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The Art of Giving and Receiving Feedback · Business for Humans

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I'm Jamie Gennaro, business coach, consultant, and founder of Practica Consulting.
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In today's episode of Business for Humans, I dive into the art of receiving feedback,
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how to stay open without getting defensive, what to actually take on board,
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and how to use feedback as a tool for growth without letting it define who you are. Enjoy. way.
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I want to talk today about feedback. I have talked in the past about giving feedback,
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and why it's a gift, but I want to talk about receiving feedback because I think
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when you can receive feedback,
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in a certain way, it also gives you a lot of insight into how other people are
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receiving feedback so that you can modify the way you give feedback.
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To be more effective.
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So let's talk about receiving feedback. Number one, and we know this when we
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give feedback, feedback is not personal.
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It's not about the person's personality. It's not about who they are or their character.
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It's about whether or not they're performing in a way that is aligned with their job description.
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So if their job description says they should be working on a specific task and
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they're not working on that task,
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you want to make sure that there's feedback that aligns them to those tasks
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and responsibilities as were outlined in their job description.
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And I'm going to pause there because if you don't have a job description or
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the people working for you don't have job descriptions, it may not seem like an important thing,
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but trust me, it is one of the main factors of whether people are performing or not performing.
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And when there's confusion and chaos around process and who's responsible for
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what and who owns what and where you can delegate.
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If you don't have rules and responsibilities clearly defined,
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you're going to already be at a deficit when you're providing feedback because
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they won't have a frame of reference.
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So if you don't have that, go back and do that because you want to make sure
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you're starting off from a strong foundation where both parties understand the expectations.
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You can't really provide feedback to someone if they haven't already understood
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the expectations of their role and what they're supposed to be doing.
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So number one, start there.
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That's just pure clarity. And as a manager, it's your job to establish that
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clarity for someone so they understand what's theirs, essentially. And.
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What is theirs to drive forward. Role clarity, super key.
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Okay, so number one, separating the personal from the professional will help
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you receive the feedback in a way where you're not going to immediately be on the defensive.
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So make sure that you go into to an annual review or a feedback session clear.
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And that means don't go in there with some resentment or defensiveness off the
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bat. Just go in there open.
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There's no need to do anything in the moment. You can always receive the feedback and then take it away,
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marinate on it, and then come back with a response 100% appropriate and I would say,
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it's better even to set yourself up in that way first you could even tell your
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manager listen my my goal of today's meeting is just to receive the feedback
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and then if you're okay with it I'd like to take that feedback away and then
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come back and maybe schedule a second meeting with you to talk it through more
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this just sets you up already.
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Knowing that you're just in a receiving mode you don't have to push up against
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anything or defend against anything
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you're going to allow yourself the space to just receive it even if you don't
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love it even if you don't think it really fits you can just take it,
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take it away give yourself that time when you're not stressed when you're not
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in kind of a fight or flight moment you can take it away, marinate on it, and then bring it back.
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And even if it's really great feedback, I would also consider doing that too,
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because things just might come
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up for you that maybe that's feedback that you'd like to present back.
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Maybe you'd like to manage up a little bit and provide feedback to your manager
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after receiving feedback.
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So separate the professional and the personal, go into a feedback session open.
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If you're being caught off guard and someone calls you back to the back room,
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which used to happen to me frequently, we had like the executive meeting room.
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And if you got called back there, you were definitely not getting good feedback.
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So I just remember I would be in fight or flight, like you're getting called
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back to the principal's office, essentially, and I would just take a breather
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before I got up from my desk.
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Ground myself, center myself, not make up some story in my head about what this
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could be about, and just, I'm going to go in there open, I can receive the feedback,
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and then I can always come back and let them know, I'm going to come back to you.
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So that's important going in. And then depending on where the feedback's coming
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from, if the feedback's coming from a client or a boss or a coworker, it's also important to,
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receive it,
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and then decide what you want to land and what you might want to put to the side.
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And this isn't in any defensive way, but we all know when we get feedback and
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we're not, if we're not in defense mode, if we're even in a conversation,
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a tough conversation with a close friend or our,
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partner, our spouse,
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if we are in that receiving mode, we won't automatically jump on them and become defensive.
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But what we can do afterwards is decide what really is the work for us to do.
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You can't do this if you're a narcissist.
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So you're not even here if you're a narcissist. But if you're somebody who's
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self-reflective, I would say sometimes we take it all in and we decide what
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it means about us and we let it define us.
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We don't need to do that with feedback.
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And what I would also encourage that you do as you're in that receiving mode
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is repeat the feedback back to the person.
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Because what happens often is somebody will say, you're doing great.
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I'd like to see you tweak this small thing.
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And then I think that by tweaking that small thing, you're going to see a shift.
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And what we hear is that small thing is the most important thing that you do.
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You haven't been doing it well. You need to change everything because you're not good at this.
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So I also think it's important that in that receiving mode, if you're already
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ready to be open and receiving. You can say at the end, okay,
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let me just repeat this back to you. This is the feedback that I heard.
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Super respectful to the other person also because it really shows that you're listening.
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You're not already trying to combat or defend the feedback. You're like, here's what I heard.
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It's such a strong place to be because you're not reacting emotionally.
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You're not defending yourself you're just like okay here's the feedback i heard
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that doesn't mean that you have to let any of that feedback define you but in our deep we always know,
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what is the truth and what it is that we need to work on so if there's feedback
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that maybe it's painful because you know it's true when you take it away let that feedback land,
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and if there's feedback where you're like, I don't really think that fits me
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or that it's appropriate feedback, you put it to the side.
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And you can 100% have a second conversation with them about whichever parts
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of those things feel appropriate without defending.
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So let me give you an example.
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I worked at an advertising agency where I managed a team of 15 people.
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And one of the pieces of feedback I received was, you are too nurturing with your team.
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And the extension of that was you are so concerned with advocating for them
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all the time that if they miss the mark on something, you take full responsibility for it.
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And at the time, I was like, well, yeah, it's appropriate. Like,
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I'm their boss. You're my boss. If they're missing the mark,
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ultimately it lands on me.
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Even now, I don't necessarily think that's exactly wrong.
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But because I am who I am and I take a lot on and I work really hard and I burn
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myself out the fact that I was also taking on their stuff,
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definitely I could see that weighing me down and I did appreciate that piece
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of feedback for sure I was,
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conscious of it afterwards I was thinking about it but I was also deciding in
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each scenario is this a moment where it is appropriate for me to take responsibility?
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Or is this one of those moments where I need to really put it on my team?
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So again, I wasn't taking it all as like a universal truth, but I also wanted
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to be open and receptive to it and see where it was appropriate to integrate it.
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And then also be open to the fact that like in this moment, it doesn't feel
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quite right to shift the way I work. It doesn't feel right.
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Then the nurturing part, I did not let that piece of feedback land. And I'll tell you why.
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My manager who was providing that feedback was the opposite of nurturing.
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And I'm not judging or saying one's better, one's not better.
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But if we're looking at management style and the results that a manager is ultimately
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hoping to get from their team.
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So what are you hoping to get as a manager? You're hoping to get a team who
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is, I would say, loyal, who wants to stay in the job,
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people who feel like you have their back and that you want them to succeed.
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Ultimately they need to know that you want them to succeed and then that will
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make them want to succeed they also have to know that if they make a mistake there's room for growth
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and they're not immediately going to be disciplined because otherwise you're
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not going to try new things or take new risks if you feel like there's no room
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for that you're just going to get disciplined.
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There's no growth in that. That's not a growth mindset. So as a manager,
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you want people who are trying new things, thinking outside of the box, not afraid to fail.
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And then you also want to see that team perform. You want to see them create
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efficiencies, which sometimes might be thinking outside of the box, creating new process.
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You want to give them enough space where they are driving things forward without
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needing to check with you all the time. That's very inefficient.
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And ultimately, like for me, my personal hope for my team was that they would
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continue to step up, that I could present opportunities for them,
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seeing where their skill sets were.
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And then that would give them an opportunity to continue upping the game for
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themselves, moving towards a promotion and really like moving up in their career.
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If I look at the people that I managed in this particular role, I would say that,
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I mean, this is quite a few years after the fact, but I would say I've watched
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them, even post working with me, continually to elevate themselves and move
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into these higher levels.
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And I'm not saying that's because of me, but it is setting a foundation for
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people where when they have the permission to do that, they're more willing
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to take that permission on with them in their future career.
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That is strong management. For me, the nurturing part comes in when you sit
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down with someone, they know that you're listening, they know that you,
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want success for them, and so they feel.
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That nurturing sentiment.
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They feel your empathy, they feel your sympathy, but they also know that that
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you are going to push them,
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just enough to get them over whatever hurdles are in their way,
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because some of them are self-created.
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And there is a nurturing aspect to that. I couldn't just be a militant,
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do this, do this, do this, because what I know as a manager and as a coach,
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there's always an undercurrent that you cannot ignore.
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So if someone is super strong, but they're continually underperforming or they're
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missing meetings or they're missing deadlines, there might be something else going on.
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And it's really important to recognize there might be something else going on.
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And maybe they're afraid to take leave because they think all the things that
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we think when we take leave.
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And if they just had a nurturing, encouraging manager who saw them,
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then that might be enough for the manager to say, listen, you are a high performer.
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I'm seeing you burning out. I think you should take a couple weeks off.
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It's fine. I've got your back. I've got you covered.
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That feels really important as a manager.
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Ultimately, I want to have people's backs. I want them to know that it's kind
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of not that dissimilar from parenting. It's like, I want you to go off and do
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your own thing and do it your way. I don't want you to do things my way.
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But also, if I'm seeing something, I'm going to call it to your attention and
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see if we can work through it. I'm not just going to ignore it and pretend like
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there isn't a world that exists outside of this office space.
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So I always felt like that nurturing bit was why I had teams that never left.
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I had high retention. I've always had high retention. I even have high retention as a coach.
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People stay working with me, partially because I think they're getting a level
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of encouragement they might not be getting in a lot of their other domains. And it's not bullshit.
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It's not bullshit encouragement. It's that when I see skills and gifts that
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people have, I want them to feel the power of their own potential.
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And you need to kind of pull on threads and really encourage that in people.
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And I find that one of my secrets.
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Sauces. It's like one of my secret ingredients is I think I do that part really
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well. And it builds trust with people. People know I'm not BSing them.
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They know where it's coming from. And they also know like I am a consummate
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professional and I'm not just blowing smoke.
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I don't need people to just like me. I'm not doing it for that.
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I'm doing it because I genuinely see a gift or a talent that's not being,
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you know, utilized to its full potential.
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That piece of feedback didn't land. And I didn't push back and I didn't go into
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some kind of defensive mode.
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I just kind of was open, receptive, checked in with myself like,
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okay, is it a problem? Like, is this nurturing thing a problem?
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I didn't specifically ask my team, but in all the one-on-ones after that.
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I didn't want to modify the way
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I was doing one-on-ones because it was working, but I was kind of aware.
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I was looking at it objectively. Am I being too nurturing? Is it not moving
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my team forward in the way that I would hope that I'm moving them forward?
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I was not dismissing it, but I didn't let it land because it didn't feel right.
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But I think if you want to be effective in your job, you also have to believe
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into what you think makes you effective and you don't want to always lose that.
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I think this was the thing that made me so effective and so good at my job and
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I just couldn't let that, I couldn't let that feedback land.
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So there's a thing with feedback where, you know, if we're, again,
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if we're very self-aware people and we are worried about what people think of us.
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We can take it all in and make it mean who we are.
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Like, there's something wrong with me. I could have taken that feedback,
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like, there's something wrong with me. I'm too nurturing. I need to stop being nurturing.
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And it would have turned off a really important part of myself.
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And I think it's also okay to not take every piece of feedback as gospel. Be aware.
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Be curious. Be open to where this could, you know, change the way you work in a positive way.
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Where there are some learnings for you that you have to be real about.
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Don't brush it all off. But if there's something that doesn't feel quite right,
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you don't have to let it land.
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You don't have to take it as gospel. You don't have to push back.
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There might be a moment if you take it away and you think about it and marinate
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on it and you want to provide feedback, you could bring it back.
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Once you've had some time and space to think about it, to articulate your thoughts
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about it, you could come back and say, listen, I really, I appreciate the feedback.
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I take it in and I'm being, I'm curious about it. I'm seeing where I could apply
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it. But ultimately, I do think this is a skill that is the reason why my team is staying.
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And I think my team, they're top performers, and nobody would question that.
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100%, my team were the top performers at the agency.
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And because I knew that they could see the effectiveness of this team and what
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I was able to do with this team and how we were able to kind of move things
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through the agency in a more efficient way because of the way we all worked.
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I don't think there would be any argument against that. And in fact,
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the conversation might have been a nice way for her to understand where being
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nurturing might actually have benefited her management style.
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So I could be curious about it and conscious of maybe I'm going overboard, maybe this is too much.
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So in that way, the curiosity and the openness is going to make me better.
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But it doesn't always make you better when you let it land and you make it about you
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and your personality and you spin it into something that is not a positive,
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all feedback is there to help you grow, to help you be better at your job.
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But it doesn't have to define who you are or mean that you're doing something wrong.
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And also, if it doesn't feel like it aligns with your values or who you are,
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it's also okay to kind of just park it.
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Maybe make it a discussion point later. But you don't have to take it all in.
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And I do think that's really important because I think if you're insecure or
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you're not feeling confident about your role and you get a piece of feedback,
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sometimes it can be enough to really crush you.
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So it's important to know who it's coming from. Are they a trusted source?
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Because if they're not, that's okay too. Like you don't have to take it all.
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And if they're kind of someone who you're like, I don't really see that the
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way they're doing it is better, right?
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I'm not sure that they're getting the results that I'm getting from the work
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that I'm doing, it's okay to kind of balance and equalize those things too.
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If I'm providing feedback to someone and I'm doing it in a way because I want
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them to grow and I want them to really move into their full potential,
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so I have to give them this feedback.
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It's really kind to give them this feedback so that they can grow and kind of step over this hurdle.
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And if there's a piece of that feedback that they're like, that just doesn't
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quite align with my values or the way I really want to do this work,
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and it was an open conversation, I would welcome that.
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So again, always look at this from the other side, the other side of the desk.
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So don't think that if you're parking a piece of feedback and then bringing
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it back for discussion, that that also means something bad.
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Because if you're on the other side of the table, if all of this is just an open.
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Conversation about curiosity and growth, there's no reason why the person providing
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the feedback wouldn't be open to understanding where you're coming from and
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why that piece of feedback didn't quite land.
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It's not about you. It's not about your personality. There's someone objectively
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watching the way you work. Okay, this is about the way you work.
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And they're providing you feedback as a gift so that when you move on from this
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company, you can also take that in and work on it and potentially step into
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a different space than you would have if you didn't receive the feedback.
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It's also nice to know where you stand with your manager so that you're not
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just running around in a hamster wheel like, is this what I'm supposed to be doing?
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So those feedback points are really key. And if you're not receiving feedback, I would ask for it.
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I would set an established meeting on the calendar to say, I'd love feedback, you know, in two weeks.
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Not right now. It's not really fair to be like, can you give me feedback right this second?
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Like, they might have some tough feedback to provide and they need some time to prepare for that.
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So, you know, put a meeting out in the future a ways, but definitely make sure
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that if you're not getting regular feedback that you're putting that on the
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calendar and vice versa.
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If you're a manager, make sure that you're providing that feedback at consistent
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points and then be open to the conversation.
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I hope that was helpful. Some of you are doing annual reviews,
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so this can be a helpful tool to use as you're preparing for annual reviews,
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either receiving or giving.
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And if you need help or your team needs help with annual reviews,
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it's something that I really love working on with teams because I do think it's such a critical moment.
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And to be able to put the time and effort and thought into annual reviews,
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because the thing as an employee that is the most discouraging is when your,
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manager doesn't prepare.
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Or you can tell It's super last minute.
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It just is not respectful of the work that you've been doing.
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So remember that these feedback points deserve time and thought so that you
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can deliver the information in a way that's going to be most effective.
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So I hope this was helpful. A little bit of a departure
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from some of the topics I've been focusing on lately, but I do think that this
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feedback piece is critical and it's one of the main ways that you can really step into,
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your leadership role either as an employee receiving the feedback like a leader
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or as a manager providing feedback as a leader it is a skill and it's worth putting time into,
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so i'm gonna leave it there and i will talk to you next week.