Latest / IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective / Why ‘Good vs. Bad Parenting’ Is a Dangerous Myth

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Why ‘Good vs. Bad Parenting’ Is a Dangerous Myth · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:35
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Thank you for being here with me.
• 0:38
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I appreciate that you are willing to take time to listen and learn about.
• 0:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Different ways to be a parent.
• 0:48
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Um, recently, and this is actually what we're going to be talking about today, is the myth of good parenting, but recently someone was like, uh, what makes someone a good parent?
• 1:01
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And if you've been listening to me for a while.
• 1:03
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You know that I would rather steer clear from like the labels of good and bad parenting.
• 1:10
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I wanna be clear about that.
• 1:13
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But one of the things I wanna tell you, like if you are actively trying to grow and improve as a parent, that.
• 1:23
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Means something about you and your parenting, and I would say that you are in the minority in that area because most people don't take the time to intentionally learn and grow.
• 1:38
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And develop.
• 1:39
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I want to thank you for being here.
• 1:41
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I know that there are millions and millions of other podcasts that you could be listening to, and whether you're out on a walk, you're out with your spouse or your dog, thank you for taking me along for the ride.
• 1:57
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I really enjoy this time that we get to spend together.
• 2:00
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So, like I said earlier, we are going to talk about the myth.
• 2:05
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Good parenting.
• 2:08
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And I want to start with a question like, have you ever wondered if you are a good parent?
• 2:15
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I know a lot of the parents that I work with have wondered that exact thing, like, man, am I a good parent?
• 2:24
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Because I kind of feel like I'm the worst parent ever, and I know how that feels.
• 2:29
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I've been there.
• 2:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You might be worried that man, you are a bad parent, especially in today's world with how vocal people are and how judgmental people are and how vocal they are about their judgments, which by the way, is a really bad combination.
• 2:49
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: We need to get back to, I think it was Thumpers mom from like Bambi, where she's like, Hey, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
• 2:59
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So.
• 3:00
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: We live in this world where there is this myth.
• 3:06
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Good parenting versus bad parenting, and I don't want to throw anyone under the bus because that would be actually going against what I'm teaching you right now.
• 3:17
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I don't wanna say, oh man, this other parenting life coach, they are a bad parenting life coach because they say this.
• 3:25
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: No, they, they're entitled to their opinion and their teachings.
• 3:30
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I just want to.
• 3:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Share with you some of the flaws that I see in this movement surrounding good parenting.
• 3:41
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And the reason I decided to do this, I've been seeing posts lately.
• 3:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: There's a life coach for parents.
• 3:50
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I, I think it might be parents of teens, maybe it's just parents.
• 3:53
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I don't know.
• 3:55
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: She's got more followers than me.
• 3:57
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I was like, man, I'm gonna go check her out.
• 3:58
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like maybe I'll really like her stuff.
• 4:01
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And I just saw a series of posts that was like, good parents.
• 4:07
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And then you kinda have to swipe to the next page.
• 4:10
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And it's like, good parents do swipe.
• 4:13
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: They do this, swipe, they also do this, swipe.
• 4:16
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: They do this.
• 4:18
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And it's very common in today's world that we talk about good parenting.
• 4:26
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Versus bad parenting.
• 4:28
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And so the reason I want to address this today, I believe that good parenting is a myth and it's actually something, it's a belief that when you buy into it, it can be weaponized against you.
• 4:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And against other people.
• 4:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So let's just take a minute.
• 4:48
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Let's expose some of the problems with this good parenting myth.
• 4:55
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So like I said, there's this, it's.
• 4:57
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Really common if you've fallen into the good parenting belief versus the bad parents.
• 5:04
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like it makes sense.
• 5:06
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: We talk about it this way on social media, it's part of our reality, and there's this belief that man, there's good parents and there's bad parents, and I need to be on the good side now.
• 5:21
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Part of the problem with this is that this can sound super appealing.
• 5:27
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I everyone wants to be good.
• 5:29
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like we want to be the good guys, and it gives you a way to measure yourself against the others.
• 5:37
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like, well, at least I'm not as bad as X, Y, and Z.
• 5:42
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It sounds good.
• 5:43
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It sounds appealing.
• 5:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It might even feel good in the moment because you can look at someone who's like.
• 5:50
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Yelling at their kids and cussing'em out and you're like, man, at least I'm a better parent than that.
• 5:54
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And it might feel good in the moment, but there are some hidden problems.
• 6:02
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: First, if you believe in good parenting, you also have to believe in bad parenting.
• 6:10
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So just my.
• 6:13
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Believing that man, there are some good parents and I'm one of'em, and there are some bad parents and I am not one of them.
• 6:20
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It pulls you into the comparison trap because to have a good, we have to have a bad to compare it to.
• 6:30
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Now the problem is who gets to decide what good parenting is versus bad parenting Oftentimes.
• 6:41
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: We let others decide what good parenting looks like in our lives, and then we parent at the mercy to what we think other people may or may not be thinking about us.
• 6:55
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Okay, so the first hidden problem is this comparison trap and the factor of who really gets to decide what good parenting is and good parenting isn't.
• 7:09
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: The second problem when you focus on good parenting versus bad parenting, typically it.
• 7:17
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Causes you to focus on things outside of your control.
• 7:22
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I see so many people that think they're good parents because their teenagers are doing what they want them to.
• 7:30
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like, man, I'm, I'm a good parent because my teens have good grades, or they behave well in school, or they're a captain on the football team, but you're focusing on something outside of your control.
• 7:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: teen could decide, you know what?
• 7:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Grades are stupid.
• 7:47
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: High school's a waste of time.
• 7:48
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You know what?
• 7:49
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Football hurts.
• 7:50
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I don't wanna play football anymore.
• 7:52
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Problem is.
• 7:54
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: A lot of people base whether or not they consider themselves to be a good parent or whether or not they think other people think that they're good parents based on things outside of their control, like their teen's behavior or the thoughts and the responses from other people.
• 8:14
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I know a lot of parents that are doing the best that they can.
• 8:18
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: They're just fine, and for whatever reason, their teens are really struggling with.
• 8:23
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Grades, drugs, a boyfriend or a girlfriend that no one approves of.
• 8:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: The second trap is that when you buy into the myth of good parenting, you tend to focus on things outside of your control, and that can be devastating to your identity when you think you're a really good parent and then your teenager goes and does something.
• 8:54
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: That is completely out of alignment with your values.
• 8:57
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: The other hidden problem when it comes to good parenting, I alluded to it earlier, it's this idea of good versus bad and it creates division.
• 9:12
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: We can see this right now in religion, in politics, in.
• 9:18
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Sports, like all over the place.
• 9:21
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: There is so much division, like in college football.
• 9:27
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I'm starting to see this so clearly.
• 9:29
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like we think, oh well my team and my team's fans are the good guys.
• 9:35
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: The other team, they're the bad guys, as are their fans.
• 9:40
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It creates division.
• 9:42
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I'm a good parent.
• 9:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: They're a bad parent.
• 9:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's.
• 9:48
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Divisive.
• 9:49
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And one of the books that I recommend the most often is Leadership and Self-Deception.
• 9:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I love that book.
• 9:57
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: In fact, it's probably time that I re-listen to it.
• 10:00
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But the book has this concept of in the box thinking where when you're in the box to someone else, you don't see them as like you're equal.
• 10:12
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You don't see them as human beings with like.
• 10:16
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Similar wants and desires and needs to your own.
• 10:20
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You start to see them as like an object that is in the way of you getting what you want or something that is in competition with you for what you want.
• 10:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: When you are in the box, you are going to have more negative thoughts.
• 10:40
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Towards the other person, and your thoughts will be self inflated based on your comparison.
• 10:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This creates division.
• 10:49
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You can be in the box towards your teen, you can be in the box towards your spouse, towards your mother-in-law, whatever.
• 10:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But it creates division.
• 10:58
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And when you start buying into the good parenting philosophy or the good parenting myth.
• 11:06
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You are buying into a concept that creates division and you are in self-deception.
• 11:16
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I like, I want to be clear, I'm not shaming this other coach like.
• 11:22
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: She can teach this way, it's fine.
• 11:24
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I am fine with other coaches having different philosophies.
• 11:28
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I just want to share with you my take, because one of the biggest struggles that I see parents getting stuck in is this idea that there's good parenting and there's bad parenting, and all the other parents around them are saying that good parents should do X, Y, and z.
• 11:47
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But for whatever reason, they don't feel like that is in alignment with who they are, and then they label themselves bad parents.
• 11:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So when we can see that the good versus bad parenting scale keeps you stuck and it disempowers you, and it makes you more judgmental than you want to be when you can see them, man.
• 12:12
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This good versus bad parenting.
• 12:14
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It distracts me from what really matters, which is my own identity, my own intentions, who I want to be.
• 12:23
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And when you can start seeing that distraction in your life, you can see that, oh dang, I was trying to be a good parent based on what my parents think is a good parent.
• 12:34
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But I was parenting out of integrity with who I want to be.
• 12:40
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: When you can start to see that in your life, it will empower you to start being the parent of your dreams, not because it's good and you don't want to be bad, but because the good and the bad are irrelevant, and you're just like, no, this is who I want to be.
• 12:59
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This is what I feel the most powerful.
• 13:01
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This is when I feel the most happy, the most at peace and.
• 13:08
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: When you're stuck in the good versus bad, like it makes your parenting about performance for external approval rather than being authentic and true to who you are.
• 13:23
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So we can see how thinking that you're a good parent or that there's bad parents out there can be limiting.
• 13:34
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Let's reverse that.
• 13:36
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Let's identify the alternative.
• 13:40
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: 'cause the truth is, parenting isn't about being good or about being bad.
• 13:43
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's about being intentional.
• 13:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's about being the parent of your dreams and living your values in a way that helps you show up as that parent that you want to be.
• 13:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And you can ask yourself like what matters most to you?
• 14:00
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: For me, it's family time.
• 14:02
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: For me, it's having fun For me, it's having the freedom to just drop everything and go do something together.
• 14:11
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: For me, having a 10 word vision statement is very, very helpful.
• 14:18
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I've talked about this in the podcast a lot of times.
• 14:20
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I don't know if you all know this, but my podcast is searchable.
• 14:25
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like you could simply go to ben pugh coaching.com/podcast and there is a little, uh.
• 14:33
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Magnifying glass icon, which is funny.
• 14:37
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I asked a kid the other day if he knew what that was.
• 14:40
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: He is like, oh, I don't know what it's called, but I know like old detectives used to use it and I'm like, Hmm.
• 14:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I remember old people carrying one around so they could read books, but whatever.
• 14:51
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Anyways, my podcast is totally searchable.
• 14:54
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: If you don't know how to do a 10 word vision statement, just go to my podcast.
• 15:01
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Search 10 word vision statement, and it'll come up with a ton of times when I actually taught that.
• 15:10
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And let's see, there's episode 2 45, uh, 2 44, 1 45.
• 15:17
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like it just gives you a ton of episodes rather than focusing on good or bad parenting.
• 15:26
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Take some time to gain some clarity around who you want to be as a parent.
• 15:35
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Gain, take some time to not only gain that clarity, but define for yourself, this is who I want to be.
• 15:45
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And we're not defining like men.
• 15:46
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This is good parenting and this is bad parenting because I'm gonna tell you, every parent is going to do stuff that is on a good parenting list somewhere.
• 15:55
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It is like Santa Claus up there like, oh, I got my good parenting list and my naughty parenting list, and I'm gonna check it twice.
• 16:03
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: There's no such thing, and I guarantee you some of the things that you're doing are on someone's, maybe even your own subconscious good parenting list, and some of the things that you do are on some mythical, bad parenting list.
• 16:18
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Who cares?
• 16:20
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Get really good at knowing who you want to be.
• 16:23
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And then rather than thinking in terms of, oh, well, do other people think this is good or bad?
• 16:28
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You're just simply thinking.
• 16:31
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Is my current behavior in alignment with who I want to be or not?
• 16:37
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You shift your focus from all these things outside of your control.
• 16:41
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Like does my teen think I'm a good parent?
• 16:43
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Do my neighbors think I'm a good parent?
• 16:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Do my church leaders to my parents, do my in-laws.
• 16:48
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You shift your focus from all of these things that are outside of your control and you bring it back into the things that you can control.
• 16:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You know, I can control the thoughts that I let.
• 17:00
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Stay in my mind.
• 17:01
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I can control my emotional state.
• 17:05
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I can control my behavior.
• 17:09
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You focus on the things that you can control, your attitude, your presence, your consistency, your curiosity, your love, all of that, and you start building connection.
• 17:20
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Instead of chasing approval, you start connecting with your teen as the parent of your dreams, which makes it easier to connect with your teen than trying to connect with your teen as like the good or the perfect parent.
• 17:38
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's a reframe.
• 17:39
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It is empowering.
• 17:43
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So let's talk about some practical steps that you can do.
• 17:49
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I want to invite you to write down your 10 word vision statement, and you could even write down this empowering thought like parenting isn't about being good or bad.
• 18:02
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's about being me.
• 18:04
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: It's about parenting.
• 18:06
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Alignment with my vision, it's about being the parent of my dreams.
• 18:12
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And if you'll take the time, like my 10 word vision statement is probably time that I adjust this.
• 18:17
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I keep it close so I can read it all the time, but it says, parenting with love, confidence and curiosity is easy and fun.
• 18:28
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I'm not worried about what good parenting is versus bad parenting.
• 18:32
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I'm worried about, man, am I parenting with love.
• 18:35
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Because that's who I want to be.
• 18:37
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Am I parenting with confidence because that's the type of parent I wanna be?
• 18:42
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Am I parenting with curiosity?
• 18:45
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: And this vision, rather than having me focused on what others may think is good or bad, it has me focused on who I want to be.
• 18:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I want to encourage you, catch yourself in moments when you start thinking about good versus bad parenting and you're letting yourself slide into these traps of like being judgmental in the comparison trap.
• 19:13
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Or you catch yourself focusing on things that you can't control or you feel divided.
• 19:22
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Holier than the bad parents.
• 19:24
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I want you to take notice of those moments so that you can gently shift yourself back to your vision, to your values, so that you can commit to being the parent of your dreams.
• 19:38
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: So I want to close.
• 19:41
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Before I do that, I just wanna thank you.
• 19:43
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.
• 19:45
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I love that you're here.
• 19:47
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: If you've enjoyed this podcast or any other podcast, share it with a friend.
• 19:52
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Leave me a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 19:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: That really helps.
• 19:58
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: But as we close, I want to just give you some reassurance.
• 20:02
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: You don't have to prove that you are a good parent to anyone.
• 20:09
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Who cares what other people think.
• 20:12
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Be the best parent that you can be, and I promise you, connection is more powerful than comparison and authenticity.
• 20:24
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Being in alignment with who you are as a parent is greater than approval.
• 20:31
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Stop trying to parent for approval.
• 20:33
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: This isn't a popularity contest.
• 20:35
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: Start parenting for authenticity.
• 20:39
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: How can I parent in alignment with the parent of my dreams?
• 20:44
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: How can I be that version of me?
• 20:50
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: I want to invite you again.
• 20:52
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: If you've enjoyed this podcast, share it with your friends.
• 20:56
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: That helps me reach more parents, and as always, you can go take the free parent trap quiz where I identify three parent traps that are really easy to get caught in, and then I'll send you the solution for how to get out of your unique, specific parent trap.
• 21:15
  ben_1_09-23-2025_093056: With that, I will see you guys next week.