Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 375. Hyper-independence - your coping mechanism / trauma response. How to turn it into healthy independence instead

Transcript

375. Hyper-independence - your coping mechanism / trauma response. How to turn it into healthy independence instead · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:17
Speaker 1: So this episode is all about hyper independence. Is it
0:22
Speaker 1: a coping mechanism? Is it a trauma response. We're going
0:25
Speaker 1: to go deep into what hyperindependence looks like. We're going
0:29
Speaker 1: to be talking about my personal experiences when I had
0:32
Speaker 1: my season let's call it, of hyperindependence. I'm going to
0:36
Speaker 1: talk about how it can be really extreme for some people,
0:38
Speaker 1: how it can just happen for a period of time
0:40
Speaker 1: for others, how it compares to normal, healthy levels of independence,
0:45
Speaker 1: and what you can do to kind of like swing
0:47
Speaker 1: that needle from hyperindependence into this healthy level of independence.
0:51
Speaker 1: Because after listening to this episode, you're going to realize
0:54
Speaker 1: that it's quite taxing on your life and it's not
0:57
Speaker 1: really good for you to be hyper independent. I don't
1:00
Speaker 1: think it's good in general to be hyper anything. It's
1:03
Speaker 1: all about kind of finding that healthy level in the middle.
1:06
Speaker 1: But but we are doing a brain fact to get started.
1:11
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna sip on my fucking cappuccino. Actually, just
1:14
Speaker 1: a little fun fact. I don't know why, but when
1:16
Speaker 1: I was in Europe, I switched to Piccolos because no
1:19
Speaker 1: shade on Europe. I just don't like coffee with too
1:22
Speaker 1: much milk in Europe. I just feel like the what
1:25
Speaker 1: do you call it? The proportions are just not what
1:27
Speaker 1: I whatever. Anyway, I don't like cappucinos in Europe, love
1:30
Speaker 1: the min Australia. Love piccolos in Europe. So I was
1:33
Speaker 1: having like piccolos or noisettes or gordoitados in Spain, all
1:38
Speaker 1: the same fucking thing and loving it. Came back to
1:41
Speaker 1: Australia and I was on the piccolo train, not the
1:44
Speaker 1: little train, but the train where you drink piccolos. I'm
1:46
Speaker 1: just sipping on my cappucino. Don't fucking at me for
1:49
Speaker 1: hearing me drink on the podcast. M fucking divine. But
1:55
Speaker 1: I'm back to cappucinos now. My cousin made a bet
1:58
Speaker 1: and she was like, let's fucking see how long this
2:00
Speaker 1: last selexis. You're going to go back to your fat
2:02
Speaker 1: cow cap any minute now, and I'm back. I kind
2:06
Speaker 1: of like feel like I've failed in life. I even
2:08
Speaker 1: did like a TikTok about how I feel like I'm
2:11
Speaker 1: better than everyone else now that I drink piccolos and
2:13
Speaker 1: now I'm back to the cappuccino. So we all have
2:16
Speaker 1: our moments of glory. Anyway, we're going to talk about
2:18
Speaker 1: a brain fact, and the brain fact is motion sickness.
2:22
Speaker 1: It's also known as kinetosis. Okay, why do we get
2:27
Speaker 1: motion sickness? And I'm also going to explain kind of
2:30
Speaker 1: exactly what's going on in the brain. Obviously that's the
2:33
Speaker 1: point of the fucking brain factor. That's a very redundant
2:35
Speaker 1: sentence that I just said. All right, so let's get
2:37
Speaker 1: straight into it. What fucking is motion fucking sickness? It
2:40
Speaker 1: is feeling dizzy, fatigue, feeling nausea due to movement off
2:46
Speaker 1: you know, like when you're in a vehicle or a boat. Okay,
2:49
Speaker 1: so thirty percent of the population experiences motion sickness. Okay.
2:55
Speaker 1: For some people it's while they're doing a specific task.
2:59
Speaker 1: So for example, you'll only experience it when you're reading
3:03
Speaker 1: while driving, but if hopefully you're not reading while you're driving,
3:06
Speaker 1: but when someone else is driving, but if you're looking
3:08
Speaker 1: out the window, you don't experience it. For some people,
3:10
Speaker 1: it's more just on a boat in the ocean, but
3:13
Speaker 1: they're fine in a car. So it varies from person
3:16
Speaker 1: to person. But some people even experience it in a
3:19
Speaker 1: cinema as well, if there's like a lot of movement,
3:23
Speaker 1: or if it's three D vision where it's really realistic,
3:26
Speaker 1: they may even experience motion sickness at the movies, which
3:29
Speaker 1: is fucking wild. But basically, what is going on, and
3:33
Speaker 1: I'll break it down a little bit deeper, is that
3:36
Speaker 1: we're getting this mismatch between the sensory information, the sensory
3:41
Speaker 1: input that your brain is receiving, and the result of
3:44
Speaker 1: that mismatch is nausea. And i'll explain exactly why that
3:48
Speaker 1: is or the main theory as to what neuroscientists believe
3:51
Speaker 1: is behind this. So this mismatch involves primarily two regions.
3:57
Speaker 1: You've got your vestibular system, which is the inner ear.
4:01
Speaker 1: I've done a whole brain fact on the vestibular system
4:04
Speaker 1: and your visual system and a little bit of appropriate
4:08
Speaker 1: reception as well. But your visual system obviously your eyes,
4:11
Speaker 1: and when you get a mismatch of the input that's
4:13
Speaker 1: coming in, that's where the problem is and that's what
4:17
Speaker 1: we become motion sickness. That's why they say if you're reading,
4:19
Speaker 1: don't read, look out the window and the motion sickness
4:21
Speaker 1: will go away. You'll understand that in a sec. So
4:23
Speaker 1: first let's talk about the vestibular system. So the vestibular
4:26
Speaker 1: system this is in your inner ear. It's basically its
4:29
Speaker 1: role is to detect motion, balance, spatial orientation, and it's
4:35
Speaker 1: got these three semicircular canals. And if you look, if
4:40
Speaker 1: you were to google an image of the vestibular system
4:42
Speaker 1: the inner ear, you'll see these kind of three canals
4:44
Speaker 1: that go on different planes, like the vertical, the horizontal,
4:48
Speaker 1: so they're all on different planes and they detect rotational
4:54
Speaker 1: and linear movement. This is also where I think I
4:57
Speaker 1: did a brain fact on this, where I talk about, hey,
5:00
Speaker 1: you've actually got rocks in your head, but we've got
5:01
Speaker 1: these tiny, tiny, tiny little crystals in our inner ear.
5:04
Speaker 1: And when the crystals kind of roll from one side
5:06
Speaker 1: to the other, like literally rocks in your head. So
5:09
Speaker 1: when someone said you got rocks in your head, being like,
5:10
Speaker 1: as do you? As do we all, but these little
5:14
Speaker 1: crystals they kind of like will roll and the inner
5:18
Speaker 1: ear detects that movement and helps determine your orientation and
5:22
Speaker 1: where you are as far as like what direction you're heading,
5:26
Speaker 1: what plane you're on, what like movement, how fast you're
5:28
Speaker 1: going all of that. Okay, um and rotation and all
5:33
Speaker 1: of that. So when you are in a moving vehicle
5:35
Speaker 1: such as a car a boat, this vestibular system senses
5:39
Speaker 1: the movement of that vehicle, even if you're seated, because
5:42
Speaker 1: it's its senses acceleration, it senses movement, okay, forward movement
5:48
Speaker 1: in general. The visual system obviously is providing information to
5:54
Speaker 1: your brain about your surrounding environment what you can see, okay.
5:59
Speaker 1: So when you in a moving car or boat, you
6:02
Speaker 1: can either see the changing scene from outside of you
6:05
Speaker 1: and it's coming into the brain being like, yep, the
6:06
Speaker 1: scenery is changing, the vestibular system saying yep, we're moving,
6:10
Speaker 1: so all is well. Versus if you're looking at something
6:13
Speaker 1: still while your vestibular system is telling your brain we
6:16
Speaker 1: are moving, but I'm looking at something still, so my
6:18
Speaker 1: visual system is saying we're not moving, the vestibula is
6:21
Speaker 1: saying we are moving, okay. So that's where you're getting
6:25
Speaker 1: a different input with the visual system. Then appropriate reception
6:29
Speaker 1: and sensor integration also plays a role. So that's your
6:31
Speaker 1: body's awareness of like due to your muscles and your
6:35
Speaker 1: joints and stuff, where your physical body is in space.
6:38
Speaker 1: That also plays a bit of a role. Now, the
6:42
Speaker 1: theory is called the sensory mismatch theory. So the most
6:45
Speaker 1: widely accepted theory from euroscientists for motion sickness is this
6:51
Speaker 1: sensory mismatch theory or sensory conflict theory. Okay, and it
6:55
Speaker 1: basically suggests that motion sickness is occurring when you're receiving
7:00
Speaker 1: contradictory signals from the vestibular, visual, and proprioception systems within
7:06
Speaker 1: the brain. Okay, so you're getting one part saying we're moving,
7:08
Speaker 1: the other part saying we're not moving. But why Yeah,
7:11
Speaker 1: that's all well and good, but why do we get sick?
7:14
Speaker 1: Why do we need to vomit? So your brain stem,
7:17
Speaker 1: which is the part of the brain that's in between
7:20
Speaker 1: your spinal cords. Your spinal cord goes up, then you've
7:22
Speaker 1: got the brain stem, and then you've got your hemispheres
7:24
Speaker 1: and cerebellum. Like the main part of the brain that
7:26
Speaker 1: you've seen drawings or pictures of a brain. This brain
7:30
Speaker 1: stem plays a very significant role in coordinating sensory information.
7:35
Speaker 1: That's one of the major roles that the brain stem has. Okay,
7:38
Speaker 1: And when conflicting information reaches the brain stem, it really
7:41
Speaker 1: struggles to resolve this conflict of information. It doesn't really
7:46
Speaker 1: understand what's going on, but it knows that something's wrong
7:49
Speaker 1: because that shouldn't be happening, okay, And then because of that,
7:53
Speaker 1: the brain stem activates the autonomic nervous system. It's like,
7:56
Speaker 1: something's not right. It's going to trigger a response in
7:58
Speaker 1: the automatic nervousystem. The ANS is responsible for involuntary bodily functions.
8:03
Speaker 1: One of those things is digestion, but of course also vomiting, nausea,
8:07
Speaker 1: or sweating, being dizzy, increased heart rate, things like that.
8:11
Speaker 1: So what these neuroscientists believe, or what this theory is saying,
8:16
Speaker 1: is that the brain interprets this sensory mismatch as a
8:19
Speaker 1: sign of potential neurotoxicity. So it thinks that maybe we've
8:25
Speaker 1: ingested some kind of toxin or some kind of poison,
8:28
Speaker 1: because sometimes the side effect of a toxin or a
8:31
Speaker 1: poison is a sensory mismatch. So your brain already identifies,
8:35
Speaker 1: it knows that when there is a mismatch in the signals,
8:38
Speaker 1: when there's a discrepancy in what's being interpreted in the
8:40
Speaker 1: brain stem, you've probably ingested a toxin. You've probably ingested
8:44
Speaker 1: a poison, and of course the body responds to a
8:47
Speaker 1: potential threat of toxicity or poisoning by making you vomit.
8:52
Speaker 1: It tries to expel anything that you may have ingested
8:56
Speaker 1: to rid itself of these perceived toxins. Okay, so that's
9:00
Speaker 1: the theory, which in my opinion, I mean, obviously theories
9:04
Speaker 1: come with a lot of research, a lot of you know,
9:06
Speaker 1: supporting evidence. It's not to say it's definitely one hundred
9:09
Speaker 1: percent it, but that's kind of where the belief is,
9:11
Speaker 1: and I think it really makes a lot of sense,
9:12
Speaker 1: especially if you if you understand the anatomy of the
9:15
Speaker 1: brain and where these regions are located, it makes a
9:17
Speaker 1: lot of sense that this is the reason. Now there
9:22
Speaker 1: is room for adaptation and something called habituation as well.
9:25
Speaker 1: So if you are repeatedly exposed to this thing, for example,
9:29
Speaker 1: if you were to start reading regularly while in a
9:33
Speaker 1: car or on a train, if you were to start
9:35
Speaker 1: going out on ocean trips where the water is quite
9:37
Speaker 1: chopping in the boat's moving a bit really regularly, then
9:40
Speaker 1: for a lot of people you will kind of become
9:44
Speaker 1: habituated to that thing. Your brain adapts, and that's why
9:49
Speaker 1: you know, you can have people that will first go
9:51
Speaker 1: on a boat and they can't handle it, but if
9:53
Speaker 1: they worked on a boat, they're like, oh my god,
9:54
Speaker 1: I can't believe I used to be motion sick. Now
9:55
Speaker 1: it's fine because the brain understands. It's like, oh, well,
9:58
Speaker 1: this obviously isn't a threat. This is of an environment
10:00
Speaker 1: that we're put in for whatever reason. It's happening repeatedly.
10:03
Speaker 1: It's not hurting me. So then I'm going to stop
10:06
Speaker 1: sending these signals to make you vomit, because for whatever reason,
10:08
Speaker 1: I now need to interpret this mismatch as just part
10:11
Speaker 1: of your every day okay. So it basically loans to
10:14
Speaker 1: like integrate these conflicting signals as just another part of
10:19
Speaker 1: what you were doing in your everyday behavior. So that
10:22
Speaker 1: is the fucking brain factor for today. And I think
10:24
Speaker 1: that's really really interesting. I don't I have a feeling
10:27
Speaker 1: that I once might have touched on motion signals in
10:30
Speaker 1: the past, but alas I have three hundred and seventy
10:34
Speaker 1: something fucking episodes, and who has the time to troll
10:37
Speaker 1: through all of them. I'd like to think that you
10:38
Speaker 1: all do. But most of the people that have listened
10:40
Speaker 1: to all my episodes are like long, long, long time beans.
10:42
Speaker 1: I had someone like, honestly all my love to you.
10:46
Speaker 1: I had someone being like, oh my god, I started
10:47
Speaker 1: listening to your podcast like six months ago and I've
10:50
Speaker 1: listened to all of them. I'm like, that is a
10:51
Speaker 1: lot of episodes to go through in a six month period.
10:54
Speaker 1: I'm like, amazing, that's like more than one a day,
10:56
Speaker 1: which is insane. That's like two a day. Anyway, let's
11:01
Speaker 1: get into the fucking topic of today's episode, which is hyperindependence.
11:05
Speaker 1: So we're talking about hyper independence. Is it a coping mechanism,
11:08
Speaker 1: is it a trauma response? How does it compare to
11:10
Speaker 1: healthy independence? In this episode, I'm going to be covering
11:13
Speaker 1: the following. We've got what is it, what it looks like,
11:17
Speaker 1: and how it can manifest, How does it negatively impact
11:20
Speaker 1: your life and why it's not a good thing, what
11:22
Speaker 1: causes it, how it compares to healthy independence, and steps
11:26
Speaker 1: you can take to change it. Okay, so firstly, what
11:29
Speaker 1: is it? Hyper independence is what it refers to when
11:35
Speaker 1: a person attempts to be fully independent in all things possible,
11:40
Speaker 1: even when it's not helpful, or even when they legitimately
11:44
Speaker 1: need the assistance or they need help from somebody. So
11:48
Speaker 1: when their level of independence goes to that extreme where
11:53
Speaker 1: they will refuse or avoid help from other people at
11:56
Speaker 1: all costs, even when it's needed, that is referred to
11:58
Speaker 1: as hyper independence. It's okay. So basically, it's where you
12:04
Speaker 1: are determined to be self reliant at all costs, so
12:07
Speaker 1: you will avoid going to other people for help physical help,
12:12
Speaker 1: emotional help, financial help. You just don't want to accept
12:14
Speaker 1: help from other people. And of course because of this,
12:18
Speaker 1: it causes a lot of challenges in your personal life
12:21
Speaker 1: because it impacts your relationships, it impacts your ability to
12:25
Speaker 1: trust people, and because it impacts your ability to trust,
12:28
Speaker 1: then you can't be vulnerable. You think that you can't
12:31
Speaker 1: rely on anyone. And the more you engage in this
12:33
Speaker 1: hyper independence, the more that is strengthened because you're not
12:36
Speaker 1: relying on anyone, than you think, well, I've only got
12:38
Speaker 1: myself to rely on. People then think that you don't
12:41
Speaker 1: need the help, so no one's trying to offind It
12:43
Speaker 1: becomes this like self fulfilling prophecy of like, see, I'm
12:46
Speaker 1: the only one that can do this for myself, just
12:48
Speaker 1: because you've made it that way. But it doesn't mean
12:50
Speaker 1: that other people couldn't help if you ask for it.
12:53
Speaker 1: But because you feel that you now can't trust other
12:55
Speaker 1: people and it's you against the world and that you
12:57
Speaker 1: can do it. It also affects how you approach new
13:01
Speaker 1: relationships because you are terrified to get let down. You
13:04
Speaker 1: don't want to get hurt. You're better off just doing
13:06
Speaker 1: it yourself or doing it on your own. Now, obviously,
13:09
Speaker 1: we don't do this for no fucking reason. We are
13:11
Speaker 1: not duds. For the most part, we are not duds
13:14
Speaker 1: and do it for no good reason. We do it
13:18
Speaker 1: for a payoff. Every single behavior that we do, conscious
13:22
Speaker 1: or subconscious, is for a payoff. Whether that payoff is
13:26
Speaker 1: actually helpful or not, it doesn't matter. But if you
13:28
Speaker 1: look at every single behavior that you engage in, even
13:31
Speaker 1: the ones you want to change, you are doing it
13:34
Speaker 1: for a payoff, even if that payoff is like, wow,
13:37
Speaker 1: have outgrown that and that is bullshit? Is it for
13:40
Speaker 1: avoiding discomfort? Is it for you know, a hit of dopamine?
13:44
Speaker 1: Is it for security? In this sense, the payoff here
13:51
Speaker 1: is security. Okay. So being hyperindependent is a protective mechanism.
13:57
Speaker 1: It is a coping mechanism, and it is how you
14:00
Speaker 1: protect yourself from potential hurt, from potential being let down,
14:06
Speaker 1: having something used against you, being emotionally manipulated or emotionally abused,
14:10
Speaker 1: or even physically abused. And when you don't have to
14:15
Speaker 1: rely on people in that moment and you're able to
14:17
Speaker 1: do it for yourself, you feel validated. You're like, see,
14:20
Speaker 1: I've just proven that I've protected myself yet again. You know,
14:23
Speaker 1: other people would let me down, but I'm not allowing
14:25
Speaker 1: them to let me down. I've protected myself. I am
14:28
Speaker 1: now safe. I'm not vulnerable to other people coming in
14:31
Speaker 1: and potentially hurting me, and so because of that, you
14:34
Speaker 1: don't risk getting hurt by other people. So you have
14:38
Speaker 1: to look at hyperindependence as having an issue with trust,
14:41
Speaker 1: whether you are consciously worri of it or not. That
14:44
Speaker 1: is what hyper independence is. I am going to be
14:46
Speaker 1: talking a little bit bit more in depth as to
14:48
Speaker 1: what causes it. Hint a lot of things around childhood
14:51
Speaker 1: or abusive relationships, but that is what it is. It's
14:54
Speaker 1: an issue with trust. It's this idea of like, you've
14:59
Speaker 1: been hurt and therefore because you trusted someone in the past,
15:03
Speaker 1: it couldn't even been in your childhood, and so you
15:06
Speaker 1: don't want to experience that again. You're fearful of experiencing
15:09
Speaker 1: this pain again, so you'll do anything not to experience
15:12
Speaker 1: it again. And instead of thinking about, Okay, yes there's
15:16
Speaker 1: things that are going to work for me, things that
15:17
Speaker 1: are not going to work. I could be resilient and
15:19
Speaker 1: work through it if it didn't work, you're thinking, I'm
15:21
Speaker 1: never fucking, ever fucking going to put up with that
15:24
Speaker 1: shit ever again. Boom, well comes up, Boom, I'm hyperindependent. Bang,
15:28
Speaker 1: goodbye everyone, Bang, say you can't. Okay, let's look at
15:36
Speaker 1: examples of what it could look like. So romantically, an
15:39
Speaker 1: example could be not letting your partner do anything for
15:42
Speaker 1: you that you could do for yourself. So for example,
15:45
Speaker 1: carrying your shopping, not wanting them to drive you somewhere,
15:48
Speaker 1: for them to do favors for you. This is obviously separate.
15:52
Speaker 1: I'm not referring to shared house tasks that are both
15:56
Speaker 1: people's responsibility. Okay, that's not it. You can be hyper
15:59
Speaker 1: independent but also acknowledge that something is a shared responsibility
16:03
Speaker 1: and then not think so it's not you doing necessarily
16:06
Speaker 1: feeling like you've got to do shit for other people,
16:08
Speaker 1: but it's you not wanting to accept help from other
16:11
Speaker 1: people when they're just trying to be generous with their
16:13
Speaker 1: time or with their money or whatever. So I'll give
16:16
Speaker 1: my personal example when I was in the narcissistic relationship
16:22
Speaker 1: like years ago. This is like years ago now because
16:25
Speaker 1: today I'm celebrating my fourth year anniversary since dating Tyrone,
16:29
Speaker 1: and I was single for three years prior to that.
16:31
Speaker 1: So back in the fucking day when I was in
16:32
Speaker 1: this relationship, he was very it was very love bombing vibes.
16:37
Speaker 1: So it was like, you know, so generous. I would
16:42
Speaker 1: drive forty minutes to pick you up so you don't
16:43
Speaker 1: have to catch the bus home. I will, you know,
16:45
Speaker 1: wait for you if you've just got one class, I'll
16:48
Speaker 1: drop you off and then wait and then do this
16:49
Speaker 1: and do that. And he was so so, so so generous,
16:51
Speaker 1: and at the start, I was quite accepting full of
16:54
Speaker 1: these things. I'd not been in, you know, that kind
16:56
Speaker 1: of dynamic before. I didn't really understand it and also
16:59
Speaker 1: didn't unders and the negative aspects that could come from
17:02
Speaker 1: that kind of dynamic. He was financially generous at the
17:05
Speaker 1: beginning all these things anyway, and not like I would
17:09
Speaker 1: always be like no, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's
17:11
Speaker 1: like I would always feel bad that he would be
17:13
Speaker 1: doing all these things that would require his time. You know,
17:16
Speaker 1: he's petrol, his driving, his money, all of that. But
17:19
Speaker 1: I but he was like, let me do something for you.
17:21
Speaker 1: Let me, it's fine, It sound's fine. So I, of
17:22
Speaker 1: course I let him. It was great at the start,
17:25
Speaker 1: during the love bombing phase. But then after the love
17:27
Speaker 1: bombing phase ended, which is what most narcissists engage in,
17:30
Speaker 1: he then was extremely emotionally abusive, like very very emotionally abusive.
17:34
Speaker 1: I could do like ten episodes on like specific scenarios.
17:38
Speaker 1: But one of the things that he really did was
17:40
Speaker 1: he really reveled in throwing in my face the things
17:46
Speaker 1: that he had done for me and trying to prove
17:48
Speaker 1: to me that I was never able to repay it,
17:50
Speaker 1: that I could never do the same for him. Like
17:52
Speaker 1: I didn't have a car at the time, I didn't
17:54
Speaker 1: have much money at the time. I you know, was,
17:57
Speaker 1: you know, barely scraping by. I was teaching pilates, and anyway,
18:01
Speaker 1: at least with the job that I had, I wasn't
18:02
Speaker 1: making crazy amounts of money. And so he was like
18:05
Speaker 1: a business owner, like our incomes were completely disproportionate, and
18:10
Speaker 1: he would always be like, after everything I've done for you,
18:13
Speaker 1: after everything, and you can't even prove that you've done
18:16
Speaker 1: any of this for me, and you can't, you can't this,
18:18
Speaker 1: and you can't that, and you would throw it in
18:20
Speaker 1: my face and I basically it got to a point where,
18:23
Speaker 1: no matter what we were arguing about, no matter what,
18:27
Speaker 1: like it could have been about something completely relevant, he
18:29
Speaker 1: had this grenade off. But I fucking did all of
18:33
Speaker 1: this fear you. I've spent all this money on you.
18:34
Speaker 1: I shouted all these dinners, I drove you here. I
18:37
Speaker 1: fuck it, which then made me realize you never wanted
18:40
Speaker 1: to do these things. This was a tool to control me. Okay.
18:44
Speaker 1: So then naturally, after the well I don't know about naturally,
18:47
Speaker 1: but for me, my natural reaction to that after the
18:49
Speaker 1: relationship ended, I was like, I will never ever be
18:56
Speaker 1: in that position ever again. No one will hold something
19:00
Speaker 1: over my head like that ever again. I will I'm done.
19:03
Speaker 1: The thought if it gave me like so much anxiety,
19:05
Speaker 1: Like if I would think about it, I'd be like,
19:08
Speaker 1: I can't explain it other than like if you've gone
19:11
Speaker 1: through it, you would obviously get it. But it was
19:12
Speaker 1: like this like awful feeling in my body. I felt
19:15
Speaker 1: like almost sick. It was like literally like motion sickness,
19:18
Speaker 1: Like there was a discrepancy in my head of my
19:20
Speaker 1: brain's like why are you like this person? It's a
19:22
Speaker 1: toxin and I'm gonna make you vomit. But I felt sick,
19:25
Speaker 1: and anyway, I had this like determination, with this scorned
19:30
Speaker 1: human determination of like never fucking again, no one will
19:33
Speaker 1: ever be able to throw in my face what they've
19:35
Speaker 1: done for me, and I will prove that I can
19:37
Speaker 1: fucking do it for myself. And that was in my
19:40
Speaker 1: rebuilding era. And don't get me wrong, I feel like
19:43
Speaker 1: a lot of these things helped me in the short term,
19:48
Speaker 1: but then a lot of things that you experience, you've
19:50
Speaker 1: got to look at what you can learn from it
19:52
Speaker 1: and then how you can grow past it. You don't
19:55
Speaker 1: want to stay in a lot of these phases. The
19:56
Speaker 1: beauty of that short term hyperindependence is but it made
20:00
Speaker 1: me instead of it made me angry in a good way.
20:04
Speaker 1: And I think temporary anger is empowering when it's getting
20:07
Speaker 1: you out of feeling a lower vibrating emotion like powerlessness
20:11
Speaker 1: and fear and shame. Okay, so I think that when
20:16
Speaker 1: used in short doses, anger can actually be quite empowering
20:20
Speaker 1: to get you out and get you into the next
20:22
Speaker 1: stage that you need to be in. But I was angry,
20:25
Speaker 1: rightly so, and I was you know this, I had
20:28
Speaker 1: this determination, and so the beauty of that was that
20:31
Speaker 1: it caused me to enter this phase in my life
20:33
Speaker 1: of like, I'm not going to wait around for someone
20:36
Speaker 1: to do things for me. I'm going to do it
20:37
Speaker 1: all for myself, which is great, But then the needle
20:39
Speaker 1: was going too far in the sense of like, I
20:41
Speaker 1: can't let someone in and try and fuck with my
20:45
Speaker 1: fucking bubble because I'm curating this thing where no one's
20:48
Speaker 1: going to come in and throw anything in my face again.
20:50
Speaker 1: So I was like, I have to be as financially
20:53
Speaker 1: independent as quickly as possible. I don't want to go
20:55
Speaker 1: on a date. I don't want anyone to the extent
20:58
Speaker 1: that I even like emotionally didn't want to lean on people.
21:02
Speaker 1: I was telling people like, yep, I'm getting over it,
21:04
Speaker 1: it's all good. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I
21:06
Speaker 1: didn't want to lean use like I didn't want a
21:08
Speaker 1: shoulder to cry on. I'm like, I don't want any
21:11
Speaker 1: cunt throwing something in my face. It was so like,
21:16
Speaker 1: I don't know if you want to call it traumatic,
21:18
Speaker 1: but close to in the sense of like it really
21:21
Speaker 1: affected me having everything thrown in my face in it
21:23
Speaker 1: when I was so powerless. And then that was the
21:26
Speaker 1: like the the tool that was used to like emotionally
21:29
Speaker 1: manipulate me to do whatever he thought was fair in
21:32
Speaker 1: his head. Anyway, long story short, I carried on like
21:37
Speaker 1: this for a while and then I met Tyrone, and
21:40
Speaker 1: I I'll tell you that I wouldn't even let him
21:44
Speaker 1: carry the groceries, wouldn't let him help me with the groceries.
21:47
Speaker 1: I'd have like my I would be like my fingers
21:49
Speaker 1: would be snapping off, and he's like, let me carry something.
21:51
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm hard on a partner. Fine, And then
21:53
Speaker 1: he one day said to me, He's like, why don't
21:55
Speaker 1: you let me help me with all these things? Like
21:57
Speaker 1: just let me help you. I don't understand, like had Like,
22:00
Speaker 1: if you've listened to my episode with Tyrone, he's had
22:02
Speaker 1: like a whole history of very healthy relationships. He doesn't
22:05
Speaker 1: have like any traumas from his past, so it's really
22:08
Speaker 1: quite nice to then date someone so emotionally healthy like that.
22:12
Speaker 1: But he was like, why can't I just let me?
22:14
Speaker 1: Let me help you? And I was like, this person
22:16
Speaker 1: is way too generous. Something's gonna fuck. I'm gave. And
22:19
Speaker 1: it took me learning about him, knowing about him. And
22:22
Speaker 1: I'm not going to lie and say that being with
22:24
Speaker 1: a really healthy person definitely it does help your healing journey.
22:27
Speaker 1: A lot people who are like, you know, insecure attachment,
22:30
Speaker 1: all of that. When you're with someone who's securely attached,
22:31
Speaker 1: it definitely you can do it on your own, but
22:33
Speaker 1: it definitely helps to be with someone who's very you know.
22:35
Speaker 1: And he was just like, I want to do these
22:37
Speaker 1: things for you. If I didn't want to do them,
22:39
Speaker 1: I just wouldn't do them. And I've eventually got to
22:42
Speaker 1: the point where I would believe him, and now I
22:45
Speaker 1: really lean into him doing favors for me. Because of
22:48
Speaker 1: all the people are going to date in the world,
22:50
Speaker 1: I end up dating someone who's like his love language
22:53
Speaker 1: is acts of service, and his way of showing love
22:55
Speaker 1: was like, I want to do things for you. So
22:56
Speaker 1: he found it a huge roadblock because he's like, how
22:59
Speaker 1: do I show my life if you don't let me
23:00
Speaker 1: do things for you, if you don't let me drop
23:02
Speaker 1: you off here, if you don't let me cook for you,
23:04
Speaker 1: if you don't let like how And so obviously now
23:08
Speaker 1: I'm completely relaxed and I'm fucking loving every minute of
23:11
Speaker 1: having like an active service partner. So there's I don't
23:14
Speaker 1: think this is sceric of my hyperindependence left, but that
23:17
Speaker 1: is my story of how it manifested in me. And
23:22
Speaker 1: I think for a lot of people, they get that.
23:24
Speaker 1: You get scarred, you get hurt, You enter a romantic
23:27
Speaker 1: relationship where you're really vulnerable, Like you know, you're having
23:30
Speaker 1: sex with this person physically, you're quite vulnerable. Then you
23:33
Speaker 1: want to open up to them, and then they like
23:34
Speaker 1: hit you hard, they hurt you emotionally so much. And
23:37
Speaker 1: then when you are out of that, you think, I
23:39
Speaker 1: never want to be that vulnerable again because that was really, really,
23:42
Speaker 1: really painful. Okay, So that that's one long, fucking winded
23:46
Speaker 1: example of how that can basically manifest. So you've got
23:54
Speaker 1: emotional you've got physical hyperindependence, financial hyperindependence, other signs I'm
23:59
Speaker 1: going to go through some of the sun. You've got
24:00
Speaker 1: inability to trust others. You struggle with relationships because you
24:04
Speaker 1: can't be vulnerable and drop your walls. You're not wanting
24:06
Speaker 1: to rely or depend on anyone for anything. Right. You
24:11
Speaker 1: are overwhelmed, you are stressed, potentially burnt out. Your workload
24:15
Speaker 1: is too big, anxious, and in some cases depressed. You
24:20
Speaker 1: struggle to form close blonds and close relationships across the board,
24:24
Speaker 1: especially romantic ones, because it's that whole like getting close
24:28
Speaker 1: entails being vulnerable. Being vulnerable entails lending you to see
24:32
Speaker 1: the softer side of me, letting you hurt me. And
24:35
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to do that, So in order to
24:37
Speaker 1: avoid that, I'm just going to close you off or
24:39
Speaker 1: have my walls up so then I don't get close.
24:41
Speaker 1: You have this may against the world mentality. Perfectionism is
24:44
Speaker 1: a really big part of it as well. And you
24:46
Speaker 1: also struggle to share responsibilities working in a team at
24:50
Speaker 1: work or at UNI. If you're hyper independent, you're like
24:53
Speaker 1: these motherfuckers in this fucking UNI group that this fucked
24:56
Speaker 1: lecture decided to put us in are gonna let me down.
24:59
Speaker 1: So now I have to do all the work. I
25:00
Speaker 1: have to do all the work and share the mark
25:01
Speaker 1: because these cants are going to do any of the work.
25:04
Speaker 1: That's that kind of level of hyperindependence. When I was
25:06
Speaker 1: at UNI, I was with a very hyperindependent person in
25:09
Speaker 1: my group that was like doing all the work and
25:12
Speaker 1: I was submitting stuff and They're like, I've already done it,
25:14
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I mean, you're a straight at student,
25:17
Speaker 1: but please let me let me be marked on my
25:19
Speaker 1: fucking work. And I can totally see what was going
25:22
Speaker 1: on there. Now. I don't know about you, but all
25:24
Speaker 1: that list that I just said is not a fucking
25:27
Speaker 1: good time. It is not joyful. Joyful Lord, we adore
25:31
Speaker 1: thee It is the opposite. It is you end up
25:34
Speaker 1: feeling like shit, it's you again who suffers. You basically
25:39
Speaker 1: punish yourself for having been hurt in the past from
25:42
Speaker 1: somebody else. So this is why it's important to change it,
25:45
Speaker 1: because you end up being like it's me against the world.
25:48
Speaker 1: You suffer. It's pleasant in the short term because you're like, ah, again,
25:52
Speaker 1: I've proven that no one's going to hurt me, and
25:54
Speaker 1: that's you feel secure. You feel safe. I've just in
25:57
Speaker 1: that moment. But long term, you're like, where am I connection?
26:00
Speaker 1: Where do I feel this bond? Where do I feel
26:01
Speaker 1: that like we crave real connection, And it's really hard.
26:04
Speaker 1: So it's this push pull that you're experiencing the whole time.
26:07
Speaker 1: So let's look at how we can change this. Because hyperindependence,
26:12
Speaker 1: while it doesn't feel like it is our decision, it
26:15
Speaker 1: is a choice, and it doesn't feel like a choice
26:17
Speaker 1: because it is a reactive choice. It's a reaction to pain.
26:21
Speaker 1: It's a reaction to being hurt or abandoned. So it
26:25
Speaker 1: feels like it's a need but and like it also
26:29
Speaker 1: feels like we can't operate in any other way. But
26:31
Speaker 1: once you become really aware of it, the fact that
26:34
Speaker 1: you can change your behavior lets you know that it
26:36
Speaker 1: is a choice, not a choice that you can just oh,
26:39
Speaker 1: just switch it off whenever I want. But it's a choice. Okay,
26:42
Speaker 1: you've been hurt and you vow to never let anyone
26:45
Speaker 1: hurt you again? Like how often do we hear that narrative?
26:49
Speaker 1: And this, obviously one of the ways of it rolling
26:52
Speaker 1: out is in hyperindependence, other people get like really anxiously attached,
26:57
Speaker 1: so they vow to never be hurt again. And the
26:59
Speaker 1: way that that comes across is when I do have
27:02
Speaker 1: a partner, I need to know your everyomove. I need proof,
27:04
Speaker 1: I need proof, proof, proof that you love me. So
27:06
Speaker 1: It can show up in many different ways, but I
27:09
Speaker 1: think so so many of us can relate to this
27:12
Speaker 1: like pain that we've experienced, and then this promise that
27:15
Speaker 1: we make, like I would never go through that again. Okay,
27:18
Speaker 1: but that promise that you make to yourself can be
27:20
Speaker 1: extremely damaging. To say, I will vow to never get
27:24
Speaker 1: hurt again. Is you're lying to yourself because you are
27:28
Speaker 1: telling yourself that you're able to control something that's not
27:30
Speaker 1: in your control, and the only way to control it
27:33
Speaker 1: is to forego any intimacy. Ever again, that's really the
27:37
Speaker 1: only way, because the moment you include someone else in
27:40
Speaker 1: your life, you are saying, I am surrendering a level
27:43
Speaker 1: of control because I can't control what other people do
27:46
Speaker 1: to me. I can control trying to vet this person
27:49
Speaker 1: a little bit better. Now that I know the warning
27:51
Speaker 1: signs of what my ex was, I can try and
27:53
Speaker 1: control this. I can try, and you know date differently.
27:57
Speaker 1: There's certain things that I can try to control, which
28:00
Speaker 1: definitely helps. But you will never have total control of
28:03
Speaker 1: another individual. So when you say to yourself, when you
28:06
Speaker 1: make this promise to yourself of I will never get
28:09
Speaker 1: hurt again, you are lying to yourself saying that like
28:12
Speaker 1: pretending that it is within your control. The flip side
28:15
Speaker 1: of that is I promise that I will be on
28:19
Speaker 1: my side no matter what happens. That if I do
28:22
Speaker 1: get hurt, I'm working on equipping myself with the tools
28:25
Speaker 1: that I can heal in the best way possible. I
28:28
Speaker 1: can heal in the most productive way possible, that I
28:30
Speaker 1: can learn from these things, that I become a bigger person,
28:33
Speaker 1: that I can look at my past hurts and see how,
28:36
Speaker 1: you know, I was able to grow out of that,
28:39
Speaker 1: or able to heal from that, or able to learn
28:41
Speaker 1: from that. And it's not to say, oh, I'm grateful
28:44
Speaker 1: that this horrible thing happened to me, because I don't
28:45
Speaker 1: necessarily think that's the case. I don't think that a
28:47
Speaker 1: child of abuse, a child of abusive parents, should sit
28:50
Speaker 1: there and be like, well, I'm grateful that I was abused,
28:53
Speaker 1: because like, that's bullshit. It's not about thinking it was
28:55
Speaker 1: a good thing. But it's about looking at your past
28:57
Speaker 1: and being like, I was able to work through that,
29:00
Speaker 1: I was able to get new tools, and I am
29:02
Speaker 1: the person I am today because of growth in different areas.
29:07
Speaker 1: And instead of saying I'll never get hurt again, you
29:09
Speaker 1: can say, I vow to always be on my side,
29:12
Speaker 1: to be working on my resilience, to be working on
29:14
Speaker 1: my relationship with myself that when I get dealt a blow,
29:18
Speaker 1: if I'm able to put up with it and I
29:21
Speaker 1: trust that I can deal with it, that's the difference, Okay.
29:24
Speaker 1: And that's what I had learned. I had learned I
29:27
Speaker 1: was like I would never get hurt again to now
29:29
Speaker 1: being like, I'm building my life, I'm building my relationship
29:34
Speaker 1: with myself, my self esteem, my confidence, my self love
29:37
Speaker 1: to the extent that if I was to get hurt
29:39
Speaker 1: as heartbroken as I would be, I know I have
29:42
Speaker 1: the tools. I have my back basically, Okay, so it
29:47
Speaker 1: this whole thing is fear based. Okay, Now I'm dabbled
29:52
Speaker 1: in it lightly. But emotional hyperindependence is also a thing,
29:56
Speaker 1: and it's like a category offered. And this is where
29:58
Speaker 1: you basically think that it's all on your shoulders and
30:00
Speaker 1: you can't emotionally lean on anyone else. You have to
30:03
Speaker 1: handle it all on your own, and it causes you
30:07
Speaker 1: to bottle things up. And the hard thing about it
30:09
Speaker 1: is emotional hyperindependence is so fucked because you tell everyone
30:15
Speaker 1: you're okay, and everyone then congratulates you for being so strong,
30:20
Speaker 1: and then that strengthens You're like, well, then I must
30:22
Speaker 1: be okay because people are congratulated and it feels good
30:24
Speaker 1: when people congratulate me for being strong emotionally, So then
30:28
Speaker 1: I can't now turn around and say, actually, I'm not
30:30
Speaker 1: feeling strong right now. I fucking need to have a meltdown.
30:33
Speaker 1: I need your shoulder to cry and just let me vent.
30:35
Speaker 1: Don't give me a solution. I just need a meltdown.
30:37
Speaker 1: We don't do that because we've just been congratulated for
30:41
Speaker 1: being so strong. So then people don't think you need
30:44
Speaker 1: the help because you're putting on a facade. Then you think, well,
30:46
Speaker 1: no one's here to help me. It's all on me,
30:48
Speaker 1: and it's again, I fucking again. It's another vicious circle. Okay.
30:53
Speaker 1: So emotional hyperindependence is very, very painful, and pay attention
30:58
Speaker 1: to the people in your life that are hyperindependent across
31:02
Speaker 1: the board with a lot of things, and see and
31:04
Speaker 1: ask yourself, do I ever check in on them emotionally?
31:07
Speaker 1: Even if they're going to brush me, It doesn't matter.
31:09
Speaker 1: Just the fact of you checking in on them emotionally
31:13
Speaker 1: means something to them, even if they don't take the
31:16
Speaker 1: olive branch that you're extending, even if they don't take
31:18
Speaker 1: your shoulder to cry on. I think it's really important
31:21
Speaker 1: to be like sometimes the most really hyper independent people
31:24
Speaker 1: in my life are probably the ones that are cracking
31:25
Speaker 1: on the inside and think it's all on my fucking shoulders.
31:28
Speaker 1: It's been against the world. So even if you're not
31:31
Speaker 1: hyper independent, or even if you are, look at other
31:34
Speaker 1: people that might be that way and think, fac do
31:36
Speaker 1: I need to be just checking in on them a
31:37
Speaker 1: little bit? You know. Now, let's talk about what it's not.
31:41
Speaker 1: So it's not enjoying doing things for yourself when it's
31:44
Speaker 1: not a burden and when you actually don't require help.
31:47
Speaker 1: That's just independence. Okay. I like to do things for myself.
31:50
Speaker 1: I like to build this thing for myself. I feel fulfilled,
31:52
Speaker 1: I feel great. I don't feel like people are letting
31:55
Speaker 1: me down if I I just I feel good. It's
31:57
Speaker 1: not wanting to be alone and enjoying your own company.
32:01
Speaker 1: It's not living alone again, those things are just independence, okay.
32:06
Speaker 1: It's not relying on yourself for things that only you
32:09
Speaker 1: can do, because there are going to be certain things
32:11
Speaker 1: in your life that literally only you can do. Okay,
32:14
Speaker 1: like a certain goal that you set for yourself, you know,
32:17
Speaker 1: getting up in the morning and actually doing that thing. Okay,
32:20
Speaker 1: that's you relying on yourself. That's you relying on your
32:22
Speaker 1: habits and how you structure your day and all of that.
32:25
Speaker 1: So you choosing to rely on yourself for things that
32:28
Speaker 1: you can only do or for things that you want
32:30
Speaker 1: to do. That is just independence. That is not hyper independence.
32:34
Speaker 1: So don't confuse someone who enjoys living alone, loves their
32:37
Speaker 1: own company, will travel alone, you know, will you know
32:40
Speaker 1: it gets all this shit done. But who's actually quite
32:42
Speaker 1: calm and relaxed and then can open up up about
32:45
Speaker 1: their emotions and be like, oh god, I need to vent,
32:47
Speaker 1: I need this, I need to help, or to turn
32:49
Speaker 1: around be like hey, I'm moving houses, can you please
32:51
Speaker 1: help me? Like I'm desperate, I need help. So notice
32:53
Speaker 1: notice the balance there. They're independent with the things that
32:56
Speaker 1: are within the control that makes them happy, they feel fulfilled,
33:00
Speaker 1: it serves them. But then in the things where they
33:02
Speaker 1: actually can lean on people, they're using that resource. Okay, Now,
33:07
Speaker 1: this episode is also not an ad for you to
33:10
Speaker 1: go and become like fully dependent on someone and lean
33:14
Speaker 1: on the next clown you cross paths with on the street.
33:17
Speaker 1: It is to highlight why hyperindependence is hurting you and
33:20
Speaker 1: how to like push that needle closer to just healthy dependence.
33:24
Speaker 1: So what causes it? We've gotten to the fun bit.
33:27
Speaker 1: That's ironic. It's not the fun bit. Normally, people who've
33:31
Speaker 1: experienced trauma, emotional trauma, abuse, neglect. We see this especially
33:38
Speaker 1: in people who have childhood neglect. Childhood neglect is a
33:43
Speaker 1: really big predictor for this hyperindependence because it's literally neglect.
33:49
Speaker 1: When you needed someone the most you are a child,
33:51
Speaker 1: you needed some of the most, they weren't there for you,
33:53
Speaker 1: either emotionally or physically. Okay, And of course you grow
33:58
Speaker 1: up being like I literally is me against the world
34:01
Speaker 1: based on my history. That is all I can fucking
34:05
Speaker 1: take from it. But then of course you can also
34:07
Speaker 1: get it through like past trauma. It could be trauma
34:11
Speaker 1: as a child, but it could also be trauma within
34:15
Speaker 1: abusive relationships, whether it be abuse from your romantic partner,
34:19
Speaker 1: abuse from other people later on in life as an adult.
34:22
Speaker 1: So but ultimately it comes down from being let down
34:26
Speaker 1: and being hurt in a really awful way by somebody. Okay. Now,
34:33
Speaker 1: attachment theory does tie into this a little bit. So
34:36
Speaker 1: avoidant attachment is also quite hyper independent. I've got a
34:40
Speaker 1: whole episode on attachment, so I won't dove into it now,
34:43
Speaker 1: but if you're somebody that has avoidant attachment, you might
34:48
Speaker 1: really relate with what I'm saying. Also dismissive avoidant personalities
34:52
Speaker 1: as well, and people that have PTSD and hypervigilance, they
34:57
Speaker 1: may become quite hyper independent as well. This fear of
35:01
Speaker 1: abandonment is really prevalent in a lot of this hyperindependence thing. Now,
35:06
Speaker 1: let's talk about the clearly difference between independence and hyperindependence.
35:11
Speaker 1: So independence is allowing vulnerability and openness within your relationship.
35:16
Speaker 1: It's not feeling like you will be let down, but
35:19
Speaker 1: it's also knowing that you can rely on yourself if
35:23
Speaker 1: you are let down. That's independence. Independence is saying I
35:27
Speaker 1: need connection, I need this. I see the value in
35:30
Speaker 1: being vulnerable. I see all that I gain by letting
35:34
Speaker 1: my walls down and allowing someone in to do things
35:37
Speaker 1: for me, whether it's emotionally physically. But I also see
35:40
Speaker 1: that this may not work out, and if it doesn't,
35:44
Speaker 1: I will be the one that will pick up the pieces.
35:46
Speaker 1: And that is okay, right now. True independence is this
35:53
Speaker 1: ability to rely on your own resources and your own
35:56
Speaker 1: resilience while being vulnerable. Okay, so if something goes wrong,
36:01
Speaker 1: I can pick up the pieces I can heal, I
36:03
Speaker 1: will find a way. Needing to block everyone out not
36:07
Speaker 1: asking for help avoiding vulnerability, but needing to block people
36:11
Speaker 1: out and avoiding vulnerability is actually not really that independent
36:15
Speaker 1: in the sense of like how much you can rely
36:18
Speaker 1: on yourself. You're literally saying, I don't think I have
36:21
Speaker 1: the tools to get through this again, So I'm actually
36:25
Speaker 1: going to not allow people to come in and give
36:29
Speaker 1: people the chance to hurt me. I'm foregoing that. So
36:34
Speaker 1: I'm missing out. I'm actually missing out, and I'm scared,
36:39
Speaker 1: and I'm living this self fulfilling prophecy with this bias
36:42
Speaker 1: that everything I look at confirms my point of view.
36:46
Speaker 1: No one's helping me. Now, I've got to do it
36:47
Speaker 1: for myself. And because you're doing for yourself, no one's
36:49
Speaker 1: helping you. And see, no one fucking helps me. So
36:50
Speaker 1: I've got to fucking do it for myself emotionally and physically.
36:53
Speaker 1: And so we think that we're really independent, but really
36:57
Speaker 1: we're scared. It's fear and it's masked as strength and
37:03
Speaker 1: like you know, like walls up, this and that. But
37:07
Speaker 1: the inability to be vulnerable is fear, okay, and we
37:10
Speaker 1: don't like to admit it, but that's what it is.
37:12
Speaker 1: It's this desire for control over your circumstances while not
37:17
Speaker 1: actually benefiting from this fake control in any way, shape
37:22
Speaker 1: or form. Where's the benefit really other than the short
37:24
Speaker 1: term I didn't get hurt this time, this person wasn't
37:26
Speaker 1: ever hurt me. You don't really benefit, right, But real
37:30
Speaker 1: independence is flexible, right, It's moldable, it's evolution, it's growth,
37:35
Speaker 1: it's moving with the times, it's learning, it's all these
37:40
Speaker 1: things that make you gain real control of your life.
37:43
Speaker 1: That's real control. Where you are flexible. Where you don't
37:46
Speaker 1: have that flexibility, you're out of control and it feels
37:49
Speaker 1: like control is slipping away, slipping away. So you're tightening.
37:52
Speaker 1: You're tightening that not tighter and tighter and tighter, but yeah,
37:55
Speaker 1: if you're limiting the interactions that you have and you're
37:57
Speaker 1: like streamlining your chances of getting hurt. One one is
38:00
Speaker 1: putting a shield around you, and that's hyperindependence. I'm putting
38:04
Speaker 1: a shield around me, versus the other one is wearing armor.
38:08
Speaker 1: And just entering life with the armor that you've equipped
38:10
Speaker 1: yourself with, and that's independence. Okay, so it's I can't
38:13
Speaker 1: get hurt. I am a bit more vulnerable, but I've
38:15
Speaker 1: got the tools here so I don't absolutely crumble versus
38:19
Speaker 1: I'm shielded off from the rest of the world. That's
38:21
Speaker 1: kind of how I look at the analogy between hyperindependence
38:25
Speaker 1: and independence. Now, how do we change it? How do
38:29
Speaker 1: we fuck and change it? Other than dating like a
38:32
Speaker 1: really secure, normal person who will coach you through your ways,
38:36
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily about being softer and having to allow
38:40
Speaker 1: people to do things for you. You know, people talk
38:43
Speaker 1: about masculine energy and feminine energy and I'm not even
38:46
Speaker 1: like commenting on that whether it's good, But that's fine
38:50
Speaker 1: about like, you know, I want to be in my
38:51
Speaker 1: soft energy and a lot. It's not even about that. Okay,
38:54
Speaker 1: it could be if you want, but it's not necessarily
38:56
Speaker 1: about that. It's just about understanding where am I hurting
39:02
Speaker 1: myself with not letting people do things for me. Okay,
39:07
Speaker 1: you don't have to be the softest person in the
39:08
Speaker 1: world to let someone help you carry the groceries inside.
39:11
Speaker 1: You don't have to be the softest person in the
39:13
Speaker 1: world to ask someone to help you with something. Okay,
39:17
Speaker 1: so how do we change it? Basically, in a nutshell,
39:20
Speaker 1: it is number one. Acknowledging Number one. You want to
39:24
Speaker 1: acknowledge that you are hyper independent, and you want to
39:27
Speaker 1: acknowledge the times that it has hurt you in the past. Okay,
39:31
Speaker 1: Then you want to start to look at what your
39:33
Speaker 1: life could look like, if look like if you accepted
39:36
Speaker 1: help in certain areas, and it's kind of like you
39:39
Speaker 1: can start small, and this is where cognitive behavioral therapy
39:41
Speaker 1: really comes into play, because you look at your language
39:44
Speaker 1: around things, you look at how you approach things, and
39:45
Speaker 1: then you come up with alternative ways of interpreting things,
39:48
Speaker 1: alternative ways of approaching things. So, if you've got the
39:51
Speaker 1: means and you feel you're so hyper independent that it's
39:53
Speaker 1: hurting you, and you have the means, therapy is a
39:56
Speaker 1: great way to break out of that and still feel
39:59
Speaker 1: strong and vulnerable. But you can just start journaling a
40:05
Speaker 1: lot about how you're feeling. You can start because awareness
40:07
Speaker 1: is key. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. So
40:10
Speaker 1: you want to look at Okay, this is where it
40:13
Speaker 1: hurt me. This person tried to help me, and I
40:16
Speaker 1: brushed them off. Maybe if I had accepted that help,
40:18
Speaker 1: I would have gotten to know this person a little
40:20
Speaker 1: bit more. Maybe I should go to my friend and say, hey,
40:23
Speaker 1: do you have a minute so I can just like
40:25
Speaker 1: vent about something. Your friend will probably be shocked and
40:27
Speaker 1: be like, yes, I have a fucking man I've had
40:29
Speaker 1: tell me, you know, like even with my friends, even
40:33
Speaker 1: with live I remember when I was like in my
40:35
Speaker 1: hyperindependent era, when I was like, oh babe, I just
40:38
Speaker 1: have like I've just got I just like I feel
40:40
Speaker 1: like I'm having about time. She's like, oh my god,
40:41
Speaker 1: oh my god, what tell me, tell me what what?
40:42
Speaker 1: I'll drop everything because she was so like, there's an
40:45
Speaker 1: opportunity for you to just like talk about everything because
40:48
Speaker 1: you don't want to really talk about your feelings or emotions.
40:51
Speaker 1: So your friends will be so willing and ready, and
40:55
Speaker 1: your family to like, oh my god, they're opening up.
40:57
Speaker 1: We're here for you, We're here for you. They want that,
41:00
Speaker 1: they just think you probably don't need it because you've
41:02
Speaker 1: shut them off. So identifying behaviors start small incremental steps.
41:07
Speaker 1: You know, have a venting conversation every once in a while,
41:09
Speaker 1: maybe once a week with your friend, like have a
41:11
Speaker 1: scheduled bread being like these are the things, and it
41:13
Speaker 1: just helps you. It trains you to be like, it's
41:15
Speaker 1: okay to talk about your feelings. It's okay to say
41:17
Speaker 1: I felt like a fool in this scenario. I felt
41:21
Speaker 1: shut down or I felt You start talking about your emotions,
41:23
Speaker 1: you start leaning on people, you start letting them support you,
41:27
Speaker 1: You start asking for help from the people close to you,
41:30
Speaker 1: and before you know it, you start realizing, by letting
41:33
Speaker 1: go of these rains, I'm not letting go of who
41:35
Speaker 1: I am. I'm not hurting myself, and if someone were
41:40
Speaker 1: to let me down, I could just as easily, you know,
41:45
Speaker 1: find a way to heal from that. You know I could, well,
41:49
Speaker 1: maybe not easily, but I know I could heal from that.
41:51
Speaker 1: Or I know I could be like, Okay, you can't
41:53
Speaker 1: help me in that fair enough, I thought you would
41:55
Speaker 1: be able to help me, But I can go to
41:56
Speaker 1: this other person who i'm maybole to help me, or
41:58
Speaker 1: maybe this time I can do it for myself. So
42:00
Speaker 1: it's this like small little behaviors, writing down every time
42:05
Speaker 1: you feel that you're doing it throughout your day, or
42:06
Speaker 1: every time that you've done it in the past. What
42:08
Speaker 1: are your main triggers? What are you most afraid of?
42:11
Speaker 1: Is it emotional hurt? Is it physical where people throw
42:14
Speaker 1: something that they've done for you physically in your face.
42:16
Speaker 1: Because it's also okay to be like that person never
42:20
Speaker 1: does a favor, they always want to throw it back
42:21
Speaker 1: in my face, and then you avoid that person. Okay,
42:24
Speaker 1: So it's about learning who can I rely on? Who
42:26
Speaker 1: can't I rely on it? That's okay. There's certain people
42:29
Speaker 1: that are always going to be like, well, tip for tat,
42:32
Speaker 1: and then you're like, all right, well, I don't want
42:33
Speaker 1: that kind of dynamic. It doesn't have to be tip
42:35
Speaker 1: for tat. I want it to just be a flowing
42:37
Speaker 1: relationship where we can both help each other when it's needed.
42:39
Speaker 1: And then don't go to them to help you with
42:41
Speaker 1: your groceries. Go to someone who's going to be more
42:44
Speaker 1: open and free and who also and a really good
42:46
Speaker 1: person to go to for that is people who you
42:48
Speaker 1: see asking for help from other people. They're the best
42:50
Speaker 1: people to gravitate to. You learn a lot from them.
42:52
Speaker 1: You're like, Wow, they're so open and vulnerable and they're
42:54
Speaker 1: happy to talk about this stuff. I can take a
42:56
Speaker 1: page out of your book. All right, guys, thank you
42:58
Speaker 1: so much for listening today's epis. I feel like I'm
43:01
Speaker 1: emotionally very much resonated with this topic. I've spoken about
43:05
Speaker 1: it in the past, but never in depth about hyperindependence,
43:08
Speaker 1: and I think that based on like all your stories
43:10
Speaker 1: that you write into me, like a lot of us
43:12
Speaker 1: go through this hyperindependence and it's a fucking it's a pest.
43:18
Speaker 1: It's a pest, and this episode is the pest aside
43:22
Speaker 1: to this hyperindependence. So guys, love you so much as always.
43:25
Speaker 1: Adore my beans, my global beans. Shout out to my
43:29
Speaker 1: beans in let's do a shout out I haven't done
43:30
Speaker 1: in a while. My Portuguese beans. I've got some beans
43:33
Speaker 1: in Portugal. Love you guys so much, personal shout out
43:36
Speaker 1: to you, and that is all. Guys. Always remember, be
43:39
Speaker 1: kind to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't take
43:41
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
43:44
Speaker 1: Dunker