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EPISODE 20: Simple Parenting Hacks to Build Unshakeable Self-Esteemv · Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin

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Speaker 1: My kid is really afraid of a lot of things
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Speaker 1: that I don't want them to be afraid of. And
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Speaker 1: I don't know what I've been doing hasn't worked. What
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Speaker 1: do I need to do to encourage my child or
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Speaker 1: children to try.
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Speaker 2: Welcome to Parents Talk, the podcast for parents who want
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Speaker 2: to raise confident, resilient kids and build strong self esteem.
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Speaker 2: Hosted by Francine Jelene aka Princess Francie and founder of
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Speaker 2: the Confidence Club for Kids. Each episode gives you actionable
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Speaker 2: parenting tips, tools and strategies to help your children thrive,
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Speaker 2: break the cycle of negative childhood programming and grow, and
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Speaker 2: is self assured empowered adults. Let's get started.
0:45
Speaker 1: It's so interesting because dinosaur brains and I guess I'll
0:49
Speaker 1: hold her up. That is the brains. The impetus was
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Speaker 1: I was at a conference and someone was talking about
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Speaker 1: the amygdala. And I always do this with my clients
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Speaker 1: and my nieces and nephew. My nieces hated they're I
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Speaker 1: was like, why do you always do this? But if
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Speaker 1: this is your brain, this is the thinking part of
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Speaker 1: your brain. This, if you open it up, is the
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Speaker 1: reptilian part, the amygdala, the brain stem, and it's all
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Speaker 1: about sort of reactive learning and keeping you safe, and
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Speaker 1: so she sees everything as a threat. The thinking part
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Speaker 1: the frontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the logical and
1:37
Speaker 1: so someone was talking about this at a conference and
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Speaker 1: they just talked about this as the dinosaur brain. And
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Speaker 1: I saw the book just in a way that made
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Speaker 1: sense to me, because brain chemistry, you gotta break it
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Speaker 1: down for me. It doesn't compute. And she's I went
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Speaker 1: up to it and I said, you know, you should
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Speaker 1: write this as a children's book. And I gave her
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Speaker 1: the whole thing, and she'd say, you should write this,
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Speaker 1: And it scared the mess out of me. Now, I
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Speaker 1: always wanted to be a writer. When I was growing up,
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Speaker 1: I thought, oh, I want to be a writer. But
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Speaker 1: I didn't know anyone. I didn't see anyone who had
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Speaker 1: done it. And so my dinosaur brain, which says you
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Speaker 1: know this is dangerous, it'll kill you, said no, trying
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Speaker 1: to write would be awful because what if it doesn't work,
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Speaker 1: what if you're terrible? It will be embarrassing, and that's
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Speaker 1: tantamount to death. And so no, and that that story
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Speaker 1: just kept coming back to me over and over again.
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Speaker 1: I was a chubby kid, chubby adult, right, uh, and
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Speaker 1: so that whole those messages also, and there are loads
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Speaker 1: of messages that come to us that are are explicit
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Speaker 1: and implicit about what you can what you can't do,
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Speaker 1: and some of them are malicious, but a lot of it,
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Speaker 1: I think, And the take in Dinosaur Brains is that
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Speaker 1: they're not being they're not trying to be mean. They're
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Speaker 1: trying to protect you, protect you from embarrassment, protect you
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Speaker 1: from harm, protect you from bullying, whatever it is. And
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Speaker 1: so it's it's other people's fear coming into play and
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Speaker 1: they're trying to protect you, and then my own fears
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Speaker 1: trying to protect me, and that's also from the dinosaur.
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Speaker 1: And so when you talk about you know, Princess Francy
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Speaker 1: and Sparkle Feathers, Princess Fancy being an overweight kid, that's
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Speaker 1: the story in Dinosaur Brains is a little girl and uh,
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Speaker 1: I was not an experienced writer, and it's it's still
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Speaker 1: hard for me to make up names for my characters.
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Speaker 1: But so little Tabby has been told by a kid
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Speaker 1: in school that she can't do what she fantasizes about,
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Speaker 1: which is being an Olympic swimmer. And she can't do
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Speaker 1: it because they are no black Olympic swimmers and they're
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Speaker 1: no chubby Olympic swimmers, and so she's just devastated. But
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Speaker 1: then her grandfather tells her, you know, that's his dinosaur
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Speaker 1: brain working and gives a story that she can hold
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Speaker 1: on to in terms of what is a dina, what happened?
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Speaker 1: How did we get dinosaur brains? Do they still actually exist?
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Speaker 1: And the story goes that someone was trying to make
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Speaker 1: up The character's name is Glove. He's a caveman, had
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Speaker 1: wonderful ideas. Everyone loved them, and he was telling the
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Speaker 1: whole community. And when he started talking about this one
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Speaker 1: idea that was really fantastic, a dinosaur comes takes them
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Speaker 1: away and the whole community is traumatized. So this is trauma,
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Speaker 1: but it's also a fear about the reason why this
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Speaker 1: great man was taken and that it was because of
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Speaker 1: the ideas, and that so often happens. I think that
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Speaker 1: our ideas feel like they are so big and bigger
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Speaker 1: than us, and they scare us. And that's why if
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Speaker 1: I just if I just hadn't thought that way, if
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Speaker 1: I just hadn't tried this thing, then I wouldn't have
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Speaker 1: gotten hurt, then I would have been safe as opposed
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Speaker 1: to looking at it from a different perspective, right, Like,
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Speaker 1: my ideas don't hurt me. There's risk, and how do
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Speaker 1: we increase risk tolerance and do that without squashing our
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Speaker 1: dreams and our goals? And so so it feels like
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Speaker 1: Princess Francy and Little Tabby and dinosaur rains are kismet.
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Speaker 3: Yes, they certainly are. And what I like to teach
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Speaker 3: is all it takes is a change of perspective instead of,
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Speaker 3: oh my god, this is scary, I'm going to get hurt.
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Speaker 3: How about what can I learn from the experience that's
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Speaker 3: everything bad that happens. I lost five thousand dollars, Okay,
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Speaker 3: what lesson can I learn to make that five thousand
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Speaker 3: dollars worth losing? Right? So I am all for anything
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Speaker 3: that could help children learn how to change perspective, because
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Speaker 3: children absorb all the energy around them, whether it's negative
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Speaker 3: or positive. But the more positive we give them to
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Speaker 3: draw from, the less the negative can absorb. Like that
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Speaker 3: old sponge. Once it's saturated, it's not going to absorb
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Speaker 3: more water. But when it's dried out, oh, those bad
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Speaker 3: thoughts could come.
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Speaker 1: In yeah, yeah, exactly exactly, And I think that that's
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Speaker 1: true for children, but it's also true for us as
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Speaker 1: adults and as parents, because again, our fears we can
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Speaker 1: transmit to children. The whole epigenetic I'm fascinated with the
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Speaker 1: transmission of trauma in DNA, and so this epigenetic field
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Speaker 1: of you know, how to, how to my fears, how
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Speaker 1: to my past experiences influence those of my children and
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Speaker 1: my grandchildren and so on and so forth, and become
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Speaker 1: come truth without anyone knowing well why. It's like that
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Speaker 1: that old story of why do you cut the end
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Speaker 1: of the pot roast off? And nobody knows why, and
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Speaker 1: turns out it was because two generations earlier, grandma's pot
8:17
Speaker 1: was always too small, right, But all of a sudden that, no,
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Speaker 1: that's just how you have to cook, that's how you
8:24
Speaker 1: have to cook it. So yeah, yeah, And.
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Speaker 3: That's the whole point here of parents talk. Those generational
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Speaker 3: I call them curses curses because I give a perfect
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Speaker 3: example from my family. My grandmother had anxiety, all kinds
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Speaker 3: of anxiety, to the point that she wouldn't have let
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Speaker 3: my mom roller skates. She wouldn't have let my mom
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Speaker 3: learn how to swim. She wouldn't let my mom ride
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Speaker 3: a bicycle. Well, when we were growing up, my dad
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Speaker 3: was fearless. So we learned how to do all of
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Speaker 3: that stuff and then we talked to her.
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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, yeah, yeah, that is. That is. That's a
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Speaker 1: great picture. That is dinosaur brains and action, right like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
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Speaker 1: no no, it's too dangerous. You can't do it. It will
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Speaker 1: hurt you, You'll you'll get in trouble, You'll this will happen.
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Speaker 1: And what it takes is, I think number one, being
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Speaker 1: able to recognize the message, being able to challenge it
9:34
Speaker 1: because some things are dangerous, Like we know, walking in
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Speaker 1: the middle of the street, that's danger You don't want
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Speaker 1: to do that, don't do it. So you've got to
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Speaker 1: be able to test some of the the hypotheses, and
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Speaker 1: you know, once you recognize it and you've tested it,
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Speaker 1: whether you've tested it directly or you've seen other people
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Speaker 1: do it, then being able to tie that up and
10:00
Speaker 1: put it on the side and be like, that's that's
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Speaker 1: not mine. And also knowing that I can do hard
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Speaker 1: things and I won't rape if something happens, right, I
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Speaker 1: can work hard because in the story a chubby black
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Speaker 1: Olympic swimmer. Black didn't have anything to do with it.
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Speaker 1: But if you are out of shape, if you don't,
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Speaker 1: then you're not going to be an Olympic swimmer. So
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Speaker 1: it's like testing it and trying and knowing that sometimes
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Speaker 1: failure isn't a bad thing. Like you said, if I
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Speaker 1: lose five thousand dollars, what did I learn? Maybe I
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Speaker 1: didn't get what I thought I was going to get
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Speaker 1: for that five thousand dollars, but I got something else.
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Speaker 3: It would have cost me ten thousand dollars to join
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Speaker 3: a Kuchi program to learn what I learned right right
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Speaker 3: right that change of perspective.
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Speaker 1: Or maybe I met somebody who's going to be influential
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Speaker 1: in my life in a completely different way that I
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Speaker 1: wouldn't have been in contact with. Who knows. There's a
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Speaker 1: there's a Buddhist story. I think it's called the Farmer,
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Speaker 1: and I keep going back to it recently. The farmer
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Speaker 1: and his son breaks his leg, and the whole village
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Speaker 1: is like, oh, you poor thing, your son broke his leg.
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Speaker 1: That's the worst thing that could ever happen. Firm says
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Speaker 1: maybe maybe not. A couple of weeks later, the military
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Speaker 1: comes and takes all of the young men into service,
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Speaker 1: but his son doesn't go because his leg is broken,
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Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, aren't you fortunate your son wasn't
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Speaker 1: taken because he had that broken leg. It was best
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Speaker 1: than that could have ever happened. Maybe maybe not. And
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Speaker 1: each thing he didn't hold on too tightly too whether
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Speaker 1: or not it was good or bad, it was just
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Speaker 1: it just happened. It is now how do we how
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Speaker 1: do we keep moving? How do we keep living on?
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Speaker 1: What does that mean? How does that color the situation?
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Speaker 3: So yeah, it's like way back when I was still
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Speaker 3: living a very unhealthy lifestyle. After I came home from
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Speaker 3: my rock, I started a coaching program for business because
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Speaker 3: I knew I wanted to start a business after I retired,
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Speaker 3: and I signed up with this coach and I clearly
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Speaker 3: wasn't ready for her style. I clearly did not have
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Speaker 3: the foundation built that I needed because she teaches people
12:41
Speaker 3: how to go to the next level level. But for
12:44
Speaker 3: some reason I was drawn to her later, and it
12:48
Speaker 3: was a couple of years. I thought she bripped me off.
12:51
Speaker 3: I thought that I paid for something and didn't get
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Speaker 3: anything out of it. Years later, I realized I needed
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Speaker 3: her because her husband gave the mindset coaching is what
13:06
Speaker 3: the mindset aspect of her coaching program. I find myself
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Speaker 3: falling back on now and teaching. So it wasn't a
13:15
Speaker 3: waste of time, it wasn't a waste of money. She
13:18
Speaker 3: didn't wrink me off. She gave me exactly what I
13:21
Speaker 3: needed at that time.
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Speaker 1: H Yeah, isn't that funny how life works out that way?
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Speaker 3: Yeah?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. I use dinosaur grains in my counseling work.
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Speaker 1: I only work with adults and with couples, but because
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Speaker 1: I think that adults also get lost in this place
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Speaker 1: of what can't I do? Even more so, it's more
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Speaker 1: like bedrock when you're an adult, when you're a kid,
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Speaker 1: if you can hear it right, like, oh no, that's
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Speaker 1: not that's not actually true. I'm scared. Okay, it is
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Speaker 1: not a problem to be scared. Now will I do
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Speaker 1: with it? That's just my brain trying to tell me
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Speaker 1: how to stay safe because they don't know. It doesn't
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Speaker 1: know everything. This little part is not versed in everything.
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Speaker 1: She sees everything as a risk. So okay, let me
14:19
Speaker 1: figure out how I can calm her. So kids get that,
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Speaker 1: really quickly. I think adults have a harder time, and
14:29
Speaker 1: so that's why I love the act of parenting. I
14:34
Speaker 1: think parents grow in healthy relationships. They get a lot
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Speaker 1: of knowledge from their kids if they're if they are
14:42
Speaker 1: open to it, and they're able to transmit knowledge.
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Speaker 3: That reminds me of the nugget of wisdom I got
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Speaker 3: that said if you talk to the kids, they will
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Speaker 3: bring the parents in, which was the way of telling
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Speaker 3: me I needed to write children's books. But I didn't
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Speaker 3: see it at the time, because what is it like
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Speaker 3: that this brain was saying children, danger danger children.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yep, all those stories, Well, no, you can't
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Speaker 1: do that. How dare you tell somebody about how to
15:27
Speaker 1: parent their children? How did no?
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Speaker 3: No, no, yeah, well my stories where you don't have
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Speaker 3: any children, why would anyone listen to you?
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Speaker 1: Exactly? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
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Speaker 3: I have coached so many adults that I'm breaking the
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Speaker 3: cycle of negative childhood programming, because even in public speaking coaching,
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Speaker 3: a lot of the issues were overcoming to get over
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Speaker 3: affair of speaking or to bring their speaking up to
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Speaker 3: the next level they were programmed with as a child,
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Speaker 3: Like for me, you'd be such a pretty kid if
16:05
Speaker 3: you just lost some weight. Well, when I first started speaking,
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Speaker 3: I had to stand behind a lectern to hide my body.
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Speaker 3: As I was coaching one of my public speaking clients,
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Speaker 3: she ended up losing weight because she got over that
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Speaker 3: body image shoe and started eating for health rather than to.
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Speaker 1: M m h m hmm. Yeah. Yeah, So you learned
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Speaker 1: from her as she was learning from you, and yes.
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Speaker 3: A cycle it is. We could learn so much from
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Speaker 3: each other if we just took the time to change
16:50
Speaker 3: our perspective.
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Speaker 1: M h and get over the fear of not being
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Speaker 1: the one that knows yes right. And that's a big
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Speaker 1: one for me, Like that was growing up. One of
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Speaker 1: the ways that I stood out because as you can,
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Speaker 1: that's me right there, that your kids, that's me as
17:12
Speaker 1: that's me as a as a baby. But one of
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Speaker 1: those ways was that I was smart, right, I could
17:19
Speaker 1: speak well and so people would listen. And so my
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Speaker 1: my MGGL I call her Amy, my dinosaur brain told me,
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Speaker 1: if you don't know it already, then there that's danger.
17:32
Speaker 1: Then there's no need for you if you're not the
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Speaker 1: smartest one in the room. And so the idea of
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Speaker 1: being able to learn and have beginner's mind where I'm
17:42
Speaker 1: taking information in and processing it and asking questions, and
17:47
Speaker 1: that that that process of learning felt dangerous to me,
17:52
Speaker 1: right because that's that was my persona. And so being
17:58
Speaker 1: able to recognize and recognize when my dinosaur brain is
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Speaker 1: telling me no, that's dangerous. You get that'll kill you,
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Speaker 1: That'll kill you right there, and you can't do it.
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Speaker 1: You can't do it. And it's still a work in progress.
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Speaker 1: We all have those things that tell us no, our
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Speaker 1: dinosaur brain is like, Nope, that's going to be dangerous
18:21
Speaker 1: for you. Got to get away from it and act
18:23
Speaker 1: like it's not real. But learning to recognize it and
18:29
Speaker 1: then learning to challenge it is really key.
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Speaker 3: Yes, the learning to challenge it. I have this fear
18:38
Speaker 3: of heights that came from falling off a horse when
18:41
Speaker 3: I was like six years old. Well, as an aircraft electrician,
18:45
Speaker 3: you got to get up in high places. So what
18:49
Speaker 3: am I and now picture this, I'm a woman in
18:53
Speaker 3: a man's environment back in the early eighties, So what
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Speaker 3: am I going to say? No, I can't get out there.
18:58
Speaker 3: I'm afraid of heights that would give support to what
19:04
Speaker 3: we think of women. Right to get over it? That
19:10
Speaker 3: the first time I walked out on the wing of
19:13
Speaker 3: a P three aircraft. I literally held onto the jacket
19:17
Speaker 3: of my supervisor as we walked out on the wing. Well,
19:22
Speaker 3: eventually I got a little braver when I was in
19:29
Speaker 3: learning how to work on this Chinook helicopter. I get
19:32
Speaker 3: up there and I crawl on my hands and knees
19:34
Speaker 3: because I didn't have to worry about losing my balance.
19:37
Speaker 3: I thought it was on my knees. I learned the
19:39
Speaker 3: safe places to walk, and then eventually I was walking
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Speaker 3: up there with everyone who wasn't afraid.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, But that says to me a lot
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Speaker 1: of courage but also confidence, right, And that's the other
19:55
Speaker 1: piece that comes with challenging your fears is the confidence
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Speaker 1: of like, Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna
20:04
Speaker 1: look like you do it because you're walking on the wing.
20:07
Speaker 1: I'm gonna crawl, I'm gonna but I'm gonna get out
20:10
Speaker 1: there and I'm gonna give you the information that you
20:13
Speaker 1: need and you can laugh at the way it looks,
20:16
Speaker 1: you can make fun of it that I'm on my
20:18
Speaker 1: hands and knees and let me tell you and let
20:23
Speaker 1: me laugh along with you. Yeah, I look crazy, but
20:25
Speaker 1: look I got the information right and that level of confidence,
20:31
Speaker 1: self confidence that I think comes from naming what's happening
20:38
Speaker 1: and just being able to challenge it, like, Okay, this
20:42
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that the fact that I'm afraid doesn't mean
20:45
Speaker 1: that I don't have the knowledge or the capability to
20:48
Speaker 1: do it. It just means I may have to do
20:51
Speaker 1: it and look different. Okay, And what's the what's the
20:55
Speaker 1: worst that can happen if I look different? I already
20:58
Speaker 1: look different. I'm a woman, heavy, i'm black, I'm this,
21:01
Speaker 1: I already look different from from somebody. And now, okay,
21:08
Speaker 1: I've done that, and I've learned, how what what? What?
21:12
Speaker 1: What else can I do? What else can I challenge
21:15
Speaker 1: myself to do? So I'm big on challenging. I challenged
21:23
Speaker 1: myself a lot. Sometimes I'm I'm I'm good at it.
21:29
Speaker 1: And sometimes I'm like, yeah, that's a challenge. We're just
21:31
Speaker 1: not gonna We're not ready for it. We're not ready
21:33
Speaker 1: for it. I'm just not gonna do it.
21:34
Speaker 3: I think I'm a perfectly good airplane. I don't understand it. No, Yes,
21:39
Speaker 3: I'm afraid of hides, but I still would that if
21:43
Speaker 3: I felt it.
21:44
Speaker 1: Was necessary necessary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm terribly afraid
21:50
Speaker 1: of rodents, and someone said you should do exposure therapy
21:54
Speaker 1: for them. I was like, why, I just don't need
22:00
Speaker 1: to be around rodents, and I think that that's okay.
22:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, it's true.
22:07
Speaker 1: I guess that's true.
22:09
Speaker 3: But take your battles. Yeah, yeah, and that's that's good advice,
22:16
Speaker 3: a good parenting hack. Pick your battles, your battles your
22:20
Speaker 3: child is seriously, seriously afraid, don't force it, because that's
22:26
Speaker 3: going to put up all kinds of barriers in the
22:29
Speaker 3: future they have to want to overcome and encourage.
22:34
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then it comes that
22:38
Speaker 1: that word that I always hear, which should oh yeah yeah.
22:45
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, why should I? Why should I be
22:52
Speaker 1: not afraid of rodents? Why should I want to jump
22:55
Speaker 1: out of an airplane? Why should I want to pick
22:59
Speaker 1: up a lantern fly when they scare the bajeebas out
23:02
Speaker 1: of me? Why do I? Why should I do it? Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
23:07
Speaker 1: There's a phrase that says your gifts will make room
23:11
Speaker 1: for you. I think that's how it goes, and it's
23:14
Speaker 1: just sort of like, you know, focus on what you
23:17
Speaker 1: do have and there'll be a space for you. Is
23:22
Speaker 1: it going to be the same space that anybody somebody
23:24
Speaker 1: else has No, But these are your gifts and they're
23:27
Speaker 1: making room for you to live in them. So yeah, good.
23:33
Speaker 3: That is another great tip for parents. Her child has
23:39
Speaker 3: their superpower, what makes them unique and special, what that is,
23:47
Speaker 3: and do more of it because that's what will bring
23:50
Speaker 3: them joy.
23:51
Speaker 1: Joy. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, and that joy pieces
23:57
Speaker 1: is key, right, Like not everything happen to be a career.
24:01
Speaker 1: Not everything has to be something that you shine at,
24:05
Speaker 1: but what.
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Speaker 3: Brings you joy, and that's what when it came time
24:10
Speaker 3: to retire, that's what I decided that if I was
24:14
Speaker 3: having fun doing it, then even if I didn't make money,
24:18
Speaker 3: that would be okay. But I have found since I'm
24:22
Speaker 3: having fun doing it, I do more of it and
24:26
Speaker 3: the money is following.
24:27
Speaker 1: Mm. Your gifts make room for you, right.
24:31
Speaker 3: And what I hate hearing is I wanted to be
24:37
Speaker 3: a teacher, but my parents told me finance would make
24:40
Speaker 3: more money. Or I wanted to be a stay at
24:44
Speaker 3: home mom, but everyone told me I should go to
24:48
Speaker 3: work because it takes two incomes.
24:50
Speaker 1: Yeah.
24:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, listen to everybody else. They're shooting all over you.
24:55
Speaker 1: They are shut on you. It's true. It's well that
24:59
Speaker 1: was mine. No one told me I couldn't be a
25:02
Speaker 1: writer like my mom was is still very very open,
25:07
Speaker 1: and she said, well, what do you want to do?
25:09
Speaker 1: She was a trailblazer. But my mind said, okay, I
25:15
Speaker 1: like to write, go into journalism. Well, when I was
25:19
Speaker 1: studying journalism, I found that I was better at making
25:22
Speaker 1: up stories than reporting stories. And that's not a good journey.
25:27
Speaker 1: So I put it on the back burner and I
25:30
Speaker 1: found different ways to use my skill and found other
25:34
Speaker 1: skills that I was also that I also enjoyed. But
25:38
Speaker 1: it came back around right like that was the thing
25:42
Speaker 1: that at the end of today is the thing that
25:45
Speaker 1: makes me happy and buoyant. You know, I feel like
25:51
Speaker 1: I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm creative,
25:55
Speaker 1: and I can be creative in other other aspects of
25:58
Speaker 1: my life, but being able to focus here doing needleca
26:03
Speaker 1: I love to quilt, dancing, things that are more in
26:08
Speaker 1: that creative realm are the things that really fill my heart.
26:13
Speaker 1: And so you know, my skills and my gifts are
26:19
Speaker 1: making room for me, and they don't always make room
26:22
Speaker 1: for you in the moment that you think they should,
26:25
Speaker 1: but don't let them go right.
26:29
Speaker 3: Yes, there's so many things that I did as a
26:33
Speaker 3: child that you know. Once I joined the Navy, I'm like, okay,
26:37
Speaker 3: I put us put music aside. Well, of course I
26:41
Speaker 3: played the tuba, and I always borrowed my instrument from
26:44
Speaker 3: the school, so I'm no longer a student. I have
26:47
Speaker 3: no instrument to play, bye bye. And then I loved sewing,
26:53
Speaker 3: and then from turning wrenches for so many years, hands
26:57
Speaker 3: won't let me do that anymore, and just one thing
27:01
Speaker 3: after another. Well I still can't sew. I still don't
27:07
Speaker 3: play music. But I love to dance, always love to dance,
27:13
Speaker 3: and I am in a performing dance troupe.
27:16
Speaker 1: Oh wow, what kind of dance?
27:18
Speaker 3: Belly dancing very good.
27:21
Speaker 1: I love belly dance. I took it for a little while.
27:24
Speaker 1: That's wonderful. Such control. But I think that that all
27:30
Speaker 1: of these skills that we're talking about really resonate with
27:34
Speaker 1: me because they're things that I struggle with. I think
27:38
Speaker 1: they're things that all of us struggle with, and they're
27:41
Speaker 1: things because I recognize that I struggle with them, I
27:46
Speaker 1: write about them. I love that you said you're shooting yourself,
27:51
Speaker 1: because that is my favorite praise, and I think kids
27:54
Speaker 1: when you say it, they're like, oh yeah, yourself and
28:02
Speaker 1: recognizing when that's happening. And for parents to be able
28:04
Speaker 1: to be like, I just I just should, all over
28:10
Speaker 1: the situation, all over what you just said, all over
28:14
Speaker 1: what I really want and so and giving language to again.
28:19
Speaker 1: Language language is so key. Being able to use language
28:23
Speaker 1: that is going to captivate the mind and stick with
28:28
Speaker 1: you and be like, okay, that's what I'm doing up.
28:32
Speaker 1: They're your dinosaur brains going at it again. My sister
28:36
Speaker 1: will always tell me. I'll say, oh no, I can't
28:38
Speaker 1: do that, and that wait, I need you to look
28:41
Speaker 1: at where your dinosaur brain is taking you right now?
28:45
Speaker 1: What exactly is that your brain? Or is that your
28:48
Speaker 1: dinosaur brain? Put on your sparkly glasses, what do you see?
28:52
Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, all right, do not use my
28:55
Speaker 1: words against me, but yes.
28:58
Speaker 3: Sometimes I shouldn't do that. Is really you saying I
29:03
Speaker 3: don't want you to do that and knowing the clear
29:09
Speaker 3: definition between what you're trying to say wants is very important.
29:15
Speaker 3: So okay. Tip number three parents, if your kids say
29:20
Speaker 3: they can't do something, is it because they think they
29:25
Speaker 3: shouldn't because their friends are telling them it's not cool.
29:30
Speaker 3: Or do they not want to do it because they're
29:33
Speaker 3: afraid of doing it? Are they afraid of failing? Are
29:37
Speaker 3: they afraid of disappointing? Are they afraid of being ostracized?
29:42
Speaker 3: Figure out the root cause of why they don't want
29:47
Speaker 3: to do it and why you.
29:50
Speaker 1: Feel that they should and find different language for that.
29:56
Speaker 1: And this is a good skill for you to learn.
29:59
Speaker 1: The That's why I'm saying, I want you to learn
30:04
Speaker 1: how to wash the dishes or do some laundry or
30:08
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Right, That's why you should do it
30:12
Speaker 1: because well, number one, because you are part of the family.
30:15
Speaker 1: But also these are good skills for you to have,
30:19
Speaker 1: and I'm teaching you right language.
30:24
Speaker 3: For the longest time, I did not like math. I
30:29
Speaker 3: was trying to make it through college without taking math,
30:34
Speaker 3: and I was doing really well at that at first,
30:38
Speaker 3: you know, I did all the histories in the English
30:41
Speaker 3: and all of that. And then I went to Advanced
30:45
Speaker 3: Electronics school in the Navy. They took us from one
30:49
Speaker 3: post one equals to two calculus in two weeks. What
30:55
Speaker 3: that did for me is I saw a need for math.
31:00
Speaker 3: M Until that point, I saw no need to learn
31:06
Speaker 3: something so boring, but when I could apply it to
31:11
Speaker 3: I think interesting, that's when it's sparked something inside of
31:16
Speaker 3: me to say, oh, now I understand why not that
31:21
Speaker 3: I should learn it, but the usefulness of man. Yeah,
31:28
Speaker 3: and here's where I want to just use a friend's term,
31:31
Speaker 3: Lisa Askew. She's a motivational speaker, and she says the
31:37
Speaker 3: old saying lead them to water and they're not going
31:40
Speaker 3: to drink, you have to make them thirsty.
31:44
Speaker 1: Mm hm mm hmm mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that's how
31:52
Speaker 1: I learn necessity is the mother of invention.
31:56
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, And that's why in my children's program, I
32:01
Speaker 3: do a lot with STEM. I have twenty science videos
32:05
Speaker 3: loaded up in my portal the kids to explore, and
32:09
Speaker 3: then my next goal is to add science experiments to
32:14
Speaker 3: get the kids interacting and involved in the science and
32:19
Speaker 3: the math. And do you know that I have figured
32:23
Speaker 3: out or not figured out, but I've witnessed kids don't
32:27
Speaker 3: know how to tell time at an old fashioned clock.
32:29
Speaker 3: So I'm gonna have a chapter in my portal for
32:33
Speaker 3: kids how to tell time.
32:38
Speaker 1: Smart. Yeah, yeah, all the old skills, because God forbid,
32:45
Speaker 1: there's something that takes us off of this, I wouldn't
32:51
Speaker 1: know how to get from point A to point B
32:52
Speaker 1: because GPS is my friend. I know how to well,
32:58
Speaker 1: I used to know how to read them mak app.
33:01
Speaker 1: I haven't practiced reading them map in a long time.
33:05
Speaker 1: So they evens no, I think, because they used to
33:10
Speaker 1: sell them at the at the gas station, right, they
33:13
Speaker 1: have to There's got to be somewhere somewhere, maybe from
33:19
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty three, but so the roads have changed, but
33:22
Speaker 1: I don't know.
33:25
Speaker 3: Might just my husband is a big prepper, so we
33:29
Speaker 3: have a little spot on the closets, say for stuff
33:32
Speaker 3: like that. I guess we need to get an at
33:34
Speaker 3: list to put in there.
33:36
Speaker 1: You do you do? Because you won't know where you are,
33:39
Speaker 1: where you're going? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We are we are.
33:43
Speaker 1: We are wiser but really dependent. And that idea of
33:50
Speaker 1: how do we how can we how can we build
33:53
Speaker 1: our confidence and our ability to figure things out? And
33:59
Speaker 1: if you're if you're told, or if you tell yourself nope,
34:03
Speaker 1: you're gonna break it. You're gonna break it, just put
34:06
Speaker 1: it down. You're gonna break it and that's gonna be bad.
34:11
Speaker 1: That cuts out that that ability to tinker and figure
34:16
Speaker 1: figure it out and break something so that you can
34:20
Speaker 1: figure out. Okay, can I put it back together? Oh nope,
34:23
Speaker 1: can't put it back together. Now I know, don't touch
34:26
Speaker 1: that piece because that will break it for good? Right
34:29
Speaker 1: like that? That learning? That that that fear of learning
34:35
Speaker 1: from failure.
34:36
Speaker 3: Even you don't know how many times I do that
34:39
Speaker 3: on the airplanes, you know, following the book, going step
34:44
Speaker 3: by step, and then ooh, that didn't work right, So
34:47
Speaker 3: you call one of the more experienced people out and
34:51
Speaker 3: they show you what you did wrong.
34:53
Speaker 1: It's learning, it's learning, it's learning, it's learning.
34:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I remember remember a lesson my mom was
35:02
Speaker 3: teaching me I didn't want to learn at the time.
35:05
Speaker 3: I was in third grade, learning how to use a dictionary,
35:09
Speaker 3: and she said, I could tell you how to spell
35:12
Speaker 3: the word, but you need to learn how to look
35:15
Speaker 3: it up yourself. And oh, I was so frustrated. I
35:19
Speaker 3: can't do it, you can't do it, And then she
35:23
Speaker 3: walked me through it. Go do some more homework. Come back,
35:28
Speaker 3: how do you spell? I told you use the dictionary.
35:34
Speaker 3: If parents continue doing things for their kids, they'll never
35:38
Speaker 3: learn how to do it themselves.
35:41
Speaker 1: Well, because what your mom did sounds like she did
35:45
Speaker 1: it with you. Yeah, Oh, and sometimes you got to
35:49
Speaker 1: do it with them over and over again. I was
35:51
Speaker 1: when you were saying that, I was reminded of a
35:53
Speaker 1: story someone told me. They were at like at Sunday School,
35:59
Speaker 1: and I didn't know how to find that. They say,
36:03
Speaker 1: go to this verse and this this chapter in this book,
36:07
Speaker 1: and uh, they go like, where is it? Where is it?
36:11
Speaker 1: Where is it? And they were told not to use
36:14
Speaker 1: the table of content. Well why is it there if
36:19
Speaker 1: it's not for me to use? But that that shaming
36:22
Speaker 1: of Well you should already know. Everybody should just into
36:26
Speaker 1: it where it is and figure it out. No, use
36:30
Speaker 1: all of the tools that are there for you. That
36:34
Speaker 1: means from the the more experienced engineer to your mom
36:40
Speaker 1: to a dictionary. Use all of the tools, all the
36:43
Speaker 1: resources that you can. That's why they're there, and not
36:48
Speaker 1: being afraid to do it. So lesson number I don't
36:51
Speaker 1: know which lesson we're on. We're on for use all
36:57
Speaker 1: of the resources. Encourage using all of the resources and
37:03
Speaker 1: making that the norm, not something that is a sign
37:09
Speaker 1: of weakness that they should already know.
37:12
Speaker 3: Here's a good time for a plug. If you are
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Speaker 3: enjoying this episode of Parents Talk. Please tell your friends
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Speaker 3: how I can make improvements. And if you like my
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Speaker 3: friend Tabby Man, we're going to tell you how to
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Speaker 3: get in touch with her. Tabby tell them how they
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Speaker 3: could get in touch with you. Find your books.
37:41
Speaker 1: I am published with Dinosaur Brains under my name Tabitha
37:46
Speaker 1: re named Man, and you can get that on Amazon.
37:50
Speaker 1: Just look for Dinosaur Brains by Tabitha Tabitha Man, and
37:55
Speaker 1: I be right there. I do have a website, but
37:58
Speaker 1: it's actually more for my adult fiction, and that is
38:02
Speaker 1: Dorcas Renee dot com. Uh so d O R C
38:06
Speaker 1: A S R E n e E dot com.
38:11
Speaker 3: Awesome, Kevin, Are you on social media? Can we connect
38:14
Speaker 3: with you there?
38:15
Speaker 1: Facebook? Yep, yeah, I'll be honest. Okay, So here's where
38:19
Speaker 1: my dinosaur rings kicks in. I'm like, all right, I
38:26
Speaker 1: gotta figure out Instagram, all right, and so I use
38:30
Speaker 1: my my resources, which are my millennial nieces and nephew.
38:37
Speaker 1: So I'm there, but I'm not. I don't have a
38:39
Speaker 1: huge presence just yet. But Facebook definitely at Dorcas Renee
38:44
Speaker 1: or Tabby Man on Facebook and you can find me there, and.
38:49
Speaker 3: That's with us. Let's keep this conversation going. Definitely really
38:56
Speaker 3: like to know what you my audience thinks about all
38:59
Speaker 3: this and should we have Tabby back on ask questions
39:04
Speaker 3: and we will follow up with more tips and tricks
39:08
Speaker 3: for raising confident kids on Parents Talk