Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 34, Season 1: Accountability

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Episode 34, Season 1: Accountability · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dug Podcast. I'm your co host Rainer,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: but you're here with our host, doctor Sarah Hnsley.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Hi. Hi, Happy New Year, Happy New Year.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: The first full official week of twenty twenty five. Christ
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: this week, it is crazy. Time just goes by so fast.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: When you're an adult, It's like the time just speeds up.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: I feel like every year it's my life gets quicker
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: and kicker and quicker. And I never understood it as
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: a child because I remember my parents saying it, and
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I was like, whatever, time goes by so slow.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Here we are, here we are.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: But twenty twenty five, thrive. Let's thrive in twenty twenty five.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, so it's going to be a good year.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a great year.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: That's I mean. You just have to set your intention.
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, because where your attention goes, your energy flows.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: You have to set your intention.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: I fully fundamentally believe that God designed us to have
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: the law of attraction in place, like it's just a
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: fundamental law of God's universe. Right, of course, I think
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: everything has to be inside of his will. But I
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: think if it's inside of his will and you want it,
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: if you believe it and feel it.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: It will come to you.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: I agree. And speaking things into existence.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Is speaking things into life. Speak life. Oh that's one
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: of my key phrases. Speak life. Now, we're going to
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: speak life over that, but we're not going to speak death.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Thrive. In twenty twenty five, we.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: Would like to thank our official sponsor of the Love
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  Speaker 1: They are all right. Thank you Cozy Earth so much
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: and we want you to thrive in twenty twenty five.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: And so we're going to start with the topic of
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: this podcast, episode thirty four, which is accountability.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: Which is the best thing you can do for yourself
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: and your relationship is to be accountable. And I find
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: that if you narrow down all relationship problems, they all
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: can be narrowed down to a lack of accountability because
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: most things in a relationship can be repaired through accountability.
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: Because accountability is both a statement and an action.
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  Speaker 1: Yep.
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  Speaker 3: It says yes I did this thing or yes I
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: said this thing, and I'm recognizing it had a hurtful
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: impact on you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you,
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: and now I'm going to make the changes I need
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: to make to not do that again and to do
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: something different. That is what accountability is. It's both statement
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: of acknowledgment as well as an action towards change.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: This is something that working on currently with my child.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: But in the midst of relationships are romantic relationships specifically,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: why do you think that why is it so hard
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: for some people to take accountability? Shame?
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: Shame criticism is never easy. Being told you've done something wrong,
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: or being told you're not doing something right, whichever way
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: you want to look at it, or you're not doing
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: something enough, or you're doing something too little.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: Whatever.
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: Feedback that you're somehow getting it wrong for your partner
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: is tough for anybody to take. Nobody likes hearing that
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: they've made a mistake. And I think there's this whole
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: giant issue that for some people, and I will say
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: specific attachment styles being the fearful, leaning, dismissive, and the
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: true dismissive, avoidant, especially if they don't understand a need,
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: they're not going to meet it. Or if you can't
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: make a good case as to why this need should
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: be met, they're not going to meet it. Or if
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: something hurt you but it wouldn't hurt them, then they're
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: not going to be sorry for it and take accountability
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: for it. And it's just such a destruction destructive, excuse me,
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: and dysfunctional way of operating inside of your relationship. Love
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: is somewhat sacrificial. It's not totally and wholly sacrificial to
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: the point where we completely self abandon ourselves right and
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: we never stand up for our needs.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: But it is sacrificial.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: In the way that we choose to love people in
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: the way that they want to be loved, not in
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: the way we want to be loved, where our job
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: is to express to them how we want to be loved,
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: and then our job is also to understand how they
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: want to be loved and love them in that way.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I think that's the disconnect with just the human race
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: to an extent, is that we don't really consider I mean,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: let's be honest, humans are fairly self absorbed. Just na surely,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: and so it's kind of just nature to be like, well,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: this is how I want to be loved, and not
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: really ever think about wait, right, but how does my
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: partner want to be? Right? It could be completely different
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: than it could be going to be.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Loved, completely different.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: And yes, things like love languages matter, but love languages
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: really filtered down to the broader constructive attachment right right
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: there as a specificity within attachment. They're not an explanation
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: of how to love your partner. They're just one piece
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: of the puzzle.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: But they do matter. And so.
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: For a lot of the insecure styles on the avoidance
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: side of the spectrum for sure, and some only a
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: little bit on the anxious, we take our blueprint, our
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: paradigm from our attachment style and we try to apply
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: it to our partner. Right, So let's just take the
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: fearful avoidant for example. The fearful avoidant wants desperately to
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: be seen, heard, and understood to the point where one
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: can they expect you to read their mind and then
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: always make the right moves right based on that mind reading. Right,
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: and they think to themselves, it's not really mind reading.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: You should just know me that well, right, right, and
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: so if you know me deep enough, then you should
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: be able to guess my everyone need and then just
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: meet it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: If I have to ask, it doesn't count.
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  Speaker 3: I think that's one of the most destructive destructive things
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  Speaker 3: I've ever heard, is like, well, if I had to ask,
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: it doesn't count. Oh, come on, nobody is like you perfectly.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Well, and secure people know how to ask.
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: They know how to ask in a non critical way.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: You know what would feel really good to me?
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  Speaker 2: You know what I really love is this thing? What
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: do you think about it? Can we do that? That's
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  Speaker 2: how a secure person approaches it. They're not like, well,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: you should just know you know, and.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: I want this, and I can't believe that you didn't
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  Speaker 1: know that prior to me to saying that I would
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: be unrejo.
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: This was honestly, you know, we used to have a
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: friend she showered main nameless that I'm no longer friends
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: with because she was super, super unhealthy and she was
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: using me for just advice about her relationships over and
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: over again. Never contributed to the friendship other than I
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: was basically her personal coach and it didn't feel like
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: friendship anymore. And one of the things that she's like,
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: I don't even want to say what I think is
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: really going on with her. But one of the fights
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: she got in with her partner was about like he
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: didn't get her flowers for Valentine's Day and he had
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: planned like a date, but like didn't get her flowers.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: And she was just floored over that, like couldn't believe.
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  Speaker 3: And I was like, I felt like that is a
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: little bit of expecting mind reading. Like he planned a date,
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: he planned something, it seems yeah, and she just was floored,
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  Speaker 3: And I'm like, that's a real fa trait, like expecting
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: that level of mind reading, especially when you're just getting
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: to know each other, right, Right, It's not like you've
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: been with this guy for a five years and he
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: knows you love flowers, Right then maybe you have the
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: right to be like, you know, a little bit bummed
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: out about that, right and so fearful of wouldn't want
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: this level of mind reading. And if they don't get
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: what they want, then they get really upset and feel betrayed,
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: and then they can do what they do, which is
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: get mad, all right, get upset, and either tell you
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: about it or not tell you about it, depending upon
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: what state they're in.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: And then their accountability in that.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Is really low. Yeah right, that's what I'm.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Gonna ask out of all the attachment styles, who struggles
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: the most with accountability?
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: For sure, the dismissive avoiding, Yeah, but fearful or definitely
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: second in line, at least fearfuls. They have high levels
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: of emotional intelligence, usually if they're not super super super
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: super dismissive. Like there's some that are just like on
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: that border between fearful and dismissive. They're like a fearful
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: that leans really dismissive, and that man, that's the hardest
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: attachment style. Yeah, it's the worst, the worst because they
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: struggle the most with accountability, but also have high emotional reactivity.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Right, That's what I was gonna say. And they're super reactive.
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: Right, So you have somebody who's highly reactive, meaning they're
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: gonna get defensive, they're gonna blame shift, they're gonna turn
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: it around on you, and.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: Then they're gonna yeah.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: They're gonna literally vomit diarrhea of the mouth onto you
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: and be super mean and then just be like, sorry,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: I don't want to have anything to do with you.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, By the conversations.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Oh that's so hurtful.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: It is, it's awful, and.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: So so many people though, cannot take accountability. And I
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: think I said it last episode, but the mental gymnastics
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: that people will do to avoid taking accountability is honestly insane.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: Like I know, with my ex, there was concrete evidence
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: that he was cheating on me, and he still couldn't
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: admit he was cheating on me.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Somehow it was always my fault and somehow.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: It was always my fault, right, and then but there
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: were still never even the accountability that they cheated. Right,
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: It was like, not only did I not cheat, but
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: you're a terrible partner.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: When I'm like, what.
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: Are these messages from this other woman?
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Right? Right, it's very obvious that something is going off.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: Mean just the ability to blame shift, I'd say defensiveness
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: and blame shifting.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: So defensiveness is giving.
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: You a reason why someone shouldn't feel that way, We
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: shouldn't feel this way because and a lot of what's
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: in defensiveness is a focus on intention over impact. Why
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: didn't mean to be hurt, so you shouldn't be hurt. No,
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: the impact you had was hurtful, because of the person
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: that I am, and loving me means understanding that person
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: and not being hurtful, right, And if you can't understand
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: me at that level, then you need to at least
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: repair it when it happens, right, and then make mental
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: note for the future. That's really not asking for mind reading.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: That's just saying, hey, this particular thing hurtful. That's being
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: willing to understand someone.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Really, I mean at the basic it's just human decency.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: It's human decency.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: But and it's so freeing once you learn to do it,
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: it's so freeing.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: It just feels like, oh okay.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: Because what you're essentially doing is you're having to create
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: and sustain this big lie. To avoid accountability. You have
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: to somehow sidestep the truth, or at least someone's perceived truth,
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: and not everyone's perception is accurate. Yes, your partner might
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: get mad about things that they shouldn't get mad about,
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: but then you have to be willing to be like, Okay,
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: I want to know why this impacted you in that way.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Maybe it was because they misperceived their intention, Well, then
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: that can be worked out. But maybe it was just
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: because they don't like to be treated that way, or
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: talked to that way, or that thing you did make
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: to them feel uncomfortable. And so what I say to
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: people is, if your partner is asking you to somehow
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: grossly violate your boundaries by loving them in a certain way,
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: then you're in the wrong relationship.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: But if not, yeah, that's not what we're saying here.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Sure, right, it's not like your partner's like, well, you
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: need to go dance naked in the street, or you
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: don't love me, okay, then clearly you're in the wrong relationship.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: But if your partner's just like, hey, I would like
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: to use a softer tone with me, you should not
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: have a problem with that. You shouldn't have to be like,
• 14:16
  Speaker 3: why do I change my tone? Why do I have
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: to walk on eggshells?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: It's not walking on eggshells. It's growing as.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: A person, exactly.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: It's becoming more mindful of who you are and how you.
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: Speak and what you signed up for when you got married,
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: which was a partnership. Which partnership, Well, I mean it's
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: a reflection, right, your partner is a reflection of what
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: you are supposed to grow into. Right, in terms of
• 14:41
  Speaker 4: what they want to if they're saying in a compassionate way,
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: like pay like I want more of this from you,
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: or I want more of this like or I see
• 14:49
  Speaker 4: this about you that maybe could use some.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: Work, you know, and I and I know, I know
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: everybody has the luxury of having really good communication, but
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: Josh and I have really good communications where he has
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: been able to say things to me that I maybe
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: would not have always been so receptive to coming from
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: other people. But I have this level of honor and
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: respect for Josh where I know that he has my
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: best interest in mind as a person and he wants
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: me to be the best I can possibly.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Be and the best interests for your relationship.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: And so when he's been able to say, hey, you,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: you know you do this thing that is whatever, I
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: really try to sit back, and I might get a
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: little sassy, you know, at first, but I I mean
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: then I eventually say, you know what, You're right? I do.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I do sometimes I do that. Sometimes I have a tone,
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: like an aggressive tone. And I used to the thing
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: about my aggressive tone is I used to say, I
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: used to make the excuse that I'm just passionate.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: Oh I hear that at least twenty times a day
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: I'm just PASSI I'm just really passionate, and I just
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: get I just get really like.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: You know, I get a little.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: I'm just really passionate, just really care, and I'm like, Okay,
• 16:04
  Speaker 3: you can really care and also learn to create safety
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: in your nervous system to where you're mindful of the
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: tone of your voice.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: And that's the thing, Like, in hindsight, now that I
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: know what, I know, my passion was just a dysregulated
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: nervous system. Sure, that's it.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: You can be passionate while still being respectful and kind
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: and gentle and calm. You can say, hey, this really
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: matters a lot to me. That's being passionate. Hey, I
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: really care about this issue between us. That's passionate. Hey
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: I really want to work this out because I really
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: love you. That's passionate. You don't have to raise your voice.
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: You're only raising your voice because you want to be heard,
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: and you are just regulated and trying to get that
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: need met.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or be real animated animated.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And so again using that word, I'm just really passionate.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: That's a way to skirt accountability, right, It's a way
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: to skirt thinking I've done something wrong, and it really
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: is shame. It's shame is at the root of lack
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: of accountability, and shame is so deeply rooted in the
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: self concept of the insecurely attached person. It's so deeply
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: rooted into their self concept. And again, self concept is
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: the answer to the question, who am I? I'm shameful?
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: And so when someone points out to you what you've
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: done wrong, what does it do? It just says I'm shameful.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: And so then people can't stand the feeling of shame,
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: and so they deflect and defend against it.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: So what's the answer in getting past it?
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: I mean, you have to do some deshaming work, and
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: you have to learn to develop that deep sense of
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: felt safety in the nervous system. And there's specific tools
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: and strategies that we use to do that. You have
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: to learn the mindset shifts.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Right, so.
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: Instead of being like, gosh, they're being so critical and
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: they're being socked, they're attacking me being willing to challenge
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: that thought and being like, am I really being attacked here?
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: Or are they just pressing a need? Are they just trying
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: to talk about something that hurts them?
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: That's rational, that's objective. Being you're being attacked. It's not
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: always the case. Yeah, Now if they're screaming and cursing
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: at you and low blowing you and you know, saying
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: things about your character, then yeah, you're being attacked. But
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: then you have to have a boundary. This is disrespectful,
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: this doesn't feel good. When you can state the rules
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: of re engagement, then you can come talk to me, right.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: And so it's just there's so many ways people figure
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: out to skirt accountability, and you cannot have true repair
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: in a relationship without accountability. It does not happen, it
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: will never happen. You can't defend, deflect, you know, your
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: way out, or disengage.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's another one I think.
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I get very PMS right before my period, and.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I'll admit my whole my emotions shift a little bit,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: for sure, and so it's a real thing. But it's
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: not enough to treat your partner like shit.
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: No, absolutely not. Everybody has bad days. Everybody has bad moods,
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: and if you're taking your bad mood out on your
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: partner all the time, you have to be accountable for that.
• 19:17
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: They're not a safe house for your demons.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: Right, They're not your punching bag.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: No nobody is allowed to be your punching bag in
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: this world. Nobody is allowed to profoundly neglect you and
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: take no accountability for it. And that's the hard thing
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: that One of the things I didn't get to mention
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: in the last podcast is that the dismissive avoidant is
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: just so so so highly unaware of how avoidant and
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: out of touch they are. They truly have the blinders on.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: And again that's another thing that blocks their accountability is.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Like they don't see it.
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: They truly feel like their partner is blowing something out
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: of proportion. They truly feel like it's on the other person.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: I mean, And when you're just that dead said in
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: the belief that you do nothing wrong, it is impossible
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: to repair. It's impossible to grow, it's impossible to become
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: closer and true repair inside of a relationship is the
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: thing that builds trust and builds more intimacy and safety
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: and connection. Repair will always catapult you into a better
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: place in your relationship.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: Conflict is normal.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: Repair brings you to a closer, more trusting space inside
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: of your relationship and true intimacy right, it's being There's
• 20:35
  Speaker 3: nothing more intimate than being able to confront your own
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: shame with someone by saying I was wrong. Yeah, or
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: at the very least I didn't realize how bad that
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: would hurt you. And I'm willing to learn from this
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: experience and to take that into consideration and do something
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: different than next time.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And then on the flip side, having a partner
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: who accepts it, who accepts the apology.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's kind of thing.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: That's a thing that fearful avoidance to do, and that
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: was something that I still struggle with.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: Earning your attachment security does not mean that every attachment
• 21:06
  Speaker 3: wound you ever have magically disappears. Earning your attachment security
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: means you become very well versed in managing, recognizing, catching
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: and repairing right. It's very much a catch and correct situation.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: It means you get it right most of the time,
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: but when you don't, you catch it and correct it.
• 21:25
  Speaker 3: I am Donald is so he is so easy in
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: terms of it takes him two minutes to get over anything,
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: and then he can be completely fine. Like literally, he
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: can just step aside and take a breath and then
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: he's fine.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: See I'm like that too.
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: I can step aside and take a breath and be
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: fine in the middle of the conflict. But then it's
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: out after the conflict where I get a little bit
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: more dysregulated and the pain starts to hit, which is
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: my avoidance side creeping in. So I have to make
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: sure that when that comes in that I use my
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: tools to be like, Nope, I'm not gonna hold up
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: this wall of pain because I'm just continuing to punish
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: my partner after the repair has happened, right right, and
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: there has been repair here, and it is not right
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: to keep needing to talk about it, needing to bring
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: it up. So many fearful avoidance have that beat the
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: dead horse quality where they have to just keep bringing
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: it up, keep bringing it up, keep bringing it up.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: And even after the partner has attempted to truly repair
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: it and has taken accountability, it still doesn't soothe the
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: betrayal wind. And so you have to learn to self
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: sue that a little bit.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm probably guilty of that a little bit, you know.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: And this is so minimal, But I'll buy granola bars
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: and then Josh beat them all and I'm like, I
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: didn't even get one. And then so the other day
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: he was in the kitchen. He was like, there was
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: one granola bar left, and he was like, is it
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: safe to eat this granola bar? Or am I gonna
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: hear about it forever? You know, because the one time
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: that he ate all the granola bars and I didn't
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: get one. Now I'm like, well, you eat you know,
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: you eat all the granola bars all the.
• 23:03
  Speaker 4: Time, you know, which is not the truth, but catastrophized,
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: Is it really all the time?
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: Let's challenge those thoughts, right, exactly exactly some of the time.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: It's just some of the time. He doesn't always eat
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: all the granilla bars, but he doesn't eat a lot.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: Men eat a lot. I am thoroughly impressed by how
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: much my husband can eat.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: I'm thoroughly impressed with how much Josh can eat. And
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: he still looks the way he does. He's naturally thin.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: God for him. Yeah, I mean super much. Josh is
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: just a naturally thin person. But he can eat. I
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: don't even like to share. So we have this thing
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: where I'll pop popcorn and I won't share it with
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: him because like I'm and I know you guys can't
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: see me if you're just listening to this, but like
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm sitting there and I'm like, you know,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: a little popcorn. Josh goes, that's me. He eats like
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: a maniac.
• 23:52
  Speaker 5: Can I like?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: So?
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: And like, because I grew up with a brother.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: If you didn't eat fash, you didn't eat four handfuls.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: The popcorn is gone.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: And so I'm like, you're not allowed to eat my
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: part You get your own bowl, right.
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: Like, this is my popcorn and you So maybe Josh
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: needs to be a little bit accountable.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: That's right, that's right for how all my popcorn?
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: No, but I think the important thing to remember is
• 24:15
  Speaker 3: you should be able to bring up things big and
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: small in your relationship. Yeah, and not and not have
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: it start a gigantic fight. That is not normal. If
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: that is your relationship, you're in a bad spot. You
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: are with someone who can't take up accountability, or you
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: can't take accountability, or you are way too critical in
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: how you come at your partner. There's some dysfunction there
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: and y'all need to lay it on the table and
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: figure it out. That's right, because there should not be
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: an issue where you literally cannot bring up a problem
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: to your partner. And so many people live in those
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: relationships that is every day that is walking on it.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: It is.
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: It is because resentment doesn't build because your partner hurts
• 24:58
  Speaker 3: you all the time. It builds when you can't say
• 25:01
  Speaker 3: anything about it, or when there's no repair after it happens.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: That's what creates resentment. It's the lack of voice that
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: you have and the lack of repair that's what creates resentment.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: And gosh, it happens so much, happens so much. I
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: can think of a few relationships that I know right
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: now where it's currently it's currently happening, thankfully not mine,
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: but oh my goodness, friends of mine.
• 25:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I know these people too, and I just want
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: to shake them.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: But you can't.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: I mean, you can't make people see what they don't
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: want to see, which is, hey, I'm somebody that literally
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: can't say I'm sorry, I'm wrong. I always say the
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: most profound thing you can say in your relationship is
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: I understand. That's the most literally, the simplest phrase, but
• 25:41
  Speaker 3: the most profound phrase that will diffuse any situation is
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: I understand. And I understand doesn't mean I agree with you.
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: It just means I see you, I hear you. It's
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: okay to understand someone's pain and also not agree that
• 26:00
  Speaker 3: they should have that pain, right, but accepting that they
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: do and working within that structure that they do. Therefore,
• 26:08
  Speaker 3: you have to do something different because something that hurts
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: your partner isn't always going to be something that would
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: hurt you, right, something that you do that hurts your partner,
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: if it doesn't hurt you, that doesn't matter. No, it
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: matters none. You have to work within people's perceptions. And again,
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: if you're with somebody that's constantly misunderstanding you, constantly misconstruing
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: you as having bad intentions and being hurtful when you
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: really are just being trying to be normal, then either
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: one you have blinders on and you have no idea
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: how hurtful you're actually being talking to you dismissive avoidant,
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: or your expectations for could be that your expectations for
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: mind reading and someone.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: To be perfect could be too high.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: Or generally what's normally happening is one person, because they're
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: a unique individual who's had a certain history of traumas
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: and pain points in their life, is hurt or affected
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: by your behavior, and you have to use that as
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: a learning moment. Okay, I didn't intend to hurt you.
• 27:11
  Speaker 3: It wasn't my intention, but I have to focus on
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: the impact that I did because you're a unique person.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: You're different than me, and that wouldn't have hurt me.
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: But I need to learn that about you and be
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: willing to love you in a way that feels good
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: to you. So therefore I will do something different in
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: the future. Why is It's just it's baffling why it's
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: so hard, But I understand because I didn't get it
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: a long time ago.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and it takes a certain level of emotional
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: maturity to get it, does And I think this applies
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: just in every relationship that you have. I mean obviously
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: our romantic relationships. But you know, I still think we
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: needed to do a podcast on friendship and we will
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: say we will, because I think it's we've both had
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: so many experiences with friendships where I don't want to say, well,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: maybe we have like where we've outgrown them. But yeah,
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: you know, there are certain relationships that were friendships in
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: this case where you feel this loyalty. Specifically in my scenario,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: because I've been friends with a specific friend for so long,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: like since we were young children, and we've just grown
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: in these ways where we're a lot alike, but yet
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: we're very, very different, and so there are still some
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: of these very young girl toxic traits that exist within
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: our friendship, and they don't feel good to me anymore.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: And so, you know, I tried to bring it up
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: in a conversation and it's just been really hard because
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: her response. And listen, I'm not saying her response was wrong,
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: but her response was, well, maybe you've just outgrown this friendship.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: And think about if we treated every relationship that way.
• 28:50
  Speaker 4: Right, I guess you're just outgrown each other, because then
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: you would end up divorced after everything.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: So it's like, you know, obviously I didn't feel good
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: to me when she said that, And it's it's okay
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: that she said it, because I understand we all have
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: an initial response, and I think her response came from
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: a loving, good place, But you know, it was important
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: for me to go back and say no, no, I'm
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: trying to create more closeness here between us by saying, hey,
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: this doesn't feel good to me because I've changed, I've
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: evolved over the years, as have you, and how can
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: we navigate this differently?
• 29:25
  Speaker 5: Sure?
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: And so I think these these rules or these tools
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: rather that you're teaching people. They it's so important because
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: it applies in all.
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: Your relationships, all your relationships. Yeah, you have to focus
• 29:38
  Speaker 3: on impact. And you know, I can think about last night.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: We have some family members that of my exes, who
• 29:49
  Speaker 3: have been very disconnected in the relationship with my daughter,
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: and it was really by her choice to draw those boundaries,
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: and I think they were very, very healthy boundaries, and
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: I respected them and supported them and her instituting the
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: boundaries because my ex was very dysfunctional and obviously there's
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: a similar dysfunction with these family members. And it was
• 30:15
  Speaker 3: really hard, but we all laid it out on table.
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: I said, Okay, I'm not going to force her to
• 30:19
  Speaker 3: go down and visit. I'm not going to force her.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: If you want to repair this relationship, let me know
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: and I'll facilitate the conversation. So we did so they said, yes,
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: they wanted to repair it. So they came up and
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: you could tell it was the It was like it
• 30:34
  Speaker 3: took every ounce of their being to say, you're right.
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, you're right, I did do these things and
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: I mean again, I know, we know it's a shame.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: But it's shame and in just not being emotionally mature
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: enough to have practiced it and to be comfortable in
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: admitting your flaws and admitting you're wrong, because you do
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: live with shame if you haven't. And they're both they
• 30:56
  Speaker 3: have insecure styles. One of them's an FA, one of
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: them's a DA for sure, and they definitely have an
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: FADA relationship. But the hard part was that my soon
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: to be fourteen year old daughter was light years ahead
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: of them in that conversation in terms of emotional maturity
• 31:14
  Speaker 3: she was using for I never, I swear, I've never
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: been more proud of her. She was like, I understand.
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: I mean, she was saying things like I understand your experience,
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: and I am sorry that I impacted you that way
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: when I reacted to that, and I need you to
• 31:27
  Speaker 3: understand what my experience was in the situation this. It
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: felt to me like like this is what happened, and
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: my feelings after this experience were X, Y, and Z,
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: And because those were my feelings, and when I made
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: attempts to repair and to be understood and heard, I
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: was very much dismissed. And so that was what drove
• 31:45
  Speaker 3: my choice to not have the relationship because I just
• 31:48
  Speaker 3: can't be close to someone who was refusing to understand
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: my hurt and my pain.
• 31:53
  Speaker 4: Right, Yes, I was like, yes, I'm so proud of
• 31:58
  Speaker 4: I'm so proud.
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, my daughter blows my mind.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: She was my mind. She's listened. I told you a
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: long time ago that she was going to surprise the
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: hell out of you.
• 32:08
  Speaker 3: And the person that has tried to hurt me and
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: my family, the person that committed a crime against my family,
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: which we're still dealing with in the court system.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Target is targeted my daughter.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, literally, my daughter could be not more
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: opposite than you're trying to portray her to be.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I mean, I've known her since she was.
• 32:30
  Speaker 5: Probably what six, maybe seven seven? I think, yeah, yeah,
• 32:36
  Speaker 5: she's going on fourteen, she'll be fourteen in a couple
• 32:39
  Speaker 5: of weeks. And she even Donald was like, Gabby, you
• 32:44
  Speaker 5: were light years ahead of that in emotional maturity, like
• 32:46
  Speaker 5: the way that you showed up, the way that you
• 32:48
  Speaker 5: expressed yourself vulnerably but also held space for them and
• 32:51
  Speaker 5: their feelings and could take feedback about their feelings and
• 32:54
  Speaker 5: took and when they gave you their feedback you said, Okay,
• 32:57
  Speaker 5: I can understand that, and I'm sorry that I impacted
• 32:59
  Speaker 5: you in that way. You know, it was never in
• 33:01
  Speaker 5: my intention, and you know, I take accountability for the
• 33:04
  Speaker 5: ways in which maybe I, you know, didn't make myself
• 33:09
  Speaker 5: clear and in my boundaries or respond you know, as
• 33:14
  Speaker 5: you know, in the ways in which you wanted me to.
• 33:18
  Speaker 5: And but at the same time, you know, I need
• 33:21
  Speaker 5: you to understand how you've impacted me. Yeah, you know
• 33:23
  Speaker 5: as well.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: And you know, and I know we've You've mentioned this
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: multiple times, but I always think it's worth mentioning again.
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: You know what happens psychologically physiologically when you're able to
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: be in a situation where maybe someone's telling you're telling
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: you something you did wrong. When you are regulated versus dysregulated.
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: Yeap, When you are disregulated, you will feel shame, You
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: will deflect, You will go into a trauma response. If
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: you're disregulated, if you're gonna win to fight, flight, freeze,
• 33:56
  Speaker 3: or fawn, so you're either gonna apologize just to get
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: it to stop, which is fun. You're gonna hold it
• 34:00
  Speaker 3: all inside and be seething. That's flee. You're going to
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: be fighting and being defensive and blame shifting, that's fight,
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: or you're going to just be checked out and be
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: like whatever, I don't even care and associate from it.
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: When you're regulated, you are actually your prefrontal cortex comes online,
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: and it opens your capacity for understanding, for empathy, for
• 34:22
  Speaker 3: being able to hold perspectives of different like that your
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: partner has a different perspective and being sort of able
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: to hold that in the same space of your perspective
• 34:31
  Speaker 3: without telling them they're wrong. Right, You're sort of able
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: to sort of cope with this idea that they see
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: things differently than I do. And that's actually okay. And really,
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: what we just need to do is understand each other
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: and form a plan for how we're going to behave
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: in the future to not have this issue again. And
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: so when you're regulated, actually repair feels like really relieving.
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: It feels like, oh, okay, So this was an issue
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: that you know, Donald and I were having a specific
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: issue because of the person that committed the crime against
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: our family. It's cost so much stress, it's caused so
• 35:07
  Speaker 3: much money and legal fees to.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: Try to hold this.
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: Person accountable for their ongoing, really really bad behavior, and
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: it's just been a nightmare it has been a nightmare
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: ever since that trauma happened. It's been a nightmare in
• 35:25
  Speaker 3: terms of time and money. Right, Okay, so obviously that
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: stresses anybody. And he got a little bit stressed, and
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: I could just tell right that there was this level
• 35:39
  Speaker 3: of stress within him. And I was just trying the
• 35:41
  Speaker 3: approach of just being really soft and being really gentle,
• 35:44
  Speaker 3: and like that was only getting me so far. And finally,
• 35:46
  Speaker 3: when I laid it out on the table, like, here's
• 35:49
  Speaker 3: how it feels to be on the other end of
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: that level of stress. Yeah, Like, I just need to
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: tell you that it's how it's affecting me. And he
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: was so open to it. He was like, you know what,
• 35:58
  Speaker 3: You're right, I've been in a little bit of a
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: punk and like I can see why that's that sort
• 36:04
  Speaker 3: of vibrated into our relationship space and I take full accountability.
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: And we were both like oh right, right, Like okay,
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: Like I He's like, I, you know, because it doesn't
• 36:15
  Speaker 3: feel good to be stressed all the time. So I
• 36:17
  Speaker 3: need to find the you know, the resources, and you know,
• 36:21
  Speaker 3: I need to be able to talk about it more.
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: I need to be able to, you know, have things
• 36:26
  Speaker 3: that are in my life to help me manage my
• 36:28
  Speaker 3: stress basically associated with this issue, right, And when we
• 36:32
  Speaker 3: both laid it out on the table, it was like
• 36:34
  Speaker 3: this big sigh of relief.
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: And I've never felt closer to him.
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, like I've never felt closer to him,
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: Like it feels amazing.
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: It's relief in so many within so many variables that's happening, right,
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Because it's relief in the sense of, like, this pressure
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: is not all on you to soothe his wound, right,
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: because then he's acknowledging Hey, you know, maybe I do
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: need to seek other intervention, get you know, maybe go
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: back to therapy, talk to somebody. Yeah, and then you're
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: not all of a sudden like okay, well now all
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: this falls on me, right to deal with or to
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: try to make him feel better.
• 37:11
  Speaker 3: Gosh, I wish so much I could talk openly about this,
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: but they put a gag order on you when it's
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: in the legal system. Yeah, you know, and I don't.
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: My goal isn't to throw anybody under the bus. But
• 37:22
  Speaker 3: at the same time, what happened was so big and
• 37:25
  Speaker 3: so real and affected our family in such a huge
• 37:29
  Speaker 3: way that it's hard to not I mean I'm sure
• 37:32
  Speaker 3: my listeners are like, what in the heck hapn wow,
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: I know, trust me, I want to tell you, but
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: it's just better for a lot, for all the whole
• 37:41
  Speaker 3: situation if it's not talk to about. I mean, not
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: just to mention that it would really screw up the
• 37:46
  Speaker 3: legal process, but just the fact that my desire isn't
• 37:49
  Speaker 3: to throw this person under the bus. My desire is
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: to hold boundaries and to be accountable for your behavior
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: and how your behavior affects our family and whatnot. But yeah,
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: it's being able to have that conversation with him and
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: him just be like, you know what, you're right, Like,
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: I have been really stress lately, and I've kind of
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: been carrying that right and I've been a little bit
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: more snippy, and I've been a little bit more like
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: I have more angst. You know, I'm just walking around
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: a little more stressed out. And I realized that that,
• 38:19
  Speaker 3: you know, I can't rely on you just to be
• 38:21
  Speaker 3: the one that will like sue that and accept that
• 38:24
  Speaker 3: I've done it the best I could. But I had
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: to eventually say, hey, like, your stress is starting to
• 38:27
  Speaker 3: stress me out. You know, it's becoming a little too much,
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: and there's been times where he's had to say that
• 38:33
  Speaker 3: to me because my stress was stressing him out. And
• 38:37
  Speaker 3: I mean, because obviously this was a really stressful I.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: Should be able to say that to your part yes,
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: and not get and not the other one not gets
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: super defensive like no, how dare you say that to
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: me while I'm going through this difficult time?
• 38:48
  Speaker 5: Right?
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's what a dysfunctional person would say.
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: And my husband and I are so good about being like, Okay,
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: I have to accept that I have this impact on you,
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: because when you think about it, logically, do you not
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: think your partner's a reasonable person?
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: So if you think your partner's a reasonable person, which
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: I would assume would be a sort of prerequisite to
• 39:08
  Speaker 3: being with them, right, then you would have to accept
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: feedback from said reasonable person, right because and acknowledge that
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: you may have some blind spots about your own behavior,
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: because everybody does absolutely right, So that's what I But
• 39:22
  Speaker 3: if you think your partner is constantly unreasonable, why are
• 39:24
  Speaker 3: you still there?
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: Right? Right?
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: They're the unreasonable one, right, They're making a mountain out
• 39:30
  Speaker 3: of them all hill.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: It's a really really profound question to ask yourself.
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: Right, is my partner a reasonable person. If the answer
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: is no, maybe you shouldn't be with them because they're unreasonable.
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: If the answer is yes, then you should value their feedback.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: And that's one thing and take it. I can say
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: with confidence was a big issue with my ex. There
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: was no reasoning right, There was never a chance to
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: reason with him, and it made things very difficult. And
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: he just he I know I've mentioned this before, but
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: he used to say, you know, respect is just given,
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: it should be given. I'm like, no, that's not how
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: respect works. You have to Yeah, you have to earn respect.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: It is, and then you got to you got to
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: continue to follow through to keep it right right right.
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: It doesn't exist.
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think that's a lot of fallacy, especially
• 40:21
  Speaker 3: because men really need respect to feel loved. But oftentimes,
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: if you're not acting in ways that would earn you respect,
• 40:28
  Speaker 3: if you're not acting as a respectable person, you can't
• 40:31
  Speaker 3: expect that someone will respect you. And if your partner
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: is continually acting as someone who doesn't deserve your respect, again,
• 40:39
  Speaker 3: you need to take a look at yourself about where
• 40:41
  Speaker 3: your boundaries are.
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: Because I will say, in those situations, situations, it is
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: difficult when your partner gives you feedback, because I mean, again,
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: this was an issue with with my exime. He wanted
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: to give me feedback. And it's not that his feedback
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: was necessarily wrong. There was just such a level of
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: disrespect because his behavior that I didn't hit his feedback
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: had no credibility with me. Yeah, because I'm like, dude, no, seriously,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: you're gonna give me feedback?
• 41:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Like, wait, you're mad that I yelled at you
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: because I found out you cheated on me.
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: Right, that's what we used to deal.
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: With, right, Like I found out you found out about
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: my four year long affair when you were pregnant, but
• 41:21
  Speaker 3: then your initial response was to yell.
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: And this leads to something else that I've been wanting
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: to bring up, which is projection.
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Projection's huge, which.
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: I think is a big thing that people, really people
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: who can't take accountability struggle with. Yes, because when you
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: can't take accountability, then you want to project onto other people.
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: Well I did it because you did.
• 41:38
  Speaker 3: This, Yeah, like the classic blame shift projection.
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: Here's the thing.
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: We're all one hundred percent responsible for our own behavior.
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: We're responsible for the environment that we create for our
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: partner We're responsible for our own reactions and behaviors. So literally,
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: your partner could be doing the worst thing possible and
• 41:59
  Speaker 3: you're still accountable for how you respond. You always have
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: the choice to turn around and exit or set a
• 42:04
  Speaker 3: solid boundary in some way, shape or form. Yeah, was
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: I in the right for yelling at him when you
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: cheated on me? No, because I'd fundamentally believe that yelling
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: at your partner's never write. Was it something that most
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: people would look at and say, well, okay, that's reasonable.
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, But at the.
• 42:20
  Speaker 3: Same time, I was staying with multiple affairs.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: I stayed.
• 42:29
  Speaker 3: So where was my accountability for staying with somebody that
• 42:32
  Speaker 3: was constantly cheating on me and then me yell and
• 42:36
  Speaker 3: blow up when it happened? Well, what did I expect?
• 42:39
  Speaker 3: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: doesn't mean people can't grow and change, but with no work,
• 42:44
  Speaker 3: people don't grow and change. And there was no evidence
• 42:47
  Speaker 3: that person was doing any work in my life, and
• 42:49
  Speaker 3: I still maintained the relationship, it accepted it, so that one.
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: Was on me.
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: Way to take accountability.
• 42:56
  Speaker 4: Way to take accountability, right, I mean that is that's
• 42:59
  Speaker 4: the way to wrap up.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great way to wrap up. I do
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: want to give a shout out to our girl who
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: made our T shirt. Thank you, Jenna Simpson. Is that
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: Simpson is better name? I think so, Jenna Simpson. We
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: got our first fan mail today, guys, and we were
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: just like, we're over here on cloud not you guys
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: have no idea, Like I wish y'all might hear us
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: and see us and be like, oh, you know, we
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: get all these messages that are like, oh, I admire
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: you girls so much, but guys, we're just two country girls.
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: That are in all of you. Guys.
• 43:29
  Speaker 3: Like I it blows me away when people are like,
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, can't believe I'm talking to you. I'm like,
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: what right, Like I'm just from Kentucky, Like I'm a
• 43:36
  Speaker 3: normal person, Like I'm just I never planned on having
• 43:40
  Speaker 3: any sort of spotlight on me in my life.
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: This is all a shock to me too. I'm just
• 43:43
  Speaker 2: trying to figure it out.
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: We're just get old down to earth girls out and
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: te girls just trying to change the world in our
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: little circle.
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: And so we're just we appreciate you so much and
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: we've been you make us who we are Without you
• 43:58
  Speaker 3: and your feedback and you're we would not be here
• 44:01
  Speaker 3: talking about these things. It takes an audience to have
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: a platform, yep. And so we are so so grateful
• 44:08
  Speaker 3: that you're in our space.
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: We love you and listen, and don't everythink that there's
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: not hope for you to go out there and do
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: whatever you want with your life. We've both lived off
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: nothing but Raymond noodles in a prayer before sure. I mean,
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: and I think that that's, if anything, that just makes
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: us more grateful to be where we are right now.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: I mean, seriously, if you'd told me ten years ago
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: that I'd be co hosting a podcast when my life
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: was kind of being shambles, yeah, I'd have been like.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: If you had told me five years ago, right, that's
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: when my shambles.
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: I would have been like, well, maybe I see the
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: potential in myself, but based on how my life is
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: going right now, I don't think so so. But anyway,
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: thank you all so much, and thank you to Jenna
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: for the T shirts. We love you, guys, We are
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: we are rooting for you, every each and every one
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: of you this year. Make this your best year, and
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: you know, also continue to listen to this podcast. That's
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: a great way to make make it.
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: Share it with your friends too.
• 45:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, if you if you find you know that
• 45:12
  Speaker 3: we're helpful, share us on your social media. Please share us,
• 45:15
  Speaker 3: you know, to your friends, because not because we want
• 45:17
  Speaker 3: to be big stars, because we want to help people.
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: We want people to We want this.
• 45:21
  Speaker 3: World to be filled with more love, more grace, more compassion,
• 45:24
  Speaker 3: more kindness, more gentleness, more faith. Yes, that's what the
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: world needs and that's all I want.
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: That's right, that's right, and so please continue to tune in, listen, like,
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: leave a review, subscribe all of the above. Eventually we
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: are going to have a patron patron's account where our
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: biggest fans can subscribe, and we're eventually going to have
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: merch and it's.
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: Gonna be super cool merch.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Yes, and we're we're for those patron patrons that want
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: to subscribe. We would release our episodes sooner to you
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: guys as well, and maybe do some like behind the
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: scene episodes for you guys. So there's lots to come,
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: So stay tuned. Happy New Year. We're so glad you're here.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: And until next time you visit the data, we get
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  Speaker 1: that we can't forget that, oh shameless plug right always
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  Speaker 1: doctor Hinsley's Hybrid Group Coaching program or her course. And
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  Speaker 1: guess what, we have a new course that's coming down
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  Speaker 1: the pipeline. I know, and I know we've been saying
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  Speaker 1: that for a while now, but it is definitely going
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  Speaker 1: to be released within the next month, so stay tuned
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: it's coming. And also, I'm gonna mention Cozy Earth really quick.
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  Speaker 1: I know that you guys get really sick and tired
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• 47:25
  Speaker 1: to see where this year brings us. So so exciting. Yes,
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: until next time, peace, love, and perspective