Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are in a Toxic Workplace
Transcript
- Lucas: So you're in a job where the culture is bad — maybe your manager gaslights you in one-on-ones, maybe you dread Sunday night because Monday morning feels like a punishment. And every career article you read says 'go find a mentor.' But the mentor you're supposed to find is inside that same toxic building. What do you do? Luna: That's the trap, right? You're told to build relationships with senior leaders in your own company, but what if those leaders are the ones enabling the toxicity, or worse, they're the source of it. Lucas: Exactly. And the standard advice — network internally, find a sponsor, get visibility — that advice assumes a healthy environment. In a toxic workplace, that advice can actually make you more of a target. So today I want to talk about a different playbook: finding a mentor when your workplace is the problem, not just a speed bump. Luna: Let's start with a number. The Workplace Bullying Institute's 2024 survey found that 30 percent of American workers have experienced abusive conduct at work. That's roughly one in three people. Lucas: And that number is probably underreported. So if you're listening and thinking 'this sounds like my office' — you are not alone. The first piece of advice I want to give is counterintuitive: do not look for a mentor inside your company. Not yet. At least not as your primary source. Luna: That goes against every conventional career playbook. Why do you say that? Lucas: Because internal mentors in a toxic culture are rarely safe. They might feel obligated to defend the organization, or they might share your confidences with the wrong people. I've heard too many stories where someone confided in a senior mentor about a bad manager, and that mentor went straight to HR or the manager themselves. Luna: So you're saying the risk of exposure outweighs the benefit. Lucas: Exactly. Instead, your first mentor in a toxic situation should be someone completely outside your company. An industry peer at a different firm, a former colleague who left, even someone you meet at a conference or a professional association. The key is they have no loyalty to your employer. Luna: I had a listener — let's call her Priya — who was in a really toxic marketing department. Her boss took credit for her work and publicly blamed her for his mistakes. She felt stuck. She reached out to a woman she'd met at a conference two years earlier, someone she barely knew, and asked for a thirty-minute call. Lucas: What happened? Luna: That call turned into a monthly check-in. The mentor helped her see that she wasn't the problem — that the dynamic was genuinely dysfunctional. And within six months, Priya had a new job at that mentor's company. Lucas: That's a perfect example. The mentor gave her perspective and an exit. But notice: Priya didn't find this person through a formal program. She built a low-stakes connection long before she needed it. That's the second piece of advice: plant seeds before you're in crisis. Luna: But what if you're already deep in the toxicity? You don't have two years to build a network. Lucas: Then you need a faster approach. Look for industry-specific Slack communities, LinkedIn groups, or alumni networks from your university. Post something like, 'I'm a senior analyst in supply chain, looking to learn from others in the field.' You're not saying 'help me, I'm drowning.' You're saying 'I'm curious.' People respond to curiosity. Luna: And from those conversations, you can identify someone who seems emotionally intelligent and discreet. Lucas: Right. And when you do find that person, you need to vet them for psychological safety. Ask yourself: does this person listen without immediately problem-solving? Do they ask clarifying questions, or do they jump to 'you should quit'? A good mentor in a toxic situation helps you clarify your own thinking, they don't make decisions for you. Luna: There's also the question of what not to share with a mentor. You want to be open, but you also need to protect yourself. Lucas: Absolutely. That's the third piece: use the mentor as a sounding board for your skills and your next move, not as a therapist for every office slight. Focus the conversation on your professional growth and your options. If you spend the whole time venting, you're not using the mentor relationship strategically, and you might scare off a good mentor. Luna: So structure the conversation around 'here's where I want to go, here's what I'm learning, what am I missing?' rather than 'here's what my boss did this week.' Lucas: Exactly. And here's a subtle but important point: a mentor from outside your company can also help you calibrate what's normal. When you're in a toxic environment, your sense of reality gets warped. You start to think 'maybe this is how all workplaces are.' An external mentor can say, 'No, that's not normal. In healthy teams, that doesn't happen.' Luna: That reality check can be invaluable. I've had that experience myself — a mentor told me 'the fact that you're crying in the bathroom every week is not a sign you're weak, it's a sign the environment is wrong for you.' That changed everything. Lucas: And once you have that clarity, the mentor can help you plan your exit. They can review your resume, introduce you to people in their network, even flag job openings before they're public. That's the real power of an external mentor in a toxic situation — they become your bridge out. Luna: So the strategy is: find someone outside, vet them for safety, use them for perspective and exit planning, and protect your confidences. Lucas: That's the framework. One more thing though: sometimes the mentor relationship itself can become toxic. If a mentor is dismissive, pushes you too hard, or breaches your trust — you can end it. You don't owe them anything. Your safety comes first. Luna: And on that note, I think this is a good place to mention something. If this podcast has helped you — maybe you've used an idea from an episode to navigate a tough career situation — it really does make a difference when listeners support the show. A couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going. You can find that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, and we keep the show ad-free because of that support. So if you've gotten value from episodes like this one, it's a small way to give back. Now, back to the topic: one practical takeaway I want everyone to walk away with. Luna: I'm listening. Lucas: Identify one person outside your current organization who can give you an honest read on your workplace. It could be a former boss, a peer who left, a connection from a professional group. Reach out this week — not asking for a job, just asking for a conversation. Say 'I'd love to hear your perspective on the industry.' That one conversation might give you the clarity you need. Luna: And if you're in a truly toxic situation, that conversation could be the first step toward getting out. Because you don't have to stay. There are better workplaces, and there are people who will help you find them. Lucas: And that's really the core message of this episode. Mentorship in a toxic environment isn't about climbing the ladder — it's about building a lifeline to something healthier. Find your external anchor, trust your instincts, and remember that a bad job is not a life sentence. Luna: Well said. Thanks for being here, everyone. We'll be back next episode with another topic you didn't know you needed. Lucas: Take care of yourselves.