Latest / Very Fine Friends / Deconstructing St. Rivington

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Deconstructing St. Rivington · Very Fine Friends

0:00
well i sent a instagram message to ida truturo oh janice of sopranos fame yes she was also in
0:24
angie and she was in deep blue sea uh good and plenty yeah just trying to remember yes she was
0:32
in that she got blown off a watchtower and i mean i mean she died not in the fun way right
0:40
anyway i just sometimes i get these feelings and i want to like reach out to people and i feel
0:46
compelled to message them and tell them how much i like them as people and uh the other night i was
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like i don't know what she's up to and i looked up her instagram and she's just like doing
0:54
her own thing and she seems happy and she seems really nice and i've wanted to send her a message
1:02
oh that's nice did she respond not yet right but she will maybe sometimes they do most of the time
1:11
they don't yeah was that tattoo on her boob real i don't think so i mean it was like it's such like
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a perfect thing for Janice to have in the show that it's.
1:23
You think that was the whole audition?
1:24
She walked in, she had that tattoo.
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Yeah, they're like, all right, here.
1:27
Yeah, you got it.
1:28
You got it.
1:30
I like her brother too, John DeTuro.
1:32
Oh, I know.
1:32
It's crazy, right?
1:33
Yeah.
1:34
It was a fake tattoo in The Sopranos.
1:36
It was a fake one?
1:37
Thank you, BJ.
1:40
Producer Joe?
1:41
Yeah, I was trying something.
1:42
Okay.
1:43
Do we like it?
1:43
Well, at first I thought you said BJ and then I was confused.
1:46
I liked that a lot.
1:47
Nice.
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of the fake thing yeah oh what about the real and the real thing good not as much i get it thanks bj
1:56
bj um she was such a great character in that show so just
2:06
she was perfect like just yeah she was perfect like you you she was chaos complete chaos you
2:16
just knew she was going to ruin whatever she touched um i was thinking about this because i
2:20
see these same clips pop up all the time it's like why watch it again when i know on tiktok
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i'm just going to see a thousand clips but there's this one um episode where i remember when she
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steals a prosthetic leg and then she gets her ass kicked yeah yeah and she's in the hospital
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and tony's all pissed because he's like now i gotta take care of this and she goes i give
2:41
myself totally and completely up to god and like he's like yeah okay whatever and as they're getting
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up to leave she's like yeah like i surrender myself to jesus she goes if this is the bottom
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but it was like a like a throwaway like comment like at the very end of the scene it was basically
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her being like as long as it doesn't get any worse yeah god's girl now i love her and that's
3:03
when she did actually like like join some kind of church and she started dating that guy that
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was the narcoleptic yes yeah remember that time she purposely woke him up so she could have an
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emotional reaction to something yeah great so good yeah uh anyway i'll let you know when she um
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good yes keep us surprised let us know um listeners will want to know too she's i mean
3:30
she's listening right now so she'll probably respond she's just been busy with her dog rescue
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what she does oh she does a dog rescue something like that that's nice that's nice she's so nice
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she's so sweet which is like so funny for a character that was just just a shitty human
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being through and through yeah yeah i like it when they're played by nice people it's hard when
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someone like their real life person is ruined by how you feel about characters like someone who's
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always like a really horrible villain i'm like i don't know if i could see you nice now
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like ralphie well he would be so weird to see him like doing an act of kindness joey pants
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yeah well he's kind of been around for a while before being ralphie wasn't he bad in bad boys
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uh possibly i think the commissioner or the captain or whatever the i mean he was in the
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matrix too he was a bad guy in that too but oh yeah he he was eating a steak being like i know
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it's fake but it's so good like i wish i'd taken the blue pill oh you know i've actually never seen
4:40
the matrix oh sorry didn't know i was spoiling anything for you no no it's okay i'll forget
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uh the matrix is good are you sure because you went up pretty either no the matrix is good i'm
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just trying to think like you haven't seen it at this point how much of it is in the zeitgeist
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that you've already kind of absorbed but i think it's good i think it's worth watching it's worth
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one watch yeah i'll check it out i met somebody today uh who had never seen ghostbusters and he
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just watched it last night and he was like yeah ghost but i think what do you think someone well
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he loved it but he said someone he the only reason that he watched it was is he said something like
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who's it gonna who are you gonna call to one of his friends and she went ghostbusters and he was
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like what like he didn't know that reference at all never i which i don't know how that happened
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but that's never once crossed your path but um anyway so he watched he was like yeah it's great
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I love it.
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I can't remember what movie,
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but they had,
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it was some other kind of Ghostbusters movie.
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And they had,
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I'm pretty sure it was Dan Aykroyd had like a cameo in it as the
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Ghostbusters.
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And like,
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he couldn't get rid of whatever it was.
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And he like ran out and he said,
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who are you going to call someone else?
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Was it the lady Ghostbusters?
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No,
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I don't think so.
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I don't know for sure.
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Which by the way,
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when I was living in New York,
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uh,
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I had a, just a UCB class at the training center there. And I,
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so it was like 10 o'clock at night. I come out. Um,
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the training center was at 36th and 8th,
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I think. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Um,
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I come out and right in front is the Ecto one that from the new Ghostbusters
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that they were filming.
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So it was just sitting there on the street because they were several blocks
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away was where they were doing like main filming for the right then so like that's what was like
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the staging area it was like right in front of it was cool how cool is that it was really cool
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it was like seeing a celebrity yeah and i asked it for its autograph and it
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sighed and reluctantly gave it to me said i'm i'm not working right now i sorry this is yeah
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this is my time it had its little ecto kids with it i'm parked the meters like green
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i'm sorry yeah i'm part uh welcome to very fine friends
7:20
for friends sometimes meet celebrities on the street or through instagram well you know i've
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i've done pretty good getting celebrities to talk back to me you have yes um here we go okay he put
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up his finger counting and he goes like like one finger out like he was about to name one and it
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just said yes hands down hands down kirstie alley i told you about this what did she say though what
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was the interaction engaged on what we used to be twitter and i said i had one interaction that
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she liked i don't know what i said she liked it that was thrilling and then later i was like oh
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me and my friend are gonna do a kirstie alley-a-thon what movie should we start with and she
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responded and she gave us a suggestion what did she suggest look who's talking that would be funny
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unfortunately she said deconstructing harry oh really yeah which you did not care for that
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suggestion i was like she's terrible taste in real movies
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cursi if you're listening up in heaven and we know you are she's incredible and she wasn't like a very
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big part of that movie so that was an interesting suggestion right oh yeah well maybe she's trying
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to get you to start from the bottom and work up she could have said that i was listening it true anyway so her i think christy swanson hitting the big case yeah that the only buffer for me christy and kirsty yeah
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anyway i feel like sarah michelle geller would probably be really boring to talk to
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sarah michelle geller oh no she's listening right now don't say that she's like one of
9:00
the scream queens yeah she is yeah but i feel like in real life she's probably not very
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interesting no she's been married to freddie prince jr for years now that's got to be yeah
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that is nice i like that they they're still together yeah i like that joe am i finding
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out in real time that she's not going on our lunch list right now we gotta see we gotta see
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we can get a coffee date maybe all right see how she does her michelle you're on thin ice smg
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no we are with her because of you right now quick interruption every week on the podcast
9:35
we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word. Throughout
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the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation
9:49
without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret word,
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they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
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whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words
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jenna's secret word is telegraph jenna's decoy word is affections francis's secret word is
10:16
runt francis decoy word is ethanol back to the pod what other celebrity interactions is that it
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the big two well two and a half is pretty sure christy swanson say i think she just liked
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something i said um tara hitchcock three tv news oh that was a pretty three tv the place with more
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stuff yeah real ones now she met me numerous i met her numerous times i like no she met you
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first times you had it right the first time and the last time she bought my dinner
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oh wait i think you did tell me this but i wouldn't shut up about it but uh we went to
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fogo to chow because we used to go there for my birthday every year and i was i think there was
11:03
like five or six of us and we were like at a big table and they were next to us and i basically was
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like geeking out about her being there and then she heard it was my birthday and she wished me
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happy birthday i thought that was nice and then when the bill came it only had the alcohol on it
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wow yeah she paid for all the food that's very nice class move and she never even said anything
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wow even classier good for her it's a great lady yeah great lady she's the reason i like
11:31
thank you baby she's the reason you like what scared me i scared you with my own voice um
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blondes oh i'm glad that she opened your eyes yeah yeah that might be the end of the celebrity
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It's a good list, though.
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Still enough to constitute
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raising a hand upon which to count.
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Yes.
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Well, I've met other celebrities in person
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due to my American Idol attempts.
12:01
Yes.
12:02
Livvy Newton-John.
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Yeah.
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Brandy.
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The panel, Ryan Seacrest.
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I talked to Ray Weiss and Avon's once.
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Wait, Ray Weiss?
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Yeah.
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The dad from Twin Peaks, among other things.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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yeah he was weird yeah i would bet wait that's the same is that he is also the dad in uh how i
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met your mother right yeah robin's dad yeah so well you guys have certainly
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invented good reasons to talk to celebrities what else can we invent it's time for the invention of
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the week inventions hit me with it sometimes in life you have to take an invention that you already
12:56
have and make it better take an invention and make it better that was really good that was great
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by you yeah um you know how we have the achandam oh do i i use it every day me too
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100 times a day because of allergy season yeah and it's picking up every time the weather changes
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you're right it reminds everyone to buy them anyway um so here's my new thing
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i was inspired by
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dyson they have a they sell headphones they have a dyson headphones oh okay and that's a weird
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thing for them they do everything they make everything it's crazy okay that actually makes
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me respect them a little less i thought they were focused i thought they were narrow and focused what
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did you think they did i thought they did uh like vacuuming and filtery things yeah i think they did
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anything with air and dust which would cover like the vacuums and the air blades well this
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kind of relates the headphones kind of relate the headphone is all right yeah the headphone
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has a little piece that comes down and um you can put it in front of your face it did look silly
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and it has a hepa filter in and it basically is supposed to like keep the air around your face
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like cleaner oh okay so it's like a really expensive face mask but plays music and um
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i don't think they got it i don't know for sure this is all speculation
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i don't think they got it out in time um because i didn't hear about it till after like we were
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just done talking about cove it was like it would have been people probably would have bought that
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yeah in the middle of it definitely um but whatever why did i tell you that
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because you were inspired by dyson i was inspired by dyson that's right and here's what i'm thinking
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my new invention which by the way comes with an atron so you can try it
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is a visor okay so you're already getting some protection which is great
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and what it does is it detects the pre-sneeze sound and it detects coughing sound okay so someone
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goes it activates i know where this is going why don't you tell me where is it going the
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the pre-sneeze now then the front of the visor is going to flip down in front of your face
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to work as like a sneeze guard yeah i'm stupid i definitely thought that there was gonna be
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a little fan attached to the visor and it was just gonna start blowing air down to redirect
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the bad chemicals that is good too actually that's nice it's good to blow air away from you
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because then you're blowing it towards somebody else the small child that's right below you
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maybe they should buy their own
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they should buy their own
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I can't worry about them
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anyway so there's two versions
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one the visor comes down
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oh yeah if they're wearing a visor
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if they're wearing the visor too
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then it'll protect them
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from the top
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yeah
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so if you
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if it hears the pre-sneeze noise
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coming from above you
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it flips it up
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no it doesn't need to do anything Jenna
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there's already a visor there
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protecting you
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I mean it stays up then
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yeah
16:38
we're saying the dyson airblade protects you but it's our own people around you
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we're done talking about dyson we're done with i was using that like like when people say kleenex
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like oh yeah synecdoche i was using a specific word to represent the whole group um so
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but then all right but then also the fan okay oh i just like that yeah
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and then it goes into a hanging of shondom that's right below you
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so you know immediately you can if you want if you want an extra layer protection you could take the shondom and put it over your face under the visor That is great for coughing too right So if it picks up coughing sounds it like we need to get you protected
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Yeah.
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And actually, I like the idea of the visor coming down and it blowing air away from your face.
17:41
You know?
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what if we have it blowing directly at your mouth so the air just pushes it right back in
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you sneeze and it just like goes back into your mouth oh this isn't for you sneezing
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this is if people around you start to sneeze or cough i thought it was
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this is a self-protective measure okay of course it's of course this is selfish
18:06
we're not trying to help the world well this helps the world by helping you
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You know they say you can't
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put someone else's face mask on
18:16
until you secure your own. Put your oxygen mask
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on first and before you can help the
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child. Exactly.
18:22
It's standing below you. It's standing right in front of you.
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Oh,
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okay.
18:27
So it would be that
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fast? It happens that fast?
18:32
Well, here's the problem.
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Here's the reality.
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If
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someone's two inches from your face
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and they sneeze there's not much we're going to be able to do that's just the reality but but but
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in that situation if someone's two inches from your face you're probably making out with them
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so you're already swapping spit so you that train has left the station yeah so 100 but wouldn't you
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rather make out with a visor on just clinking visors together hot i'm picturing them like um
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like you know next week's invention visor porn uh tonight's invention perverts uh we know you're
19:15
surprisingly that one actually will not be able to be co-opted by perverts that's the one it's
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the whole full poof pervert plan stay tuned listeners
19:24
you know now i'm trying to think how perverts will co-opt this they can't
19:30
they can't this is they're gonna try and test it out and no never mind it's too gross no this is
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PP. It's pervert proof. Okay. What was I going to say? Oh, I'm picturing it like, um, the,
19:43
like old timey accountants or whatever. They have those like green visors. Yeah. I'm picturing it
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like that. Yeah. Is that how you were picturing it? I was picturing it clear, but it could be
19:56
green. We sell them in different colors. Marco's modern life print. Of course. Natch.
20:00
natch uh so people are just gonna have to be wearing you have a lot of wearable things
20:10
people like to wear things clothes shoes accessories their hearts on their sleeves
20:17
their sleeves on their hearts does anyone out there has a heart with a full sleeve
20:21
like a tattooed i was picturing like little
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little sleeves like a little jacket or like a little button-up shirt
20:31
that'd be funny heart you mustn't catch cold
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you'll catch a death heart
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so okay let's role play a situation okay
20:48
hey francis what up girl oh it's sure is hay fever season
20:56
yeah i heard that on the news oh wow um what what
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oh i just forgot to tell you my mom is so sick oh hold on i gotta reset this thing
21:08
oh my god i'm so sorry where'd you go just then oh it's this amazing new device that's reasonably
21:17
priced that everyone should have oh um you said something about your mom yeah i did um she's in
21:24
the hospital and then i know and uh oh my god yes oh that dog sorry that dog had the cutest
21:36
expression on its face okay you're giving me a lot of false alarms here this is this is a
21:42
Oh, I'm sorry.
21:43
What does that mean?
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I'm just reacting like a normal human being.
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I'm just gasping and taking breath at normal.
21:50
Well, stop.
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This was very reasonably priced, but I don't have to buy another one.
21:56
Are you sure?
21:57
I think the people that are making it would want you to buy multiples.
22:00
You know what?
22:01
I should.
22:02
I should buy three.
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Anyway, your mom?
22:06
Yeah, she's in the hospital.
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She had a bit of the gout.
22:11
Oh, that's tough.
22:12
Well, hey, I gotta run.
22:13
Oh, fuck!
22:15
No.
22:18
No, but it came down.
22:19
Oh, it actually came down.
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I detected that.
22:21
That's amazing.
22:22
Okay.
22:22
I said the F word because you scared me.
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Not because my product didn't work.
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Then I would pay 10 times as much as I paid for it.
22:29
Luckily, you didn't have to.
22:30
Right, but I would.
22:32
But you didn't.
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Whatever I could carry in gold, I would have paid for this thing.
22:36
Which is a lot because you're strong.
22:37
Yeah, in my car, too.
22:39
Oh, wow.
22:40
Trunk included.
22:40
oh and you have a roomy junk busters car yeah ecto one yeah it's a long one
22:47
uh that's i guess well we've established it works so that's good yeah and you don't even
22:55
have to clean it it's self-cleaning oh that's amazing how does it self-clean is it like a
23:00
little like windshield wipers come out yeah there's a built-in reservoir with ethanol so that
23:05
it cleans it.
23:09
And then if you're really desperate for a drink,
23:12
you can drink ethanol.
23:15
You can't drink ethanol.
23:17
Is that not like a kind of...
23:19
No.
23:20
I don't know why I feel like
23:22
listeners drink ethanol report back.
23:27
Okay.
23:28
I'm encouraging you.
23:29
If you don't have any liquor in your house,
23:31
but you really want to drink,
23:32
drink some ethanol.
23:35
And Francis is a lawyer, so...
23:38
I said shit about drinking.
23:40
You can't have any of that.
23:42
No, trust me, you can.
23:43
It's fine.
23:45
Makes it with a little grapefruit juice with a salt rim.
23:48
You got yourself a nice...
23:49
That sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard.
23:51
No, it's a salty dog.
23:53
That's what that's called.
23:54
You can't drink the thing that could be up to 10% in gasoline.
24:00
That's just how potent it is.
24:02
you do what i'm trying to say is it'll get you fucked up
24:07
yeah you can try it you'll need a walking stick because you'll go blind
24:11
yeah blind drunk listeners have it at your next party
24:19
you can do this i promise it's fine by yourself tonight yeah you watch the movie watch ghostbusters
24:27
with a little ethanol.
24:28
Francis's voice is appearing now
24:30
to remind everyone not to do this.
24:33
Quick interruption.
24:34
Don't drink ethanol.
24:37
Oh, too good.
24:39
Back to the pod.
24:40
Back to the pod.
24:41
Thank you.
24:43
What are we naming this?
24:48
Sneeze, please.
24:50
Okay, write it down.
24:51
Like bitch, please?
24:53
Mm-hmm.
24:54
Ooh, that's good too.
24:55
Just bitch, please.
24:57
What about germ face?
25:01
That makes it sound like you have germs all over your face.
25:05
The germs are not coming.
25:10
What about sterile Daryl?
25:14
Ooh.
25:18
Okay.
25:19
I was in high school.
25:21
I wrote a fake song about a woman who couldn't have kids and I called it sterile's trail.
25:25
You did?
25:25
Yeah.
25:26
Maybe that's why you liked my idea
25:28
Probably
25:28
Brought it back
25:29
You guys are like two peas
25:32
Two peas in a bear in pond
25:36
Bitch peas
25:36
Yeah
25:39
Very good
25:40
Thanks
25:41
Bitch don't sneeze
25:44
Something about visor
25:47
God bless me
25:49
Or just bless me to make it
25:56
Plus me.
25:56
Yeah.
25:57
Non We don want to scare away potential markets It true We all at the money Yeah I don care what you believe Pay me Capitalism is our only God Yep
26:09
Pfizer miser.
26:12
I don't know why I try.
26:15
Not that we actually should do this,
26:18
but it is a funny name to me.
26:21
We could partner with Pfizer and then call it the Pfizer visor.
26:24
They're looking for the, to break into a new market.
26:27
No, they're not.
26:28
They're going to hate this because you're going to be preventing so many illnesses.
26:34
They're probably going to want to buy the product from us.
26:36
And then shut it down.
26:38
I don't really care what they do with it.
26:39
Yeah, that's true.
26:40
If they pay enough, who gives a shit?
26:42
Maybe we should make our prices really, really high to start just in case they buy all of them.
26:47
All I can say is buy it now, everyone, because Pfizer is interested.
26:50
We've decided.
26:51
Yeah.
26:52
Get on this train right now.
26:54
Be advised.
26:56
Nice.
26:57
That was good, Joe.
26:59
Okay.
27:01
All right.
27:03
Well, germ face is probably available right now.
27:09
Get it?
27:09
Because we're about to change seasons, folks.
27:12
Yeah.
27:12
You know what that means?
27:14
It means when the weather starts getting cooler, everyone starts getting sick because there's like new pollen and stuff in the air.
27:21
And no amount of drinking ethanol will kill the diseases inside of you.
27:27
right although it will kill a certain amount so do drink it if you feel
27:30
it will kill other things as well so again i have to say no but maybe is what i have to say
27:39
if you're in a pinch drink your ethanol pick one of pick up one of these germ faces
27:47
if you're in a country where we can't be sued sure absolutely our international listeners
27:54
I will personally send you a bottle of ethanol.
28:00
Oh, man.
28:03
So, anyways, go to veryfinefriends.com.
28:09
Pick up your germ face.
28:19
They're available now.
28:21
That wraps up the invention of the week
28:25
It's time now
28:28
For our next segment
28:30
The casting slouch
28:33
Fine, I guess I'll cast you
28:36
What's all that about?
28:39
Let me explain it to you, Francis
28:41
You and I are going to be casting directors
28:44
We'll each be casting directors
28:48
And we'll each
28:49
be people try to get auditions.
28:54
We'll be doing auditions for roles that we really want to get
28:57
and for various fictional projects that might exist.
29:02
Okay.
29:03
That sounds fun.
29:05
Yeah.
29:06
You'll be the first director?
29:08
Sure.
29:09
Sure.
29:10
I can do that.
29:10
You show me how it works.
29:11
Okay.
29:14
Hi, welcome in.
29:15
Oh, hi.
29:16
Thanks so much.
29:16
I'm so excited.
29:17
Oh, yeah.
29:18
No, great.
29:19
Oh, good. You have your head shot there. Great. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. Um, okay. So you will be
29:26
reading for the part of grandpapa. No, no problem. I can do that. And here are your sides. Um,
29:34
the play is called the school mistress's lament. If you can just go ahead and you have a pretty
29:43
emotional monologue. Okay. Yeah. So whenever you're ready. Oh, thank you. Whenever you're
29:48
ready thank you and thank you for the opportunity oh of course of course
29:50
my granddaughter's in here you can't keep me away from the school i pay for it now open up the gates
30:15
and let me in.
30:17
I'm a man, damn it.
30:19
And I've lived through a lot.
30:22
I've got a bionic knee
30:23
and I've got
30:25
Medicare. And that
30:27
might not be enough for you, but it's
30:29
enough for me.
30:33
Oh,
30:33
God. Okay.
30:35
All right.
30:38
Great.
30:40
Could you do that
30:41
one more time?
30:43
But this time, could you do
30:45
it as if your granddaughter is hanging from the clock tower about to plummet to her death.
30:56
So a little more terror, if you could.
31:00
More terror.
31:01
Yeah.
31:01
Okay.
31:02
Is that really happening?
31:04
Yes.
31:04
Oh, sorry.
31:05
I know you only got a short portion of the script, but yes, that's what's happening.
31:08
Okay.
31:10
Metaphorically.
31:10
All right.
31:11
Let me see what I can do with that.
31:13
Oh my God.
31:14
My granddaughter's is
31:17
Suspended from that thing
31:20
Please
31:21
You've gotta let me in
31:23
I've got me a moment left to live
31:25
I know I'm better
31:26
Please she's
31:27
She's falling down now
31:29
Marissa
31:31
Grandpappy's coming
31:33
Okay
31:36
Great
31:37
We'll be in touch
31:39
Thank you so much
31:40
Thank you so much
31:44
welcome in hello oh hi hi you're here for the audition yeah oh yeah yeah yes this is wonderful
31:54
oh turn oh good angle oh thank you so much oh this is very good your parents made one good
32:02
decision i can say it oh thank you i'll let them know please do um let's not do a script
32:10
Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, sure. Improv.
32:12
I want to see what you could do.
32:15
Okay.
32:18
What I want to know is can you be religious?
32:26
Can you be led by your religion in everything you do?
32:34
Can you work at Macy's?
32:36
And can you find a line between pushing your religion and not getting fired?
32:43
That's the job I want from you.
32:46
Oh, okay.
32:49
Any particular denomination or belief system?
32:53
Yes, but I can't tell you what it is.
32:56
Oh, okay.
32:57
So I just have to guess.
32:59
You just have to know.
33:01
Okay.
33:02
Y'all?
33:03
All right.
33:04
No, I can do that.
33:06
Okay.
33:11
Hi.
33:13
Perfume sample.
33:14
Perfume sample.
33:16
It'll bring you closer to the Lord.
33:19
Perfume sample.
33:20
Oh, yes.
33:22
Oh, you look like...
33:24
You look like you need the affections of Jesus.
33:28
Like Jesus' affections need to be rained down upon you.
33:32
I'm going to have to stop you.
33:34
I'm sorry.
33:34
I think you're getting fired.
33:36
Do you understand what I meant when I said the line?
33:40
Oh, oh, did I cross the line?
33:42
I went a little too far
33:43
Yeah, I imagine you don't believe
33:45
That would have been an easy complaint
33:48
You'd have lost
33:49
Oh, okay
33:50
Back it up, hit it twice, action
33:53
Hi
33:55
Hi, oh ma'am
33:58
You look like your face could use something
34:02
You look like you could use a bit of a makeover
34:05
come to the clinic counter
34:09
let me make you up
34:10
let me make it look like
34:13
the light of
34:15
some kind of
34:17
being is raining down upon you
34:19
oh
34:21
little rouge
34:22
little rouge will make this work
34:25
oh
34:27
oh no
34:28
the bags under your eyes
34:30
they're the color of your soul
34:32
I can tell
34:33
Let me just clean that right up
34:36
You know what else can be cleansing?
34:41
This holy water
34:41
Ch-ch-ch
34:43
All right. Thank you.
34:48
Oh, okay. So you'll just let my agent know?
34:50
Someone will let you know.
34:51
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
34:59
Jonathan, hi. Come on in.
35:03
Thank you, baby.
35:06
You come very highly recommended.
35:08
Can't believe you're making me do the audition.
35:10
Well, sorry. Everyone's got to read.
35:12
I was dropped off in a limo.
35:14
Does that count for anything anymore?
35:23
So for this scene, what we're going to need for you to do is you're going, this is a bit
35:34
of a meta scene.
35:35
you're going to be a director
35:38
that is trying to get his young ingenue
35:44
to come alive on the stage
35:48
but the problem is
35:49
his crippling, crippling, crippling
35:53
agoraphobia
35:57
so he can't even be in the same room as another person
36:05
and so he speaks only by telegraph.
36:09
So I'm going to need for you to convey
36:11
through words only
36:16
your directions to this young ingenue.
36:23
I've got that condition.
36:26
Got it?
36:27
Okay.
36:29
All right, here you go.
36:31
Whenever you're ready, begin.
36:35
I forgot it.
36:42
Can you hit the high notes one more time?
36:48
You're a director.
36:50
Young ingenue.
36:51
You have crippling agoraphobia.
36:53
You only speak by telegraph.
36:55
Go.
37:02
I'm...
37:03
I got it.
37:05
Here I go
37:07
Whenever you're ready
37:09
June 21st 1942
37:14
I saw you
37:16
I saw you and you were good
37:18
But you weren't great
37:19
You weren't great but you could have been great
37:22
So I say to you now
37:26
Get better
37:27
Eat less
37:30
Dream more
37:32
Get up at 4am and don't go to bed until noon
37:36
Sincerely
37:40
The man who's gonna make a lot of money off you
37:43
New letter
37:46
May 6, 1951
37:50
We did it!
37:51
We did it because of me
37:52
Because of me and you listening to me
37:54
Clap your hands right now
37:57
I'd hug you if I could
37:58
I'd hug you if you'd come over
37:59
I can't leave
38:00
I think you need to branch out, doll
38:04
I think you need to be
38:06
in other pictures
38:07
I think you need to do
38:09
nudes
38:11
write me back
38:13
new letter
38:17
September 1st
38:21
1971
38:23
sorry I couldn't go to your mother's funeral
38:30
I don't know why you had it outside my house.
38:36
Anyway, write me back.
38:41
Wow, that was inspired.
38:43
It's, um, are you sure you haven't read this script before?
38:48
Because you covered not only the 30-year time span so perfectly,
38:56
but the mother's funeral at the end
39:01
and yeah
39:04
the nudes
39:07
it's just the way it all goes
39:10
isn't it
39:11
well Jonathan there's a reason you're the pro
39:12
we'll be in touch
39:14
hey
39:16
come on in
39:22
hi
39:24
Hi
39:24
Come on in
39:25
Don't be shy
39:26
What was your first
39:27
Your first Audi
39:27
Um
39:28
My second
39:30
This is my second
39:31
Oh tell me about your first
39:32
Oh um
39:33
I was
39:34
Twelve
39:35
Um
39:36
I
39:37
I was
39:39
It was the play in here at the wind
39:40
I didn't get
39:42
I didn't get
39:42
Oh
39:43
I was
39:43
Oh
39:44
Yeah I was
39:46
Juror number four
39:46
It was a silent part
39:48
Well we'll just treat this like your first
39:49
Okay
39:50
Oh oh
39:50
Okay all right
39:51
Don't stress
39:52
Just relax
39:53
I'm not going to ask you to do anything.
39:54
I wouldn't feel comfortable doing myself.
39:56
Okay.
39:56
Okay.
39:56
Thank you so much.
39:57
Thank you.
39:58
Um, this isn't going to be like a normal read.
40:04
I don't have context for that.
40:05
So I don't know what a normal read is.
40:06
Oh, you're right, sweetie.
40:07
You're right, honey.
40:08
Um, what's going to happen is instead of you reading alone, we're going to read together.
40:13
Oh, okay.
40:14
That's good.
40:15
Yes.
40:15
So I am self-producing this film.
40:17
Um, it's called Mother Madness.
40:20
Okay.
40:20
And it strongly follows my life with a crazy mother who I'll be playing.
40:27
And you're going to be me.
40:29
Oh, okay.
40:30
So what I want you to do is I want you to be a total and complete victim.
40:34
And I want you to not have the tools to stand up for yourself.
40:37
Okay.
40:38
Somehow try.
40:40
While I unload all my shit onto you.
40:44
Okay.
40:45
Think you can do that, sweetie?
40:47
I think I can handle that.
40:49
Okay.
40:50
So I'm the victim.
40:50
You're the victim.
40:52
And, okay.
40:55
All right.
40:56
All right.
40:57
Thank you so much for coming.
40:59
Okay, I'm sorry.
41:00
Yep, you're fine.
41:02
There's no wrong answers.
41:03
Okay.
41:03
But if there are, I'll tell you.
41:04
Thank you.
41:06
All right.
41:12
Where the fuck have you been?
41:15
Schooled out hours ago.
41:17
I was working for you
41:29
I worked at the grocery store after school for you
41:33
Don't talk back to me you stuttering little runt
41:38
You little floo's monger
41:41
You little daddy's girl
41:43
You little cheese head
41:46
Go ahead.
41:49
Lay it on me.
41:51
It's not like I haven't heard it all before.
41:54
From you, mother.
41:56
That was everything before I had you No I nothing I heard the stories from Father He told me He told me you were used up by the time he got to you
42:10
Hmm.
42:12
Let me just light this cigarette over here.
42:14
And burn you with it, you little bitch!
42:16
Me! Me!
42:19
Now, Ma.
42:21
He might not even be your father.
42:22
That's my grocery arm that you just burnt.
42:26
Good.
42:26
I want you to know you're picking up bruised fruit.
42:29
That's what he called you.
42:31
Bruised fruit.
42:33
That was, that's what he said.
42:35
It was the town's nickname for you.
42:37
Oh, here's your acceptance letter to Georgetown.
42:40
Tearing it up.
42:41
No.
42:41
I'm tearing it up.
42:42
No.
42:42
It's torn.
42:43
No.
42:44
It's torn and shorn its pieces.
42:46
Everybody knows that you need the original letter, otherwise they don't let you in.
42:50
Exactly.
42:52
Why are you like this?
42:54
Are you jealous of my youth?
42:56
My mom hurt me
43:02
Baby, come here
43:05
The cycle can't continue
43:06
Baby, come here, we'll glue it together
43:08
We'll glue it back
43:09
You're going to Georgetown, baby
43:10
Thank you
43:11
You're going to
43:12
Is that my fucking perfume?
43:17
Mommy, no!
43:18
Ow, here, I'll douse you in it
43:20
No, don't make me drink it
43:22
Cigarette!
43:26
My face!
43:28
My beautiful, youthful face!
43:31
And scene.
43:33
I'm sorry, was that okay?
43:36
Let's just say,
43:37
I don't think I need to make the movie now.
43:40
Oh.
43:41
Thank you so much.
43:42
Wow.
43:44
Okay.
43:45
I think so.
43:46
You'll be in touch or...
43:49
No.
43:55
Hmm.
43:56
Those are some really powerful auditions.
44:00
Yeah.
44:01
Yeah.
44:02
Acting is...
44:04
Cathartic, I want to say.
44:06
Yeah.
44:06
I mean, yeah.
44:08
Yeah.
44:09
Allison Jones, if you're listening, we know you are.
44:12
We don't know how you do it.
44:14
We do know how you do it.
44:15
We just proved how we know exactly how you do it.
44:17
Well, it's hard.
44:18
That's all I'm saying.
44:19
It's hard definitely for others.
44:20
I mean, I would say for us, that was like wiggling our toes.
44:24
Yeah.
44:24
I guess they don't know how you do it.
44:27
They don't know.
44:27
The rest of them.
44:28
A hundred percent.
44:28
A hundred percent.
44:30
Oh,
44:30
that wraps up the casting slouch.
44:39
All right.
44:41
Time for one final segment.
44:45
The big question.
44:47
The question is very big.
44:51
I really don't think I've asked this.
44:53
Okay.
44:54
If I have, just keep in mind I'm beautiful and therefore worthy of forgiveness and beyond reproach.
45:01
That's right.
45:01
Don't reproach me.
45:03
No, you're too hot for that.
45:05
Too hot for that?
45:06
Yeah.
45:07
You're unreproachable, but not unapproachable.
45:10
Good.
45:11
That's what I want.
45:13
But also check in with me before you approach me.
45:18
Here's my big question.
45:19
And I think we should change it.
45:21
Should it be called big question or should it be called big premise?
45:24
all right question's good yeah i heard it in the tone felt awfully like reproach
45:34
now it was me approaching you here's my big question look how close i am now
45:40
yeah didn't you hear how her got slowly louder yeah she was like changing gears in a honda
45:46
my big question which i'd like to get out okay is um
45:59
if you you got to pick a brand new holiday that has never happened before you have to come up with
46:08
a holiday you have to come up with the lore where it came from you're going to come up with what
46:13
people eat and you got to come up with traditions associated with this new holiday that you're
46:17
inventing right now okay it's funny i realize why you prefaced it with i don't think i've asked this
46:26
before because it feels familiar but i don't remember answering it well that's good it's on
46:34
brand i think it's it feels like a francis question oh great okay
46:40
i feel like maybe we did one where we had to make up an urban legend
46:46
that sounds familiar might be making that up though
46:49
now it's a legend and it's so urban
46:55
yeah why is it called urban legend doesn't urban mean like city
47:03
maybe urban in the sense that a big population has started to believe it
47:08
Oh, that's a good thought.
47:12
Thanks.
47:13
Good speculation.
47:17
Danke.
47:19
Okay.
47:23
My holiday is called...
47:31
wait for it oh yeah
47:42
it was
47:44
it's called
47:48
Saint
47:49
Rivington's Day
47:52
Saint Rivington's Day
47:58
is
48:00
a day where this is an international holiday, not just national.
48:10
As everyone knows, St. Rivington was the patron saint of shallow swimming pools.
48:23
The kind that have to have no diving on them. Well, actually, here,
48:27
And so the, um, hear, hear me out on this one.
48:33
St. Rivington himself actually was a small child and he dove head first into a shallow,
48:47
shallow pond.
48:48
It should have killed him, but it didn't.
48:53
Miraculously.
48:54
and everyone that saw this was like he i mean he dove into like three inches of water headfirst
49:01
and somehow came out completely unscathed and as a result of this he was like there are no
49:11
there no signage there nothing to let me know i shouldn dive headfirst into this shallow pool of water So he made it his mission to everywhere there was water that was less than
49:28
six feet deep, he would put tiles next to that that said, caution, shallow water, no diving.
49:38
through his activism he saved countless countless lives
49:47
god saved him really through the miracle so that he could save all of these other lives
49:54
so many children and adults were spared traumatic head injuries and possible death because
50:02
of his tiles that he would put next to any kind of water that looked fun to dive in.
50:10
So on St. Rivington's Day, which is every August 17th,
50:17
the whole world celebrates by, well, they celebrate in a few different ways. First of
50:28
Well, everyone goes swimming on that day.
50:30
It's a big swimming holiday.
50:32
Everyone must dunk their toe in a bit of water.
50:37
And then after they dunk their toe, they must dunk their head first in a bit of water.
50:42
But do it with caution.
50:49
And in certain countries, France, for example, they do this naked.
50:54
That's not required.
50:56
You can be clothed.
50:58
I like that though. The Swiss, uh, are actually like really jokey about it.
51:02
They wear bathing suits that look like they're naked,
51:05
which is, I think is a fun kind of winky way. It's cute. So, I mean, you got,
51:11
you got guys wearing speedos that just look like full bush, but it's actually not, it's cloth,
51:18
but anyway, it's fun. It's a fun thing to do. Um, and there's every year there's
51:25
the ceremonial breaking of the skull to remind people of what they,
51:32
yeah,
51:32
what they,
51:34
what could have been were it not for St.
51:36
Rivington and his activism and the lives that he saved.
51:40
So there's one that used to back in the 1800s,
51:44
they used to literally pick somebody that they would sacrifice,
51:50
that they would throw headfirst into a shallow bit of water.
51:52
But now we just do it ceremonially.
51:54
no one dies. So it's actually now it's an honor to be what's the, what's known as the cracked skull.
52:03
That's the official. So every, every like official St. Rewington's day ceremony has a cracked skull
52:11
person. Now it's just a volunteer. It's actually an honor now, but used to be someone actually died,
52:18
but that obviously kind of goes against the spirit. They realized we didn't need to actually
52:24
kill somebody to demonstrate this. So that's progress. I know. I agree. And it, you know,
52:30
it accomplishes the same thing. Um, and kids, uh, the night before St. Rivington's day sleep
52:38
in their bathtubs is a fun kind of tribute, uh, fully submerged in water or the bathtubs are full.
52:46
So they have to be careful not to slip in and die, but that's a fun thing that kids do.
52:51
If you're going to participate, you...
52:53
I know, just do it.
52:54
And they know that they put their flip-flops outside their door,
53:02
outside the bathroom door.
53:04
And in the morning, it's filled with goggles and little tiny towels and stuff.
53:09
Like St. Rivington came and blessed them over the night.
53:12
That's so cute. That's so sweet.
53:13
Yeah, it is. It's really sweet.
53:15
Kids really get into it. Adults get into it, too.
53:18
um because who doesn't love swimming doesn't love diving especially in august oh yeah yeah
53:25
you gotta dive i know it's so hot a nice aug dive oh the augie doggy dives of summer yeah
53:33
write that down oh they have that's beautiful yeah so that's kind of
53:41
my favorite holiday i christmas second i think but well you can't top that
53:48
saint rubington's day is first it's beautiful thank you
53:53
did i not answer any questions no you did perfect you did beautiful you did wonderful
54:01
thank you but i just wanted to make sure i covered everything you wanted yeah i yeah i
54:06
I especially loved the thinking that he had come.
54:11
Yeah.
54:12
It's a fun.
54:13
Yeah.
54:13
And parents will, obviously, it's all parent-driven that they do this.
54:18
But they'll leave, like, little splashes of water around the flip-flops outside the bathroom door.
54:22
Be like, oh, look, it's wet.
54:24
He was here.
54:24
He was here.
54:25
You got to do that not that far away from when they wake up or maybe it might go away.
54:30
The timing is critical.
54:31
Yeah, critical.
54:32
If you love your kids, you'll figure it out.
54:33
Yeah, you'll figure it out.
54:35
And it's just once a year.
54:36
yeah so you have to get up a little bit earlier it's low committee come on yeah
54:40
so what about you
54:45
um well
54:49
did you ever celebrate um
54:55
rocket fuel day when you were a kid no i don't think i did
55:01
is that anything what never mind keep going oh no no no let me tell you
55:08
okay i drank rocket fuel that was it well you probably heard that you could on a podcast yeah
55:14
um rocket fuel day
55:19
um once upon a time probably 200 years ago um there was a weird various static disturbance
55:29
in the environment.
55:32
What kind of a disturbance?
55:33
A baryostatic.
55:35
And basically it caused everyone's airbag
55:38
to go off at the same time in the middle of the night.
55:42
And I don't know if you know this,
55:44
but there's a little bit of jet fuel in airbags.
55:45
That's the propulsion element.
55:49
Yeah, back 200 years ago.
55:50
Yeah.
55:51
Yeah.
55:52
Did I say 200 years ago?
55:54
Yeah, you did.
55:55
200 years ago, if we were in the future,
55:58
it would be now it happened now starting now anyway um so that happened and then people didn't
56:05
know about the various act disturbance so they thought it was a sign from like extraterrestrials
56:14
yeah and then some crazy person in town was going around being like did you know
56:20
that airbags have rocket fuel and nobody believed him um and then one person who was like oh i
56:29
i did know that and then everyone like oh it real oh shit it real oh shit and then they were like they could not stop talking about that Oh shit They couldn stop talking about that Sounds like the way they talked 200 years ago too No we now Oh okay I sorry
56:44
We're now.
56:44
Okay.
56:45
We're now.
56:46
Okay.
56:47
Anyway.
56:51
So everyone could not shut up about rocket fuel.
56:55
And so rocket fuel day is a day where one person goes around and they disable someone's airbag as a prank and they rig it so that it goes off at a time they choose.
57:17
And then the next day on rocket fuel day, you find out if it was you because you'll be driving and your airbag will just go off.
57:23
and it's one of those things that yes it can cause bodily harm but we all accept the risk
57:28
because it's so much fun to participate and knowing it could be anyone and um we eat soup
57:35
on that day in solidarity with the person who probably had all their teeth blown out from the
57:42
airbag explosion oh that's nice it's a good nod we're still a community yeah we're still a
57:48
community it's a fun thing it's not supposed to be a mean-spirited thing right and all day
57:53
every day the one day of the year the radio only plays that rocket man song
57:59
okay yeah that makes sense yeah
58:04
that's it what's your favorite what's your personal favorite
58:12
day that you've had like do you have one that you love in history um yeah i do because um i know
58:20
you probably remember that I went through a phase where I was scared of having
58:22
my nose broken by an errant airbag.
58:24
Hmm.
58:25
Um,
58:26
so I invented a device where I could drive from the back seat.
58:31
I like made a second pair of hands that were,
58:33
that I would control like they were controllers and I would sit in the back
58:36
seat and I would steer with these telescoping hands.
58:41
Far away from it.
58:42
Yeah.
58:43
And,
58:43
um,
58:44
I got on shark tank that year because,
58:47
uh,
58:49
Barbara, I think it was, which happened to be driving by and she saw this and she had to know more.
58:56
So that was really the day my whole life changed.
58:58
Wow.
58:58
Yeah.
59:00
That would be a memorable one.
59:02
Yeah, she bought 100%.
59:03
The reason you don't know about it is because I had to sign an NDA, but let's just say I don't own any part of that company anymore.
59:09
Oh, well, it's a bummer.
59:10
Sounds like it's a moneymaker.
59:11
Oh.
59:14
Anyway, happy Rivingston Day to you.
59:18
Thank you.
59:19
yeah happy rf day to you too thank you
59:25
well i think we've done it i think we've answered the big question the big question
59:34
all right one final bit of business oh here it is here it is secret words time
59:41
i wrote down a lot i don't have any level of confidence here so let me just roll through them
59:46
Okay.
59:48
Sleeves.
59:48
Nope.
59:50
Peas.
59:50
Nope.
59:52
Lament.
59:53
Nope.
59:54
Mistress.
59:55
Nope.
59:55
I don't even remember saying mistress.
59:57
The school mistress's lament.
59:59
Oh.
1:00:01
Clock tower.
1:00:02
Nope.
1:00:04
Meta.
1:00:04
No.
1:00:06
Ingenue.
1:00:07
No.
1:00:08
Telegraph.
1:00:10
Yes.
1:00:10
Yes!
1:00:11
That's your word?
1:00:12
That's my word.
1:00:12
Oh my god!
1:00:14
Dang it.
1:00:15
I saw you write it down.
1:00:17
Oh, this is crazy.
1:00:19
Is your decoy word agoraphobia?
1:00:21
No.
1:00:22
Is it traumatized?
1:00:24
No.
1:00:24
Traumatizing?
1:00:25
No.
1:00:26
Traumatized?
1:00:26
No.
1:00:28
Dunk?
1:00:29
Nope.
1:00:30
Saint?
1:00:32
Nope.
1:00:32
Winky?
1:00:33
No.
1:00:35
Shallow?
1:00:36
No.
1:00:36
Okay, that was it.
1:00:38
No, my decoy word was affections.
1:00:42
Oh, it didn't even clock it.
1:00:43
Yeah, I said you look like Jesus, something about Jesus's affections when I was trying to do something in Macy's.
1:00:51
I like how I was like, but don't get fired.
1:00:52
And you're like, you need Jesus.
1:00:54
Yeah, I know.
1:00:58
Well, it wasn't a good audition, so.
1:01:01
It's OK.
1:01:02
I gave you another chance.
1:01:03
All right.
1:01:03
Well, I'm worried.
1:01:05
I'm worried about this because I have things written down here that I said myself many times.
1:01:11
I was worried about that on my side because I think I was repeating some of the stuff you said, but it all worked out.
1:01:17
All right.
1:01:17
Let me just start with, it's not ethanol, is it?
1:01:21
Decoy.
1:01:22
No!
1:01:25
God damn it.
1:01:27
Stop doing that, Jenna.
1:01:28
Stop guessing the decoy is the main word.
1:01:32
I was so pissed that it wasn't my word because even if you had guessed it, I would have been so up.
1:01:37
So many times that that has happened where my decoy word I've gotten you to say.
1:01:42
And I...
1:01:43
Well, you wrote it down and then you still said it twice again.
1:01:47
I know.
1:01:48
I know.
1:01:49
What are you doing?
1:01:50
I don't know.
1:01:52
I don't know.
1:01:53
You need Jesus.
1:01:54
Okay.
1:01:55
You've crossed a line.
1:01:56
All right.
1:01:57
Well, I might as well guess all the rest of these as your real word.
1:01:59
Damn.
1:02:02
Sterile?
1:02:03
No.
1:02:03
Religious?
1:02:04
No, you seem pissed.
1:02:06
I am pissed.
1:02:07
i'm fucking pissed you know what uh no did i say i just said religious right yeah religion
1:02:15
no nudes no madness no victim no runt yes oh oh i feel good now i'm still one point we're tied
1:02:31
right no well you're definitely ahead but but you just gained one point as opposed to three
1:02:37
damn oh thank god oh all right well that makes me feel better i feel better yeah it feels good
1:02:49
not to lose all the way yeah just losing a little bit's way better than nicely done oh thank you i
1:02:55
knew the minute it came like i felt fine about saying it but i saw you pick up your pen i'm like
1:02:59
Yeah, I know. I saw you pick up your pen with telegraph, too.
1:03:05
Oh, and then all the stuff you said at the end with the rocket fuel and the baristatic and airbag and propulsion.
1:03:11
It was like this all feels like you're it's all feels like bait.
1:03:16
Because it didn't really make any words. I know.
1:03:19
Well, congratulations on being smart.
1:03:22
I'm going to celebrate my less painful loss by just getting a big old glass of ethanol
1:03:31
sitting by the fire.
1:03:33
I'm too close.
1:03:35
And just enjoying St. Rivington's day.
1:03:38
Well, that sounds lovely.
1:03:39
I'll be getting my face blown off by my hair bag.
1:03:41
Okay.
1:03:42
Well, till next time, listeners.
1:03:44
Bye.
1:03:52
you