Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why narcissists just want to WIN at all costs.

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Why narcissists just want to WIN at all costs. · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're talking about how narcissists just want to win.
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  WIN at all costs. At any cost.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist.
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  And welcome to another episode of the Narcissist Code.
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  Boom. Welcome back.
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  Welcome back. Welcome back.
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  Yes, yes, y'all narcissists just want to win at any cost.
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  At all cost. And like what I mean by winning
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  is they want victory. They want to achieve some type
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  of victory or control or dominance over whoever or
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  whatever they are dealing with. This could be a relationship,
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  this could be a job, this could be a an entrepreneurial
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  adventure. This could be something along
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  those lines right there. So what does winning mean to
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  that narcissist? What does winning mean to that
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  toxic person? Because they just want to win at
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  all costs. Like a win, a win to a
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  narcissist. Y'all could be you breaking up
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  with them, right? Like, let's just say you broke
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  up with a narcissist. You decided to finally get rid
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  of your narcissistic partner, right?
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  And then they get back with you. They they fight and claw and say
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  everything that you want to hear.
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  Promise to change, to get you back, right.
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  To get back with you. And then they break up with you.
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  And then they go, no contact with you.
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  They ghost you. They discard you.
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  They finally discard you. That's a win for them because
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  they get to keep their pride. They can just tell people and
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  not have to lie about it. They can tell people like, no,
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  no, I broke up. I broke up with them.
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  I got rid of them. I got, I got tired of them.
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  I'm the one who, I'm the one who decided to end the relationship.
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  That's a win to them, you know? So in order to defeat a
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  narcissist or to win against a narcissist or a toxic person, a
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  lot of times you have to figure out what does winning mean to
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  them? What does winning look like to
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  them? Because that's the best way and
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  This is why I tell people over zoom in my in my support group
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  is that the best way to win against a narcissist is to make
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  them feel like they're winning. Because them near every
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  narcissistic person that I've ever encountered lives their
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  lives and live live their lives in the term with the terms of
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  wins and losses. You know, it's either it's
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  either a win or it's a loss. So most narcissists live like
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  that. So if you're trying to
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  communicate with the narcissist, you're trying to negotiate with
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  the narcissist. You have to make them feel like
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  they are winning something. You have to make it make them
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  feel like it's their idea that they came up with or something
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  along those lines that it would. It benefits them more in some
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  way, shape or form. Like, it's their idea, but it's
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  really yours. You have to make them feel like
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  they're winning something. I know, I believe there's no way
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  to live. Exactly.
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  Exactly. There's no way to live when
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  you're dealing with a narcissistic person.
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  Like if you have to dim dim out your own light or dim dim
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  yourself out to make this other person feel like they're winning
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  something. To make this other person feel
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  like that they're like they're in the head of something to make
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  the other person feel like this is what they need to do.
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  Like this is what? What does winning look like to
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  you? What does winning mean to you at
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  the end of the day? So that's why I'm just telling
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  people in these situations, in this, in this life, like you
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  have to figure out what is a win mean to that narcissist or to
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  that toxic person. Because narcissists look at,
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  they look at everything in terms of wins and losses, right?
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  So a win for them could be getting full custody of the
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  kids. A win for them could be just
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  feeling like they got custody of the kids.
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  Even though they only get to see them once a week, once every
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  other weekend they get supervised visits.
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  It's a win. It's a win in the mind of their
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  narcissist because it's like, OK, at least I got something.
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  At least it seems like I could be a good parent on, you know,
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  getting getting my child or getting my children 4 hours out
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  of the month, Hey, I'm still an active parent.
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  I'm still active parent. But they'll try to make it seem
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  like they are, you know, super extremely involved in your kid,
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  in your kids lives. You know, that's that's what
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  that's what they'll do right there.
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  They'll try to make it seem like they're extremely involved in
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  their kids life, even if they're only acting for four hours and
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  they're supervised and sometimes they cut.
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  They cut the four hour visit short.
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  What does winning look like to them?
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  Ask yourself that question. Y'all because winning to a
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  narcissist could be something small or it could be something
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  major. Because if like if they don't
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  feel like they're winning, then it definitely feels like a loss
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  to them. And narcissists do not want to
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  lose. They do not want to lose.
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  That's why sometimes they'll keep coming back and forth into
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  your life if you keep breaking up with them because they don't
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  want to lose. That's why they keep dragging
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  you back and forth to court, because they want, they want to
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  have some type of access to the kids and to you.
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  That's a win to them. That's why, Like, even if they
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  beat you or harm you or hurt you or something like that, and you
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  get a domestic violence restraining order against them,
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  like you have an indisputable proof.
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  That's why they come to court and fight it, because that's a
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  loss for them if they don't at least fight it, you know, they
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  have to make it seem like that they're fighting it.
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  They have to make it seem like they're against it, like they
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  have to position themselves as a victim.
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  And for a lot of narcissists, putting themselves in the
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  position of evict as a victim can actually help them feel like
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  they're winning. Because if I do something
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  horrible, right, let's say I do something horrible to you, I get
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  online, I say it hurts me so bad that I treated my ex so badly.
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  All I want to do is get forgiveness or I don't want to
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  do is apologize to them. But they got me blocked on
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  everything. Other people would go be in the
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  comment sections. Oh, you are such a brave person
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  for apologizing. I wish my ex would have done
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  that. I never, my ex never said the
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  words I'm sorry. You are.
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  You know they should, your ex should be lucky to have you,
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  they should give you another chance, blah blah blah.
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  They're getting their ego fed after hurting and harming you.
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  They're getting their ego fed after belittling you, after
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  hurting you, after harming you, after doing some damage to your
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  life after them. They're ruining your life.
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  They're hurting and harming you. And people are hyping them up.
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  So that's a victory to them. They say win to them.
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  They've averted being exposed and got people on their side.
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  That's a victory to them. That's a win to them.
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  So you have to ask yourself, what does winning look like to
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  you? What does winning look like to
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  that narcissist? Because narcissists just want to
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  win. And the the fact that
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  narcissists live their lives like it's on terms of wins and
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  losses, right? Like because they live their
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  life like it's a win or a loss. They project that mindset onto
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  you. Like if you're around a
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  narcissist for a long time, if they break up with you, if they
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  leave you, if they cheat on you and leave you for the person
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  that like, if they cheat on you, right, And you forgive them and
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  then they leave you for that person.
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  That feels like a loss to you, but you want to find a way to
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  win. So how do I win?
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  Or I can expose them. I can reach out to the new
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  supply. I can tell the new supply what's
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  going on. I can sleep with them behind a
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  new supplies bag. I can take their place.
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  You see that? That looks like, like look like
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  a win to you if it might feel like a win.
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  But it's actually a win for the narcissist because not only did
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  you reach out to the new supply and felt like that, you know,
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  gave me the cheeks. So now I It's a double victory.
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  It's a double victory. Narcissists want to win.
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  That's why they will do something bad to you.
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  And if you forgive them, that's a victory for them.
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  They just want to win. And like I said, they were like,
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  remember, remember at the beginning I said they want to
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  win at any cost, at all cost. They will ruin their own damn
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  lives for the opportunity to, to feel like they won something.
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  For to to, to get a victory, to avoid, you know, to avoid shame
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  and the void. Like I said, avoid, avoid shame,
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  avoid exposure and all the other stuff.
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  So a lot of times in these situations, they'll blow their
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  whole, their whole own. They'll blow their own life up
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  to get back at you, to try to hurt you, to try to harm you, to
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  try to do something to you. They'll stop making car payments
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  and ruin. Like if you Co sign for a car
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  for them, for them, they'll stop making payments and not only
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  ruin their own credit, but take you, but ruin your credit as
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  well. That's a self sabotage.
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  But that's a victory to them because they got to.
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  They got you back, right? They found a way to hurt you,
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  right? They found a way to harm you,
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  right? So sometimes they'll blow their
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  own life up. They'll ruin their own life,
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  ruin their own credit, ruin their own job situation, ruin
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  their own houses situation just to get a victory from you by
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  hurting you in some way, shape or form.
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  A lot of times a narcissist victory is a loss for you
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  because they, they're most narcissists are only out there
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  to serve themselves in some way, shape or form.
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  They're super entitled. They only want things from you.
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  They don't want to be around people they can that they can
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  get something from. So you have to be very careful
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  in this situation to be able to discern, like, use discernment
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  in these situations because they will blow their life up to hurt
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  you. Some of them will take you out
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  here. Some of them will like you hear
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  these stories about people unaliving their partners to try
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  to avoid accountability, to to try to avoid shame, and they end
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  up getting caught anyway. Like narcissists want to have
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  some type of victory. They want to come out on top,
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  like I say, including taking a risk of blowing their own life
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  up. They want to come out on top.
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  They want to feel like they won. One of the main I don't know if
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  y'all know Alex Alex Murdoch or Alex Murdoch or whatever they
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  call Alex Murdoch over in the old attorney attorney in South
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  Carolina. They got arrested very recently
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  for a couple of years ago. He just got to send this to life
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  in prison for unaliving his son and his wife because his life
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  was falling apart. He had a drug addiction.
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  He was stealing money. He won't.
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  He didn't want people to find out.
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  So he unalived his wife and his son.
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  That's a victory for him because he got the attention off of him
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  for a while. No, his life was caving.
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  His life was going down, his life was going downhill.
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  So he instead of just facing the facing the music, he decided to
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  unalive his own wife and his own son rather than face
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  accountability because that felt like a victory to him.
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  Accountability is a loss, but you know, getting be getting to
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  play the victim because you found your wife and your son
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  unalive, that's gives him more power.
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  That makes him feel like a victory for him.
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  You know, he didn't plan on getting caught.
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  He tried. He tried to plan it out in a
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  meticulous manner, but he ended up getting caught.
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  So he didn't really get that victory that he was seeking.
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  He got in there first because he, you know, he got, he had to
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  be out of jail for like an extra year or whatever.
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  But in the end, he ended up getting caught and ruining his
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  life because he wanted they win, because he wanted a victory.
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  He wanted a victory in some way, shape or form.
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  So victories for narcissists can be little things or they can be
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  big things. But narcissists just want to win
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  at all costs, at any cost. They'll sacrifice their family
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  dynamic to win and getting a new partner.
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  They want somebody younger. They'll sacrifice you for
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  somebody younger. They'll sacrifice you for
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  somebody with more money. They'll sacrifice you for
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  somebody with more money with. They give them a different form
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  of supply, like they've they leave you broken and you know
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  they leave you broken. They go find somebody else
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  that's not broken. They say victory for them, it's
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  a loss for you. So when a narcissist is winning,
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  they feel like you are losing. So that's all I was telling you
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  earlier. One of the the kind of
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  techniques you can use when you're trying to communicate
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  with the narcissist, make them feel like they are winning
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  something. Make them feel like this is, you
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  know, they're coming. They're coming out on top
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  because at the end of the day, that's what they want to do.
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  They want to feel like they're coming out on top.
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  They want to feel like it's a it's a budget right there and
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  things like that. They want to feel like they're
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  winning something right there. So at the end of the day,
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  narcissists just want to win. I hope this video about jobs
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  with clarity. I hope this video about jobs in
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  peace and we're not. Make sure to join my support
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  group to check out my online mini course about understanding
• 11:37
  the seven stages of a narcissistic relationship like
• 11:41
  and subscribe for more. And of course, but the illness
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  is that peace. Thank you so much for making it
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  to the end of my video. You are a mental illness
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  Rockstar and I appreciate you for being here.
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  If you haven't already, make sure to click on the screen to
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  subscribe to the channel and watch another one of my videos
• 11:55
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• 11:59
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  out. Thank you.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.