Latest / High Five Hot Mess Podcast / We Thought There'd Be More Adults: Caring for Aging Parents, New Responsibilities & the Gen X Crisis
Transcript
- High Five Hot Mess Podcast: So the first time I became the adult in the room, I was writing a check for my parents' mortgage. My dad had stage four colon cancer, and he was a bartender. Cash, tips, off the books. So when he stopped working, the money stopped. My mom was a secretary for a boss that was also getting sick. So that was ending too. They were going to lose the house, and here's the part that fits so perfectly painfully Gen X, they wouldn't even show us their checking account. They wouldn't let us see their credit card statements. They just wanted us to pay their bills. And I'm like, okay, listen. No one has ever asked me to fix anything for anyone in my entire life. It's always been about me and making sure I survive and making sure my bills are paid. And so now I'm suddenly the adult in the room that's responsible for everyone, not just me, but everyone. So if you're ever somebody who sat in a doctor's office on a work teams call trying to talk to your parents' doctor about why she's your mom or dad are pill swapping with one another, and you can't understand who's supposed to take what, and you're also being asked a question by your boss on your Teams call, this episode is for you. Hi, five, high, best, podcast. Hey Lisa Smith. Hi, Lisa. How are you? I'm good. ⁓ so everybody listen. We have just been getting hit so hard with people who are struggling because they are finding themselves responsible for for spouses or parents that they never anticipated being responsible for. And you know what? I can totally get it and I understand why. It's hard. Like it's hard right now, especially And I and I would say that this is a Gen X thing, but I'm telling you guys I have friends who are Gen Alpha and Millennial, and they are also suddenly finding themselves responsible for parents or spouses, but parents' spouses, other people's kids, nieces, nephews, all that good stuff. And it is a real, real challenge because listen, when you're Gen X, you are you're gonna make it happen. You are going to get to tomorrow because that is what you have been doing since nineteen seventy one. Just getting through another day, right? So Lisa, let me ask you like what did a normal day after school look like for you? Me and my sister, we would get off the bus and we'd have to walk home. And we had quite a f a a long way to walk home. It was, you know, in the middle of nowhere where our house was, and we had no neighbors. And so we would have to walk this like treacherous like walk home. ⁓ down this long dirty dirt road. And then we'd get to our house. And ⁓ we had just a few hours before my mom would get off of work. And so, you know, we could maybe watch a little bit of TV, but we always had chores. Always had chores to do after work. I had my own set of chores, my sister had her set of chores. But what she would do every day is make a bigger mess than. we actually originally had to clean up. She would bake things or like she was like in Homech whatever. And she would try out all these like new recipes. And so the kitchen would be disgusting. She'd put taffy down the garbage disposal, broke the garbage disposal, like all the things. Like just a mess. And she'd just lay there, never do her chores. So I could see my when my mom would come home. Through, like, if we looked out the window, you could see the car far, far away, like coming. So I would have to get my chores done and my sister's chores done because she didn't do it. Remember? She she made toffee or whatever and sat and watched TV and would not do her chores. So a day in the life of me after school was doing my chores and her chores and making sure that my mom didn't come home and lose her ever loving mind. So that was a very typical day. That's awful. I'm so sorry. It's but it's it's so and I just remember being like so tired after that long walk home. And then yeah, and it would start and it was just like this constant cycle. I l I dreaded going home after school. I hated it. I mean, mine mine was nothing like that. I mean honest how was what would what did your after school date look like. So we were feral. Like straight up feral. So we would walk home, which you guys listen. Like there was never an adult around. Never. Like we never had an adult around. So it was you and your siblings against the world and I genuinely mean that. So, you know, we'd walk home and then you would get home, we'd all like tear into whatever junk food was available in the house. Then it would like Lord of the Flies. We'd fight and scream and call my mom at work and tell on each other like every two minutes. Yep. That poor woman like never got a break ever. And like we then we would leave the house and just go to wherever we wanted to go. Until the sun came down and then we had to go home. And if we weren't home by then, that was trouble. But literally I had no responsibilities other than staying alive, unlike you. So much responsibility that I was I was always wishing that yeah, it looked very different. Yeah. I'm sorry, dude. No, no, it's fine. It's just it's just how it was. And I'm the oldest of of a quatrillion children. And so yeah, I mean I think I think that kind of plays into it too. I I got a lot of responsibility because of that. Like I mean, when did you realize Lisa that you were responsible for your own survival? Like no one was gonna come and save you. It was you or you would not make it. Like when I was little. ⁓ I think I mean you can ask my mom too. Like she will she will Absolutely agree with the statement that I did it I did a lot of it to myself. Like I was born like creating checklists and talking for my sister and like taking care of things like helping my mom. Like I was always a helper fixer. ⁓ as far as she can ever remember. But I honestly think, you know, when you grow up with a single mom, ⁓ You kind of there's a r there's a different level of responsibility there, I think. Because my mom had a lot of responsibility. And then ⁓ you know, shot remarried and had, you know, more children. And so we lived in a house with quite a bit of children. And ⁓ so there was a lot of responsibility taking care of little, little kids at a very young age. Like I can't believe. that they like handed me newborn babies to like take care of you know how old were you how old were you I was the last child I was 14 when she was born and ⁓ yeah I there was a lot of of late nights I remember with her s especially a lot of Yeah, a lot of responsibility with the little kids because they were all born like really close together. So we just had a bunch of, yeah, feral little kids running around the house. And so I was it was bef between the ages of nine to fourteen is when there was just like kid after kid after kid, it felt it seemed like. So just to compare, when you were fourteen, you were taking care of a newborn. When I was fourteen, I was smoking cigarettes, drinking tickle pink wine, catching rides to the dance club across town, or just getting in the cars with strangers to get me to wherever I wanted me and my punk rocks off. So we we had very, very different marriage series. But I was very close with my older brother because we used to go to all we did all of these terrible deeds together and partners in crime. And my little brother, you know, we was just trying to keep him out of jail. And I hope he listens to this and calls me because he He can say what he wants, but it's true. And you were taking care of siblings, which I think I mean, I know you right now are like in deep taking care of all family stuff that's kind of happening. And I mean, I might be wrong, but I have really observed you as like the person that everyone goes to. Is that do you think it's do you think that you are the actual family fixer? I would definitely say that I am. the family fixer. I've always been that way though. I I've I've always been the person that has tried to keep myself alive, keep a lot of other people alive, or yeah, out of jail, ⁓ out of, you know, getting into some crazy trouble. ⁓ have I always done everything right? No. I mean, I remember I remember one time I was supposed to watch my Two younger brothers and they were little. They were like like toddler little. And I was so mad that I had to stay home. I clearly I didn't get to go with my friends or something. I had to stay home and watch my younger siblings. And we lived on a farm and there was like an irrigation ditch in front of our house. And when there's water going in the irrigation ditch, it is fast. It's so fast. And I was mad. I cranked up my stereo, listening to clearly like some goth music. And I was just back there just, you know, crying tears of sorrow. And something told me to turn down I don't know what it was, but I was like, ⁓ I haven't heard anything, you know, for a while. And I kind of was like, ⁓ I probably should go check on them. They were yelling because they fell in the ditch. And they were floating down the floating down the ditch and we had like I had to like get them out. Like it was so scary what could have happened. But I was a kid, you know, I was a kid that didn't want to do it 'cause I felt like I was always babysitting and missing out on doing fun things. So so yeah. And today they still call you. Right. When something happens and but I think that like we trauma bond, right? So my brothers and I have also trauma bonded over, you know, ourselves. So one while you were rescuing your siblings from a ditch from washing away in a storm. It's my fault. No, my fault. It's not your fault. But that's a that's a therapy session for another day. But so my brother And I, like I said, we used always go to these clubs, these teenage dance clubs. Yeah. Which listen, kids now don't know what they're missing. It was pure hedonism for teenagers. ⁓ black hair. I was Susie Sue. So we used to we used to go and get all of our friends who were also punk rockers. And we would get into the back of our big pickup truck and then he would drive us literally on a freeway across town. I was in the back because that's you know, me and all my friends were in the back because we were smoking. Can't smoke in in the back of a yeah. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. I mean, why not? So then we pull into the place that sells fourteen year olds liquor and we go inside and we buy all this booze. And I mean you guys cla we think about what you look like at 14. If you've forgotten and you're our age, go back and look at some pictures. We did not look like we were old enough to buy booze, but they sold it to us anyway. It might have had something to do with thigh high fish nets and garter belt showing. Could be. And so we got all this liquor and well, when we were kids we used to ski and when you were ready for the boat to take off, you would yell, hit it. Right? That was the that was the signal. So my brother is in the car and he's with his girlfriend and all my friends were all in the back and we are dressed for a night on the town. Uh-huh. And I hear him yell something. And I was like, hold on. And he thought I said hit it. And I flew out of the truck, landed on the concrete. Someone screams at him, Hey, Lisa fell out. He reverses over my arm. ⁓ no, he did not. Did we go home? No, we did not. ⁓ Walking around my house and my kitchen and I hear my mom scream from the laundry room. Cause I had just bought a new esprit shirt. Okay. Yeah that I was wearing for back to school. ⁓ memory. So it was a big deal. I don't know if they do that anymore, but it was like a really expensive brand new esprit shirt. Wow, they were. It was black. And there was a huge hole in the side of it from where it tore when I was like pressed underneath the Full weight of a pickup truck and I had to like wedge my arm out and rift the shirt. Continued on. Well, my mom is like, What did you do to your brand new shirt? God damn it, Lisa. Blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, ⁓ I don't I I was trying to iron it and I burned it. Lisa. And it didn't even look like an iron burn, I'm sure. Just the worst burn in the world. No, I'm a liar. And I was like, I've tried to iron it and I burned it. And she was like, Okay, well then I turn and she sees my arm, which is black purple every color under the sun. And she's like, What happened? And I'm like, Well, when I was ironing, I mean I made up this whole story about how I fell back in the- It was like so fast. Fell back, hit myself, didn't want to burn anything in the line room. My brother is just sitting at the counter in his underwear eating his cereal, just shaking his like, ⁓ hell. Here's her damn stories again. I mean, like, so but like that, so that is like one of my core memories of like we are we are lucky to be alive, right? That that we survived it. But I think the next thing that we have to kind of dive into is like The reason that we are lucky to be alive is because our parents just did not care. I mean, not that they didn't care, but they were they were working. Yeah. They were work. My mom worked all day, my dad worked all night. So we weren't able to like make any noise at home during the day, which is, you know, when we're not at home, that's fine. But when we're all home, it was like this constant cycle of him getting mad and spanking us and screaming at us and then us doing it like for years. It's not his fault, but it was like years of Of getting beat, right? For w for being a kid. And and so I will never forget this story. This was like the most profound moment for when I knew nobody was coming to save me. You know? So I go to the park with my friend Beth, who to this day is an asshole. And I because I was a fat kid who didn't think I was should be. bashful or ashamed because I was fat. So I got bullied like ruthlessly. So to have a friend at all was like a weird thing. But I went to the park and I climbed a tree and I got so high in the tree I couldn't get down. I was too afraid to jump down. So I'm just sitting in the tree. My friend leaves me. She goes home. Yes, Beth fucking ditched out. I was like, I have to get home before the sun goes down or I'm in trouble. And so she left you in the tree. Mm-hmm. Left me in the tree. So it's now many hours later, dark. It's like seven o'clock, eight o'clock at night. And I'm just in the street. Yes. Shivering, crying. And I see my mom's Lincoln Cadillac swing around the corner. And she hits the park and highlights me in the tree with her headlights. Okay. And she leans out her window and she's like, God damn it, Lisa. Because that was like her big thing. Get out of that goddamn tree. Get over here. We got McDonald's in the car. And I'm like, I I can't get down. She's like, what? I'm like, I can't get down. And she's smoking, you know, and she's like, get out the goddamn tree. So what I jump out of the tree, my leg smacks against the nineteen seventy-eight metal swing set pole. You know, those industrial metal swing sets. I don't think they have those anymore, but it was in you guys, it could have been a hurricane and that thing would have stayed. Smack my leg against it, screaming in pain. My mom does not get out of the car. She sends my older brother to come and get me. And he's like, Come on, let's go. I'm in the fourth grade, so I think I'm like seven or eight. I don't know how you old are in fourth grade, maybe. It's like eight. He's like ten. Like he's also a child. And he's like, she's getting mad. We gotta go. We gotta go. And I'm like, I can't. He's like, stop being a baby. And he like yanks me up because now he's bullying me, right? And I'm like, all right. I get in the car and she's like, have your milkshake. And I'm like, okay. And I'm like, yeah. So you guys, this went on for two weeks. Two weeks, my mom and dad told me to walk it off. So I had to walk to school. I had to walk home. I was up all night crying because my leg was throbbing in pain. I could not sleep until eventually one of them had to take time off from work to take me to the doctor, which that was like never ever ever do they ever take days off of work. I wonder where I get it from. Exactly. My leg is shattered. No. I was shattered. And I've been trying to walk on it. ⁓ Lisa. But you know what? It That is a very, very probably a very common thing where it was just kind of like figure it out. Just yeah, walk it off, suck it up, cry later. I got a slurpee. That's how my dad felt so bad for me that he got me a slurpee and that was a big, big deal. Right. And then like, but when did you do you have a moment where you were like, I am on my fucking own? No one is coming to help me. Tell me about it. Well, I think, you know, and again, like there's no there's no shade to my parents. This was this was kind of just what had to happen in the moment, you know. And like I said, we all of a sudden we had a quatrillion kids living in this house and that's expensive. And my mom ended up not being able to work anymore because we just had, you know, a pretty good paying job. And ⁓ And my and my dad I mean we just we didn't have a lot of money. And so I was twelve. I was going into the sixth grade, and it was like a really big deal. Like really super big deal to have a spree, the spree bag. You know, we had units. Do you remember units? Yes. Yes. You know, everybody wanted their units. You had to have your guest jeans, like all the things. And my friends ⁓ were their parents were a little bit more affluent than than mine at the time. ⁓ they all the sixth graders came together in one school. So it was like a really big deal that you were graduating from elementary school and it's like your first time that you're gonna be having multiple classes and meeting all these kids from all around your town. And so to have that those guest jeans, that a spree bag, like all the th that was so important. Well, that was the year that my parents broke it to me that they couldn't afford to buy me school clothes. So if I wanted school clothes, I needed to get a job and buy ⁓ myself. And so I did. I did. I worked all day at my grandpa's laundry. He hired me, which was awesome. And I was able to work there during the summer. I cleaned houses, I babysat. In the sixth grade. You were like twelve grade. Yeah. I was like fifth grade the summer between fifth grade and sixth grade. One grandfather had a like a laundry business. One had a convenience store. So I was able to like help there. But my grandmas would pay me to clean their house. Like I did anything I possibly could to make money for these school clothes. Well, we usually went like to a bigger town to buy school clothes. And ⁓ But we couldn't go this that that particular year. So we only had two stores, I remember. We had like a kind of like a a discount store or a really expensive like ⁓ department store. So it was very like you either got no name brands at the discount store, or you went to the department store and you spent a lot of money, right? Well, I ended up not making as much as I thought. I was gonna make that summer, even though I worked like all summer, like all day long. And then I would come home and like help with the house. I remember I could only get like two pairs of because they were expensive. Guest jeans were expensive back then. And so I remember I didn't get very many clothes and I couldn't afford the espree bag. And I remember like being so devastated and so crazy. crushed that I couldn't end up affording that. Did my friends have it have one? Yes. Did I? No. ⁓ and I remember that was the first time that I remembered. Ever since then I had to pay for my own school clothes. So that just taught me to try to save during the year when I could, babysit during the year. And but it taught me a lot of ⁓ a lot of good lessons on You don't have to have everything named brand, right? But back then you d you felt like you did. But I got through the year without that espree bag. And guess what? I never got one. So I was too fat for guest jeans. I couldn't wear I didn't make them in fat girl sizes. I'm still traumatized from that. But listen, so like loved it. I I would have liked them as well. But I did have parachute pants. Yeah, I tried to babysit my cousin once and I lasted forty-five minutes before I called my mom to come get me. And she's like, You're babysitting, you can't leave. And I'm like, I'm not staying here. This kid's a mess. People lose my number. Don't call me again. And that's probably why In my family, I'm not the fixer. No one ever calls me for anything 'cause I'm like, I'm not helping you. I mean, I feel like I ⁓ I'm definitely the fixer and I'm I have been responsible for a lot of people's survival. Well, you are responsible to this day. You are still that person. Like you're that person for me. I mean, you're that person for all of us, right? Like if I like if if I need someone, I know that you're gonna come to you're gonna show up and you're gonna help me. And I know that you do that for lots of other people. But The weird shift that we're finding ourselves in right now is that, you know, the Gen X kids that nobody that were like on our own to survive. We did not have helicopter parents. We had no parents. There was like almost nobody around ever. Right. So what is something that your parents did? Like what was the the most recent event where you're like, ⁓ my God, I'm the adult in the room? Or you're like, this is a lot. When what is the most recent example you can think of? Because you have many. Yes. I think the most recent example would be ⁓ that I've had to get a joint bank account with my dad. And it's, you know, he's definitely struggling right now ⁓ with his health. And ⁓ he just needs some help, you know, needs some help, like bills still have to get paid. ⁓ things have to be done. And when you're when your parents start to get older or they get sick, ⁓ or yeah, or they get hurt or something, like you all of a sudden become all the things like grocery shopping, ⁓ banking, you know, I mean all the things that I never even thought about that needs to happen when they can't do it themselves. Yeah. And guess what? If they don't if they don't have a spouse, you know? If they don't have a spouse and they don't want your help. Yeah, that's true. My moment was I was living in Virginia. Doug and I were living our best life and I was talking to my parents on the phone. I they were my best friends. I talked to both of them every single day. There was nothing that I ever kept from them. I talked to them all the time about everything. And I get a phone call. And it's my mom and she's hysterical. So my parents were prone to hysteria. I don't know about you guys. Like Doug's parents were also like screamers. My mom was not a yes, screaming. There's a lot of screaming. So my mom was not a screamer, but she was a panicker. Similar to me. Wonder where you get it. I get it from my mother a thousand percent. So I get a call and she's like, Your dad has cancer. And I'm like, Okay. And basically she's like, he's gonna die. I'm like, okay, well, what kind of cancer is it? I don't know. But he's gonna die and I don't know what I'm gonna do. And it is one of those things, you guys, that she's not a selfish person, but she comes from this generation that you have to survive and no one's coming to save you. So as much as we like to say that happened to us, it did one thousand percent happen to them. That's why they parented it the way that they did. And that you need to learn how to fix this on your own. If you go to jail, you gotta bail yourself out, like That is that is something that I think was pretty profound. So long story short, I ended going home to take care of my dad and so that my mom could work full time because guess what? When he p spent his entire life working and paying into culinary health insurance, when he got a catastrophic illness and couldn't work, they canceled him. So he had no had no no plan at all. But I remember walking into the house for the first time and you guys, it looked like Miss Havisham's house. ⁓ Like, and if you don't know, read a book. But Google, Google a Miss Havishamp. So literally there was like there was dog poop and pee all over the floor. There was candy on the table. Like they have an entire dining room table full of candy from Christmas. It's now Easter. So there's also Easter candy on the table. And the blinds are so broken in the rooms. Like it look like It looked like Miss Havisham's house. And I was like, how did it like it was my first like douse of cold water that my parents had become the children. Yeah. Like they stopped picking up after themselves. They stopped doing basic bodily hygiene. And that happens for a lot of reasons. ⁓ usually it's illness, but also when one of your parents gets ill, the other can get depressed. And there was also an opioid addiction in this rela in this scenario. So there was There was so much happening, but it was my first like again, like a cold water bucket that these were not the parents I left. And I was now the only adult in the room. And I found myself being the fixer. And I I will do all this for free. I mean, I talked in the cold opening about how we paid their mortgage, right? But we couldn't Doug was like, we can't do this for long. Like we can help them out for a couple of months, but we can't. Do this every month, Lisa. Like we need to take over control of their money. And that was when that door closed. Like they didn't want anything to do with it, right? But it was, it wasn't really hard. So it was like that big role reversal, right? And I know that you are definitely living that and experiencing that now. What is something that your one or both of your parents have asked you for that you were if it were tables were turned, you would have had to figure it out on your own. it's hard to pinpoint because I've been doing so many different things and and I'm not the only one doing it. I mean there I definitely have siblings that are helping, ⁓ which is which is great. ⁓ I don't have the same problems. Okay. But I I was really sick back in the day. ⁓ I did have my own set of problems that I was always at the doctor and surgeries and things like that. So But we just like did it. We did it. And I think now it's you're re I'm realizing that it's just not that easy. I mean, I could just pop in the car and go take myself drive to surgery and like, you know, Uber home if I had to, you know, it's just kind of like a thing. But I think I think it's the fact that they're I'm trying to manage a schedule and doctor's appointments and And a lot of things that like I guess I just always had to manage myself. And so you realize that if tables were if things were different, ⁓ like I don't know who would do it for me. I'll do it for you. ⁓ you'll have to move you. But you know what I mean. I do know that's the biggest thing is I'm just n I'm realizing like, ⁓ my gosh, maybe there's not gonna be able to be like driving again. You know? Or or like I think what's hard too is like if if there's a memory problem. Like I've been trying to think about different ways that I can help support. Like, do you leave post its everywhere? Do you you know, I'm writing things down. I find myself writing things down, but then like if you don't look down, you're you're not gonna see it. Now that's also something that we should probably think about. ⁓ it happening to everyone like just this week. I had two people. I had two different appointments this week. I had a lot of appointments this week, but two separate ones. two separate ones. The two The two people commented on things happening with their parents and things that they had to make some pretty pretty big decisions or ⁓ or they're kind of going through the same thing. And I was just like, wow, that's just in this small little circle. Yeah. And they're making super major big decisions, like financial decisions, ⁓ you know, deciding when you put when you put your parent in a home, when a parent passes away and the an the other parent is left alone, like that's also another set of problems. Like you dealt with that, you know. You had to see that first hand and see what happened ⁓ when your father passed away. What was it for you? What was it like for you? As being a caretaker, not being a a person who was ever meant to be a caretaker. I wasn't expecting to ever have to do it. So I don't have kids. Doug is independent. I'm independent. We are we both have thrown our lives into what we do for a living. And I just never thought in a million years that I would end up taking care of anyone other than myself. And I know that there are people out there that never thought they would take care of anyone other than maybe their children or their pets. And part of that is again, I think the Gen X generation Is very like my parents never spoke to us about dying, about their like we heard about money problems all the time because they were terrible with money. Force the issue when my my mom was on her own after my dad passed away and she was selling her jewelry to pay bills, right? But would not let us see her checking account. So like this, this whole like resistance to help makes it real hard to help. Right. And then when you do help, they're like toddlers. Like they're like angry drunk toddlers. And it I just wasn't prepared conversation. I mean, I wasn't prepared for that. Like I was not prepared for my mom to lie to my face and tell me she didn't smoke in the house when there's still smoke in the bathroom. Yeah. You're a terrible still looming in the air. I'm like, you got like I know that you're lying to me. I look at our lives now. Doug won't talk about end of life. He won't talk about what we're gonna do if one of us gets dementia and the other one can't work. Right? He just he he will not have these conversations. It's just not something I can get him to talk about. So the good news is I'm gonna basically put him in the backyard and it's hookers and blow from there on out. As soon as he's gone. We're all gonna take a cruise and we're gonna come back. It's just like I'm gonna blow all his cash and I'm gonna be like, this is what you wanted. You wanted me to have every every whim met. Everything you yeah. This is your fault, right? But so did your parents ever talk about how to take care of them or what they wanted? Did you guys ever have that conversation? No, and I was actually thinking about this the other day when I mean there's just a you know, kind of a lot like piling up. And I was like, we never had that discussion. We never talked about like what they would want. I learned a lot too, like, do they want ⁓ do not resuscitate? What are their wishes there? And until it comes right down to it, you don't know what their wishes are. My mom never talked about it ever. She never said, if I were to pass away, you'll have to take care of all of these. children or anything like that. It was never like that. And but ⁓ but my mom also my mom also really struggled with her health as well. She wasn't well for many years. And and you would think that that would be when you would be like, okay, like this could this could turn into something bigger or or it the surgery could not go well and flip side. But yeah, we just never talked about like the end. See on the flip side. If you're sick, I mean that can cause depression. That can cause a lot of other things, right? Can cause it it can cause opioid addiction. It can cause like so many different things that you're that you don't even plan for. and I don't I just don't think they ever thought that they were gonna die. No. I don't think yeah. There was no money. Yeah. No, no. When Doug and I finally were like, Okay, mom, like this is enough. Like we have to get rid of this house or 'cause she wanted us to again wanted us to pay the bills, but still wanted to go gambling. Still wanted to like I mean, just hookers and blow. I mean, you know where I get it. Right? ⁓ but Doug found out that they had refinanced their house so much so that their house was like underwater by like three times. Like predatory lenders, all of that was coming too. Credit cards were all not Paid way over. ⁓ you know, just again, like this person that managed their whole their finances on their own independently their whole life, suddenly needed my help, but didn't want to like give me anything I needed to help them. So if like we I got together with the siblings, and that's the other piece of this, right? So it's not just you trying to manage this situation. Like when you're like, parent has cancer or your parent has Alzheimer's or dementia, it impacts everyone in the family, right? And when you are not prepared to be the caregiver, you're never been like me. You were never the adult in any room. No one ever came to me. It was like, hey Lisa, what should I do with like with my life? ⁓ or you know, should I marry this person? Never ever. My brother hopefully just laughed out loud that they would think I would ever ask that question or answer that question for them. And Like so many of us that are out there right now, we just are wholly unprepared. Either financially we can't help. Or like my brothers and I, when we got together, we were like, How are we gonna how are we gonna handle this? And both of my brothers were like, they can come and live with me, but I can't pay their medical bills. I can't pay I can't get them out of debt. And, you know, what if you're someone who's in a position where you can't even take on a a parent? Like, what are your options? Right. It's and it adds this stress. And it's so about how much the familial ties like get stretched to like breaking. It's a rubber band. It's like a rubber band. So when my dad passed away, my dad was very specific. He did not want a funeral. My mom was the same way. There's my parents, when someone died, they just like shoved him under the couch and moved on with their life. Like they never talked about it ever. It never acknowledged that they missed them. Nothing, not a word. So grief was not like a strong thing in my house. So when my dad passed, he said, I do not want a funeral. Well, my grandparents had moved to where we live to spend more time with my dad before he got sick. So they were there when he was sick. And as you can imagine, two you know, seventy, seventy-five, eighty year old people, they had very specific opinions about what they felt we should be doing, which I know you are personally experiencing right now. Right, is that there are those senior family members that are like, this is what we're gonna do. But if it were 1932, that would be a good option. But in 2026, it's not a good option. So so my grandparents insisted on having a funeral for my dad and then sent us pictures because I we refused. I wrote the obituary, we we s went and spread his ashes where he wanted to have his ashes spread. and said goodbye though and we were done and that was it. Well we get pictures in the mail that they went home, they bought a casket, they bought a grave site, no they bought a tombstone, misspelled his name on the tombstone. And I have not I did not speak to my grandparents since. This was back in two thousand and eight. And I they passed away in twenty twenty three and I've never spoke to them after that. Because those Those bonds, like they were so nasty to my mom because she wasn't letting them kind of have their way. And she was not going to participate in what they were doing because it's not what my dad wanted. It's not what she wanted. She had been living with an opioid addict for like four years. And that that's enough to kill you right there. And she was kind of relieved that that part was over. And they miss they misinterpreted that relief, right? So it got very, very toxic very, very quickly. And This is the stuff they don't give us a manual for this. No. No, Lisa, like and that brings up a good point about the like parents coming in. Like when you have adult children, like when do the parents of your parents Step aside and when do the children, right? Like take the reins? Or because if there's if there's both, they're they're never going to meet in the middle of constant strife. Constant strife. Constant constant ⁓ disagreements. You know, it's kind of like, well, he's or, you know, your mom's my child or your dad's my child, and so I want it this way. But then the children are actually the ones like doing the heavy lifting, right? It's such a crazy dynamic. Two sets of people that don't think they need your help. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But they're making you help them. Right. Right. An expectation that you'll just be there to help. So what happens when you're someone like I am realizing through through this experience that even though I I'm the oldest and I should just like step up and like do all the things. I'm not a good caretaker. I'm just not. It's not who I am. I think for some people, it really is. And they find they fill their they fill their cup by doing this. Yes. And so I'm I'm definitely feeling like I we could have probably handled the situation a little bit better, like organizing the siblings on where their strengths were. Like, duh, like what was I thinking? Like we could have all got together and said, This is what I can do, this is what you can do. And so there's not like finger pointing of like you're not doing this, or you're doing more, you know, or I want I want to do this, but you do it. And I think we could have handled it maybe better in the beginning to just be like, hey. This particular sibling Can't isn't gonna be the one that will be there if when you're sick or whatever. But they will they'll do other things. Like, I mean, I can cook, I can clean, I can do a lot of things, but ⁓ yeah, it's when the siblings start to like go at each other too, about and and everybody handles stress differently. Like, ⁓ I'm trying to remember that. I'm trying to remember like. you know, they're all feeling scared too, and they're all feeling sad too. And they're all I mean, they're all confused too. They didn't get a handbook either. And we're spread all apart. We're not all in the same town. And so I think, you know, just kind of trying to find that that way to keep your siblings together because, It's like it can get World War Three vibes. I did not talk to my grandparents for the ten years after my dad died before they died, because I was like, You guys are a bunch of assholes and no one asked for this. Like I was so defensive of my mom. These are the types of things that can happen and this is how we get overwhelmed, right? And the one consistent factor in all of these conversations that we're having, you and I are having about your current situation. That I had with my family, that all of our friends, I have three friends whose dads have dementia and like full dementia, where like they're having to be put away in a full-time care facility. You know, I have another friend whose spouse has cancer. And I have another friend, like we all have something like this. And it yes, it might be our age, but like I said, there's a lot of millennials. ⁓ and one is a gen alpha that's actually kind of like again, abruptly responsible for this stuff that was not prepared. Essentially what Lisa and I've decided is we need to go find an adult in the room to help us kind of talk to you guys about some of this stuff. So we are going to talk about help I need an adult cancer, help I need an adult dementia, help I need an adult money. Like what do I do with my family's finances? How am I supposed to make sure that their bills are paid and that they don't get evicted if they don't let me see their checking account? Yeah. Or don't even let you like access their account at all. Like, yeah. Correct. So it's, you know, we're we're working on this and it's not gonna take over the podcast. We're gonna try to do it as a mini-series. So you guys will be seeing them as guests are kind enough to make themselves available to us. We will definitely have them on the pod and be talking about these things. So if there's something, you know, that you guys definitely want us to cover, make sure you put it in Instagram, make sure you put it in the chat. ⁓ for me, The high five that I have from all of these experiences is where do my parents get it right? You know, because they were my best friends. Like I loved my parents and I love my brothers. Like we are a very tight family. ⁓ and I would do anything for them at any time. They were my unconditional love that I had in my life. And so one of the things that my mom did that I I can't say is not a high five as to when I was a kid, was that she taught me to be brave. Right. Because she may not have told me, like, hey, here's how you make food for yourself, or hey, I'm not gonna be home for the next twelve or fourteen hours, or ⁓ hey, you're sick, stay home, ⁓ and take care of yourself. Hopefully you don't die when I'm at work. But I had this situation when I was in the sixth grade. We both have sixth grade stories today. ⁓ I was relentlessly bullied because I was a fat kid who didn't care that I was fat. I still thought I was awesome, much like today. And and so people just they would do anything they could to tear that down for whatever reason. And that's another podcast episode. But I got bullied by this kid and my dad was adamant that I fight back. Like you don't come home. If you get hit one more time and you don't hit back, don't come home. Like legit. And my brothers were out there going, Yup. And he felt it was really important that you stand up for yourself. More important than anything else in the world. My mom not so much, but my mom was very brave and she always had been very brave. My mom was five foot tall. She was first generation US with two Italian parents who did not speak English. And her dad died with fourteen children. Wow. And he was gone. It was just her immigrant mother who did not who was learning English but did not work. Wow. And all the kids had to like rally. So she's very brave. She was a beauty contestant as well. ⁓ but she took no shit. We were doing a production at sixth grades. I got bullied in line. Well, I turned around and just beat the ever loving shit out of this kid to the point where I was pulled off of him because I was like slamming his head into the concrete. Like I just came unfurled. And I got into a lot of trouble for that, clearly. And so I got locked in a closet because the assembly was happening. And it's, you know, they couldn't stop the assembly for one kid. So they took me and put me in a closet and locked me in a closet. ⁓ dear, that's a that's that's abusive. Well, these days. But when we were kids, you could do whatever the hell you wanted to do to kids in school. True, I guess. I guess. And so I'm sitting in this closet and I'm terrified I'm gonna get in trouble. And to this day I still don't like to get in trouble. And then I hear I hear what I think sounds like my mom. And I'm like, my parents never came to my assemblies because they happened during school, dad, like work hours. They had to work or sleep so they could go. And and I could swear I hear her and she is screaming. And I'm like, I am in trouble. Like it's like the blood drains out of your face. My mom is here and she is mad. And then I hear her say, if you don't tell me where my fucking kid is, you're gonna be picking yourself up off the ground. And this lady, the one who locked me in the closet, is like, well, she's right here. So my mom's like, get her the fuck out of that closet. And I'm pretty sure she had a cigarette in her hand. Like, like, and so that my mom was, by the way, was five foot tall, like teeny tiny little lady. Uh-huh. And she she had hair like Vera Fawcett, blue eyeshadow, green eyes, the whole nine yards. And this woman pulls open the closet. She's like, ⁓ she's right here, but you know, she started a fight and my mom's like, if you had been paying any goddamn attention, which was her favorite two words in the vocabulary, you would know she's been being bullied by that prick. And I'm glad that she beat that kid up. But how dare you put my kid in a closet? I came I took off work to be here to watch her in the show, and you put her in a goddamn closet? Get the fuck out of my way. She's like, Come on, Lisa and I'm like Thinking I'm like gonna get yelled at. She's like, let's go get some ice cream. Nice. So you got to skip the assembly altogether? I skipped school. I never went back to school that day. But the next day when like we went and got ice cream. I was like waiting for it. Like in ⁓ a Christmas story. Like you're waiting for the parent to like draw draw and she was like, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm proud of you for not continuing to let this person bully you and belittle you because you are an amazing person. And sometimes, Lisa, when you don't feel like you can be brave, is when you have to be brave. Like today, I didn't want to go in there and yell at that woman, but I was going to take her life from her if she didn't tell me where she hid you. And she's like, and that's just the way life goes sometimes. Sometimes you just have to like Kick some ass to get what you want. That was the lesson that like I walked away with. But I think you live your life like that, though. I think you live your life like that. And they've they've definitely taught you a lot of really great qualities. So listen, guys. So everybody who told us to figure it out is now asking you to figure it out. Yeah. And These are weird, hard places to be in, right? So as you're listening to today's episode, if you're thinking or watching us on YouTube, if you're thinking about this thing that you were just asked to do, that you're like, I cannot believe they asked me to do that, drop it in the chat. We want to hear about it. That is your call to action to let us know, to give us a response. And then remember, you guys, you can't fill from an empty cup, right? So make sure you hydrate, roll your shoulders back. Unclench that jaw and go high five somebody. It's all gonna be fine. Lisa and I, we're gonna go look for an adult. Trying to help us out. All right. Okay, guys, thanks so much. Have a great week. Bye.