Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 450. Rejection: 5 Habits That Create A Marriage Where Intimacy Is Wanted, NOT Avoided.

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450. Rejection: 5 Habits That Create A Marriage Where Intimacy Is Wanted, NOT Avoided. · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: You are listening to the Ultimate Intestine podcast, where we discuss how to fight Ultimate Intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: We believe that no matter how many years you have been married, you can fight passion, happiness, and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nig and Amy, and today's episode we're gonna do on well I did it we did on rejection.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Rejection.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's favorite topic.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: Goes both ways.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: We did a video, what I did a video what a little while ago that kind of went viral.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: I think it like almost hit a million.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I don't have social media, so I have I have to ask Amy how the video did.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: I have no idea.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: At the time post of him.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Amy's like, oh, we had this post go viral.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what post?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: What posts?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: No, we make the videos together.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: He just doesn't know when I post them, who makes horrible comments, who makes good comments.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, I have no idea.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It gives him much anxiety and but um apparently it went a little viral.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think all the women loved it.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And okay, okay.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: I think the women loved it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And it was on the five reasons that my wife Amy never rejects me.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: So uh they must work.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: Let me verify never.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: We did put never on the post.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: I can't say that I never said, hey, how about tomorrow night instead?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like we are married, like there are some nights where I'm just like I the when I think of rejection, I think of like, ew, no, don't touch me tonight.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: Do you know what I mean?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like I try if if there's ever a night, which I hardly try to say no, because number one, yeah, the emotional intimacy is good in our marriage.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: We work really hard on that.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_03: I you know, I mean it's okay to reject.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, look at this at 50 years old, like, why would you want to reject this?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's okay to reject, but it's how you do it, right?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: But what I did say in a lot of the comments was I don't have to reject because he's awesome enough to like read the room.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: If I'm not feeling it, like most of the time he's respectful and doesn't even go there.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I feel you're pretty good at like if I make, oh, I just started my you know the monthly, or there's certain things or I'm exhausted tonight.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_03: Like, if I make a certain comment, like he's not even gonna try to initiate.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_03: He's good at reading the room.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm complimenting you.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I I don't have to read a lot of men don't even pay attention.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, tonight, tonight, and she's like, Are you even like know what's going on in my life?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Do you not know that I just got in a car accident tonight?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and I'm in the hospital.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, it's uh no, but that's how we as men are, me and me included.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm I'm totally not like that.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, sometimes I'm totally oblivious.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: Anyways, the the video is on rejection, and we're gonna share the five things that Nick does that said I never reject him.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, like I try to because he's so great, and this and it wasn't always like this.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's for sure.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's for sure.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: I am uh he's gotten he's he's he's learned these things over the last 10 years.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: So I try never to reject you before that either.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: I know that intimacy is really important, that's why we literally try to do what we do.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we have an ultimate intimacy, yeah.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: That's why, yeah, like I yeah, this is like a big long topic.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: Hopefully, no one gets mad at us.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: Please realize it's a 30-minute episode, we can't dive into anything.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: Disclaimer, we know that you good emotional intimacy comes first.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: We have episodes on that before we jump into this, but I think we're gonna talk about kind of why these are such great things.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: And if husbands, yeah, we're kind of talking to the husbands today.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: Wives, you are gonna hopefully you're like, yes, yes, yes, the I totally agree with all those things.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: But husbands, if you want more intimate marriage from having better emotional connection, like and you want the rejection to stop, just just give this episode a chance, right?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I must admit, by the time this airs, I will hook turn 50.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: So uh having said that, this video?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, this video uh was several months ago.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: So you were so young.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, yeah, I was so young back then.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember what I talked about back then.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: You don't remember what you were talking about.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: If I need to go I I do remember some, so if Amy has to help me out a little bit, you're like, Nick did a video and he doesn't even remember what five things he talked about.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm 50.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: I a year ago I had my whole life ahead of me.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: And now you know what'd be really cool is if some of our listeners that actually like really like us maybe want to write us a little email and say, Happy birthday, Nick! It's 50's okay.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_03: You're still cool.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: Your wife still wants you.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's good.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's that's true.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: Anyways, that'd be pretty cool if your inbox got flooded with like happy birthday, Nick.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: Anyways.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, oh, I mean, so yeah, I was kind of reminiscing.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like, I feel pretty good for 50.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I have the interesting thing is I have more hair at 50 than I had at 49 or 48.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: That happened.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know what's going on, but uh I I feel like Benjamin Button.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm turning back the time, and 10 years from now, Amy's gonna be like, dang, look at that pool, look at that guy out there cleaning the pool with that six-pack.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: He got a hair transplant.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: FYI.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's the art.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, they did.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, um, anyways, should we jump in?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Let's jump in.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we've put enough time.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_03: I've heard about the six-pack thing for so many years, that's definitely not gonna happen.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm not gonna get my my hopes up on that one.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: But that's all right, still love you.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's unconditional.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: We'll post an Instagram video when that happens.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um, anyways, yeah.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so the title of this is Why My Wife Never Rejects Me.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: Never, as in.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: He doesn't.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, maybe that should be number one is you don't really ask when you read the room and you know that it's the wrong time.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it'll be the six.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, number one.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, as of today, as of today, I read the room.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: You always have.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: You're good at that for the most part.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_03: Except for m except for last month ago.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: Except for a month.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Except for a month ago, you're like, Except for Monday.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_03: Monday, well, yeah, it was like the anniversary of my dad's death, and you like had no.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: I have to and I told him after, and he's like, want to make love, and I didn't deny him in any way, but I'm like, it's not a happy day.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I will admit I felt bad, I totally forgot.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, think of my friend that I don't even talk too much, texted me, and it's fine.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm no hard feelings.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I let uh it's fine.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: We're at a stage in life where I'm like, it's fine.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's not like it's fine.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's I still want to make love of you.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: I love you, so it's fine.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, all right, number one, um uh Amy is not my mother, and I don't expect her to be my mother.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: So that means I you know clean up after myself.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: If I see dishes in the sink, I don't assume that's her responsibility.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, if I see laundry, um, I'll just walk in the laundry room and be like, oh, it looks like some things need to be done, and I'll fold laundry.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I I just in all honesty, I really try to look around and just see if something needs to be done.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like, oh, that needs to be done.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not it's not to try to, you know, get some later.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's not for getting points or anything.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like I and and I have not always been like this, but but I think again, that's expecting the why is that her responsibility?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: It just something that needs to be done.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so I try to do that.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I think some men are really good at that, others are maybe not so good at that.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: We're really bad.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: We're really bad at that.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was one of those guys that used to be pretty bad at that.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: So instead of you just saying what you do and be like, you should do this, I just want to expand on each of these, like why so many, these are like the top things that we've done polls on with that women want more of in their marriage, and that's why we made this video because I'm like, gosh, you know what?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's like we took like the top five or six, and I'm like, those are literally what Nick does, and this is why it makes a difference.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: So after you share like what that is, like I want to say why that's emotionally connecting.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and you shouldn't have expectations like, oh my heck, if I do this, I'm gonna be expecting the guests some deny, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And you should be doing it just because those are things that need to be done.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, if you live in the house and eat in the house, like clean up yourself, you know, you wear clothes, like those are part of it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: I think what's so great, and this will look different to every marriage.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: Some wives are stay-at-home moms, and they're like, This, I I want to do all this.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I'm over the meals, I'm over the like I'm good at every situation.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: It's gonna be different, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: When in our marriage now, there was a time where I was doing most of the working.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now we both, you know, try to split things up, and so then we have to split things up in the home.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: So it's not like a 50-50 kind of thing, it's a and a lot of like there's a lot of viral social media posts going on, like the fifth, their sixth lab language for women is not having to ask.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I completely agree with that.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like when a husband just reads the room and he's not like swiping on his phone while his wife, and there's nothing wrong with swiping on a phone, don't get me wrong.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just saying, like, when a wife is like going from here to here, and now she's wiping the counters and she's cleaning up after the kids, and the living room's a mess, and the sink is full of dishes, and the laundry hasn't been in a couple days, and it's starting to pile up.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: Like a husband, and it goes both ways.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Some wives don't do these things too, and a lot of husbands say they're the ones that do all this stuff.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I understand it's not like a man-woman thing, but like when one spouse is always doing everything and the other one's just kind of like watching, like that kills attraction so fast in marriage.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you're looking at stuff from like a 50-50 standpoint, or like I'm doing all the work or this and that, obviously you're not in a good place.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, I don't know how Amy feels, but for me, like when we get to a point where we just see something that needs to be done and do it, I don't longer look at like, oh, she's doing more or I'm doing more, or who's doing more.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It just becomes like we work together as a team, and if something needs to be done, we do it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't mean I'm always gonna, you know, read her mind and know exactly what needs to be done.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes Amy will say, Hey, uh, we need to do this.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh, perfect.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, right.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she'll point stuff out, or vice versa.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: In a nice way.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not, I try not to be a nager, but I'd be like, hey, you know, and this is kind of like my little hidden secret, but like we always try to, we're not super good at it all the time, but we try to get our kids involved on Saturdays so that chores become a family thing, right?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: And so, like, I don't want to feel like the mom or the only one that's like getting stuff done in the house.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like, that's not, I mean, if you're both working full-time, especially, like that's everyone's job is to kind of maintain the home, right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's why we kind of created that new U and I app that we launched with the Harmony Home Pager to get you talking about the mental load and all those things.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: But I just think it's really important for husbands to understand that when she does feel like your mom, it changes the relationship.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: We want to we want to feel like your passionate lover, that your best friend, like that you have that like sexual connection, that emotional connection.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: When we feel like we're constantly cleaning up after you, always taking care of you, like the last thing the mothering kind of relationship, that's such a turn off.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're not gonna want any knock and boots later.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna want anything.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: I just and and that's gonna I'm uh please don't come after us.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's gonna look different to every marriage.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: It depends on how how you handle it in your marriage, but if she's always always feeling like she's cleaning up, like if you can't put your shoes away or you can't pick up clothes off the floor, and like she just picks up after you like another toddler.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: I just promise you it's gonna change the dynamic a little bit, and not in a good way.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: So just be mindful of that.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: And that's why I a lot of women on this post commented like, these are literally golden.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like these five things.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: So we can move on.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: But well, and the sec the second thing is is I do this religiously.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: You hear us talk about this religiously, but we go out on date night at least once a week, and there's been occasions we've done it twice a week.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: And sometimes every other week we have something, it's it's not too good, it has to be, but no, but we we prioritize date night because that's how we fell in love.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: We had good conversations, we were having fun, laughing, enjoying each other, um, going out together.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's that might look different for every couple, depending on what stage of life you're in.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you have little kids at home, you can still plan an at-home date night.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right, there's still things you can do to spend time together, talk, show each other you care about each other, play games, whatever that may be.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the anytime a couple emails us, and we get emails all the time, any any issues they're having, one of the first things we typically ask is, Well, are you having date night?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Are you dating each other?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I can say 90% or more of the time, it's like, no, we don't date each other.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, how are you gonna stay connected and romantic and um desire each other if you're not dating each other?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: So 100%.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: And there are a lot of husbands that have made comments like, Why do I need to keep dating her?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: We're married because you fell in love by dating, but you stayed in love.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like every Friday night, like I'm like, let's get the heck out of the house together.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why would you not want to go out and date your spouse?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is crazy.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: Do you have some solid reason why not?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Please let us know so we can maybe we'll rethink things, but probably not.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: Um, okay.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: You said in the video, I just have it up because it's been a while, it was like six months ago.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: Um, you said number three is um you don't watch porn.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: And and and you listed the reasons why you don't, why it's harmful, why you don't want to look at other people.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: So I just well, I mean that's awesome.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I could sit and list a thousand reasons why I don't, but I just I don't.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think I've said this in other videos as well.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Too one of the things Amy and I have done is cut out like rated R movies, right?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want to put things in my mind that are gonna make me desire things or take my mind off Amy or things like that.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, yeah, I just I this is one thing in my life.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Luckily, I've never struggled with.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've tried to just keep things in my life to keep this away from me.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not sitting here saying I've never seen it.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, you you know, you're scrolling on Google or something and something pops up, but I've never actively gone out looking for it.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't look at it.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I I just feel like that's gonna just be detrimental to your marriage.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I think one of the reasons too is Amy and I have some pretty good friends that um have struggled with this, and I just look at their life and I see how every day their life is just not only their life, but just their marriage is like on survival mode of just trying to get through each day because of the effects that pornography has caused them in their lives.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: So um, me personally, I know other people think differently, but I would say for the most part, most Christians think that this is something that they do not want in their marriage.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want anything of it, part of it.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like it's going to be the plague that completely destroys relationships.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so yeah, that's just a choice I've made.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said, I my mind is clear, my mind is focused.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can focus everything on my wife and only have eyes for my wife.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: So um, for those listening that maybe a wife that has had a husband that struggles with it or is struggling with it, like we have, I don't want to get into this because it's not a pornography episode, but we have an amazing episode with therapist Austin, our favorite expert.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um, it's a little ways back, maybe a couple months, maybe a few months.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: But he does a really good job at giving people hope of how to get out of it.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: I think so.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_03: Um, how to find, you know, how just how to how to get it out of your like so many people say they struggle and struggle and they they get out and then they can't get out, and then they've stuck back in it, and then they just a constant struggle in the marriage.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's ripped their parent marriage apart, it's ripped their intimacy life apart.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: Like, he just has really good tips, and he can really be helpful to you if you need it.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and I want to make it very clear, uh, and I'm glad you said that, because I don't want to sound insensitive or or anything.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I know there's a lot of people struggling with this, and and I think that's one of the reasons why I've tried to shun it and keep it out of my life.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I literally do a lot of things in my life proactively to keep that out of my life.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: I really do.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like I put up, I put up barriers, I do things to keep that out because I've seen the devastating impacts of it.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I know my personality, I kind of have an addictive personality to where I I you know, whatever I do, like even in the past, whether it's golf or just different things, like I I kind of have an addictive personality, and knowing that, I know I need to be careful about certain things as well.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, I've just I've done everything in my life just to try to shun it and keep it completely out of my life.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so again, I don't want to sound insensitive.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: If you if it's something you struggle with, you can get help, you can overcome it.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, just there's things, there's things and people out there that can help you.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to, you know, if you're struggling with it, it doesn't mean you're a bad person at all in any way.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: You can get the help that you need if it's something you want to overcome, I guess.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_03: I do want to say though, it's very emotionally connecting to a wife that a husband runs turns and runs away from that.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I just want to say, like, that that's big for me.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: I I feel like it's cheating.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_03: And so we've had a lot of discussions in our marriage what this looks like between us.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: And so I I just wanted to add that that like having these discussions, being open with each other, being honest and vulnerable with each other, putting up boundaries together, like it's really attractive.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and what's kind of funny is like the other night, like we were watching a show and people were start were making out, and it doesn't it didn't show anything, but sometimes I'll fast forward stuff, and Amy's like, they're not even showing anything, they're just kissing.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: But but it's it's amazing how my my mind and my body is just really sensitive to that, um, just because I recognize like what those things can arouse, what type of feelings those can arouse, and things like that.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so, so again, I just you know, that's just one thing Amy and I have decided that um we don't want to ever have get into our marriage completely.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we put up walls and boundaries and do certain things to keep it out.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: I like that you said proactive.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: It's something you'd be very proactive.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you have to, you know what I mean?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: You you have to like you have to it's almost like people are shooting at you and you've got to take cover, you've gotta figure out ways to dodge those bolts because if you just kind of if you don't put up boundaries or be proactive, it there's a better chance that something's gonna get you.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's pornography or something.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I think we'll do another episode with Austin soon on the destructiveness of it and how to keep it out of your life if it is has not gotten you yet, right?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: So that it doesn't.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: Um, okay, and this one kind of leads into your number four that you said you don't have social media, and then you explained why.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you want to touch on that for a sec.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_03: And that I feel like this goes hand in hand with pornography because I feel like there's so at least people say, I don't I am pretty careful on there, so I don't see anything bad, but like I've heard that it's it could be a real trap, social media trap, to kind of start that whole thing.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think you know, I chose a while back, I chose I got rid of social media.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: I like at the beginning of our marriage, like we're talking 23 years ago.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like somehow I still have a Facebook page that I can't get rid of, but I haven't logged into it in probably 15, 20 years or whatever it's been.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, I just I just don't have the desire to have social media.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Again, this is just me.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, just not having the desire to have that.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I probably do waste my time in other areas that I probably shouldn't, like the news, just scrolling through the news and kind of seeing seeing what's up there.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: But uh yeah, like just not having social media um has been a great blessing for me and benefited me.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to, you know, worry about anything.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to think about anything.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to waste time on that.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, I'm guilty of having time wasters in other areas, no question.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: But um yeah, I I feel like it's been a really big blessing.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm not like against, I'm not all against social media.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's just really careful to set boundaries.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I I I I think it's attractive that you've chosen not to have it.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and this was my choice.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I I think that a lot of men struggle with I mean, it's just a fact that pornography comes at men a lot more.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: I think I think it's getting higher for women, but um that sometimes does start with social media.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, and you can't control what you see on there.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't know, that's attractive to me.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not saying that wives, husbands, like everyone needs to turn on social media.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not saying that at all.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just saying that that's attractive to me that doesn't, he doesn't want it, he doesn't want to spend time on it.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: Number one, but number two, like I I'm not against it.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: Just make sure you're talking and you're setting boundaries together.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_03: You're careful what you're seeing.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_03: Those algorithms are tricky, right?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I mean, other than our business account we have, yeah.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: That I run, yeah.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like I just I don't know, it is a time waster.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: So just be careful.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's attractive when your spouse like like really prioritizes your marriage over stuff that just doesn't matter.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: And so whatever that looks like in your marriage, I just I think a lot of women were like, oh my gosh, like that's so amazing.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: My husband spends so many hours on social media, and women do it too.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: I've I I I think it uh equally goes both ways, but picking your marriage perk.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Right, it's it's attractive.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: So if you see a social media account for me out there, you'll see I haven't posted or belong in years.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's not it's someone else.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said, I can't figure out how to get rid of the Facebook one.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: So okay, and then the last one that you listed was there is time for hobbies and golf after you put your marriage first.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's called balance, and you talked about that in the video.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, I think that's really important.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's kind of funny.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I just getting back to my addictive personalities.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: So we had this golf simulator place open up um in town like two months ago, and Amy's like, Oh, you should get a membership there.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: I went with my buddy and I'm like, Oh, I had so much fun, and I don't really play golf anymore, but it's something I really enjoy.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Oh, I went down and spent an hour or two and had a great time, played 36 holes, and it was a it was a blast.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_01: So, of course, Amy's like, oh, you should get a membership.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: I did.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: I was, I'm like, he needs a healthy hobby again.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I I'm I promote that.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I got a membership and it started turning into almost like I'm gonna go down every day for a couple hours.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: And uh coming back to my addictive behavior, because I'm like, Well, I can't, I can't, you know, go that much, obviously.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_03: My wife might have freaked out on after the second week, and I'm like, uh, that was more than that was more time than a round of golf on Saturday.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: That is true.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, but but getting to that is just like being being mindful and aware of like balancing those things out.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so now what's great is I like I'm you know, Amy has something on Wednesday, every Wednesday night, usually.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, oh okay, I'll go down Wednesday night while she's at her thing and you know, whatever, and trying to find that balance.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it is important to it is very important to have like you time and get away and do different things individually as couples.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's also important to find a balance in that.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: And it's really hard, like at our stage of life, when like your kids are super busy, the wives norm, we're kind of out because our kids drive now, most of them drive now, but like there's those stages where like the kids' lives are really busy in the evenings, but husbands work during the days or wife's, you know, everyone's working during the days and stuff.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't know.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's just it's you have to be super careful with the whole hobbies, extracurricular kind of stuff for as adults.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_03: It's important, but that balance can be really tricky because it's like we we watch in our area pickleball is kind of taking over the world in our area.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, and we're seeing marriages really struggle from it because it's so addictive.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, it's only an hour and a half, two hours a game, whatever games, but we at the very you know, when we first got into it, we were started seeing couples like in the evenings every night.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, little kids for better.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: Why why is the husband always gone every night?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_03: Like it just we just started noticing things, and we're like, I think this is really starting to hurt marriages.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like we're super ball, super big pickleball fans, but like you have to balance things out, and that's just communication and making sure that you know you're both on board, that there's a healthy balance, that you're I mean, I think that you should promote each other to go do fun things and get out once in a while, but just make sure you're like on the same page.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think you hit exactly what I was gonna say is it's just talking to each other.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: So, like another day when he was like, Oh my heck, you're going to this place every day.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: We hadn't talked about how often I would go before, right?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, I said, okay, let's let's talk.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what is good?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: And we kind of came to agreement like a couple times a week or so is you know, good, or things like that.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's it really is just that simple of sitting down and talking about it.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: If there's an issue, uh, don't just assume sit down, talk about it.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: Say, hey, what what do you feel comfortable with?
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where you kind of have the expectation set and the boundaries and things like that.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it really is just that simple about talking about things.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: And you both have to give and take a little bit, right?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like I would probably pick five nights a week, and I'd be like, oh, actually, I actually wouldn't pick five nights a week, but uh you did.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: But it was it was a newness thing, and newness wears off and my addictive personality.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: I, anyways, I I've I've been there with pickleball.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I get it.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: So it's it's definitely vulnerability.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_03: The reason I wanted to like kind of talk about this, and the whole point of the video was my wife never rejects me because of these things that I do.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's to summarize this all, it all comes back to um emotional connection.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: When the emotional connection, like picking your spouse over your phone, um, dating your spouse continually, like you know, just being more present.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_03: We talked with Austin on last Friday's episode about the whole sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, where that diction disconnection comes in, is about someone's not being present, either in the bedroom or out of the bedroom.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: And so these five things I just feel are like really attractive when you can tell your spouse is putting either husband or wife first over some of these things that builds teamwork and unity.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when your sex life really just becomes intimate, right?
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_03: And that's that's kind of like the cherry on top.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: We want everyone to have such a good emotional life that their intimate life just rocks, right?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's the point.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: Ultimate intimacy.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_03: So, anyways, hopefully, those are just some tips that Nick has.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: You don't have to do them.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_03: You could pick one, you could pick two, whatever.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: But I got a lot more tips than that.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: But putting social media just down or less hours or minutes, whatever, um, trying to stay away from things that cause temptation in your marriage, um, finding good balance with hobbies and all those things.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I just if you can just try a little bit harder on each of those, it just is really gonna help your intimate life and your emotional connection.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, totally agree.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and if you need some great products, we have a great sponsor, shop.ultimateintimacy.com.
• 27:37
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• 27:39
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• 27:42
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• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the products are incredible.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think I said that the products are incredible, the owners are less incredible.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, anyways, people know what it's like.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, babe.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah, if you need a good product, we have, if you're new to our podcast, card decks, intimate games, conversation starters, our new book, uh, let's talk about sex, card decks to get you talking about the emotional intimacy and the sexual intimacy if you're finding a disconnect there.
• 28:14
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• 28:19
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• 28:21
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• 28:23
  SPEAKER_03: Am I missing anything?
• 28:24
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• 28:27
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• 28:30
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• 28:33
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• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: We appreciate you.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to the podcast, and until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.