Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Ugly Baby Names | Joyelle Nicole Johnson | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Ugly Baby Names | Joyelle Nicole Johnson | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so happy because I was just in Austin, Texas, so it's nice to be back around white people I can trust again.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I saw a white lady with a MAGA hat coming out of a Mexican restaurant.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no more season food for you, bitch, okay?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can vote like that if you want to, but it's mashed potatoes and mayonnaise on Wonder Bread from here on in, okay?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I hate people like that.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: They want to vote against our rights and then come to New York and see a Broadway play.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can't hate gays, but want them to entertain you, alright?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I want New York to secede from the nation.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: You should need a passport to get in here.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Not all of New York, just the boroughs.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Not all of the boroughs, just four out of five of the boroughs.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know which borough my black face does not want to include.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Pete Davidson can make his own country, okay?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: He's the king, right?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've been going all over the world, uh scouting out places for when America goes full Gilead.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: I it's coming.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um I just went to Taiwan, which was amazing.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, I don't clap, I flew coach.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um terrible.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I was in Taiwan, or as Americans call it, Thailand.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: No one acknowledges that's a country.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Especially not anyone in China.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's for three people.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Or one billion.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um why was I in Taiwan?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: My boyfriend is half Taiwanese, half white, so I got a little Keanu.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I got a little Keanu.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: He's so cute, except he's bald, so he looked like Neil when he came out of the duck sauce in the matrix.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Still very hot.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: He brought me to Taiwan.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: Taiwan's a very tiny country filled with very tiny people, and I don't know if you can tell from the stage, I'm a big bitch, alright?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, baby.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: 5'11, 205, Lady Lumberjack in the house.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I was the biggest blackest thing to land in Taipei.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: Second to Dwight Howard.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was the second biggest blackest thing to land in Taipei.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I was bigger than I was bigger than the cars, bigger than the showers and the beds.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was sitting down breaking chairs and shit.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: I was FIFA Fo Fummin all over Taipei.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody was staring at me.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I stuck out like a sore thumb.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, take a picture, it'll last longer.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: They did.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: They took pictures and video without my consent.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is this what Beyonce Bill's like?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like it.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was out there meeting his uh Taiwanese family, and I don't know if you've ever met Asian people from Asian countries, but they are rude.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: They do not give up.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, I like I told you, I'm big.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was bigger than everybody in the family.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm bigger than the men and the women, and they told me that to my face, right?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: The auntie was mad savage with it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: We were having what I thought was a peaceful dinner.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: She chose violence.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I called myself complimenting her father.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: My boyfriend's grandfather is 102 years old.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, your father's amazing.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's 102 years old, lives in a second floor walk-up.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's going up and downstairs every day.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: His knees might be better than mine.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: She looked at me, she was like, Your knees would be better if you weren't so fat.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Face crack.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: She saw my mouth open, double down, like, what?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you lost weight, you would have better knees.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And all I could think to say was, girl, you and my mother would get along like gangbusters.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I had to put these two girlies on a group tag.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I should take this show on the roll.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Fat shaming women across the United States.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: So happy to be back in America where I am regular sized.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I hate when countries make me miss America.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I am not a patriot.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I've been with my dude for three and a half years.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: The way we got together, I wrote down everything I wanted in a relationship on a list.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I've gotten a lot of things.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: I encourage everybody to do this.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: A couple of years ago, I wrote down I wanted to do the Tonight Show last year.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I did the Tonight Show twice.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the first black female stand-up comedian to do the Tonight Show twice in one year.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for clapping for that.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Mostly because I don't know if that's true, but it sounds good.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Who else could it be?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Google it.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's my story and I'm sticking to it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Till Whoopi Owanda calls and tells me otherwise, it was me.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So I wrote down everything I wanted in a relationship on a list.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: My boyfriend hit all of the marks on the list, which was crazy.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: Only thing was, I forgot to put down black, so you gotta be specific with God.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: God is like a server at a restaurant coming out the back like, you didn't know the black, so you're gonna enjoy these mayonnaise dumplings.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: We've been together almost four years.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now everybody's asking the question.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're going straight for my jugular.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, when you having a baby?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, when you having a baby.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: PSA, stop asking this question.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody wants to be asked it, you know?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: And the answer surprises people.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be a mother.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Which confuses humans when a woman says she doesn't want to be a mother, they look at you like, well, what could your purpose possibly be in life?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh to spend the money I made on me, bitch.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hello?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I just got this money.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm supposed to spend it on somebody.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if I'm gonna like.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Parents don't be liking their kids.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: It got quiet.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Parents, y'all don't like your kids.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: I've been going all over the country asking parents to convince me to have a kid.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: None of y'all can do it.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Children have a 2.5 on Yelp with 6 billion reviews.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Kids need a publicist.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was in Indiana last month.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I asked the whole crowd who's a parent.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody raised their hands because I was in Indiana.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, who can convince me to have a kid?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: All the hands went down.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Except for one lady, very bold, she stood up, she's like, Well, when you have a baby, you'll have the best naps you've ever had in your life.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: You'll have great naps when you have a baby.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, girl, you underestimate the naps I take now.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm irresponsible.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I wake up at 11.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I sent one email, I'm napping by noon.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I am the nap queen.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: I need kids to take a nap.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: If that's the case, I got twins.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: The names are marijuana and melatonin.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta blow my pussy out to take a nap.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: People want me to have a baby real bad too.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: They try to convince me in dumb ways.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, well, I don't know if you thought about it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: But you're black and he's half white, half Asian.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: The baby would be beautiful.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, rude.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Second of all, right?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: That baby would be so cute.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Just for the hair alone.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's the only reason I want to have that baby for the hair.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I want to shear that lamb once a month, sell that shit at a farmer's market, okay?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be standing out there like, get your cobblanesian yucky weave.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's organic, it's artisanal, it's actual baby hair.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's the Tiger Woods special, y'all.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all better get this weave.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I made y'all sad for some reason.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mostly don't want to be um a mother because I was a substitute teacher in South Central Los Angeles for middle school, and these kids would threaten my life.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: They'd be like, Miss Tasa, we're gonna kill you.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's like for asking you to open your books.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, eye for an eye.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Only thing worse was I preferred them threatening my life to them roasting my outfit.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've ever been made fun of by a black teenager, but don't make you want to kill yourself, okay?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: You thought you had something cute.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: They would raise their hands to roast me.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: The only time they were polite.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Keep raising their hand.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what absody?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Absody was spelled A-B-C-G-E.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what absody?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Miss Johnson, that suit makes you look like a gas station attendant in the fifth element.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I hated these kids.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: I had two boys that were outliers in the class.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And um, if I get rid of two of them, everybody else would act right.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: One was named Nigel.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: He came in hot 7:30 in the morning, fuck you, Miss Johnson.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: After a couple of days, I was like, fuck you, Nigel.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then he fuck off.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: He's my favorite student.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: My other outlier was Robert Johnson.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I still hate Robert today.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: I masturbate the negative things happening to Robert.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I hope he gets famous one day as someone slaps him on stage at a televised event.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Joel.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys for listening to me.