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How You End the Cycle of Trauma (and don't pass it onto your kids) · Reclaiming Consciousness

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: When there's something happening with your child, the way that it's going to change is by you changing because your kids are always going to be mirroring back to you exactly what the wound is or the trauma is that you are being invited to look at.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when you change, your kids will change.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: With kids, it's typically that there's some kind of need that they have that's not being met.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's some kind of struggle they're having.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if they have that need met and there's a change in their environment and their caretaking to meet that need, then they will no longer need to do that behavior to send a message, right?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is all subconscious.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know that they're doing this.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reclaiming Consciousness.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Elise Bacine, trauma and breath work expert and creator of the Metamorphosis Method, the only methodology bridging the gap between spiritual healing and clinical trauma work.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: For many years, our consciousness has been hijacked by societal and cultural programming, religion, the media, and familial and ancestral trauma.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: In this podcast, you'll discover my unique perspective on trauma healing and how it is the gateway to fully reclaiming your consciousness.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You will hear stories and teachings that expand your mind as you discover how every relationship challenge, business block, or limiting pattern is an invitation to reclaim the parts of your consciousness you unknowingly gave away.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Get ready to go deep.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's dive in.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the show.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: This topic has been coming up a lot.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually have been working with some private clients around this topic of their relationships with their kids and how to better their relationships with their kids and ultimately not pass on their trauma to their kids.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this episode will apply to you whether you are a parent of young children, like a baby or, you know, toddlers or children under five, or if you have kids of any age, literally any age, if they are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, this episode will help you because I have a very specific lens on the way that I see this topic and also the way that I see working with kids in general after working with children for over a decade as a mental health professional and also even longer as an educator.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I have a very specific view on this.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to share it today because it seems like it's in the air because it keeps coming up.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have been having a lot of people reach out to me about this.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I just completed a month-long private container working with a client who has worked with me before.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't a new client, but she was having some issues with her daughter, relating to her daughter and you know, her daughter's behavior and all of these things.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And her initial thought was that she wanted her daughter to get counseling.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that, that will never be the thing that I would recommend.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even if your child is having a ton of behavioral issues or whatever it is, I will want to work with the parents before I work with the kid.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, am I saying that I don't think kids getting counseling or extra support is important?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's not what I'm saying.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the way that I would treat a child or even a young adult versus the way I would treat an adult is extremely different.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The main thing I wanted to share here is when there's something happening with your child, the way that it's going to change is by you changing because your kids are always going to be mirroring back to you exactly what the wound is or the trauma is that you are being invited to look at.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when you change, your kids will change.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is a lot of times kids are simply just reacting, responding, or coping with their environment and with the things that they need that they're not getting.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't have words for that, right?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're not aware of that.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about when you were a child, would you have been able to say, you know, oh, my mom isn't emotionally available for me?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can't say that as a child.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have that awareness, you don't have the ability to have that kind of thought process, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel like this doesn't feel good, or I don't like how this feels, or I don't like how my mother is acting, or this isn't fair, or something, but you wouldn't have the words for what's actually going on.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So remembering that kids are responding and reacting to their environment.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as adults, when we change the way we relate to ourselves and our environment, then we create a new environment.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then our kids start responding to a different environment and they change.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this is very important to understand when it comes to any kind of problem or issue you're having with your kids.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I would always want to work with you first.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I tell people that all the time.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, my view on kids is that all the way up to age 20, 25, I would say around that time is when, you know, maybe they start really becoming adults.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, I started doing personal growth work at 19.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously I was ready for it and I wanted to learn.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: But even when I look back at that time in my life, I was still very unaware of a lot of things that went on in my upbringing that I didn't have the perspective for yet.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I had just moved out of my parents' house like a year ago.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I truly believe that kids can't really do any kind of deeper work around their parents and their upbringing until they're out of the house.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because until you're out of the house, you can't really see.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a fish being able to see the water they're in.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can't really see what's going on.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're just responding to it.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: But what kids do really, really benefit from, kids of all ages benefit from having a person that can hold a very safe space for them to be themselves, that can be present for them with no judgment and no agenda.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's what a counselor or a therapist can do for your child, then by all means, have them go to that person.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And how do I know that?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I know that from working with hundreds of children over 10 years and, you know, going into my first job as a school counselor, which, you know, I was at that same school for seven years.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when I first started my job as a school counselor, my first thought was whenever a kid would come to me and, you know, they would be having something that was objectively really upsetting happening in their lives, right?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like the population of kids that I worked with was in the inner city.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the parents didn't speak English, and they were, you know, first generation from Puerto Rico or Dominican Republic.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they were limited in the ways that they could help, right?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because of that.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they were living in environments where there was a lot of lack, where there was violence, where there was fighting, you know, to varying degrees.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And these kids were dealing with real issues, things that I never dealt with in my life.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And my first instinct was I have to fix this, right?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have to make them feel better.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have to make this go away.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty quickly I realized that there was no way I could do that.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: There was no way I could take them out of their environment.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: There was no way I could magically make everything better.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what I could do is I could listen to them, I could be present with them, and I could hold a safe space for them.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I could be present without an agenda.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the most important thing, in my opinion, but I know I'm right.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is the most important thing that you could do for a child.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because think about, and I say this to my certification students all the time because I always tell them their job when they're facilitating breath work is to just be present, and their presence is enough.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they get confused when I say that because they're like, Yeah, but I'm not doing anything.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I say, think about how many times in your life that someone has just been present with you for an extended amount of time with no other agenda, with no other thoughts, other than to just be present with you.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how many times in your life that has happened.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And usually they can't think of anything.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, so think about how powerful that is.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, wow, it is really powerful, you know?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And for you to be able to give that to a child who most likely has never gotten that, right?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because, and again, it's not to say there's anything wrong with their parents.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Their parents might not have the ability or resources or time or energy to do that for them.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And that's fine.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: But what I started to find with all of these kids that I was working with is that once I held that space for them, I became their safe space.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And just by them having that safe space, things changed for them because they knew that they had an adult that they could rely on, that they could feel safe around, that wasn't going to judge them, that wasn't going to tell them what to do, didn't have a hidden agenda of what they were trying to get them to do or be or see.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was literally just presence.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I started to see how healing that was for children and how that created transformation in them.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: So to me, my philosophy when it comes to kids is that's all that they need because I'm not going to sit here and try to have you heal your inner child or something like you're still a fucking child, like you're still in it.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can't do that work yet.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And like I always say, changing a behavior is futile.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because changing a behavior has to come from the inside out.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And a behavior is a message.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: A behavior is always a message.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So when we think of like, you know, a kid who's acting out, well, what is he trying to tell us by acting out?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: What is he trying to say?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I can give the example of my own son who has his own struggles and he gets in trouble at school sometimes.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And pretty much the biggest reason why is because he has really big emotions and he has trouble managing them.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And when he has a really big emotion, instead of feeling the emotion, he reacts.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And usually the way he reacts is by saying something that he shouldn't say.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's gotten him in trouble.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So once I got that message, I was like, okay, he needs to understand how to manage his big emotion.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I started to teach him.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I taught him how to notice in his body when there was an emotion happening.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I started to teach him how to have that awareness.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I started to help him recognize what anger feels like in his body, what sadness feels like in his body.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then I showed him how to breathe and just let the emotion move through you.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then after that, you can decide how you want to respond, right?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a practice, right?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's not perfect at this and it's something we're working on, but he at least has a different awareness around it now because I was able to get the message of what his behavior was trying to tell us.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So with kids, it's typically that there's some kind of need that they have that's not being met.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's some kind of struggle they're having.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if they have that need met and there's a change in their environment and their caretaking to meet that need, then they will no longer need to do that behavior to send a message, right?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this is all subconscious.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: They don't know that they're doing this.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I always give this example of I would always have kids who, you know, their parent wasn't around for whatever reason.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they were in jail or they were on drugs and they weren't in the home.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: And whenever I would have a parent get better and come back, right?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: If there was a parent who was on drugs and then they got clean and they came back and they were in the kid's life, as long as the kid was young enough, the kid would totally change.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you would see a kid that was once had a lot of behavior problems, couldn't focus.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And now all of a sudden they are getting all their work done.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: They're able to focus.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing changed with the child.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was simply now that they have a parent who's present and who is there for them, right?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the kids are always a result of the parents.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: So whenever we're looking at kids, I'm always looking at, okay, I'm gonna work with the parents, right?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna change how they're relating to the kid.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because typically what's happening is your child is triggering something in you a lot of times from whatever age they are now.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, if you have a child who's a teen or, you know, a young teen and they are acting out or something is going on with them, they're most likely trying to get your attention for you to show up in a different way that is going to support them.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And usually it's going to be where you are going to have to heal whatever wounding you had from that time that caused you to shut down, you're gonna have to heal that so that you're able to hold space for them.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Cause a lot of times what happens with parents is they only have a certain capacity because they can't give to their kids what they didn't get.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, if you had a parent who was not emotionally available to you, you might intellectually think, like, I want to be there for my kids, I want to have a good relationship with them, I want to be present with them.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: But you'll only be able to do it to a certain capacity before you feel frustrated or you get angry or you try to control or you feel depleted or whatever it is, because you will only be able to go to the capacity that was given to you.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And after that, you're gonna get triggered because the wound of not getting that is going to get triggered by your child needing it from you.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why I always will focus on the parents because once you start relating to yourself differently and you're able to hold space for the suppressed emotions around the unmet needs that you had from childhood, then you're gonna be able to hold that space for yourself to have those emotions and feel those feelings and acknowledge that wounding.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then you're gonna be able to be present for your child in a different way.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the beauty of the mirror that your child holds back to you, right?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, a lot of what we end up doing is relating to our children through the lens of our own trauma.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're not aware of it, then we will have these like unconscious needs or expectations that we're projecting onto them.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then we're angry at them or disappointed at them when they don't act the way we want them to act.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then that will cause them to push back even more because we are trying to get them to be something that they're not.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then they will resent us or whatever.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: But if you were able to look at what it was within you that you haven't acknowledged that was causing you to project these things onto your kid of how they should be or how they should act or who they should be, then you get to show up in the relationship with them without any needs or expectations.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you simply just get to be a supportive presence in who they want to be and what they want to do.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, as parents, it's our job to guide them, right?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And support them.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if they're going to make a decision that could potentially, you know, ruin the rest of their life or harm them, of course, it's our job to step in and say, hey, you're about to make a really big mistake here, you know, of course.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, what causes so much friction between kids and parents is any unconscious needs or wounds that the parent is not aware of that they're projecting onto the kid.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then the kid resists that, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: And as parents, it's our job to meet our kids where they're at.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, like, I think a lot of times we can make the mistake of being like, well, they need to do this or they need to understand this, or they need to do this thing around the house, or they need to not talk to me this way, or whatever it is.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this was, you know, more of the way that like we were parented and our parents were parented, where it was more like, you have to behave a certain way or else.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: And like this generation of kids is not buying that type of thing.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they're like, what are you talking about?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like my kids, I knew like they don't really get scared that much.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like they'll get upset if like Matt, especially, is really mad at them or something, but they don't get scared of us the same way, like that we got of our parents.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's a very different generation.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that they need to feel understood by us and they need to feel that we see them and we can be present and hold space for who they are without needing them to do anything differently than just what it is that they want and who it is that they are.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I think when we can look at our own ways that we are needing our kids to be a certain way because of our own trauma and let that go and just be there for who they are without judgment and without saying, like, well, you need to do life this way, then we get to have a really beautiful relationship with them.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's actually how we don't pass our trauma on to them because we address it.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: And simply by you addressing your own trauma, you won't pass it on to your kids.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids don't even have to know, even if your kids are older, because I've seen this with so many people, that once they address their stuff, their relationships with their kids completely change.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then your kids will not pass on that trauma because you have addressed it.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: The only way you will pass it on to them is if it's still not addressed and it's still in your unconscious.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it's in your unconscious, then you will be unconsciously making decisions, taking actions, and relating through that lens because it's not something that you're aware of yet.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how you pass it on.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can address it and become aware of it, then gradually you stop relating in that way through that lens and they don't take it on.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of like my synopsis.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been coming up so much.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I really wanted to address it, especially the kid thing, because you know, I think so many parents can make the mistake of like, well, my kid is having issues, so I'm just gonna put them in therapy.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, I hate to tell you, but if you're just gonna put your kid in therapy and you're not gonna do anything differently, nothing's gonna change.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your kid might have a good therapist and they might feel comfortable around them and it might be a good relationship and all of that.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: But for things to really change with your kid's behavior, it's for you to do the work and it's for you to go deeper into understanding what the message is that your kid is trying to tell you and how you can receive it, and then you can look at what it is within you that's causing this relational dynamic and shift it so that you're able to hold a much different space.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're able to be that present, safe space with no agenda.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when you can really fully be that, not just intellectually, but like energetically, that's how you break the cycle and that's how your relationship with your kids will really change.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: If this is resonating for you and you would like to chat with me more about it, about your specific situation with your kids, even if it's with your parent and you're older, that's also fine.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love this topic and I love diving in with people on how they can really create a change with this.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: So reach out to me if you'd like to chat more about it.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to hear your thoughts, your comments about it.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: So please reach out to me with that also.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sending you lots of love and I'll talk to you soon.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 21:51
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• 21:54
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• 21:59
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• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can stay connected with me by following me on Instagram at Elise underscore breeds.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you download my Clear Trauma Cheat Sheet at elisebreeds.com.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.