Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Master The Art Of Listening
Transcript
- Lucas: You know, when I sit down with people who have just been promoted to their first management role, the thing they worry about most isn't strategy or budgeting. It's noise. They feel like there's so much happening around them, and their instinct is to jump in, fix it, direct it, and prove they're in charge. But if you look at the data on retention and engagement, the managers who succeed aren't the ones talking the most. They're the ones listening the hardest. Luna: It's funny because I see the opposite happen all the time. People get promoted because they were great individual contributors, and they think leadership means being the smartest person in the room again. They forget that being the smartest person in the room as a manager usually means you're failing at delegation. Lucas: Exactly. And that impulse to be the hero is dangerous in the first ninety days. You've got a team that's watching you closely, especially if some of them were your peers yesterday. If you walk in on day one with a list of fixes, you're signaling that you don't trust their judgment. You're signaling that you think they've been doing it wrong. That kills psychological safety before it even gets off the ground. Luna: Right, and it creates this immediate defensive posture. People stop sharing bad news because they know you're going to try to solve it yourself, or worse, they'll criticize their own approach while you're standing there waiting to correct it. Lucas: So, let's talk about what good listening actually looks like, because it's not just sitting quietly while someone talks. It's structured. It's intentional. One framework that works incredibly well is the 'Listen, Clarify, Summarize' loop. When a team member comes to you with a problem, you listen without interrupting. Then you clarify by asking, 'What exactly are you asking for from me?' Is it advice? Is it approval? Or do they just need to vent? Luna: That last part is huge. So many employees just want to be heard, but the new manager hears a request for help and immediately starts drafting an email chain to fix it. They skip the validation step entirely. Lucas: And then you summarize. You say, 'Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you're blocked on the X project because of Y, and you need Z resource. Did I get that right?' This does two things. First, it catches misunderstandings early. Second, it shows the employee that you were actually tracking the details, not just nodding along. It builds trust faster than any policy document you could write. Luna: I love that because it also slows the conversation down. New managers are often anxious silences, so they fill the air with their own voice. Forcing themselves to summarize requires patience. Lucas: It does require patience, and it requires resisting the urge to share your own similar experience. This is a common pitfall. Someone says, 'This vendor is driving me crazy,' and the new manager thinks, 'Oh man, I dealt with that same vendor three years ago.' So they launch into their own story. It feels empathetic, but it steals the spotlight. It makes the meeting about you, not them. Luna: Yeah, it's a form of competitive empathy. You're trying to bond over shared struggle, but in a managerial context, it can feel dismissive of their unique situation. Like you're saying, 'I've been there, so move on.' Lucas: Spot on. The goal of the first ninety days is to learn the landscape, not to teach it. You're there to understand the informal hierarchies, the unwritten rules, and the actual bottlenecks. If you're telling stories about your past successes, you're missing data points. You're trading insight for ego, even if the ego is subtle. Luna: But how do you balance that listening with the expectation that you need to make decisions? You can't just listen forever. Eventually, you have to steer the ship. Lucas: That's the key distinction. Listening informs decision-making; it doesn't replace it. Think of it like due diligence. You spend the first month listening to understand the terrain. Then, in weeks two and three, you start testing hypotheses. You say, 'Based on what I've heard, I think we should try X. What am I missing?' Now you're still listening, but you're listening for pushback or refinement, not just for information gathering. Luna: So it shifts from passive collection to active interrogation. You're inviting them to challenge your understanding, which keeps the power dynamic more collaborative. Lucas: Exactly. And this is particularly critical when managing former peers. If you used to play golf with Dave, and now you're evaluating his performance, the listening has to be sharper. You have to separate the friendship from the function. You might find that Dave is hiding his stress levels because he doesn't want to seem weak in front of his friends. Active listening helps you detect that gap between what he's saying and what he's feeling. Luna: That boundary issue is so tricky. If you're too close, you miss the red flags. If you're too distant, you lose the goodwill. How do you calibrate that distance through listening alone? Lucas: By focusing on the work, not the relationship. When you listen to a former peer, keep the frame professional. Ask about deliverables, timelines, and blockers. Avoid venting sessions unless they're explicitly framed as personal support outside of work hours. You want to create a container where the conversation stays focused on outcomes. That protects both of you. It keeps the friendship intact because you're not mixing it with the evaluation process. Luna: It sounds rigid, but I think it's actually kinder. Because if you blur the lines, expectations get messy, and resentment builds. Clarity is kindness. Lucas: Clarity is kindness. I'll steal that. Another aspect of listening is non-verbal cues. In a hybrid world, this is harder. You're looking at little boxes on a screen. Are they muted? Are they looking away? Are they multitasking? As a new manager, you have to be hyper-aware of these signals. If someone is consistently distracted in one-on-ones, don't assume they don't care. Maybe their home office is chaotic. Maybe they're dealing with something personal. Ask about it. 'Hey, you seemed a bit distracted today. Is everything okay?' Luna: That's a low-stakes check-in that can prevent high-stakes problems later. It shows you notice them as humans, not just productivity units. Lucas: It does. And it opens the door for them to share context that affects their work. Maybe they're caring for a parent, or maybe their internet is down every afternoon. Understanding that context allows you to adjust expectations or offer flexibility, which builds immense loyalty. Loyalty isn't bought with perks; it's built with understanding. Luna: So, if we're thinking about the first ninety days, what does a good listening plan look like week by week? Is there a rhythm? Lucas: Week one is pure observation. You're in meetings, you're reading docs, you're having coffee chats. No judgments yet. Week two is pattern recognition. You start noticing who talks the most, who stays quiet, where the friction is. Week three is hypothesis testing. You bring your observations to the table and ask for correction. 'I think our sprint planning is inefficient because of X. Does that match your experience?' By week four, you're starting to propose small changes based on what you've heard. Luna: That's a very gentle ramp-up. A lot of people try to change everything in week one because they're terrified of looking incompetent if they don't act fast. Lucas: They are. But acting fast without listening is just noise. And noise is expensive. It costs time, it costs morale, and it costs credibility. Every time you implement a change that nobody asked for, you erode trust. Every time you implement a change that solves a real pain point they identified, you build capital. Luna: It really comes back to humility. Admitting you don't know the answers yet, and trusting your team to provide them. Lucas: Humility is the engine of effective listening. If you think you already know, you won't listen. If you listen, you can't help but learn. And learning is what makes you a leader, not just a boss. Luna: I think a lot of us confuse authority with knowledge. But authority is just the title. Knowledge has to be earned through attention. Lucas: Well said. So, as we wrap up, if there's one takeaway for someone stepping into their first management role this week, what would it be? Luna: Stop talking. Start asking. Just for the first thirty days, make it your goal to ask more questions than you answer. See what happens to the quality of your decisions. Lucas: I agree. Silence is a tool. Use it wisely. And remember, the best leaders aren't the ones who have all the answers. They're the ones who know how to find them. Luna: If we've helped you think through a career move or decision, and you appreciate the ad-free support that keeps this show running, consider buying us a coffee. You can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It helps us keep digging into the details that matter. Lucas: Thanks for the support. It genuinely keeps the lights on and the research deep. Now, back to the topic. Luna: One last thought on the listening loop: make sure you follow up. If someone tells you they're struggling with a specific tool, and you hear them complaining about it again two weeks later, acknowledge it. 'Hey, did that workaround we discussed help?' Closure matters. Lucas: Absolutely. Follow-up is where listening turns into action. Without it, listening is just therapy. With it, it's leadership. Luna: So, the next time you're in a meeting and you feel the urge to jump in, take a breath. Count to three. Let them finish. You might be surprised by what you missed. Lucas: Count to three. It's a simple habit, but it changes the entire dynamic of your team. Try it out, and let us know how it goes. Luna: We'll be listening.