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From ‘Best Friends’ to Power Imbalance: Unhealthy Mother Child Pattern · A Capture Deep Vibs A Positive Space For Inspiration And Embracing Of Heart

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, Psych2Goers. We understand family is important, and we get
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  Speaker 1: it that parenthood can have its challenges. We're here to
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  Speaker 1: try to give you a helping hand by providing some information,
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  Speaker 1: but please don't take any of this personally. Moms are great. Rather,
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  Speaker 1: they can be great. But we know that some mother
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  Speaker 1: and child relationships aren't so great. Maybe you're worrying about
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  Speaker 1: whether you are or are going to be that good mom.
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  Speaker 1: Or maybe you're the child who wants to analyze the
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  Speaker 1: kind of relationship that you have with your mother and
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  Speaker 1: what impact it's had. Either or, let's take a look
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  Speaker 1: at five kinds of unhealthy mother-child relationships to watch out for.
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  Speaker 1: And please note that these refer to the child as
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  Speaker 1: being prior to adulthood. Number one, bosom buddies. She's my
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  Speaker 1: best friend. I'm not a dictator. Have you heard someone
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  Speaker 1: seriously proclaim that their child-mother relationship is one where they're
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  Speaker 1: BFFs rather than parent and child? On the surface, it
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  Speaker 1: sounds good, right? The reality, if that's truly what it is,
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  Speaker 1: not so much. This kind of relationship is egalitarian. meaning
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  Speaker 1: neither party has authority over the other. This means nobody
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  Speaker 1: is in charge. The mother is exhibiting a permissive parenting
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  Speaker 1: style that's not healthy and has negative long-term repercussions wherein
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  Speaker 1: sharing secrets from child to parent have shown to result
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  Speaker 1: in higher quality relationships and a lower likelihood of delinquency.
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  Speaker 1: The mother burdening the child with things like personal problems
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  Speaker 1: and economic strains has shown detriment to the child. What
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  Speaker 1: can be concluded based on these findings? Building intimacy with
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  Speaker 1: your child does not mean wholly dumping your personal and
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  Speaker 1: emotional problems onto them. A mother can still share a
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  Speaker 1: small dosage of her own mental life with her children,
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  Speaker 1: but not to the extent of distressing them. It should
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  Speaker 1: be just enough to help them learn and understand mom
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  Speaker 1: as a human. Number two, boss and subordinate. Before, we
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  Speaker 1: talked about no one in charge. This is swinging the
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  Speaker 1: pendulum way to the other side where mom is constantly
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  Speaker 1: a micromanaging dictator. The typical scenario. The child wants to
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  Speaker 1: go on a trip. They ask mom and have outlined
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  Speaker 1: all the safety measures and all the educational, mental, and
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  Speaker 1: recreational benefits. Sounds golden. And yet, the response is, no,
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  Speaker 1: I've decided what you're going to do and it's this
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  Speaker 1: thing that I have decided. The child reiterates the benefits,
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  Speaker 1: pleading their case, yet the answer is still, no, this
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  Speaker 1: is my final decision. This is for you and your
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  Speaker 1: own good. Mother knows best. Watching Psycho and Bates Motel,
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  Speaker 1: we can see this is not a precursor to healthy things.
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  Speaker 1: The micromanaging spawns feelings of inadequacy, and despite sharing this
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  Speaker 1: with mom, she's dismissive and forces her rules and expectations
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  Speaker 1: as law, since only she can possibly know what's good
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  Speaker 1: for you. Your words and choices have zero validity. If
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  Speaker 1: this is constant, without any give, this leads to the
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  Speaker 1: child feeling insecure and helpless. They may suffer from low
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  Speaker 1: self-esteem and be very fearful of rejection, possibly to the
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  Speaker 1: detriment of any future choices. Number three, the role reversal relationship.
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  Speaker 1: The entire role of a mother is to raise, care for,
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  Speaker 1: and protect the child. Because as non-adults, they do not
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  Speaker 1: have the fully formed mental or emotional capacity equipped to
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  Speaker 1: care for themselves or others. Yet, this is exactly what
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  Speaker 1: happens in the role reversal relationship, also known as parentification.
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  Speaker 1: An unfortunate but realistic scenario is when there is a
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  Speaker 1: divorce and the child is nowhere near adulthood, but is
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  Speaker 1: old enough to perform basic functions. The mother starts acting
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  Speaker 1: consistently reckless, irresponsible, and maybe even violent. Since mom is
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  Speaker 1: no longer being mom, the needs of the child for comfort, attention,
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  Speaker 1: and guidance must all be sacrificed so they can fulfill
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  Speaker 1: the logistical and emotional needs of the mother. A parentified
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  Speaker 1: child has to bear the responsibility of becoming a parent
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  Speaker 1: to mom because the latter neglects their own parental role. Psychotherapist, Dr.
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  Speaker 1: Samuel Lopez de Victoria notes, there are two types of parentification,
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  Speaker 1: emotional and instrumental. Let's start with emotional. This is the
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  Speaker 1: most destructive type of parentification. The child is forced to
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  Speaker 1: meet the emotional and psychological needs of the parent. The
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  Speaker 1: mother doesn't get these needs fulfilled from her partner, so
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  Speaker 1: she forces this confidante role on the child. With instrumental,
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  Speaker 1: the child is expected to be a tool. The child
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  Speaker 1: is forced to be an adult caregiver by taking over
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  Speaker 1: the physical responsibilities of the parent to near exclusion of
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  Speaker 1: being able to be a kid. An example is having
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  Speaker 1: to constantly cook and raise their siblings since their parent
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  Speaker 1: is not doing it. The fallout is that the grown-up
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  Speaker 1: parentified child may experience difficulty building a healthy connection with
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  Speaker 1: their friends, spouse, or their own children. Number four, the
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  Speaker 1: emotionally absent mother. So how are things with your mom?
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  Speaker 1: Is she distant, preoccupied, or only consistent in her inconsistency
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  Speaker 1: regarding your emotional needs? You just might have an emotionally
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  Speaker 1: absent mother. UK psychologist, Dr. Becky Spellman notes that a
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  Speaker 1: mother can intuit their child's emotions and respond appropriately to
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  Speaker 1: suit them if they're uneasy, like a warm hug, for example.
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  Speaker 1: When a mother is emotionally absent, she lacks the empathy
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  Speaker 1: to meet the child's emotional needs. Cognitive development starts at
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  Speaker 1: around age five, and it's around this time the child
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  Speaker 1: might notice the mother ignores them, despite their efforts to
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  Speaker 1: engage with her. The message they get is that engaging
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  Speaker 1: is useless, so they start to suppress their emotions which
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  Speaker 1: can become a precursor to mental health issues such as
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  Speaker 1: eating disorders and other types of addictions. Further down the
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  Speaker 1: road in adulthood, it can also impact intimate relationships where
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  Speaker 1: they choose partners who are just as absent as the
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  Speaker 1: parent was. They may also become closed off because of
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  Speaker 1: the heightened fear of rejection they experienced as children. And
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  Speaker 1: number five, the mom and her trophy child. Sometimes a
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  Speaker 1: mother may have unrealized dreams or wishes, so she uses
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  Speaker 1: her child as a surrogate to do what she couldn't.
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  Speaker 1: Her child becomes an extension of herself, known as narcissistic appendage.
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  Speaker 1: The child is no longer an individual unto themselves, but
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  Speaker 1: an object to be shined up and shown off to
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  Speaker 1: others to engender envy, status, and symbolize success. It's all
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  Speaker 1: about what the mother wants for herself. The child soon
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  Speaker 1: learns to discard their authentic self in order to conform
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  Speaker 1: to what the mother wants them to do. The relationship
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  Speaker 1: built between a mother and child is complex, fluid, and
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  Speaker 1: usually affected by the environment, the emotional and psychological state
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  Speaker 1: of the mother, personalities, and the mother's own upbringing. To
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  Speaker 1: paraphrase a quote by B.J. Neblett, who we are is
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  Speaker 1: made up of our experiences and responses to all we
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  Speaker 1: have encountered. As life does not stand still, those experiences
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  Speaker 1: continue to ripple through our lives and affect us both
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  Speaker 1: good and bad. A healthy mother and child dynamic can
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  Speaker 1: be achieved if the mother is self-aware and self-reflective. This
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  Speaker 1: allows the mother to behave authentically with their aspirations, which
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  Speaker 1: in turn leads to the positive growth of the child.
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  Speaker 1: Information from this video has been based on certified research
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  Speaker 1: and studies, details of which have been shortened for the
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  Speaker 1: sake of brevity. If you would like a full list
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  Speaker 1: of references, feel free to write to us and ask.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this video, be sure to like it
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: and hit the subscribe button for more content. Thanks so
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: much for watching, and we'll see you again soon.