Latest / Life Lived Better / Episode 137: Romantic Relationships, Part 1

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Episode 137: Romantic Relationships, Part 1 · Life Lived Better

0:03
Hi, this is Paula. And I'm Joseph, and you're
0:05
listening to Life Lived Better. Hey everybody, welcome back to
0:12
the Life Live Better podcast. We're still your journey of self
0:15
discovery, well-being and personal growth.
0:17
We are so excited that you're here with us today.
0:20
Your support means so much to us.
0:22
And if you're new, welcome to the show.
0:24
Joseph, how are you doing? I am doing pretty good.
0:28
It has been a busy couple of weeks, which I know is not a
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surprise, but everything is going really well.
0:38
Just staying, staying busy with work and been doing lots of fun
0:42
stuff too. So that's been kind of nice.
0:44
And we have ACL coming up, which we're preparing for in a couple
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of weeks. So looking forward to that
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getting away for a couple of days.
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And yeah, everything's, everything's going pretty
0:55
smooth. How about you that?
0:57
Is great. So our out of state or out of
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country listeners may not know what ACL is.
1:02
Tell us about that. Oh, it's a festival and music
1:05
festival. That's they have in Austin,
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Austin city limits and it is over 2 weekends, different
1:11
bands, tons of different bands both weekends, like on a Friday,
1:15
Saturday, Sunday. So we usually go one of those
1:18
weekends and we pull our camper down and stay, stay there.
1:23
We go day or two early and then stay a day or two after and just
1:27
kind of enjoy Austin. There's so much fun stuff to do
1:30
there and so much food. Austin is the biggest foodie
1:33
town. Food trucks everywhere.
1:35
So we just kind of have a nice couple of days, leisurely days
1:40
and enjoy some great music, learn about great new artists
1:44
and I've I've discovered some new folks that I really, really
1:47
love every year that we've been. That is so cool and I know
1:51
they've become kind of like a a stand up comedy hotspot too.
1:55
Oh yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, I think since Joe Rogan
1:58
moved there, all the people kind of followed him and he opened up
2:01
the comedy club and so lots of new comics are coming out of
2:07
there. That area, now that's.
2:08
Cool, I'll have to check that. Out that is very cool and I'm
2:12
doing all right just rocking with school going on and you
2:16
know attended our professional conference recently got to kind
2:21
of reconnect with a bunch of people you know from the past
2:24
you know all the people that I've worked with throughout the
2:27
years are served on boards and that's always a lot of fun and
2:31
just gearing up for fall and going to get to visit my son for
2:35
my birthday and so looking forward to all those good things
2:38
yeah you. Do have a birthday coming up
2:42
real quick? I do is they're all milestones
2:46
because I'm still alive. That's right, that's right.
2:50
Have you started going backwards yet?
2:51
No, no, not quite. I just embrace it.
2:55
I embrace the grey, the silver, the age.
2:58
It is what it is. What can you do?
3:00
And in my pay grade, I'm not can't.
3:02
Do you know any cosmetic surgery?
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So you know well what's up for us today?
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What are we talking about? We are going to be wrapping up
3:13
our series on relationships. The next one we're talking about
3:19
the most, the complicated one is romantic relationships.
3:24
You know, they're often seen as like the ultimate connection,
3:28
the pinnacle of human bonding. They can also be very complex,
3:33
unpredictable and fueled with challenges.
3:37
So, you know, from our initial attraction to, you know, deep
3:42
study comfort of long term commitment, romantic love can
3:46
really take a lot of different forms.
3:49
And in this episode, we're going to be looking into the kind of
3:52
rich spectrum of romantic relationships.
3:54
We'll explore some of the highs, the lows, and kind of everything
3:58
in between, from passion, vulnerability, and growth to
4:02
really the tough conversations, misunderstandings, conflicts,
4:06
and maybe moments of doubt that are part of most relationships.
4:10
Whether you're navigating your own relationship or just curious
4:14
about the nature of love, we've got some great insight, some
4:17
great information, and maybe a few personal revelations along
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the way. So I hope everyone will grab
4:24
their headphones because we're about to explore what makes love
4:27
so uniquely beautiful and sometimes a little complicated.
4:31
I think one question can clients ask me frequently is like what
4:35
makes a healthy relationship? So let's kind of start on the
4:38
positive side and look at what actually does a positive and
4:44
healthy relationship look like. I think some of the basics or
4:48
respect, trust, open communication, you know, I think
4:53
in healthy relationships, we're safe to be who we really are.
4:56
We don't fear someone's going to judge us or control us.
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And I guess I would add to that, that in a healthy partnership,
5:04
it's not about being perfect, you know, like not progress, not
5:07
perfection. We've talked about this so many
5:09
times that conflicts happen. They just do in all
5:13
relationships. But the key difference in a
5:15
healthy 1 is how we handle them. You know, ask yourself, do we,
5:19
do we listen to each other? Do we try to understand instead
5:22
of just win the argument? I think a relationship is a lot
5:26
like teamwork, you know, healthy couples.
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We're not going to avoid the hard conversations.
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We just work them through and we try to be honest, empathetic
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that just being in the relationship isn't enough.
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We want it to be happy in our lives.
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We need the relationship to be happy and healthy.
5:42
Absolutely. And I always try to remember
5:44
when you're just trying to win, that means there has to be a
5:46
loser and nobody wants to be the loser.
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So it's not about winning or losing.
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Compromising, communicating, it's all very important.
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And conflict, it's just inevitable.
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If you're, you know, joining two people together and growing a
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life together, it's just going to happen.
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Seriously. And if you win all the
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relationships, do you really want to be in a relationship
6:08
with a loser? There you go.
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So let's take a look at some signs of a healthy romantic
6:15
relationship. And you know, remember that
6:18
these are reciprocal. So first up on our list is you
6:22
enjoy being with your partner, even if you love one another.
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Ask yourself if you enjoy being around your partner.
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Are they fun? Are they interesting?
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Do you genuinely like them? So just kind of some questions
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about, you know, sometimes we get kind of, I think complacent
6:38
and we just sometimes take for granted our partners after we've
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been together for a while and we maybe don't work as hard as we
6:46
should to keep the romance alive and have fun.
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So I think that's something that's really important in a
6:52
relationship. And I admit openly I have looked
6:55
for relationships before just to be in one, you know, like, no
6:59
matter not, not like, no matter who it's with.
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I don't mean it that way, but like, put up with stuff I
7:05
wouldn't want to really have. That's a great question.
7:08
Yeah. Another question we need to ask
7:11
is, do you feel supported? You know support is about
7:14
respect and respect is a foundation, characteristic and
7:18
healthy relationships. So ask yourself, do you believe
7:21
in your partner? Do you stand beside them through
7:24
the ups and downs? Do they stand beside you?
7:26
Do you support their dreams? Do they support yours?
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Yeah. And do you find yourself needing
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an immediate response because it's not a great thing?
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Are you able to remain calm when your partner doesn't text you
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back right away? Or do you immediately think the
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worst, like just start catastrophizing what's going on?
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And romantic relationships really require a lot of trust
7:50
and a lot of honesty. Trust and honesty provide us
7:53
with Peace of Mind. And if you find yourself kind of
7:57
what iffing a lot when they don't pick up the phone right
8:01
away or respond to your text immediately, you might be in an
8:03
unstable partnership. So when we have trust and
8:07
honesty we we don't have to guess our partners motives
8:10
because we can really believe their words and their actions.
8:13
Now this next one on the list I had to look at for a minute.
8:17
It's do our friends like our partners first?
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I was like, well, do our friends have to like our partners, you
8:23
know? But yeah, because our friends
8:26
give us honest feedback, you know, they tell us if we're in
8:29
situations that aren't good for us.
8:31
So our friends giving our partner a thumbs up is probably
8:34
a good thing. You know, our friends are kind
8:36
of protective of us. So when when they are positive
8:40
and like to be around our romantic partner, it's probably
8:43
because they see us healthy, you know, in a healthy relationship.
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And they don't, you know, they're not concerned with us
8:50
being in a bad one. Yeah, I mean, I think friends
8:53
are great about, especially in the beginning of relationships,
8:56
about helping you kind of see red flags and maybe you're not
8:59
noticing or things that, you know, maybe won't work out long
9:02
term. So I think it's really important
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that our friends see how they enter.
9:06
It's like, you know, they always say, like, see how your day
9:08
interacts with servers and, you know, people like in the service
9:13
industry and if they're nice or mean or, you know, that tells
9:17
you a lot about a person. And I think it's the same thing
9:19
with our friends and our family. Like they need to be on board.
9:22
I mean, Can you imagine if like your friends didn't want polo
9:26
around? Like they're like, oh, you know,
9:29
I mean, like that would be a real bummer on your interactions
9:33
and your social life. That would just.
9:35
That would not be good. Yeah, I think my friends would
9:38
probably prefer Polo or me. So disagreements are not
9:45
aggressive or nasty. So you're able to disagree and
9:48
it's normal and a healthy romantic relationship.
9:51
We can disagree without belittling one another or being
9:54
nasty to one another. So important.
9:56
Absolutely. And also in the relationships,
9:59
ask yourself, do you have fun? You know, we enjoy being
10:02
together and having fun. If we're in a healthy
10:05
relationship, we can kind of let down our guard with one another
10:08
and and engage in some comedy and humor with each other.
10:12
We've got common interests and it doesn't really matter what
10:15
we're doing. We just enjoy being together.
10:18
But we do have, you know, at least one leisure activity that
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we enjoy doing with our partner. You know that we have it in
10:25
common. That's a good thing.
10:27
Like, gosh, you're going to, I think if you're going to be
10:30
together, hopefully like the rest of your life, or at least
10:33
with longevity, I kind of want to be enjoying my life.
10:37
Definitely another one is no judgement, so we can be our most
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authentic selves. We can be open, we can be honest
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without the fear of being judged in a healthy relationship.
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And when we are judged, we don't feel safe.
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So we're not going to be likely to share things or have those
10:55
conversations. So really important to not be
10:57
judgmental. This I knew that this podcast
11:00
topic was going to get me thinking, Stirring up old
11:04
involvements. Yeah, I can already feel it
11:07
coming on in. In healthy relationships, we're
11:10
comfortable, you know, just being able to talk through the
11:14
tough subjects with our partner means that we've got this strong
11:17
foundation like that really pertains to the first date
11:21
through the 25th anniversary. You know, open communication
11:25
means talking and listening, and that is a priority in healthy
11:29
relationships, even when the topic is one of those not so
11:32
easy to talk about and kind of hard to hear.
11:36
Gratitude and talk about this a lot.
11:38
Strong and healthy couples care about the feelings of one
11:41
another and they understand that a partner deserves your very
11:46
best. And we have no problem
11:48
expressing your gratitude and saying thank you and that you
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appreciate them and things like that.
11:55
For, you know, any the big and the small things that they do on
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a on a daily basis. I think it's so incredible when
12:02
I hear people, you know, encouraging their partners or
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saying like that really, I really appreciated that or that
12:07
really meant a lot to me because it's just a nice thing to hear.
12:11
And it's also something that's going to kind of reiterate or
12:14
lead to the possibility of them continuing to do that thing,
12:17
right? Yeah, I think sometimes the
12:20
longer we're in relationships, we forget to do it like as much
12:24
as we did in the beginning, but I think it matters throughout.
12:27
Yeah, so let's talk a little bit about building connection and
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intimacy. So building a connection and
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intimacy within a romantic relationships is very, very
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important. Emotional intimacy, not sexual
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intimacy, keeps a romantic relationship strong.
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And this means we really feel understood and connected with
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our partner. Trust is deep, we feel safe to
12:50
be vulnerable and honest. Communication comes easily and
12:55
many couples lack this closeness.
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I agree. There's so many people I've
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talked to that will be like, no, I can't tell my partner that,
13:02
you know, like, I can't imagine my partner not knowing
13:05
everything that's going on in my life.
13:07
Yeah. And.
13:08
And one of the resources we used for this episode is the Gottman
13:12
Institute. This is a huge, a huge
13:15
institute. Like most counselors know about
13:18
this, especially if you see couples that the Gottman
13:22
Institute was founded by Doctor John Gottman and his wife,
13:25
Doctor Julie Schwartz Gottman. And they've been around for like
13:29
the institute's been around for like 50 years.
13:32
And it is like one of the premier research organizations
13:37
for research about couples training on relationships.
13:41
And I'll link their website in our show notes.
13:45
So many, so much information there for you to get.
13:48
We're just going over just a blint blip of it.
13:52
So we're going to walk through this list that they provide
13:55
about how we can create emotional intimacy.
13:58
And the first thing that they mention is use active listening.
14:03
You know, we've talked about this in so many of our episodes.
14:07
Active listening is not just hearing what people say to us.
14:11
It requires us focusing and being attentive.
14:14
You know, it means we're maintaining eye contact.
14:17
We're not having a lot of outside distractions.
14:20
So we're not looking at our phone trying to have a deep
14:22
conversation, you know, and we respond to the person
14:26
thoughtfully. That means we nod our head, we
14:29
repeat what we heard, we asked clarifying questions like, let
14:33
me understand if I'm hearing you right and say again what you
14:36
think they said. Those things are so important to
14:40
creating that emotional intimacy.
14:42
Like just look people in the eyes.
14:44
Look your partner in the eyes. Such a good one, vulnerability.
14:49
So again, vulnerability is part of the foundation and a healthy
14:53
connection. Vulnerability means we feel safe
14:56
and free of judgment to express like our deeper feelings that we
15:00
have. And this doesn't mean we force
15:03
deep conversation. It's about inviting them and
15:06
being open to having those conversations.
15:09
And the next one on their list is quality time, you know,
15:13
spending time together, doing activities together, like, you
15:16
know, taking a walk, just sitting together, watching
15:19
something on television, you know, cooking, you know, things
15:23
that require us to be there and present with one another.
15:27
Validation, this is this is a huge one.
15:29
I think I talk about validation a lot with clients because
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sometimes that's just all a person is looking for.
15:35
Most people really want to feel valued and validated.
15:38
In a healthy romantic relationship, it's easy to
15:41
affirm one another. So we can tell our partner we
15:44
appreciate them and we have an emotional trust with them.
15:48
We recognize their efforts, big or small, and we have no problem
15:51
expressing that to them. That is a big one.
15:54
I think about when like there's an argument in a relationship.
15:57
Sometimes we just try to defend ourself and explain why we did
16:01
what we did. And validation can show up by
16:04
saying something like, I, I hear what you're saying and I am so
16:07
sorry. You know, that happened.
16:09
I, I, I, I did make a mistake. I, I, sorry that hurt you.
16:14
And some people just feel like that takes too much of their
16:16
pride and ego away, you know, by doing that.
16:19
But that's sometimes that is, you're right, Sometimes that's
16:21
all people want to hear is just, I get this, I hear this, I see
16:25
this, I recognize it. Yeah, you can eliminate some
16:30
complicated conversation sometimes too by just saying
16:33
like, I hear you, I understand. And just years of resentment
16:36
too. Like I keep doing this thing.
16:38
I'm the one that washes the dishes every damn day and you
16:42
don't even notice. You come in and just, you know,
16:45
empty your bag out with all your lunch dishes, you know,
16:48
whatever. Like you don't notice my
16:51
efforts. That is so important.
16:53
And we did mention earlier that this is about emotional
16:57
intimacy, but physical affection is connection too.
17:00
You know, that is important to touch is incredibly powerful.
17:04
And when we're in healthy romantic relationships, we do,
17:08
you know, utilize physical affection to connect.
17:11
It's not the only thing and it's not only sexual.
17:15
You know what means we hug, we hold hands.
17:18
We, I remember you talk about when you and Polo watch TV, you
17:22
know, you always kind of touch each other, you know, and I
17:25
think that's amazing. That's like a it's just so
17:28
important. I think, you know, when we have
17:32
that emotion, I mean that physical connection, we released
17:36
that hormone called oxytocin. It's the same hormone that's
17:39
released when a mother has gives birth to their child and it's
17:44
associated with bonding and trust.
17:46
So little gestures like that can go a huge way in developing that
17:52
emotional closeness that we want with our partner.
17:54
Definitely. I think, I think it's important
17:57
to that Touching, holding hands, cuddling, things like that don't
18:01
always lead to sex because I know a lot of folks start to
18:05
avoid it sometimes because they know that it's leading to
18:09
something else instead of just like us just enjoying our time,
18:13
right. So I think it's important to
18:14
practice that, you know, on its own too.
18:18
Like a back rub can just be a back rub, right?
18:21
Exactly. So empathy is another one that's
18:27
really important. So you know it's important that
18:29
we practice empathy. This means we attempt to see
18:32
things through our partners eyes.
18:34
This is especially important when our emotions are running
18:36
high. So most of the time human beings
18:39
do not require solutions. More than that, we want someone
18:43
to listen to us without judgment and we're more likely to open up
18:47
to someone if we feel more connected when we believe they
18:50
hear us and accept us. And I think, you know, I, we've
18:55
definitely talked about this before, but I think it's really
18:57
important that if you're not sure what the person needs from
19:00
you that you just asked them like, are you looking for
19:02
solutions? Are you just looking for
19:03
somebody to listen to you? Because I can, you know, I can
19:06
offer either, but sometimes we quick to offer solutions when
19:10
people just need to be heard. And I think our world would be
19:13
so much more peaceful if we all took a minute instead of
19:17
fighting and pointing out what's wrong with someone else and
19:20
their opinion and their way of life, etcetera.
19:23
If we took a moment to imagine our life, our self living in
19:26
their shoes. The next is encouragement and
19:30
support. This is about being there for
19:33
our partner. You know, no matter what's
19:34
happening, we celebrate the times things are going well and
19:39
we're there with them whenever times are difficult.
19:41
And encouragement is not about fixing things either, you know,
19:45
It's about just being beside them, standing there, helping
19:48
them go on. And that in the end, that they
19:53
know we believe in them, that we're support them.
19:56
You know, teamwork. It's always about teamwork, no
19:59
matter what. And respecting their
20:02
independence. So healthy romantic
20:04
relationship. It doesn't mean we're together
20:07
24/7. Everyone needs space and in a
20:10
healthy relationship, we show our trust and respect to our
20:13
partners by accommodating them with time away from us.
20:17
For hobbies, for friendships, you know, things like that.
20:21
I'm a person that requires some alone time and that was
20:23
difficult for polo for a while because he is a 24/7 be together
20:28
kind of person. But I just need time to reset
20:31
from time to time. And it's not about him.
20:32
It's not about, you know, being unhappy or anything like that.
20:35
It's just part of who I am. And so I think it's really
20:39
important that if you, you know, if that's something that you
20:42
need, that you speak up about that because if you don't, it
20:45
leads to resentments and disconnection and it's just
20:49
easier to have the conversation. That is so true.
20:51
I told you I went to a professional conference
20:54
recently. I went to the city, I went to
20:56
San Antonio, and that's where both of my sisters live.
20:59
So I had the opportunity to spend the whole weekend with
21:01
them, and I laughed so hard with them that I couldn't breathe.
21:06
And I needed that so bad. And, you know, when you're away
21:09
and you're in a hotel, you get to, you know, eat out and do fun
21:13
things and not, you know, worry about the dishes or things like
21:17
that. And it's so nice to be away.
21:19
But whenever I started to head home, I couldn't wait to be at
21:22
home with my husband again, you know, just to be back to our
21:27
norm. And I think that little time
21:29
apart was wonderful for both of us.
21:32
So we need to talk now about disconnection, rebuilding.
21:37
If you're feeling disconnected right now in your current
21:40
romantic relationship, ask yourself, are you lacking this
21:44
emotional intimacy that we just talked about?
21:47
Because it can be rebuilt, It's a process and it's created by
21:52
small daily moments. You know, our effort and our
21:55
commitment to create this kind of connection really is required
21:59
equally from both people that are involved in the
22:01
relationship. So it's kind of talk about how
22:04
to create or recreate that. Well, we can begin by, you know,
22:08
being open about our feelings, openly sharing our needs, and
22:14
making and spending uninterrupted quality time
22:17
together. Like turning off your phones and
22:19
avoiding other distractions, engaging in healthy eye contact
22:23
with one another and trying to investigate the underlying cause
22:27
of the disconnection so you know, where, where is it coming
22:30
from? How do we repair it?
22:32
What does that look like? That is very good.
22:34
I love the turning off the phone.
22:36
I mean, how you can have, how you can have a serious
22:40
conversation with someone who's trying to text or look at social
22:43
media while you're talking about your marriage, you know?
22:46
Yeah, So how can we start talking about our feelings more?
22:51
That's such a big question. So let's walk through a few tips
22:55
so we can start sharing our feelings in our romantic
22:58
relationships a little easier. Remember, to make this an easier
23:02
process, we need to be mindful of our timing, our
23:05
communication, our techniques, and our personal growth.
23:09
You know, we have to grow as a human being too.
23:12
I found this pretty thoughtful list that marriage.com provided
23:16
it They, they listed like 15 actionable tips to understand
23:21
how to share feelings with someone that we love.
23:24
And the first thing they said is change our perception of
23:27
emotions. You know, emotions aren't good
23:29
or bad. We just have them and we have
23:32
them for a purpose. If they didn't have a purpose,
23:35
they wouldn't exist. You know, emotions aren't
23:37
tumors. We can't cut them out and stop
23:39
feeling them. You know, we can push them down,
23:42
but they're still there. We just need to learn how to
23:44
deal with them better and kind of just start seeing them as our
23:49
natural response to different situations.
23:51
It's even like a natural body response.
23:54
And the way we get started is by acknowledging that all emotions
23:58
are valid and it's true, you know, and we may not feel that
24:02
way instinctively, but we need to remind ourselves that.
24:05
So try to reframe that perspective of I shouldn't feel
24:08
this way to like this is how I feel.
24:11
And it's OK to feel this way. How we behave is different than
24:15
what we feel, but it's OK to feel it.
24:18
And then possible challenges and expressing feelings will come
24:23
up. You know, sometimes there's
24:24
difficulty in accepting emotions, but when we don't
24:28
accept them, that can lead to avoidance, repression.
24:31
And it may take time to shift that perspective.
24:34
But just keep doing it. Just keep reminding yourself,
24:37
I'm feeling this feeling and it's normal and it's OK.
24:40
And my partner feels feelings and their feelings are normal
24:43
and OK. So important.
24:45
So another one is to learn about yourself through your emotions.
24:49
So in order to better manage emotions, we need to ask
24:52
ourselves things like why do I feel this at this moment?
24:57
Was it a trick or what? What was the trigger and what's
25:00
at stake? Emotions hold the key to better
25:03
understanding ourselves and your values, your beliefs.
25:07
And when you're happy, your emotions are validated and when
25:10
you're upset, they are endangered and invalidated.
25:14
So one of the sources, Grady Shumway, says understanding your
25:17
emotion helps you gain insight into your triggers and values,
25:20
making communication your feelings with your partner
25:23
easier. And by reflecting on why you
25:26
feel a certain way, you become more self aware, can clearly
25:30
share your emotions. And the self-awareness reduces
25:33
the risk of miscommunication and strengthens emotional intimacy
25:37
in our relationships. It's easier to share your
25:40
feelings with your spouse when you already know what you're
25:42
sharing and understanding it. That's so incredibly important,
25:45
asking ourselves what we need before we launch into these
25:48
conversations. The risk seems lessened because
25:52
you're not verbalizing emotions for the first time in front of
25:56
them. So you've had time to kind of
25:58
process them and work through them before you, you know, try
26:01
to try to, you don't want to try to do that with them, right?
26:04
You want to have done some of that work ahead of time and
26:07
prepared for the conversation. So how to get started?
26:10
When you feel a strong emotion, take a pause and reflect on what
26:13
triggered it. Write down the feeling and
26:15
explore its root cause. And this will help you better
26:18
understand your emotions before sharing them.
26:21
Some possible challenges and expressing your feelings.
26:23
Emotions can be complex and confusing, making it hard to
26:27
pinpoint the exact trigger or what is at stake, which may
26:31
delay sharing or lead to miscommunication.
26:34
So taking the time to prepare for these and understanding
26:38
that, like you said, we can't change the emotion, but we can
26:42
change how we respond to it. So that's really, really
26:46
important. It totally is.
26:48
And the next one is use your words.
26:50
We tell kids that all the time. Stop.
26:53
Do it. You know, I have to hear your
26:54
words. You know, if you're trying to
26:57
learn to communicate your feelings or what's going on
27:00
inside you a little better, then you have to wonder how to talk
27:04
about your feelings, you know? So if you're trying to learn how
27:07
to communicate what's going on inside you a little more, you
27:11
have to learn to talk about your feelings.
27:13
We have to learn to articulate how it feels in order to easier
27:17
share our feelings. You know, when you feel more
27:21
confident and in control, you're more likely to share how you're
27:24
feeling. So maybe start just by
27:26
describing the feeling, you know, write it down if you need
27:30
to say it out loud, if that helps.
27:32
Whatever comes out is fine as you're learning and the more
27:35
that you do this the more proficient you'll become and
27:39
it'll take less time for you to start understanding how you're
27:42
feeling. Get one of those feelings wheels
27:44
or feelings charts that tells you the name of the feeling.
27:47
There are some that go in depth and describe the feeling.
27:51
Maybe you don't know and you know we don't.
27:54
There are whatever 200 feelings and the average person
27:58
understands and can ex and describe like 4 of them so it's
28:03
not abnormal. So just you'll have to is the
28:05
learning curve here. The way we get started is maybe
28:10
journal every day trying to track your feelings and then
28:13
learn how to say them out loud. If you find an emotion that's
28:18
especially hard for you to describe, go to that emotions
28:22
chart. Get some help on what the
28:24
emotion is and how you can express it.
28:26
And some challenges that might come up in in learning how to
28:29
express feelings as verbally expressing feelings can be
28:34
especially difficult is when you're not used to it and you
28:38
may be a little hesitant. You might fear that you're not
28:41
going to communicate it appropriately and that will
28:44
cause you to delay expressing it yourself.
28:46
I know when I've been trying to express a feeling that's hard
28:50
for me to even understand, I say a lot like, does that make
28:53
sense? I don't even know if I'm making
28:55
sense. I know I'm not describing it
28:56
right. You know, it's probably because
28:59
I'm uncomfortable with it all to begin with.
29:02
Yeah, that makes sense. So something else that's
29:04
important is accept your feelings as passing experiences.
29:08
So when you're learning how to express your feelings, you may
29:10
worry that you might say something that you can't take
29:13
back. And if this is one of your
29:15
concerns, remember that, you know, feelings change sometimes
29:19
in, you know, a second. So you can always rely on using
29:24
phrases like, you know, at this moment, that's how I feel.
29:28
It's not always like this, but now I feel as they can really.
29:32
This can really lift the weight of sharing from your shoulders.
29:37
Realizing emotions come and go can bring significant relief.
29:42
So this doesn't mean you shouldn't share your feelings.
29:45
On the contrary, it should make sharing easier because you know
29:48
that it's about the present moment and not let it color the
29:51
entire relationship or person. So I think that's one of those
29:55
things where it's important to talk about things as they come
29:57
up and as you've had time to process them and not what
30:00
holding on to them for weeks or months at a time.
30:04
So one way to get started is when you feel overwhelmed by
30:07
emotion, remind yourself it's temporary.
30:10
Use phrases like at this moment, I feel blank to make it clear
30:14
that this feeling isn't permanent.
30:17
Some challenges that you might face is it can be challenging to
30:21
detach from the intense emotions at that moment, especially when
30:25
they feel urgent or overwhelming, making it harder
30:28
to share thoughtfully. Just like so, so big that we
30:33
have to have this conversation right now in this moment instead
30:37
of like taking a step back, recognizing what the feeling is
30:41
and then kind of thinking about it for a minute before you jump
30:44
into that conversation. Yeah, and where we have these
30:46
conversations is so important. Gosh, you don't want to do it in
30:50
the middle of a, you know, dinner party or.
30:53
Something right? The next is to mind, time and
30:56
place, like I think I just mentioned.
30:58
I think I skipped ahead. When we Start learning how to
31:01
express our emotions in relationships, it's important to
31:04
keep in mind that we choose the right time and place to express
31:09
those with our partner. You know, we might feel
31:12
invalidated or like the emotion is wrong and it we might feel
31:17
like it can put the relationship in danger.
31:20
So when we want to share something with our partner, we
31:23
may have a hard time hearing that.
31:25
They may have a hard time hearing it.
31:26
So it's important to ask yourself, is this the right time
31:30
to talk about this, you know, or is it better to say, can we
31:36
commit to talking about this later at a better time, at a
31:39
safer space? You know, maybe when we get
31:41
home, when we're not tired, you know, something like that.
31:44
And this weekend when we've had a break, we get a break.
31:48
Otherwise, your partner might not really be in a space to
31:51
listen or to even hear the feedback.
31:54
And even if it's a constructive conversation that you want to
31:57
have, they may not be in the place to hear it.
32:00
So the way you want to get started on this is before
32:03
beginning any of these emotional conversations, ask yourself when
32:08
you ask your partner when would be a good time to talk about
32:11
this so you avoid jumping into a difficult conversation in the
32:16
middle of a stressful time and some possible challenges and
32:20
expressing these feelings and doing this would be finding the
32:24
right time. Of course, it can be tricky,
32:26
especially when you're both busy and you're both stressed a lot,
32:31
and that can lead to just avoiding the conversation
32:34
altogether. Think another pitfall is
32:37
sometimes when we're ready to talk, we want to do it right
32:39
then, no matter what, we've got to get it out.
32:42
Yeah, and that's not healthy. I think so many situations
32:46
conflicts could be avoided just by asking is this a good time to
32:50
talk and then paying attention to what they say and what their
32:52
body language says. Yeah, exactly.
32:55
And I think as the person hearing that, I know for me, if
32:58
someone says that to me, I'm like, tell me, tell me right
33:01
now. And I don't want to wait till a
33:02
different time. If anyone ever says like, can we
33:05
get together to have a conversation, I'm like, oh shit,
33:10
what is it? It's got to be horrible.
33:11
And it could not be horrible at all, you know?
33:14
But I'm just always like, Oh no, this is awful.
33:16
That something bad's about to happen.
33:17
Yeah, definitely have been guilty of that.
33:21
So another one is don't postpone for too long and you know, maybe
33:26
announce it casually. So once you have something to
33:29
share, don't wait too long to address it.
33:32
You know, give yourself time to think about it and process it,
33:34
but don't. Like I said a minute ago, don't
33:36
hold it for weeks on end. If you do, you could find
33:39
yourself really building it up in your mind and it will seem a
33:42
lot scarier and difficult to pronounce as time goes by.
33:47
So when you know what it is you want to share, don't put off
33:50
asking your partner what's the best time.
33:54
Avoid the we need to talk kind of dreadful statements.
33:59
Instead, maybe go for something more casual and effective like I
34:02
wanted to discuss. Share thoughts, feelings I had
34:06
about, you know, something, but I wanted to give you some time
34:08
to think about it. You know, things like that, like
34:11
let them know, hey, this isn't bad.
34:12
It's just a conversation we need to have.
34:15
Only postpone the conversations if you're extremely upset in
34:18
that state, you won't be able to articulate or control what you
34:21
share and you won't be ready to hear the other side.
34:24
So that's incredibly important when you're in the midst of that
34:27
emotion that you don't act on it.
34:30
You give yourself time to kind of process it.
34:32
So how do you get started? Choose a time and you feel calm,
34:36
but before the issue becomes more pressing, use casual
34:39
language to initiate the conversation.
34:42
Such as I've been thinking about something and I want to talk to
34:44
you about it. Try not to make scary statements
34:49
or, you know, statements that are going to, you know, lead to
34:51
that. I think naturally we tend to go
34:53
to that place of like, oh, what have I done?
34:56
So just trying to kind of, you know, mitigate that as much as
35:00
you can. Some challenges that you might
35:03
face expressing feelings. So delaying discussions can
35:06
build emotional tension, leading to really overthinking and
35:09
miscommunication. So it can also be unnecessary
35:12
stress when finally addressing the issue.
35:15
A lot of times, you know, if we hold on to these things for too
35:19
long, it really just becomes this big, huge issue in our in
35:23
our mind. And then when we discuss it,
35:25
it's kind of like, why did I get so worked up about that?
35:28
That really, you know, wasn't a big deal.
35:30
The kind of stress the other person is going to feel until
35:35
you get to have that conversation.
35:37
When you just say can we sit, you know, sit down on Saturday
35:41
for a couple of hours, you know, and talk about some things that
35:45
have been on my mind, that person can hold on to stress all
35:48
week thinking about that. I think it's good too, and this
35:52
is something I try to practice and also recommend is that you
35:55
have kind of a check in throughout the week.
35:57
Maybe, you know, you have dinner on Wednesday nights and that's a
36:00
time where you can kind of talk about anything good or bad, you
36:04
know, and different that might be going on.
36:06
Like it's a safe space and everybody knows, like there may
36:08
be some issues that could be brought up, but it's understood
36:12
that that's kind of a time and a place.
36:14
So I think that can be helpful sometimes, just having a kind of
36:17
a time where you just do that check in with one another.
36:21
Well, in doing that, and if you're honest and you keep
36:24
everything current, you're not storing up old stuff to need a
36:29
huge conversation about anyway. You know, it's not like I've
36:32
been feeling this way for months.
36:34
Wow, this was a lot of information.
36:37
I think it's important for us to remember that no relationship is
36:40
perfect. The goal is to create a bond
36:43
where both people feel safe, valued, and supportive.
36:46
And if you find yourself struggling, you know, small
36:49
intentional steps like just listening more openly, setting
36:53
these healthy boundaries that we talk about in every episode that
36:56
we talk about can make a huge difference.
37:00
And we realize that this is so much information.
37:03
This will be a two-part episode. Yes.
37:06
So we welcome you to come back and finish up this great topic
37:11
in two weeks and I hope everybody has enjoyed this
37:15
information. I think it is a lot of great
37:17
information and relationships are such a huge part of our live
37:21
romantic relationships. And so it's always great to, in
37:25
my opinion, learn and educate and just kind of look at ways
37:29
that we can improve whether we're in one or not.
37:31
Like it's good information. So we hope that you've enjoyed
37:35
this episode. We hope that you'll come back
37:37
and join us in a couple of weeks.
37:39
And we hope you all have a great day.
37:42
Thanks for joining us. And as always, don't forget that
37:44
knowledge leads to a life Live Better.
37:51
Thank you for listening to Life Live Better with Paula and
37:53
Joseph. Yay.
37:58
Thank you for listening to the Life Live Better Podcast.
38:00
Please subscribe, rate, review and share our show with others
38:03
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38:04
You can also find us on most social media platforms and our
38:07
website, lifelivebetter.net. This episode was written by
38:11
Paula Garland, edited by Joseph Massey, and recorded on Spotify.
38:15
Information used in this episode and other content data can be
38:18
found in our show notes. We look forward to seeing you
38:20
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