Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #233 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#233 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, we've got to play more. We've got to be
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  Speaker 2: in the moment more. This is the stuff that makes
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  Speaker 2: families happy, especially when families are struggling and going through
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  Speaker 2: some tough times.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Today this is doctor Justin Colson, A very very I'm
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  Speaker 2: so excited about today's podcast. I got some footage on
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  Speaker 2: my phone last night that I cannot wait to share
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  Speaker 2: of one of our six daughters. I'm the author of
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  Speaker 2: six books about raising happy families and the founder of
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  Speaker 2: happy Families dot com dot I'm here with Kylie, my wife,
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  Speaker 2: missus Happy Families, and I was going to say co
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  Speaker 2: founder of Happy Families, but I'm going to say co
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  Speaker 2: founder of the Happy co founder of our family. Hey, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: odd a better Tomorrow. It's our favorite segment of the week.
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  Speaker 2: This is where we reflect on what has gone on
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  Speaker 2: in the week and try to work out how we
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  Speaker 2: can be better parents tomorrow next week, can I play
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  Speaker 2: something for you? I recorded something at dinner last night
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  Speaker 2: and you weren't there when it happened. You walked in
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  Speaker 2: just at the end. Are you ready for this? It's
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  Speaker 2: so good? You're ready?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah? What's the face for?
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  Speaker 2: What's the matter? I like it? It's an oyster. Just
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  Speaker 2: swallow it. Okay, come on, look at me, show me
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  Speaker 2: swallow Come on, you can do it.
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  Speaker 3: Swallow it.
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  Speaker 2: I could eat it. Oh you didn't like it?
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  Speaker 3: What are you doing?
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  Speaker 2: Put it into words? Tell me what it tasted like?
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  Speaker 2: Like my boogers were made? Come up? I had so
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  Speaker 2: much fun. So I decided that we were going to
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  Speaker 2: We've bought some calamari and some fish and some chips
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  Speaker 2: for dinner last night, really really easy, trying not to
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  Speaker 2: get too involved in dinner and just making it easy
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  Speaker 2: as we could. And I thought, I'm gonna grab some oysters.
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  Speaker 2: The oysters looked really good and I don't have them
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  Speaker 2: very often, and I love oysters. And Ella, our seventeen
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  Speaker 2: year old, has never had one, and she said she'd
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  Speaker 2: try it. I'm impressed that she tried it.
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  Speaker 4: I'm forty plus years old and it's not not something
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  Speaker 4: I plan on trying ever.
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  Speaker 2: Did you hear the sound when she was trying to
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  Speaker 2: swallow it?
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  Speaker 3: She's like, oh, little bit, Well, if you saw the footage,
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  Speaker 3: like she's literally got her necked crane back as smart
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  Speaker 3: as she can, so it would just slide down and
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  Speaker 3: it wouldnturbody knows that this is not good.
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  Speaker 2: I love oysters. You don't, you're not really that into seafood.
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  Speaker 2: But I just thought, as we kick off our older
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  Speaker 2: Better Tomorrow and we talk about the highlights and the
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  Speaker 2: low lights of our week and what's gone well and
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  Speaker 2: what hasn't, I just had to play that for you.
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  Speaker 2: She's such a good sport and she let me feel.
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  Speaker 2: I wish I'd filmed it from the very beginning because
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  Speaker 2: when it first went into her mouth, what she was
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  Speaker 2: saying and doing them was just so good. We could
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  Speaker 2: talk for ages about getting kids to try new foods,
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  Speaker 2: even if you have to wait until they're seventeen. But
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  Speaker 2: that's not the purpose of today. That was just a
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  Speaker 2: little bit of lighthearted fun. Purpose of today is really simple,
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  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow. For those of you who are
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  Speaker 2: new to the podcast, every Friday, we talk about the
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  Speaker 2: stuff that's gone well, the stuff that hasn't, and how
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  Speaker 2: we can be more intentional in our parenting. As we
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  Speaker 2: move into the weekend and a brand new week. So Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: you said before we start, Oh, by the way, I
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  Speaker 2: should let everyone know we don't talk about what we're
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  Speaker 2: going to share before we record this podcast. It's totally news.
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  Speaker 2: But you said you wanted to go first today. All
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  Speaker 2: I've said is that I've got a good one. I've
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  Speaker 2: had a good experience that I want to reflect on.
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  Speaker 2: What about you? Why don't you kick us off?
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  Speaker 3: Well?
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  Speaker 4: I really needed that laugh to start things off because
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  Speaker 4: it's been a challenging week. We've got obviously six children,
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  Speaker 4: and there are so many different dynamics that we're dealing
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  Speaker 4: with on a regular basis. But at the moment, there's
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  Speaker 4: just one child that is just pushing my buttons.
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  Speaker 2: We have to make sure does not listen to this
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  Speaker 2: podcast because she's going to know who she is.
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  Speaker 4: It's interesting, as human beings how we have this ability
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  Speaker 4: to kind of collect all of the negative stuff that happens,
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  Speaker 4: and we're really good at collating this big list, and
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  Speaker 4: yet that list just keeps growing and growing, and all
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  Speaker 4: of the good things that happen seem to just pale
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  Speaker 4: into insignificance because for some reason we hold onto the
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  Speaker 4: negative stuff and it's so easy as a parent especially
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  Speaker 4: when you're having a child that's just challenging you a
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  Speaker 4: little bit. Consciously. We're so aware of all of the
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  Speaker 4: things that they're getting wrong or doing that just kind of,
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  Speaker 4: you know, drive us crazy that we actually lose sight
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  Speaker 4: of the positive moments.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a psychological phenomenon called the negativity bias, and
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  Speaker 2: it's been shown that as humans, we kind of hang
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  Speaker 2: on to the negative. I'll give you an example. You've
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  Speaker 2: got a bowl of cockroaches and there's a strawberry in
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  Speaker 2: the middle of it. Are you going to go near
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  Speaker 2: the strawberry? Of course not. But what if you've got
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  Speaker 2: a bowl of strawberries and there's just one cockroach in there?
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  Speaker 2: You're still going to stay away?
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  Speaker 4: Right?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I'm still going to say that doesn't
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  Speaker 2: matter how well you wash those strawberries, you don't want
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  Speaker 2: to touch them, just in case that one cockroach crawled
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  Speaker 2: over them. And that's the negativity bias at play. We
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  Speaker 2: noticed the bad and it becomes overwhelming, it becomes dominant,
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  Speaker 2: And you're saying that that's what's going on with this
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  Speaker 2: particular child of ours at the moment. She's her frustrations
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  Speaker 2: are becoming dominant in your narrative and your internal story
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  Speaker 2: about who she is.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and every morning I wake up and I think,
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  Speaker 4: you know, I've got this. I'm gonna be awesome. And
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  Speaker 4: she just seems to really really push some buttons at
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  Speaker 4: the moment. And so as I was reflecting on that,
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  Speaker 4: I had a really bad start to the day and
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  Speaker 4: just wanting so badly to connect with the mum I
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  Speaker 4: know I want to be and that I can be,
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  Speaker 4: I thought about this list that I mentally collecting of
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  Speaker 4: all of the misdemeanors and recognizing that while ever I
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  Speaker 4: continue to do that, I can't I can't be the
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  Speaker 4: mom that I need to be. And so one of
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  Speaker 4: the things that I have done for a very long
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  Speaker 4: time is I've kept a journal, and I decided that
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  Speaker 4: I needed to just go back and just read and
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  Speaker 4: reflect on some of the experiences that we've had. And
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  Speaker 4: obviously they're just day to day musings. There's no you know,
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  Speaker 4: this is the good stuff and this is the bad stuff.
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  Speaker 4: It's a mixture. But as I was able to do that,
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  Speaker 4: I actually picked up her journal that I have kept
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  Speaker 4: from when she was a little girl, and I opened
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  Speaker 4: up and I saw a picture of when she was born,
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  Speaker 4: and reconnected with the emotion that I had that moment
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  Speaker 4: that I met her for the very first time, and
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  Speaker 4: how much I loved her, and in that moment acknowledging
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  Speaker 4: that there was nothing that anyone could do that would
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  Speaker 4: change the way I felt about her, especially her, there
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  Speaker 4: was nothing she could do that could change that, and
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  Speaker 4: that in that moment, I knew that I would do
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  Speaker 4: whatever I could to protect her and keep her safe.
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  Speaker 4: And sometimes I'm the person she needs to be kept
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  Speaker 4: safe from because I get so caught up in things.
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  Speaker 4: And so I was really grateful for the opportunity that
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  Speaker 4: I had to reflect and to go back and was
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  Speaker 4: so grateful for all of the wonderful memories that I
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  Speaker 4: have collected over the years on paper that helped me
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  Speaker 4: to reconnect with just the amazing little person that she is.
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  Speaker 4: And hopefully tomorrow I can just be a little bit
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  Speaker 4: better because I've had the opportunity to do just that.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, all this afternoon, what your shared is really personal,
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  Speaker 2: and it's really hard to share that, especially on a
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  Speaker 2: podcast where we've got so many people listening. But I
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  Speaker 2: hope that that resonates with any parent who's felt so
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  Speaker 2: frustrated with a child who is just plain hard work,
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  Speaker 2: because sometimes they are. I really love what you've said
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  Speaker 2: there about reflecting on that moment where you first met her.
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  Speaker 2: Wouldn't it be amazing? Is if in that moment we're
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  Speaker 2: so frustrated with a child, we could reflect on that moment,
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  Speaker 2: if we could pull that love that we feel in
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  Speaker 2: our hearts in that special that's sacred time back into
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  Speaker 2: the here and now when they're anything but sacred, I
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  Speaker 2: think that we could probably do a much better job
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  Speaker 2: as parents. Thank you for sharing that. So the take
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  Speaker 2: home message for you from this conversation is what exactly.
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  Speaker 4: When things are really challenging, it's just important for us
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  Speaker 4: to take a step back and reflect. Hopefully, if we're
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  Speaker 4: a journal keeping person, we've got records that we can read,
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  Speaker 4: but if we don't, you know, opening up the photo
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  Speaker 4: album and just reflecting and enjoying and relishing those times
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  Speaker 4: where we've just enjoyed weed each other's space.
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  Speaker 2: Such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing your heart
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  Speaker 2: just now in just a second. I'll do better tomorrow continues.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: It's that Happy Families podcast.
• 9:12
  Speaker 5: Our screens creating tension at home, tweens, teens and screens
• 9:16
  Speaker 5: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: Bye Today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 9:28
  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants Answers Now, and today we
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: have been talking about some of our reflections on our
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: parenting this week.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: Trying to recover and find some tissues and cope with
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: the challenges that children put into our lives. Well, I
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  Speaker 2: kind of don't really want to share mine because I've
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  Speaker 2: had a really fun week with the kids for the
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  Speaker 2: most part. I've had a couple of moments, like we
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  Speaker 2: all do all the time, but it's been fun enough.
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  Speaker 2: To what you've shared, it just feels so it almost
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  Speaker 2: feels like I'm trampling over your heart. So I want
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  Speaker 2: to be really sensitive about it, but I do. I
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  Speaker 2: want to share a win that I had this week
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  Speaker 2: with that particular child who's been driving you bonk. Because
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  Speaker 2: the thing is, our children do the best that they can,
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  Speaker 2: but they just don't get that we've got different agendas
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  Speaker 2: to them. I reckon up until at least the age
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  Speaker 2: of ten or eleven, they're just not even interested in
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  Speaker 2: the fact that we need to get out of the
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  Speaker 2: door right now. We've got to find the shoes or
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  Speaker 2: we're going to be late for our thing. They don't
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  Speaker 2: get what being late means because they just don't inhabit
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  Speaker 2: that world, and that's how it should be developmentally, that's
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  Speaker 2: how they're designed. They're not supposed to get it, and
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  Speaker 2: it's not till they're late tweens early teens that some
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  Speaker 2: of this stuff starts to make sense to them. But
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  Speaker 2: this particular daughter came into the bedroom the other night.
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  Speaker 2: I was laying on the bed reading last weekend. I
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  Speaker 2: was being very manly and I chopped down a tree
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  Speaker 2: with a chainsaw with a friend. Unfortunately, as we were
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  Speaker 2: doing that, we were wrestling with the tree and a rope.
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  Speaker 2: The rope snaps. He landed on me, all hundred kilos
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  Speaker 2: of him, with one of his knees going straight into
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  Speaker 2: my thigh, and he corked my thigh. And I've been
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  Speaker 2: unable to walk properly. I can't take stairs. I've been
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  Speaker 2: able to move for I don't know the best part
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  Speaker 2: of a week really. And she came into the bedroom
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  Speaker 2: last night while I was reading and try to recover
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  Speaker 2: and relax from the pain in my leg and started
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  Speaker 2: to wrestle with me, and she started playing a game
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  Speaker 2: that we haven't played for ages. It's called Push Dad
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  Speaker 2: Off the Bed. And I really didn't want to play
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  Speaker 2: because I was tired, and I was in the middle
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  Speaker 2: of reading and she should have been in bed already
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  Speaker 2: and my leg was sore. But in that moment, I
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  Speaker 2: just kind of knew that she's been having a rough time.
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  Speaker 2: She'd been having a cry with you earlier in the
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  Speaker 2: day about a friendship issue that had gone wrong, and
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  Speaker 2: I just knew that she was having a hard time.
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  Speaker 2: So I put the book down and let her try
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  Speaker 2: to push me off the bed, and then another one
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  Speaker 2: of the kids came in and started to join in
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  Speaker 2: the game, and next thing you know, there's three or
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  Speaker 2: four of us wrestling on the bed playing push Dad
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  Speaker 2: off the Bed, which is such a cruel and heartless game.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know who invented that game and why they
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  Speaker 2: insist on playing it, but we played pushed out off
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  Speaker 2: the Bed, and then the follow one to push that
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  Speaker 2: off the bed once I'd on the ground is Dad's
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  Speaker 2: got to get all the kids off the bed at
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  Speaker 2: the same time, And so we played that until they
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  Speaker 2: were off the bed, and then it was pushed out
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  Speaker 2: off the bedimming and we went through it for maybe
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  Speaker 2: ten or fifteen minutes. Utterly exhausted me, but you know,
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  Speaker 2: I just felt so good to have that moment with them.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that the take home message is We've
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: got to play more. We've got to be in the
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  Speaker 2: moment more. This is the stuff that makes families happy,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: especially when families are struggling and going through some tough times,
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  Speaker 2: because kids do the best that they can. It's just
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: that they often don't understand why stuff matters so much
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  Speaker 2: to us as grown ups. We don't have the same
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  Speaker 2: agenda that they have, and vice versa. So that's my
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  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 4: I'm really grateful that you shared that experience. I think
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: the wonderful thing about sharing the role of parenting is
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: the opportunity to reflect on each other's experiences because sometimes,
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  Speaker 4: just like we've shared today, our experiences are different and
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  Speaker 4: it helps to kind of just you know, create a
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  Speaker 4: new perspective.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what, next week, we're probably going to
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: be in opposite positions because every now and again I
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: share some completely complete and utter blunders that I make
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  Speaker 2: as well. It's really hard for you to share what
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  Speaker 2: you shared, and I appreciate you doing that. I'll do
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  Speaker 2: better tomorrow is our favorite episode of the week, even
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: when sometimes we're squeezing tissues up our nose and wiping
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  Speaker 2: our eyes with t shirts because we've had a bit
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: of a challenging week. So thanks for sharing that.
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: Hunt.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media and Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: you've enjoyed the podcast, we would just be so grateful
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: if you would leave those five star ratings and reviews
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: wherever you listen to the podcast. We hope that it's real,
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: we hope that it helps you make your family happier,
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: and we love getting your feedback. You can also send
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: feedback directly to podcasts that's podcasts with an ss at
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot au and if you'd like
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: more information about making your family happier or you need
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: to do is visit happy families dot com dot au.
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: HM