Latest / Reality TV Cringe / 146: The Valley Recap - Capri Chaos (S1 E4)

Transcript

146: The Valley Recap - Capri Chaos (S1 E4) · Reality TV Cringe

0:09
Hello, and welcome to Reality TV Cringe. I am one of your hosts,
0:15
Delia the redhead with so much beauty coming right at you, and a
0:19
fat cat here with my real tight homegirl and my daughter in lat Razor Blade
0:24
also known as Beatrice. Hey, everybody, super gorgeous. They looking great,
0:30
body Addie Audie working out at the Planet Fitness girl, get you on.
0:37
I'm working on fitness. Pizza in my mouth. My god, the
0:43
amount of food I have cooked since my husband went to hell Sinki. She's
0:46
making homemade yoki cake cake, homemade sauces for theoki with heavy whipping cream,
0:52
and it was good Italian sausage. Yeah, Pecorino, you drove it to
0:57
us, which you never drive, because I was gonna eat the whole fucking
1:00
thing and it was so decadent. I'm like, get this out of my
1:02
sight. And then the very next night, I made like this huge pot
1:06
of macaroni and cheese with hamburger and chili and green peppers and onions and pimentos
1:11
and just like I am such a fat ass. And then I made a
1:15
cake, and then I gave you the cake that I had left, and
1:19
I'm like, let me make another cake. Oh my god, I've just
1:22
been eating this entire week. Sounds great. Why because I'm worried about the
1:26
eclipse because you said there was some sort of a double skate and it was
1:30
like in conjunction with some other thing that was happening, like mercury gatorade.
1:34
And I'm like, oh my god, maybe the Raptor's gonna happen. So
1:37
who the fuck cares how much away, I'm gonna eat all this cake before
1:40
you die, and then we don't die. So now you're just fat.
1:42
Now I'm just I'm fatterid on my quest for obesity, I am winning.
1:49
Well, maybe we can get on my sixtrd pound life. Oh, I
1:53
mean goals and we can eat. Doctor. Now you have to have a
1:56
goal. I'm the person in the family. If anybody's gonna do it,
2:00
it's gonna be me. I'm gonna be falling off the back of a golf
2:04
cart coming soon to a town near you. But like, weren't you all
2:07
worried about that with your little pea brain about like Jesus is cubby because the
2:13
eclipse is going through all of these founts with the name Carthage, And I
2:17
was just telling you what all the boomers on Facebook were talking about scared.
2:21
No, I was like, you were concerned. I'm like, they're doing
2:23
something. There's like some crazy stuff. Cern turned on again. So people
2:28
were talking about the timeline switching. Sarin hasn't turned off, it's an institute.
2:31
No, they do turn it off. They turn off the large Hadron
2:34
collider. Well, the collider, Yeah that's what I'm saying. No,
2:37
yeah, they turned on the collider on the on the eclipse mention. So
2:44
you were worried about it. You're like, Jesus is going to walk on
2:46
through a dimension. Either Jesus is coming or there's like, girl, I
2:51
don't know, I don't know what's going on. Kill me. I'm just
2:54
in the conspiracy. I was like that too when I was young. It's
2:58
interesting. I was very concerned. Learned about the rapture and the seven years
3:02
of Tribulation and Skain, Heaven's Gate and all the caulties and stuff. I
3:07
was super turned onto that. Yeah. Now at this age, I'm just
3:09
like, You're like, there's nothing new under the sun. Yeah, after
3:14
this thing, there's going to be another thing. Jesus's be coming for two
3:16
thousand years. Maybe he comes back. Maybe he lives inside of you,
3:21
Beatrice. Maybe he's inside of your heart, that's what I think. I
3:23
can't see him the way you are in there. He's got little corner in
3:29
there. Yeah, he's hanging out where Jesus lives. Now, if we
3:32
could all just act like it, fucking demons on this planet for real.
3:37
I did pray during the eclipse, good, like some fucking skyclad naked witch
3:44
during a ritual, which I was not. It was just me and my
3:46
English massive Yeah, praying for the downfall of the oligarchs, yes, for
3:52
real, dissolution of the one percent and peace on earth of course, of
3:54
course, with all the love and light in my heart? Will you ruin
3:57
this an angel of revenge? Yes, an avenging angel, if you will,
4:02
Will you come and get rid of all of the oligarchs in the one
4:05
percent? And can there be peace on earthing? And they? Can everybody
4:08
have food? Please? Is that so hard? Is that really so hard?
4:11
Is there a portal that'll give us some food for everybody? Please?
4:14
That's what I've been doing this week, good eating cake, Yeah, making
4:17
all that food for yourself. There's a portal for food in muslamach honey,
4:21
yes, bitch By way of my mouth. Anyway, the eclipse was cool.
4:26
Yeah, it was pretty cool. I didn't know what I didn't know,
4:31
like what the totality was, which I hate to admit because I consider
4:34
myself to be very intelligent obviously, Yeah, super smart galaxy brain. Nonetheless,
4:41
I didn't know that maybe people were looking for a ring around the moon
4:46
and so it's watching it and stuff. I'm like, this is cool,
4:47
but I'm bored. Oh my god, I'm bored. I literally walked away
4:53
before any totality. Not that we got it here where we live. We
4:57
got ninety nine percent. God, such a ding dog? Is that what?
5:00
People are super interested? Yes, I didn't know that's why people were
5:03
traveling. Ever heard of it? Yeah, for totality, because it's the
5:06
last time we're going to see that in the United States for twenty years.
5:11
Yeah. Janelle Brown went to Arkansas, yeah, to see it with I
5:14
get Think Hunter and Logan, Yeah, which was really sweet. Yeah,
5:16
and I think they saw it. And then your friend Athel she sent a
5:18
picture of the totality and like, what, I didn't even know that was
5:23
possible. My god. Yeah, She's like I could see it without my
5:26
glasses for like a whole minute because it was totality. You mean you can
5:30
look at it without those little oh when it's percent totality, you can't.
5:35
But not for us. I've been on this planet. This is my sixth
5:39
decade on this planet, and I had no idea. Listen, you have
5:42
your moments. I can't fucking be ursed. I ain't got that kind of
5:46
band wid your husband's and Helsinki. I do miss him. Yeah, I
5:51
gotta make ca. Yeah, I got ship. Well he's coming back,
5:55
and you'll you'll welcome him back? Yes, I will, most definitely.
5:58
Okay, enough of my JIPI job. Let's get into the episode. But
6:02
before we do, I have to remind everybody, please, would you hide
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your wife and hide your kids? This is a politically incorrect podcast. We
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6:15
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7:00
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7:03
Please do not forget to like and comment and share and subscribe. Everything you
7:10
do really helps us to grow in the algorithm and in the dumpster. Yeah,
7:15
so thank you and advance. Thank you. All right, let's get
7:17
into this trash can trash buyer of an episode of The Valley Girl. Things
7:23
are heating up in the Valley a little bit. Yeah, I think some
7:26
things are lurking behind the scenes, and I hope we get to see it.
7:29
Yeah, fall out. But well, but before we do, what
7:31
do you have any takeaways some primary thoughts? Have you been ruminating on something
7:36
that happened on the Valley. I'm starting to like Luke a little bit more.
7:42
I think he's like a stand up guy. He's not meant for la
7:46
I think he don't want to be there. No, I think he's good
7:47
for Kristin. I'm kind of liking Kristin a little bit. I know people
7:50
hate her and stuff or whatever, but like, I'm kind of feeling for
7:55
her. Everybody's still going off on her, and I'm like, can we
7:57
just like chill? Why are we all like dog piling on h It's very
8:03
terrible. Yeah, I'm not liking it. I don't like it either.
8:05
My main thought, end or question is why Michelle thinks because she's Iranian and
8:13
Mexican she can't be racist. I mean, is that what like you're actually
8:16
saying? Yeah? And I don't want to get into like a whole conversation
8:20
or politics or anything like that, but I'm like, who do you think
8:22
you are? You don't think you can be a bigot? And why isn't
8:26
anybody actually talking about the shit that she did say, which is that don't
8:30
say gay bill, like the things that she said that cause the conversation that
8:35
Janet instigated. Why aren't we actually talking about that versus dragging Kristen for saying
8:41
something that she shouldn't have said, but that she heard right. That doesn't
8:45
make any sense to me. Yep, So I'm just gonna call that out
8:46
at the top. Yeah, I agree with you, Okay. I think
8:50
it's hypocritical, and I think that Michelle's probably a closet Republican or like probably
8:54
right leading, Yeah, I think. And I don't want to judge her
8:58
for that. No, I don't care, but I want to judge her
9:03
with that. But I'm just like, what, what makes you think that
9:05
you are somehow precluded from being a bad person because of like the race,
9:13
right of your parents? Right? Agree, you're from America, right,
9:16
Yeah? Anyway, I'm just like, oh, miss me with that,
9:18
horshi, thank you very much. La bullshit. Let's get into it,
9:22
yep, let's get into it. So the start of the episode is like
9:26
the resolution conclusion of the Capri dinner, Like everybody's still going off copriy oh
9:31
what Coupri Cupri Sun dinner? Right, it's the conclusion of that, and
9:37
so everyone's still going off on Kristen. I felt really bad for her because
9:41
she's literally like apologizing over and over again. I'm sorry for repeating it like
9:46
I'm sorry for saying I didn't mean to offend anybody, and everybody's still going
9:50
off, specifically Michelle and Jesse. Like Michelle stands up and is like screaming
9:56
at Kristen, right, and I'm just like, why are we going after
9:58
Janet? Yeah, her bitches? Why because it doesn't matter that she said
10:03
it. It only matters that it was set on camera, so stupid.
10:05
Only matters that Kristin weaponized it and they were outed as being Republicans. I
10:11
guess that's the problem. So it's yeah, it's it's obvious why because they're
10:16
worried about their reputation and how other people are going to see them and whether
10:20
it's going to cost them money and their business. Pathetic. Yeah, so
10:24
stupid. And then Michelle like literally tells Kristin, I want you to pretend
10:30
like you made it up. Like Kristen's like, you want me to do
10:31
me to lie and say I didn't hear that, and she's like yees,
10:33
yeah, this is your moment. I'm like that, why would I ever
10:37
do that? What is wrong with you? Michelle? I know, I
10:39
know you're pretty and that's great, and you have a beautiful daughter. You
10:43
seem like a great mother, but what the fuck is wrong with you?
10:45
It's because she's unhappy with Jesse and so she's taking it on on everybody.
10:48
But even in her interstitial, she's sitting there like, this is it for
10:50
me and Kristin. I know I can be civil when I'm around her,
10:54
but like, we're never going to be close again. When it sounds like
10:58
Kristin has been the only person in that entire friend group that has protected her,
11:03
which I know Kristin then turns around and threatens her with But it sounds
11:07
like Kristin has been pretty good to her, although again she was a babooze
11:11
and a dummy by saying that out loud in the middle of the party on
11:15
camera. But yeah, I guess I don't like Michelle. I don't even
11:18
and I fucking hate Janet. I know I hate her. Oh, they
11:22
all see you next Tuesday. I'm not buying anything you're trying to sell,
11:24
lady, And I'm sorry if you're stressed out because you're pregnant. I guess
11:28
there haven't been any other women on the planet ever who have been pregnantly you
11:31
know, come on, if you started this shit, at least own it.
11:35
Yep, No, Janet gives me mad karencore Karen vibes, and then
11:43
Jackson his interstitial says like, I think there's an element to truth from everybody's
11:50
side on this stuff. But he says something interesting where he's like, I
11:52
think Janet and I are very similar and everybody's calling it out online and I'm
11:56
like, ooh, that's not a good thing. Not a good thing.
12:00
And then he calls her a silent killer, which is kind of reminiscent of
12:03
Erica Jane calling Lisa vander Pomp a sniper. From the side, I think
12:09
he's trying to tell everybody that Janet is not a good person and that she's
12:13
very conniving. And here she has set this entire table of fire with her
12:18
bullshit and she gets to walk away completely unscathed. My hope, in my
12:22
prayer is that as the season continues, she's going to get out it please,
12:26
and we're going to see her for exactly who she is, well even
12:30
Jack or not. Jack Zach calls it out in his interstitial where he's like,
12:35
Janet's definitely the instigator, so he's like calling it out. I'm like,
12:39
this is probably going to be a recurring thing throughout the season if they're
12:43
just starting it out like this, right, So I hope Jennet gets her
12:46
come up and for sure, yeah, me too. Yeah. And then
12:50
we have a scene after the whole copy dinner and everybody's going off on Kristen,
12:56
everybody hates her. Whatever. We have Brittany and Jack's hanging out with
13:01
their kid, Cruise, and I guess they're talking about his speech therapy.
13:05
He needs his speech therapy, right. My thought about this, Beatrice was
13:09
that it was really exploitative. And here's why. Like we were just talking
13:15
on our recap of Vender Pump rules, like how your kids are going to
13:18
go back through the records, yeah and see the things you said, watch
13:22
the things you did. And I'm like, why are we having this young
13:26
you know, three year old boy, two year old boy on camera struggling
13:31
with his speech. I just felt like we didn't really need to do all
13:33
that, Like you could have referenced that in a conversation without actually showing it.
13:39
I mean maybe that's just me as a mom, like I wouldn't be
13:43
putting my child on camera. And I'm just like they and they're just sitting
13:46
around asking dumb questions and I know they want us to believe that they're really
13:52
engaged and involved parents, but like every time we see them on social media,
13:56
every time we see them doing anything, they're like at bars, the
14:00
partying, they're going out to different events. I'm like, well, is
14:03
your mom like the sole provider to Cruise? Who's taking care of Cruz?
14:05
Because remember in that episode, I think maybe two episodes ago, Cruise gets
14:11
stuck underneath the couch. Yeah, Jacks is in some other room. He
14:13
hears him crying. He doesn't even bother to get the fuck up. It's
14:16
gotta be Mama Britney who goes in there and saves Cruise. I'm just like,
14:22
this whole thing is bad, like your marriage is bad, and which
14:26
we get to like how you're parenting. I'm like questioning what you're doing.
14:31
Yeah, and like the shit that they're saying. They're like, you know,
14:33
some people think like it's weird or abnormal when your child goes to speech
14:37
therapy, and like we're trying to not think that whatever, but I'm like,
14:39
I think deep down, you guys are embarrassed for some reason why you're
14:43
three. I know it's really gross, but like it just shows Brittany and
14:48
Jackson's character a little bit, and they're rapidity. If I may use your
14:52
word, that's not my word. It's a shallow well you always use the
14:56
good words, but yeah, they just it just shows how shallow and fucked
14:58
up they are for them to even say something like yeah, like it's kind
15:03
of weird that he's not saying things normal now and I'm like, he's fucking
15:05
three. It also shows kind of the absolute dearth of a storyline that they
15:11
have that they're willing to like throw cruise, you know, onto Front Street
15:15
and his speech therapy and the struggles that he's having time. Can we focus
15:18
on your fucked up marriage though, from the fact that y'all don't have sex
15:22
and the fact that Brittany's out here getting all of these fucked up plastic surgery
15:26
procedures so that she can somehow be attractive to you because you won't fuck her,
15:30
Like can we talk for real? For real or not? Well?
15:33
And that's like where it's weird because it's talking about speech therapy and then all
15:35
of a sudden we talk about their sex life and how Brittany and her interstitial's
15:39
like it's like maybe once or twice a year, and I'm like, oh
15:43
my god, and he's obviously getting it from somewhere else. I hope not.
15:48
I think he is, But I mean when he is at the county
15:52
Fair with the other guys and he's talking about how it used to be that
15:56
they were having sex three or four times a day, or that he needed
15:58
to have it three or four times a day. Because I'm gonna tell you
16:00
right now, there's no woman on the world that wants to have sex three
16:03
or four times. It is just not the fucking fact. But he wanted
16:07
to have it three or four times a day, and now they're having it
16:10
like he doesn't even know if they have it once a month. So I
16:14
don't even know where I was going with that. But the fact of the
16:15
matter is is that their shit is broken. Yeah, and I kind of
16:19
resent you throwing cruise out there so everyone say, look look at that instead
16:23
of taking the deeper dive into the areas that they don't want to show.
16:26
But they're not going to be able to get away with it no way.
16:30
It's already coming out. They're already trying to do that throughout this whole season,
16:33
like trying to deflect and like focus on everybody else's prochetrae yea hupp a
16:37
teer exactly. Meanwhile, Brittany doesn't even live with Jacks right now. Really,
16:42
No, she moved the fuck out. Oh, I know they're separated,
16:45
so that's like in present days she's Yeah, she does not live with
16:48
him currently. Yeah. Good. I don't think he cares. I don't
16:51
think he wants her. I don't think he thinks she's attractive. I don't
16:55
think he wants it with her. No, I think he regrets marrying her.
16:57
I think he is so ready to be back in his single life.
17:02
Yeah, with Sandval and Schwartz like a loser, I can't. And then
17:07
we have Jesse and Michelle at their house. I think they're talking about the
17:11
cup pre you dinner, right, and they're also talking about a text that
17:15
Michelle got from Kristin, Yeah, which was kind of interesting. What do
17:18
you think about the text? Well, I thought that it was a low
17:22
key threat. I think Kristin is saying, like, hey, just so
17:25
that you know, I will always keep your secrets. And even though we
17:29
fall I'm paraphrasing, even though we fall out, like there are so many
17:32
things that I know, but I'm not like that for my own mental health.
17:34
I'm not the kind of person who's just going to go tell other people
17:37
about that. I'm going to protect you still, So the under lying threat
17:42
is that I know all this shit about you, Michelle, so tread lightly
17:48
because I could tell people who you really are. Yeah, I mean,
17:52
what do you think about? Like, do you think it's fucked up that
17:55
Kristen's kind of low key threatening her? Because I'm kind of like, I
17:57
love it. I like it too. I don't like these two. I
18:00
mean, I like Michelle more than I like Jesse because he's an absolute trog
18:04
for sure. But I don't like either of them, especially how they treated
18:07
Kristin at the dinner. I thought it was de class a and fucked up.
18:11
Agreed. And then Jesse makes a weird comment to Michelle while she's talking
18:15
about Kristin, like, oh, I thought you were so fucking hot at
18:18
the Capri dinner when you stood up and you were yelling at everybody, and
18:21
and is interestitial He's like, I wish you'd do that in the bedroom.
18:25
I wish she'd I wish she'd be more physical like that in the bedroom.
18:27
We'd have six kids by now, Okay, always equating it back first of
18:32
all to sex and also to the shit that she's not doing and how she's
18:34
lacking. Yep, constantly. That's all their relationship is. I don't know
18:38
how Michelle tolerates that. She barely does. I think she hates him,
18:41
oh, totally. As they're filming now at the beginning of this season,
18:45
she's hating him one thousand percent. I'm waiting to see their divorce dump his
18:49
ass. And then we have Jason and Janet at their house and they're also
18:55
discussing the party and discussing Chris telling Michelle that she's protecting her, and Janet's
19:03
like, that's a threat, mm hmm. But she's bitter about it because
19:07
she started this whole thing and she's trying to, like I think, trying
19:11
to clean it up for herself. So yeah, and continue to hide behind
19:15
her pregnancy as if anybody gives a fuck, And Kristen even says in her
19:19
on the Couch interview, She's like, I mean, we all understand you're
19:22
pregnant and we care about that, but like, if you're gonna be out
19:26
here being a bitch, I'm gonna call you a bitch. And that's just
19:27
how it is. Yeah, and I one hundred percent agree. Yeah,
19:30
just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can't be a bitch. Jeez. And
19:33
then we have Luke and Kristin at their apartment and they're kind of talking about
19:37
how Kristen made up with Zach. So Zach, I guess admitted to Kristin,
19:44
Yeah, like Jana is the one that started it, Like we shouldn't
19:47
have like spread it around, but like they're friends again, right. I
19:49
think he's still maintaining that he never used the word racist. Yeah, that
19:53
might be the one word that Kristin like took liberties on and said when nobody
20:00
actually said that. I mean, I think the energy was there, though,
20:03
the energy of the Republican to homophobic to racist pipeline was definitely present.
20:10
Yeah, and I think Kristin extrapolated and then ultimately said the wrong thing.
20:14
But I one hundred percent believe that Zach and Jasmine and Janet were all implying
20:19
that that's the way that Michelle was. Yes, and I think you're right
20:22
that they just never expected it to be outed on camera, Like they were
20:26
all definitely talking shit and they just did, you know, let's just talk
20:32
shit. But then put a face on for the valley. But no,
20:36
we want the drama and pretend they care like it's a teachable moment. She
20:38
must got swept up in an algorithm. Okay, Janet, you hateful bitch
20:42
for real? And Zach with your hairline, I can't it was really he
20:45
never fully stands up for Kristen if he understands what he does, because they
20:52
have the conversation on Capri night, he's like, yeah, I did say
20:56
those things. I shouldn't have said that, and I'm going to ultimately apologize
20:59
to Jesse and Michelle, but like, you should have said something at the
21:02
table. Yeah, you should have stuck stuck up for Kristin. The only
21:04
person who did again was Nia. But also we saw in this episode jack
21:08
stands up and he's like, come on, guys, everybody's attacking one person.
21:11
It's cool, but it didn't help anything. Yeah, Zach's not a
21:17
good friend in short. No, he's also fake as fuck. But then
21:19
we have the guys going to the county Fair or whatever with and Danny's minivan,
21:26
and this is where like they start kind of talking about the dinner and
21:29
Jackson is like, well, yeah, it's hard for me to stand up
21:32
for Kristen when she does this stuff. And I'm like, okay, so
21:33
now you're throwing her under the bus when you were saying, of course he
21:37
is, he's a piece of shit, and you've done ten times one hundred
21:41
times worse. Yeah, what Kristen did, and you did it on purpose.
21:45
It's like, well, what kind of therapist is she? Even seeing
21:47
she needs a different therapist and really saying some foul shit about Kristen and it
21:52
was really unfortunate. I all laughing at her in the car. Yeah,
21:56
I'm really hating how it's not only just Jack's but like miss later in the
22:00
episode at the Gala dinner or whatever, calling Kristen out and being like,
22:03
you need help, you need to go to therapy. Are you guys going
22:07
to fucking therapy? Yeah? Are you doing? There's a life coach.
22:10
They don't see a therapist whatever. Who do you think you are, Michelle,
22:14
serial broken marriage and your abusive husband that you don't stand up to get
22:18
fucked for real? That we learn the real nature of your guys' relationship at
22:22
the Galla dinner. We'll get to but yeah, God, and then the
22:25
guys also have to talk about their sex lives and stuff. So Jesse's talking
22:29
about how Michelle doesn't fuck him the way he wants anymore. She's to come
22:33
over in a trench coat, it was said, looking sexy, and now
22:36
I can't even light a candle, like, as if that's the problem,
22:38
You're the problem, dude. A woman will fuck you if you treat her
22:41
well, she's going to want to be intimate with you. That's part of
22:45
what a woman needs, is that emotional connection, which ultimately ends up in
22:48
also a physical connection. So if your woman doesn't want to fuck you,
22:52
that's because there's absolutely no emotional connection. That means you're doing something wrong exactly.
22:57
It's always just about sex with him, yep. And then Jax talks
23:03
about their sex life, him and Brittany's. And this is where Danny has
23:07
been so cool. Love Oh my god, he brings up love languages.
23:11
He's like, have you read the Love Language book? Ye? And Jackson
23:15
fucking Jesse, You're like, know what the folk's at? Like, God,
23:17
you guys are the worst. Yeah, how are you guys in your
23:18
forties and you haven't even heard about love languages? I can't believe that they
23:22
haven't. And Danny's like, well, it will teach you the way to
23:26
communicate your love to your woman in a way that she can actually receive and
23:30
appreciate. What a king and I know, and Jack's like, what do
23:33
you do that at CVS? Where do you get that test at CBS?
23:36
Just dumb, absolutely no incentive or inspiration to want to do any of that.
23:41
They're going to be alone forever, I mean seriously, yep. And
23:44
then we have Luke and Kristen going to dinner and they were kind of like,
23:48
this is kind of boring, yeah, a little bit. They were
23:51
talking about like their future and like he doesn't want to live in LA and
23:53
she doesn't want it, wants to get the fuck out right now. I
23:56
can't blame it of LA. And he also says that ninety percent of people
24:00
in LA suck shit. It's true, and he thinks his friend group it's
24:03
not true. He thinks, I think and I was reading somewhere maybe it
24:08
was on the Valley subreddit, but like there were a bunch of Californians there
24:11
saying like, actually, Native Californians are awesome. It's the transplants. It's
24:17
the people moving to LA to become a model or an actress or a studio
24:21
director. That absolutely suck. But I know a lot of Californians who are
24:25
actually very cool. And you're from the Pacific Northwest, so you know that's
24:27
true. Look, I've been to California a million times. California used to
24:32
be really cool back in the day. Now there's a lot of shit going
24:34
on, and a lot of human shit everywhere. I'm sorry, actual human
24:37
shit going on. And like we all know, the problem is all the
24:41
people moving to fucking California, all the pieces of shit and stuff, So
24:45
don't take any hate in the college. It's also had a vapid culture of
24:48
California and in particular Los Angeles, where you have all of these superficial,
24:53
vapid people doing draconian, monstrous plastic surgery to their face. They can look
25:00
like just another Kardashian knockoff who have no personality and I dare say no soul
25:04
for living in one place and functioning as an echo chamber where they can't have
25:10
any divergent opinions and thoughts, and so great, this is the group we're
25:12
looking at, who I think are actual people, but feel so desperately the
25:18
need to conform to this superficiality, yes, preach. Well, I'm sorry,
25:22
but I mean, that's why people don't like California's because if the people
25:26
on this cast, you see humanity in Kristin. The thing about Kristen is
25:30
she's fucked up a lot, for sure, but I have to same,
25:33
we all have fucked up and made really bad choices in men and in people
25:37
and in moments, right, And so we're watching her human redemption arc or
25:41
just her journey, and it's interesting. But if you're gonna act fake with
25:45
your fucking dinner code, Jesse Pompadour, your fucking hair, and your beautifully
25:52
poised and coffed wife who can't stand to have the word racism associated with her
25:57
even if it's not true, Like these people are so pretentious they don't know
26:00
how to have actual conversations, which makes this riveting, Yes, which makes
26:04
this riveting. But that's why people don't like California. It's not because of
26:08
the Californians. I'm just gonna advocate. Yeah, No, it's because of
26:11
the vapid asshole right who populate a California. Yeah, agreed. And I
26:18
can't blame Luke for being like, yeah, fuck this, I don't want
26:19
to live here. But then Kristen's like, I don't want to move anytime
26:22
soon because I've moved three times in a year, which I mean makes sense.
26:26
But I'm like, she doesn't want to go to Colorado, Well that's
26:30
sucks. Now she's got a job with the Valley and she's like, I
26:32
cann't leave now, this is like my only income. That sucks because I
26:36
feel like Luke's actually good for her and I think he actually cares about her,
26:38
and I think she'd fit in great from Colorado. I think she'd live
26:41
her best life there, and like Luke seems to really love her. And
26:45
then they also talk about how he's a lithario and he's got a big old
26:48
dick and he's got that high thirty two years old, like a big charging
26:53
libido, and they're fucking multiple times a day. I guess, according to
26:59
Kristin to picture that I don't know. Well, I'm just happy that Kristin
27:03
is sprung and thinks he's hot as hell. I personally think he's a translucent
27:07
person that like if I squint, I can't actually see is an invisible person.
27:12
He's a pink person. Well, you're not into when he wears pink,
27:15
all he is is pink. All I see fucking pink. Yeah,
27:19
but maybe he's got a big old, throbbing column of a dick that covers
27:23
a multitude of sins on it. You got a big old Johnson, you
27:27
can give it him a baby. I mean, I want Kristin to be
27:30
happy, but I think she's being unrealistic. I mean, Luke in this
27:33
conversation is also mentioning like it costs a lot to have a kid, and
27:38
you want to have this kid in California, where like it's gonna cost like
27:41
mill year's tuition at a university to send our kid to preschool, Like it's
27:47
doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But Kristin is like, well,
27:49
but I love Califonians where I'm from. Cringe. So she's not realistic,
27:55
No, she's not, but she means well, I think too, Like
27:57
she's like, I just don't want to move, and I get like whatever.
28:00
I'm sure we're gonna hear a lot about this throughout the season. I
28:03
think if the Valley is not renewed, I think she will probably end up
28:08
in Colorado with Luke. Probably. This is probably the only reason she's still
28:11
in California probably yep. And then we have Brittany and Danny going to set
28:18
up a romantic date for Luke and Kristen because Luke, I guess called up.
28:22
Danny was like, hey, bro, can you like throw some rose
28:25
petals and light some candles for me at the apartment because she's Yeah, we're
28:29
gonna fuck a lot. I want to insumminate her, and Danny, being
28:33
the king that he is, He's like, absolutely, I will totally do
28:37
that. I'm like, I love you. I mean he's he's the like
28:41
shining hope that humans exist in California. He's such a sweet dude. Anderson,
28:48
he loves his wife so much. Oh my god. He treats her
28:49
so wow. You know, he eats that box for hours. He treats
28:55
her so probably she's Smith's America or Universal. I mean, he's so grateful,
28:59
of course, and he's handsome. I just love the whole Union.
29:02
I we probably need more of them, but they're so boring. There's no
29:06
drama. Yeah, it's like nothing going on. But they are a great
29:08
juxtaposition, like a compare and contrast to the rest of the shitty, shitty
29:12
people on this show when all of their relationships are falling apart. Maybe not
29:17
Kristin and Luke like, they're probably gonna be fine, but whoa, it
29:19
was probably he's gonna fall apart totally and Kristin get your shit together. When
29:23
I heard she was in therapy for nine years, I know, I was
29:27
like, damn, why are you still acting a little nuts? Though,
29:32
girl, you can tell people over and over and over again how to fix
29:34
their fucking problems, like we say on this podcast all the time. Doesn't
29:38
mean they're gonna do it, no, And so that therapist is probably like
29:41
this curl again, She's probably yes, perpetual therapy for the rest of her
29:47
life. The bills are paid, yes, yeah, but it's really sweet.
29:53
So Brittany and Danny go over to their apartment to get everything set up.
29:56
Got rose petals, they got candles, I got a massage chair.
30:03
Yeah. He's going to stick it here a little bit around like a field.
30:08
Yeah. Yeah. We love some good sex for many people. I
30:14
love it for them. Yeah. But what's really sad about this whole scene
30:17
is Brittany being so desperate. She's just like, I wish Jax would do
30:22
this for me. I wish he'd be more romantic for me. Man,
30:26
I wish I have rose petals. I'm just like, oh god, Danny
30:30
probably feels so fucking awkward with this. Can we sidebar and talk about Britney's
30:34
tits though? Like do you want this uncensored? Yeah? All right,
30:41
back from uncensored, and we're talking about how Britney is like sad, and
30:45
she's like, maybe I should take a picture of all of these candles and
30:48
rose petals and like the lengths to which Luke is trying to please Kristen and
30:55
send it to Jack so he can get a clue and we can try to
30:57
save our marriage. Yeah, he's not gonna care. Even if you did
31:02
that, he'd be like absolutely not. What am I looking at? I
31:03
don't care. He's not gonna do it. So then after they set that
31:07
up, you know, Kristin and Luke go back and they bang all night
31:11
because she's ovulating. Yeah, they can't write up on that massage table,
31:15
oh girl, and he's getting it all staging a nail girl conceiving it child
31:21
yes, hopefully hopefully maybe, who knows, And then we get to the
31:26
charity gala, make a match gala. Yeah, whatever I find a match,
31:30
galup. All these fake ass people are going there with their like beautiful
31:33
dresses. They're like head difference, even though like Jack's on the way there
31:40
is like, don't donate more than two hundred dollars because we have bills to
31:42
pay and you just bought two handbags that you can keep up with the Joneses
31:47
and pretend that we're making money when this is really literally our last hope of
31:51
making any kind of an income in this town because I didn't invest anything in
31:55
that bar. It's just my name, nothing at all. Yeah, it's
31:59
cringe, dude. But they get there and they've got tables arranged already so
32:02
people can be separated because you know, they're adults, but they can't talk
32:07
to each other. Janet wanted to make sure that Kristin was not seated where
32:10
she didn't want her. So Janet is talking to the organizer of the Mega
32:15
Manti Galla, who used to be Kristen's role tied homeboy but who Janet has
32:20
stolen away, and we have a flashback of him talking to Janet about how
32:23
Kristen's texting him saying like where are we sitting and stuff like that. So
32:27
she's colluding with the organizer to make sure Kristin isn't where she wants to be,
32:30
which is shitty. Yeah, shitty, Janet, You're fucking petty and
32:34
shitty. Just grow up seriously. And so Kristen comes on in and she's
32:37
trying to find out where she's seated, and she's seated next to Brittany and
32:39
Jackson. Then we have the conversation between well, we have to talk about
32:46
Jesse's stupid fucking jacket and his bow tie gotta be the center of the attention.
32:52
Oh my bank act in the room, Zach the token gay, being
32:55
like, he looks like he's stuck in the eighties and he just went and
32:59
started a line of cocaine in the bathroom. I'm like, yes, it's
33:02
totally. He looks like a fucking dork. And then compare him with Danny,
33:07
who shows up in like a little tucks or somebody's hot, looks fantastic.
33:10
But Jesse cannot suffer not being the person who gets the most attention in
33:17
a space or in a room. Oh yeah, and he's insufferable totally.
33:21
So it's insupportable. He's and his wife looks beautiful in her gold dress.
33:27
So I will. I mean, she's hot as fun. God, I
33:30
wish she was nicer. I know, I wish he was a good person.
33:32
It wasn't a bigot, a Mexican Iranian. I know, I'm married
33:37
to a party kid kid whatever. She's gorgeous though, she is totally and
33:45
I think. Zach sits at their table with Michelle and Jesse and all them,
33:49
and this is where he like apologizes for his hand in the hole,
33:53
very vaguely without actually specifying the ship that he said and or did, but
33:58
again they don't care because the problem was that it was on camera. Yes,
34:01
And this is where Zach like kind of sets up the last scene of
34:05
the episode, which is him suggesting that Jesse and Michelle just talk with Kristen,
34:09
just hear her out. She wants to apologize. I've talked with her,
34:13
would you guys be willing to do that? And both Jesse and Michelle
34:15
are like nodded to it, but like Jesse's like, Jesse's like, just
34:19
get me my margarita and then I'll go out there or whatever. But before
34:23
that, Janet asks Michelle about their love story, because we all want to
34:29
know how Jesse and Michelle met, which nobody cares. What we want to
34:31
know is why Michelle is with such a douchebag like Jesse, Like, how
34:35
did the fuck that did that happen? I know? And she like talks
34:37
about it at the table. She's like, oh yeah, very disparaging she
34:42
is. She's very desperent. She's not overtly rude, but she's the undercurrent
34:45
of disparagement. Oh. I live for it totally because she talks about how
34:50
they got set up on a date or whatever. But then in her interstitial
34:52
and her real story, she's like, yeah, so he was a one
34:55
night stand booty call. He was a booty call, and I knew he
35:00
wasn't the one. She says that. She says that in her interstitial and
35:04
like, so then you had a kid with him? Yeah? Why?
35:07
Also she says to the table of everyone there, with everyone there, that
35:13
he just talked about himself the entire time that they met, and like she
35:16
cut the date short. I think went home. Then she got a horny,
35:20
she called him, he showed up, took off her gene shorts,
35:22
and they started banging and the rest is history. Yeah, But I'm like,
35:27
why would you build a life with someone who foundationally is so toxic and
35:32
flawed. Does he got a great dick game or something? Really? I
35:37
guess he's functionally handsome. I told him he reminds me of an ex.
35:39
Don't say it. I told you he reminds me of an ex. And
35:43
so there's like no world in which I'll ever think highly of him at all.
35:47
He's repugnant and repulsive to me, vile that I judge. I hate,
35:53
but how I don't get it. I don't think he's good in bed
35:58
at all. Honestly, I think he's the kind of guy that's like,
36:00
it's my pleasure or no pleasure. Like, I don't think he knows where
36:04
the little man in the boat is. I don't think he cares at all.
36:06
No, I think he's a piece of shit. But that's why I'm
36:07
like, Michelle takes some ownership for like the choice you made. Why would
36:12
you call this dufis for a booty call? You are literally so gorgeous anybody
36:15
anybody else, anyone literally, any guy would want. And now you're gonna
36:20
raise a beautiful young woman with this misogynist. I just so she's gonna learn
36:25
how to tolerate misogyny from other douchebag fuck boys, right, Like, make
36:30
it make sense, Michelle, you seem like an intelligent person who might have
36:34
some bigoted attributes, but like, I'm not gonna judge you instead of that.
36:37
But but I mean your beautiful person, you have a beautiful child.
36:38
You seem like a great mother. Like what are we doing here? Yeah,
36:42
I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. But
36:45
she tells them all the whole love story, and then they eventually Jesse and
36:49
Michelle go outside with his margarita to go and talk with Kristin. Give me
36:52
one margarita, margarita. Yeah. Yeah, So they go out to go
36:58
talk with Kristin, and of course Zach got to be there as like the
37:00
mediator, and Kristen like looks directly at Michelle, touches her arms. She's
37:06
like, I am sorry. I'm really sorry. You mean the world to
37:09
me. I didn't want to hurt you, Michelle. I'm sorry. I
37:14
repeated, yes what I heard, and then Michelle's like, that's the problem
37:17
is you're using that word again. Repeat, and then Kristen says, well,
37:22
I mean I heard it from Jasmine, and then she immediately says I'm
37:25
sorry, I'm sorry, and then Jesse's like, oh god, damn,
37:28
I know, as if we can't invoke the name of Jasmine or we can't
37:31
discuss the fact that this was the game of telephone and that she got the
37:35
infro, we can't say any of that. It just has to all be
37:37
Kristen's fault all the time, of course, because she's the only one that
37:42
did anything wrong, even though like Michelle and her talking head during the scene
37:45
is like, I know everyone talked about it, Like I know everyone said
37:49
something, but they're not saying anything about it. So you know that Zach
37:52
and Jasmine and Janet, we're all talking about you behind your back. But
37:58
still in this scene, you're wanting Kristen to take one ownership over it.
38:02
And there's something that's so gross to me about taking somebody who is trying to
38:09
apologize and I would dare say even groveling before you, trying to make amends
38:15
with you, and treating them so coldly. Yes, like you're not a
38:20
good person. Nope, Like there are different ways that you can and if
38:22
you're not ready, if you do need space, there are things that you
38:25
can say to take care of yourself and to take care of the other person
38:29
in that moment instead of coming off so fucking cold and such. That's why
38:35
I'm so side eyeing Michelle me too, Like I'm wondering if everything they're saying
38:38
about you is true. And I think you're mean. Yep, I think
38:43
so too. And I think Jesse you're awful. You please ape man.
38:46
You're a trog, you're an og, make fire, You're a dope.
38:52
You've got no substance. No, And even in this scene, he's like,
38:57
I'm an adult, so I guess I'll like forgive her, but I'm
39:00
never gonna trust her again. I'm like, you're not a fucking adult.
39:01
You really caredreaming about it? Nobody cares. Nobody cares about you at all.
39:06
Yeah, nobody said anything about you your apology to accept you dope.
39:08
He's a fucking nark. I hate piece of shite. I hate him.
39:13
He's useless. He is like everything that's wrong with men. Him and Jack's
39:16
for sure, and they're gonna end up singles everything that's wrong with the men
39:24
except Danny. Danny's the only shining light and Luke and Luke, I mean,
39:29
Luke has his issues though, I mean, I think there's probably more
39:32
to come about Luke. We haven't gotten to the bottom of what motivates Luke.
39:37
But I mean my husband, he's such a beautiful Maya. I know.
39:42
I want to say more men on TV, like my husband, who
39:45
takes care of his woman, who is a kind person, who's protective,
39:50
Like, these men are the worst. The word totally it's these elder millennial
39:55
men. Specific, Yeah, because I think that means I don't know what
40:00
what's an elder millennial versus the younger millennial, which you are, Well,
40:02
I'm like at the very tail end of millennials. You're practically People keep saying,
40:07
I'm like rude, rude, but no, elder millennials are like the
40:13
fucking worst because they always make everything about themselves. They're always like victimizing themselves.
40:16
Nobody likes them, and they're fucking cringe and they're pretentious. Are these
40:21
children of boomers? Uh? No? Gen X, no gen X.
40:24
Are I'm the I'm the oh, well, the elder of a younger millennial
40:30
slash Z. I think they're the child their forties. They're the children of
40:35
boomers. They're the most selfish fucking generation ever. Facts. Yeah, yeah,
40:39
so self absorbed, and so I think we're seeing some of that.
40:42
Yeah, in this elder millennial representations of the valley. Totally, it's not
40:47
everybody. Of course, not a lot of great people out there, and
40:50
you're probably one of them listening, but like and you're great. This is
40:52
the worst of them, is all I'm saying. Totally. And maybe they're
40:55
not elder, maybe they're elder slash young gen X maybe, so don't oh
41:00
yeah, don't come from me. I know that's just you trying to come
41:04
from me and just play it and just play it. But yeah, that
41:08
was it is that, It is that how we ended. Yeah, it
41:10
was pretty much how we are not really accepting the apology and then them just
41:14
walking away. Yeah, and Kristen's like, I get she needs space or
41:16
whatever, because Kristen's trying to be understanding. Yeah, those nine years of
41:20
therapy are paying off a little bit. YEP. And Michelle's like, I
41:23
don't faking believe her. I think she's a lying snake. Okay, whatever,
41:27
we think you're a bitch yep and other things. Yeah, okay,
41:31
can't any final thoughts about the episode before we get on out of here.
41:37
Girl, Well, I thought I was better than VPR this week. A
41:38
little bit like, and it's like there's some new stuff, there's some underlying
41:43
shit that I'm kind of digging, Like Brittany and Jackson they're impending divorce,
41:46
and Michelle and Jesse and their horrible marriage and they're gonna get divorced. So
41:52
I just hope we get to see that through in this season. I wonder
41:54
if Valley will be coming back. I think so. I think the ratings
41:59
from last week we're really really good. Really were they higher than BPR and
42:04
or definitely the highest of the season yet. But it's only been three episodes,
42:07
four episodes, but yeah, I think the ratings are pretty impressive,
42:10
so they'll probably get a second season. And I'm just here for the downfall
42:15
of Janet me too, That's what I'm here. That's what's got me invested
42:20
in all of this for sure. But I am I am liking it me
42:23
too. All Right, Well, I was gonna say something else? What
42:28
was it? Oh Jesus, I'm drinking. I got you drinking? You
42:31
start talking about all these things? Well, whatever is there anything else that
42:36
we need to say to these beautiful raccoons? Beatrice? Well, if you
42:39
love our podcast, I sure hope you go to your favorite podcast platform and
42:44
leave us a glowing five star review. It really helps us grow the pod,
42:47
so thank you so much. An Events. We will be back next
42:51
week, starting with Seeking Sister Wife, which is a fun time. Are
42:54
you in the dumpster with us for that? Because you should. I know,
42:58
there's like a delineation Queen, TLC and Bravo, but like, it's
43:01
all family here, yeah, and we have so much fun, So do
43:04
join us for that, and until then, please do not forget that we
43:07
have nothing but love for you and pee bye bye Gus