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Marriage...what's in it for me? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Inc.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: We are gonna answer a question from Lauren who asks, Why should I get married?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Listen in.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your answer is a lot related.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey guys, it's Doc David with another episode of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And like like many of you regular listeners know, I get asked lots of questions.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: People email me, ask questions, and so I come on here and I try to answer those questions to the best of my ability.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: So today Lauren um emailed me and she asked me a very short question, but uh it there's a lot of answers.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm tasked with the job of kind of breaking it down into some issues that I see.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's a multifaceted question or answer.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um so the question from Lauren is Hi, I have a question about marriage.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want to know what are good reasons for me to want to get married.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's the first part.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Next question, I want to have children.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have to get married to have kids?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so let me break this down in a couple of ways.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So um any kind of questions like this about big topics like marriage, kids, children, um, everyone's gonna have lots of opinions about that based on their own personal experiences and their own personal biases.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh recognizing that, I mean, it straight out of the gate, I'd say um you should have kids after you get married.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: In my mind, there's a natural order to things.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's like a pro a progression with things.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some people that um are living together that aren't married, that have kids, they may disagree with me.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so um that's fine because all that kind of information tends to be anecdotal.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, like this that story for me um of being married and then having kids and and being married for 21 years, that works for me.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But some for another person it may not work.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But then that that brings up a whole nother slew of questions of why isn't it working for that person and why does it work for me?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, why does it work for other people to cohabitate for a long period of time, et cetera, et cetera.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I I tend to try to go back to um what studies say, and so I I've kind of looking around the web.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's the great thing about the web.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Prior to the web, uh people had to go to libraries and do work, and how lame you have to go to a library.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so now you can just you know go to Google and and type in um the question, what are the benefits of marriage?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the the other thing, a lot of times I get questions from people, and I I there are questions like this that I usually don't answer because they're they s they feel like it's a homework type question.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: So Lauren's sitting in a class, and the question is, you need to write an essay on why marriage is beneficial.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so then instead of doing and it's not just with Lauren, I've experienced this with other a couple other questions that seem very homework-y.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I usually don't answer that.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I thought I I saw this question, I thought it was a it was a good um something good to talk about because I think marriage is important in our society.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um I I think what I have found in in looking through a lot of different research online is that over and over, um, I mean, and and there I I'm not the I'm not gonna cite all my research that I've looked up.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can just Google it and find it on your own.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um the the search you do is the benefits of marriage.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then you'll find numerous studies, like 40 years of research.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and what 40 years of research def describes is that a good marriage is um the best is the best bet for living a long and healthy life for men and women, surprisingly.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so one of the uh researchers that I was reading said the benefits for marriage are as large as the benefit from giving up smoking.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Which let that sink in for a moment.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the stories that I've heard from people that give up smoking is um they can breathe better, they have more energy, they don't cough, they don't get lung cancer potentially.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean the the fact that a sociologist who does does research on marriage described it as that is is pretty amazing.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: So the the current um body of research consistently, and that's that's a key word, consistently finds that um married men and women are more likely to live longer, more likely to be physically healthier, more likely to be mentally healthier, more likely to be happier, um recover from illness quicker and more successfully, and generally take better care of themselves and avoid risky behavior.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean that I just said a lot of the benefits of marriage.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so let's try to break it down a little bit.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um a a professor Robert Coombs from the UCLA found that uh virtually every study of mortality and marital status shows that unmarried of both sexes have higher death rates, whether by accident, disease, or self-inflicted wounds.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this is found in every country that maintains accurate health statistics.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, um I'm sure there's outliers to that where but I'm I'm making an assumption without actually having read that study.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've read an excerpt of it, that um this that he's proven that that's uh causal, right?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: So there's causation and correlate correlation.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a feeling that this longevity um living longer when you're married is a causation um study that that's happened.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so the reason that married people tend to live longer is not completely understood, but um researchers have thought that the benefit could result um of the economic advantages of marriage.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's interesting because a lot of times I get with couples and they say they're not married because of the economic advantages, the disadvantages that would take place.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that again, those are more outliers, that's not the norm.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think if you end up cohabitating and then you increase, you know, if you've cohabitated starting young and then you increase in your career, you advance in your career, and you get paid more separately.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think then the sense is wow, if we combine our incomes, it's going to be a higher tax.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um that's my assumption based on the conversations I've had with cohabitating couples.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that's an accountant, well, I guess would be the best one to have a conversation about that.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So longer life is one of the benefits of being married.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um physical health.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So married people live longer because they're more likely to enjoy physical health.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now I think it's funny because I don't I don't exercise, and I I'm one of those guys that say I need to, but then I don't really, I must not really believe that because I don't.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: But so I'm married, so I'm gonna live longer than the single person who works out all the time.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So that makes me happy if that's if it's true.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean the research says it's true.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So your physical health uh is increased when you're married.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of that may be related to um you know you're living with this other person, and so they're very aware of the choices that you're making health-wise.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have you and your spouse have a vested interest in one another and watching out for one another.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so if you see your spouse drinking him or herself into oblivion, you know, if you are a single person doing that, no one's probably gonna point that out to you.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: You may have some friends that point it out to you, but you go home to your to yourself and you don't have to deal with anybody.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're a married person, um you have your spouse to interact with while you're inebriated, and then you have potentially have kids, and so there's more um incentive to stay physically healthy, and you have your wife and and kids potentially watching out for you as well.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um so an interesting note with the physical health is that wives tend to discourage drinking, smoking, unnecessary risk taking, also improve the family's diet.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And and they've also said that men actually decrease many self-destructive patterns up to a year before their actual wedding date.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen that too, where I I have a friend who got married, and like probably six to twelve months before he got married, he started working out, started eating better, um, and then he got married, and I think that all stopped.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I I but I think that's typically the norm, um, is that for men, what I've seen in talking to premarried men is that there's this uh focus on health and and being better um as they get closer to their uh marriage closer to their wedding date.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: So another um great benefit is mental health and happiness.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now that may seem it's interesting because uh a lot of times, and this is the world that I operate.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I I operate in the world where people are coming to me about the challenges in their relationships and how horrible the other person is and how they just want to get divorced.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's kind of counter it's counterintuitive this idea of better mental health and happiness for me uh to think about.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I understand that that's true, but a lot of the relationships that I interact with, um a lot of the marital relationships that I interact with, the mental health and happiness is not there.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um so, but what the studies have found is that the mental health benefits are a good reason for married couples considering divorce to work at staying together because divorce and separation are associated with a much higher risk of mental illness and most of all depression.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think what happens is um a lot of times, you know, couples think, oh, if I can just get out of this crazy relationship, if I can just get out of this marriage, um, then everything's gonna be better.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And in reality, things don't often get better.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: They either get into another um dysfunctional relationship or they stay single and stay really depressed.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's always gonna be outliers to that because I know that there's some relationships where one of the spouses has mental illness or an addiction issue or they're having multiple affairs.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so those I think are outliers, and so I'm not suggesting that you, you know, stay with somebody that's abusing you or somebody that's serious a serial cheater.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I think overall the idea is that if you're in a good marriage, that your mental health and happiness is overall going to be higher.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then one of the questions I often get is like, why should I get married?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just live with the person.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, studies show studies showed at one point that the rates of divorce are higher if you cohabitated prior to marriage.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think those rates have come down.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't find like a current accurate um current accurate research on that.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um But the what the studies showed is uh they explored you know several cohabitating couples or singles with close relationships enjoying similar health benefits uh to those enjoyed by married people.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it and what they found over and over is that they do not that they say the mechanisms causing the increased likelihood of longevity and health are not shared by cohabitating couples.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought that was kind of interesting because I think a lot of times people just figure, oh, we'll just cohabitate and everything will be fine.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to get married, we don't need a piece of paper from the government.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that there's the there's this mental piece, um, and and it's not overtly an overt mental piece where a person's thinking about it every day.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's more of a subconscious thing where when you're married, there's this security that's there versus when you're cohabitating, there's not the same security.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't define it, but I I know it when I so when I see it.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And again, over and over, what I've seen with I've worked with couples that have been married and couples that are cohabitating.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And there is that like in my mind, when I think a person's married, their focus should be on the person that they're married to.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you're cohabitating, there's no uh commitment.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: You may have made a verbal commitment, yes, we're gonna live together, but you haven't, I guess in my mind, you haven't gone all in into that relationship.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: With cohabitation, you know, if someone really gets on your nerves, then oh, I'm just gonna leave this relationship.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna leave this home and then find the next person to move in with them.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas with marriage is different, like when you make the commitment to be married, you commit to working on things with that person.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and some will say the pushback is well, you know, when I'm living with my partner, I've made that commitment.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say, I don't think you I don't think you have.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a mental, a mental thing.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what the study has also found is unlike marriage, cohabitation is negatively associated with both financial satisfaction and health.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, several researchers have noted that cohabitors have poorer psychological well-being compared to married individuals, suggesting that the protection effects of marriage are not as applicable to cohabitation.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and again, I think the challenge there is like who's doing the study.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: As as with many studies, um the person behind the study, if they have an agenda, it's hard to separate themselves from the agenda.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think you're supposed to when you do a study, but I I think oftentimes what what you will find is that separation um from the agenda is difficult.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's why it's important to like with serious questions about what are the benefits of marriage and are there benefits for cohabitation.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like for me, I I just because of how I was raised and because of how I view the world, um, cohabitation is not a good idea, right?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that there's just too many risks involved.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the pushback again, people would say, well, there's too many risks involved with marriage.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that I would say in my experience, that's not the case.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I think the studies will show you that there's way more benefits to marriage than um than outweighs the the bad parts of marriage.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: So the second question uh that Lauren asked me was related to um I want to have children, do I have to get married to have kids?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um again for me, I think the studies will continually show that the more stable a relationship is, the better um it is for a kid.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of the more stable ways to um have a relationship is marriage.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, uh and so I think that um if you are married, again, in my mind, it's the natural progression of things because over and over, again, remember the the the um atmosphere or the world that I work in is people that often have made choices that get them stuck.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I come in and I try to help them get unstuck from the choices they've made.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times the choices that I've seen around having kids tend to be um, you know, unmarried teens who have a kid, and so then they decide I'm instead of adopting this kid out to a two-parent stable household, I'm gonna raise this kid on my own.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And there are definite challenges that come with that.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and over and over, what I see the challenges are like when you don't come from a um uh a background, uh a stable socioeconomic background, you rely a lot on government assistance for things, and then you don't stop making the bad choices, and then your kid kind of gets caught in this cycle of poverty potentially.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying that a person who has a kid as a teen can't be successful.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I I think again, those are outliers.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh most of the many of the people that I interact with that um are adults now that had kids when they were teens would would want to do things differently because of the difficulties that came with being a teen uh parent having to do school and having to do child care and maybe missing out on homecomings and things like that.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, um what happens with teen parents is that the mom gets most of the burden of the child and the the young man, the father, doesn't have a lot of the burden, which I think is completely unfair.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that the man definitely should shoulder at least half of the burden of the baby, and I think a lot of times parents, parents of the teens who have the kids don't um handle it appropriately as well.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: But that's for another podcast, that's for another time.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um Lauren, thanks for your question.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is a huge um it's a huge question, and there's lots of different answers, and so hopefully I was able to take care of some of those answers.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's something we may come back and uh talk about in a future podcast.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you want to get in touch and ask me a question, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great day.