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Transcript

Aaron Weber Signature Dish (Full Comedy Special) · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I live here in Nashville.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I want to tell you where I'm usually at.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was in northern Indiana a couple weeks ago, not doing comedy, just as I can see it.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I drove past a prison there.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't going to prison.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know there was a prison around until I saw a sign.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: This is a real sign out of nowhere.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Medium security prison nearby.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do not pick up hitchhikers.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I've never been in charge of security at a prison, but that sign does feel like they're saying, look.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: They're getting out, all right?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it's happened a bunch.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's happening right now.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know what to do.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're only a medium security prison.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't we put it on y'all a little bit?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Stop picking them up every time.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let them walk.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: We're in northern Indiana.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: They're not going anywhere, right?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Let them get tuckered out.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, no phone number to call if you see a hitchhiker, no follow-up instructions.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're just like, stay vigilant, because they are that's honestly too much.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's honestly thank y'all for being here, man.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: What a night.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Happy to be here in Nashville, man.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Happy to be.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I never know what to wear on stage.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I overthink it a lot.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was looking at my closet.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have two sections in my closet.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I have the clothes that kind of fit.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then I have the clothes that, you know, one day might.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, if I wake up and everything's different, I'll be good to go.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: I just leave them in there for hope.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I have all these shirts that I really like that don't button the way I'd like them to.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I never wear them.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I said to my wife, as I told her that, and she goes, you know, you don't have to button the shirt.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: So it's been a good year.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I doubled my wardrobe immediately.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't, I didn't know you were allowed to do this.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: This is crazy.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: If I find out you don't have to zip up pants, it's over, dude.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'll never buy clothes again.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I I've been married three years now, and I love being married.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm on the road, I see men talk to women in the wild, and it's crazy.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I was checking in at a hotel, woman behind the counter, very pretty, and the guy in front of me is being a creep.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm watching him.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 20 feet behind him, but I can hear it go down, right?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: He's checking in, and the woman goes, Do you have any preference of what floor you stay on?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I swear to y'all, this guy leans forward.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, What floor are you staying on?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, I'm not.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I work here.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't stay at the hotel that I work.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think I'm a guest just chipping in down here in the lobby?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is that honestly how you think we staff this La Quinta?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: You think you gotta be the lifeguard tomorrow?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't stay at the hotel that employs me, you moron.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So he walks away, tail between his legs, rightfully so.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm up next.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I saw the whole thing go down.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, okay, I'll bond with her over what a creep the last dude was.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm checking in and she says, How many room keys do you want?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: One or two.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I go, how many room keys do you want?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And she she did not get the reference at all, dude.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I I looked way worse than the first guy, if I'm being honest.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: The look on her face, she's like, they just keep coming in today.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, is there a creep convention in town?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: What's happening here?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I feel good though, man.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I've been sick for a while.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: I came down with something.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was sick for like two weeks.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go to urgent care here in Nashville.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if y'all have been to an urgent care.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Go check it out.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I like it in there.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's a you know, it's better than a real doctor.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's no ego at an urgent care.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's fun, you know?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody in an urgent care is like, this is where I thought my life would be.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I like that.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually a good feeling.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: You go to a doctor's office, they talk down to you, right?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Diplomas on the wall.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, I went to school.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know everything.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Urgent care is like, do you have$40?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let's figure this out together.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: We don't know any more than you, you know?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's put our heads in a room and let's tackle this sinus infection as a team, and that's fun.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's camaraderie in an urgent care, you know?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody's qualified, and that's a rush.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's a fun way to spend a day.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know how you fill out all your info in the lobby on like a clipboard, and then they take you to another room and act like you never did that.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: So the nurse comes in, or face to face, she's asking me questions.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, What are you in for?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I said, My nose is clogged.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: She said, You've been taking anything?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: I said, just Pseudofed.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Oh, can you spell that for me?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Sudafed?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I maybe could.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: I would like you to take a stab at it, though, right?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Feels like something you should know.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: I know y'all share a lease with a T-Mobile store, but this feels like day one stuff, honestly.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I've been taking Ibuprofen as well, so maybe I sounded that one out.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can write that down phonetically.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm being mean, but they hooked me up.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: They gave me a steroid shot.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've had a steroid shot.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: They are awesome.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what's in them.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: It works so quick.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why they've been hiding these.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: They should do a lot more steroid shots.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: That should be the first thing they throw at you when you walk in, you know?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Just go around the waiting room, just give everybody a steroid shot and be like, we'll see who needs to be here in five minutes.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Most of y'all will be feeling better than you've ever felt in your life.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: They got me.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I felt good right away.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: I had some other medicine I had to get.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go to the pharmacy to get it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't have it at urgent care.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go to the pharmacy, another place across town.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's how it works, but I don't know why we're all okay with it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's plenty of room.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep it there.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Why do I gotta go off campus to get the med- you know, no other industry in America works like that?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine you go to Jiffy Lube and they're like, you need an oil change.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have any oil here, but uh, if you take this piece of paper to Walgreens, they'll get they'll get you oil in about an hour, you know.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see it immediately, but it'll be an hour before they turn around and hand it to you.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see your net yeah, your bag over their shoulder?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, can I just reach out and grab that real quick?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be an hour.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I was in there a while.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, It's gonna be about an hour.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to walk around our store.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Really?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Are you sure?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: You ever walk around a pharmacy indefinitely?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: There's weird stuff in there.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's idols none of us go to because they're not on the way to anything fun.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Go check them out.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: There's cool.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: I bought a knee brace.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know you were allowed to get a knee brace off the rack.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: 29 bucks.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty good.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need a knee brace right now, but y'all, y'all see me, it's coming.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to I want to have a starter when that day comes, right?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe right strips.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was trying those out.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Big advocate of those.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know a breathe right strip?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: A little sticker that you put on your nose, and it just.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh even if you're breathing good, you could be breathing a little better.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: You ever throw on a breathe right strip just to power through the last few bites of a meal?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all know what I'm talking about?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Just open things up.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Some of y'all never breathed, I can tell.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: You don't even know what I'm talking about.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're living life at 60% nose.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: You could get to 63.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I wear them all the time.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Only at home, though.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's a home thing, isn't it?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Some things are home things.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that would sound more profound than it did, but uh I saw a friend from high school at the grocery store.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I hadn't seen him in 15 years.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: We caught up, good conversation.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I get back to my car, I adjust the rear view mirror, I see myself.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: I had two breathe right strips on my nose that I had forgotten about.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't bring it up a single time.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: He did ask how I was doing a lot.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: You sure you're all right?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing great, actually.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Just two breathright strips crisscrossed on my nose.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Which I do recommend if you do want to double up, you want to crisscross to maximize the could be these health trends.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I can't keep up.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: I have friends taking cold showers now.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody here do that?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Take cold showers?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: They have hot water.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: They choose to go cold.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy's very into it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, you know what it is, dude?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's a mental thing.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it is, man.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's a little hurdle.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta jump, dude.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time you woke up and did something you don't want to do?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's what it is.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's about doing something you don't want to do.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: When's the last time you had you did something that you don't want to do?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm having this conversation right now, but I said, I'll try it.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I tried a cold shower.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: It was not long, it was the shortest shower of my life.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I went back to my friend, I said, I can't do a cold shower, man.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Well, your mind is weak.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I hate to tell you that, dude.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you can't do a cold shower, you got a weak mind.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, man, I think my mind's the strongest.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can't convince it we need to do this, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the shower, I make it cold.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: My brain's like, dude, nobody's in here checking on this.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Just lie and say you did it later.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's a pretty good point.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I will do that.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not doing cold shower.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: I do take care of myself.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: I try.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've been trying.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: I eat a lot of Tums.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Tums are very good.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've had Tums lately.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: They've gotten last 10 years have been special.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's borderline top five candy in the country right now.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I give it out on Halloween.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's gotten so good.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: They just came out with orange cream.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if y'all get the same emails I do, but new flavor just dropped.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's orange cream Tums.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Half of them are orange, half of them are cream.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then you can kind of mix and match.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's what Tums does.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: They let you decide, you know, how strong do you want to go, right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can go all orange today.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Live it up.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: But at some point, you gotta go all cream.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Is this relatable?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: What I do, I got a system.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I do two orange, one cream, I put some MMs in there, I shake it up.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's good.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's tearing me up, but I'm enjoying the ride.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they could have made Tums a pill.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are antacid pills.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Tums could have been a pill, but they were like, nah, our customers are gonna wanna choose something.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: We might as well make it delicious.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Which they did, and I appreciate that, you know.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Go get some tonight if you don't believe me.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Good gas stations got it.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: I love a good gas station.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's a great gas station by my house.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in there all the time.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: I talk to the employees, they know me.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: This just happened.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was in there.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had a weird thing with the woman, the cashier.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: I bought a beer at the gas station, and the cashier goes, When's your birthday, honey?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, November 13, 1991.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Oh, my daughter's on the first.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, different year.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: So you're telling me nothing?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is that what you're I said three things and two of them don't apply to your daughter who I've never met?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want me to say to that?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Get her in here, dude.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: I got are you kidding me?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta meet this girl.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: November?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's insane.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Get her in here.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what to say.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: I just said it's a good month.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I said.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's a good month.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I've been thinking about her ever since.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be honest.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: How often is she saying this to people?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Is it one out of every 12 customers that come in?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, I'm about to blow your mind.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: You know my daughter who you don't know?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Same month.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Different year.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can get a good hot dog at a gas station occasionally.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll try a hot dog anywhere.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: I had the best hot dog of my life.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: You'll never guess where.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Seattle, Washington.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone from anybody heard of it?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's a big city.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: I went to a baseball game out there.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: I left the stadium.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: There's a hot dog stand right outside.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I walk up.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I would like a hot dog.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the guy goes, What do you want on it?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just in a, you know, I wasn't ready to answer that.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I was uh do it.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I told the guy to do it, and he looked like he'd been ready for somebody to say that.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, My friend, I got you.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I watch him, he takes the hot dog bun.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: This guy starts putting cream cheese on the bun.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, you're crazy.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you have that back there?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's not even a hot dog ingredient.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Did you bring that from home?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You can't use home stuff at a restaurant.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Some things are home things.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is that worth it?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Nope.
• 14:14
  unknown: Alright.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, my friend, trust me.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then he takes, he starts putting browned onions on top of that hot dog.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: I go, there's no way this is good.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: It was the best hot dog I've ever had.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I've thought about it all the time.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: I think about it all the time.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've told a lot of people about this hot dog.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: I've evangelized this place all over North America.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: If I find out you're going to Seattle, I'll send you the coordinates of this hot dog stand.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's the impact it's had on me.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, the whole reason I bring that up is because a few months ago, this is two years later, I'm back in Seattle.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: I went to another baseball game.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't care about the game.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: I left in the second inning.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to find that hot dog stand, right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: And it's in the same spot.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I walk up, I promise y'all, same dude from two years ago.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'll never forget his eyes.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I look right at him and I go, hey dude, you're not gonna remember me.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was a big day for him.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I've been thinking about you for two years.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: You changed my life in 2021.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: You all remember this.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I came in, I think I was in a mood.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you were in a mood.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: I said, do it.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: You did it.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: You put cream cheese on a hot dog, but I've never seen that before in my life.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Could you do that for me again?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: He looks at me all weird.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, My friend, are you talking about the Seattle dog?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And he points at the menu above his head.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't see the menu two years ago.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: There's one item on the menu of this hot dog stand.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's the Seattle dog.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: A hot dog with you guessed it, cream cheese and grilled onions.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's the only thing this guy makes.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: He makes one item all day, every day.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: I've talked about it for two years, like he invented it for me.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's the signature hot dog of the city.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've recommended it to people from Seattle.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how stupid that makes me look?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: To recommend the signature dish in that city?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's like if I went to Philadelphia and I was like, yo, dude, I found this spot today.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all should check it.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: This dude put cheese on a steak sandwich.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: I know, I know it sounds crazy.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: Just tell him I sent you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: He'll do it.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: He'll hook it up.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Shouldn't be having hot dogs.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 32 years old, relatively healthy.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Just had that confirmed at urgent care.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I have things I'm too young to have.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I have sleep apnea.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta wear a CPAP machine to.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta stick together out here, man.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: I clocked you when you walked in.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'll say that.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I had some kinfolk out here.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: These people don't get it, man.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: We gotta plug into a wall to sleep.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: We need electricity.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: To dream.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: There's stuff you can't do, right?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy invited me camping.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, you want to come on a camping trip?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Do you want to carry a car battery through the woods?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I need an outlet.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: When I got diagnosed, I had to go to a sleep doctor.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: He told me, Aaron, don't worry.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: Sleep apnea is not always weight-related.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, neat.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Is it weight-related for me?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: For sure.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, I'm just saying, I thought you'd find it cool.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Not everybody earned it.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not embarrassed, I don't care.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 32, I'm married.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not trying to impress y'all.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to breathe.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if it's my fault.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: They say head size is an indicator.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a big head, you probably have sleep apnea.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: So, yeah, y'all don't have to look around right now, but at some point tonight, peek around your table.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: I walked in the sleep doctor's office, I got a big head.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: He sees me, he goes, bingo.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dude, let me.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: My head is big.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is how big my head is.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: If I like to I like to wear a hat, I like to wear a baseball hat.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: There's only one brand of hat that fits my head.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's a new era 5950 snapback hat.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all know a snapback hat snaps in the back.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: On a good head day, I could maybe get one button to snap, and it doesn't want a button.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, it's like, I'll click on there, but I'm not gonna be good.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: And it just and it hurts, and I I gotta take it off when I eat.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I if I get chewing too hard.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see a big dude walking around, his hats just blown out in the back?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let that guy live his life, dude.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: He feels the wind blowing on his neck, he knows what's happening.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I gotta get it together.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: The big reason is any day now, my wife and I are gonna have our first baby, which is very exciting.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Any day now.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's a girl.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: We found out it's a girl.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: We saw an ultrasound today, actually.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty crazy.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: That kid's coming in.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's starting to show up.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know that sounds stupid, but the first ultrasound is pretty weak.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think they they do it too early.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: I you know, I lied and said I saw it.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to be the only one in the room that couldn't see, you know, the whole room's ooing it on.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, all right, call her up.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, nurse goes, she's waving at you.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: She's waving.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is this one of those 3D where you have to back up and then it shows up?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Finally, I go, Oh man, she's gorgeous.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was driving home.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: I said to my wife, I got in love with you.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't see a thing on that screen.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Me either.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, cool.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Glad we printed it out.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Just sent a blob to the family.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: Here it is.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's coming in now, though, man.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: She's got toes.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty crazy.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're moving right now.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the big project.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: We're moving to a bigger house.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: We got a realtor to sell our old house.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: She told us we gotta get our house livable.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've lived there for years.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, we gotta get it to where a person would want to be in here.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get it, but uh god, that hurts.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna miss our neighbors.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: I've never talked to the neighbors.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Is that weird?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all hang out with your neighbors a lot?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: They close their blinds pretty quick.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I respect that, you know.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: My wife wants me to meet him, so she's at work.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is a few weeks ago.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm taking out the trash.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: The guy next door to me, I assume he lives there too.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's taking out his trash.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, there he is.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I go, I go, hey, what's up, man?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, how about it?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: So we met.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: One of the better conversations I've ever had in my life.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: So my wife gets home, and I said, I met the neighbor today.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: And she goes, Oh my god, what's his name?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I love him.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, What does he do?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Takes his trash out on time.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: I know that.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Did he buy the house or is he renting it?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: How do you think this conversation went?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know his name or his occupation.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: How insane would it be if I did know that?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: How do you think I meet people in the world every day?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: What's going on, man?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: You got a mortgage?
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Let's uh let's get right into it, you know.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to fix the house.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying, I can't do anything around the house.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do it.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know the words to talk to a guy who can fix the house.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: I had a plumbing issue in my basement.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: My wall was bleeding.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I said it.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: I I couldn't think of the word leak.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was in my basement for an hour going, it's bleeding hard out here.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: We need a tourniquet.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know any words, so I call a plumber.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I'll be out there.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: A gif.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I'm not trashing plumbers, but y'all know what a jiff means.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: 19 hours.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Which is fine.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of stuff to plumb.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not mad at him, right?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: But by the time this guy gets to my house, it had been so long the leak had stopped.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what happened.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't do anything.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: It just, you know, scabbed up.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's just fine.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I've been mopping up the floor, so it kind of looks fine in the basement.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: So now I'm trying to convince this dude I didn't make the whole thing up.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: He walks down to my basement, he goes, Ha ha, okay.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: I go, all right, cool.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: You mind poking around a little bit first before you just write it off, you know?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then he starts knocking on the wall, starts scratching it.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, solid.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: I go, cool.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: Did you think I just wanted to hang out with you in my house today?
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't make this up, right?
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now we're just two men looking at each other in my basement.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of an awkward impasse between two adult men that, you know, I'll be honest, look a lot alike.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Finally he broke.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I hear you, dude.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I hear you.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: Why not do this?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: I got a saw in my truck.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'll come down here, I'll cut a little hole in this drywall, and I'll.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I need y'all to know before I finish the story, deep down I know that drywall is a type of wall.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I could pick it out of a lineup of walls, but I've I've heard people talk about wall, drywall before.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: Deep down I know drywall exists.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't reaching too deep in the moment, though.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: I heard drywall, I thought this guy was mocking me.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: I thought he was like, You thought you had a leak?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't we look at this drywall?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, it was wet this morning, dude.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: About a jiff ago.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: It was a nightmare down here.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: So he cut a giant hole and then he just left.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: I go, you mind unholing the wall?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: This was your idea, dude.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: Patch it up.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can probably patch that up.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have to get a new house.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know what you're talking about.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: Patch it up with what?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: I got walls laying around.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even know conceptually what you're asking me to.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: I go get a wall.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: Home depot, one wall, please.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Again, some good tape.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: The big project now, this has been like a two-year saga, is I have a shed, and I don't do a lot of shed stuff, so these raccoons kind of took it over.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: And they're just they're just in there, and I gotta get rid of them.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to kill them, you know.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: I want them to die.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: So don't be fooled by a raccoon.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell a few of y'all are.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know they're cute, and they have little fun hands, and you see them and you go, oh, they're robbing me, but they they bite.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: And almost they have rabies all over them.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: They're actually, this is serious.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: They are the second leading cause of rabies in the uh world.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's not true, but it feels right.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like these raccoons.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Cute and dangerous, weird combo to me.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: They're like the opposite of a possum.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: You ever watch a possum?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: Possum does good work, dude.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: It eats snakes, it eats ticks, it can't carry rabies, but you know, we're all adults, let's agree.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's the ugliest thing you've ever seen.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's backwards from a raccoon.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: I would never say God made a mistake, but I might ask him about it.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what happened that day.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: I want them gone, so I called a friend who knows about this stuff, right?
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: I said, How do I get rid of these raccoons?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You trying to do it the easy way or the hard way?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Boy, I don't know.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh maybe easy just for giggles.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, All right, all you gotta do is put a little wolf urine out there.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if y'all can guess this about me by now.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a lot of wolf urine laying around the house.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't hunt growing up.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that was a commodity.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, wolf urine?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_01: You telling me to hunt down a I'm terrified of raccoons, buddy.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to pin down a wolf and get its urine from it?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Where you?
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, no, dude, just buy some.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, yeah, we're going to different stores.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: I've been shopping my whole life.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've never bumped into some wolf urine in the checkout line.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you get that at?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I got a guy.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm gonna pass on your guy.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've never bought wolf urine before.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I want to buy unregulated, just hand jarred artisanal wolf urine from a stranger.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then I don't know what to do.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: How do I deploy it?
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: You want me to just walk around my house like a priest?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: I go, I can't believe I'm saying this.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_01: What is the hard way, man?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: If the easy way is the urine of an apex predator, what in God's name is the hard way?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Well, you know how raccoons don't like cucumbers.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh nah, I didn't know that.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't been hanging out with them or anything.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: Did y'all know that about raccoons?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: They don't like cucumbers.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's good info.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do with that?
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: Go to the farmer's market, get a big one, just wait till the sun goes down, just come out swinging.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, no, dude, you don't hit them with they don't like the smell.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Just plant some.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: So that's the hard way.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: Start a garden.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know how long it takes cucumbers to grow, but evidently one day these raccoons will come out and be like, you know what, let's get out of here.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know they were these type of people.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: My least favorite vegetable.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: I go, I appreciate your candor, man.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing either of those solutions.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is it possible to split the difference?
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: I know that sounds nuts, but is there a medium difficulty solution?
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: Is there something between wolf urine and cucumber farming?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: Is there something in the middle that I can do?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You got a crossbow?
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, no, I don't think so.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I got one.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: I said, what are you proposing?
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: He said, I'm proposing you text me your address, you cash app me 300 bucks, and you leave the house for a few hours.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, so he's there right now.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: We will see when I get home.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much for being here.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you.