Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 135: 10 Tips for Navigating Political Differences During the Holidays

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135: 10 Tips for Navigating Political Differences During the Holidays · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:27
  And if you've been following me for awhile, you know, that we're currently going through a renovation.
• 0:31
  In fact, I was wondering if I'd be able to record it or house or not, because there's a lot of work going on upstairs.
• 0:37
  I am currently in our downstairs apartments, so if you're watching from YouTube, you will see this adorable wallpaper.
• 0:44
  This is in the downstairs apartment where my two oldest are living and they absolutely love this wallpaper.
• 0:50
  And so do I, so that's going to be staying, but we're renovating quite a bit of the rest of the home.
• 0:55
  So.
• 0:56
  When you hear noises like that.
• 0:58
  That's because they're working on the upstairs.
• 1:00
  Um, but I still want it to really put out some content here for a you to, listen to it, to really help to support you through the holidays.
• 1:08
  After today, the flooring should officially be finished.
• 1:12
  And so it''ll be a lot quieter here and I'll have a lot more time and space.
• 1:15
  And because of that, I also want to let you know I'm going to be increasing my availability to accommodate more people on my wait list.
• 1:24
  My client load usually increases around the holidays because it just seems like we all have a lot more to work through.
• 1:31
  Throughout the holidays.
• 1:32
  But this year, we have some added layers to the holidays and that includes the recent presidential election.
• 1:40
  Even if you were listing from outside of the us, I am sure that you have heard about the United States presidential election and yes, there is always division.
• 1:49
  Around this time of year with roughly half of the U S voting differently.
• 1:53
  But this particular election has felt even more divisive than any election before.
• 1:59
  I do try to refrain from politics to make this just a safe space for everybody here on the podcast and in my coaching.
• 2:05
  But I just want to reinforce that this is a safe space for everyone.
• 2:10
  Regardless of how you voted, who you love your citizenship status and what it is you choose to do with your body.
• 2:16
  You are safe here.
• 2:18
  And it is never my place or anyone else's to tell you what you should or shouldn't do what you should or shouldn't believe.
• 2:24
  My only job is to love you and to help you to make the best decisions for you.
• 2:29
  And I really pride myself on creating a safe space for everybody.
• 2:35
  I also want to remind you a little bit about how the human brain works.
• 2:39
  As we've talked about here on the podcast before human brains, they want to be right.
• 2:43
  Even more than they want to be happy and wanting to be right is simply just our default setting in our brain.
• 2:50
  And when that is already our tendency to prioritize being right, then when you sprinkle in a little bit of political division, then it can create a significant amount of tension in relationships.
• 3:02
  In fact, as soon as the results of this last election were announced, I started seeing an uptick in the ending of relationships.
• 3:08
  This is in romantic relationships, so you can look it up.
• 3:11
  There's actually been an increase in divorces since the election.
• 3:15
  there's also been a lot of family that have been uninvited to Thanksgiving and Christmas get togethers because of this election.
• 3:22
  And I've also seen an increase in posts saying, Hey, if you voted for so-and-so unfriend me, you have no place in my circle.
• 3:29
  I've also seen a lot of fear.
• 3:31
  There's fear around.
• 3:33
  If somebody will be able to get the medical care that they need if they're facing a pregnancy with complications.
• 3:38
  I've seen a lot of fear around what's going to be happening financially when things already feel so expensive.
• 3:44
  And people are just a little uncertain as to what that's going to look like.
• 3:47
  I've also seen a lot of fear around a potential increase in hate crimes towards minorities.
• 3:53
  There's just a lot coming up for people right now.
• 3:56
  So, how do you navigate it when people that you're close to people that you usually break bread with over the holidays, what happens when you think and feel and believe and experience the world differently from the person across the table from you?
• 4:11
  This election, it feels very personal for a lot of people.
• 4:16
  Now, as I said earlier, I'm never going to tell you what it is that you should think or feel.
• 4:20
  I'm not going to tell you what you should do.
• 4:21
  Only, you know, what it is that you should do.
• 4:24
  And it may be true for you that there are individuals in your life where it is best for you and your mental and emotional wellbeing for you to sever all ties and to go no contact.
• 4:35
  And if so, I support you in that.
• 4:36
  Only, you know, what is best for you?
• 4:39
  But for today, we're talking about how to navigate it when you voted differently from someone, but you still want to maintain a relationship with them.
• 4:48
  So maybe you voted differently from your parent or your child maybe voted differently from your partner, from your friend, from your work bestie, and you don't want to cut these people off completely, but you also are not sure how to navigate things moving forward, knowing that you view the world through these very different lenses.
• 5:07
  So if this is you.
• 5:09
  Then I want to offer up 10 tips to help to support you throughout the holidays.
• 5:13
  And as you engage in political conversations, now a few of these come from me.
• 5:18
  A few of these come from an article I read that was very helpful.
• 5:20
  I will link that in the show notes, but here's 10 things that will hopefully help you.
• 5:24
  And even if you pick just one of these to work on, I hope you find it to be supportive.
• 5:29
  All right.
• 5:30
  Number one.
• 5:30
  Know that your brain has the default setting of wanting to be right more than it wants to be happy.
• 5:36
  And guess what their brain has the same default settings.
• 5:40
  It is our primal default setting in order to keep us safe and to help us to avoid any discomfort for us to want to be right.
• 5:48
  We think being right will keep us safe.
• 5:51
  But oftentimes pushing to be right means actually creating even more conflict and it doesn't really create the safety that we're seeking.
• 5:59
  But when both parties are focused more on being right than actually understanding each other, Then that really creates a significant amount of conflict.
• 6:08
  So just recognize that your brain is going to be prioritizing being right and challenge that default setting.
• 6:14
  When you notice it coming up, challenge that setting and combat it with a little bit of curiosity for both you and the other person get curious about why is it that they believe what it is that they believe and what else might be true?
• 6:27
  It might help you to bridge those gaps a little bit.
• 6:30
  All right.
• 6:30
  Number two, do the emotional work needed to identify what it is that you need.
• 6:37
  Coaching can be great for identifying needs.
• 6:39
  In fact, I highly recommend coaching for identifying needs.
• 6:42
  Oftentimes, especially this population.
• 6:44
  We're very good at identifying what it is that other people need, but we struggle to identify what it is that we personally need.
• 6:50
  So I encourage you to identify what it is that you need and then work to be proactive about filling that need for yourself.
• 6:58
  For example, maybe you need to put into place, either a spoken or an unspoken boundary.
• 7:03
  Maybe you need time and space to feel and to process.
• 7:06
  Maybe you need time and space with other people that think and feel the same way as you, and to feel in process and that space, when you're able to identify what your needs are, then your brain is more likely to be able to help you to figure out how to get those needs met versus remaining in that discomfort and remaining in upset.
• 7:24
  It also helps you to be more proactive about filling them for yourself when you're unable to identify and articulate your need it's significantly more likely that you're going to be expecting other people to fulfill your need for you, but then they're just taking shots in the dark and it's less likely that they will be able to show up for you in the way that you need.
• 7:41
  Versus if you're able to actually articulate, Hey, this is what it is that I need.
• 7:45
  Can you help me with this?
• 7:47
  All right.
• 7:47
  Number three, plan ahead.
• 7:50
  You probably already have a pretty good idea about what topics are going to be coming up at your Thanksgiving table.
• 7:57
  So plan ahead and decide how it is that you want to navigate that there are countless ways to do that.
• 8:02
  Here's just a few ideas.
• 8:03
  Pick one or two that might work for you.
• 8:05
  So maybe you want to ahead of time, come up with some other less confrontational subjects to discuss and plan ahead of time for that take control of the direction that the conversation is going.
• 8:18
  So maybe you want to be proactive about coming up with political topics that you both agree on, or maybe you want to only keep things superficial.
• 8:25
  And talk about the Turkey or their new hairstyle.
• 8:28
  You get to choose how it is that you want to engage, but remember that you are the thermostat K be the thermostat set the tone versus being the thermometer that goes in saying, okay, how are we feeling today?
• 8:40
  And matching their energy.
• 8:42
  You take charge and decide how it is that you want to show up.
• 8:45
  So again, you can come up with some other topics to discuss, or maybe you want to fill that space with activities like some silly games or some crafts or caroling or football.
• 8:55
  But it's usually in those quiet spaces when the brain starts to get busy.
• 8:59
  So having some activities in place and having a schedule of events can really help to minimize any of those.
• 9:05
  Um, conflicting conversations.
• 9:08
  Also plan ahead to take breaks as needed.
• 9:11
  So maybe you decide that if politics come up, that that's when I'm going to excuse myself to go and take my Turkey nap or to go for a walk.
• 9:20
  That I'm going to excuse myself.
• 9:21
  Maybe I'm going to go into another room and talk with another family member and just take a little break for a minute, but plan ahead about what you were going to do.
• 9:29
  If it comes up.
• 9:31
  You might also choose to just be proactive and say, Hey, I know that we don't agree on politics.
• 9:36
  And I would really like for today to be connective.
• 9:38
  So instead of talking about politics, I would love to hear what your favorite holiday was like growing up.
• 9:45
  And be proactive about turning the conversation.
• 9:49
  All right.
• 9:50
  Number four, assume the best.
• 9:52
  It is really easy to dismiss someone when we know that they have voted differently from us.
• 9:59
  And it can also be easy when we're feeling a lot of emotions to assume that they did that in direct opposition to us.
• 10:07
  And maybe they did vote in direct opposition to us, or maybe they were actually voting due to a different policy that they feel passionately about but we're assuming why they voted the way that they voted.
• 10:18
  And so just assume the best in them and assume that they have a good reason and be willing to talk about it that can really help to open doors of communication.
• 10:26
  Right.
• 10:27
  Number five, focus on the people, not the politics.
• 10:31
  When we work to build those relationships of trust before introducing politics that can really help those conversations to go a lot more smoothly around the holidays that's often when we're seeing relatives that we maybe only see once a year.
• 10:45
  And so really focus on building those relationships before introducing politics into the conversation.
• 10:51
  And this can work to really humanize both sides of the argument so that you can actually address those bigger issues.
• 10:59
  And additionally, don't take their comments.
• 11:02
  So personally, while what they're saying may be about you.
• 11:06
  It might not actually be about you.
• 11:08
  They might have their own experiences that they are choosing to address through that particular lens.
• 11:13
  And so ask them their why.
• 11:15
  Ask them, why are you so passionate about this?
• 11:17
  How does this impact you directly and then be willing to share with them your personal experiences as well, why you believe differently?
• 11:26
  How this impacts you personally, or maybe you even want to offer up some relatable hypothetical situations that you could address the issue through.
• 11:35
  All right.
• 11:36
  Number six, find common ground.
• 11:39
  This looks like bonding over less polarizing issues.
• 11:41
  Right?
• 11:42
  It's putting you on the same side of the line.
• 11:44
  So you're on the same side of a boundary line, rather than on opposite sides of a battle line.
• 11:49
  Put yourselves on the same side of the line.
• 11:51
  You can bond over less polarizing issues.
• 11:53
  You can be open to listening to understand I believe it was Stephen Covey that said seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
• 12:01
  That can be very helpful.
• 12:03
  When someone feels truly heard, it tends to make them more receptive to hearing you as well.
• 12:08
  So ask some questions to gain some information.
• 12:11
  This can help them to let their guard down so you can have more.
• 12:15
  Constructive conversations.\ All right.
• 12:18
  Number seven, stick to the facts to avoid confrontation.
• 12:23
  If you're feeling, especially emotionally charged, it can be hard to not get sucked in and to not escalate issues.
• 12:31
  So try hard to just focus on the facts.
• 12:33
  And I think focusing on the facts, it helps us to be a little bit more removed so that we can talk about the actual issues.
• 12:40
  When we don't have our facts in place, then we're just going off of emotion.
• 12:44
  And then people tend to think in the back of their minds, this is all subconscious.
• 12:47
  They don't know they're doing this, but they think if I can just be louder and more aggressive in my verbiage, Then that means I'll be right.
• 12:54
  So take the time to challenge your own thinking and ask yourself why is it that I believe the way that I believe, what facts do I have to base this opinion on.
• 13:04
  And come prepared to the conversation to have an actual dialogue.
• 13:08
  Back up your opinions with evidence.
• 13:10
  Okay.
• 13:11
  And limit your emotions.
• 13:12
  If you notice you're getting emotional.
• 13:14
  If you notice things are getting heated, take some time for you.
• 13:17
  That's when you're taking that walk or taking that nap.
• 13:20
  But take some time for you so that you can manage your own emotions.
• 13:24
  We'd like to think that other people should be in charge of our emotions and that they should be the ones to manage and regulate and make sure we don't get upset, but that's our responsibility.
• 13:34
  So notice when you're getting activated and do what it is that you need to do in order to find that peace.
• 13:41
  It can also be helpful to just know, we all know that there's a few words that are a little bit more confrontational than others.
• 13:49
  And so be sure to avoid any labeling and avoid any of those really confrontational words.
• 13:56
  It can be really easy to get emotional about certain issues.
• 13:59
  And I totally get it because I do the same thing.
• 14:02
  I'm pretty passionate about a lot of things, but I have found that focusing on the facts, it really helps me with my communication.
• 14:09
  And if somebody asks me why it is that I believe that I do, I can tell them how an issue impacts me directly without getting super riled up.
• 14:16
  But talking about the facts of an issue, it really helps me to stay focused and not get derailed when somebody has a different view.
• 14:24
  And it encourages me to do my own homework so that I'm not just doing things because I feel like it, but I really thought things through.
• 14:32
  All right.
• 14:32
  Number eight, be an advocate for what you do want rather than an opponent for what you don't want.
• 14:39
  Share what it is that you do support versus what you don't.
• 14:43
  It can be really tempting when you're having these conversations.
• 14:46
  To just label somebody and to say, well, I don't like that person just because I don't like that person.
• 14:53
  But to get really clear on these are the things that I do like this is what I'm choosing to focus on.
• 14:58
  These are the qualities I look for in a leader.
• 15:00
  This is what I'm seeking out.
• 15:02
  It feels a lot different than these are the qualities that I don't like.
• 15:05
  And I just dislike everything that, that whole party is doing.
• 15:08
  But you can really focus on.
• 15:10
  Okay.
• 15:10
  What are the things that I really truly do believe?
• 15:12
  And what are the things I do want to be an advocate for?
• 15:16
  All right.
• 15:16
  Number nine, pick your battles.
• 15:19
  Now, this really means taking some time to reflect on what is it that is truly important to you.
• 15:25
  And prioritizing that.
• 15:26
  So maybe you want to choose to focus on local politics instead of national politics, because that just feels a bit better and that feels a bit more focused.
• 15:35
  And like you can navigate that a bit easier than choose to focus on that.
• 15:39
  Maybe you want to choose to focus on policy instead of party to avoid any of those hot button issues and really talk about the real issues, but get clear on what battle it is that you are choosing to face.
• 15:52
  And that leads into number 10 is be clear.
• 15:54
  On what it is that you are choosing.
• 15:57
  For example, be honest with yourself.
• 16:00
  Right now, I'm choosing to fight.
• 16:02
  Right now I'm choosing to remain silent right now.
• 16:06
  I'm choosing to distract myself with something else and not address this right now.
• 16:11
  I'm choosing to focus on relationships instead of politics.
• 16:14
  Be really clear on what it is that you are choosing and that will help you to see what it is that you are personally creating.
• 16:22
  When we get riled up, it's easy to say, Hey, this is all your fault, but take personal accountability for what was it that I was choosing to do in that moment.
• 16:31
  And then you can be more accountable for how it is that you're showing up and what was created.
• 16:35
  And that can also help.
• 16:36
  To, show you what things you do have control over because you don't have control over other people.
• 16:40
  You don't have control over how they think, how they feel, how they voted, what it is that they're passionate about.
• 16:46
  You don't get to control that, but you can control yourself and just be really honest with yourself about what it is that you are choosing and how it is that you want to show up.
• 16:55
  When we were really clear on the fact that we do in fact, have a choice in the matter, then it really helps us to stand in that more empowered space.
• 17:02
  Rather than feeling victimized by others, which is really what we all want.
• 17:06
  We all want to feel empowered.
• 17:08
  Right.
• 17:08
  So that's one simple way to do that is really focusing on what is it that I am choosing to do in this moment and finding peace in that.
• 17:15
  That yes, in this moment, this is what's most important for me and this is how I'm going to choose to navigate that.
• 17:21
  All right.
• 17:21
  So those are my 10 tips.
• 17:23
  If you need more support, come and work with me.
• 17:26
  If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like it is best for you personally, to sever ties in a certain relationship, come and work with me.
• 17:35
  Maybe you are finding yourself in a situation where you do feel very differently, but you want to maintain relationship and you don't know how, come and work with me.
• 17:45
  Again, I have increased my availability to accommodate a higher than average need at this time.
• 17:50
  So come and work with me.
• 17:52
  I would love to work with you.
• 17:54
  All right.
• 17:55
  I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and let's talk soon.
• 17:57
  Bye now.