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Attachment Styles and How They Influence The Way We Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Today is the third and final episode in the little mini-series that I've been running on attachment styles, attachment theory.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And today I'm particularly going to shine a light on attachment styles and how they influence our breakups and our divorce.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Many of us are aware how our attachment styles influence how we act within a relationship, how we form a relationship.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if you weren't aware and haven't yet listened to the previous two episodes of the podcast, I encourage you to go back and listen to the overview of attachment theory and attachment styles that I run through in those last two episodes.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: So many of us are aware of how our attachment style influences our formation of and behavior within a relationship, within a couple, intimate partner relationship, but not all of us would credit them for how we cope with our emotions when relationships come to an end.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Even how our attachment style influences whether a relationship ends and how and why a relationship might end.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm going to step through each of the attachment styles in a little bit more detail and talk about not only how we behave in relationship but how our attachment style, how each of those attachment styles influences how we behave as we navigate our way out of a relationship through a break, through relationship breakup, separation, divorce.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start with the secure attachment.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: People with secure attachment styles typically experience safe, understanding, responsive relationships with their caregivers as children, hence develop their secure attachment style.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: They're really comfortable within themselves and can handle or experience emotional stress without becoming overly distressed or flooded.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: They can regulate their emotions and they can deal with intense emotion.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're able to trust in themselves, trust their partner, they can be honest about their feelings, offer support to their partner when their partner's distressed, self-soothe themselves when they're distressed, and people with secure attachments are more likely to build and create and have happy, harmonious, connected relationships, but they're not totally immune from breakups or divorce.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, they may actually be more likely to break off a relationship because they feel secure within themselves and confident that they can navigate life alone.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Their sense of worth and fulfillment and their own happiness isn't actually tied 100% to being in a relationship.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So they are comfortable to leave a relationship if it's not healthy or happy or fulfilling.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: So they are comfortable to be by themselves and they won't stay in a relationship for the sake of it.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're comfortable to leave and find a relationship that does work for them, create a different relationship that is healthy, happy, and fulfilling.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Securely attached people trust themselves, they trust their environments, they're able to really easily articulate their needs through healthy forms of communication and hold healthy boundaries.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And this shows up during all types of their relationships and continues generally through separation and divorce.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: They tend to break up in relatively healthy ways.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Their capacity to self-regulate, to experience intense emotions without feeling overwhelmed actually serves them really well through difficult life situations, life experiences like a separation or a divorce.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: However, given that attachment style is not 100% fixed, it's not set in stone, navigating a separation or divorce with an ex who is perhaps anxious or avoidant in their attachment style can nudge an otherwise securely attached person one way or the other.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: It can influence their behaviour, leading to them showing up or exhibiting less secure behaviours.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I find that was really interesting in the research that if you are securely attached but navigating a highly stressful life experience with another person who is not so securely attached, it can nudge you either towards a more anxious style of behaving or to a more avoidant, dismissive type of behaviour.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: So secure attachment, less likely to break up, but also likely to leave if something is unhappy, unfulfilling, they've done all the work and it can't be shifted or changed.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're comfortable to leave, and they tend to navigate a separation or a breakup in an emotionally mature, regulated way.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Tend to.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about anxious attachment.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: For anxiously attached people, life revolves heavily around relationships, in fact, completely around the relationship.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Their well-being, their happiness is completely linked to their relationship.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: So the challenge for someone who is anxiously attached or has an anxious attachment style is to allow independence, their own and that of their partner, without feeling the relationship is under threat or threatened.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: High levels of physical and emotional intimacy, really, really important to anyone who is anxiously attached or has an anxious attachment style.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And they tend to prioritize their relationship often above almost all other aspects of their life: work, friendships, family relationships, everything takes a back seat to the intimate partner relationship.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And the anxious person's hyperfixation on their relationship often manifests in overthinking, over-analysing, guessing, assuming, theorizing about what their partner does or says, and that flows through into a separation, a breakup, or a divorce.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone who is anxiously attached is more prone to jealousy than others.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're often incredibly insecure about their partner's exes and can become very hung up on comparisons and fears about their own value and worthiness, their own perceived shortcomings.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Again, that can blow up and be exacerbated through separation, divorce.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Early in relationships, especially anxiously attached, individuals will often downplay their needs and emotions.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: They're terrified to be seen as too much or scare people away with their intensity or their neediest, neediness.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: But this can lead to a self-belief, a belief that they need to put in all the effort to the relationship, or that the balance is tipped in against them, I suppose.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Anxiously attached people have a tendency to keep score without raising their true feelings or hurts directly or openly, and that leads to frustration, resentment that can blow up during arguments.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Again, this can be really exacerbated during separation or divorce.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: In a conflict, someone with an anxious attachment style typically strives to maintain connection and to address the issue right away and to continue to talk through right to the end.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're often the one that refuses to leave a conversation until the matter is resolved.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Every stone needs to be unturned.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: And even if they were the one who initiated the complaint or started the argument, they will keep going right to the end.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Again, that can be exacerbated or blown up further through separation or divorce.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: They are keen to have the conversation, to come to some sort of resolution or end point, and in part it's about maintaining a connection.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Even if they don't want to be in relationship anymore, it's about maintaining that connection.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Anxiously attached individuals struggle to trust and feel safe with their partner and will therefore be similar or behave similarly with an ex.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: They struggle to trust, they struggle to feel safe.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: They frequently question the security of the relationship when they're in a relationship and will absolutely question the entire relationship once it's ended, even if they were the one to choose the end or to instigate the ending of the relationship.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: They'll question it, they'll go over it, they'll over-analyse it to the nth degree.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: And may repeatedly initiate contact with an ex to try and unpack what went wrong and why it went wrong and why they've been abandoned, why they've been left, why the relationship has ended.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: They'll want to know all the reasons.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Another way that an anxious attachment style can impact through relationship, but also as you navigate out of one is what we call protest behavior.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Those with anxious attachment styles often use what we call protest behavior.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: They'll stir things up, they'll create conflict in order to get their emotional need for connection met.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And often this protest behavior really has nothing to do with the real need that's going unmet.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: For example, you have an argument over who does the dishes, but really that may be due to an underlying need of the anxiously attached partner to feel tendered, to feel cared for, to feel supported in the relationship.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And this type of protest behavior, this behavior can actually escalate in separation through separation and divorce, unnecessarily dragging things out, escalating discussions or arguments with the anxious person trying to get their emotional needs met.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: They want to be feared, they want to feel heard, met, seen, validated.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: So they will continue the conversation to try and get these needs met.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Often with anxiously attached individuals, they will have an intense emotional reaction to the ending of a relationship.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Their well-being, their own sense of worth is heavily reliant on being in this relationship.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Their attachment system is activated by feelings of abandonment and rejection.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: So they have real difficulty staying calm, feeling safe when they are actually losing this relationship.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: They're losing this person, they're losing the source of their reassurance and their emotional safety in a partner.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: So they have this intense negative emotional reaction when a relationship's when when a relationship ends.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: They experience intense pain, often longing for their partner, as I said, often reconnecting, reaching out for contact.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Their feelings of abandonment and rejection activate their attachment system, especially if they were not the one to initiate the breakup.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um they'll often attempt to restore those feelings of safety and emotional security after the after a breakup and attempt to get back together with their ex.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: They had that strong urge to get back with their ex because that's where it feels safe.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's why they feel emotionally safe.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: If someone with an anxious attachment style feels the breakup was unwarranted, or they actually initiated the breakup, they may then look for or create ways to reconnect, reunite, get back together.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: They may in fact even change themselves, pretzel themselves into some different form, self-abandon to save or navigate or save or re-ignite the relationship.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: They will change themselves, chameleon themselves into something that they're not, into something that they think their partner, ex-partner wants.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes that leads to cycles of breaking up, making up, breaking up, making up.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: All of this can lead to a protracted grief when a relationship ends and it hampers or reduces the ability to move on and establish a new secure relationship without without support.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: So if you recognize any of this in yourself, I would really encourage you to reach out and look for support, whether that is with me or a therapist, to unpack what's underneath your attachment style and how you can heal it and move towards a more secure style of being in relationship with other humans before you head out into the dating scene.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Next, let's talk about dismissive avoidant attachment style in adulthood and through separation through divorce.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone with an avoidant attachment style has difficulty accepting intimacy.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: So in adulthood, a dismissive avoidant attachment style is characterized by a belief in self-sufficiency and independence, a high opinion of self and a lower opinion of others.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: They can come across as selfish or uncaring, but the reality is they're simply often oblivious to bids for attention or connection from others.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're so unused to being in tune with or focused on anyone else, anyone else's wants or needs or emotional needs that they just miss the cues.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: As children, they didn't learn healthy ways of being attuned to another, healthy interdependence, so they simply don't know how to engage in this way.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it feels very threatening to them to become emotionally close, to allow themselves to accept intimacy.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: It is very common for dismissive avoidant partners to view their partner as asking too much or being too needy, demanding that the emotional needs of their partner are, as I said, a threat to independence, unwelcome, unnecessary, and this is exacerbated through separation, divorce.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: So they are likely to accuse their ex-partner of being too needy, asking too much, wanting too much.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: If they feel you, as a partner are getting too close emotionally, they may sabotage the relationship, go silent, use anything they can to create more distance between the two of you because it feels emotionally very vulnerable for them to, as I said earlier, accept intimacy.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: So they will push it away, dismiss it, they will block it.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: And again, this can be really emphasized during separation divorce, particularly if they were not the one to initiate the separation.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: They will block, they will defend, they will stonewall, they will not want to engage.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to support you.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: And now back to this week's episode.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Dismissive avoidants often have an outwardly quite high opinion of themselves and a relatively low opinion of others, including their partner, including their ex-partner.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: So they'll often blame their partner for causing all the drama in a relationship.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: As I said earlier, accuse them of being needy or too much, and again, that will flare up through separation, divorce negotiations.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: They do very much value a peaceful, calm life and relationship, and so any relationship will quickly lose attraction, they'll become disengaged or disinterested and leave if the if things become too emotionally charged or the relationship becomes strained, they are likely to walk away.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone with an avoidant attachment style is uncomfortable being too close to others emotionally and often find it really difficult to depend on someone else.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: They value, remember, they value independence above almost anything else.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: So when someone gets too close, they tend to employ their deactivating strategies or behaviors to squash the intimacy and disengage from their partners, and this is really exacerbated through that that withdrawal, that shutting down, that dismissing is going to be flared up through separation and divorce because it's highly emotional, right?
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: They view themselves as more rational than other emotionally expressive people, partners, ex-partners, and often blame their partner for the conflict, then withdraw and refuse to engage, as I said, in emotional topics.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: So it undermines the relationship, but it can also undermine and block effective negotiation, mediation through separation, divorce.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: They'll often avoid the other party, the other person, their ex, and any of the work needed for the progress of that mediation negotiation, and they tend to isolate themselves and use numbing strategies.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: These are all generalizations, right?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: So bear in mind that it's broad brush generalization.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: But in general, avoidant attachers are more likely to initiate a breakup than, say, an anxiously attached person.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they prefer to keep their relationships on a surface level, they avoid confrontation and tend to repress, avoid expressing intense emotions both during the relationship and through a breakup through divorce.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: They feel the pain of the breakup, but they push it down and carry on life as normal.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, they tend to behave as if they have a high opinion of themselves and a low opinion of others, which can inhibit that deep and honest reflection on their contribution to the relationship breakdown.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: They often view their ex-partner negatively and convince themselves that it was all the ex-person the other person's fault.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the breakup was justified, and they're highly unlikely to attempt to re-establish a relationship after a breakup, regardless of whether they feel regret or sadness about it.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: The key with divorcing somebody who has an avoidant attachment style is understanding that they will shut down, block, they'll be unwilling to engage in any interaction where you are highly activated or highly emotional.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: So if this is your situation, it is in your best interests in terms of moving through the negotiation mediation phase of your separation divorce to learn to self-regulate, dial down your emotions, and deal with this person in a very business like fashion.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: Keep your emotions in check because it your high emotion will activate them, they will tip into dismissive behaviour that is not conducive to moving things forward.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: And lastly, the fearful avoidant.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: Fearful avoidant attachment style shows a mixture of the anxious and the avoidant behaviors.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: They really desire closeness but terribly afraid of being hurt.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: They can be highly volatile emotionally.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: Fearful avoidance really struggle to regulate their emotions, to self-soothe, to calm their nervous system, both in relationship and of course through the highly emotional, stressful event that is separation, divorce.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: While they do seek out partnerships, intimacy, and relationship with others, they're actually activated or triggered by any sort of emotional closeness, emotional.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Intimacy or vulnerability once they're in a relationship.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so this can lead to fiery, drama-filled, high conflict, hot, cold, on-off relationships with that repetitive cycle where they might open up emotionally, seek a deeper connection, but they're panic and shut down, retreat, and disconnect.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Dissociation is common, as is hyper-vigilance, to anything they feel is a threat or a danger.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, this attachment style has its roots in deep neglect and often abuse.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: Control is important to anyone with a fearful, avoidant attachment style.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Feeling safe so that they can actually come across as rigid or inflexible, and they actually often are very rigid, very inflexible.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: And this shows up not only in relationships but as you navigate out of a relationship.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: They use control to keep themselves emotionally regulated and emotionally safe.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are separating or divorcing from someone with this attachment style, bear that in mind.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it is in your best interest if you're negotiating or mediating with someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style to make sure they feel emotionally safe, to make sure they have an element or feel like they have some control.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's super common for someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style to feel chronically guilty, to feel deep shame, not enoughness, not good enough, inadequacy.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so controlling their situations can be about offsetting these feelings.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: They might not even realize or recognize that that's what they feel and that's what they're doing.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: They may channel their focus or energy into something that they can succeed and be good at and control, which demonstrates to them and to others that they are in fact worthy.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: Now, during a breakup or divorce, someone with a fearful, avoidant attachment style experiences intense emotional conflict, feeling torn between the fear of abandonment and the fear of intimacy.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, that's the same in a relationship.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: They they fear abandonment, they fear intimacy, and so it's that dance, which is why it's often a hot, cold, on-off relationship, and that will be exacerbated through the stress that is a separation and divorce.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: They may alternate in relationships seeking closeness and pushing their partner away, and again, through separation and divorce, they may seek out connection and step into conversations or communication only to suddenly retreat.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: So be on again, off again.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: They do display heightened anxiety and distress and really struggle to cope with the end of a relationship.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: They do have trouble trusting others, leading to suspicion and paranoia, and that can show up really strongly through separation and divorce.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're very suspicious about motives, they're paranoid about you know motives, I suppose, and also things like are you hiding assets?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Are you do you have a double life?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Is there another person?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: So all of that can really fire up for these people who are fearfully avoidant in their attachment style through separation and divorce.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: They can also engage in self-sabotaging behaviours, both clinging really tightly to a partner and rejecting them.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that again, it's that dance of they want intimacy but fear it, they so they push it away.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: In terms of coping mechanisms through separation, divorce, and beyond, those with a fearful, avoidant attachment style do tend to isolate themselves, avoid dealing with the breakup.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: They often take on that victim mentality.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's all happening to me, even though they want control because that's the way they feel safe, they believe they don't have any.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: So they take on, as I said, that victim mentality and tend to wallow a little in victimhood.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: Often turn to unhealthy coping strategies, substance abuse, or even um risk, high risk-taking behaviour.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: So that's a little overview of how the positives and the not so positives of each of the attachment styles, and how our behaviour through not only relationship but through separation and divorce is informed by what we learn as children in terms of love being met, our needs, having our needs met, having our emotional needs met.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: So attachment style, understanding yours and also really understanding and appreciating your ex-partners as you navigate a separation and divorce can really help keep you on track to moving things forward.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully, by understanding your own attachment style and that of anyone that you're in a relationship with or exiting a relationship, dissolving a relationship with, you can see how unconscious behaviours, unconscious patterns might have affected not only your relationship, but also how you behave, feel, react, respond through a breakup, separation, divorce, and even reorganizing your life afterwards.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's it goes for you, and the same can be said for your ex.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you understand what's driving their behavior, it's really useful.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you know what they need to feel emotionally safe, you can help create that safety so that you can effectively negotiate, communicate, discuss, mediate, and get to an agreement, a settlement, even co-parent with them afterwards.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: It can be made much easier by understanding their attachment style and therefore some of the why behind certain behaviours.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, this can be a game changer.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't necessarily make things automatically instantly easier, but with the insight of understanding attachment styles, you can be a little more accepting or at least understand the drivers, the reasons beneath and behind the behaviour.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: The reasons why this person is behaving like this is their way of creating emotional safety for themselves, not necessarily or not only to make life harder for all of you.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: It can be incredibly freeing and useful to accept that what you thought, or what seems like intentional behaviour, is actually being deeply influenced by underlying beliefs and things that happened to us as children, beliefs we formed as children, understandings that we came to as children, and which really have been beyond our control.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: For all of us, for all of us, understanding attachment style gives insight and therefore, and insight I guess gives us an opportunity to choose differently.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_01: Insight gives us an opportunity to grow into a different way of behaving.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: And if this is something you'd like more support on, more support to understand and to heal your attachment style to shift and change it, let's chat.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: There's a link to book an intro call with me in the show notes as always.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to remind you be kind to yourself, understand that your attachment style is not bad, it's not a weakness, it's not a flaw, it's also not set in stone.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: It is a reflection of all the life experiences, all the relationships you've been a part of or that have been a part of your life up until now.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: But by acknowledging how your early relationship influences your current ones, how what we learned as children and learned through relationships as younger people influences how we show up in our current relationships, you can start to change these patterns and build healthier, more secure relationships in the future.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Again, if you recognize yourself in some of these less than healthy behaviors and you want support, reach out to me, reach out to your GP, reach out to your therapist.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: Your attachment style is not set in stone, but it really does impact how we show up and the relationships that we create for ourselves.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_01: As always, thank you for being here.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you've gained something out of this little mini series on attachment styles.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this, and yes, that might be your ex-partner or your current partner.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: Please feel free to share the episode with them.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: Also, that doesn't make us a failure or wrong or bad.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_01: Even if we think we have stable relationships, there might be patterns in our behavior that keep popping up or that we can recognize from perhaps some of the other attachment styles that are impacting our capacity to form emotionally safe, strong relationships.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so this really is just an invitation to explore your attachment style.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're in partnership, you're partners.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not in partnership or you're navigating your way out of a partnership, it can also be healthy and worthwhile looking at past interactions, past patterns, and trying to recognize how that has impacted who you choose and how you relate when in relationship.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: We tend to choose someone that we emotionally or you know, on a cellular sort of level, we know how to be in relationship with, and shining a light on your attachment style can help you look at that, help you recognize that now.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: Aha, that is why I choose that.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_01: That is why I have a pattern in invertic commas.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I hope this is useful.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, next episode I'm going to record and release on attachment styles and attachment theory is about how it impacts when we end a relationship and how our knowing our attachment style and knowing the attachment style of the other person that we're exiting a relationship with from can help you to navigate, negotiate, and move forward.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: As always, thank you for being here.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: If you found this useful, please rate, review, share the share the podcast.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: It helps us get it into the ears of more people just like you who need to hear this stuff.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks again for being here.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_01: Until then.