Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Fernando Moraño -Hijo Universo

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Fernando Moraño -Hijo Universo · Comedy Central Stand-Up

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S Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, Friends. Well, you' re
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quite right, but we' re not here to discuss this. Good for
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those of you who know me about previous monologues in central comics, well.
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I made a monologue about 15 meters. He disappeared 15 meters and showed up
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We can do it. I made a monologue about the Palmar de Troya and
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the Palmar de Troya is beginning to disappear. I made a monologue about hope
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ire and only resigned bad luck. Now I' m going to make a
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monologue about the universe, so, if the apocalypse comes, I' ve
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been worth it I don' t make you bieis, no, because that
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' s what he was telling me. Guys, let' s talk about
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this. I have been pursuing the political class, the bankers, the parish
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priests for many years, pursuing the economic and social system that destroys us.
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But I have discovered that this is the path of hatred, that I do
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not want to be a slave to hatred, because there is a system above
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that which has been destroying us for millions of years, which is the Solar
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system. I openly declare myself an anti- solar system. Why do I
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have to accept arbitrary laws like the law of gravity, which I have not
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voted for. Hey, rooms in here tonight, your back hurts because of
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that damn law and you friends who hang your breasts. I' m with
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you, I' m sorry, but we' re going to repeal the
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law of gravity and we can fuck seriously. Zero you imagine, they give
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you a dick and they bring you home. It' s wonderful. That
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' s the one I really mean not. The other day I was seeing
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the Universe, because it' s watching it. I can afford it.
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I don' t have a terrace and I smoke joints. That section is
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something I can do. Not that you look at the universe and it'
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s how it' s gonna make me feel insignificant about a nigger, that
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is, it' s something that happens. Uh, and I' m
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staring at the universe. I mean, my mother, if this is manga
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per shoulder, one star, here the other, since there is no criterion.
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You know you say that stars change color, that there' s a
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little museum in the background, like Christmas decorations, you fucking see a joy.
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But that' s a mess, I mean. But now there are
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people who claim that that makes sense. Not, for example, astronomers and
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astrologers. It is necessary to differentiate astronomer from astrologer, for example, astronomy
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studies the physionomy of the Universe. Okay astronomer was, for example, Galileo.
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Galilei knew that he said that the earth was round and that it revolved
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around the sun through its gravitational fields. And everyone knows that' s a
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lie. What drives the world is insex money and drugs. I mean,
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Galileo, you don' t know no and an astrologer, because they would
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be Rappel and Sandro Rey and those other millenarian cockatoos who are dedicated to stealing
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from the illiterates of this country. Okay That' s the difference. Mainly,
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the first astrologers in history were Arabs, so we live under the aesthetic
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dictatorship of Isis, which tells you that right there in the North Star and
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its eggs that is the North Star. I want to choose I' m
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making a change org so that the North Star is the South Star that catches
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me closer to home. What' s up, I can' t,
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I can' t. The direct heirs of the first Arab astronomers and astrologers
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are the hippies of rural houses, those who catch you by band and tell
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you sometimes from there. That' s what hassiopeado Ves, which has the
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form of Cassiopeia, and that' s Andromeda, which has the shape of
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Andromeda Ves and that' s the frying pan and the cart over there.
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We also call it the big bear and the little bear. I say asshole,
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you don' t even know the way it is and you go into
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age details, you know what you' re telling me. I can play
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that, too. I can also create my own cosmogony. I can create
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my own universe. We have to put together the dots. It' s
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very simple. I' ll take the stars. So, another, over
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here, another, over here, another, over here the dick of uranus.
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I did it with my hands. The problem is that we are enduring
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that aesthetic dictatorship of the universe and, in addition, we are enduring the
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moral dictatorship of the universe that forces us to be one way or another.
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According to our horoscope sign, by which if you are an aquarium, you
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are creative and empathetic and you fuck, even if you are working in an
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assembly chain and are discovering you in the face, you are creative and impact.
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And that' s how it ended. It' s eyeball with those
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horoscope geeks. Those people you' re at the disco and they' re
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coming up to you like hello. What do I know? You' re
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not even the name. Not even the name I am. I' m
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an aquarium, ah, it' s an aquarium, oh, how strong.
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I' m Gemini. We' re super compatible. Let' s
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fuck come on anyway. If you have a veneer, you know, blow
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the stars protect him. You know that? Is that so? Is that
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so? It' s like human stupidity travels through the universe as it climbs
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into the orion cart. You know it' s practically not then. The
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theme of horoscopes. The theme of horoscopes. Personally, I have begun to
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reinterpret it, because I too can create my own horoscope and I have the
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final one. I know what each person is like according to what he asks
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for from a lid horoscope bar, who from here is anchovy raise your hand
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those who are anchovy that is anchoite, good people, the anchovies. Very
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salty, very salty. But in the internal forum, a bunch of shit.
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Hey, famous things. Hey, someone who' s potato, brava,
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potato, brava, I love potato brava, simple people, people who
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go face- to- face, uh, people who are willing to share
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always, but if you don' t throw sauce at three- paired insuls.
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Someone who' s San Gwin, seen this bloodthirsty, seen, no,
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man you can see in your eyes. Hey, the Sangwin, you
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see, he' s a guy who combines you with everything, with coke,
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with coffee, with the cubata in the morning in the afternoon. When
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you don' t feel like being with a sangir seen at any time,
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but then they give it to you with cheese very carefully with them. Hey,
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object. I' m octopus. You know how we are octopus,
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not cartilageous, tender, but our hand goes. What are the differences between
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an octopus and me, because I don' t have to be a sucker
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to cook me You see, I go just for that, friends, we
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live in deception and we live in panic. We' re scared, we
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' re scared all the time. We' re afraid the end will come.
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We' re afraid extraterrestrials will come to destroy us. And they came,
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but they said pussy. If they go alone you know they don'
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t need to. We' re not obsessed. They don' t say
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there' s smart life out there There' s smart life in here.
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This is what worries me. I don' t give a shit about intelligence,
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man. I' d like you to be dumber than us, that
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is, to come out Minister of Defense and say well, we' ve
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had an extraterrestrial contact and the truth is that aliens have let us down deeply.
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They' re moronic, but I mean, they' re waving at
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you like that. That' s why lake is and we champions, champions
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that roll. You understand that stuff mainly not, but of course I don
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' t give a shit about that extraterrestrial The titles that have the master'
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s degrees as smart as they are. What worries me is less I can
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fuck because I' m tired of being bisexual. I want to try new
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formulas. You know seven tits, five dicks in the shoulder. A bifido
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bear asshole is having weird sons like Zapatero' s daughters. You know kids
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with two heads. That' s good, you have to feed two mouths,
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but it' s a stomach. Alone. You know, at most
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you spend it on salt caps What I want to say to you is that
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a Martian world wants to go to a puti clú and that there are Vulcan
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sluts, you know, and that they' re there Imanol arias and haganovee
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cutting ham with a sword. Laser there that looks like churruscadito. You know,
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that' s my extraterrestrial fantasy. That' s what I want to
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the awesome. We' re not afraid of space in general, but it
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' s our fourth, because you know, you know that the planet can
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destroy us, uh, because we' re afraid that tectonic plates, when
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they rub, don' t make love. You know, we' re
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afraid of earthquakes and we' re afraid of tidal waves, that I don
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' t understand that tidal waves kill a lot of people whatever you want,
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but what movies we do, my mother, at last they ate it with
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the servians, things how they are, I' ve seen the impossible.
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They' re going to do the second part is going to be called the
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next and the third part I' m going to sweep because I don'
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t see the shit that leaves the movie. That' s the one you
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signed up for. Not that. We' re scared, guys, we
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' re completely freaked out. We are afraid that machines, this is incredible,
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that machines develop superior artificial intelligence and are smarter than us. Don'
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t worry about me. They can never be just as stupid as we are.
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We' ll always beat them there, unless the machines do stupid things.
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Medium machines are normal, that is, I know chairs you roll with
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pedals. That' s what I' m for, what do I know?
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Yo, what do I know? That' s why? Friends,
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as we are afraid of all this. It seems that on Earth we have
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designed a plan for when we destroy the planet, because we are going to
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destroy it, because we have to keep selling motorcycles, which is a shame,
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because the planet is fine, has WiFi and the weather is good,
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but you see that it is not good enough for us. So what we
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' ve said is that we' re going to Mars, that since there
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' s no one is ours, that' s how you occupy the universe.
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No, then we' re going to Mars, we' re going
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to Mars, and that' s what we' ve decided. But I
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don' t want us to be prepared. I don' t see what
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you guys consider. I don' t think we' re ready to go
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to Mars. Notice that NASA sent a crew there and they came in and
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said this is the atmosphere that' s inspiring. Oh, I don'
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t even know what Kim means to smoke or we' ll learn to breathe.
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That' s true. It' s just that we' re obsessed
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with oxygen. We have an addiction because we' re addicted to oxygen,
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like everybody else does. It' s free, so am I, uh,
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and come breathe like no one else' s. Eh now if we
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' re not going to Mars anywhere. The other day, my grandfather was
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in the hospital with the mask swelling up. Uh, well, I took
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the mask off one of those muddy ways and I' m grandma if you
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' re not gonna get over it. That' s right, that'
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s right. What vice do the truth hide from us? Guys, are
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you hiding the truth from us? There' s life on Mars. That
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' s something you' ve never been told, but that I know when
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Mars arrived, they found in a crater of Mars a woman from Cuenca attached
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to the crater, dressed in the garter singing the jack of the universe,
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which says so and this is the jack of the universe. He sang it
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to you in prose. There in verse and you' re the jack jack
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of the cosmos for what we were and what you' re about, and
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you' re the jack jack of that turn Marta and pluton, which used
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to be a planet and now it' s all a jerk. The amazing.
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The amazing thing is this really happened. The lady was glued to the
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crater and the astronate was floating in gravity h the son of the So how
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can it be that you do not affect the gravity son, already man,
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the tradition that weighs a lot hahaja. Thanks, let' s do the
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octopus a little good, folks. In any case, in any case,
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there is hope. Okay, don' t lose faith because there' s
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hope. They say three billion light years from here, because space travels in
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light year. Don' t tell me because uh, I think it'
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s because it' s very repetitive that I' ve seen a piece of
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the universe. Seen all that means, the Universe is like Murcia. Not
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that you appreciate the tunnel. You know we can say that the Universe is
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a Murcia gif. Hey, we can say something like that. No.
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Then the journey of anger is in light year that the light year, because
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you already know that you can not travel at the speed of light with a
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photo of your children that says Dad do not run. It' s very
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difficult and you can' t get ahead of the light because you can'
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t put the flashers on it. But the one- way trip is in
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light year and the one back is in shadow year. It' s clear
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no, that' s a year in prison that' s said to be
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a shadow is a year in prison, the prison that' s a black
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hole. Why. Because there are temporary space phases, space is reduced and
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time becomes longer, unless it is barcenas then you get out earlier. It
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' s a little how it works. Not so, three billion light years
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away, boys, there' s a galaxy called Alpha Centauri, which has
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three soles ole and your sea cock three soles. There' s the batium
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on the floor You know the electrics There' s no way they do business.
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You say I' m going to sunbathe and say what an hour of
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sun on an Alfa Centauri beach, uh, three alone at beach time.
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That' s a dog year. At least it' s cool. Plus,
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all Afters, all Afters to three suns. Of course, the Valencians
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go there head- on. You know, they love that. I love
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it, because that' s what I' m telling you. Alpha,
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Centauri Alpha comes from the Latin Alpha and Centauri comes from the Latin of a
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hundred Toritos. What it means is that three billion light years from here there
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are St Fermines, so there is wine, so there is life. Hey,
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so just relax. Hey, there' s a lot of people worried,
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very concerned about the origin of the universe, who was a creator,
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it was a big band. I don' t give a shit. The
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origin of the mega universe blows. What concerns me is the origin of citizens.
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Hey, that' s what I' m worried about. To see
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the truth, honestly good. We' re talking origins. I' m
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going to talk about mine It' s worth me several years ago before I
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was funny, about ten years ago I devoted a lot of time from my
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life to the noble art of work and I was working in Barcelona. I
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' ve been in Madrid for ten years. I got to Madrid, I
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flipped, I asked for a cane. I can' t say. He
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asks me for a cane and they put me on a dish with shrimp.
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I don' t fuck around. I have not asked for this effect,
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in Barcelona, at most they put you a napkin za. They tell me
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no, it' s not free, I don' t fuck. I
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called Catalonia. I' m telling you, it' s true that they
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steal our money and spend it on prawns, motherfuckers. Of course, well,
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this is an anecdote that happened to me. It' s really why
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I left my previous job It' s worth something that really happened. At
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that time I worked in customs, import and export of goods. And one
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day he calls my boss and tells me that our most important client, an
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Argentine gentleman, brings his dog worth on a plane and I have to go
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and greet the dog with honors, with the municipal orchestra and two Basques dancing
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him. The aurresque is worth it I' m serious I' m telling
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you, it' s totally true. At that moment I am ready to
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get to where the dog is and I see that the dog has arrived,
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but that does not participate in its existence what they call it in the world
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of aviation to arrive in plan Kennedy goes for the others. Come on,
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the dog' s dead. Or Vito' s worth caputo and calls my
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boss I say Albert, albert A dos is mort in Castellano. Alberto Alberto,
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the dog has died something my boss tells me can' t be me.
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I go near the dog and I apologize, but my boss says this
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isn' t going. The dead dog. He didn' t answer me
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straight alive. I wasn' t going to understand myself either Alberto or this
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dog has a very serious empathy problem. Or he' s dead and my
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boss tells me do what you have to do. I say very well,
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I' ll throw the dance of life around the box and the dog will
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be resurrected. I' m sorry, but I can' t do anything.
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I mean, look, I give you 24 hours, and I,
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uh, well, I don' t care if you give me a week.
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There' s nothing to do. He tells me to give you six
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hundred euros. I' m good there. We started talking. Then at
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that moment I went to what is the State Security Corps in Customs to the
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customs police I go near them and I say sorry you will not have a
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German pastor of these that you have that suits you very well with the ka
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here. Hey, that he' s been fooled about smelling dope, that
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doesn' t distinguish MDMA from Hachis anymore, that already for a total thing
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that the guy tells me please get out of here immediately. I don'
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t know what the hell you think this is I totally get out of there
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saying maemia. I' m totally messing with it. No, and on
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the way out to a partner, a co- driver, he comes up
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and tells me what you want a dog. This is Spain, guys,
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uh, I mean yes, yes, yes, I' m totally interested
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I get money destined to blackmail officials uy bad. I' m telling you
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this, maybe I' m in trouble It' s easy. They gave
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me money to blackmail officials, but I did what made my clients steal to
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keep the money from blackmail, which we now call the People' s Party.
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It' s okay for you to understand me to see I' m
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the germ of all that. It has been me, it has been me,
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it is worth forgiving, done, thank you, for total forgiveness,
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because at that moment we took out a dog, a German shepherd who perhaps
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were not identical because I did not measure the armhole of the dead dog either
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I could not or perhaps. This one was from Cologne and the other one
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was from Berlin. Whatever' s not total, I take out the dead
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dog and shove the dog alive, because if you leave it inside, the
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same thing will throw it away. That' s necrophophilia. It' s
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not even on the Internet. You know, it' s totally complicated that
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the dead dog gets dumped in a trash can. I give you a dignified
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burial that you already wanted, the victim of Francoism. Hey, thanks,
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you' d like it and I' ll leave the dog alive It'
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s okay here, it' s strong. The next day the client comes
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and I, saying look I' m a crack, doesn' t reach
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the client and gets close to the box. And when he approaches the dog
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' s box, the dog starts barking. I' m telling you,
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another Argentine with surprise cocaine. But when he gets to the box, the
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man reaches his hand around his heavy neck and starts screaming, screaming and angry.
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But what did the dog come dead, quiet, be at bust pace
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a prefererate. I know it' s hard? I know it' s
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hard. The man had brought his dead dog from Argentina to bury him in
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the garden of his house. So far everything normal doesn' t know what
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' s going on, that it' s illegal for a dead dog to
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travel if it' s not for food and this isn' t China,
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or it' s for tashidermia and a German pastor and to be careful of
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the dining room, that is, but some asshole like me, for a
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little bit more money, skipped the laws for that dog to travel. And
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then I, for a little more money, skipped the laws to get that
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dog out. And this, my friends, is a metaphor for capitalism.
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Thank you very much. And finally, as the Great Peter Reyes said,
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the universe is infinite, but a little narrow. Thank you very much and
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good night.