Latest / The Letterbox Podcast / Dear Mum | Letters From A Daughter About Grief, Loosing A Parent, Love & Life After Loss

Transcript

Dear Mum | Letters From A Daughter About Grief, Loosing A Parent, Love & Life After Loss · The Letterbox Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello and welcome back to the Letterbox Podcast.
• 0:03
  I'm Lucy, and wherever you are listening from, thank you so
• 0:06
  much for being here. Today's episode is actually a
• 0:11
  series of letters by the wonderful Juliet.
• 0:17
  She told me how she lost her mum earlier in the year and has
• 0:20
  since been writing short letters that she's been sharing on her
• 0:23
  Instagram page. Letters to my mum Juliet has
• 0:28
  very kindly allowed me to read and share them with you today.
• 0:32
  But you can head to her Instagram page and read them for
• 0:35
  yourself as well. I really encourage you to do
• 0:39
  that. Juliet told me a little more
• 0:43
  about losing her mom and the other grief that she has had in
• 0:46
  her life over the past eight years.
• 0:49
  She started her Instagram page as a way of trying to connect
• 0:52
  with other people who might be through something similar, but
• 0:55
  also as a way of externalising her own emotions and grief.
• 1:00
  I know anyone listening is going to find this one a really
• 1:04
  heartfelt and moving listen. Before I do read her letters
• 1:08
  though, if you haven't already, please do follow rate and share
• 1:13
  the podcast. These letters are being heard
• 1:15
  all over the world, which is more than I could have possibly
• 1:18
  imagined, and it means so much to me and other people who've
• 1:21
  written letters so far. Remember, these letters are real
• 1:24
  people's lives and stories and that's what makes them so
• 1:29
  special. So here it is, a series of
• 1:34
  letters from Juliet to her mum. Dear Mum, it's been 7 weeks
• 1:44
  today since you took your last breath, holding my hand.
• 1:49
  Every minute, hour and day since I've wanted to text you, to call
• 1:54
  you, to speak to you. Even in the midst of the pain
• 1:59
  and grief, there have been beautiful things I wish I could
• 2:02
  share with you. So I'm going to do just that.
• 2:10
  I don't know if you'll be reading this, so it might just
• 2:12
  be for me. You would tell me it's OK to do
• 2:16
  something just for me. Love you dear mum.
• 2:24
  I went for a walk today and saw 2 Robins in the trees as I
• 2:28
  paused for breath. Some say Robins appear when a
• 2:33
  loved one is near. Sorry for the rhyme.
• 2:37
  And it's true that I've never seen two together before, so it
• 2:42
  feels like you were both with me as I climbed that hill.
• 2:46
  The thaw made me smile at 1st and then the inevitable tears
• 2:49
  came. It's a funny old thing, grief.
• 2:55
  Love you, dear Mum. You'll be shocked to hear I went
• 3:02
  for a run this morning. Grief really does funny things
• 3:06
  to people. He reminded me of when we
• 3:09
  briefly ran together in the bark.
• 3:13
  The daffodils are out. Beautiful yellow beacons.
• 3:19
  There's so much beauty in this world.
• 3:23
  I'm so gutted I don't get to share it with you anymore.
• 3:28
  Love you dear mum. It's a Sunday which means I'm
• 3:35
  sat waiting for a football match.
• 3:37
  I'd usually call you and we chat about everything and nothing.
• 3:42
  I tell you what's for dinner, what we've been up to at the
• 3:44
  weekend, what my week looks like.
• 3:48
  You'd ask about the football, you'd wish her good luck.
• 3:52
  You'd tell me you loved me. Love you.
• 4:01
  Dear Mum, the body scrub you got me last Christmas is still sat
• 4:06
  in the bathroom. I don't have the heart to use it
• 4:11
  all. Get rid of it.
• 4:14
  I'm worried if I use it and it runs out it'll be too painful.
• 4:18
  I'm worried if I leave it, it'll become the physical
• 4:21
  representation of your love on this earth, and that's too much
• 4:25
  to bestow upon an otherwise innocuous object.
• 4:30
  You would know what to do, but sadly I can't ask you.
• 4:38
  Love you dear Mum. I called your number today, the
• 4:45
  one that has in case of emergencies next to it.
• 4:50
  You told me to put that years ago.
• 4:54
  It never got used and now it never will.
• 4:57
  I don't know why I called because the numbers not
• 5:01
  recognised message knocked me for six.
• 5:04
  Stupid. I know I was the one to cancel
• 5:07
  the number. Not sure what I was expecting.
• 5:12
  I just wish I could hear your voicemail message one more time.
• 5:17
  Love you dear Mum. We finally made it to the spa,
• 5:25
  the 1:00 you got us a voucher for.
• 5:26
  Two years ago you would have hated the spa part.
• 5:33
  You always hated your body, even though I wanted you to love
• 5:36
  yourself. I wish you'd given yourself more
• 5:39
  grace. I wish you'd respected yourself
• 5:43
  more. Anyway, I'm sat with a drink in
• 5:46
  the bar area thinking about how you'd love this part.
• 5:51
  We'd be reminiscing you with your incredibly infectious
• 5:55
  laugh. I'd give everything to hear it.
• 5:59
  Once again, Love you dear mum. I was picking up some
• 6:08
  ingredients to make a loaf of bread today.
• 6:11
  I actually paused and unlocked my phone to text you for advice
• 6:14
  before I caught myself. I was wandering around the
• 6:17
  aisles after in shock. I never forget what has
• 6:22
  happened, but I often remember at points throughout the day
• 6:27
  when I least expect it. Love you dear Mum.
• 6:35
  Do you remember a few years ago when I surprised your Mother's
• 6:39
  Day? I queued up at the French bakery
• 6:41
  near me from 7:00 AM, then drove over and knocked on your door.
• 6:46
  You were thrilled. It was wonderful.
• 6:52
  What am I supposed to do with all that love now?
• 6:57
  Where will it all go? Love you, dear Mum.
• 7:06
  Is it always going to feel like this?
• 7:10
  Is this me for the rest of my life?
• 7:15
  You're not here to reassure me anymore, which is crushing.
• 7:21
  Love you dear Mom. OK, I'm ready now.
• 7:27
  I'm ready for you to come back and we can put this whole thing
• 7:30
  behind us and just move forward. Is that OK?
• 7:35
  Can you come back now? Love you, dear mum.
• 7:44
  They played Babylon in the pub last night and it was the first
• 7:47
  time I heard it since, well, you know, I was beside myself.
• 7:56
  But once the wave of sadness had passed, I had this strange sense
• 7:59
  of quiet joy that you had made it happen for me.
• 8:04
  You are still everywhere, despite being nowhere at all.
• 8:12
  Love you dear mum. First time back in our house
• 8:19
  after returning to work two months ago.
• 8:23
  Someone asked if I could feel you in the house and I said no.
• 8:28
  It was too close to when I lost you and I couldn't feel you
• 8:31
  anywhere. Today, however, you are
• 8:35
  physically absent but spiritually everywhere.
• 8:41
  I feel you in every room. Your laughter echoes, I can
• 8:46
  almost hear your smile, see the light in your eyes.
• 8:53
  Love you dear mum. Someone stopped me today at the
• 9:00
  pub and said are you? She knew you and heard that
• 9:05
  you'd passed. She meant well.
• 9:08
  When she told me I was lucky to have had you as a mum, she told
• 9:11
  me you were a beautiful woman. I didn't say that I knew those
• 9:18
  things already. Love you dear mum.
• 9:27
  It's been really hard to write to you for a while.
• 9:30
  I'm not coming to terms with what has happened and it's all
• 9:35
  hitting me hard. Feels like if I can just get
• 9:40
  through my hard day, you'll be there at the end of it, but
• 9:44
  you're not. Love you dear Mum.
• 9:52
  I saw you everywhere today, at the supermarket, in the street,
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  at the coffee shop. Seeing a woman that could have
• 9:59
  been you really got me. Except she had white hair.
• 10:07
  You will never have white hair. You won't get the privilege of
• 10:12
  growing old gracefully. How I wish I had seen you with
• 10:19
  white hair. Love you dear mum, I miss you so
• 10:29
  intensely, so furiously that I think that people would be
• 10:32
  shocked if I told them, luckily finding it hard to put into
• 10:38
  words, so I'll keep it to myself for now.
• 10:43
  How I wish you hadn't been so brilliant so this wouldn't hurt
• 10:49
  so much. Love you, dear mum.
• 10:58
  Nobody tells you that. People stop asking.
• 11:03
  You get on with your day. You crack a joke, you look OK.
• 11:09
  So people stop asking. It's almost worse than when
• 11:14
  people treated you like a fragile object tiptoeing around
• 11:18
  you. Can't they see I'm in more pain
• 11:24
  than ever? Can't they see everything hurts
• 11:28
  even more? I know you would see this.
• 11:33
  I know you would ask. Love you.
• 11:41
  And that is a series of letters from Juliet to her.
• 11:44
  Ma'am. Juliet, thank you so much for
• 11:48
  allowing me to share those. They really are are beautiful,
• 11:52
  emotional and so incredibly honest.
• 11:56
  I know it will mean so much to anyone who's going through
• 11:59
  anything similar to hear your letters today.
• 12:03
  Like I said, you can go and read these letters for yourself and
• 12:06
  I'm sure more to come on Juliet's Instagram page Letters
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  to my Mum. And thank you all for being here
• 12:13
  and listening today. If today's letters have made you
• 12:15
  feel something then please do press the Poly button and share
• 12:19
  the episode with someone who you think might like to hear it too.
• 12:24
  So until next time, sending you all my love.