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Stop Trying to Fix Your Teen — Fix This Instead · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Hello.
• 0:32
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Hello.
• 0:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Welcome back to the podcast and thank you guys for being here.
• 0:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It really means a lot that you would take part of your day and come hang out with me and Cortni, because really we have no friends aside from our list.
• 0:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 0:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That's not true.
• 0:50
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: False.
• 0:51
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I know I have friends.
• 0:52
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No,
• 0:53
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 0:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm sure Cortni has friends too.
• 0:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: today.
• 0:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I would like to talk about, in my opinion, what is the most impar important thing, almost said, the most I parenting thing.
• 1:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: This thing is imperative and it's important, and I feel like it goes hand in hand with my all time.
• 1:21
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Top favorite book to recommend to people, which is leadership and self Deception.
• 1:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So I don't know.
• 1:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Cortni, you got anything you want to add before we dive in?
• 1:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Cortni knows I'm a little fiery today because we lost last night in the football game that, it's just frustrating.
• 1:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So, so we might be coming at you with a little bit of heat today.
• 1:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Cortni, anything you want to add before we just go all in?
• 1:50
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: No, I'm excited.
• 1:51
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: This is one of my favorite topics.
• 1:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: This is like the topic, like if you don't learn anything else from me, like this is the thing that I want you to learn.
• 2:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Stop trying to change your team and be the change that you want to see.
• 2:08
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 2:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The reason this is top of mind, so I don't know how well you guys know my process for working with me.
• 2:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Basically, I will offer you a free one-on-one coaching call where you can come talk to me and I'll kind of help assess, like, can I help you?
• 2:30
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Are these things that.
• 2:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: that I can help you with.
• 2:34
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is it your teen?
• 2:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is it you?
• 2:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like what's going on?
• 2:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I have had multiple free consultation, free consultations lately where the parent is like, Hey, my teen is a mess.
• 2:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I need them to change this and this and this, and they do this and this and this.
• 2:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I don't want you to think about.
• 2:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I don't want you to worry like, oh man, Ben is sitting there judging me the whole time.
• 3:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If I get on a free consultation with him, I'm not judging you The whole time I'm sitting there listening and analyzing like where you're coming from, where's your focus?
• 3:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Are you focused on things within your control?
• 3:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Are you focused on things outside of your control?
• 3:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If your teen is there, I'm looking to see like.
• 3:21
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is your teen on board?
• 3:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Does your teen even know that some of these things are a problem?
• 3:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: One of the funniest free consultations I ever had, the mom is like looking at the teen like worried.
• 3:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I'm like, what's like, what do you want me to help you with?
• 3:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And she's like, well, he doesn't know everything.
• 3:39
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I'm like, well, that's the problem.
• 3:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like you gotta let your team know if you have a problem.
• 3:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And so I was like, well, do you want me to read what you put on the thing?
• 3:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And she's like, no, I'll just summarize.
• 3:52
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And anyways, I'm just paying attention.
• 3:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like what is the dynamic?
• 3:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: What in your opinion is going wrong?
• 4:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And can I or can I not help?
• 4:04
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So step one, you go book this free consultation.
• 4:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We talk oftentimes.
• 4:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm like, dang.
• 4:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 4:12
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Especially when it's like teen athletes.
• 4:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No amount of parenting coaching is gonna help your kid be a better quarterback or whatever.
• 4:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I, so I can identify like, yes, here's where I can help, here's how I can help.
• 4:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Anyways.
• 4:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Recently I've had a handful of free coaching calls where the parent is like, here's what my teen is doing.
• 4:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I have to ask him a million times to unload and load the dishwasher.
• 4:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay, that's my house.
• 4:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Anyways, and they're like, and I want you to fix all that stuff.
• 4:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Oftentimes, especially if your teenager doesn't want to work with me, my recommendation will be, Hey, why don't you spend the money on yourself?
• 5:00
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You can't control your teenager, but you can control you, and you could spend good money for me to sit and hang out with your teen, which I love doing.
• 5:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Teens are awesome.
• 5:12
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But you can't guarantee that your team will change.
• 5:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I can't guarantee that your team can change.
• 5:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If you work with me, you can guarantee that you will put in the work, and so I.
• 5:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I want to highlight today the power that you have to be the change that you want to see.
• 5:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So I'll give you an example.
• 5:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Actually, Cortni, I want to ask you, do you have any examples of being the change that you want to see and how that principle even works?
• 5:48
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, so while you were talking, I was thinking about, I remember exactly where I was in my home during one of our coaching calls when you told me like, Hey, you're in the box towards your husband, and I was like, Ew.
• 6:01
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like that's not what I wanted to hear.
• 6:03
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: And that was before I read the book.
• 6:05
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: but it's so true.
• 6:07
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: So like, let's say your teen, their teens do work with you and get to a better place.
• 6:12
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like it's a dynamic from both sides.
• 6:15
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: if your teen makes changes, the parents are still gonna be approaching their teen in a way or expecting behavior.
• 6:22
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: so working on yourself your team works on them is.
• 6:27
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: The greatest gift to both of you.
• 6:29
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: know, my team didn't really wanna work with you until he met you.
• 6:34
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: but I continued to work with you personally and that was one of the greatest things I've done.
• 6:39
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like, have so much more peace, in my life.
• 6:42
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I have a much better relationship with my team and at fx.
• 6:46
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like the things that I've learned in working with you has affected my interactions with so many people.
• 6:52
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: just because I'm different.
• 6:53
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I
• 6:53
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 6:54
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: changed.
• 6:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 6:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: a funny thing just today I had a coaching call with another coach and we were talking about the life coach school.
• 7:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The podcast, the Life Coach School, and I have probably spent, I don't know, maybe$30,000 like to the life Coach school over like getting certified, going to events, like all sorts of stuff.
• 7:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The most help that I got from the Life Coach school was before I even paid.
• 7:32
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: To be certified for any of their programs.
• 7:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I started listening to that podcast and it changed me, and I remember specifically when I started listening to the Life Coach School podcast, the phenomenal podcast, by the way.
• 7:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like, if you're gonna listen to any podcast other than mine, like I guess that would be a good substitute, especially her earlier stuff.
• 7:58
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I love Brooks.
• 8:00
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Earliest stuff.
• 8:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It was fantastic.
• 8:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But that is what gave me the confidence to go become a high school principal.
• 8:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That is what got me down this rabbit hole of like personal growth and self-development.
• 8:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I remember I was a principal and just wanting to be the best principal that I could be and.
• 8:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Someone had told me about this book Leadership and Self-Deception.
• 8:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I can't even remember who had told me about it, but I was like, man, I'm gonna read this thing.
• 8:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Maybe it will help me be a better high school PRI principal.
• 8:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I read the book and instantly identified a relationship in my family, and sometimes my family is weird and they listen to my podcasts.
• 8:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm not gonna give you any specifics, but like there was a certain.
• 8:53
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: A family within my family that was like the black sheep of the family and everyone like dissed on'em and complained about'em and I realized I am in the box towards these people.
• 9:06
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I didn't even know I was in the box.
• 9:07
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I didn't even know what the box was, but I was like, dang.
• 9:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: As soon as I understood, I'm like, I am in the box.
• 9:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Everyone else was like trying to change this family.
• 9:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like, well, did you see how they did this?
• 9:20
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like they should be doing X and Y and Z.
• 9:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And when I read this book, I told my wife, I'm like, Deb, we have gotta read the scene.
• 9:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So I read it once alone.
• 9:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Then me and her read it.
• 9:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm like a road trip somewhere.
• 9:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Our relationship with this family, the husband and wife, completely changed.
• 9:44
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The husband and the wife, they didn't read leadership and self deception.
• 9:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: They didn't change.
• 9:49
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 9:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We read leadership and self deception and we changed.
• 9:53
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 9:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And just recently, like this, dad was talking like he was definitely in the box towards his son and focused on a whole bunch of things that he couldn't control.
• 10:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I gave one of my all time favorite examples.
• 10:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: There's a man that I was coaching that was just ragging on his son.
• 10:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: He is like, doesn't do this, doesn't do this.
• 10:17
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And he hates going to church.
• 10:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like I wish we could make him go to church, like want to be there.
• 10:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I'm like, oh, interesting.
• 10:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Out of all this list, like how could you be the change that you wanna see?
• 10:30
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And like the lights turned on and this dad's head and he is like.
• 10:34
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I hate going to church.
• 10:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like why do you want your kid to like going to church when you don't like going to church?
• 10:39
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Be the change you want to see.
• 10:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So anyways, Cortni, I feel like I need you to put us right back on the proper trajectory.
• 10:49
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I was just enjoying your story honestly.
• 10:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So let me ask you this.
• 10:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: How long did it take you, like when you finally, after years and years of me telling?
• 11:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 11:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It wasn't that long, but I remember, I remember when you told me, Ben, I read that stupid book.
• 11:11
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Uhhuh.
• 11:13
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, and I know I've, I've said this before, but when I finally started listening to it, you had told me probably three or four different occasions over a span of many months should read that book.
• 11:24
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: And when I finally did within the first.
• 11:27
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I text my sister and I was like, listen, Ben told me I needed to listen to this book or read this book, and I'm almost offended, like gonna point out everything that I'm doing wrong.
• 11:39
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: but I was like, I'm gonna stick with it.
• 11:41
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I did stick with it and it was It's, it's amazing.
• 11:49
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 11:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: How, how
• 11:50
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: to that again.
• 11:51
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I do too.
• 11:53
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We should do that.
• 11:54
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 11:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: think we did it last year too, but it's kinda like you and me have our own little private personal book club.
• 12:01
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, audio book club
• 12:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I know it's, it still counts reading.
• 12:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So it, Cortni how quickly did that
• 12:12
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: and me probably almost immediately, like it did take some practice to.
• 12:19
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: implementing these things, but I could see it, I was much more aware of how I was interacting with others.
• 12:26
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: but, but yeah, it was immediately, I, I knew I needed to make a change.
• 12:32
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I could see how I was interacting with people, similar to those in the book and how that needed to change.
• 12:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I do have an uncle who also loves leadership and self-deception, and he said that they just revised it and that the new revised edition is not as good.
• 12:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So I read the second edition.
• 12:58
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I think I have not read the latest one, so I don't know if this is.
• 13:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Really a thing or not, but he said the no ion isn't as good.
• 13:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Take that now.
• 13:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You will.
• 13:12
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The thing that I like to point out, like you talk about how almost instantaneously it changed you in how you thought and how you perceive the world.
• 13:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is that accurate?
• 13:26
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: That's accurate.
• 13:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay, and then over time, it creates these little subtle changes in behavior.
• 13:35
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 13:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The way the pattern, in my opinion works is that you create this shift in your awareness.
• 13:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: People don't understand this, but you don't actually have the power to choose unless you are aware of the options or the choices that you have.
• 13:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And so for a lot of you guys listening to this, like you don't have the power to choose to be a better parent because you're not aware of what you're choosing in your parenting right now.
• 14:07
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And once you develop that awareness, you might go through But
• 14:10
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Right.
• 14:11
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 14:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: once you get over that.
• 14:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like that is the awareness stage.
• 14:17
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like you're offended because you are aware like, gosh, I have not been the parent that I want to be.
• 14:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: With that awareness comes the power to choose and to change your behavior.
• 14:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Now the way I look at the parent teenage dynamic, a lot of parents want to change their teenager.
• 14:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No, no.
• 14:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: They wanna change their teenager.
• 14:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Ultimately, they want their team to change, but the parent isn't willing to make that change themselves.
• 14:49
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 14:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I believe in the concept of like as within, or?
• 14:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah, as within.
• 14:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Soda is without, or underneath.
• 15:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It is above.
• 15:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It's really hard to record this podcast when your cohost is laughing at you.
• 15:09
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Oh God,
• 15:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay, let, let's think about it, here in Utah.
• 15:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay, well, you never know where you're gonna get with me.
• 15:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here in Utah Georgia?
• 15:20
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah, but like the actual fruit, right?
• 15:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The peach that you could put in your mouth and eat.
• 15:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The health of the actual fruit is directly connected to the health of the roots.
• 15:37
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Huh?
• 15:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Now, how silly would it be for us to like try and fertilize every individual peach?
• 15:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The fruit I'm talking about, like try and water the individual fruit.
• 15:50
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 15:51
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like when you fertilize and water a peach, how do you do that?
• 15:56
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: The root.
• 15:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The root?
• 15:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I thought for sure you're gonna say, well, I don't know Ben.
• 15:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm not a peach farmer, but so
• 16:03
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: educated me.
• 16:04
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: yeah.
• 16:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So most people.
• 16:07
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: In life, like I feel like this is going on in everyday society and we aren't aware, but we are so focused on the fruit that we don't like and we're like, well, how do we address the fruit?
• 16:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We gotta change the fruit.
• 16:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We gotta change the fruit.
• 16:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But we're not looking at the root cause that is directly connected to the problem that we're experiencing with the root.
• 16:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Now as a parent, you could take that.
• 16:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Hard.
• 16:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like you could be offended over that and be like, oh, so you're saying I'm the root cause?
• 16:44
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Well, in a way, yeah, but that is the most empowering thing that I could tell you because if you are the root, if we can address things at the root, that is when change will happen at the fruit.
• 17:01
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 17:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I have seen, so like if we just assume that the teenagers are these little fruits, not like an offensive,
• 17:09
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Gotcha.
• 17:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: as I said that I'm like, but it's empowering to realize as a parent, man, I'm the root here and I can create change.
• 17:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I believe that each one of us, we were born.
• 17:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Where we are, who we are to heal those around us like ourselves and those us included, like Cortni you're the mom of
• 17:40
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 17:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: and you're not getting through life without wounds and trauma and injuries.
• 17:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You have the power to heal and make whole, and it for you.
• 17:54
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: don't think so.
• 17:55
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Well then too much time passed.
• 17:56
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I have no idea.
• 17:57
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I don't remember.
• 17:58
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: yeah, no.
• 18:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So this might be a good place to go on the podcast.
• 18:04
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Sometimes I like to ask you questions because I think you are just as much an expert as I am.
• 18:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: What do you think some indicators could be that like a parent could look at and know like, man, this is an area where I can be the change.
• 18:21
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: This is an area where I have power.
• 18:26
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: how they react to their team.
• 18:28
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: that's been a huge one for me.
• 18:31
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I can control whether or not I overreact, or make it a bigger deal than it needs to be because when I do that, he shuts down
• 18:39
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 18:40
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: just creates a vicious cycle.
• 18:41
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: So if I can control how I react, that holds a lot of power.
• 18:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I like
• 18:48
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: question?
• 18:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: that.
• 18:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No, that's good.
• 18:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm just processing.
• 18:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If I were to like, so I work with a lot o wanna be a certified coach?
• 19:02
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I should just teach you all my major ways and you can couch with me.
• 19:07
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here's the thing that I see a lot, if you are focused on things outside of your control.
• 19:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like, let's even simplify it even more.
• 19:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We've talked about the difference between the victim mentality and the hero mentality, right?
• 19:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So I have warning signs or like they're kinda like indicator lights that go on on your car and that's like, Hey, you need to change your oil.
• 19:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Or, Hey, you have a low tire.
• 19:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like they're not bad.
• 19:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: They're just an indicator saying, Hey, there's something that needs to be addressed.
• 19:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Some of the indicator lights that I teach people about when it comes to knowing if you're in the victim mentality or the hero mentality, which by the way, like the whole thing we're talking about today, like you being, the change is repositioning you from the victim mentality to the hero mentality.
• 20:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If you catch yourself blaming your teenager, oh my goodness, I was in the victim mentality last night.
• 20:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Coaching high school football.
• 20:11
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: 'cause I was freaking blaming the refs.
• 20:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm like, come on.
• 20:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Anyways.
• 20:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If you are blaming, if you are complaining again, I was in the victim mentality last night.
• 20:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: See, this is where it's always fun to gain this awareness and realize, man, that was not who I wanted to be.
• 20:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 20:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So if you're blaming, complaining, criticizing, or making excuses, those are all pretty good indicators.
• 20:39
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That you are in the victim mentality, and you are very well positioned to be the change that you want to see.
• 20:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I want you to, oh, go ahead.
• 20:50
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I was gonna say, and how powerful for your teenager to be able to see you do the work
• 20:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yes.
• 20:55
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: and make a change if they notice a change in you, like things will change.
• 21:00
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Because when.
• 21:01
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Our teenagers grow up and are out in the world.
• 21:03
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Do we want them to be victims and woe is me, boohoo, everybody else around me sucks.
• 21:08
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Or do we want them to be proactive and grow and learn and change?
• 21:12
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like
• 21:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 21:13
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: that example for them.
• 21:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 21:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Really good man.
• 21:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I let you talk, and in my mind I was like, I better let Cortni speak so she doesn't forget what she's gonna say.
• 21:25
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Thank you.
• 21:26
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I appreciate that.
• 21:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Because I know that I'll remember what I'm about to say.
• 21:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I can't remember at all, which is gonna be good.
• 21:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No, I think you are dead on.
• 21:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Oh, yes.
• 21:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here's what I wanted to say.
• 21:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Time has passed, so hopefully we can remember it.
• 21:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But I said something to the effect of, and I said this very intentionally, like if you're blaming, complaining, making excuses, criticizing, you're in the victim mentality and you are very well positioned.
• 21:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: To be the change that you want to be?
• 21:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm intentional with how I say that.
• 22:00
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It's a good thing to be well positioned.
• 22:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Cortni's kid is a good basketball player in basketball, being in good position.
• 22:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I know he likes volleyball better, but I don't, I don't even get volleyball.
• 22:12
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like, what are you doing?
• 22:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Just jumping around, hitting the ball?
• 22:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Who knows?
• 22:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Basketball.
• 22:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like how important is position when getting a rebound?
• 22:21
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: It's critical.
• 22:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It's everything.
• 22:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That's why we teach like box out.
• 22:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Being in position in football is important.
• 22:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We're always talking to kids like how do you position yourself against the defender that makes it so he can't go make a play if you are.
• 22:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Stuck in the victim mentality.
• 22:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You are well positioned, so you might be pissed off at yourself like, gosh, I can't believe I let myself get into the victim mentality.
• 22:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But feel good knowing you are well positioned to be the change that you want to see.
• 22:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And just
• 22:56
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: sorry,
• 22:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: ahead.
• 22:56
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: ahead.
• 22:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No, you go.
• 22:58
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Last year or earlier this year, I text you a couple times complaining and I was like, I know I'm being a victim.
• 23:05
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Like knew I called myself out before you had a chance to criticize me.
• 23:10
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: but the, the awareness, knowing that I was already a victim, me to like check myself and behave differently or make different choices.
• 23:22
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, just being aware is huge.
• 23:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah, that's, that is literally what gives you agency.
• 23:30
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 23:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If you don't have an awareness, you have no choice.
• 23:36
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 23:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And man, we could go deep and dark for a minute, but there are forces trying to take your agency, trying to keep you in the dark so that you don't have a choice.
• 23:50
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And what we need to do is we need to open our eyes, expand our awareness so that we do, in fact, have a choice.
• 23:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And so that we're responsible for making the choice that.
• 24:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is most aligned with who you are and who you want to be as a parent.
• 24:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You said something p of being the change.
• 24:17
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: this is where coaching calls, when I do those free consultations, sometimes it's weird.
• 24:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like people are coming to me on the call and they're like, dude, I want you to fix my kid.
• 24:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And then I throw him a curve ball and I'm like, your kid doesn't.
• 24:30
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Need fixing.
• 24:32
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Doesn't want fixing.
• 24:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Have you ever had someone or like try and change you and make you better,
• 24:39
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah,
• 24:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: isn't it?
• 24:41
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: this book.
• 24:42
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, it was hurtful.
• 24:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Hey, but you were paying me to try and fix you.
• 24:46
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like what about when your husband's like, oh, I'm gonna fix Cortni.
• 24:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like, you should change here.
• 24:52
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Does that Yeah.
• 24:52
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I don't.
• 24:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Pisses you off, right?
• 24:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You don't like it?
• 24:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: How do you think your teenager feels if you're just sitting there trying to fix or change your teenager or when your teen is thinking, I'm not the one with a problem, here you are.
• 25:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So the thing is, sometimes my free consultations, they, and I throw a curve ball'cause I'm like, Hey, your kid isn't in a good position to receive coaching right now, but I can help you.
• 25:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And it isn't to throw you under the bus like I am not saying that you're a bad parent.
• 25:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You're probably a lot like me just trying to do your best and trying to expand your awareness so that you have the power to choose a better way being who you want to be.
• 25:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm just trying to catch up with Cortni, like how can I be as awesome as she is.
• 25:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It'll take time.
• 25:44
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 25:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I know
• 25:46
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Good things come to those who wait.
• 25:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: the thing that Co though, like.
• 25:53
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Imagine the power of the example.
• 25:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like I share a story often about like my 10 word vision statement.
• 26:00
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I keep it right here handy so I can always show it when I talk about it.
• 26:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But it says, parenting with love, confidence and curiosity is easy and fun.
• 26:10
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like there is a point where I legitimately was struggling as a parent, which was really embarrassing because I was already a parenting coach.
• 26:20
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I wanted to be better and everything I teach, I practice in my own life.
• 26:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I remember parenting my son and you could have easily confused that moment for actually arguing with my son or yelling at my son.
• 26:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And my son was like, dad, I don't feel like you are being very curious or loving right now.
• 26:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And like something clicked.
• 26:44
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm like, dang, that sounds vaguely familiar.
• 26:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Where on earth did he get that?
• 26:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And then I'm like, he's using my own stuff against me.
• 26:53
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And once I swallowed my pride, which I got lucky on, this one, was almost instantaneous, I realized he is right.
• 27:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I am not being curious, I'm not being loving.
• 27:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And parenting is not very easy or fun right now.
• 27:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That was a powerful opportunity for me to apologize and be like, man, you are.
• 27:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You are right.
• 27:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like I am not being the dad that I want to be.
• 27:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I want to thank you for calling me out on that next time.
• 27:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Mind your own bus?
• 27:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: No, just joking.
• 27:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'm like, no.
• 27:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Thank you for calling me out.
• 27:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I want to do better.
• 27:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And I can tell you that is when things really started to improve with this particular sun, when I was willing to put forth better effort and be more intentional.
• 27:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here's the thing about being intentional.
• 27:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It is all about choices.
• 27:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And as we know, you don't have choice if you don't have awareness.
• 27:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So when I was willing to be more intentional about my parenting, that helped my son.
• 27:58
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Gain some awareness and be a little bit more intentional about his aging.
• 28:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: If parenting is a thing, is aging a thing, I don't know, but you really have more power than you realize.
• 28:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And if you are like most parents, you are giving that power away by focusing on things outside of your control, like whether or not your team changes.
• 28:27
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, that was great.
• 28:29
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Well, that's like the end of my wisdom, I think.
• 28:33
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: No, I was just thinking like, I know I said it a little bit earlier, but if you're.
• 28:40
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: If you change, so in the book, they talk about, you can tell if someone's genuine.
• 28:44
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: You can tell where it comes from, whether they're in the box towards you or not.
• 28:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah.
• 28:48
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: if you pretend to like be in a better place with your teenager, but you have, you're not out of the box.
• 28:54
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: If you're still approaching them certain way, they can tell if you're genuine or not.
• 29:00
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: But once you're out of the box.
• 29:03
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I, I know we don't haven't explained what being in the box means, but once you're out of the box towards your team and you interact with them, they will be able to tell or feel that it's genuine.
• 29:13
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I feel like that's where change starts to happen.
• 29:15
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: When you can start to build trust and things just feel better.
• 29:19
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Just read the book, please.
• 29:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Leadership and self-deception.
• 29:25
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: It's amazing.
• 29:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It is written by the Arbinger Institute.
• 29:28
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Did you ever read The Anatomy of Peace?
• 29:32
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: No, and I wanted to, but I had, I.
• 29:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: My dad likes that one better.
• 29:37
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: He's read both It.
• 29:39
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It's funny.
• 29:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Hopefully my mom isn't listening to this podcast.
• 29:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: A while ago, okay, maybe this was two years ago.
• 29:51
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We're sitting around a campfire and like my dad is getting older and he does a lot of work and we're going camping.
• 29:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That takes a lot of work.
• 30:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So he is like in bed early.
• 30:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I can't remember all the details of this conversation, but my mom was like, Hey, what's that book again?
• 30:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: The one about leadership and being in the box and changing yourself, and I'm like, oh, leadership and self-deception.
• 30:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That's the best book ever.
• 30:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: My mom's like, yeah, I think your dad needs to read that again.
• 30:21
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And my instant thought is, maybe you need to read that one.
• 30:28
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But my dad read that one and things really changed with them.
• 30:34
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Like they're not like on the brink of divorce or like.
• 30:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: In a terrible relationship, like they're just husband and wife.
• 30:42
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: They're the parents of freaking 15 children.
• 30:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You can imagine how rough that would be.
• 30:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And when my dad read the book, things changed because my dad was willing to be the change.
• 30:55
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But here's a little secret, another indicator.
• 30:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So like when my mom says, Hey, your dad needs to read that again.
• 31:02
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: There's like.
• 31:04
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Going on in my mind, like that's an indicator that that person needs to read leadership and self-deception again.
• 31:11
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 31:12
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: then to get even deeper, the warning lights go on in my head and they're like, wait, now you just thought she needs to read it again.
• 31:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So that must mean that you need to read it again.
• 31:20
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And anyways, it goes deep watch out.
• 31:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But yes, leadership and self deception here is what I would be willing to do.
• 31:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: For anyone who reads leadership and self-deception, and I'll just give you a free coaching call.
• 31:38
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I just no questions asked you.
• 31:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Just send an email to ben@benpughcoaching.com and say, Hey, I read leadership, or, yeah, leadership and Self Deception, or you could just go to ben pugh coaching.com/.
• 31:54
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Mini and you could book yourself a free consultation.
• 31:57
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And when it says like, Hey, what do you want?
• 31:59
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Just type in there.
• 32:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I want my free freaking coaching call that Ben said I could have if I read leadership and self-deception.
• 32:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 32:08
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: You don't, you get the idea.
• 32:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It doesn't have to be word for word, but
• 32:12
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: gonna wanna talk about it after you read it,
• 32:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: yeah.
• 32:14
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: there is, it's exciting, it's,
• 32:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Well after you get over your anger towards me for having recommended the book to you, but after that, yeah, you're gonna wanna talk about it.
• 32:25
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 32:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here's the emails that I'm gonna get with people.
• 32:30
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: People are gonna email me and they're gonna be like, what if I want to talk to Cortni about this book?
• 32:35
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: yeah, right.
• 32:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: People are gonna say.
• 32:38
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: We could do a group coaching call, like a, a group call.
• 32:41
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Oh, we totally
• 32:42
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: my favorite.
• 32:43
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: well, oh yeah, I, I have ideas.
• 32:47
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We could totally do that.
• 32:49
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Guys, if we get enough people that take advantage of that, we'll just put together a group book club sometime.
• 32:56
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Could you imagine 10 parents reading that book?
• 33:02
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That is a force for good that those of us living in the US actually, those of us living on planet Earth, we need some forces of good guys.
• 33:13
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah.
• 33:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: What the world needs now is love,
• 33:17
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Sweet love.
• 33:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: sweet love.
• 33:19
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yes.
• 33:20
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And to quote the great late Michael Jackson, I'm looking at the man in the mirror.
• 33:27
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Yeah, I thought you were gonna say heal the world, make it a
• 33:31
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Oh yeah, that too.
• 33:32
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: man in the mirrors.
• 33:33
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Yeah, that, that's a good one.
• 33:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: And
• 33:35
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: with you.
• 33:36
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: that's what we're talking about, like if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make it change.
• 33:45
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Is that like how the song goes?
• 33:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I.
• 33:48
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: I have heal the world stuck in my head right now.
• 33:51
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Well, that's maybe that's also a good song, but not quite as on point as I'm looking at the Man in the Mirror.
• 34:01
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That was a good song.
• 34:02
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Mm-hmm.
• 34:03
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 34:04
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: of his songs are.
• 34:05
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That is true.
• 34:07
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Oh, maybe not all of'em like.
• 34:14
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay, we should probably let you guys go before this conversation derails anymore.
• 34:18
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Here's what I want to invite you guys to do.
• 34:21
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It's on audible.
• 34:22
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Go get leadership and self-deception.
• 34:25
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I used to be an English teacher.
• 34:26
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I totally count reading audio books as reading.
• 34:30
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So if you're worried about that part, just say, Hey, I know a guy, he's an engli English teacher.
• 34:35
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I get credit for this too, in this imaginary realm where people are keeping English scores.
• 34:40
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: But go read that, and football season is coming to an end.
• 34:46
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I'll have more.
• 34:48
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Time available for one-on-one coaching, and I am still working on, we're getting closer to relaunching the membership slash course that I've done in the past.
• 35:00
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: That's t I just gotta get football outta the way because that has been all consuming.
• 35:09
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: So it's coming soon, guys.
• 35:13
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Just keep waiting on pins and needles.
• 35:15
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: It'll be here anytime.
• 35:16
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Okay.
• 35:17
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Cortni, anything you wanna say before we go?
• 35:20
  _1_10-03-2025_112015: Just be the change you want to see.
• 35:23
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: Awesome.
• 35:24
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: We'll see you guys next week.
• 35:27
  ben_3_10-03-2025_102015: I.