Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are an Introvert
Transcript
- Lucas: So let's start with a specific person. I've been talking to a software engineer named Priya — she's in her late twenties, works at a mid-size SaaS company in Austin. She told me she spent almost two years actively avoiding any kind of networking event, even though she desperately wanted a mentor. She'd sign up for conferences, then cancel the morning of. Her heart would race just thinking about walking into a room full of strangers. Luna: I think a lot of listeners are going to feel that in their bones. The gap between wanting mentorship and being able to actually go get it. Lucas: Exactly. And Priya's story is useful because she eventually did find a mentor — but not by forcing herself to become an extrovert. She found a path that worked with her natural style. And that's really what today is about: how to find a mentor when the standard advice — 'go to networking events, shake hands, work the room' — feels like it was written for someone else. Luna: Yeah. So what was Priya's breakthrough? Lucas: She reframed the whole thing. Instead of 'networking,' she thought of it as 'building a small set of meaningful one-on-one connections.' Her first step was to identify three people in her company whose work she genuinely admired — two senior engineers and a product manager. Then she didn't ask them for mentorship directly. She asked for a fifteen-minute coffee chat to ask one specific question about a technical problem she was working on. Luna: That's smart. It lowers the stakes for both people. You're not asking for a long-term commitment, you're just asking for a quick piece of advice. Lucas: Right. And the question she chose was concrete — 'How did you debug that race condition in the payment service last quarter?' That's the kind of question a senior engineer actually wants to answer. It's respectful of their time and expertise. One of those coffee chats turned into a recurring monthly meeting. That person became her informal mentor within about three months. Luna: So the key is to start with a low-friction ask. Not 'will you be my mentor?' but 'can you help me with this one thing?' Lucas: Exactly. And I'd add: for introverts, the written approach can be even more comfortable. You can send a short, well-crafted email or LinkedIn message. Priya actually sent her first request via Slack — we're talking about two sentences. 'Hi, I'm working on X and I'm stuck on Y. Would you have fifteen minutes this week to chat?' That's it. No pressure. Luna: I want to push back a little on one thing though. A lot of introverts I've talked to say they feel like they're being a burden when they ask for someone's time. How do you get over that mental block? Lucas: It's a real barrier. And there's research on this — a study from the Harvard Business Review a few years ago found that people consistently underestimate how willing others are to help. When someone asks for advice, the person being asked actually feels flattered, not burdened. So reminding yourself of that can help. Also, you can frame it as a favor you'd be happy to return someday, even if you don't know how yet. Luna: That's a good reframe. Another tactic I've seen work: use the 'two-minute rule' for your first outreach. Keep the initial ask so small that it feels almost trivial for the other person to say yes. Lucas: Right. Like asking for a resource recommendation instead of a meeting. 'I saw you worked on project X — what's one book or article that shaped your thinking?' That's a zero time commitment ask. If they respond, you have a natural opening to follow up. And for an introvert, asynchronous communication — email, LinkedIn messages — is a lot less draining than a phone call or video chat. Luna: Let's talk about LinkedIn specifically. Because I think a lot of introverts find LinkedIn networking even more intimidating than in-person events. Lucas: It can be. But there's a feature that I think is underused: the warm introduction. If you have a mutual connection with someone you admire, you can ask that mutual contact to make an introduction. It's a much softer ask because you're not cold-emailing. And the mutual contact can vouch for you, which reduces the awkwardness. I've seen introverts build entire mentor relationships this way. Luna: And what about the actual conversation once you get the meeting? Because even a fifteen-minute coffee chat can feel high-pressure if you're introverted. Lucas: That's where preparation comes in. Priya told me she would write down three questions beforehand — that was her limit. She'd memorize them so she didn't have to look at notes. That way, she could focus on listening, which is actually a natural strength for many introverts. And the conversation felt more like a guided interview than a freeform chat, which she found much easier. Luna: I think that's a key point. Introverts often make excellent mentees because they listen carefully and think before they speak. That can actually lead to deeper, more focused conversations than someone who's trying to fill every silence. Lucas: Absolutely. And there's a flip side worth mentioning: introverts can also be fantastic mentors. A study from the University of Michigan found that introverted mentors often develop stronger trust with their mentees because they tend to be more reflective and less directive. They ask better questions. So if you're introverted and you're reading this thinking 'I could never be a mentor,' that's a myth. Luna: Okay, so let's say someone is listening and they're thinking, 'I want to try the coffee chat approach. But I don't have a specific technical problem like Priya did. I work in marketing. What's my concrete question?' Lucas: Great question. For a marketer, the question could be about a specific campaign. 'I saw your email campaign for the Q4 product launch — how did you decide on the subject line strategy?' Or for someone in operations: 'How did you prioritize the vendor selection process when you rolled out the new CRM?' The key is specificity. Don't ask 'how do I succeed in marketing?' That's too broad. Pick one project, one decision, one metric. Luna: And if you're in a completely different field — say, a graphic designer — the same principle applies. 'How did you handle the client feedback loop on the rebranding project?' That's concrete and actionable. Lucas: Exactly. Now, one more thing I want to cover: what if you've tried the coffee chat approach a few times and it hasn't led to a long-term mentorship? That's okay. Not every conversation needs to become a mentor relationship. But you can accelerate the process by being intentional about follow-up. After the coffee chat, send a thank-you note within 24 hours, and mention one thing you learned. Then, a few weeks later, send a brief update on how you applied their advice. That shows you're serious and respectful of their time. Luna: That follow-up is where the relationship actually grows. Without it, it's just a one-off conversation. Lucas: Right. And if you're introverted, you might prefer to do that follow-up in writing anyway. It's natural. So you're playing to your strengths. Priya's mentor actually told her later that it was her thoughtful follow-up that made him want to keep meeting with her — she didn't just take the advice, she acted on it and came back with new questions. Luna: Speaking of keeping things going — if we've helped you think through a career move or a mentorship strategy like this, a couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these episodes coming. You can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It makes a real difference in keeping this ad-free and focused on practical advice. Lucas: Yeah, it's something we hear about a lot — listeners tell us they use these episodes as a resource they come back to. And that support, even from a small number of people, is what keeps the podcast sustainable. Luna: Alright, back to mentorship. What about the introvert who works in a very extroverted culture — like sales or event planning? The standard advice in those fields is often 'network constantly.' How do you find a mentor there without burning out? Lucas: That's a harder environment, but the same principles apply. One tactic is to look for mentors who are a bit older or more senior — they often have more patience and are less likely to expect constant social energy. Also, you can schedule your mentorship meetings at low-energy times of day, like early morning before the chaos starts, or right after lunch when things are quieter. And keep them short — twenty minutes max. Luna: I'd add that in sales, a lot of the best mentorship happens during ride-alongs or joint calls, not in formal meetings. If you can shadow a senior rep on a client call, that's a low-pressure way to learn and build a relationship without having to make small talk. Lucas: That's a great point. The mentorship happens in the context of doing real work, not in a separate social event. For introverts, that can be much more comfortable. So the takeaway is: don't try to be someone you're not. The standard advice isn't a law. Find the version of mentorship that works for your personality — low-stakes first asks, written communication, focused listening, and follow-up that shows you care. Luna: And remember, the best mentor for you might be someone who also leans introverted. They'll understand your style without you having to explain it. Lucas: Exactly. Priya's mentor turned out to be an introvert too. They now have a monthly video call where they spend the first five minutes in comfortable silence just thinking about what they want to discuss. And it works perfectly for both of them.