Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Guiding Kids Through Sexual Curiosity

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Guiding Kids Through Sexual Curiosity · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Quick heads up.
0:09
Speaker 1: While not explicit, the content of today's podcast does touch.
0:13
Speaker 2: On things that are sexual in nature.
0:16
Speaker 1: That means that if you're listening with younger kids, you
0:18
Speaker 1: might want to press pause, find something else for them
0:20
Speaker 1: to listen to, and come back to this one a
0:22
Speaker 1: little bit later.
0:23
Speaker 2: Just a heads up.
0:24
Speaker 1: The content of today's podcast, while not explicit, does include
0:28
Speaker 1: some discussion of things that are slightly sexual in nature. Okay,
0:33
Speaker 1: so what do you do when your eleven year old
0:38
Speaker 1: daughter announces that she's a lesbian at the same time
0:41
Speaker 1: that five of her friends have all announced that they
0:43
Speaker 1: are It's all happening in the same month. A listener
0:46
Speaker 1: said us a voice note and asked if we could
0:50
Speaker 1: please discuss something that schools won't talk about and most
0:53
Speaker 1: parents are too afraid to mention girls, pornography and the
0:56
Speaker 1: mass confusion happening right now around sexual identity. Noticed this
1:00
Speaker 1: pattern if you've felt not in your stomach watching it
1:03
Speaker 1: and fold and thinking they're too young, do they really
1:06
Speaker 1: know what they're doing? Why is it all happening to
1:08
Speaker 1: so many of them at once rather than just one
1:09
Speaker 1: here and one there. If you've wondered whether you're the
1:12
Speaker 1: only one seeing it. You're not alone, and we will
1:15
Speaker 1: talk about it. Stay with us every Tuesday on the
1:20
Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast. We answer your tricky questions and today
1:23
Speaker 1: it's a doozy. Oh my goodness, what do you do
1:25
Speaker 1: when you're eleven year old tells you that she's identifying
1:28
Speaker 1: as a lesbian. Hello and welcome to the Happy Family's podcast,
1:31
Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded
1:34
Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Tricky questions,
1:38
Speaker 1: we'll answer anything, or do our very best to do
1:41
Speaker 1: that sensitively, carefully and appropriately, considering your child's developmental circumstances,
1:46
Speaker 1: your family and everything else that we can, recognizing that
1:49
Speaker 1: the answers are general in context. If you'd like to
1:51
Speaker 1: submit a tricky question, we've got a super simple system
1:54
Speaker 1: for you. Just go to Happy Families dot com dot
1:56
Speaker 1: you scrolled out of podcasts, click the record button and
1:59
Speaker 1: start talking. Or alternatively, you can send us a voice note,
2:03
Speaker 1: which is exactly what Melia did when she asked us this.
2:08
Speaker 3: Hi, Justin. I'm trying to keep this really short, but
2:10
Speaker 3: it's almost impossible. I just want to talk about girls
2:13
Speaker 3: and pornography. There's so much going on about boys right now,
2:16
Speaker 3: but there's stuff going on at the moment, especially through
2:18
Speaker 3: our school that's not being talked about. You have so
2:22
Speaker 3: many girls identifying as lesbians or binary. These girls are
2:26
Speaker 3: watching so much same sex anime on their devices that
2:31
Speaker 3: they are having normal body reactions to seeing sexual content.
2:37
Speaker 3: It is normal for a woman to have a sensation
2:40
Speaker 3: or a bodily reaction to same sex pornography. But because
2:43
Speaker 3: we've got material, brains and adults, we know that we're not.
2:47
Speaker 3: So it is happening a lot. I don't think it's
2:49
Speaker 3: talked about the link between girls watching female pornographies, especially
2:54
Speaker 3: in anime, and then then being confused with their own identity,
2:57
Speaker 3: which is then causing anxiety, depression, self harming. It's happening
3:01
Speaker 3: so much, and I honestly personally know about probably eleven
3:06
Speaker 3: girls that were at ten eleven year old saying that
3:09
Speaker 3: they were lesbians. I think it needs to be talked
3:11
Speaker 3: about more. I hope all this makes sense.
3:14
Speaker 2: Thanks, Okay, Kylie.
3:16
Speaker 1: There's a lot there to unpack, and I want to
3:19
Speaker 1: make this as helpful as I possibly can, because it's
3:22
Speaker 1: clear that there's a lot of emotion as well. Is
3:24
Speaker 1: there anything that jumps out at you straight away?
3:27
Speaker 4: I do love that she's highlighted that there is a
3:30
Speaker 4: lot of emphasis around pornography and boys, and just her
3:35
Speaker 4: acknowledgment that girls are having exposure to this kind of
3:39
Speaker 4: content as well, and just how damaging it is to
3:43
Speaker 4: the way they identify as an individual. Let's take gender
3:47
Speaker 4: out of the equation, let's take preference out of the equation,
3:49
Speaker 4: but just in general, how they see themselves, how they
3:54
Speaker 4: respond to the world, and how they're unable to process
3:58
Speaker 4: it because it's not developmentally appropriate.
4:01
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is the key thing.
4:04
Speaker 1: There are all sorts of questions and challenges and concerns
4:06
Speaker 1: that we could raise, but fundamentally, when we're talking about
4:08
Speaker 1: ten eleven year old girls, it is true that even
4:12
Speaker 1: from a young age, some people will identify with one
4:15
Speaker 1: or another sexual orientation, but at this age for it
4:19
Speaker 1: to be clustering and for a whole group to be
4:21
Speaker 1: identifying the same way, that is unusual, and that certainly
4:24
Speaker 1: indicates that there's other factors at play. So let's step
4:29
Speaker 1: into this. First off, I want to highlight from just
4:32
Speaker 1: just listen to what Melissa says, or the way she's
4:35
Speaker 1: asked the question. It really does take courage to address
4:38
Speaker 1: something that a lot of parents are willing to say,
4:41
Speaker 1: I've noticed it, but they feel afraid to discuss. And
4:44
Speaker 1: Melissa is identifying something that research has shown is a
4:47
Speaker 1: real pattern. And therefore, while we live in a pluralistic
4:53
Speaker 1: society and a society that is very accepting and tolerant,
4:56
Speaker 1: well generally speaking, at this age, I think that some
4:59
Speaker 1: can concerned for these young girls is both evident in
5:03
Speaker 1: Meliss's voice note but also justified. So what's actually happening
5:07
Speaker 1: unless it's touched on something that deserves I think, really
5:10
Speaker 1: plain speech, and that is the difference between a physiological
5:13
Speaker 1: response and a person's actual sexual orientation.
5:18
Speaker 2: This is really hard.
5:20
Speaker 1: I just as a red blooded male, is it completely
5:24
Speaker 1: as heterosexual as you can get kind of guy?
5:28
Speaker 2: I was shocked. I was absolutely stunned.
5:30
Speaker 1: When I was doing my psychology degree and the topic
5:32
Speaker 1: of pornography and pornography research came up and we were
5:36
Speaker 1: shown evidence that young men who identify as heterosexual experience
5:41
Speaker 1: higher levels of arousal when they see homosexual pornography than
5:47
Speaker 1: if they see heterosexual pornography, and so that physiological response
5:52
Speaker 1: is not a reflection of sexual orientation. It's just that
5:55
Speaker 1: when you encounter highly sexualized content, what that does is
6:01
Speaker 1: it gives you an experience, and if it's content that
6:03
Speaker 1: you're not used to seeing, whether you like it or not,
6:06
Speaker 1: it creates a stronger physiological response. And so when you've
6:10
Speaker 1: got ten and eleven year old girls who are who
6:12
Speaker 1: are being exposed to, whether it's intentional or unintentional explicit
6:15
Speaker 1: content or whether they're just watching anime and manga that
6:17
Speaker 1: romanticizes quite a lot of female same sex relationships. And
6:21
Speaker 1: when girls are seeing this highly sexualized content, they don't
6:24
Speaker 1: have the developmental maturity, They don't have the sexual maturity
6:27
Speaker 1: to contextualize what they're experiencing.
6:31
Speaker 4: I think one of the most important things we can
6:33
Speaker 4: do to help our children navigate the space, whether they're
6:35
Speaker 4: boys or girls, is helping them to understand how their
6:39
Speaker 4: body responds.
6:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's exactly right, Like.
6:41
Speaker 4: This is a physiological response. As an eleven year old,
6:44
Speaker 4: there is no orientation because they're not developmentally ready for that.
6:50
Speaker 1: When I was writing My Boy's book, I don't know
6:51
Speaker 1: we're talking about girls here, but it's the same for
6:53
Speaker 1: boys or girls. Average agent exposure to pornography. We think
6:55
Speaker 1: somewhere around about the age of eleven first kiss, usually
6:58
Speaker 1: somewhere around fourteen or fifteen. Kids are seeing explicit content,
7:03
Speaker 1: or they're seeing representations of what could be explicit through
7:06
Speaker 1: manger and anime three four years before they're having their
7:10
Speaker 1: first sexual contact. Like I said, there are some people
7:13
Speaker 1: who will say that in their bones, they just knew
7:17
Speaker 1: that they were either hetero or homosexual from a young age.
7:20
Speaker 1: I mean, the reality is, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority
7:23
Speaker 1: of kids are heterosexual. But there are some people who
7:26
Speaker 1: will say, even when I was a kid, I knew
7:27
Speaker 1: that I was gay, for example. But when we are
7:30
Speaker 1: being exposed to this, it can create.
7:32
Speaker 2: This physiological response.
7:35
Speaker 1: When our kids are exposed to or it creates a
7:36
Speaker 1: physiological response that may cause them to question their identity
7:39
Speaker 1: when they're simply having a physiological response. And that's the
7:41
Speaker 1: key thing that I want to get across here. I'm
7:43
Speaker 1: not highlighting that anything is right, wrong, good, bad. There's
7:46
Speaker 1: no morality in what I'm saying. I'm simply distinguishing or
7:49
Speaker 1: wanting parents to distinguish between the physiological response to the
7:53
Speaker 1: sexual imagery the autonomic response and emphasized that it is
7:57
Speaker 1: not diagnostic, it's not predictive. When eleven year old experiences
8:01
Speaker 1: aroused from same sex content has no framework to understand it,
8:05
Speaker 1: then that may lead to her forming conclusions about her identity,
8:10
Speaker 1: like definitions about her identity, and in the absence of
8:13
Speaker 1: any adult guidance to help it distinguish between curiosity and
8:16
Speaker 1: a physiological response and her actual orientation, she's left to
8:20
Speaker 1: interpret these very complicated feelings in a really unusual context
8:25
Speaker 1: with the understanding of a ten or eleven year old.
8:27
Speaker 1: And that's really what my concern is here. This is
8:31
Speaker 1: where I think the problem lies.
8:34
Speaker 4: So I know we're talking about eleven year olds here,
8:36
Speaker 4: but too many times you hear in cases where there
8:40
Speaker 4: has been some violation taking place and boys will say
8:44
Speaker 4: she wanted it because there was a physiological response for resent.
8:50
Speaker 4: In girls, that meant she she clearly was turned on.
8:55
Speaker 2: Right, which is int the case.
8:56
Speaker 1: Just because your body is producing a lubricant, for example,
9:00
Speaker 1: that does not mean that you are necessarily aroused and
9:03
Speaker 1: seeking that Like the physiological response and.
9:07
Speaker 4: The understanding how our bodies respond to stimulus, regardless of desire,
9:13
Speaker 4: regardless of orientation, is so imperative and as parents, as
9:18
Speaker 4: we're navigating the space where our children are living in
9:22
Speaker 4: a world where they're told they can be anything they want.
9:26
Speaker 4: It is the most mind boggling place to be as
9:30
Speaker 4: a little kid experiencing the world for the first time,
9:34
Speaker 4: let alone having all of the boundaries now removed.
9:37
Speaker 1: Well, particularly given what some schools are teaching from a
9:41
Speaker 1: sexual education perspective, it can be very it's a very
9:44
Speaker 1: very confusing time. That again, though, that idea of what
9:47
Speaker 1: the body is doing is not a reflection of the desire,
9:50
Speaker 1: the emotional, the psychological side of things, and they.
9:53
Speaker 4: Don't have the understanding of the experience to recognize them.
9:56
Speaker 1: But that even ties back to what I was talking
9:58
Speaker 1: about with the young men adult young men who are
10:01
Speaker 1: exposed to erotic content involving other men. There's no desire
10:07
Speaker 1: there for them. They identify as heterosexual, but there's still
10:11
Speaker 1: a physiological response. And yet some of them may start
10:13
Speaker 1: to go, oh, well, maybe that means that I'm not heterosexual.
10:17
Speaker 2: Not necessarily the case at all.
10:18
Speaker 1: Simply the body is having an autonomic response, a physiological
10:22
Speaker 1: response that's totally different. Right off the break, I want
10:24
Speaker 1: to talk about what parents can do why it matters,
10:26
Speaker 1: and also the social contagient element. Stay with us. Okay,
10:37
Speaker 1: this is the Happy Families podcast. Pretty tough topic today,
10:39
Speaker 1: a lot to get through in just a couple of
10:41
Speaker 1: minutes to do it. I want to talk about the
10:43
Speaker 1: social contagent element of Melissa's question. So, what we're describing
10:47
Speaker 1: when we see a whole lot of kids clustering with
10:50
Speaker 1: the same diagnosis, of the same label, the same this
10:53
Speaker 1: is who I am, the same identity. What we're talking
10:56
Speaker 1: about here is social contagion much more than orientation itself.
10:59
Speaker 1: And so we've got a whole bunch of kids that
11:00
Speaker 1: are prematurely adopting their sexual identity within their friend group.
11:04
Speaker 1: When several girls in a peer group suddenly identifies lesbion
11:06
Speaker 1: or non binary simultaneously, often around the ages of ten
11:09
Speaker 1: through to fourteen fifteen, we do need to be honest
11:12
Speaker 1: about what we're witnessing.
11:13
Speaker 3: Now.
11:13
Speaker 1: It's true that one or more of them may actually
11:16
Speaker 1: be homosexually oriented rather than heterosexually oriented, But what we
11:22
Speaker 1: if there is a pattern of unrestricted access to sexualized content,
11:26
Speaker 1: whether it's anime or manger or actually explicit content that's
11:29
Speaker 1: been designed for adult audiences where there's peer reinforcement, so
11:33
Speaker 1: adopting the identity brings social status or belonging or a
11:36
Speaker 1: sense of specialness. We see a lot of that with
11:38
Speaker 1: some kids who identify as trans and again that clusters
11:41
Speaker 1: as well if there's a lot of adult affirmation, that
11:45
Speaker 1: affirmation approach without any questioning, without any inquiry, adults who
11:49
Speaker 1: are celebrating these declarations, without any kind of questioning about
11:53
Speaker 1: what the child actually means and understands, and if there's
11:56
Speaker 1: the absence of any alternative framework, so no one's no
12:00
Speaker 1: one's telling these girls that confusion around sexual identity can
12:05
Speaker 1: be quite normal.
12:06
Speaker 2: They don't need a label, and that childhood.
12:07
Speaker 1: Supposed to be a time of not having everything figured out.
12:10
Speaker 1: If you have those those four or five things occurring
12:14
Speaker 1: in that pattern, what you're typically going to see is
12:17
Speaker 1: kids labeling themselves because of a physiological response or because
12:20
Speaker 1: of their curiosity, driving them to more and more of
12:23
Speaker 1: that kind of content.
12:24
Speaker 2: I think it's a really important thing to highlight when.
12:27
Speaker 4: I think back to some of the conversations we had
12:29
Speaker 4: with our kids when they were quite young, coming home
12:32
Speaker 4: because they were curious. And one day one of our
12:36
Speaker 4: girls came home and she said mom, two of the
12:39
Speaker 4: kids at school were sexing and I looked at her
12:42
Speaker 4: and I said what. And I was ready to get
12:45
Speaker 4: like really worked up about it. And I said, what's sexing?
12:48
Speaker 4: And she said, you know, when they're like pushing their
12:50
Speaker 4: lips together. And I was like, holy smokes, I was
12:53
Speaker 4: about to launch into this massive conversation with her about
12:58
Speaker 4: what it all was. Didn't need to know because.
13:01
Speaker 2: It wasn't yeah, and she was way too young to know.
13:03
Speaker 4: And she was way too young to know. And I
13:05
Speaker 4: think that when we're talking about ten eleven year and
13:07
Speaker 4: even twelve thirteen, fourteen year old kids, we actually need
13:10
Speaker 4: to have conversations with them about how and why, and
13:13
Speaker 4: we can talk to them about physical body responses and
13:18
Speaker 4: how our bodies work. Those kinds of conversations are going
13:23
Speaker 4: to really help us to understand where our children are
13:25
Speaker 4: at instead of affirming something that we don't actually know
13:30
Speaker 4: at this point in time.
13:31
Speaker 1: So let's be really explicit about this. This is not
13:34
Speaker 1: about invalidating anyone's genuine orientation. What this is about, this
13:38
Speaker 1: conversation is about protecting children from locking into an identity
13:42
Speaker 1: label before they've developed the maturity to understand what those
13:46
Speaker 1: labels really mean and before they understand the social and
13:49
Speaker 1: the medical pathways that they might be pressured to follow
13:55
Speaker 1: if they adopt those labels. So the anxiety, the depression
13:58
Speaker 1: is self harm. That Melissa's talking is often a sign
14:02
Speaker 1: of really significant confusion in children who have been handed
14:04
Speaker 1: these adult concepts through the content that they're viewing and
14:07
Speaker 1: then encouraged to build their identity around them, and then
14:11
Speaker 1: they're all too often left to navigate the psychological consequences
14:13
Speaker 1: completely alone. And we are watching mainly girls. It doesn't
14:18
Speaker 1: happen so much with boys. We're mainly watching girls disappear
14:21
Speaker 1: into identity confusion at precisely an age where they should
14:25
Speaker 1: be developing confidence in who they are as people, rather
14:29
Speaker 1: than these little fragments of I think I'm this because
14:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to take this sexual label and apply it
14:34
Speaker 1: to myself.
14:36
Speaker 4: So big topic, heavy conversations, but what are parents are
14:39
Speaker 4: actually supposed to do?
14:41
Speaker 1: So I always start my response to that question on
14:44
Speaker 1: this topic by talking about screens. We've got to control
14:48
Speaker 1: access to devices and me, I mean, we're talking about
14:51
Speaker 1: ten year olds and eleven year olds here. If you
14:53
Speaker 1: have a ten year old who has unlimited unfettered, unmonitored
14:56
Speaker 1: Internet access. What you've done is you've given her a
15:00
Speaker 1: adore into an adult galaxy with limited supervision. I'm not
15:03
Speaker 1: talking about being controlling. I'm actually talking about being in controller.
15:05
Speaker 1: Actually maybe it is a bit controlling. So we need
15:08
Speaker 1: to make sure that there are parental controls, check them regularly,
15:10
Speaker 1: keep devices out of bedrooms at night, keep screens in
15:13
Speaker 1: common areas. Frankly, if you've got a ten year old,
15:16
Speaker 1: she shouldn't have a smartphone, she shouldn't have a smart device.
15:18
Speaker 1: Just I don't think that it's appropriate, full stop, end
15:23
Speaker 1: of story. You're going to get major pushback and you're
15:25
Speaker 1: going to be told that she's the only one that's fine.
15:29
Speaker 2: Stand firm. You're the parent.
15:30
Speaker 1: So that's the first thing. Second thing that I would
15:32
Speaker 1: say is if these conversations are happening, you want to
15:35
Speaker 1: have the conversations without judgment, but also without automatic affirmation.
15:40
Speaker 1: The Australian Psychological Society pushes for affirmation and affirmative responses.
15:43
Speaker 1: What they argue for I think they're wrong. I disagree
15:46
Speaker 1: profoundly with that. You're talking about a ten or eleven
15:49
Speaker 1: year old. You're not just going to say, well, if
15:50
Speaker 1: that's what you say, then that's what it is. If
15:52
Speaker 1: your daughter is identifying as lesbian or non binary, you
15:55
Speaker 1: don't need a panic, you don't need to dismiss it.
15:57
Speaker 1: But you also don't have to automatically say, well, if
15:59
Speaker 1: that's why, but you say you are, then that's what
16:01
Speaker 1: you are.
16:02
Speaker 2: The current script.
16:04
Speaker 1: Tells us to celebrate it, to affirm it. I think
16:09
Speaker 1: it's safer too.
16:10
Speaker 2: Well.
16:11
Speaker 1: My preference would be to resist initially, But if you're
16:13
Speaker 1: not comfortable resisting, I'd say, at least ask questions with
16:17
Speaker 1: genuine curiosity. What does that mean to you? What made
16:20
Speaker 1: you start thinking about this? How long have you felt
16:22
Speaker 1: this way? Have your friends been talking about it too?
16:25
Speaker 1: What do you think being lesbian means? What do you
16:27
Speaker 1: think being non binary means? And you'll find, just like
16:31
Speaker 1: you found Kylie with the sexing versus kissing comment, that
16:34
Speaker 1: what she's saying and what she actually understands usually going
16:37
Speaker 1: to be two different things.
16:39
Speaker 4: But not only that, it's normal.
16:41
Speaker 2: To be curious totally.
16:43
Speaker 4: It's so normal to be curious. I remember a conversation
16:46
Speaker 4: we had with our now twenty two year old. She
16:48
Speaker 4: was six, and she looked at me and she said,
16:51
Speaker 4: I am never having children, like she was dead serious,
16:57
Speaker 4: never going to happen. Well, we're now twenty two, we've
16:59
Speaker 4: had some life life experience, and she's looking forward to
17:02
Speaker 4: being a mum. But if she'd made.
17:04
Speaker 1: A permanent not anytime soon, I'm like, quickly at not
17:06
Speaker 1: anytime soon.
17:07
Speaker 2: There are no plans in the works.
17:08
Speaker 4: But if she'd made a permanent decision as a six
17:10
Speaker 4: year old to ensure that she didn't ever go down
17:14
Speaker 4: that road, she would never have the opportunity to mature
17:17
Speaker 4: and understand and experience life in a different way from
17:21
Speaker 4: a different viewpoint.
17:22
Speaker 1: And it's that too though, like six year of course,
17:25
Speaker 1: But once they get to twelve, thirteen, fourteen, people start saying,
17:27
Speaker 1: oh no, they can do No, they can't.
17:29
Speaker 2: They can't drive, they can't drink alcohol, they can't.
17:31
Speaker 4: Modify them adults for a reason.
17:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right.
17:34
Speaker 1: Okay, we've got to I want to run through a
17:35
Speaker 1: couple more really quickly, and our time is up. So
17:38
Speaker 1: teach the difference between feelings and identity. What do I
17:40
Speaker 1: mean by that? I mean help her understand that the
17:42
Speaker 1: physical response is that she's happening, the attraction, the confusion
17:45
Speaker 1: that comes and goes, especially during puberty. This is a
17:48
Speaker 1: time where that happens. Identity is something that develops over
17:51
Speaker 1: time through and you use these words before, through lived experience.
17:55
Speaker 1: It's not something that you rush into at eleven based
17:56
Speaker 1: on a bodily reaction to anime or manga.
17:59
Speaker 4: It's interesting to me though, like when I was growing up,
18:02
Speaker 4: that normal curiosity was there, right.
18:04
Speaker 2: And everybody said, oh, that's normal to be curious.
18:07
Speaker 4: No, but if a girl kissed a girl because she
18:08
Speaker 4: was curious, it wasn't a knee jerk jump reaction she
18:12
Speaker 4: must be a lesbian. It was she kissed a girl
18:14
Speaker 4: because she was curious.
18:15
Speaker 3: Right.
18:16
Speaker 4: But now we're at this point where we have all
18:19
Speaker 4: of these children confused and trying to work out who
18:23
Speaker 4: they are in a world that they're not ready to
18:26
Speaker 4: live in.
18:27
Speaker 1: So I'd be saying normalized not knowing, normalize waiting, normalize
18:31
Speaker 1: the idea that childhood and adolescents are supposed to be
18:33
Speaker 1: periods of exploration without permanent declarations of identity.
18:37
Speaker 4: Yeah, we're not saying you are or you are not correct,
18:40
Speaker 4: but let's just take some time.
18:42
Speaker 2: Yeah you don't have to lock it in. Yeah, lock
18:44
Speaker 2: it in, Eddie, lock it in.
18:45
Speaker 1: Who has to be a millionaire who I could say
18:48
Speaker 1: something else, but I'm going to move on. There are
18:49
Speaker 1: two more that I want to highlight. I think that
18:51
Speaker 1: we've really got to watch for peer influence and address
18:53
Speaker 1: it directly. So if there's a whole bunch of friends
18:55
Speaker 1: that are adopting similar identities simultaneously, that is a red
18:58
Speaker 1: flag and we need to address it. So, I mean,
19:02
Speaker 1: it's social pressure. It's not organically discovering who I am.
19:05
Speaker 1: This is social pressure wearing a costume of authenticity and celebration.
19:13
Speaker 1: Here's a script, gently explore it like this, I've noticed
19:16
Speaker 1: several of your friends have started identifying as lesbian on
19:18
Speaker 1: non binary about the same time as you. Why do
19:21
Speaker 1: you think that is? What's going on with that? Do
19:23
Speaker 1: you feel like you'd fit in less if you didn't
19:25
Speaker 1: identify that way? Okay, So there's a script around that
19:29
Speaker 1: that can be helpful because sometimes just naming the pattern
19:32
Speaker 1: is enough to help her to see it. And if
19:34
Speaker 1: you discover that her not being straight is a form
19:37
Speaker 1: of social currency in the peer group, then it's time
19:40
Speaker 1: to have bigger discussions, diversify the social circle, find different friends,
19:44
Speaker 1: or at least have conversations about what's actually going on
19:46
Speaker 1: in the peer group. Here's the last one that I
19:48
Speaker 1: want to highlight. We need to limit exposure and be
19:52
Speaker 1: honest about why. So what do mean by that? Say
19:56
Speaker 1: something like this, you're not ready for sexual content yet.
19:58
Speaker 1: It's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's because
20:00
Speaker 1: your brain still developing.
20:02
Speaker 2: And this is.
20:03
Speaker 1: Material that's been put together to affect adults in certain ways,
20:08
Speaker 1: and if you encounter it now, it's going to create
20:10
Speaker 1: confusion that you are just not equipped to handle. When
20:13
Speaker 1: you're older, you'll have the maturity in the context to
20:15
Speaker 1: make sense of things that are just going to mess
20:17
Speaker 1: with your head right now, and you can even encourage
20:19
Speaker 1: I don't want you to look at it when you're
20:21
Speaker 1: older either, but at least when you're older, you'll be
20:23
Speaker 1: you'll have a much greater sense of who you are.
20:26
Speaker 1: And then you've got to enforce it. Check the browser history,
20:29
Speaker 1: monitor the apps, know what she's watching. If you discover
20:32
Speaker 1: that she's been accessing pornography or highly sexualized content through
20:35
Speaker 1: anime or manga, you've got to address it immediately. You're
20:38
Speaker 1: not getting it in trouble, you're not stealing devices away. Well,
20:40
Speaker 1: maybe you are eventually but certainly with clarity about why
20:43
Speaker 1: it's harmful and what the consequences should be. So they're
20:48
Speaker 1: kind of my big ideas, Kylie. Ultimately, as a parent,
20:53
Speaker 1: you've got to set boundaries, especially with kids at a
20:55
Speaker 1: ten or eleven, but even twelve thirteen, fourteen fifteen, the
20:59
Speaker 1: pattern exist. Lots of parents are identifying it. I can't
21:02
Speaker 1: tell you how many parents have sidled up to me
21:04
Speaker 1: after a presentation and whispered what's going on with this?
21:07
Speaker 1: And then they've highlighted these kinds of issues and this
21:09
Speaker 1: has brought up She's sort of said the bit that
21:10
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to say out loud, out loud, and
21:13
Speaker 1: hopefully we've been sensitive today and also highlighted that we
21:17
Speaker 1: want our children to take their time before they lock
21:18
Speaker 1: in an identity. The girls need parents to be available
21:23
Speaker 1: to have those hard conversations and guide them carefully.
21:27
Speaker 2: We're way over time. We need to wrap it up.
21:30
Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
21:32
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21:36
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Speaker 2: Record and start talking.
21:48
Speaker 1: Another tricky question next week on the Happy Families Podcast tomorrow.
21:52
Speaker 1: And interview with Jackie NeSSI from the Technosapien Substack, my
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Speaker 1: brand new favorite substack as we talk about kids.
21:59
Speaker 2: Tech, and more on the Happy Families podcast
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