate the depths
0:59
of our depravity. Your support sustains us.
1:03
Thank you for your devotion, the way I'm staring at a wall.
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I'm like, I can't. I can't look at it.
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Oh, so we have an exciting new sound effect for today.
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Should that be a trigger warning?
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No, No. Yeah.
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Let's save it for times when we need to repent.
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Like when things are getting. Too musty.
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Shall we say? Musty, like the candles in
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church. We need that sound to bring us
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back to the lights. I've been spiraling for hours.
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I don't think there's anything that can bring me back.
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Not in a good way. Not in a happy way.
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I'm glad I finished it last night and you finished it today.
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So it's nice and fresh. Nice and fresh, unlike the
1:47
communion wafers. And like, just like, what does
1:52
that mean? So let's get on to our trigger
1:56
warnings. These are from
2:00
triggerwarningdatabase.com. Slut shaming, sexual assault,
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mentioned revenge porn, emotionally abusive
2:06
relationship, recounted suicide, disgust, alcohol consumption and
2:11
stalking. How do we feel about those?
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There should be another one. Because there was.
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I can't remember what it's called.
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He. Puts it in while she's asleep.
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What is that called? Well, sexual assault mentioned.
2:24
That's what I thought it might be, no.
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Because she wasn't so. Literally happened in the
2:28
present. Is that what you mean?
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Because that's what I no. Well, I mean she wasn't
2:31
assaulted. It was a kink.
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Is it not a kink? My eyes are dotting.
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Google is my friend, although this is just from one website so
2:41
this is their list. They are allowed to be.
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Wrong. No, I don't know.
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All I got was sleep Dickens. Woo yay, sexsomnia.
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Sexsomnia. I remember it from book ages
2:55
ago. I had a name.
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Well, I I don't know. Let's just say it's sexual
3:00
assault mentioned. Like I said though, this wasn't
3:04
directly from the author because I went to the.
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First, Google search. That's how much time I had for
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this book. OK, I hope everyone I don't know
3:13
has been doing good things, has confessed lately, has gone to
3:17
communion, has done their confirmation, has been baptized.
3:20
So say your prayers now because we're just going to have had
3:24
their back blown out. Like everything.
3:26
I hope everyone's done everything possible to prepare
3:30
for us talking about this book, which I mean, you have no
3:33
warning. We don't tell you what book
3:34
we're doing. Sometimes we do on TikTok.
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But you have. Not been warned.
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And you're coming in just fresh. Like, cool, cool.
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I wish I was warned. More Yeah, I wasn't.
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Prepared. You know what?
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The most ironic? Thing is, this book is called
3:50
Priest A love Story. I wasn't prepared to be in a
3:55
man's head for so long. It was foul.
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But also, how are you going to use the main tagline, A love
4:01
story, when it should have said a porn.
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A porn. Also, this man had two tabs open
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in his head at all times and it was God and sex.
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Yeah, there was nothing else. Trekkingy was trying to like
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merge that together. Oh my.
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God. He's a slut for.
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Daddy. God, Daddy, he's he's a slut for
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that anointing oil. You know what though?
4:29
The POV was literally the biggest fumble in the history of
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this book because this is for a female audience.
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You just took it away the hot priest taboo kink from me and
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made me think about me constantly being hard all day.
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For what? A buck tooth bitch.
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Exactly what is he 12? Literally.
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Literally. Honestly.
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And by the way, the confusion I had after I read this book, I
4:59
was like, maybe I do believe in God.
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And then it was not because of the porn.
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It was because. It was because.
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He was jammed down my throat every two seconds, literally,
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And I was like, I see his view though.
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So it's like. Am I this tortured man or am I
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bucktooth Becky? I.
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Don't know 'cause we got like 2 sentences as poppy.
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It was just when she was confessing.
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And did she even confess confessions?
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Like. What?
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Why was she even confessing, though?
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Working in a strip club. Hi there.
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Like I'm here. Chill, chill, chill.
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Like who cares if we would? We could actually.
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Shake. My ass.
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Look, if incels are to believe we've all worked in the strip
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club anyway, we're all essentially strippers.
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It's my 9:00 to 5:00. So what's the problem?
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What is the problem? It's what I've been doing daily.
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Oh, no. I just want to mention why we're
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here. God is mentioned in this book
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194 times. Pussy.
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He's only 36. I feel like God was subtle in
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this. I don't.
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Know why? Yeah, there.
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Was so much really because I was questioning whether I should
6:15
join a church and I tell jam down my throat.
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He was jam down in my throat. Jam.
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Down in my throat. OK, which church you picking?
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Which flavor? There's a flavor, There's a
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sauce. It's like a fucking.
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Entire road map of. How many ways you can go?
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With this. I didn't go to.
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So you've got the umbrella of Christianity, and then you've
6:38
got all the branches of religions on the Christianity.
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If I'm going to go churchy, I want to go hard in.
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I want to go full Roman Catholic.
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I want to be disgraceful. I want young people to yell at
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me about my views. You want to you want to give up
6:58
birth control and just pop out 800 children?
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I mean, I'm halfway there. Halfway there.
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OK, scan where this is going? Can we not join a religion or
7:15
cult today? Like, can we baseline?
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Should we start what? No, we agree.
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No, I'm not going to sign up for some fucking church or cult.
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No, to be fair, if I'm doing anything, Yep, I've got cults.
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I'm going into a cult. Oh, definitely some weird ass,
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man. You want to be groomed.
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As an adult by some weird guy with a beard.
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But not into like, oh wait, that's Christianity.
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No. Illegal.
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You got into doing like shrooms or something.
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I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Not not a sexual. Abuse cop?
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No. No, no, no, no.
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I think you come. In on the mushroom level and
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then you end out on the sexual assault.
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Well, Midsummer. Is that the movie Midsummer?
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Oh, I haven't seen that yet. It's the one where she burns her
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boyfriend in a bear suit. Have I seen it?
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No. That's the only thing.
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Dude. Why choose man or bear when you
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can just have both? The debate Who needs it.
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I'm picking bear every time. Oh, every time.
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A bear Every time. A bear.
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Because the bear doesn't really care about me.
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Oh no. It's either hungry or you're
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near. It's children.
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That's it. That is it.
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Yeah, they're not trying to, like, figure out how many holes.
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And I've seen that many bears. I watched a video of a bear
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stealing a vacuum. Today I'm.
8:42
Choosing. Maybe they'll vacuum.
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But yeah, just the irony. A love story.
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Let's stop there. Like, come on, start there, come
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on now. At what?
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Percentage did you realize? This wasn't a love story.
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There's no love in this story. Okay, there's no love.
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The only thing that he likes about her is that she does
9:04
volunteer work. There was nothing else.
9:07
You know what though? He was a man.
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Wait. What's his name again?
9:11
Tyler So Tyler, Sorry. It sounds very wise.
9:15
Tyler be fucking in college. Tyler be plowing head down, ass
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up. He is hot.
9:27
He's taking the holy sacrament in the pool.
9:30
His fingers deep, constantly. Fingers, chin balls deep.
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He's everywhere. Deep.
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He's how is he studying all these philosophical things and
9:43
just he's railroading bitch Okay.
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And you think I've learned, and you think I've learned about the
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church is that they're all horny as fuck.
9:52
All the time. That's probably a lie, Yeah.
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Because you're consuming this kind of media.
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No. There was a girl I used to work
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with and she was telling me one and she was full go to church
10:04
girl and she was telling me about all her vibrators one day.
10:07
And I was like, maybe not. You're like, keep it to
10:11
yourself. Where does the religion start?
10:14
When does the next toys begin? So let's start.
10:19
Already. Tyler Sorry, Tyler.
10:21
So forgettable. He's dicking down.
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He's. Dicking.
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Down all through college, he pops out of college, pops out
10:27
some pussy anyway, so he pops out of college.
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His. Sister.
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Dies yes weren't warrant. So that's his trauma.
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Yes, she was molested. But the priest?
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OK, I understand the trauma behind it.
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Terrifying. Terrible.
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I do not understand why he decided to become a priest.
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Literally. He's like, you know what
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Hashtag. Not all men.
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I'm. Sure, He really wanted to
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turntables. Yeah, I know he wanted to fix.
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Things. But I'm sure Lizzie was not
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like, you know what? I want none of you to have sex
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ever again. Right.
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That's going to fix everything. No.
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But I think he wanted to infiltrate from the inside.
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Out. Get them all, girl.
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So he didn't really do well. He lasted 3 years.
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You know what? Though.
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If you're. Plowing that much and you make
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this much of A decision to repent your heathen ways and
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become celibate? Yes.
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Wouldn't you fucking do it longer for three years?
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You're weak. Bitch.
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He was so weak. He was so weak.
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Weakest. He was in the confessional
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booth, as he does all the time, and someone in the general
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demographic of his age group popped in.
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That was female, Yeah, And he was instantly.
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Hooked the. Only reason he's last this long
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is because it's usually Rowan in the confession booth.
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And you can imagine old people, you know, unattractive people.
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Not he's the right. Yeah.
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He's not Aaron Johnson. What's his name?
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Aaron Taylor Johnson. He's not Aaron Taylor Johnson.
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Looking. For a Gilf.
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He's out here just. I don't know.
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Being normal fucking. Just.
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So he's in there. Confessions, blah blah.
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Doesn't even see her face. She's got to come out looking
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like the biggest monger. He doesn't even hear the words
12:16
out of her mouth. He's just like Husky.
12:19
But then he. Saw her after and he saw them
12:22
buck teeth and he was just hooked on them.
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Buck teeth. Done.
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Them. Buckaroos.
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I just don't understand, huh. And he was just like the fact
12:35
that she has an imperfection he practices in his pants.
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He was juicing in his pants constantly.
12:42
Frequently. Frequently.
12:44
I hope he has a good dry cleaner.
12:46
That's embarrassing. Do you think Millie was doing
12:48
his washing? Ah, she was cooking his meal.
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Yeah. So she's like, cleaning these
12:52
spermy pants. There's a point where she let
12:55
herself into his retory. Whatever that means.
13:06
Oh, you know she is. That's how she knew about it.
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Later, she was letting herself in.
13:10
No, because she saw the jizzy pants.
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She's just like she's been seeing the jizzy pants for four
13:16
years now. Yeah, but he wasn't this Jizzy.
13:19
To be fair, because remember, yeah, he wasn't.
13:22
That. Handsy with himself.
13:24
He was being a. Good.
13:25
Boy, for three years, even his brothers were making fun of him.
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True. So, you know, talking about the
13:30
books will be about the brothers.
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Talking about, yeah, the other books and the brothers, did you
13:34
see the last page where it was like follow Sean as he falls in
13:38
love with a nun? You're going to hell.
13:41
But what is this? The same falls in love as this
13:45
book because it just means he's going to flower nun for the
13:47
whole book. Yeah, that was the soundtrack to
13:51
the book. It'd be slapping.
13:53
So that's. Tyler.
13:56
He's got no qualities, no personality, no personality, no
14:01
looks. The only thing I know is he has
14:03
ABS and he's hot. We just don't know what he looks
14:05
like. Yeah, He's a do it yourself
14:07
adventure, yeah. Which?
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I would be all for if we were in Poppy's point of view.
14:13
How are you going to have this? As a concept?
14:15
Somewhat right it or right to be believable and then take that
14:19
away from us. I want to think about my
14:21
metaphorical Dick all day like I don't.
14:25
Why am I hearing this? Are they trying to turn US gay?
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Oh, like what? Are they because I feel like if.
14:33
You're having a female audience for a smart Why are you giving
14:35
us heterosexual sex from the males point of view?
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Is it supposed to give us the pining?
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Is that the no? I don't know because he gave me
14:43
the ick. He was just constantly whinging.
14:45
He got so equally always. Crying in a.
14:48
Bathtub. He.
14:50
Put the tip in and was crying in his fucking bathroom.
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No, no, no, no, no, no. Before we get to the tip, let's
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talk about Poppy Danforth, AKA Bucktooth Pecky.
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So I am not a girl's girl in this book because Bucktooth
15:07
Pecky didn't bring anything to the plot.
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No. So she was just a sex doll.
15:13
She literally was a sex doll. She was just.
15:15
There. She had no personality.
15:17
She was just trying to. Find herself so she just rocked
15:21
up to this church to confess. Her first confession was so.
15:24
Vague. And then he was just like.
15:26
Come back another day, bitch. I want to.
15:27
Confess there and then. Yeah.
15:29
Why are you dragging this out? So she had enough.
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Time to go on the website. And check out how.
15:36
He is, he is. And that's when she was watch.
15:39
I mean, the next time she went and confessed, she was like
15:42
panty less panty, less pussy out.
15:45
There was a lot of panty less behavior in this whole book.
15:48
Go. What are you doing?
15:50
I can't handle the breeze. Who is Poppy?
15:52
Why should I care? As the reader, yeah, she comes
15:56
from a life of privilege. She really wanted to get with
15:59
her, let's say high school sweetheart, even though he's
16:02
kind of sterling sterling top two businessman, has the good
16:06
family, blah blah white picket fence.
16:08
But he got married to someone else because she was kind of the
16:12
girl that you fuck with, not the girl you marry.
16:15
Which doesn't make any sense because she comes from a good
16:18
family. I know the family.
16:19
Picked. The more basic bitch, Yeah,
16:21
yeah. OK.
16:22
But she keeps cheating with him after he's married.
16:25
Yeah. Like he tracks her down, stalks
16:27
her when she's working at the strippers.
16:29
Yeah. And.
16:31
She hooks up with him anyway. Yeah, so she is a pygmy.
16:35
We don't really know what she wants though.
16:36
Like she No, You don't know anything.
16:39
Not a single thing. Don't you think if you went to
16:42
that? Church website and realized the
16:44
guy you were talking to is hot as fuck and you're physically
16:47
attracted to him and you want to burn his brains out.
16:50
That's probably not the church for you if you're actually
16:53
looking for something to help you with your life, yeah.
16:57
Also, why do people care that much about other people?
17:01
Do you know what I mean? I.
17:01
Can't really need some context. They're like, obsessed with each
17:06
other. And I literally, I see a whole
17:08
guy on the street. I'm like, wow.
17:09
And then that's it. Yeah.
17:10
I never think about them again. So true.
17:13
Like, I'm not what was sitting around breaking about that
17:16
conversation. I just don't understand that how
17:18
she was sitting in confessional rubbing one out while he they
17:22
were confessing. And don't you think that makes
17:24
things worse? You're coming in here because
17:26
you had an affair with somebody who you know is married, right.
17:29
So why do you think rubbing one out to someone who's trying?
17:34
To be a. Priest trying to do his job.
17:36
I know, I know, he was fucking disgusting anyway, but he's
17:40
trying in. He's trying to do his job well.
17:43
It's kind of like desperate. It.
17:45
Yes, and to me. I wouldn't trust her because I'm
17:48
like, why is she fetishizing me for what I'm doing?
17:52
Homework. Yes, I feel like.
17:54
She's the wrong person. Who?
17:55
If she had a lawyer, should try and fuck the lawyer.
17:57
Or if she had a therapist, she'd try and fuck the therapist.
18:01
That's who she is. Yeah, yeah.
18:02
It was definitely the fact that he was Priest.
18:04
Yeah. So.
18:06
She. Comes in off the street.
18:08
Isn't that then, in your perception, the devil?
18:10
Hello. Hello.
18:12
Trying to tempt you? Duh.
18:14
But he just falls for it. He goes I.
18:17
Can't wait, just just ram it in her.
18:19
Just the way his brain works too, because he got halfway and
18:22
then he's like, oh, it's just God's will.
18:24
I'm like. What?
18:26
And he's like God is trying to test me but.
18:27
I got it. Tested a few more times.
18:31
Well, the way she did. One confession.
18:35
And then he was humping his bed in the morning.
18:37
Like, immediately. Like in puberty.
18:39
Yeah, it's foul. Like.
18:41
Three years without sex doesn't just make you reset to 12 years
18:45
old. It's surely not.
18:46
Surely you're still just a man. Who has?
18:49
Management of his hormones, I don't know.
18:52
I just don't. Understand me.
18:54
Either, and he Not only that, this is the first I think,
18:57
mention we get of the Lamb. And because he goes, not the
19:01
wolf who had woken up grinding his hips into the mattress.
19:04
What? Oh, OK.
19:05
I must have missed the wolf. Reference.
19:07
I would have lost my top if I read that properly.
19:10
I'm sick of little lambs, little bunnies, little fucking whatever
19:13
elses lamb is offensive as fuck. Give me a little goat.
19:17
Give me a hairy. Little.
19:21
Honestly. It's like a little sheep.
19:22
He's supposed to call his parishioners or whatever.
19:25
Fuck Lambs, Little Lambs. I lead my Lambs.
19:28
I'm the Shepherd. You are the Lambs.
19:29
So he's going to turn around and defile one of his lambs.
19:35
Defiles the Lambs, the church. The Church.
19:40
You're worried about the building?
19:42
But yes, but his Lambs are also. Families and.
19:46
Children. Yeah, Full circle.
19:49
So who's a little Lamb? Now.
19:51
Pedo Priest. Who?
19:53
Pedo Pedo pest Pedo Priest says what?
19:56
And then he's just like, what? Sorry, it's just.
20:01
Blown imagination. We need help.
20:06
I was. Like where is this going?
20:09
Everything. Just leads back to pedophilia.
20:11
It's mine. It's.
20:12
The Church, actually, it's what happened to his sister.
20:18
Like, that's what's even wacky doodle.
20:20
Because, like, wouldn't she be worried that any of this could
20:23
be seen as grooming? Because.
20:25
You're in a position of power being a priest, right?
20:27
Because you're telling them what to do in the most vulnerable
20:31
times of their life. So you jacking off in the
20:33
confessional 1.5 minutes after meeting her, which I know wasn't
20:36
that first time. Yes, she's jacking off.
20:38
You're jacking off. This is going to be a fucking
20:40
problem. Wasn't.
20:41
It the 2nd. Time He couldn't even make it to
20:43
his desk. Why?
20:47
What has? Poppy Danforth got that?
20:48
We all don't have beer flavored nipples.
20:55
No he doesn't. He loves his squatch in whiskey.
20:58
Oh right, he just became full blown alcoholic by the end.
21:01
And I was like, shouldn't you be praying?
21:04
Why did you just pick up all of the alcohol?
21:06
Like isn't the whole point? Where's the prayers?
21:09
He just. Dropped the.
21:11
Get to You literally dropped the rosary beads and picked up the
21:14
alcohol. Also, I feel like in the second
21:17
confessional, literally when he was starting to confess things
21:20
to himself, he pretty much wanted to breed with her
21:23
immediately. And I was.
21:24
Like this bitch. OK, she literally only just told
21:28
you that she fucked her ex, who's married and he was
21:32
jealous. She's like works at a strip club
21:35
still, and she was a stripper and she was retelling how she
21:38
would push her pussy into people's.
21:41
Face. And you're thinking, oh wait,
21:44
shit, why push her pussy into their face?
21:48
She is telling him how she used to finger herself in front of
21:53
them, legs spread and all because she, not the legs
21:57
spread, not the spreading legs. At least.
21:59
If you keep them. Closed.
22:00
You're closer to Jesus. Dignity.
22:05
That's the dignity. Have some class and.
22:09
Honestly. Legs are cute.
22:11
What the? Hell.
22:13
Cross them at least. Legs spread.
22:19
Jesus can see you. He's not supposed to see a thing
22:23
I'm close to. The Lord.
22:25
For the Lord thou Lord. Look, God's already.
22:28
Seen everything, Tyler? He's seen a little dorm room
22:32
shenanigans. There's a bit at the end that
22:34
makes. Me.
22:35
Question a lot of things. Oh my God, I think I know what
22:37
you're talking. Don't worry.
22:40
I've got a note about it. We we'll get we're.
22:41
Getting there. But the thought I can't wait.
22:44
I know. I can't wait.
22:45
He can't wait. He.
22:47
Can't wait to put his. Dick in No telling.
22:50
Me that. He.
22:52
He fucking. Lied.
22:54
To. Himself acting like.
22:57
He was just going to. Stick the tongue in or, then
23:02
stick the thingies in or stick the tip in.
23:05
He didn't even have self-control from the start.
23:07
He wanted to. Breed with this girl.
23:09
OK, OK. Winding it back.
23:12
Winding it back. Because let's talk about how
23:16
this man fucking world is ending because he's thinking about sex
23:21
and he's like, God will never forgive me.
23:23
But then the confession, the girl's confessing this is what
23:27
she says she's like. Actually, I didn't write it
23:31
down, but literally, like literally the word verbatim.
23:36
But I didn't write it down. She's like, I just want to be
23:40
stuffed. I just want, do you remember?
23:42
She's like, I just want my pussy filled.
23:44
My ass fingered. Just call her Krispy Kreme.
23:48
Yeah. She's like, I just want
23:50
everything. And he's like, oh, no.
23:53
And then that's when I feel like this is exactly how I was
23:58
summarizing the book to my boyfriend.
24:03
And. Then he's like bending.
24:05
Her over the piano, eating her out.
24:07
What? Yeah.
24:08
What was that? About I'm.
24:09
Like and then. OK.
24:11
How did that even might? Stop happening.
24:13
My. Probably is.
24:15
He's so worried about having sex, he's like, Oh no, I've had
24:18
sex. You've defiled the church.
24:20
He doesn't. Even care about.
24:22
That. But doesn't.
24:24
Even I'm like. You think you're going to lose
24:26
your job because you had sex with a woman?
24:28
It's probably because he had sex on all the surface and you
24:32
literally like a little Sacramento cloth thing with you.
24:37
Fucking. Juice.
24:39
I don't know what any of this shit means, but.
24:42
Still. Send it thing to somebody
24:45
someone's worried don't they wipe their mouths when they
24:49
drink the wine? So Millie got her wiping her
24:52
mouth with his cum cloth. Yeah, literally.
24:54
It was her pussy juice that he like.
24:56
Wiped all. Over it.
24:57
When somebody think of the children, the children.
24:59
Are little. Lambs the.
25:00
Millies. So she's trying to leave up to
25:03
her confession about her ass being fingered.
25:08
Right. Which is like us every Tuesday.
25:11
I mean, you're just trying to get on to your next chore, yeah?
25:14
Just. Got places to be, bitches to
25:17
see, right? Fucking Gardens.
25:20
To town. Stick your ass up on this
25:22
fucking altar. He's like, just let me go.
25:24
Ham sandwich on you. Yes.
25:29
And he was. Obsessed with her soapy,
25:32
lavender puss smell. Oh, you know, like it's even
25:35
worse. Of course.
25:37
Of course, she's never been eaten out by a man and tired.
25:40
She's a fucking she's a lie. She's a lie.
25:43
She's out here rubbing one out in front of weird, crusty rich
25:47
men and you're telling me she's never?
25:49
You know what? Imagine if she got in the wrong
25:52
confessional and she's just rubbing one out, confessing us
25:58
to Bishop. Both.
26:01
It's Millie she's like. Not.
26:03
Millie, she's like, I'm just sitting here cleaning.
26:06
Like. And then there was like this
26:08
white crusty bit in the corner. I just need to fix it.
26:14
She's like, please stop. Talking.
26:17
She's trying to worry about the shit stains.
26:21
Poor Millie. There's always an old person in
26:23
Sluts and I feel so bad for them.
26:26
There isn't the enemy. Or they're just like an innocent
26:28
old person. Just.
26:31
Packed away? OK, I have to hear Ohh, we're
26:36
not even finished with the sexy. Sorry.
26:37
Because not only that, they she ends up humping him into
26:41
oblivion on the sacred carpet. I don't understand.
26:45
Was he going in? No.
26:47
He's going through. No, it was lips flaps.
26:51
She's. Was flapping away.
26:53
She's. Flapjacking all.
26:54
Over and. She was hot dogging.
26:57
Don't hot dog. He's got a massive Dick, like
27:00
every. She's out here working.
27:02
Out Wendy's. And you know what, though?
27:07
If you have a Dick that big, how are?
27:09
You hot dog. Jack flapping it Girls, I don't
27:12
want to know. I want to know Okay girls got
27:15
the Kylie. Jenner Lip.
27:17
Well, we're talking about he's longer and wider Dick than any
27:21
other normal person as he puts it somewhere.
27:23
Yes. He's like, she's making it fit
27:25
in her mouth with their teeth. Come on now.
27:28
Come on now. She's just flipped those veneers
27:30
back. I was like, it's not longer and
27:34
wider. If her teeth are in the way,
27:36
Maybe they're fakies. She's not chomping down.
27:39
Maybe they're like, she got the buck tooth for the aesthetic and
27:42
she just whips them out. Well, she was, Peter, panning
27:45
them colors day in, day out. I'm not OK.
27:48
Yeah. Like, how is she making it work?
27:51
Work. Make a.
27:52
Work at what? Point is that just.
27:56
Sex anyway, because. And she has.
27:59
It's just. Soaking.
28:00
At this point, you're raw, dogging each other's genitals.
28:03
Sorry, it's sex. It.
28:06
If you're able to share an STI, it's sex.
28:10
I mean, if he's coming everywhere, it sucks.
28:13
When Millie walks in the church and she sees you fucking dry
28:16
humping him, it sucks. It's sex.
28:19
She's going to be like, wow, this is sex.
28:22
And she's not going to be otherwise.
28:26
Why did no one walk in? Ever?
28:28
How did they get away with it? The church's doors were open all
28:30
the time. They're always open.
28:32
And you know what? Churches smell musty and they
28:36
are trying to get renovation money.
28:37
So you know, it was crusty as fast.
28:41
She probably loved it, though. She's like, this is my
28:43
repentance. For what I did with Sterling,
28:46
no. Yes.
28:48
That's what she thinks. It is getting double dicked down
28:52
by this holy man. It's her service to the Lord.
28:55
She's very confused. She's new, OK?
28:57
She's new. To.
28:58
Catholicism. OK, I don't understand how no
29:02
one got the ick, though. Reading this book.
29:04
They were like, this is the hottest book I've ever read.
29:06
Are you sure? Have you checked all the
29:08
reviews? No, I actually haven't.
29:10
But I'm assuming I've seen. OK, I've seen some tik toks
29:13
about it, so yeah, yeah, but you haven't seen House of the
29:16
Dragon, have you? No.
29:17
Damn it. Someone's going to know what I'm
29:20
talking about. He, Christian Cole, the shit out
29:22
of this book. He was like, I had sex for the
29:25
first time. I'm going to marry her.
29:27
My life is ending because I had sex.
29:30
I mean, he's not trying to kill her, but you know, he probably
29:32
would. What's weird, though?
29:34
So let's jump to the part where they're just.
29:36
Fucking. They broke the seal on that so
29:38
early and with not much real resistance.
29:42
He was just like, I'm just going to do this.
29:45
She Oh yeah, like the sex where he put the tip in or the sex.
29:49
Sex just just generally just general of what he's doing is
29:52
sex anyway. You can't be fucking chin deep
29:55
in someones hand parmigiana and tell me that you're not having
29:57
sex. It's all the same.
30:00
God can see you. Actually, I feel like we had
30:02
this. We had this exact conversation
30:07
when we read. God.
30:10
Try 6 Venom. Yeah, and they were like, we're
30:13
not having sex and we're like, you're scissoring day in, day
30:17
out. It's sex.
30:19
It is sex. It is sex.
30:20
We are the gods. Of sex.
30:22
And we choose what is and what is not sex.
30:24
Everything is sex. Everything.
30:26
Everything. That drink you're drinking.
30:29
Sex. She shows up.
30:31
They have a fight. It blocks me what the fight's
30:34
about. Yeah, they have this little
30:36
teeny Willy argument. Wouldn't be an argument to me.
30:39
And then she shows up at 3:00 in the morning drenched in her
30:43
Jimmy Jams. No underwear, no bra.
30:45
Wasn't it as well? No bra drenched, no bra.
30:48
White T-shirt. Come on now.
30:50
And red lips. I was confused.
30:53
I was like, so she just applied some red lips to run over in her
30:57
PJ's. It's giving Taylor Swift.
30:59
Oh, not Taylor. OK, Tay Tay, calm down the red
31:03
lip. No.
31:04
Sure, she doesn't even do that thing that you like.
31:07
Stop it. Stop.
31:11
What's sporadically quoting Taylor Swift's lyrics?
31:14
Leave her alone. Never leave me alone.
31:18
Yeah, so she rocks up this. She's like, here's some alcohol
31:21
in the whole, yeah. So that's a great place to
31:24
start. I didn't even know priest.
31:26
Drunk. Alcohol.
31:27
Well, he's Irish so it kind of evens it out.
31:31
If not alcohol, then what then what?
31:33
Pussy? I.
31:38
Just don't understand. Like.
31:40
Do you take any of your? Sacrament or whatever the fuck.
31:43
Seriously. He.
31:44
Used to. Annoy his alcohol to annoy he's
31:48
asshole. He's awesome.
31:52
OK, I'm gonna. Confess something.
31:55
When it got all sexy, I skipped a couple chapters and I think I
31:59
missed the anal to love Pipeline and.
32:01
I'm. So.
32:03
No, because it's sort of fucking important.
32:06
It's so I'll. Literally go back right now.
32:08
Oh my God, it's just pause and I'll go on audible.
32:14
Stop. Stop it.
32:15
Do you want me to jump ahead to the anal?
32:17
Oh, no, let's not. We'll get that.
32:20
We're not ready. Oh, I'm so mad at you.
32:23
Because if this wasn't the most. No.
32:26
If it was, if this wasn't the most anal to love pipeline I've
32:31
ever experienced, I probably won't missed it.
32:33
I realized at the end when I was looking for quotes literally
32:35
when you're on the way over and I was like, there's no fixing
32:39
this, it's fine, it's fine and. I'm like, when do they?
32:41
Anal. OK, Anyway, we're still at the
32:46
part where he just sticks the tip in we.
32:48
Haven't. Even talked about it.
32:49
We haven't even got, we haven't even got past the tip.
32:53
So scared that. I didn't even.
32:57
OK. 4. If it's just an inch and a half,
33:02
God will look the other way if it's just the crown.
33:06
If you talk about how. Thickens.
33:07
His Dick is an inch and 1/2. And it's.
33:10
A whole fucking coke can. The way that they.
33:14
Described it. Isn't she immediately coming
33:16
with that inch and a half? Yes, that's my problem.
33:19
She gives him head with her big ass fucking teeth and then he
33:22
makes it. He's.
33:24
Loving it though. He's like he's losing it.
33:28
He's like great that Dick down girl.
33:30
It's like this is how I was not aware of then he if I go sit on
33:36
the rectory or whatever his bench, which come on, you know,
33:41
that shit's uncomfy. And then he it's like I just
33:44
need to feel like a little bit of it, just a little.
33:48
Stick. He's like, don't fucking move.
33:50
Don't you damn move. He's like, I'm just putting it
33:53
in. Why was this whole?
33:56
Thing. Sir.
33:59
Is. He just gonna just.
34:00
Go all the way and call her a fucking horse slut and tell her
34:04
what to do and practically bash her across the face at this.
34:07
Point. Just go all the way.
34:10
Like just give up. She was fighting for a life on
34:14
that inch of Dick and he's she's thrashing her out.
34:20
She was thrashing and he still came everywhere.
34:24
He. Still came.
34:28
If that doesn't give you the ick, I just.
34:30
Know. I thought you.
34:31
Look, Sterling must know about the pussy bee poppin.
34:35
It's like she's Poppy's got that poppy puss because something's
34:39
going wrong with these guys. She's got it.
34:42
It is what it is. I will admit defeat, OK?
34:46
Realistically, she's got the same pussy as everyone else.
34:50
She's just daddy. Girl, that was like.
34:52
Off the. Street.
34:53
He's just going wild. What even about her personality?
34:55
Like her being halfway nice? There was nothing.
34:58
The only thing he liked about her was that she volunteered
35:01
every time to suck this dude. Oh, God.
35:05
OK, Kyle, calm down. Put Kyle away right now.
35:08
Oh. My God, my old ego like.
35:11
He did. That's the only thing he can.
35:14
He is. Every time.
35:16
He's like you agree with Kyle, I do.
35:20
But fuck. Kyle.
35:23
Every time he. Thought about her.
35:25
He was like all sex. And then she volunteered in.
35:29
Uzbekistan. I can't remember where.
35:31
It was helping people deliver babies and looking at them.
35:36
Come on now, you can't be unqualified and do that shit.
35:39
She had pH DS coming out of her dark, did she?
35:42
Oh, in business, In marketing, yeah.
35:45
But in midwifery. Midwifery.
35:49
One does not equate the other. Those midwives working year in,
35:53
year out, and she just gets in there.
35:55
She just swoops in. Her white lady privilege.
35:58
Yes. Is it raining?
36:01
Is that what that is? So it's raining.
36:03
So that's not delicious fuzzy noise in the background, but
36:06
that's what we need. We need to cleanse our sins.
36:08
So it's fine. Oh, it's heavy.
36:11
She's heavy. She's a heavy girl.
36:13
She's a very flow dude. We need a lot of God.
36:18
God is. Good.
36:22
Good like. God is telling us to shut the
36:29
fuck up right now. He's like.
36:31
Go home. Emily, get in your car.
36:34
Go home. Go.
36:35
Home. Wait, OK, she's thrashing on the
36:38
Dick. He comes everywhere, he goes
36:40
home. He probably has to have 10
36:42
roasties. He's literally goes home to
36:44
whine. But.
36:45
Why doesn't he? Ever pray to God properly, He
36:48
just goes. You know what he does instead,
36:49
he goes. How many?
36:51
Roots Can I bank up before I confess to my Co worker?
36:54
Talk. To the big man himself.
36:57
That's what he's there for. Don't wait until you want to
36:59
stop. Can.
37:00
We need to, OK. There's a moment where she's
37:04
crying in front of the cross after this, like a day or two.
37:07
Performatively, she's like it. Does this always feel like this?
37:12
And he's like, yes, I feel this once or twice a week.
37:16
It works. And like, what the fuck?
37:19
What you're feeling, girl, is the fucking guilt of ruining a
37:24
holy man. He's on a whole livelihood at
37:27
this point. He ruined himself as well.
37:29
But I just mean what you're feeling is not resolving the
37:32
need for Mal validation. He's like, you're feeling the
37:35
blissful moment of feeling God, I'm like, dude, you just had the
37:40
tip. In.
37:41
That's the Post not blush. Shame.
37:44
A shame. A shame.
37:46
For shame. For shame.
37:48
Yep. If I'm going to slut shame this
37:50
man, it's going to be. We're.
37:52
Siding with the tip and honestly, this man is constantly
37:56
hard and I. Would.
37:58
Get the egg. Anytime she walks in the room,
38:01
he's hot and she notices I just. Don't care where's the
38:04
character? Development of them as a couple,
38:06
because all they did was fuck yeah.
38:09
So he determined he wanted to wife her up and have kids with
38:13
a. Hoe.
38:14
With that, like, let's stop it. Let's.
38:16
Stop. Pearl behavior.
38:19
Pearl is rolling in her grave over this.
38:22
Rolling, rolling. She's still alive though, right?
38:26
Her soul is dead, I feel like. But OK, can we just talk about
38:31
the fact that if you're a priest and I understand Jesus hung out
38:36
with prostitutes, right? That's the vibe.
38:38
And that's, is that what he's trying to do here?
38:40
Is that the dynamic he's trying to create?
38:42
Like I'm going to save her. With my Dick.
38:45
Or I don't? Know.
38:46
She's dragging me. Down, like I'm pulling her up,
38:48
like we'll sort of even out. I feel like the blood just
38:51
started reflowing to his Dick and he just couldn't control it.
38:54
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, this part still
38:56
works. After they like, cuddle and shit
38:58
under the cross, they finally fucking decide to fuck for real,
39:02
right? It's going down.
39:04
For. And like not as.
39:10
He. Walks.
39:10
Home and they're they're stressed about people seeing
39:13
them together. So what does he do?
39:15
Fingers that are in a yard in front of everyone.
39:20
Sorry, I just had to cleanse the Kelly.
39:24
Just had to have a moment. Like who?
39:27
But doesn't she live on her own? Yes, but also see.
39:31
You can see. Into.
39:32
Her house from the church, that's what he comes because
39:35
he's like a little guy. He's actually giving Joe from
39:37
you a lot as well. Yes, he looks to see if her
39:41
car's there. I mean, Joe was wanking all over
39:44
the place in inappropriate situations as if she's.
39:47
Going to move. One block over.
39:49
I feel like she's part of the problem.
39:51
She bought the house, though. But that's convenient.
39:54
You figure out where the hot priest lives and works and then
39:58
like, come on. She.
39:59
Is insane. You cannot tell me that her
40:02
whole mission wasn't to bang a priest.
40:05
I feel like she seen the green lights and she went for go she I
40:11
she was like hot priest. Absolutely, absolutely.
40:14
She's got this sexual bucket list and she's.
40:17
Laughing about it with her girlfriends.
40:18
At the strip club, she's got it on her notes.
40:21
She's ticking them off. She's probably got three other
40:24
side plots happening right now and she's sitting there thinking
40:27
that literally, literally, she's sitting there thinking, Oh my
40:31
God, she's the one for me. She's like, here's my Thursday
40:35
and I have six other plots going on.
40:37
Well, she's never home so and you cannot tell me.
40:41
When Sterling came and they had a conversation, she slept at his
40:46
hotel. You cannot tell.
40:49
Me that they weren't double dog down digging the entire night,
40:55
the house down. Boots.
40:57
I yeah, House down. Boots, there's a point where he.
41:02
No, I don't know. I don't know.
41:04
If you've seen this. But he described her titties,
41:08
right? So the only description besides
41:10
her big ass teeth that we ever get is her titties.
41:12
Yeah, and it's big enough to squeeze, small enough to support
41:15
themselves. Do they work a nine to five?
41:18
Yeah. They're carrying.
41:19
Well, if you think about it, she was a strike.
41:21
Oh, so they be working. They be working.
41:24
They're not working. She's not working, 'cause
41:26
they're a bad. Day.
41:28
I'm like, this man is fat smart. What if you wake up though and
41:32
your titties are looking pancake Y?
41:34
Cause what if they just what day of the cycle but they just look
41:37
sad? My always look sad and it's like
41:40
a Saturday night and you're like fucking hell Blackjacks today.
41:46
Mine are good, like 3 days out of the cycle and then the rest
41:49
are the same. I've had children so they just
41:52
have left the chat. They've left the chat.
41:53
It's just skin. Stop.
41:57
Scaring me? It's not real, The titties.
42:03
Like, did they specify the nipple color?
42:09
I feel like that was in there. No, but they did specify her
42:14
pussy lips. So my transformation to Kyle was
42:17
always complete and I just put that in myself.
42:19
Yes. Cool.
42:21
Glad to know. Do you want to hear?
42:23
Let me finally tell me about them lips, girl.
42:27
Not that. Fun though.
42:29
OK, so this is like, we need to go back because there's the anal
42:33
to love. Oh yeah, right before let's go
42:35
back and forward. Kind of like that, 1 1/2 inches.
42:41
So she's asleep. And this is when he puts it in,
42:43
right? Oh.
42:44
My God, this was. So confusing.
42:48
And he goes, He describes her Hoo ha.
42:52
The page before he was describing it as a frilled pink
42:56
entrance right 100. I don't know that exact page,
42:59
but if it was. Page Why do you always?
43:01
Go to say something exact. Pussy.
43:05
Yeah, it was page 190. No, no, I'm just saying like if
43:09
it's 174 on this page it was. She had a frilled pink entrance
43:14
while he was trying to rub one out.
43:16
Frilled frilled pink entrance, then the next page.
43:21
It was a curtain. Over a sunny window or a door
43:25
closed against the noise of the party.
43:28
Wait, a sunny window. Yes, a curtain, he said.
43:32
A curtain over a sunny window or a closed door to a party of
43:37
noise. What are we?
43:40
Noise of a party in IKEA. Where are we?
43:43
Are we? You know, why don't they
43:44
flapping away? Like, is the window open?
43:49
That's. A pussy.
43:51
It's because it's so breezy. Because she never wears
43:53
underwear. Curtains be flapping, Lisa said
43:57
out at this point. Because the amount of shit going
43:59
near her vajayjay. Well, if you think about it, OK,
44:02
so they will. Turn.
44:03
His digits are just dirty like. I'm a bit of a germaphobe.
44:07
He's finger pounding her in the garden, of all places.
44:10
Yes, she's at least copping a yeasty.
44:13
At. Least.
44:14
Oh my God, absolutely. The burn off the anointing oil.
44:19
Do you know the annoying? No.
44:23
Sorry. Don't flip my tables.
44:27
You're so mad. I'm so mad because this is the
44:29
best part of. The book I'm.
44:31
So sad that I actually missed the one sexy that matters.
44:34
OK, so you know what? I read Bare Minimum Notes
44:38
because I thought she read it. He's.
44:39
Finally deciding to do her anally.
44:42
Whose idea was this? He's actually run out of holes.
44:48
They run out of holes. This is how hard they went into
44:50
the Anal to log pipeline. So he's like, oh, I don't have
44:53
anything. Well, I'm getting the Holy Bliss
44:56
oil out of the cupboard. Like he went down into the
44:59
church and got the wheel, which is probably like, actually, I'm
45:03
pretty sure he was fucking her on the altar.
45:05
That he fucked her on the. Altar at some point, but and
45:08
then he's like pouring it down and he's like fucking her.
45:12
But immediately after, like a page later, he's giving his
45:17
sister's rosaries to her because he's in love with her
45:20
immediately. Not to love Pipeline.
45:22
No. But it wasn't even like over a
45:25
couple of chapters it was anal and then love confession next
45:29
chapter. How it?
45:30
Works though. I know, but it was so hard into
45:33
it. How do you cram such a massive
45:35
Dick in an ass? He anointed the shit out of that
45:42
that asshole. Yeah, it's blessed.
45:44
The good sis got blessed in more ways than one.
45:47
Yeah, she did, but I just kind of gave it literally.
45:50
So what is God even thinking at this point?
45:53
I don't just he's worried. About all the wrong things.
45:56
Like you're telling me the voice of God right now you are worried
46:00
about all the all the wrong things.
46:02
You're telling me the Bishop or whatever did whatever they do to
46:06
that well fucks me. I don't understand a single
46:08
thing. Bless the world.
46:09
I hope it was blessed from the absolute.
46:11
Hope. I think it was.
46:15
Stop. And then he used it on her
46:17
asshole and then told I confessed to love the opinion of
46:21
someone who's actually religious.
46:23
If this is a fence, you know. No, I feel like because it it
46:27
was an oil for a certain cause and I feel like I didn't look
46:30
up. I'm pretty sure they put it on
46:31
babies and shit. Which wouldn't.
46:33
Surprise me. Wouldn't surprise me looking up
46:36
oil. The oil is just.
46:39
For obligation. If any of our listeners are
46:43
religious, can you send us an e-mail or slide into my DMS on
46:47
TikTok? And yeah, it's for baptisms and
46:49
yeah, that's. What I mean it goes on.
46:51
Babies. It goes on.
46:52
Babies. And he's using on and then
46:54
immediately confessed his love. You know, her booty particles
46:58
are now contaminating that oil somehow.
47:01
Like, what container is it in? I know it was like a little
47:04
vinyl. They used the whole oil well.
47:06
At. Least he's going to, like, throw
47:07
out the vial, Yeah. I mean, what if it was in some
47:09
shared container? He won't give a fuck.
47:13
They don't. Care about any.
47:14
Of that they do anal again not long after.
47:17
And then he talks about his love for God.
47:19
And I was like, you really leaned into that anal to love
47:23
Pipeline. Yeah, you can't get any closer
47:25
than this unless. He.
47:26
Streamed it out. As he put it in, no, I'm pretty
47:29
sure they were. I'm pretty sure they were
47:31
confessing to love while doing it as well.
47:34
Will they go? Can we talk about the time where
47:41
he sticks it in when she's asleep?
47:43
Did they talk about that beforehand?
47:44
He just did it now. He's a sexual assaulter.
47:48
Well, I mean, he was for a second because she was like, Oh
47:52
my, this is the only way I want to wake up.
47:54
Yeah, but he didn't know. That.
47:55
Before. He didn't know that before.
47:56
So yes, I would be more worried that she's going to fucking go
47:59
telling me because I'm kind of a Dick.
48:02
There's so many problems with anything.
48:04
You know, the sex scenes it was. Just.
48:07
For me, and that's why I skipped a couple chapters, is because it
48:09
was just sex. There was no little.
48:11
Tidbits about ice ski. They liked each other or
48:14
whatever. Yeah, no there wasn't.
48:16
And I skipped a lot of the God talk because I was like, this is
48:18
too much for me. And he had a whole.
48:21
Life plan. A whole five year plan already
48:24
when she hadn't even said she liked him back yet.
48:26
This was before the anal to love pipeline.
48:28
He was like, I guess I'm just going to have to quit being a
48:31
priest. I'm going to have to turn into a
48:32
teacher. And I'm actually excited about
48:34
it. And I can't wait to marry and
48:35
have babies with Poppy Danforth. Well, there was a point where he
48:38
was like sex and marriage are the exact same thing.
48:42
And I said he was calling her his wife or his betrothal before
48:46
while they were having sex at one point.
48:48
If you're hiding it from everyone, including the girl
48:50
you're fucking, yes. Stop saying that.
48:53
You're sort of setting yourself up for failure.
48:55
Yes. You know what's funny?
48:57
When she does take him into the strip club, right?
49:00
Yeah. You know what her brain wave is?
49:02
I'm going to take him where I've already told him that I've
49:05
pretty much fucked with clients like let's be real and she
49:10
fucked Sterling in the VIP rooms, that thing.
49:13
But not only. That she was like, if it makes
49:15
you feel better, I will go around fucking you.
49:18
In all the places I've had sex, she's like, oh, then you have me
49:22
in those memories as well. I'm like huh?
49:25
It's not how it works. Not how it works.
49:27
Okay fucking what's her name from Verity?
49:30
It's not your it's not your fault.
49:31
He's that insane. He's not that.
49:34
Fault. If I was, he might be like, fuck
49:36
you hoe I'm out. What?
49:38
But he'd love the shit out of that.
49:40
You know what it's so hilarious about that?
49:43
You're already role-playing something in your stupid love
49:47
life as it is, and you're turning into a less taboo thing
49:53
anyway. Like you've gone from something
49:55
that's already way more fucked up, yes, to something that's
49:58
more tame. So that's what you're going to
50:00
do for the way she was like, you have needs and we need to get
50:03
them needs out. And he's a priest and he has no
50:06
needs. And he's like, I have to fuck
50:08
you. And she's like.
50:10
Oh, we're not. Allowed to do that.
50:11
Bitch, you've. Been.
50:12
Fucking. You've been fucking.
50:13
That's why you're in this private room.
50:15
Literally. The way he's coming on her in
50:18
this exact scene, great. It's like I'm coming on her
50:21
swan's neck. EW EW EW.
50:27
How many animals is she? Is this?
50:29
Goose snake. At this point, RSPCA needs to be
50:31
called about this bitch, 'cause he keeps calling her a panting
50:34
lamb and shit like. My little lamb.
50:37
My. Lamb Chop would like to be
50:40
excluded from this narrative. Can never eat chop.
50:43
Can't eat lamb piece. Now that role play apparently
50:46
went well for them. Whatever.
50:48
I don't. Barely.
50:50
I don't see why they have to spice it up at this point.
50:53
It's already spicy. They've only been.
50:55
Together for 5 minutes. Also why?
50:57
What are they spicing? I know you fucked her ass with
51:01
annoying they've been fucking in the church, but that's already
51:04
public sex. Literally.
51:07
Had sex with her on an ultra club, That's what I mean.
51:10
I'm like less spicy. They're in a private VIP room
51:13
where everyone else is fucking. What's?
51:15
Funny is, he said. He's never.
51:16
Been in a strip. Club I was like.
51:19
You were dumb. Digging down in college, there
51:21
is no chance your life is a strip club At this point.
51:26
I'm in. Love with a stripper.
51:28
And the way she was like, I can dance for you.
51:32
So he fucking quits his job. He quits.
51:35
Well, Sterling comes round and he pops up in the neighbourhood
51:40
and he's just like, hey bro, in church.
51:43
I forgot about Sterling coming in too.
51:45
Of course the ex always comes in.
51:46
So he comes in, he's like, hey bro, he's sizing him up in the
51:49
church and Sterling's just sitting there still thinking
51:51
about his Dick. Going ha ha ha.
51:53
I'm the. Biggest Dick that poppies had.
51:55
She could have been lying. Like, unless you whip those
51:58
puppies out. Yeah.
51:59
Anyway, that's all he heard about.
52:01
He was sitting there getting jealous and then Sterling's
52:03
like, so. Anyway.
52:05
I've got photos of you guys kissing, and I'm not afraid to.
52:08
Fuck. Up your life and she's going to
52:10
pick me anyway, so whatever. He.
52:13
Goes. Home to mope and cry about it,
52:15
drink a lot of alcohol. Sterling goes and tries to get
52:18
the girl so she disappears. She's like I owed him.
52:22
You owe him Jack shit. You're literally on the run from
52:26
this van at this point. Isn't this when they go to the
52:28
hotel room? Yes.
52:29
Yeah. Yeah.
52:29
And like. Why are you not texting old mate
52:32
Tyler back? Yes, you could have just been
52:34
like, I'm seeing my parents or I'm out of town.
52:38
Like, if you're so upfront about what you're doing, just say,
52:41
hey, Sterling's in town. He wanted to have a dinner
52:45
foreclosure, Yes, Because if you weren't doing anything wrong,
52:48
what's wrong with saying you're at the hotel and then why come
52:51
back? He's going to the hotel after
52:54
dinner and you just couldn't get home and fell asleep?
52:58
Yes. Bitch.
52:59
Are we acting like Tyler was born yesterday?
53:01
Yeah, literally. Driver could driven you home.
53:04
It's in the Uber, yeah. And also I feel like Tyler, oh,
53:08
she accepted it too. He would have been like, OK,
53:11
she's so fucking rich too. She literally could have got her
53:14
own hotel room. Come on now.
53:16
That went doing something. Tyler was OK to accept it.
53:18
He was like as long. As she comes back to me.
53:21
It'll be fine. Actually, this was right before
53:23
the strip club. So she he went into the full
53:26
drinking, everything. It's so embarrassing.
53:28
It was embarrassing. And then he was like jacking off
53:31
behind her as punishment for her.
53:34
Yup. And then she just put him in the
53:35
shower. And then they went to the strip
53:36
club. And it's like the strip club was
53:38
her trying to make it up to him, but it's like.
53:41
You don't have to. Groom a grown man who's already
53:43
lived that. Life.
53:45
Why are we acting like he was a virgin?
53:47
He was like almost 30, but he acted like a virgin.
53:50
I think they should just made him a virgin and was like a
53:52
priest from the get go because it would have made made it.
53:54
Well there's a point right before they decided to actually
53:57
have sex where he rang up because he couldn't wait and he
53:59
had to wank on the phone. I'm like that.
54:01
That's embarrassing. She locked herself in in an
54:04
office and how did she whip out her phone and send him a quick
54:09
puss video? I need 5 business days to whip
54:12
out that kind of content. She literally no editing.
54:15
No no, no lighting. It was no lighting, no prep.
54:20
You're telling me them pink flaps, just be ready 24 seconds.
54:24
I think that's when they fucked on the ultra and stuff because
54:27
she came in with no underwear on and she's like, I made a big
54:30
mess, OK, just wear the underwear.
54:34
Wear two? I don't know.
54:35
I don't know. Wipe it up, girl.
54:37
So after that, you know Sterling does all that bullshit.
54:41
They come back. He has his epiphany.
54:47
He practically confesses his love to her in mass shame job.
54:52
And then he's like running over there with his flowers he picked
54:55
out of the garden, ready to propose.
54:58
And she's just making out with Sterling on her bed.
55:01
Well, he was running over. He was going to use the rosary
55:03
beads in place of an engagement ring.
55:06
Yes, that's embarrassing. Imagine the sister in heaven
55:10
looking down, being like, well, he had already given her the
55:12
rosary beads at that point, but he was trying to use it as that.
55:15
Yeah, after the fact. Broke boy behavior.
55:19
Get a job. He.
55:21
Sneaks into a house. He uses the spare key like a
55:24
psychopath. Climbs up to the bed bedroom
55:27
here's a little bit of he, he, he.
55:29
And then he like, I don't know sees them and they're like on
55:33
the bed she's kissing. And you're telling me from that
55:39
outside perspective, you know what kind of a kiss it is from
55:42
the outside perspective because it's either arms down and stiff
55:45
and like, oh, don't touch me or it's you're into.
55:48
Yeah, surely can tell by the back of someone's head if
55:51
they're into it, Yeah. How do you misread a situation?
55:54
That part? Just stay an extra 2 seconds,
55:55
literally. I wouldn't leave so.
55:58
Breathing heavily. He's not full joke.
56:02
If he's not fixing that straight away, at what point do you just
56:06
stand on a creaky wood? Floorboard.
56:08
Like, I mean, how do they not just send someone else's in the
56:11
house? True.
56:13
So after this, he, like, disappears off the planet to go
56:17
with another hot priest named Jordan.
56:21
Jordan's, like, God told me everything, bitch.
56:23
He's like, it's not that you're just looking around hard all the
56:26
time, duh. I mean, the just stains on your
56:29
pants. He put it together.
56:31
Millie rang me and Arrog, literally Jordan knows what's
56:35
up. And Jordan's funny because he
56:37
acts as if he's psychic, essentially, but in a God way.
56:41
Yeah. Yeah.
56:41
And I'm like. Is he or is he just?
56:44
Fucking with him because I would.
56:46
I never said, but I feel like they all do that.
56:48
So yeah, oh so good. But he came became a Meme Priest
56:54
meme. Yes.
56:56
I thought when you. Said that, I thought, sad Keanu
56:58
Reeves, You know what? He's sitting on a park bench.
57:02
Yeah, it. Was like he did.
57:04
Become like that. But yeah, he literally.
57:07
Became hot priest because Sterling somehow released those
57:11
pictures on social media, I guess.
57:12
Yeah, you know, he was so angry about the turn of it.
57:16
That line was weird. So he gets off from the Bishop
57:19
at like 2:00 AM? Yeah.
57:21
And he's like shitting bricks. Like, I'm going to quit.
57:23
Anyway, and then the Bishop. Like we have some incriminating
57:29
practice and I was like of him anointing the Boo holes.
57:33
No, they. Didn't even.
57:34
Give us. That you tell.
57:36
Me now you're. Telling me that Sterling had
57:39
these two followed and he only got them kissing.
57:42
They're rooting. In every public place possible,
57:45
they were rooting in the daylight in an open church with
57:48
no locked doors. You know what happened?
57:50
He probably didn't pay private investigating enough and then he
57:53
only opted for the like. Bronze.
57:55
Tier. And he should have paid for the
57:57
gold tier because then he would have gotten like videos because
58:01
come on, the privatizations they were having, the private
58:04
detective was like, not today. He's like this shit's going on
58:07
my personal website. Anyway.
58:10
He's. Become somehow a hot priest
58:12
meme. Which?
58:13
In this day and age would that? Even really circulate that much
58:16
like if someone puts that on Reddit like.
58:18
Oh, guess. What's happening into my parish?
58:21
Yeah. And then post those pictures.
58:22
That would last like 5 minutes. Yeah, because Kylie Jenner's
58:26
going to break up with somebody. And.
58:28
Like on a global scale, it's not going to reach.
58:30
And really, they only have one photo of them kissing and him
58:33
just walking through. Exactly.
58:34
So what does that even mean? They should have ran full into
58:37
the photos of him fucking. Yeah, they.
58:40
Should have went. It was the tip in and her like
58:43
thrashing around. No, but you know that's reserved
58:45
for priestscornwall.com. Oh yeah, yeah, OK cool.
58:48
Sorry. Why is he so creepily sad about
58:50
their non existent children? He cared more about the non
58:53
existent children. The bells, children.
58:57
Look. That that sounds so creepy.
58:59
The bells, children, He's like. You know that they're.
59:02
Creepy with their little bowl cuts, Oh no.
59:04
And their porcel and skin. Oh, standing in a hallway,
59:08
holding hands, just looking at you.
59:10
And they're like, blonde. Somehow.
59:15
They're blonde and just, like, scary.
59:18
Oh yeah, no eyeballs. Naked expressions.
59:22
They. Were they just start puking
59:24
everywhere? But to be fair, they were
59:27
conceived. Of an altar with anointing oils.
59:31
Oh, sorry. Oh, OK, fair.
59:33
So there's a bit of, like, what would you say, Lucifer in them?
59:37
No, they're just heavenly blessed.
59:40
They're just not sound heavenly blessed.
59:42
I think if God was mad about what they were doing, he would
59:45
put in some creepy souls. I'm just convinced in real life
59:50
that God just thinks that we're all idiots.
59:53
He's like, he's all doing these things and he's the idiot, the
59:55
original sky daddy. Yeah, yeah, the orgy out.
59:59
Yeah, our Lord and Saviour. If our Jesus is cool, though,
1:00:02
'cause I feel like Jesus. No, no, I no, This is what I'm
1:00:04
saying. I reckon they're both like.
1:00:07
These fucking white people dumb the.
1:00:13
Irish, They're at it again. They're like, he's up there in
1:00:16
the sky, like, for fuck's sake, he's like.
1:00:17
Again, Karen. He's like, sit the fuck down.
1:00:22
Jesus is just smoking a fat joint.
1:00:26
I used to hang out with. Prostitutes.
1:00:27
Everyone's like, OK, Jesus. OK, we believe you.
1:00:31
Calm down. Yeah, like, relax.
1:00:33
Wow, you really have had a religious moment.
1:00:35
Yeah, I've come full turn around.
1:00:37
I'm excited for you in this new car.
1:00:38
No, no, I went from. Is it?
1:00:43
Too late to join a cult. I went from Ben Barnes is my God
1:00:47
to Sky. Daddy is just pissed and it's
1:00:50
like Daddy's angry and you have to repent.
1:00:53
No, he's not pissed at me. He's pissed at religious people
1:00:56
and their views. Okay.
1:00:59
So, like, I'm one stop short from becoming a full conspiracy
1:01:04
theorist, hoarder, doomsday prepper.
1:01:07
Anyway, so, like, I'm on board. Like if there's gonna be some
1:01:10
kind of what's it called, What's that thing?
1:01:12
What they do when they vacuum us all up, I don't know.
1:01:18
They vacuum us all up at some point.
1:01:19
It's called the end of times. Or some shit.
1:01:21
Oh no. No.
1:01:22
No, they just. Didn't.
1:01:22
Vacuum up the good people. I didn't have the same
1:01:25
upbringing as you. No, but this is a totally, like,
1:01:27
this is just a bigger. OK, like, OK.
1:01:29
The 100 people. Some of the physical.
1:01:35
No. The 100.
1:01:35
When they drop them out of the sky.
1:01:37
Yeah, yeah, it's the opposite. They suck us back up.
1:01:39
Yeah, so the the people who are God fearing get sucked up.
1:01:43
So the Ned Flanders is is is get sucked up.
1:01:45
So. Where do we get to a point that
1:01:47
we do get sucked up enough, but not that I don't get to enjoy my
1:01:52
current life, so I still get to be a heathen, but then I do get
1:01:55
sucked up. No, I feel like he's here.
1:01:59
For the. Heathens.
1:02:00
And he's like, for fuck's sake, Karen, sit the fuck down.
1:02:04
Oh, OK. You know what I'm saying?
1:02:05
Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying?
1:02:06
Yeah. I don't know what I'm saying.
1:02:08
Help. Hi.
1:02:10
OK, so Karens are Dion. We're up.
1:02:13
I'm saying like, God, it's like, I didn't like, I didn't fucking
1:02:16
say this shit. I never want to read a God book
1:02:23
again. Oh.
1:02:26
If you want to ever force me to read the Bible, it has to be in
1:02:28
this context, bro. We should review the Bible.
1:02:32
Word for word, just chapter by chapter.
1:02:34
You know, there's a Gen. Z Bible we should maybe read
1:02:36
that. It's way more.
1:02:38
Fun. Yes, let's.
1:02:39
Just stick to this book, shall we?
1:02:40
OK. Sorry.
1:02:41
Well, I just wanted to know. Oh my God.
1:02:44
Remember, Helen broke up and he was so sad because he couldn't
1:02:46
even watch The Walking Dead. And I was like.
1:02:50
She. Really reminds you so much of
1:02:52
the booking dead. That's the only thing they had
1:02:54
in common. And does she?
1:02:55
Look like it's only like. What on a sled?
1:02:58
Skin with them, teeth popping. I am not OK.
1:03:03
He's like, I can't even enjoy myself.
1:03:04
He's like, I just got to do something with my life.
1:03:08
He sits on Reddit commenting about The Walking Dead all day
1:03:11
and you're telling me that he's hot now?
1:03:13
That man Crusty. He doesn't even wash his own
1:03:16
ass. You know what though?
1:03:18
OK, so ten months, 10 months happens because he accepts.
1:03:22
He's like, oh, I guess she's not talking to me.
1:03:24
Question mark. He went to the strip club, got
1:03:26
the rosary. He's tried to track her down,
1:03:28
figured out the only person that I'm going to get answers from is
1:03:32
Sterling because they're together, right?
1:03:33
Like, hello, they were kissing. And kissing means forever.
1:03:37
So anyway, with that concept, he went to Sterling.
1:03:40
He tracked him down. He is kind of falling for
1:03:43
Sterling. Oh yeah.
1:03:44
He's like, I get it. I get why he's so charming the
1:03:47
girls. I get it get.
1:03:48
It and he's one of the girls. He's one of the girls and the
1:03:50
fact that Sterling was like, how the fuck have you been brother?
1:03:54
He's like bro, he like chest bumps.
1:04:00
Bro. Where have you been?
1:04:02
Had the pussy been good? Has the pussy been popping?
1:04:06
He's. Like you're here to glow.
1:04:09
No way. And then he's.
1:04:11
Like. Aren't.
1:04:12
You. Going to gloat?
1:04:14
Are you fucking? Fucking.
1:04:15
They're like, are you fucking? No, I'm not fucking.
1:04:19
Are you fucking? The only thing they have in
1:04:21
common is this weird obsession with Poppy's puss.
1:04:23
Anyway, so he goes where is she? And he goes where is she?
1:04:28
I don't know. She is.
1:04:29
Sterling has her address. Well, because he's been tracking
1:04:32
her and he stopped. He apparently stopped like a
1:04:35
year ago. You can't tell me they don't
1:04:36
bang on the rig. Oh yeah, Can you imagine?
1:04:41
So. She's.
1:04:42
At her, like dance school, whatever.
1:04:43
She opened a dance studio and she's there, minding her own
1:04:47
business, Praying. Yeah.
1:04:49
In the church down the road. Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep.
1:04:51
He's. Like coming up about to hot.
1:04:53
Breathe. On her neck.
1:04:55
And touch her. He wanted to grope her because
1:04:58
all he could think of was ripping apart them tight
1:05:01
leggings or whatever and not her bun and just banging her
1:05:04
asshole. And you're telling me that his
1:05:07
grown ass man idea was to come up and physically touch her?
1:05:11
I just want to know why he walked.
1:05:14
He thought that while walking into a church with open doors,
1:05:17
he was like, I need to echo I'm dying.
1:05:19
I'm too poor to function and buy a car.
1:05:22
It's the muscle memory, yeah. From all the.
1:05:25
They did in the. Church.
1:05:26
And then she whips around. And she just busts out crying.
1:05:29
She's crying. She's like, I'm so sorry, so
1:05:34
sorry for ruining your life. And he's like, what do you mean,
1:05:37
my good sis? I've been working overseas,
1:05:42
building wells, building wells, and I've got them work muscles.
1:05:45
Now. I'm now going back to school,
1:05:48
sis, the good sis. Also, I stood you from Sterling
1:05:55
and she's like, oh, she's like hot.
1:05:59
And she's like. Oh my God, Kyle.
1:06:02
I felt so guilty because I made you quit.
1:06:05
And he goes bitch, I was fired. My good sister, he's like,
1:06:11
actually I was fired gross misconduct.
1:06:16
And she's like, oh, but he actually said I quit.
1:06:19
But it's like, bitch, come on now, it was both.
1:06:22
You were? He.
1:06:25
Quit. Already, though, he tried to get
1:06:28
ahead of it. She's like, so I don't have to
1:06:29
feel this way so we can go back to fucking.
1:06:33
Not. Only that it just gets worse.
1:06:37
Yeah, he's like, oh, I just can't think of a life without
1:06:40
marrying you. And then she's like, yes.
1:06:43
And then he rips her pants down in another church.
1:06:46
He defiles another fucking church, which he wasn't even
1:06:49
part of. He wasn't even part of this
1:06:51
church. And then they're just fucking.
1:06:53
This is when he's like it's just me, her and God watching at this
1:06:59
point. Just admit you have a church
1:07:01
fetish. Oh my God.
1:07:03
Oh my. God.
1:07:06
It was Ignity. Was it God?
1:07:08
Or was it some poor person that walked in off the street willing
1:07:11
to pray, but who's ready that quick?
1:07:13
He ripped her pants down and jammed it straight in.
1:07:18
If there's nothing I've learnt from books, it's that they're
1:07:20
always ready. But this is the most ready
1:07:22
they've ever been. Also if you're.
1:07:24
Wearing. Tights.
1:07:25
They are not easy to pull down and you do not have the leg
1:07:28
movement to be. Busted.
1:07:30
And open to the church, I thought they.
1:07:31
Were kneeling, uncomfortable pews.
1:07:34
They were kneeling. And then you're just gonna,
1:07:39
you're telling me they ripped off the full leggings?
1:07:42
Ripped off the full leggings and fucked in the narrow gate to
1:07:45
fucking heaven. I'm done.
1:07:48
Done. OK, so we're not quite done?
1:07:50
No. During this, he's creepily
1:07:53
whispering in her ear, little lamb.
1:07:55
And I'm like, at this point, it's Silence of the Lambs,
1:07:59
'cause I'm gonna need some silence.
1:08:00
But I was also kind of locked up.
1:08:02
It's. What if she?
1:08:03
Hated that and was just going along with it.
1:08:05
She's got a priest and she's that's why she was playing,
1:08:08
because she was like, fuck, I thought.
1:08:10
Thought it got rid of him like. Said, damn it.
1:08:13
She's pressing a panic button. She's like, God, where are you?
1:08:16
He's just watching. He proposes on the spot.
1:08:18
They fuck on the spot. Happy days.
1:08:20
You know what's funny is he just flip flops to whichever uni.
1:08:23
He doesn't even pick a Catholic uni.
1:08:25
So you don't care about. Catholicism.
1:08:27
Just say that, bro. He's like, I ended up going with
1:08:29
the University of Princeton. Like your brain could get in
1:08:33
there exactly as a lecturer. He has to teach the.
1:08:37
Students. Honestly, you know, he's going
1:08:39
to look at one of the students one day and be like they, I
1:08:45
think, buck teeth. It's.
1:08:47
Like oh. Which I would.
1:08:50
I'd sign off for that, actually. If they could rewrite the sequel
1:08:54
to be about him falling in love with one of the students.
1:08:57
But he's getting married. Yeah, but this is funnier.
1:09:00
It's juicier. Just fuck it up, fam.
1:09:02
Fuck it up. Stop pretending you don't just
1:09:05
care about the sex, is what I'm saying.
1:09:07
Like, let's get full depraved. Let's get loud.
1:09:09
Let's get. Loud like.
1:09:11
Let's just. Let's just go all the way we're.
1:09:16
Giving this author. Ideas.
1:09:19
So we always give authors ideas. Has anyone picked up any of our
1:09:22
ideas? Obviously not.
1:09:23
I I don't even care about getting paid.
1:09:25
Just put me in the back girl. Don't even put us on.
1:09:27
There. Shame.
1:09:28
No, no. I want a little picture like
1:09:29
this. Crazy picture.
1:09:31
Oh, yeah, a little picture. A dedication.
1:09:33
A little dedication in the back. Thanks Emily and Carla, for the
1:09:37
actual nonsense you spew out of your mouth.
1:09:40
Epilogue. They're getting married finally,
1:09:42
just so they can shut the fuck up.
1:09:43
Of course they're just fucking in another church, because why
1:09:47
not get as much premarital sex in as possible?
1:09:51
Save some for the honeymoon. Oh my God, you're telling?
1:09:54
Me. Because.
1:09:56
Let's say this is just a normal wedding.
1:09:57
Yes, you're probably getting up at 4:00 AM to get your hair and
1:10:00
makeup done and you just let it get into your outfit to hang out
1:10:04
with your bridesmaids to Kiki Kiki.
1:10:06
You're going to get. To the venue and then have to
1:10:09
fix your makeup and. Hardcore fuck.
1:10:12
One wall away from all your guests who are patiently
1:10:15
waiting, including your dad who's walking you down the
1:10:18
aisle, including your parents that have paid for your wedding.
1:10:22
At this point, just come around and let it drip down the aisle.
1:10:28
You know what, though. Panting lamb.
1:10:30
No. The the fact that she said it
1:10:32
herself, She was like, I'm not a Princess.
1:10:35
I'm a panting. Lamb, is it?
1:10:37
It's not sexy. No.
1:10:39
Go to jail. What are we going to rate this
1:10:43
out of? Anointed assholes?
1:10:47
Anointed assholes? I just like it.
1:10:48
It's just I love what anointed asshole I'm going to anoint this
1:10:53
asshole out of two. Out of what?
1:10:56
22 out of five. No, why did I say 22 is too
1:11:00
high? One, we're only anointing this
1:11:04
asshole once. Yeah, and that's high.
1:11:09
Yeah. So one means I didn't like it.
1:11:11
I didn't like it, OK? And she's what it.
1:11:14
Is. What?
1:11:15
I was stressed all the time. I was confused.
1:11:18
I was as confused as him. I felt like I was getting
1:11:22
indoctrinated into the church somehow while pretty smart.
1:11:26
And I was like, stop. I have to give it A1 as well,
1:11:29
one anointed asshole. Because I didn't think it was.
1:11:32
Okay, which is. Just level 2.
1:11:35
It was not good, Okay. They had no substance.
1:11:37
They had no personality. Yeah.
1:11:39
They didn't even like each other.
1:11:41
They didn't do anything together.
1:11:43
They were just committing to the bit.
1:11:44
Yeah. One thing I did like was that
1:11:47
they actually broke up. Nothing shits me when they have
1:11:50
a an an argument that lasts 24 hours and then they're back
1:11:53
together. And that's the big, really good
1:11:55
point. I was really happy when they
1:11:56
broke up because I was like, I was like, they should go
1:11:59
separate and that should be the end.
1:12:00
Yes. And it would have been amazing.
1:12:03
I was getting stressed because they hadn't broken up and I had
1:12:06
the tiniest bit left. And I was so confused.
1:12:08
I was like, huh? Yeah.
1:12:11
So is that. It for Priest?
1:12:13
Yes. OK, it's your pick next time.
1:12:17
Thanks for joining us on Lose The Plot with Carla and Emily.
1:12:20
Don't forget to rate US five. Stars and subscribe If you
1:12:22
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1:12:26
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