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Toy Story and Loneliness: Why Connection Keeps Us Alive · Yes And Land

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Welcome to Yes And Land, where we say yes to
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the reality of yesterday and today, and we say
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and to the possibility, growth, and imagination
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of tomorrow. In 2023, United States Surgeon General
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Vivek Murthy issued a Surgeon General's advisory
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titled, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.
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In that advisory, he writes, quote, loneliness
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is far more than just a bad feeling. It harms
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both individual and societal health, end quote.
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When he says that, he is not speaking metaphorically.
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He's writing as the chief public health officer
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of the United States. Loneliness, in his words,
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is not simply emotional discomfort. It is structural
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and measurable. It affects individuals and it
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affects the broader health of society. Later
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in the advisory, Murthy writes, quote, it is
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associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular
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disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety,
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and premature death. The mortality impact of
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being socially disconnected is similar to that
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caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and
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even greater than that associated with obesity
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and physical inactivity. in the harmful consequences
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of a society that lacks social connection can
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be felt in our schools, workplaces, and civic
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organizations where performance, productivity,
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and engagement are diminished." The comparison
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of social disconnection to smoking 15 cigarettes
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a day is grounded in public health data. It places
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social disconnection alongside some of the most
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well -known preventable health risks in modern
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medicine. The same time, one of the longest running
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longitudinal studies in history conducted at
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Harvard University has followed participants
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across more than eight decades of life. Summarizing
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the findings of that study, psychiatrist and
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professor Robert Waldinger has said, good relationships
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keep us happier and healthier, period. He also
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noted the people who were the most satisfied
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in the relationships at age 50 were the healthiest
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at age 80. Now, taken together, these conclusions
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are remarkably consistent. The quality of our
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relationships shapes not only how we feel, but
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how long and how well we live. And yet culturally,
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something feels unsettled. I see it in conversations
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with men who are busy, accomplished, and respected,
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but who quietly or secretly admit they do not
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have many people they feel deeply connected to.
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I see it in women navigating divorce who are
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rebuilding their lives and discovering that the
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structure of being intentionally prioritized
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by someone has disappeared. I see it in marriages
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that do not end in dramatic betrayal, but in
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gradual drift. Most divorces do not begin with
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catastrophe. They begin with quiet disconnection.
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Two people who once paid close attention to each
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other slowly stop doing so. They stop protecting
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time. They stop asking deeper questions. They
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assume proximity equals intimacy. They share
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a house and a calendar and responsibilities,
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but somewhere along the way they stop feeling
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chosen. That word matters more than we often
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acknowledge. To feel chosen is to feel secure.
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It is to feel noticed, valued, and remembered
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in the midst of ordinary days. When that sense
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of being chosen fades, something essential begins
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to erode. The same dynamic plays out in adult
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friendships. Many of us build strong friendships
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in seasons of life where proximity did most of
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the work. School schedules, teams, shared dorms,
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structured communities. Repetition created familiarity.
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Familiarity created trust, and trust created
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depth. But adulthood rarely provides that structure
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automatically. Careers accelerate, families demand
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attention, devices fill our quiet moments. We
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remain in contact, but contact is not the same
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as connection. Loneliness often does not arrive
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with a dramatic event. It arrives slowly in the
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absence of initiative. When I think about that
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drift, I think about Woody and Buzz and Toy Story.
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At the beginning of the film, Woody is not alone.
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He has community, he has a history and significance.
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The other toys look to him as their leader and
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he is secure in his place. And then Buzz Lightyear
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enters the room. Nothing tangible is taken from
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Woody. Andy still loves him and he still has
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a home and a community. But something shifts
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internally. Buzz is impressive. He commands attention
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effortlessly. The admiration in the room begins
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to tilt in a new direction. Woody interprets
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that shift as a threat and begins to unwittingly
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adopt a scarcity mentality. What follows is subtle
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but revealing. Woody becomes competitive. He
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interrupts. He undermines. He attempts to orchestrate
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moments that will diminish Buzz. His behavior
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grows smaller. Not because he is cruel, but because
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he is afraid. He fears losing significance and
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being replaced. After a variety of attempts by
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Woody to undermine and disparage Buzz, Andy takes
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them both to Pizza Planet and accidentally leaves
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them behind. Woody is panicking and Buzz is still
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attempting to contact Star Command. Woody then
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shouts an off -repeated line to Buzz, You are
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a toy! You are a child's plaything! Buzz looks
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at him and says, You are a sad, strange little
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man. And you have my pity. Now, that line stings
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because Woody's behavior has indeed become strange
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and defensive. But what makes the moment complex
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is that Buzz sees the behavior without understanding
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the wound beneath it. He recognizes the insecurity
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but responds with dismissal rather than empathy.
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That dynamic is painfully familiar in adult relationships.
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When someone acts competitively or defensively,
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it is easy to label them. It is easy to say something
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cutting. But pity does not build connection,
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and name -calling does not create safety. We
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do not need friends who diagnose us from a distance.
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We need friends who are willing to understand
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what fear might be driving beneath the surface.
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Later in the film, the roles reverse. After continual
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attempts by Buzz to prove to everyone else that
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he's a real space ranger, he discovers through
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a television commercial that he is, in fact,
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a toy. His identity collapses in a moment. Woody's
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prior statement that Buzz is a toy was true,
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but the truth was delivered as a weapon. Buzz
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withdraws himself to isolation and depression
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as this truth sinks in. There is a key difference
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between truth and weaponized truth. Weaponized
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truth aims to diminish. Compassionate truth creates
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space for reflection, perspective, and grounded
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in care and empathy. One exposes weakness for
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the sake of dominance. The other names reality
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for the sake of growth. Our culture often applauds
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bluntness. We praise people who say that they
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are just being honest or who tell it like it
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is. Authenticity is celebrated, and rightly so.
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Honesty is an invaluable trait. Also, that honesty,
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the way it's delivered, matters just as much
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as the honesty itself. Saying something sharp
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and then hiding behind the phrase, I'm just being
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honest, can become a way of excusing a lack of
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care. Truth without kindness fractures connection.
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Truth delivered with kindness strengthens it.
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In divorce, identity collapse can feel abrupt,
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just like Buzz watching the commercial. Someone
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walks into a marriage believing they are a spouse,
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a partner, part of a permanent future. When divorce
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becomes real, that narrative shatters. Questions
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surface that feel deeply personal. Who am I now?
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What does this say about me? Was I wrong about
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everything? Like Buzz, many people initially
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withdraw. They sit quietly with the pieces of
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a story that no longer fit. The instinct is to
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isolate rather than engage. But Buzz's story
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does not end in isolation. He eventually accepts
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the truth that he is a toy, but he does not accept
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the implication that he is worthless or not worthy
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of love and admiration. To Andy, he is still
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Buzz Lightyear and brings fun and joy. The collapse
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of one narrative makes room for a more grounded
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identity. Woody must undergo a similar shift.
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He had to confront his insecurity and realize
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that making room for Buzz does not make him less.
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When he finally chooses to risk himself for Buzz
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rather than protect his status, something changes.
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He becomes more secure, not less. The room becomes
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richer because there is space for both of them.
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As a divorce attorney, I see something very similar
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play out after divorce. Divorce often brings
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an identity collapse that feels remarkably similar
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to Buzz watching that commercial. You lose the
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routine of shared mornings and evenings. You
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lose the assumed partnership. You face financial
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strain and the responsibility of supporting a
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new version of your family. You may feel unchosen.
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Even if you initiated the divorce for necessary
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reasons, there is still grief attached to the
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loss of the story you once believed. Scarcity
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creeps in, scarcity of love, time with your children,
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future connection. When scarcity sets in, insecurity
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often follows. An insecurity, if left unattended,
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can distort behavior. It can make you more critical,
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defensive, and reactive. It can also make you
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tightened instead of trust. We also see these
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issues creep in when a former spouse begins a
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new relationship. It can feel like buzz entering
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the room. Nothing tangible has taken from you.
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You still love your children and they love you.
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You are still their parent. Your identity as
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mother or father has not disappeared, but something
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shifts internally. The admiration in the room
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feels like it is tilting in a new direction.
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The children mention someone new. There are new
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routines, traditions, and influences. And suddenly,
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what was once secure can feel threatened. I see
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parents begin to compare themselves to their
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ex in those situations, comparing who was more
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present, more fun, more disciplined, more loved.
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I see a spike in criticism and fault -finding.
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I see heightened sensitivity to small things,
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not because people are malicious. because something
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deeper feels unstable. It is not really about
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the new partner for their ex -spouse. It is about
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identity. The fear of no longer being the hero
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in your child's life. The disorientation of no
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longer being the spouse in a structure that wants
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to find you. Even when the marriage was unhappy,
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there was familiarity. There was routine and
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belonging. I do not say that to criticize anyone
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navigating divorce. I say it because it is human.
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Fragile seasons amplify fear, and in those fragile
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seasons I often see two common mistakes. The
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first is isolation. People retreat. They convince
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themselves they need to handle it alone to protect
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their pride. They tell themselves they are wired
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to figure it out without leaning on anyone. The
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second is overcorrection, trying to prove strength,
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prove worth, trying to prove that they are still
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winning in some invisible competition. But neither
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isolation nor competition rebuilds belonging.
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For men I wish more would understand it is not
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weakness to talk about the emotional impact of
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divorce Sitting in a room with other men who
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are navigating similar loss does not diminish
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strength It strengthens belonging and wards off
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the feelings of doing it alone for women rebuilding
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after divorce I wish more understood that deepening
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friendships is not a distraction from healing
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Those friendships don't need to detract from
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your role as a mother. Yes You can be a great
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mom and do things with and for your kids and
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you can deepen your meaningful friendships. It
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is part of healing. Letting other people see
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your story, supporting them and letting them
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support you restores belonging in ways independence
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alone cannot. The collapse of one identity does
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not mean the collapse of your value. Buzz was
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not the space ranger he imagined, but he was
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still deeply loved. Woody was not being replaced,
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he simply had to make room. In divorce, making
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room for a new reality does not erase who you
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have been, it expands who you can become. Loneliness
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often grows in fragile identity. When we feel
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threatened, we withdraw. When we feel exposed,
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we protect. When we feel diminished, we tighten.
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Community grows in secure identity and courageous
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initiative. It grows when we choose to move towards
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someone else instead of away from them. If loneliness
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is a structural and measurable health concern,
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and if decades of research confirm that relationships
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shape our well -being, then waiting passively
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for connection is not a sustainable strategy.
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Courageous initiative is the engine of connection.
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And courageous initiative does not require a
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personality overhaul. It requires movement. So
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as you think about your own life, I want to leave
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you with three very clear places to begin. First,
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if you are busy with work and responsibilities
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and accomplishments, but in reality you are disconnected
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and lack deep, meaningful relationships, initiate
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instead of waiting. Do not assume your schedule
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excuses your isolation. Reach out to one person
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this week. Send the message you have been meaning
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to send. Invite someone to lunch or to a workout
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or to grab a soda and talk. Let me be clear.
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Leadership in your career does not replace leadership
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in your relationships. Taking the initiative
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to take the first step and lead out in the building
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of that community interrupts the isolation and
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loneliness that fills your time. Second, place
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yourself in one consistent environment where
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connection can grow naturally. Friendships deepen
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through repetition. Shared pursuit removes pressure
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and builds familiarity over time. Join something
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that meets weekly, something maybe you've drifted
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from, whether it is attending regular church
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functions, joining a pickleball league, a divorce
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support group, or bingo night. Connection is
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rarely built in isolated encounters, is built
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in repeated presence, building trust and providing
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a sense of belonging. Third, move one existing
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relationship one layer deeper. Ask a better question.
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Offer a more honest answer. Express appreciation
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out loud. Choose compassionate truth. or weaponized
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truth. These small shifts in vulnerability create
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large changes. Let's boil it down to three takeaways.
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One, initiate one relationship this week. Two,
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commit to a consistent shared environment or
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activity. Three, go one layer deeper with someone
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who already knows you. None of these steps are
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dramatic, but over time, they are transformative.
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Woody did not rebuild belonging by hoping the
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room would change. He rebuilt it by choosing
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differently and serving someone else. Buzz did
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not rediscover purpose by clinging to illusion.
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He rediscovered it by acknowledging the past
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and saying yes to the new reality and hope for
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the future. The Surgeon General did not issue
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an advisory because people needed more hobbies.
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He issued it because loneliness is harming our
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health. Good relationships help keep us happier
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and healthier. So if you are busy, respected,
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and even a successful professional, but secretly
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disconnected or lonely, this matters. If you
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are rebuilding after divorce and now feel alone
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or isolated in that rebuilding, this matters.
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If you've convinced yourself that you are just
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wired to handle things on your own, this matters.
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If relationships shape how long and how well
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we live, then building them is not optional,
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it is essential. Community is not found, it is
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built. And your health depends on it. As you
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lead this conversation, remember that yes, the
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past can hurt. and you can either run from it
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or you can learn from it. So here's to learning
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and finding joy in the journey. See you real
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soon.