Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #85: Do You Have an Orchid Child? 3 Ways to Help Sensitive Adult Children LAUNCH

Transcript

#85: Do You Have an Orchid Child? 3 Ways to Help Sensitive Adult Children LAUNCH · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling to become independent, responsible, confident, and motivated.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: So many of these young adults lack direction and purpose, and because of that, they keep to themselves, hiding from the world and from the very people who love them the most.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: You.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: You are the one person they need for guidance, unconditional love, for feeling safe and accepted.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere along the line, your connection has broken, and it's time to find your way back to them.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you've been listening for a while or it's your first time here, you're in the right place.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You'll get expert advice, professional guidance, personal insights, and actionable steps offered by therapists, authors, young adults, and occasionally for me.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can't stress this enough.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Rebuilding your relationship, reconnecting with your adult is the foundation to guiding your son or daughter toward a more fulfilling life.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, I'd like to share a really interesting analogy with you that will get you thinking about your young adult, how you've been managing them, and perhaps how to approach them differently.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I thought of it after speaking with a mom of a 28-year-old who said to me, as many parents have, my other kids are fine, which is strange because my partner and I raised them all the same, yet this one is struggling.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I replied with, I'm not sure that's possible.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: You couldn't have raised them the same, because children come to us differently.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe one child was curious and fearless, another was cautious and sensitive.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: One benefited from a gentle push, while another needed you to hold their hand a little longer.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: One jumped off the deep end screaming, Mom, look at me, while the other sat by the side of the pool, staring back at you every second.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You think you were the same parent, but you modified your approach with each one because they needed something different from you.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: When I was young, I had three stepsisters.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: One was exactly my age.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever we did things together, I always noticed how differently my mother spoke to her.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Her voice was octaves higher, her tone softer.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But to me, she was always a bit tougher, less concerned about her choice of words.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I turned to her one day, convinced that I wasn't imagining this nonsense, and said, Mom, why do you talk to her like that and not me?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, without even flinching, because she's sensitive and you're not.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck that, I thought.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fucking sensitive.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sort of.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, she was right.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need the same high pitched coddling, certainly not as a teen.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty sure that I came into the world with a sign on my forehead that said, built to last.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm not always this tough.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's just how I present myself to the world.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is, on the inside, I do care deeply.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: For one, I wish my mother knew that treating us so differently actually did hurt my feelings.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I got over it because I'm a dandelion.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my stepsister, she was an orchid.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's when I first realized that not all humans experience the world in the same way.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Developmental psychologists Thomas Boyce and Bruce Ellis wanted to understand why children can grow up in the very same environment with the same parents, the same opportunities, and yet respond so differently to life's challenges.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Their research led to what became known as the orchid dandelion hypothesis, a simple but powerful way of understanding that some children are naturally more affected by their surroundings than others.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it gives parents a beautiful way to better understand the adult child sitting in front of them today.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: The dandelion child describes those individuals who are born more biologically resilient.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like dandelions that can grow almost anywhere, these children tend to be less affected by changes in their environment.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: They often adapt more easily, recover more quickly from setbacks, and can move forward even when life becomes difficult.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then there are the orchid children.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Orchids are different.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: They are biologically more sensitive to their surroundings.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: They are often deeply affected by stress, uncertainty, and major changes in their lives.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: These are the children who may take things more personally.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle with transition.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: They need more time to adjust or find unexpected changes harder to navigate.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: They tend to worry more and approach new situations with caution.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: They might take longer to warm up to new people, new places, or new experiences.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: As babies, they may have been more reactive to noise, change, or disruption.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: As children, they may have been more clingy, hesitating before joining a game or needing reassurance before trying something unfamiliar.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: They often think too much before they act.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They may notice every expression on your face and sense tension in a room before anyone else does, and they can become overwhelmed easily.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before you think, well, my kid is neither, the tulip metaphor emerged later on as a way for educators, psychologists, and researchers to explain that many children are in fact somewhere between these two extremes.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Tulip children are moderately sensitive to their environment, more adaptable than the orchid, but still need certain conditions to truly bloom.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know you're thinking about your children right now.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Which one is struggling?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: For many parents, COVID became the turning point for their orchids.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Many have said to me, my adult child was moving forward before COVID.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: They were in school or working or making plans, then everything stopped, and they never really got back on track.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now we know that COVID affected an entire generation of young people, but some young adults experienced that disruption quite adversely.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: For dandelions, it was probably temporary.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: For others, especially those who were more sensitive to uncertainty and change, it became much harder to regain their confidence and momentum.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that you might have an ORCID adult child will help you to understand what they need from you.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It also means recognizing that the way you've been parenting them has to change.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You need to stop enabling them to lean on you for everything.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: What they want is a parent who understands who they are and believes in their ability to discover what they're capable of.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because the greatest gift we can give our adult children is not protection from the challenges of life, it's mental preparation.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's the belief that they are able to meet them.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So here are three suggestions to help you stop protecting your orchid from the world and start preparing them to thrive in it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: One, stop waiting for them to feel ready.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Stop buying into their excuses.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, focus on taking action.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because competence comes before confidence.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Many struggling adult children, and I would say orchids, are waiting for the right time when they finally feel confident enough or prepared enough to take the next step.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But confidence rarely comes before action.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: How can you feel confident about something you've never done?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence is built when we act, while we learn.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even when we struggle, that's when we discover we are more capable than we thought we were.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So don't wait for them to say, I'm ready.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say I can do it for you or I'll help you with that, or even I can call someone.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, ask them, what is one small step you can take right now?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because I promise, if you wait until their fear disappears, you'll be waiting forever.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, don't try to protect them from failure.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, help them become comfortable with it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: For some sensitive young adults, failure feels like proof that they aren't capable.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: But failure is not evidence that they can't succeed.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's evidence that they are learning.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Parents of orchids often want to remove the possibility of failure because they know their adult child feels disappointment deeply and they're afraid of the repercussions.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But the child who never experiences failure never gets to learn the most important lesson.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: They can recover.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Your mission isn't to prevent them from failing, it's to help them trust that they can get back up.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't believe they can, well, that's a red flag.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: The work then starts with you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: When they tell you that they're anxious, don't dismiss it, but don't allow it to stop them either.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Say, of course you are.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Most people feel that way when they're trying something new.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: What if it all works out?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: And number three, here's my favorite.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Believe in their ability more than they believe in their fear.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give an anxious or hesitant adult child is not just reassurance that everything will be okay, it's the confidence that they will be okay even when things aren't.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: When my daughter wanted to learn how to roller skate, first thing I taught her was how to fall.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Literally, I said, We're going to fall now, and I'm going to show you how to do it and how to get up.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if your adult child says, What if I fail?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: You say, Even if you do, I know you're capable of handling whatever comes next.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then say, And what if it all works out?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You will never be able to provide a world where their environment is so perfect that they will always thrive.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's impossible.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And all it has done up till now is prevent them from learning how to cope when things don't go as planned.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is to instill in them the belief that if, or rather when they stumble, you'll be there.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can never remove all the obstacles from their path, but you can help them discover that they're capable of climbing over them.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Confidence, whether it's yours or theirs, is never the absence of fear.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's moving forward despite it.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to ask yourself one question.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Have I been protecting my adult child from discomfort?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, how can I start preparing them for it?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because one creates dependence and the other creates resilience.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will always have a sensitive orchid, but you can still teach them to be heartier.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I remember lying awake in bed as a little girl, convinced that there was a monster hiding underneath it.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: My mind would create all kinds of frightening scenarios.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: It would keep me awake for what felt like forever.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would imagine looking under my bed and seeing its yellow monster eyes staring back at me.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was terrified.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Did I call for my mom?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I turned on my bedside lamp, leaned over the edge of my bed, expecting the worst, ready to face my demon.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And there it wasn't.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: No scary eyes peering back at me, nothing waiting there to grab and gobble me up.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: There was just empty space and a new and braver version of me.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why did I check instead of call my mother?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I thought, what if there isn't a monster there?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're parenting an anxious adult child, don't spend another minute of your life checking under the bed for them or doing anything to protect them.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Stand beside them and say, I know you're afraid, but you've got this.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because every time they face something they were sure they couldn't do, they become a little hardier and a lot more confident than they were before.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Always validate your adult child's feelings, but never surrender to their fears.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: There is a better way.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: An orchid, a tulip, and a dandelion are all capable of becoming independent adults.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: The only difference will be their guides along the way.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that is you, the one person who believes in them.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Remember this line when they are feeling hopeless and fearful.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: What if it all works out?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you really love Launch, give it a positive rating and review so that other parents can discover us.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, thank you for listening.