Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / From burnout to breakthrough: my journey through veterinary medicine and beyond
Transcript
- Courtney: So I was talking about it with a friend of mine the other day, and I realized I have never told y'all my origin story. And it is it's kind of a wild one. But I feel like it's it's a testament to how much I've changed, how much my work means to me. And I feel like the person I am now is the person that I needed all of those years ago. it's been a wild ride working with animals. I was the kind of person that always wanted to work with animals. I am an only child, so animals were like my safe space. I was socially awkward, a little shy. So it was nice to not be judged and it was nice to be around them and it was just I felt most myself. when I was around animals. I remember begging my parents for a dog. And we got this cute little Bijan who was just the perfect dog. I loved going to the vet with my mom, caring for Max, and just I remember wanting to be a veterinarian my whole life. And just like the medical side in general was always something I was really interested in. but I wasn't that interested in going to school if I didn't know that I was like a hundred percent in for that. Cause I knew it was just like a big decision that's huge that school. So it was something that was always in the back of my mind. remember taking my cat to the vet, the same one that I had my whole childhood. so the vet that we had with my childhood dog Max, we pretty much she was his vet almost his whole life. and I took Armin to the same vet. And I remember being at the office with him, he had urinary issues his whole life. And I remember telling her like how I was just not feeling the service industry anymore. I was kind of not loving bartending anymore. And I remember she looked at me and she's like, Well, how would you like to work here? Like, we're gonna be changing hospitals soon. and I said yes. I made it work, I couldn't believe it. I believe it or not, y'all, I kept both of my service industry jobs because unless you've been there, it's really hard to explain it. And it's really hard to explain what it was like during this time. Of like kind of the earlier 2000s, the 2010s, and what the party scene was like then and how much money you were making then, especially working doubles. It was just something that was like the lifestyle and the money was kind of addicting. so I said, Yeah, I'll work at the animal hospital part-time and I'll keep my other two jobs serving full time. which you can imagine doesn't work out well. You kind of can't do it. so I remember like I would leave from the animal hospital and go to my bartending shift, like from there. So like imagine being in the veterinary office from 7:30 until like three or four. And then I would get dressed at that hospital and then go to the bartending shift and work there until about 2 a.m. And then go back to the animal hospital in the morning. I remember at one point being like, okay, I'm really not sleeping. I'm really not doing mentally well. I need to do something about this. And I remember like having a hard look at my finances and having a hard look at everything, and I was like, I can make this work if I if I really strap down. This is something I really want to do. I really wanna work with animals. This is it's like something my heart called to do. So I made it work. I quit my other two jobs and I went full in on this animal hospital. And this was a corporate office. It was, it started off in like a really tiny house that was converted to an animal hospital. Y'all, first off, this that first hospital we worked at, so haunted. Like very haunted. It was like a converted homestead that had like dog runs outside. It was just like it was a really wild place. We moved to a different facility. It was brand new. And it was the show hospital in our region. And I had a lot of pride being there. I really loved being a part of at the time somewhere that the equipment was new. It was nice. It was gorgeous. Everything was state of the art. And it was just, it was gorgeous to work there. And especially have folks from all different places coming there. And this was really before my opinion on corporate vet medicine changed. And this is something that changed throughout years. So we started at this tiny little place. And this is the same company I worked for, same doctors, same corporation. so teeny tiny, teeny tiny vet office into a state of the art brand new built facility like built from the ground up, gorgeous. I want to say this like really clearly. The doctors I worked for personally, excluding the corporate realm, phenomenal. I miss working with them and I miss the care my animals got with them. This, my feelings on corporate vet care have nothing to do with the doctors I worked for. They were just incredible. So much knowledge, both old and new, and just it was so cool, and it was collaborative, and it was. They loved teaching us. I remember we had a doctor come in and he was like, Have y'all ever done a necropsy? Which is when you're looking to see like the cause of death for an animal after they've already died. And I was like, no, he's like, well, you're good to see one today. And he just did that with us. And I remember him teaching us how to stitch. And I remember him it was just it was very cool, everyone that worked there just. Everyone was incredible. So I just have to say that that it was I miss those doctors dearly. the corporate vet model is something that I believe we need to do away with. that was ultimately the downfall of why I left. after I left that office, I got very burned out with compassion fatigue because I loved my job. I was also someone who was a receptionist and a technician, if you're someone who's understaffed. And you have one person that can do two roles, you don't need to hire another person. So I would be scheduled for front in receptionist and be scheduled as technician. And you can see how that could burn someone out very quickly. And a lot of us were burned out. This was not, I am not a, it's not just me being burnt out. a lot of us were. And we were just chronically understaffed. And during this time, I remember someone reaching out to me. And she knew that I worked in an animal hospital. And she was actually a full-time pet sitter for a private company, a private, like small business. And she was like, hey, you know, you can totally make this work around your schedule. You can even like work while you're sleeping at people's houses. And I was like, my God, I never thought about that. Especially someone who like me, I have experience, you know, giving insulin, giving medications, older geriatric animals or ones that are special needs, you know, there's just things to work look out for and things that you want your pet sitter to have, and I have those. So I remember doing both of those, and this was like over like another five year span. so I worked in an animal hospital for about five years, and then I worked in there kind of pet sitting for about a half year, and I I just It's hard to really talk about because again, I loved the doctors I worked with. I loved most of the staff I worked with. But burned out. And I burned out in a way that was so deep and troubling. The the compassion fatigue, I didn't have a name for it then, but there's something about when you have like four euthanasias in one day. and I think people really need to realize this when they talk poorly about vets, and I know I can't speak for all vets, but we just need to have more compassion for what they're holding and what they're going through and the stress they have. Anyone that works in an animal hospital, honestly, because it's you're also not getting paid well. Technicians and receptionists are not getting paid well. I remember coming home at one point and not even being happy to see my cats. It was just like, ugh. And I remember I said something on my partner was like, whoa. And then I was like, Whoa, I've lost it. I've lost it. And I about the next day I talked to the doctors and management about how I was feeling. And I said, I really need some time off. I need a sabbatical. I need I need to Check out. I am I am very unwell. and they said no, so I quit. I quit. And that was so hard to do because I loved it, but I just I wasn't me, and I didn't like the version I was of myself. It was just, it was just so hard. That was one of the hardest things I ever did. I remember sobbing and just being like, I quit. And I worked my notice and I kept pet sitting. And pet sitting gave me a reprieve in a way where I really got to spend time with them, it it was just beautiful getting to kind of heal that that part of me from working so hard. And I loved it. I loved pet sitting when I first started. And I worked for someone else. So I wasn't doing this for myself. I did this for a couple more years. And I had such a high capacity of what I was capable of, and I struggled to turn down jobs because it was extremely lucrative. I was in a very affluent part of town. I was good at what I did. I loved sending pictures and videos, and I just I treated everyone like they were, like they were my own animal. And I know how much it meant to me to get pictures of my cats when I wasn't there. And I slowly started coming home less and less. This was like gradual over years, and I didn't realize it was happening. I remember my first stint. where I kind of realized something was off was it was it was 31 days without going home. And then I went home, my partner at the time was like, you haven't been home in 31 days. And I was like, Yeah, but look at what I'm, you know, look at all these things we're getting to do because, you know, I'm making good money. And and I and I love what I do. I love it. and and then it became more and more. I didn't realize how often I wasn't home and how much time I wasn't spending with my animals and how I wasn't seeing my friends. And I realized it one day I was checking out at the grocery store, buying some food to bring to a client's house that I was staying at, and I remember talking to the checkout person. And I was so desperate to talk to them that I became one of those people that were like talking like a little too much. And then I went, whoa, when's the last time I hung out with somebody? And then I realized I had been alone with these animals. You know, I'm talking to them and I'm hanging out with them and listening to my podcasts and my books when I'm going on walks and I'm going here and checking in and doing a meet and greet and d and it was It started happening more and more where I'd only be home around two days a month. And then I got to around 45 days of no, and I mean day off, as in not being contacted at all. I remember telling my boss, like, hey, I need more time off. I need more time off. And her version of that was giving me two days off. And then I'd go right back into these long stretches. And we just didn't see eye to eye. And I remember I kind of. had I kind of had a breakdown, a little mentibee, if you will, because I was just working so much. And you like say it, and you might even be thinking it now. well, you're just playing with dogs and cats all day. Y'all, I wouldn't let me paint this picture. I would wake up in someone else's house, so you're not sleeping well. I'd wake up around six spend time with their animals, give them breakfast, give them a walk if they needed it, be able to spend time hang out with them, have my coffee with them, and then be like, okay, gotta go. So I'd usually leave around 7 30 to go run with a dog on the beach at 8. I'd run her Monday through Friday on the beach. And then after 8, it would be back to back between half hour to an hour walks or check-ins from that eight o'clock client to usually about seven or eight at night. Full day. And then you'd have to, and in between that I'm going back to the house I'm staying at, if there's dogs there, checking in on them, letting them out, go back to a whole night routine, getting everyone's dinner or getting everyone's dinner together, spending time with them, and then do it all again the next day. Imagine doing that for 40 days straight again and again and only having like two weeks, two days off here, a day off here. It was insane. So I remember having a hard talk with her being like, hey, I I really need time off. And it was like six months later and I I still wasn't getting there was no work life balance. So I remember I went back to a different animal hospital and I was like, well maybe I'll try a different one. And it it burned me out faster than I could have imagined going back to that. And then we moved to North Carolina and I started working at a rescue here. And I never thought you could like work at a rescue. I always thought it was only volunteers. And there's a lot of debate on that if you can run a rescue on just volunteers. I think that folks can. I don't think you should. I think people need to be paid. I think that only running on volunteers leads to burnout. It leads to a lot of like deep fatigue. And it's just not sustainable for a long time. So working at this rescue, I loved it. Like truly loved it. I remember at one point thinking, like, I can do this for the rest of my life. I love this. But working in rescue, is really tough. I was doing adoptions there and I felt like a lot of that animal's welfare depended on me to A, get them out of there because animals just deteriorate in the shelter system. They deteriorate. Especially dogs, the ones that I really love, shepherds, hounds, they just you watch them slowly lose themselves. The emotional side of it. was harder than I ever expected. I was bringing it home with me. And you'll notice a theme here. The whole time I'm bringing this home with me. And this is not an isolated experience. This is across all boards. Anyone who works in animal care is bringing their work home with them. No matter how hard they try to create a divide or have a work-life balance, you're bringing that work home with you. So when I was working in adoptions, I just I realized it. It was one day I was crying in my kitchen, and it was this animal that I just could not get adopted. I had tried everything. And I'm someone that likes to go off a lot of data, that likes to go off different studies, that likes to try different things. And I I couldn't do it. And she was there, she was already there for a year before I started. And I was there for three years. And she ultimately got euthanized. And not for nothing. You have something like a like a shepherd in the shelter system or a herding dog. And y'all have to realize to how much you start thinking about animals' mentation and their behavior. If you were stuck in a box that was ten by ten and you only got let out three times a day, you would start to lose it. You'd start to lose it. So if you're getting nipped by a dog. If it's, you know, biting your ankle or kind of hurting you and and biting your ass or your thigh, or it gets overstimulated and snaps at you, you it's this real thin line of do I tell someone this happened because I'm concerned? Or is this animal doing something that is natural, which is deteriorating? It's a really big conversation, and I don't think it's one for this podcast but shelter shelter medicine as a whole and just the business behind rescues is something I didn't jive with. I I thought I could get over it and I've done consulting for other rescues and it's something obviously that I I think needs to happen. But I think there needs to be a huge reform in how we're approaching it. In what it looks like. We have a local cat rescue here that there are no cages. It's a converted house just for them to be able to exist and be cats and run and jump and scratch and socialize. Because if you're looking at a traditional like a county shelter, they're all in little tiny metal boxes. And that part is tough. You know, it should be everyone is free, like the one that's local here and not like the county one. But the county one is designed to get them in, get them out as fast as they can. So it's there are so many nuances and deeply personal ethics behind it. But all of that to say I have loved working with animals my entire life and getting to work with them in veterinary medicine, in animal advocacy, and in pet rescue. It has just been so rewarding. A lot of times I don't even talk about it, but I was vegan for over for about 20 years. And I don't talk about it for good reason because it was a deeply personal choice to not be vegan anymore. I have almost been arrested for protesting for animal rights. I love speaking up for those who don't have a voice. It is something so important to me. So know that when I'm talking about my experience over the last decade with animals, it's not just one experience. I wasn't at one hospital for 10 years. Not that that doesn't Change things, that's just as valid. But I think I bring something different to the table because I have been there through all sides of it. I have been there at an extremely gorgeous veterinary hospital that was just I couldn't have worked anywhere better in terms of diagnostics and tools available to me and training available to me. But the corporate side of it was terrible. And it really opened my eyes to corporate vet medicine. And again, in order for that to change, we need to go back to privately owned vet practices. We need it. I'm sorry. I'm that's something I will hold true on the entire time. We need to go back to practices, to actual people owning their practices. We need to get this needs to be it's it's over. It needs to stop. And then you have I was in houses spending time with other people's pets, really getting to know them in personal. But I also want to name, too, that just because someone has money does not mean that they treat their animals the best. I'm someone who believes that finances don't determine if you can care for a pet or not. For me, if you can provide them a good and loving home and you are on limited finances, but you do have ways to feed them and care for them, that's better than being in the shelter. I'm sorry. There's too many animals in the shelter for us to think that we're better than anyone else in the determining who can keep them and who can't. Because everyone at least deserves a shot. I was the kind of person that I was like, hey, if it doesn't work out, bring them back. Bring them back. Instead of, you know, adopting them out and then being like, well, once they're gone, they're gone. Can't bring them back here. So there's there's ways to do things. And I might go into that more in another episode. But I wanted to tell you a little bit about my origin story and how I came to be doing what I'm doing now. And it was through my own heartbreak. My cat that was that kept me here on earth when he died, the astrology of it made me believe in myself again. It reconnected me with nature. I kind of had like a spiritual awakening when he died. And it sounds crazy to say, but it's true. So this is a little bit about me. This was really personal. Talk about a yap session. But I have I have seen all sides. I have pet sat for celebrities. I have adopted out cats to folks of the poverty line. I've been there when people have to euthanize their animal. Sat with over probably a hundred folks. I did that while I was pet sitting too. Because a of times a lot of folks didn't want to be there with their animal. And I would volunteer to do it. That way they weren't alone and they at least knew the dog walker that was with them. So know that when I'm talking about my experiences in a hospital setting, in a rescue setting, in a pet sitting setting, over the last 10 years, I really devoted myself for speaking up for those that don't have a voice. And a lot of my life was in animal advocacy. So this was a little more personal about me. And just know if you have any questions. If you're someone who is a tech, who's burnt out, who has compassion fatigue, I'm here for you. I understand what you're going through. If you're someone who is angry at your vet's office. During euthanasia or during a time where they're geriatric or having a hard diagnosis, I also see you. I feel for you. I have been you. And I've also been on the other side of that. After Armin died, we converted all of our animals to a non corporate practice. Because I feel like the corporate pra a corporate office failed him. That's a whole different story. But anyway. This was more about me. Thanks for listening. If you made it to the end. If you're someone who is burnt out, if you are a technician or a veterinarian or someone along those lines listening and you feel burnt out, there's herbs to help with that. That's how I'm that's how I'm not burnt out now is my own spiritual practice. Is my own astrological insight into my own life, to my herbal practice for myself and my family. You heard how many times I was burned out in this. And that is something that doesn't influence me anymore. Something doesn't happen. It's because I have set up fail safes to make sure that doesn't happen. Even when I'm still working with something that, you know, burnt me out all those years ago. I'm talking to grieving folks almost all day, but I am not burnt out. It fills my cup to be able to sit and hold sacred space because that is what I needed. I needed that when Armin died. I needed that when I was the technician of a euthanasia that just broke my heart. I needed someone like me. And I feel so grateful and so satisfied to be that person. So if you want to talk to someone who gets in them here, And yeah, this was a personal one, y'all. Wow. I can't believe it. Okay. Thanks for listening. And I'll see you soon. Bye.