Latest / I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger Winegar / Nick Kocher Disobeys Bridger

Transcript

Nick Kocher Disobeys Bridger · I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger Winegar

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: When I invited you here I thought I made myself
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: perfectly clear When you're a guest in my home You
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: gotta come to me empty-handed. I said no gifts, your
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: So how do you dare disobey me?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Welcome to... I said no gifts. I'm Bridger Weineger. We're here.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: I was just in traffic for 40 minutes. All because
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I ignored Google Maps four times. I did get to
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: watch the sunset from the 134. The entire sunset. So
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: that was nice. There was no horrific car accident to see, though.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: At the end... When you sit in traffic for 40 minutes,
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: you are owed some sort of debris or ambulance lights
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: or something. There's nothing. So I don't know. If you're
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: planning to get into a horrible car accident, maybe think
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: somebody might be headed to a podcast studio to record
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: a podcast episode. Think about that next time you're swerving
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: all over the freeway or whatever. So that's really, we're
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: really talking about my life in real time, and that's
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: interesting and important. Is there anything else more interesting than
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: me being stuck in traffic?
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: No.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: I think that's about my, that's just swallowed up my
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: entire brain. So we were half an hour late to
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: the recording, and that's fine. That's totally fine. I, um, Yeah,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: patreon.com slash isaidnogifts. Go there. Sign up. I never know
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: what the verb is. Add yourself. Hop in to patreon.com
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: slash isaidnogifts. We're having a wonderful time over there, bonus episodes, etc.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Let's get into the episode. Our guest has already been
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: waiting a half an hour, and he's very vulnerable. He's
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: exactly where I need him to be. It's Nick Kocher. Nick,
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: welcome to our setting of gifts.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: It's so great to be here. Fun fact about you
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: being late. I was going to be five to six
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: minutes late. And I got an email on my drive
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: over that was like, oh, Bridger's running about 20 minutes late.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: And my first thought was, how dare he? This is outrageous.
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: I was like so quickly, like, there was like a
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: moment of, Oh, good. I won't be late. And then
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: immediately like, what on earth?
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: That's the norm. I think that that's totally justified. I
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: think that you should let that anger just simmer through
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: the rest of your week. I'm mad.
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: Box it up and take it with me. Yeah.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: On your behalf, I'm angry. And it truly is because
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: I ignored Google Maps. Oh, it was begging me not
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: to take this certain. But lately, I feel like it's
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: been lying to me.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I've gone through this phase.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when I go to work in the morning, it
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: tells me not to take this route. And every time
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: I do it, it says it's like it'll take 20 minutes.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: And so I take my normal and then it's like
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: 16 minutes. So I'm wondering why is it lying to me?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: It's putting me in this place where I can't trust it.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: I like when I've been correct. Like I've been like, no,
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: I shouldn't go that way. I should go this way.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: And I've been right. And that's very dangerous.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: It empowers you in a bad way.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes. It gives you just the confidence of God.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: Yes. And then when you continue to do that, I
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: think that they eventually need to teach you. They need
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: to bring you down to earth.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: And then suddenly you're just on– what do they call
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: the on-ramp where it's a circle? What do we call
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: that thing? You know, the one that goes all– In.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: Atlanta, they had a big– a bunch of those and
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: they called it Spaghetti Junction. That's always what I think of. Right.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: I can't refer to all of them, I'm sure. Yeah.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: There must be some because it's not a roundabout. but
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: it is a giant curvy loop.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, curve.
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: The loop entrance.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: A loop. On-ramp, for sure.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: A on-ramp, the looped on-ramp.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: That feels close enough.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: So what was keeping you from getting here right on time,
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: like we so politely asked?
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: Well, what's wonderful about now having a child is they
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: get to, I have an excuse for everything. And so
• 5:00
  Speaker 3: it was I was putting my daughter to bed.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, I can't really argue with
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: that in any way.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: And I could also just have been vague and I
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: said there were child issues. And it would be very
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: rude to ask a follow-up question.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, child issues puts everybody in a kind of a
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: bummer mood.
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it does.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: You start wondering what's going on. Yeah, yeah.
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: I would follow it up with, no, it's fine. Everything's fine.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: But there was some, you know. There was issues that
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: resulted in me being five minutes late.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: You're wondering what could it possibly be that you won't
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: get into.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Some horrific diagnosis.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: There was only five minutes worth of.
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: My child was diagnosed with a terminal disease. I'm sorry
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: I'm five minutes late.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: You still show up to a podcast recording. That's the
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: world we're living in. Well, that's a very sweet thing.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I think that that's totally fine. Do you use it
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: to get out of like parties, that kind of thing?
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: Um, yes, but I want to go to parties. So I.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: There's a difference between the you and I.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: It's, you know, I'm trying to think. I use it sparingly,
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: fake when it's fake. Right. When it's real, I, you know,
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: nothing you can do. But I try to not, you know,
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: outright lie. Right. Well, good for you. Yeah. I think...
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: You know, I haven't, I don't know. And nothing pops
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: to mind. I don't think I've used it irresponsibly. That
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: being said, I definitely will.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: You absolutely should abuse that.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: I do it with my dog all the time.
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, I can't do it with anyone who
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: listens to this podcast because I talk about excusing myself
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: using the dog whenever I want.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: What's like, what do you say?
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: Oh, I've got to get home to the dog. She's,
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: I've got to let her out. None of this is true.
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I mean, she's totally fine for hours on end.
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah. No, that's a great one. I've used that as well.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: It feels great. And again, nobody can really– if somebody
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: pushes back at it, you're like, well, now you're really
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: proving why I would want.
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: To go home. The times that I've used it, I've
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: also been like, I should have been home to that
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: dog two hours ago. Like what am I– why am
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: I doing it now?
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Maybe I'll start saying I need to get home
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: to the dog. I haven't been there for four days.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: I've been gone a week.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So, wait, do you have a dog now?
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: I do have a dog, yeah.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: You've got a lot of responsibility.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And the dog, let me tell you, introducing a
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: baby into this dog's life was the worst thing to
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: happen to this dog and to me for the first
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: month of the baby's life. Well, we were very optimistic that,
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: you know, there's all these things they say. Like, our
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: dog is not... Our dog is a very loving dog once...
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: it gets to know you. Once you have been through
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: the introductory phase and she goes, okay, I like you,
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: you are loved till you die. She would never turn
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: on you. But getting people to that point takes some effort.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: And if you are a person who is like scared
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: of dogs, I generally am like, I don't know that
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: we'll try.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Just forget it.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah. We just won't. Be friends, you and I. So it's–
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: there's a whole procedure and she's got her issues. Like she–
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: we now like understand her enough that it's like– like
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: it's not like she's bitten one person. But she doesn't
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: bite because we sort of know how to.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Right, avoid that situation.
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: To avoid that situation. Right. Now, and that's fine. And
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: I think we've we've achieved it's it's a workable thing. Sure.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: The one person she bit was your baby.
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: No, no. Thank God. But so she's had these issues.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: We've we and we've worked our way around it. And
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: we were like with the baby, we're like, what? How's
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: this going to be? And I don't know. I, you know,
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: there's some whatever, a bit of advice online where they're like,
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: bring a blanket from the hospital. home to the dog
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: to get the dog used to the baby's smell for
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: when you bring the baby in. That did nothing. The
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: dog couldn't have cared less. We brought the baby home.
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: Normally when somebody comes over to the house, I meet
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: them out front with the dog. We walk around the
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: block with the dog. I give you the leash. You're
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: going to now– we were tricking the dog into thinking
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: you are now the owner.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: And then we like very slowly enter the house together
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: at stages. And then once she relaxed, I'm like, great.
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: We're good to go. With the baby, we tried to
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: do something similar. This week old baby, we walked around
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: the block.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: Attach the stroller to the leash.
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean, yeah. To some extent, she smelled. the,
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: you know, clothes. The baby's also premature, so just extra fragile.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: And as soon as the dog became aware of the baby,
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: started growling and barking wildly. Oh. And I don't... It
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: may have been that if we'd let her rest, go
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: over to the baby, she would have just smelled and
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: licked it.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: Sure, but.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: Not worth the risk. Not worth risking my child's face.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: You don't want to take that gamble.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: So then we, it was like a month, like the
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: first month of raising any child is probably the most
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: stressful month of anyone's life. And it was very stressful.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: And imagine doing that when there's a wolf living in
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: the house trying to also... Eat the baby. And you
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: love the wolf. Right.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: There's nothing you can do except for– and did the
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: dog continue to bark throughout this?
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: Yes. The dog barks.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: The stress that adds to any situation.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: So we got like breaks. We would send the dog
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: to training camp for like a week, mostly just to
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: get the dog out of the house for a week
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: so we could like– Sleep. Yeah, sleep and just– well,
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: the baby was born five weeks premature. We were in
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: the NICU for a week. She was fine. Everything was fine.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: But it was like very traumatizing. I'm sure. And it
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: was like immediately a wolf. So– and then– but then
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: two months later, we did a bunch of training. The
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: training involved rubbing sour cream on the dog– on the
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: baby and letting the dog lick. The sour cream mom. What?
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: Where did you get that advice?
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: The Ukrainian trainer.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Not WikiHow?
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: No. No, they probably would say not to do this.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: When we did it, my mom was in the room
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: and my mom was like this watching it. Just like,
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: my mom was like immediately like, give up that dog.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: Put that dog away. Like.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: Putting sour cream is very Ukrainian, like putting on pierogies.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they love it. It solves all their problems. But
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: it worked. Eventually, yeah. Now the dog and the baby
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: get along great. The dog, I mean, I think the
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: dog still is like, this sucks. I get so much
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: less attention. But they– but she– You know, licks the
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: baby and it's all good. That's kind of sweet. We
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: completely trust them alone together. How old is the dog?
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: I didn't think we would. The dog is now six. Yeah, six.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: We got her like, this is also the issue. We got,
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: this is a whole podcast about the dog. We got
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: her two weeks before quarantine in 2020. So we didn't
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: know there was going to be a COVID. Right. We
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: get a dog.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: No socialization.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: And she was a puppy and we couldn't socialize her. Right. Whoa.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: And now we live with that the rest of our lives.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: That is wild. So you had her for two weeks
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: and then were just trapped because we really were trapped
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: in our houses for a couple of months at least
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: before you could even go out on a walk.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Right. Yeah. Wow.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: And raising a puppy is a nightmare already.
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: Oh, it's it's I think it's harder than a child.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: I believe that because a child can't chew through furniture.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: A child isn't faster than you and isn't biting you
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: like jumping.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: You know, so it's like when you have a baby,
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: the baby just sits there for essentially a year while
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: you get your bearings.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: You put that thing wherever you want.
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Not with a puppy.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: Oh, my God.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: No.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: The puppy immediately. Yeah. There was a very funny thing
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: that happened. I remember my grandfather died. Very funny. A
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: month after we had the dog.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, God. What a COVID experience.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: And I get the call. And he was very old.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: He was like 97 years old. So we knew it
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: was coming. But it was very sad. And I got
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: the call. And I was kind of like outside with
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: the dog. And I was crying. And I kind of like.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: The dog comes over and starts licking me and I'm
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: like petting the dog. I'm like, oh, this is nice. Like,
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: this is why you have a dog. And she starts
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: biting me because she's a puppy and she didn't know
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: any better. And I was like, ah, stop, stop. You've
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: ruined this moment.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: And dog puppy teeth are so sharp.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: They're so sharp. And they, it's like, it doesn't, it's, it's,
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: you know, it's a mixture of it's, oh, ha, ha, ha.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: This is a cute little bite. Ow, ow, ow. That
• 14:26
  Speaker 3: really hurts.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: The thing about it, though, that I've kind of learned
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: because we got a puppy last summer and I was
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: so afraid of dog bites for such a long time.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: And now the amount of times I've been bitten by
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: a Rottweiler.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: Is that that you have a Rottweiler? Oh, my God.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Every size of her, you know, and I guess maybe
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: it's because she's not actually trying to harm me. But
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh, my arm and hand have just been
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: in this animal's mouth.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: Our dog would love you. So the technique to getting
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: our dog to love you, and I'll tell this to
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: like my guy friends who have dogs, or people who
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: love dogs, have spent a lot of time with dogs.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: I'm like, the best thing is honestly to just let
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: her come over and bite you a couple times. And
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: then she'll, and then within two minutes, she's like, that's
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: like kind of her murderer test. It's not like a
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: crazy bite. It's just she wants to, she's not allowed
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: to do it, but. I'm like, that's the hack, is
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: just let her.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: You know, taste you.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: Dominate you.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't mind getting one of those suits that they
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: wear in TV and movies for dogs to attack you.
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: I'd like that to be a rule for everyone. That
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: would make my life so much easier.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: To show up in one of those?
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: I would be less stressed if everyone would just wear that.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: All the time.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Great.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: They seem very flexible, very on the go. I'm sure
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: it's easy to get around.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: In one of those suits. I'm sure, especially in this heat.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: My goodness.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: It's essentially like a full-body cast.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, you'd think it's not the most creative invention.
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: It's kind of like, it feels like, you know, fourth-grader logic.
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: It's a little like something I would come up with.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: I came up with this where I was like, I
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: put a pillow under my shirt and was like, I've
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: made a bulletproof vest, essentially.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like we've got to move into something
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: a little bit more flexible, something you can get around town.
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah. An Iron Man suit. Yeah. You know.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: Kind of like shapewear except for dog attacks.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah. What are they called? Nanobots in the Marvel Universe.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: There we go. That's changed the subject. What does a
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: nanobot do?
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: A tiny bug that becomes your suit is my understanding.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: Protective lice essentially.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Very interesting. I don't buy it for a second.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: I wonder why they went with nanobot over protective lights.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: That was the runner-up. Well, you know, speaking of random
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: attacks and trying to protect ourselves and failing, I was
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: excited to have you on the podcast today.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: I thought Nick will come by. We'll have a nice time.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: Move on. The podcast is called I Said No Gifts.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: So I was frankly floored. when you showed up holding
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: what is undeniably a gorgeously wrapped gift. Yes. Is this
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: from me?
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Yes, it is.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, should we open it here on the podcast?
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: Yes, yes. I'm very excited. Okay. So, well, why don't
• 17:32
  Speaker 3: you open it? It's in a goop shopping bag for
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: just the listeners.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: I'm going to reach through the hole in the side.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: Let's see here.
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: Okay. And it's also got another bag. So what that is.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: Oh, look, this is a nice bag, too, actually.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, well, you know, it's an autographed copy of the
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: movie script for the film Warrior. A film... I don't
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: remember when it came out, but it stars Tom Hardy
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: and Joel Edgerton.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm picturing.
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: It's a UFC fighting movie. And....
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Who autographed this?
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: I believe the writer-director.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: None other than Gavin O'Connor, Anthony Tambakis, and Cliff Dorman.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: I guess I think just Gavin who directed the film. Yeah.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: How did this come into your– Well, I'll tell you.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: I watched the movie Warrior with my father on a
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: Christmas break whenever the year it came out, which I
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: don't know when that was.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: I'd say like roughly– I'm going to say either 2014.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: 2015 or 2017, that feels about right.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: I think that's exactly right. It's right in there. Maybe,
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: I think it's like, yeah, I think it might be 2016,
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: in fact.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: Oh, interesting.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: That would, I think, make sense, because I saw it,
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: and I really liked it. I hadn't heard anything about it.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: And I was like, this movie's great. I haven't heard
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: anything about it. I love a good sports movie. I
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: love Rudy. I don't care for sports. I don't care
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: for fighting.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: But you like to watch somebody succeed.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: I like the structure of sports when it is edited
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: when all of the uninteresting boring parts are taken out
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: and I liked the movie and I told I I
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: don't know I was telling people about it but I
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: was like there's this movie it's really great it's you
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: know whatever I around that time I think I saw
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: it Christmas break I must have been talking about it
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: a lot in the next two weeks okay because what
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: I received then that Like two weeks later was my birthday,
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: January 15th. I receive my buddy gets me a poster
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: for the movie Warrior.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: The you must've been talking about it nonstop.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: I don't know that I was, I think he was
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: talking about it. Like probably he was like, we were,
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: I think living together at the time. And I was,
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: so I was probably talking about it a lot over
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: this two week period. And he was like, I'll get
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: him the poster for the movie. And while I do
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: really like the movie, it's not a movie.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: That's a quick turnaround to a poster.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: It's also like I think even in talking about the movie,
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: I would say like the marketing for the movie I
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: didn't like. It looked like the most generic sports movie.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: I can picture the poster in my mind right now.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: It looked like a movie called Warrior.
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it looks like a movie that you would buy
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: in the bin at the CVS kind of like. Like,
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: I don't know, it's just like a very, it's like
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: having a Remember the Titans poster, which is not a
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: bad movie, but it's like an odd, I would be like,
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: you ever remember the Titans poster? You have a Warrior poster? Like,
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: you don't see enough films.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: That says a lot about it.
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: It's also like the movie posters, I feel like as
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: an adult, if you have a movie poster up, it
• 20:58
  Speaker 3: should be probably a French movie poster from the 1920s
• 21:02
  Speaker 3: or something. It shouldn't be like Matrix 2.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: It should be a lie about your taste.
• 21:08
  Speaker 3: Or it should have like, there should be some, there's
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: a vintage art style to it or something.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Add something to your home.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: Like probably it shouldn't be a movie that came out
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: this year. Right. I would say generally like unless it's
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: like you have a movie theater and that is the
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: vibe of your screening room. But so that's and I
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: kind of like want to be polite. So I have
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: it just sort of put up like in a corner.
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: I don't think it was framed. So I think I
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: but it wasn't hanging on my wall, but it was out.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: How was it out? I think it was on like
• 21:49
  Speaker 3: a poster board or something like that.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: Where did he get this poster in that time frame?
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Were they selling Warrior posters within two months of this
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: movie's release or he must have gone out of his
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: way to get it?
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Steal it from an AMC?
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: Well, it hadn't been released two weeks prior. It had
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: come out way earlier in the year. I had seen
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: it in December.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay. Warrior Fever was over.
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: Warrior Fever never existed. The movie, I don't think, was
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: seen by many people. It is very good.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: I think Tom Hardy makes good choices.
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: Nick Nolte was, I believe, nominated for an Oscar for it.
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: So anyhow, I have this poster there. I then start
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: dating my now wife. Mm-hmm. Oh, no. And so she–
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: and I– and she's like, oh, do you like that movie?
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: And I go, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's great. But I– again,
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: I like the movie.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: This is a nightmare.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: I have a poster because the fever pitch of me
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: liking the movie is when someone bought me a poster.
• 22:48
  Speaker 3: But now everyone is like, he loves Warrior. And I
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: think she– we start dating– this is like an early
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: gift into our relationship. And it's also like knowing my wife,
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: it was a very last minute gift. It was like,
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: what is he like? Oh, he's got that warrior poster.
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: He would love a signed copy of the script.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: God bless.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: So I get a signed copy of the script and
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: I go, oh, thank you so much. I also like,
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: Couldn't care less about autographs.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: That's a weird phenomenon to me. It just means nothing
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: to me.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: It means this celebrity was paid 80 bucks or whatever,
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: 20 bucks. Like Gavin O'Connor made a great movie. My
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: guess is if he was paid for this because maybe
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: he just.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: He was probably excited. He probably doesn't get asked a
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: lot to sign warrior scripts.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'm sure it's a great movie.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: It's probably a limited edition now that I think of it.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: It's probably one of four.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: It's probably not that. I can't imagine there's a big
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: market for the teleplay to fucking the movie Warrior signed
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: by one of three writers.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: Only revised by two. I wonder what the drama was there. Interesting. Hmm.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Cliff Dorfman left out of the revisions. I don't want
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: to start anything in the warrior.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: Verse, but... Who knows? Yeah. Wow.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: What a wild journey.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: It feels like when you're in elementary school and you
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: see a movie, every movie you see is your new
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: favorite movie. Where it's just like.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Just recency bias or whatever.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: Do you remember the first movie that you thought was bad? Yes.
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: Because I was the same where I was like, every
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: movie's good. Right. And then I saw one that was
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: bad and I was like, they can be bad?
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: I think these must have come around the same time.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe not. Muppet Treasure Island and episode one of Star Wars.
• 25:00
  Speaker 3: Sure.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: And just remember... I just remember being like.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: Muppet Treasure Island. I feel like I saw it when
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: I was very young.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was very young.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: But I don't recall... If you'd asked me, though, I
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: would say, oh, I thought people liked that movie. I
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: loved the Muppets. Yeah.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: And I loved the other Muppet movies. And I remember thinking,
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: this isn't the Muppets I like.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: This is a fall from grace.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: What's happened to the crew? But yeah, those were the two.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: What about you? Do you remember the first?
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: Yes, I do. It was the movie... Warriors of Virtue,
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: which I'm realizing has the word warrior in it. Wow.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: I think that that's the arc of your life. Yeah,
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I guess so, apparently. What was this movie?
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: It's such a strange movie. So few people are aware
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: of it. But it was like, you know, it was
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: kind of like a classic kids movie where there's like
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: a little boy is hanging out with maybe The cool kid,
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: the bullies kind of vibe. They pressure him to walk
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: on a wooden beam over a whirlpool.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: As children do.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: As they do. And he falls off into it. He
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: goes through this whirlpool and ends up in a magical
• 26:18
  Speaker 3: land and then has an adventure. And then at the
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: end of the movie, I think, washes up ashore and
• 26:25
  Speaker 3: it's like no time has passed, I think.
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: It's a dangerous lesson for kids.
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah, just try.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Just drown.
• 26:31
  Speaker 3: Roll the dice with a whirlpool and you'll go to.
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: And well, the magical land he goes to, there are
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: these kangaroos, live action, and they are like karate kangaroos
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: and they each are kind of Captain Planet-y, like they
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: each represent a different virtue. And it was so weird.
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: It was like, I just wanted to see kangaroos do karate.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: This movie was written by a stupid child.
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: Not even a child. This sounds crazy.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: Well, I think it was written by an adult who
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: was trying to get, like, who was trying to do
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: his version of, like, Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain or something,
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: where it's like, what are you, just have the kangaroos
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: do karate. Why is it?
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: It's like you polled a fifth grade class about their
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: favorite things.
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: And just took the whole list.
• 27:32
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. It's very Mad Libby. All the things. And
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: it was very confusing and very weird. And I just
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: remember walking out and being like, what the hell was that?
• 27:44
  Speaker 3: And also, like, I can't believe... I've seen a bad movie.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: What was it called again?
• 27:50
  Speaker 3: Warriors of Virtue.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: It was a Christian movie?
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: I don't think so.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: It's vaguely Christian to me. Except for all of the
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: black magic.
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: It feels more pagan than anything.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: I do feel like there was a period in the
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: 90s when whirlpools were on the minds of kids. I
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: loved the idea of a whirlpool and quicksand. Getting sucked
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: into one of those things is kind of the best
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: thing you could possibly do.
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Or like a tornado. Oh. Tornado. Yeah, it's the
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: spinning thing where it's like you're for sure going to
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: end up in a different world and not just cut
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: to hell by branches and trees.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Warriors of Virtue, did your parents take you to it?
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: Probably. Wow. My poor father.
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think about, I mean, this is probably... Top
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: three reasons I don't want to have a child is
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: I drive by Paw Patrol, this time with dinosaurs or whatever,
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: and I just think I couldn't. I can't go see
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: that movie.
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: I actively try to, like, play music for, like, good
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: actual music. My wife is acting completely counter to that.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: My wife is like, she loves Baby Shark. I played
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: her Baby Shark and she loves it. That's her fault. Don't.
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: Do it.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: When parents end up in this trap, I'm like, well,
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: the child heard it somewhere. You've allowed the child to
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: hear this.
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: But she likes Baby Shark more than, you know, whatever
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: Bob Dylan song I tried to.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: I think my nieces are slightly too old for this anymore.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: But when I used to go home for the holidays
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: and I would be driving, my sister lets them listen
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: to horrific children music. But when they would get in
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: When I was driving, I would say, unfortunately, my phone
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: only gets this sort of music. Just lie to them.
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: And then they would buy it and there was no choice.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: there was no.
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: Complaining I'm sorry it's only it's.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: Sadly I just don't have that internet yeah and again
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: it's easy for me to say as a non-parent but
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: I'm just like just lie to your child force whatever.
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah I think that's– I'm doing it.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: Make them resent you.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: But you both have to be a united front.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: If there's a crack, I mean, it's all downhill from there. Wow,
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: this is so fascinating. Are you much of a UFC person?
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: No, not at all.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: The idea of watching UFC, again, is very foreign to me.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: But it's another thing where I think I'm just so
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: outside of, I guess, what everyone else wants to be
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: doing because it's so wildly popular.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I don't– I think I've maybe watched it once
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: or twice, and it was so much buildup to– like it's–
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: you know, I think it was like a 30-second long fight,
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: whatever I saw, and I was like, okay. There was
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: like hours of preamble before this.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Like a televised preamble?
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, like, I mean, I think it's like other fight. Well,
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: it's like, you know, it's like probably a pay-per-view thing.
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: So they've got to like fill it with, here's 16
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: 30-second fights.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this never occurred to me because I haven't watched it.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: And you think of it as a televised event, which
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: usually the things I watch on TV are a half
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: hour to hour long.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: And they have a narrative structure.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: You assume the fight... is just going to be an hour,
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: but that makes no physical sense.
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, I, the other thing is like, I don't
• 31:17
  Speaker 3: know what's good or, but I know like one person
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: wins or not, but I don't know anything about the technique.
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: I think whoever tweets this, there's some tweet that like
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: goes viral every time there's the Olympics. I, if, if
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: I might be Megan Amram, I might not be whoever
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: it is. I'm sorry. I don't know your name. The, uh,
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: they say like, uh, Like once again, I'm petitioning to
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: have the Olympics have a normal person compete alongside the
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: athletes so we can see how much better they are.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: That would be incredible.
• 31:47
  Speaker 3: Which I think is a legitimately good idea because they're
• 31:50
  Speaker 3: all roughly– like they're all swimming about as fast as
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: each other. I want to see like me.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because when I'm watching, I'm like, well, this is
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: all pretty good.
• 32:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: Although I will say controversially, I was really let down
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: by skateboarding. I think Tony Hawk Pro Skater has ruined
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: real skateboarding for me.
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: That's true. I watched the Olympic version.
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: I'm like, do a combo.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. These people are doing one trick and falling down. Me,
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: me on the board, I sail in front of the sun.
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: Have the hang time of life. Three minutes.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: I just did a grind all the way around Alcatraz.
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: No, of course, like these people, like it would take
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: me a lifetime to learn one of these tricks. And
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: then I'm watching and I'm like, this is terrible.
• 32:40
  Speaker 3: I tried for years to ollie.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's impossible.
• 32:44
  Speaker 3: I think maybe did it once, maybe.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's so embarrassing for me.
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, all of my friends got into skateboarding and learned
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: a few tricks. And my brother and I bought a
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: skateboard and he demanded we get those monster truck wheels
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: on our skateboard. I know. just was impossible to learn
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: any tricks. It was just this worthless device.
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: What do you mean by monster truck wheels? They were like.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: You could go buy a skateboard deck and then they
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: would attach, like.
• 33:07
  Speaker 3: Like actually very big.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: Off-road, yes.
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: For God knows what reason. Yeah, yeah. So you don't
• 33:15
  Speaker 3: skateboard well. So you have an excuse not to skateboard,
• 33:17
  Speaker 3: I think, ultimately. I once, when I was really young,
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: our family moved around a bunch. And I... It was...
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: I hated it because I was very shy, but it
• 33:28
  Speaker 3: was very good for me in the long run because
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: I was thrown into the deep end of social interaction.
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: And with every school, I would reinvent myself, my personality. Oh,
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: I like this. Because I'd be like, whatever's been, you know,
• 33:41
  Speaker 3: whatever I've been doing hasn't been working at all. So
• 33:45
  Speaker 3: I'm going to just try. I'll just be a different guy.
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: And one of the guys that I was was retired
• 33:52
  Speaker 3: professional skateboarder. Oh, very smart. Where I was like, I
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: was incredible at skateboarding. I was so good. I could do,
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: and then I would list the like seven tricks that
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: I knew. And then what would happen, every person I
• 34:08
  Speaker 3: told this to, eventually I would, there would be a
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: skateboard and I would be around them and they'd be like,
• 34:12
  Speaker 3: go do it.
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: And I'd be like, I'm retired. You have to build
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: in a traumatic backstory.
• 34:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And kids in it, like, I sold it well
• 34:21
  Speaker 3: enough that people were like, people were like, I'm pretty
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: good at skateboarding. I mean, I'm not as good as Nick, but.
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: And I was not like, I could, you know, I
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: could skate around, but I couldn't do anything other than that.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: Well, those days were behind you.
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: Sorry.
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: I wish you could have been there.
• 34:41
  Speaker 3: I will not ever again. Yeah.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: Do you remember any other personalities that you took? This
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: is very Madonna of you.
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: I mean, I was like, I'll be like, I tried
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: being like a cartoonist for one. I think one was
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: legitimately like, maybe I'll try being depressed.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: That's an easy one.
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: Because I feel like I was influenced by a lot
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: of media where I'm like, yeah, these sad people seem
• 35:13
  Speaker 3: to be getting.
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: People are watching this.
• 35:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like music videos where it's like this guy singing
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: very sadly seems to be doing well for himself and
• 35:21
  Speaker 3: the world.
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: No, that's a mystery.
• 35:22
  Speaker 3: It's like what if I was just very publicly sad?
• 35:27
  Speaker 3: And I've gone back to that many times in my
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: life thinking maybe that'll work. No, I think that's probably
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: a good default to just fall back on. Yeah.
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: You can just mine personal territory. People can't really fight
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: with it.
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And I'll be like, or mysterious, silent and mysterious.
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: And that falls apart the moment I'm asked a question.
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: Just so nervous.
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm very excited about this. Let's just see what's
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: happening on the first page here. It does take place
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: in Pittsburgh at twilight. It starts there. Exterior Pittsburgh twilight.
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: A beautiful blue-collar city approaching nightfall. Bridges, rivers, churches, the
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: working-class poetry of the Berg.
• 36:14
  Speaker 3: Pittsburgh. What was it? What were the three? Bridges, churches? Rivers. Bridges, churches, rivers.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Feels like.
• 36:24
  Speaker 3: Bridges and rivers are going to be– so it's just–
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: it's bridges, rivers flanked by so many churches.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: Pittsburgh, religious city USA.
• 36:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Well, then we do– we end up in St. Mary's
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: Church or outside of it and that's where we meet
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: Patty Conlon.
• 36:46
  Speaker 3: What's he doing?
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: Who's exiting the doors of a rundown church.
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: He's been in an AA program.
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that checks out.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: Is that who Nick Nolte is playing?
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: You better believe it. I'm going to just pick a...
• 36:58
  Speaker 3: I want to pick a random.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: Is he a retired UFC person?
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: Nick Nolte?
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: Within the movie.
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: Oh, God.
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: This is your favorite movie.
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: He trained his sons. Okay. It's about two brothers who
• 37:12
  Speaker 3: both know how to fight and then end up in
• 37:15
  Speaker 3: the same tournament fighting each other. And they both need
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: the money... For very good reasons. For their church. So
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: you're like, I don't know who's going to, you know,
• 37:27
  Speaker 3: who deserves it more. Right. Oh, yeah, and the fighting
• 37:30
  Speaker 3: competition is called Sparta. It's a fighting tournament. It's called Sparta.
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: I think it's a very good film.
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: Well, the whole thing is very Greek tragedy.
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: It's also very, the front page appears to be laminated.
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he went out of his way. When he was
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: at Kinko's, he said, give me the nice stuff.
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: Oh, my God. Speaking of laminate, this is a complete–
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: this is definitely part of my– one of the personalities
• 37:58
  Speaker 3: I tried on. So in fifth grade, I was the
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: only white kid in my class or the only white
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: boy in my class. I think there was like two
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: white girls. And at lunch– I would sit– all my
• 38:13
  Speaker 3: friends were black, and we would all sit at this
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: one lunch table, which must have looked incredible to see,
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: just me. And we started a club called the Men
• 38:25
  Speaker 3: in Black. It was after the film came out. Unrelated. Yeah,
• 38:35
  Speaker 3: I guess in that they were both organizations, but we
• 38:38
  Speaker 3: had nothing to do with aliens.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 38:40
  Speaker 3: We were– Mostly black boys, let's be clear. And then
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: one white boy, me. We were the men in black.
• 38:49
  Speaker 3: And we would talk about it like, yeah, we're the
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: men in black. And I think like you do when
• 38:57
  Speaker 3: you're a child, you assign roles to everybody. And I
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: just volunteered for treasurer because it was like the go-to
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: role that like nobody would want.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: And, like, we didn't have a treasury of any sort.
• 39:11
  Speaker 3: There's no funds. No funds I would be in control of.
• 39:17
  Speaker 3: And I was so proud of being a member of
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: this group that I made a business card for myself,
• 39:25
  Speaker 3: designed it on my computer, and that I went to,
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: you know, Microsoft Word.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 39:30
  Speaker 3: Picked a font that was insane for a business card. Like,
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: not Comic Sans, but in the realm of, like, a
• 39:38
  Speaker 3: real fun font.
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: I loved, I remember there was one called Jester that
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: I loved.
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah. It might have been Jester. And I had my
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: name on it. I had my role treasurer of the
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: Men in Black was on there as well. I think
• 39:55
  Speaker 3: I had– and then I had nicknames, which no– That's
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: a good idea for a business card, actually.
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: Feel free to call me by.
• 40:03
  Speaker 3: And it was DJ 3000 and– I forget the other.
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: I think it was, like, not... I think it was, like,
• 40:18
  Speaker 3: sexually inappropriate, though. Like, I feel like 69 was in
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: it or something like that. Of course. But DJ 3000,
• 40:26
  Speaker 3: and then some other one that's potentially sexually inappropriate. I
• 40:32
  Speaker 3: cut it to, like, business card shape or whatever, and
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: then I took it to Kinko's and had it laminated.
• 40:40
  Speaker 3: And I can't imagine... What this Kinko's employee thought he
• 40:48
  Speaker 3: was doing. Because one, nobody has laminated business cards. This
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: business card is meant to be handed out.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 40:57
  Speaker 3: So what I had was a business card. So it
• 40:59
  Speaker 3: was the shape of a business card. But then it
• 41:03
  Speaker 3: was laminated. And the lamination went like a half inch
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: around the card. So it could fit in no wallet.
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: It's this thick piece of plastic. And the idea is, yeah,
• 41:16
  Speaker 3: I only had the one. So it would be like
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: I would show it to you. You would read it.
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: Identification.
• 41:21
  Speaker 3: I need this back.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: Memorize everything on that.
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: And I brought it into my friends at school and
• 41:26
  Speaker 3: I was like, look, I made a card. And everyone
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: was like, what? And I was like, what did I do?
• 41:35
  Speaker 3: Why did I do this? This is crazy. Oh, no. Wow.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: How long did the group go on for?
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: They didn't. I think there was one conversation one day.
• 41:47
  Speaker 3: I was like, we're in a club. Everyone else was like, oh, right. Yeah,
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: we're that club.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: It's very exciting to be in a club.
• 41:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: You went overboard.
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah. You went too far with it.
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: Also, the idea of being a treasurer sounds very fun.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: I mean, look. Treasure. For the men in black. Oh, yeah.
• 42:09
  Speaker 3: Can you imagine?
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: Who could ask for more? Wow. Do you still have it?
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: I think I do. Oh. It's in Atlanta at my
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: mom's house. I don't have it with me. But I
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: remember finding it years later and being like, oh, my God.
• 42:26
  Speaker 3: You need to do something with that. Have it framed
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: next to your Warriors poster. Just add another level of
• 42:31
  Speaker 3: lamination to it.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: Wow. I bet that Kinko's person still thinks about that.
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I got to imagine the– I guess they actually
• 42:42
  Speaker 3: probably don't see many horrors at Kinko's. Yeah.
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: It's probably very boring.
• 42:47
  Speaker 3: But then every once in a while, something crazy.
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: Are they– is it– does Kinko's still exist or have
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: they totally turned into FedEx?
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: I think it's FedEx Kinko's is my theory.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: I think the word Kinko's was very fun. They should
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: have held on to that. Now I feel like I
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: just go into a FedEx.
• 43:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: What a shame. Yeah. Yeah.
• 43:08
  Speaker 3: And what a great vibe it is in there.
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: The air, the carpet.
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: The customer service, incredible. Everything always works.
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: Oh, boy. Well, I think we should play a game.
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: Great.
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: We're going to play a game called Invite List. Do
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: you have anything to promote or recommend?
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: Sure. I'll promote my movie that I wrote and directed
• 43:40
  Speaker 3: with my writing partner, Brian McElhaney. It's called Pizza Movie.
• 43:45
  Speaker 3: It's on Hulu and Disney +. It stars Gaten Matarazzo,
• 43:49
  Speaker 3: Sean Gambrone, Lulu Wilson. And it's very funny. It's a
• 43:53
  Speaker 3: dumb stoner comedy. And you should watch it.
• 43:57
  Speaker 2: It's a very fun movie.
• 43:59
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: And a very fun– the concept is just so nice.
• 44:03
  Speaker 3: Yes. Yes. It's– You can hold it in your hand. Yes.
• 44:08
  Speaker 3: As it were.
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: But a delightful pizza movie, really, to eat pizza to.
• 44:12
  Speaker 3: It's about just to, you know, not to frustrate people
• 44:15
  Speaker 3: at home who don't know what it is, I suppose.
• 44:17
  Speaker 3: It's about two guys who have ordered a pizza and
• 44:20
  Speaker 3: have also done drugs. And in order to get their pizza,
• 44:23
  Speaker 3: they have to go down to the lobby of their
• 44:25
  Speaker 3: college dorm. But because they're on this very insane, very
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: fictional drug, this journey down two flights of stairs to
• 44:32
  Speaker 3: get a pizza is a feature film.
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: Delightful. Okay, we're going to play a game called Invite List.
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I'm going to start naming a list of celebrities. You
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: tell me if they're invited or not invited.
• 44:43
  Speaker 3: Okay, to what?
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: Whatever you want.
• 44:46
  Speaker 3: Your party.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: Your very exclusive party. Once we get to 10, that's
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: the party.
• 44:51
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: And you can say why or why not, whatever you want.
• 44:54
  Speaker 3: Okay, okay. I feel like the first few people I
• 44:58
  Speaker 3: invite are going to determine what the event is.
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: Yes, I think that's a smart way to do this.
• 45:03
  Speaker 3: Okay, Jay Leno.
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: Jay Leno.
• 45:06
  Speaker 3: This is a huge decision because there's no going back.
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: No, this is like a two.
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: Jay Leno is there. It is.
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: That's a very specific.
• 45:22
  Speaker 3: He's not invited. I can't. That's that's I. There's certain
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: things that I would invite Jay Leno to. He's not
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: going to be the first guest to this.
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: Queen Latifah.
• 45:35
  Speaker 3: Queen Latifah can come. For sure.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: David Schwimmer.
• 45:38
  Speaker 3: For sure can come.
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: Alanis Morissette.
• 45:43
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: Trevor Noah.
• 45:46
  Speaker 3: No.
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: Roy Choi.
• 45:49
  Speaker 3: Roy Choi.
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: Who's that? He's a chef. He initially started the Kogi
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: truck Korean tacos trend and has kind of gone on
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: to just be kind of a famous chef.
• 46:01
  Speaker 3: Okay. And what do we think? Is he going to
• 46:03
  Speaker 3: be offended if I invite him and am expecting him
• 46:06
  Speaker 3: to also cater to the event? Oh, interesting.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: I think so, yes.
• 46:09
  Speaker 3: Okay. He can't come then. Dr. Dre. Okay. Let me just– okay.
• 46:14
  Speaker 3: We've got Schwimmer. We've got Queen Latifah. We've got Alanis Morissette.
• 46:20
  Speaker 3: It's a dinner party for sure.
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: It sounds like a nice time.
• 46:24
  Speaker 3: I think this would be a great time. And who's
• 46:26
  Speaker 3: the most recent person? Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Absolutely.
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: Kiefer Sutherland.
• 46:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: Heather Gay. She's one of the... I don't know who
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: that is. This ends up in almost... Every time we
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: play this, it's a different Real Housewife, but she's from Utah.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: She runs kind of a med spa.
• 46:44
  Speaker 3: No, I'm sorry, Heather.
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: Ron DeSantis.
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: Ron DeSantis. I mean, if I'm controlling the seating chart...
• 46:55
  Speaker 3: Which I think I am. Now it's a dinner where
• 46:58
  Speaker 3: there's little name tags. Ron DeSantis is there and he's
• 47:01
  Speaker 3: going to be sat. Dr. Dre is going to be
• 47:05
  Speaker 3: potentially right next to him. Okay. I'll see who else.
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: Carey Mulligan.
• 47:14
  Speaker 3: Carey Mulligan. Now that's the actress.
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 47:18
  Speaker 3: Yes. Yes. Oh, she's great.
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: She's so charming.
• 47:20
  Speaker 3: She can't come. She's not the right vibe for what
• 47:23
  Speaker 3: I'm going for now.
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: Chrissy Teigen.
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: Yeah, she can come.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: Quinta Brunson.
• 47:31
  Speaker 3: Yes, for sure.
• 47:32
  Speaker 2: Jarvis Cocker.
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: Who?
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: He's the singer of the band Pulp. Incredible person, but
• 47:37
  Speaker 2: if you don't know who he is, probably not an invite.
• 47:40
  Speaker 3: Well, I do need some buffers around Ron DeSantis. He
• 47:44
  Speaker 3: can come. He is going to be part of the.
• 47:50
  Speaker 3: Six people surrounding Ron DeSantis. All right, and that's nine.
• 47:54
  Speaker 3: This is incredible.
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: What a strategy.
• 47:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: Okay, Fran Lebowitz.
• 47:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: That's ten.
• 48:01
  Speaker 3: Great. That's a great— Can you just buzz through the
• 48:04
  Speaker 3: next five so I know what I missed? Oh, sure.
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: Bella Hadid.
• 48:08
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: Lily Gladstone.
• 48:10
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: Dua Lipa. Okay. Harry Styles.
• 48:13
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: John David Washington.
• 48:15
  Speaker 3: Great.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: Okay. So I think you strategize in a.
• 48:18
  Speaker 3: Really nice way. I'd love to trade someone for Lily Gladstone.
• 48:21
  Speaker 3: And guess where she's going? Other side of Ron DeSantis.
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: Incredible. I support that party in every possible way. Okay.
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: We're going to quickly play a game called Gift or
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: a Curse. We'll just do a couple here just because
• 48:38
  Speaker 2: people want to hear this. I'm going to name a
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: couple of things. You tell me if they're a gift
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: or a curse and why.
• 48:45
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: Then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong because
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: there are correct answers. Okay. This is from a listener
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: named Samantha. Gift or a curse, yard sales in your neighborhood?
• 48:58
  Speaker 3: I think gift. Why? Well, I enjoy seeing a yard sale.
• 49:05
  Speaker 3: I don't. As a child, I loved yard sales. I
• 49:10
  Speaker 3: thought they were fun. I didn't, you know, oftentimes now
• 49:14
  Speaker 3: I understand there's a connotation of potentially, I mean, maybe
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: it's just your moving or whatever. You're just cleaning out
• 49:21
  Speaker 3: house or it's things have gone very badly for you
• 49:25
  Speaker 3: and you need, you know, payments of two dollars for
• 49:29
  Speaker 3: various keepsakes in your life. But I always get I
• 49:32
  Speaker 3: don't know. I get a good feeling when I see them,
• 49:35
  Speaker 3: I think.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: Gift.
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: I think that's a nice thing. I think it's a
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: good excuse to go nose around your neighbor's things. Frequently,
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: you don't know what's going on in your neighbor's houses.
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: Why not get a peek? Find out why they're trying
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: to sell all of this.
• 49:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I've always come too late, though, and it's just
• 49:54
  Speaker 3: the drags.
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: There's nothing. Well, my problem with a yard sale out
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: of my neighborhood is I'm always on my way to
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: something else.
• 50:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 50:00
  Speaker 2: So I can't stop there. Yeah. And also I don't
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: care about their lives, so I can't nose around. Yeah.
• 50:05
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean anything to me. If I'm walking around
• 50:08
  Speaker 3: my neighborhood and, you know, perusing around, if I'm not
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: on my way to somewhere, I'm walking around, I'm walking
• 50:13
  Speaker 3: a dog that will attack.
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: That's a good way to get rid of other yard
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: sale customers. Okay. The second one is from a listener
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: named Annie. Gift or curse free samples in the mall
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: food court?
• 50:27
  Speaker 3: Gift. Why? Delicious. Delicious. Correct. Yeah.
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: I haven't had one.
• 50:34
  Speaker 3: In a while.
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: I actually think this is actually a sore spot for
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: me because I can't remember the last time I was
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: offered one.
• 50:41
  Speaker 3: The best sauce is free. Yeah.
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: Oh, listen, I've really been on this podcast talking about
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: why sauce needs to be– people are starting to charge
• 50:50
  Speaker 2: for sauce.
• 50:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, I mean like, you know, like they say
• 50:54
  Speaker 3: the best sauce is hunger or whatever.
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: How interesting.
• 50:58
  Speaker 3: Like if you're really hungry, it's– Everything tastes better because
• 51:02
  Speaker 3: you're starving or whatever. And I would also say, but also,
• 51:06
  Speaker 3: maybe second place or tied, is if it is free,
• 51:10
  Speaker 3: it makes it more delicious.
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, great. You've gotten two. We'll do one more. This
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: is from a listener named Emily. Gift or a curse
• 51:18
  Speaker 2: electric blankets?
• 51:21
  Speaker 3: Gift. Why? I love them. Wrong.
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 51:29
  Speaker 2: I think this is a curse. I don't like the
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: idea of a blanket being plugged in. I don't like
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: the idea of I wake up sweating no matter what
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: the temperature is. And to be trapped under a heated
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: blanket doesn't work for me.
• 51:45
  Speaker 3: Have you been somewhere very cold, though, and done it? No. Okay. Well,
• 51:51
  Speaker 3: that I'd try for sure.
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: I refuse. It scares me. Okay. You know, seems dangerous.
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: What's happening in a heated blanket, actually?
• 52:03
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: I think it's metal.
• 52:06
  Speaker 3: Coils that are getting very hot. But did you ever, like,
• 52:10
  Speaker 3: you know, when you were a kid or currently, stand
• 52:13
  Speaker 3: in front of a fire until your jeans get too hot? Oh, sure.
• 52:17
  Speaker 3: And then you're like, ah, it got too hot. And
• 52:20
  Speaker 3: then you wait, and then you go back to the fire.
• 52:23
  Speaker 3: I love that feeling. You then like electric blankets. It's that.
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I really, okay, well, you're wrong, but I'll
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: consider it in the future.
• 52:31
  Speaker 3: We'll see.
• 52:32
  Speaker 2: All right. Let's answer a listener question here. People are
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: writing in to isaidnogifts at gmail.com, begging for answers, et cetera,
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: et cetera. Okay, this is Highbridger and Disrespectful Guest. My
• 52:44
  Speaker 2: son is starting kindergarten next week, and it seems like
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: everyone goes a bit wild with teacher gifts starting from
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: day one these days. I love and support teachers and
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: wish I could just contribute financially to anything they might
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: need for the classroom or extra pocket cash for themselves,
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: but a plain gift card seems a bit cold and
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure where I would buy it. I already
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: paid my PTA dues for the year, which includes amounts
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: for teacher gifts for the holidays, teacher appreciation, and end
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: of the year, but it appears that most parents also
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: send something on the first day of the week. I
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: want my son's teacher to feel appreciated. Truly can't imagine
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: caring for 20 of my child for seven hours each day.
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: Come on.
• 53:31
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 53:32
  Speaker 2: And want to curry favor as much as the next
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: suck-up mother. So please help me figure out what to
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: send my kid's teacher to start out the year. She
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: told us that she enjoys reading, Broadway shows, and watching football,
• 53:44
  Speaker 2: but not sure which team. We live in northern New Jersey,
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: home of the Real Housewives of New Jersey gals, if
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: that helps.
• 53:52
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: Your desperate and loyal listener, Carmella.
• 53:56
  Speaker 3: Oh. Carmella.
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: I like.
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: Soprano. Soprano.
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: Carmella's reaching out. She's got a new.
• 54:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 54:03
  Speaker 2: She had a late in life. Her husband is dead.
• 54:07
  Speaker 2: She's remarried.
• 54:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 54:09
  Speaker 2: Well, she might be dead.
• 54:11
  Speaker 3: Good for Carm.
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: There's a chance that she's dead. We don't know what
• 54:13
  Speaker 2: happened there.
• 54:14
  Speaker 3: We don't know. This is the first time. I mean,
• 54:18
  Speaker 3: I don't have a child in school yet, but I hate.
• 54:21
  Speaker 3: The sound of this. It also sounds like this is
• 54:24
  Speaker 3: happening every week, the first day of every week. Let's
• 54:27
  Speaker 3: see here. Or just the first day of the school year.
• 54:29
  Speaker 2: I think the first day of the school year, but
• 54:31
  Speaker 2: it seems like people are doing too much.
• 54:35
  Speaker 3: I don't remember ever bringing a gift for my teacher. Right.
• 54:41
  Speaker 3: Or other kids doing that. And I do think teachers
• 54:44
  Speaker 3: should be rewarded.
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: And that's where you and I part ways.
• 54:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay.
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: This is a very anti-public education podcast.
• 54:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, great. Okay.
• 54:52
  Speaker 2: Public school teachers, what have they done?
• 54:53
  Speaker 3: That's kind of what I– my big question. Some harm probably.
• 54:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, ultimately only harm.
• 54:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, okay.
• 55:03
  Speaker 2: So I really don't feel like a teacher deserves anything.
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: We know they're paid too much. We know they're underworked.
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: So it's a little like what else could they possibly
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: ask for?
• 55:14
  Speaker 3: I do– the listener– They sort of seem to think
• 55:17
  Speaker 3: that gift card is the only option. They're like, a
• 55:20
  Speaker 3: gift card is too cold, so what am I to do?
• 55:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. I refuse to think about it beyond a
• 55:25
  Speaker 2: gift card.
• 55:26
  Speaker 3: Right. I don't know. I mean, you could do the
• 55:29
  Speaker 3: old classic standard red apple, shiny red apple.
• 55:33
  Speaker 2: I wonder if a teacher likes getting that or if
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: it's annoying. I wouldn't want to get a red apple.
• 55:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: Something you picked up at a gas station.
• 55:39
  Speaker 3: Unwrapped fruit.
• 55:41
  Speaker 2: No, thank you.
• 55:42
  Speaker 3: Just, no, no food probably.
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 55:46
  Speaker 3: I feel like, I mean, Broadway shows... That seems insane.
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: Those tickets are so expensive. What, are you picking the
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: date also?
• 55:54
  Speaker 3: You're coming in like, hey, September 17th, we've got, you're
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: gonna go see Mamma Mia.
• 56:03
  Speaker 2: In the middle of a school week. Right. Maybe they
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: could take a note out of your friend's book and
• 56:10
  Speaker 2: get a Broadway show poster.
• 56:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Broadway show, yeah. Or the poster for the movie Warrior.
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: Or a book. Give them a book. They love to
• 56:20
  Speaker 3: read or whatever. Yeah, find a book.
• 56:22
  Speaker 2: Find a... There's probably a novelization of Warrior.
• 56:25
  Speaker 3: Or just be like, hey, I don't have a gift.
• 56:29
  Speaker 3: My gift is I'm not going to be a nightmare
• 56:31
  Speaker 3: in your class.
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: My child will obey.
• 56:33
  Speaker 3: Yes. I will support and my child will obey. You
• 56:36
  Speaker 3: pin a note to your child that says one free hit.
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: Feel free to hit my child.
• 56:41
  Speaker 3: You can hit me.
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: That feels like Carmelo Soprano type parenting.
• 56:44
  Speaker 3: You don't have to. You don't have to hit that.
• 56:46
  Speaker 3: It's the threat of the hit that will keep the
• 56:49
  Speaker 3: child behaved.
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: I think that's a perfect answer. And again, public school teachers,
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: what's the point really of them? This is a very
• 57:02
  Speaker 2: anti-public school teacher podcast.
• 57:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, sure. I'll get on board.
• 57:08
  Speaker 2: My mom was one, you know. I don't see that.
• 57:12
  Speaker 3: And what's the point?
• 57:13
  Speaker 2: She's lazy.
• 57:14
  Speaker 3: She was overpaid. Children should go to a room in
• 57:19
  Speaker 3: an unattended room for the day.
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, this is what I'm saying over and over. But
• 57:24
  Speaker 2: we've helped Carmela, and I love to help a Carmela.
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: This is the first Carmela I've ever helped.
• 57:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 57:30
  Speaker 2: I feel honored.
• 57:31
  Speaker 3: Well, now you, you know, she owes you a favor.
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: Yes, and she's a powerful woman.
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: Well, as we know.
• 57:39
  Speaker 2: Well, we answered the question perfectly. I now have this beautiful,
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: beautiful script signed by one of my favorite writers and directors.
• 57:48
  Speaker 3: What happens to all the gifts on the show?
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: Some of those things behind you are, it's a small
• 57:53
  Speaker 2: sampling of the gifts that have been given. And look
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: to your left over there. We actually just received another
• 57:59
  Speaker 2: warrior-themed thing, Warriors the Book. But that's like to the
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: other side of this thing. Oh, to my left.
• 58:08
  Speaker 3: Oh, sure, yeah. Yes. Warriors into the wild.
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is now a running theme, warrior-themed gifts.
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: But this is where some of them go. Some of
• 58:19
  Speaker 2: them end up in my house, some in my garage.
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: Then I give them away on live shows. I haven't
• 58:25
  Speaker 2: done any live shows this year due to various things,
• 58:28
  Speaker 2: but I'm trying to find ways to kind of push
• 58:31
  Speaker 2: them out into the world.
• 58:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I can imagine.
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: But this is a wonderful gift.
• 58:38
  Speaker 3: I'm happy to give it a new home. And I
• 58:41
  Speaker 3: hope it inspires people to give you many more warrior-themed things.
• 58:44
  Speaker 3: I hope that that's for the next hundred gifts. It's
• 58:47
  Speaker 3: like the ring. You have to show it. You have
• 58:51
  Speaker 3: to give it to someone else.
• 58:52
  Speaker 2: There are a lot of warrior-esque things. Lots of warriors
• 58:56
  Speaker 2: the movie and the other movie.
• 58:58
  Speaker 3: Warriors of virtue.
• 58:59
  Speaker 2: Warriors of, oh, that's enough. I've got to look up
• 59:02
  Speaker 2: warriors of virtue.
• 59:04
  Speaker 3: People love the word warrior. Yeah.
• 59:06
  Speaker 2: It just gets them excited. And I'm going to have
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: to watch this movie. Yeah.
• 59:11
  Speaker 3: It's a good movie.
• 59:13
  Speaker 2: I like Tom Hardy. I watched the movie where he
• 59:15
  Speaker 2: drove around in a car for an hour and a half.
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: What was that called?
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: Lock.
• 59:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 59:19
  Speaker 2: Nobody bought me a poster for that.
• 59:21
  Speaker 3: I can't imagine they made them for that movie. Yeah.
• 59:27
  Speaker 2: Well, I've had a wonderful time.
• 59:29
  Speaker 3: Me as well.
• 59:29
  Speaker 2: Thank you for being here.
• 59:30
  Speaker 3: Oh, thank you for having me.
• 59:32
  Speaker 2: Listener, the podcast is over. I'm going to get back
• 59:37
  Speaker 2: in the car and drive my thousandth mile for the day.
• 59:41
  Speaker 2: And so just think about how much I.
• 59:43
  Speaker 3: Suffer for you. I love you. Goodbye.
• 59:50
  Speaker 2: I Said No Gifts is an Exactly Right production. Our
• 59:54
  Speaker 2: senior producer is Ellis Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully
• 59:58
  Speaker 2: mixed by Ben Tolliday. The theme song is by miracle
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: worker Amy Mann, and we couldn't do it without our
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: booker Patrick Kottner. You must follow the show on Instagram
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: at I Said No Gifts. That's where you're going to
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 2: see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: don't you want to see the gifts?
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: Well, I invited you here.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: I thought I made myself perfectly clear When you're a
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough And
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: I already had too much stuff So how do you
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: dare disobey me?
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 3: Thank you.