Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / You Are Not Too Much: Reclaiming All of You in Love, Divorce, and Beyond

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You Are Not Too Much: Reclaiming All of You in Love, Divorce, and Beyond · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, all about you are not too much.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: You are not too much, reclaiming you in relationships, divorce, life, love and beyond.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna start with a story.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Some time ago I bought these magnificently beautiful handmade earrings online from Wearable Art for Ears.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll drop the link in the show notes.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I bought them on a whim.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when they arrived, there was a little voice in my head questioning, mmm, perhaps they're a bit too much, maybe they're a little bit over the top.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And following that voice almost instantly was a knowing and a real no, no, they're not too much, they're actually perfect, they are exactly what I want, exactly what I need.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: They are perfect and they are not too much.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am not too much.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Wearing them does not make me too much, and I share that story because we aren't too much.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not too much, you're not too much.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Owning and acknowledging your desires, asking for what you want, what you need, what you crave, what you dream of does not make you demanding.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It does does not mean you are asking too much, it does not mean you are too much, and this is messaging that I have received in my personal life and that I've coached clients through.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is pervasive messaging.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I know that I'm demanding, I know that I'm someone who expects a lot, I know that I'm high maintenance, that I'm emotional, that I'm passionate, and I've been described as all of this and more, and I am more than okay with being all of that.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with asking for what I want.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with having high standards and expect expectations of people, of my relationships, of my connections.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with expecting to be seen and heard and met and equal.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm okay with putting out there what I want, what I need, what I expect, what I desire, what I dream of.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm okay with communicating those needs, and I'm getting better at doing it with grace.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Hand on heart, work in progress, but I am getting better, I am better at communicating my needs with compassion, kindness, grace.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've never really been one who is comfortable silencing myself, but I also wasn't always confident my voice would be heard.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we could delve into the psychology of that family of origin stuff, etc.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: etc.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I wasn't always confident that my voice would be heard or great at calmly communicating my needs.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Again, work in progress, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I did used to hold back a little.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to be too loud or too opinionated or too demanding or take up too much space.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Again, child, family of origin, childhood wounding stuff, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Early life experiences.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, as I said earlier, that messaging is pervasive.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's what we've been taught as girls and as women that we shouldn't be to anything.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: We should be good, we should be good girls.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the flip side of this messaging, this conditioning is really clear, and that is if we were honest and spoke our truth, expressed our desires, if we took up the space, if we were loud and demanding and had high expectations, we wouldn't be nice or good or acceptable.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or let's get really honest here, we wouldn't be desirable, we'd be too much.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe, maybe you find yourself holding back, maybe you find yourself keeping parts of you small, hiding or minimizing parts of you, shadow or darker parts of you that you'd maybe rather not bring to the surface, or parts of you that you think are too much, that won't be accepted, that aren't nice and good, acceptable, that aren't desirable, silencing parts of who you are, and maybe that is to avoid being labelled as demanding and high maintenance or too much, because many of us have been told by society, family of origin, perhaps by past or even current partners, even by ourselves, that wanting more, needing more, or simply showing up and being your full authentic self, bringing in being all of you is too much.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's a little bit scary for ourselves as well as others.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping into that unknown of being too much.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that if we really truly honoured and brought all of ourselves to the light and to our relationships, we'd be labelled demanding or having high expectations or being high maintenance or being hard work.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: So these messages, whether they're spoken openly, spoken outright, or subtly or not so subtly implied, are designed to make us doubt ourselves, to question ourselves, to question the validity of our needs and to keep us small.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: They aim to shrink us, convincing us to silence ourselves, quiet our needs, dial ourselves down.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this settling, this silencing, this minimizing, leaving parts of ourselves behind or squashing them down, fitting ourselves into the box of not too much, that holding back, sacrificing, sabotaging, staying quiet even to our own selves, minimizing our desires, our needs, expectations, wants, goals, hopes, dreams does damage.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It costs us.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're really honest, again, so many of us have been conditioned to stay small, to stay quiet, to be agreeable, to be nice and good, to avoid being labelled as hard work.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have learned to suppress our voice, ignore our needs, minimize our dreams, and this costs us.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: It costs a lot of energy, it's exhausting to keep shrinking yourself for the comfort of others.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it's an absolute fast track to disconnecting from ourselves and also to frustration, bitterness, resentment.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And again, here's the truth: you are not too much.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Asking for what you want, asking for what you need and dream of does not make you difficult.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean your expectations are too high or that your emotions are too much or too big.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Honoring your desires and owning your space is an act of power, and that kind of power can be unsettling and intimidating for others.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's disruptive and it feels uncomfortable, sometimes even uncomfortable for ourselves if it's a new experience.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Confident women who speak about their desires, who take up space and unapologetically claim what they want disrupt the status quo.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel intimidating, even threatening to others who are perhaps not used to that or dealing with their own insecurities, unaccustomed to us stepping into full strength.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be your family, that can be your partner, it can even be other women.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can't say it, dismiss, diminish, or push it down, projecting perhaps their discomfort as criticism, judgment, attempts to control, attempts to, as I said, push you back into the box, which is what those labels are all about, right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Too much, yes, I am.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am too much for you.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so you push me back into a box so that you feel comfortable.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when it comes to our relationships, taking up this space, claiming our voice, declaring desires can really shake our relationship to its core.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, yes, even break it.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking here about intimate partner relationships, but also think about family relationships too.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the relationship can't reorganize around this new version of you.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there is not space in that relationship for this new version of you, and that can actually be pretty scary to consider, but not living as fully you costs.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: It costs you.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to ask some questions.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is this you?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel or see yourself in any of this?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: You feel like you're continually, constantly settling for less than you think you you deserve or you're worthy of.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it'll be diminished or judged or mocked.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are not even sure you know what you want, but that where you are, what you have just isn't it.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel like you're stuck or you're losing pieces and parts of yourself to keep the peace, to maintain that status quo, to avoid conflict or con confrontation.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's out of fear of what will happen, fear of being judged or criticized or rejected.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been conditioned to prioritize other people, other people's needs above your own?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you always last on your own list?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And why is that?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that you feel guilty for wanting or needing more?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that you fear upsetting or disappointing other people?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that it just feels safer to stay quiet or small?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's just a pure habit.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a habit.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Silenc silencing yourself has just become second nature.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it is because you're afraid of being labelled too much.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or you've been told or shown repeatedly that you are asking for too much, your emotions are too much, your deep thinking is too much, that you are too much.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: That you've been told in overt and not so overt, subtle ways that you are too much.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if this hits home for you, I want to remind you of something powerful.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Owning all of who you are, your desires, your passions, your voice, your thoughts, your opinions, and letting all of that be visible is not only your birthright, but it is the key to creating the life and the love and the relationship you deeply crave.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: That connected, fulfilling, soul-aligned relationship you dream of is possible.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: The one where you don't have to surrender any part of yourself to have it.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible, and you need to bravely claim it.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also know that stepping into your power doesn't have to be that masculine, destructive, fierce power.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: It can be stepping into your fierce feminine, and that's a whole other podcast, right there, right?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaim your voice, your trust, deeply believe that you are worthy of being seen, heard, and fully loved, all of you.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping into your power doesn't have to mean embracing that masculine, destructive, loud, forceful type of energy, that masculine form or different definition of power that is rooted in control and force.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can mean stepping into your fierce feminine, reclaiming your voice, trusting yourself, trusting your inner knowing, your intuition, believing in it, and deeply believing that you are worthy of being seen, heard, and fully loved.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fierce feminine energy is both.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is both soft and strong, embodying that quiet but unshakable power.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the ability to lead with compassion and grace, to nurture, but to nurture ourselves first and hold firm boundaries.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's intuitive, it's magnetic, it's unapologetic, and it creates space for truth and really deep connection.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: So stepping into that form of power is a reclamation of your voice, of your worth, and your absolute right to take up space on your own terms.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So circling back, I want you to hear and I want you to embody and feel in your body that you are not too much.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: What small step can you take today to reclaim parts of yourself that you've pushed down, minimized, silenced, let go of?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are ready, or think you might be ready to lean in, to start leaning in, to stop shrinking and to start reclaiming your space, one-to-one coaching is super helpful in supporting you to do that.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: Together, we will create that pathway toward a life and a love and a relationship that sees holds and celebrates all of you.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: But it does take owning all of you, all of who we are, claiming our right to show all of ourselves and to bring our full selves to the party, to show up as the whole lot of women that we are to create or call in the relationship we are worthy of, the relationship that deep down we want to create for ourselves.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: So this is your invitation.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is your invitation to choose, to claim, and to be too much.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Too freaking much.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And circling right back to those earrings, nowadays I actively seek over-the-top, out there, too much earrings and wear them and love them and love all the messaging I get about them.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: People often comment on my over-the-top earrings.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's earrings or voice or space, whatever it is, one small step.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: What is one small step you can take towards owning all of you being too much, being all of you?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Wear the damn earrings.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this is supportive and helpful.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone that would find it supportive and helpful, please share it.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until then